NOTE: Ian Messiter's 350th appearance blowing the whistle.


ANNOUNCER: We present Kenneth Williams, Clement Freud, Peter Jones and Derek Nimmo in Just A Minute. And as the Minute Waltz fades away, here to tell you all about it is our chairman Nicholas Parsons.

NICHOLAS PARSONS: Thank you, thank you very much. Hello and welcome to Just A Minute. And as you've just heard we have our four regular players of the game with us this week, no guests. So I'm going to ask them as usual to try and speak for Just A Minute without hesitation, repetition or deviation on the subject that I give them. And let us begin the show this week with Kenneth Williams. And the subject that Ian Messiter has thought for starters is nightmares. Kenneth can you tell us something about nightmares in this game starting now.

KENNETH WILLIAMS: I have a recurrent nightmare. I'm there on the stage surrounded by people, and I don't know a line of this play I'm supposed to be performing...


NP: Peter Jones has challenged with great rapidity. Yes Peter, what is your challenge?

PETER JONES: Repetition of play. He said he was in this play and didn't know a word about the play.

NP: Peter you are right, so you gain a point for that, you take over the subject with 50 seconds to go on nightmares starting now.

PJ: Well I believe they can be induced by eating Roquefort cheese, possibly stilton. Anything with a very strong flavour which might upset the stomach, perhaps some wine with it. But they are in a way compensations for a dull life. If you go to bed early and you have a nightmare, at least that is something that has happened during the 24 hours. Well I don't know whether...


NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CLEMENT FREUD: Ah repetition of hesitation.

NP: Oh what you're saying...

CF: And he said well, he said well.

PJ: Is that a double entendre?

NP: What you're saying is he hesitated before and you resisted the temptation to challenge. On the second time he hesitated you did challenge, so I agree with you Clement and your generosity is commended. And you have 26 seconds to take over the subject of nightmares starting now.

CF: I used to have a recurring nightmare until I realised that it was repetition and I couldn't talk about it on this programme. So now I have single nightmares like being pursued by a heavy roller across Lords and the Oval to Trent Bridge, Edgbaston and Old Trafford. And this wretched thing comes towards me containing figures which I have to add, subtract, multiply and divide from each other. And I scream...


NP: Well it seems the subject of nightmares does give you the chance to talk absolute rubbish and keep going without being interrupted. Which Clement Freud did successfully until the whistle went, which as we know, tells us that 60 seconds is up and at that moment whoever is speaking gains the extra point. It was Clement Freud who is in the lead at the end of the round. Peter Jones begins the next round, Peter, thunderbolt. Will you tell us something about that in Just A Minute starting now.

PJ: Well I think a thunderbolt is seen, if at all, as the result of displaced air which is caused by an electric storm. I'm not too sure about it but ah I think that Faraday had something to do with it...


NP: Kenneth Williams challenged.

KW: But erm.

NP: I think he was keeping going but ah...

KW: What do you call an erm?

NP: But...

KW: But erm.

PJ: Erm is a sort of idiosyncrasy of mine.

NP: Oh I thought you were talking about an ohm, I'm sorry.

PJ: Ohm?

NP: I thought you were talking about electric curr, current.

PJ: Ah yes yes.

NP: But you weren't, you did actually say er, you've admitted it yourself. So then I'm sorry, I have to give it to Kenneth. So Kenneth you have 44 seconds on thunderbolt starting now.

KW: Well legend has it that these were thrown by Zeus from Mount Olympus to show his great disapproval. And of course you know Zeus was up there...


NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DEREK NIMMO: Well repetition of Zeus. Lucky old Zeus!

NP: Don't pursue it Derek! Thunderbolt is the subject, 30 seconds left starting now.

DN: I walked through the doorway and suddenly it came to me like a thunderbolt. I was in totally the wrong country. Not even in the right house that I'd intended to go to. And I looked around me and all about were panes of wandering (unintelligible) and I said to myself are these the kind of...


NP: Peter Jones challenged you.

PJ: He became quite incomprehensible to me!

KW: That's nothing! That's nothing! There's nothing wrong with that! There's nothing wrong with that! There's nothing in the game that says you have got to be comprehensible! You have got to keep going, don't you!

PJ: I think Derek was grateful!

NP: Peter Jones you have the subject of thunderbolts and there are 15 seconds left starting now.

PJ: Well I think if it were left...


NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Repetition of well I think. (laughs) Yes!

KW: He had it the first time.

CF: That's how we had it...

NP: I'm afraid that's true, when you were talking before you did say well I think.

PJ: Are you sure?

NP: You certainly said well.

DN: It's another one of your idiosyncrasies actually.

PJ: Well it is. I often...

DN: Well I think.

PJ: I often say that, well I think I do!

NP: Clement you're back with the subject and 13 seconds, thunderbolt starting now.

CF: A thunderbolt signals the wrath of God. It's his way of pressing the buzzer as it were... in...


NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Hesitation.

NP: Yes it's unusual for Clement to hesitate so much, but he did again. And there are five and half a seconds on thunderbolts with you Derek starting now.

DN: And when the Bishop of Durham was consecrated in Yorkminster a thunderbolt came down...


NP: Derek Nimmo was speaking as the whistle went as you heard and gained that extra point, and he is in the lead ahead of Clement Freud, followed in third place, Kenneth Williams and Peter Jones equal. And Derek will you take the next round, the subject Pandora. Will you tell us something about her in this game starting now.

DN: Pandora was the first woman built and constructed by Vulcan and... was...


NP: Peter Jones challenged.

PJ: Hesitation.

KW: That's awfully mean!

NP: It wasn't mean!

KW: I mean Derek was hardly under way, was he! That's awfully mean! I think Peter Jones has just come here tonight to spoil things for people!

NP: No he hasn't, I mean for once Derek Nimmo didn't even get under way.

KW: No, he didn't even get under way did he!

NP: No, he just shuddered to a halt on Pandora of all delightful subjects, so Peter you've got in and there are 54 seconds left, no, 53, Pandora starting now.

PJ: Well this is a decision that the theatrical critics came to many years ago with regard to Dora Bryan. But since then she has made enormous strides, and in my opinion is one of the greatest theatrical performers in this country. Now she will no doubt be writing in...


NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Hesitation.

NP: Ah Derek Nimmo you've got the subject back of Pandora, there are 37 seconds starting now.

DN: There's a frightfully nice girl at the school with my daughter called Pandora Stevens, who is the daughter of Jocelyn of the same name...


NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Repetition of daughter.

NP: Why? He never daughter before.

DN: Daughter?

CF: Yes he did.

NP: No he never said daughter twice.

CF: At school with my daughter, daughter of Stevens.

NP: Oh I see yes, that time!

DN: Oh well done!

CF: Those two daughters!

PJ: That time!

NP: So there are 36 and a half seconds for you Peter on Pandora starting now.

PJ: I don't really want them! But I'm here to tell you that ah...


NP: Kenneth Williams challenged.

KW: Well deviation, he's supposed to be talking about Pandora, not about what he wants!

NP: A very good challenge! So Kenneth you have 28 seconds on Pandora starting now.

KW: Well she had this box, you see. And by that I meant a kodak brownie. In fact the surgeon at this hospital said to me "when I cut open a patient, it's like a Pandora's box. You never know..."


NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Repetition of box.

NP: Yes.

KW: Oh yes!

NP: You see the subject is Pandora and not Pandora's box.

KW: Curious thing that, isn't it!

NP: So Clement you have the subject with 13 and a half seconds starting now.

CF: Pandora was really the first chauvinist image. Every nasty thing that is ever said about women is um...


NP: Derek your challenge?

DN: Well hesitation.

NP: I think you're right, in fact I'm convinced you're right. And there are five seconds on Pandora who has caused more hesitation than any other subject for ages, starting now.

DN: She married this chap called Charles Dellowby and they had a wonderful wedding somewhere in the middle of a north of Queensland forest...


NP: Well Derek was again speaking as the whistle went, gained that all important extra point and has increased his lead at the end of the round. Kenneth we're back with you, will you start with the subject of island of Mylos. Sixty seconds as usual starting now.

KW: It's one of the Cyclides in the Aegean. I went there actually. I was loathe because the weather was so appallingly hot. But my companion, an en energetic fellow...


NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: En ah energetic, repetition.

NP: I'm afraid that was hesitation. Rather mean but at the same time...

KW: Yes that was mean! In fact I'll make a note of that! I've been labouring under the illusion that Nimmo was a friend of mine!

NP: Yes, when we have the four regulars on, the daggers are out, you know. No, no quarter is given, nothing is allowed. Forty-five and a half seconds for you Derek, the island of Mylos.

DN: So I sailed across the wine-dark sea to the island of Mylos, passing Yatsos on one side, and Patros on the other. And I thought to myself as I landed at a little quay, the first thing I must consume was a bit of an octopardus. And there was a... very nice, handily adjacent...


NP: Kenneth Williams.

KW: Yes hesitation!

NP: Yes I must give it to him!

KW: Yes I'm afraid you got a bit garbled there!

NP: I say you said...

KW: (laughs loudly) It was the octopardus that did you in! (laughs)

DN: It does most people in!

KW: (laughs) Oh you have to laugh!

NP: So Kenneth you have 29 seconds, island of Mylos starting now.

KW: The island of Mylos is renowned for the fact...


NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: I can't think... (laughs) You're all right. I thought the thing was just Mylos, it is the island of Mylos.

NP: It is the island of Mylos. So all that happens is Kenneth gets another point for an incorrect challenge...

KW: Oh good! Oh that's nice!

NP: And you have 26 and a half seconds, the island of Mylos starting now.

KW: The island of Mylos is renowned for the fact that it's the home of Venus D'Mylo. Now they've got her in the Louvre...


NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Repetition of renowned.

NP: Yes you waited, he did wait a long time to see if you were going to go...

KW: Well he didn't even know the Venus D'Mylo was there. He hasn't got a clue!

DN: Well it's not there!

NP: He did give you a chance to get under way...

KW: The Venus D'Mylo was there! That's where it was discovered, you great fool! That's where they lopped off her arms off!

DN: It's not there!

KW: No, it's in the Louvre now, but I mean it was found in Mylos! That's the whole point, isn't it! Anyone with any sense would know...

NP: Are the arms still in Mylos?

KW: What?

NP: It doesn't matter. Kenneth, ah Peter...

PJ: No...

NP: A correct challenge for the repetition of renowned and you have 17 seconds on the island of Mylos starting now.

PJ: I think the arms are in California which is the arms capital of the world...



NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Repetition of arms.

NP: No Clement! You pressed your buzzer, I've got a light in front of me, you pressed your buzzer before he repeated arms...

CF: No.

NP: You actually anticipated he was going to do it, very cleverly...

CF: No.

NP: But I was watching and you, the light came on...

KW: Mmmm.

NP: So I will not allow the challenge because you did actually press after he said arms. So Peter you still have the subject, the subject is...

CF: What did I press for then?

NP: Repetition of arms.

DN: (laughs) Well how did he, if he hadn't said arms, how could he press for repetition?

NP: Because he anticipated that he was going to say arms and he did immediately after...

PJ: And I didn't disappoint him!

DN: If he's prophetic with it, I think it's rather a good challenge!

PJ: Quite! He's clairvoyant! Clairvoyant!

NP: If you...

PJ: A wonderful thing in a politician, to be able to see the future, even if it's only two seconds!

NP: You have 12 seconds, island of Mylos starting now.

PJ: It's very nice, it's set in a very pleasant er scene...


NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: I waited until he said very twice but...

NP: Yes all right, he repeated very...

PJ: I didn't say it, I didn't say very.

NP: Clement you have the subject, I'm absolutely fair, I always try and be just, nine seconds, island of Mylos starting now.

CF: Nine seconds on the island of Mylos is just about as long as I would like to stay there. I have no great love for Greek islands...


NP: Ah Clement Freud's lack of love of Greek islands which nobody here can understand did give him extra points. He's now only three behind our leader Derek Nimmo, he's just ahead of Peter Jones, and Kenneth Williams in that order. And he also begins the next round, and the subject Clement is Samuel Peyps's rude bits. Oh the audience know something about them, they've obviously read it. Will you tell us something about it in this game starting now.

CF: It's very hard to pick out the rude bits of Samuel Peyps. Peyps was the sort of person of whom Mrs Thatcher would have said "you have no self-control, pull yourself together". Whenever he went out to breakfast, lunch, tea or dinner, he would assault physically or molest the waitress. And there is much in his writings which give chapter and verse...


NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Repetition of writings.

NP: Yes you did mention writings before.

CF: Writing before.

NP: Samuel Peyps, no I think it was writings.

CF: Aha.

NP: Yes I think it was. I have to do a madly quick recall within my brain, I play it all back.

CF: How do you do that?

NP: I don't know. But it's just one of the gifts I have. That's how I got the job, didn't you know? I was tested for it, and I was found lacking as usual and I got the job. There are 25 seconds Derek on Samuel Peyps' rude bits starting now.

DN: As I went down the Chancery stairs I saw Nell, pretty, witty that she is. And there was a comely wench called Deb Willett who really was. On the other side of ye olde, but it was rather difficult to tell because the rest was in shorthand, you see. And the funny thing about him is that when he gets a really rude bit, he puts it into French (speaks in French) and then he goes back into English again. A most peculiar thing to do, I think...


NP: So Derek was again speaking as the whistle went and has increased his lead. And Peter Jones begins the next round. Peter the subject now is racing snails. I don't know whether you have any personal experience but can you try and talk on the subject starting now.

PJ: Snails are not naturally competitive gastropods and they lack the will to win. So I don't see there's much point in having them. Now if I possessed a stable of them, I suppose it would be rather less interesting than one devoted to horses or dogs or even girls. But I would do my best with them, give them a bit of lettuce and put salt on their tails, I suppose, unless the RSPCA objected to that. It might be cruel and I don't know whether it actually causes pain to racing snails to smear them with that condiment. But it might and in which case I wouldn't do it. But I would dangle things in front of them, like carrots and bits of things like that. And they might even er ah...


PJ: Oh dear!

NP: Peter I think the audience apploise, applause tells you that such a bizarre subject you achieved miracles with it. Forty-nine seconds without being interrupted...

PJ: Fantastic.

NP: Fantastic it was, but Kenneth came in with a correct challenge which we know was hesitation. Kenneth, there are 11 seconds, racing snails starting now.

KW: Yes, racing snails is apparently done by somebody somewhere in the world. I can't imagine why although cockroaches and beetles and various other creatures are...


NP: So Kenneth was speaking as the whistle went. He has leapt forward, one point ahead of Peter Jones, one behind Clement Freud, and three or four behind our leader Derek Nimmo who begins the next round. Derek the subject is Gretna Green. Will you tell us something about that delightful subject in Just A Minute starting now.

DN: Well Gretna Green is a frightfully boring place just over the border from Carlyle in Dunfreethshire where people used to run away to get married, particularly if they were under age. Because at that time there was a law which was abolished in about 1954 where if you were not wed and under the age of consent, in that particular part of Scotland you could go along to the most handily adjacent blacksmith or toll-keeper or even the local bookie and they would be frightfully pleased to fix you up in a very way. Now they do that sort of thing in Las Vegas. You had to get the wee Church of the Heather, and the Hitching Post and all those good, the little Church of the Stars. And I repeated church but never mind...


NP: Ah yes Peter.

PJ: Repetition of church.

DN: Thank you very much.

NP: Yes.

DN: Well listened!

NP: And earlier on...

PJ: No I wasn't listening actually but you told me and then I er realised.

NP: And earlier on, you did actually repeat age. The only reason I mention it is not to embarrass you, but I do sometimes get letters. And people don't seem to understand the game yet and say why didn't I stop you. It's strange isn't it but there we are, that's life.

PJ: Yes.

NP: Peter Jones you have a correct challenge, you have 17 seconds on Gretna Green starting now.

PJ: Mostly I suppose it was created for the benefit of people who wanted to marry with the maximum amount of publicity and security. And it wasn't a bad institution because they got their names in the front pages...


NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Repetition of because.

NP: Mmm?

DN: Repetition of because.

NP: Yes it was because and because. You're right Derek, four and a half seconds, Gretna Green starting now.

DN: I'd rather have four and a half seconds on Gretna Green than on the island of Mylos, because it is much nicer...


NP: So Derek Nimmo was again in with a few seconds to go, again has increased his lead, and er we come back to Kenneth Williams to start. Kenneth the subject this time is getting uptight. Will you tell us something about that expression in this game starting now.

KW: Well I've heard of going to bed tight, but I've never heard of getting up tight. On the other hand I suppose it's one of those appalling Americanisms that has crept into the language. And it means being full of stress about some particular subject that is raised, and people become nervy and taut and liable to a kind of petulance that I myself would never exhibit. Naturally you see I applaud the McEnroes of this world. Those people who with extraordinary expertise have stamped themselves and their persona on a whole range of products as well as one won-derfully...


NP: Clement Freud.

CF: Two ones.

NP: Ones, yes you pressed your buzzer first and Clement you have the subject of getting uptight. Kenneth you did so well, you went for 52 seconds. Ohhh! But Clement got in because you did repeat one and there are eight seconds left starting now.

CF: In the 17th century women didn't wear tights. But if they had Samuel Peyps would probably have got...


NP: So Clement Freud got more points in that round. He's creeping up on our leader Derek Nimmo, he's just ahead of Peter Jones and Kenneth Williams who are equal in third place. And Clement you begin the next round, how to relax. Can you tell us something about that in Just A Minute starting now.

CF: Certainly if you want to relax you will be advised to play Just A Minute, having Kenneth Williams sitting next to one. Relaxing is different for all people and my fix is actually cooking. I've said actually twice, I've now said it three times...



NP: Derek Nimmo and then Peter Jones. Derek you did challenge first.

DN: Third time repetition. I was trying to be kind because he gets so grumpy if you're not!

NP: Yes and you're in the lead, you don't need a lot more points do you. But you have 45 seconds to go starting now.

DN: If I was going to relax, I should write to or phone Charles...


NP: Kenneth Williams challenged.

KW: Hesitation.

NP: Yes indeed you're right Kenneth. Kenneth you have 42 seconds on how to relax starting now.

KW: You lie supine upon the mattress and draw over your encumbrant body a beautifully soft woollen merino blanket. There is no...


NP: Kenneth Williams, Kenneth, Clement Freud I'm sorry.

CF: Deviation.

NP: I beg your pardon Clement?

CF: You can't draw blankets over yourself while you're supine.

KW: How else do you go to bed, you great fool? Of course they do. Of course they lie there and pull it up. Of course they do.

NP: Of course they do. What would you do?

CF: You can't in supinity.

PJ: I would slip underneath it.

NP: I'm sorry, I agree with Kenneth, you can be supine and draw the blanket over you.

KW: Very good chairman! Very good! Isn't he! Very good!

NP: Oh Kenneth...

KW: You've got your wits about you, I can see that! Mmmmmm! Very good!

NP: And nobody can change his tune as rapidly as you Kenneth. But I agree with the challenge and you have 30 seconds, how to relax starting now.

KW: Then you put on a recording of The Foray Knockturns...


NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: You can't put on a recording when you're supine!

KW: I'm on another, I'm on another subject.

NP: Especially if you've drawn the bidet or the blanket over you! Yes I...

KW: I said nothing about bidet! I hate bidet! What are you talking about, bidet? You mean duvet, don't you?

NP: Yes I do mean duvet, yes.

KW: I said nothing about a bidet did I? As if I'd draw a bidet over myself! I mean it's ludicrous! Of course he doesn't know, his vocabulary's a joke, you know!

NP: Kenneth I was just having you on, you immediately picked it up...

KW: No it wasn't, he did the same thing over the restaurant. It said Lebanese restaurant and he said lesbian restaurant straight away. He gets it all mixed up! Hopeless!

PJ: You'll be getting letters from France next!

NP: Anyway I agree with your challenge Peter...

PJ: Oh thanks very much.

NP: Yes and you have 25 seconds on how to relax in a bidet, I'm sorry... you have 25 seconds on how to relax starting now.

PJ: Lie down and let your mind go blank. If you can get your toes to sort of ease up and wriggle about so that they're floppy, it's all to the good. And then gradually work up your body from ankles to knees to thighs, hips or whatever you call them, the centre of your core of your being. And then the shoulders and the spine should be as loose as you can possibly make them...


NP: Clement Freud has challenged with one second to go.

CF: Deviation.

NP: Why?

CF: Because you, he's working up, and his shoulders are actually below his spine.

NP: His spine goes all the way up and he's got...

CF: Not above his shoulders! Oh I suppose they do.

NP: Yes.

CF: Yes perhaps it does.

PJ: Well I don't know, I mean mine do, I don't know about yours!

NP: So I disagree with that challenge. I think he was only trying cleverly to get in with only one second to go. He failed and that one second goes to Peter Jones with how to relax starting now.

PJ: Let it all hang out!


NP: So we have an interesting situation at the end of that round. So I must now give you the final score. Finishing in fourth place, a marvellous fourth as he sometimes is, because it's the value he contributes to the show and not the points he gains is Kenneth Williams. Equal, that was Kenneth giving a little, little physical flourish to the audience which they enjoyed at the end. In second place was Clement Freud and Peter Jones, with that last little flourish of his came equal with him in second place. But out in the lead, five points clear in front of them all was this week's winner, Derek Nimmo! We do hope that you have enjoyed listening to this edition of Just A Minute and will want to tune in again when once more we take to the air and we play this delightful and sometimes impossible but always enjoyable game. Until then from all of us here, good-bye!


ANNOUNCER: The chairman of Just A Minute was Nicholas Parsons, the programme was devised by Ian Messiter and produced by Pete Atkin.