ANNOUNCER: We present Kenneth Williams, Clement Freud, Peter Jones and Derek Nimmo in Just A Minute. As the Minute Waltz fades away here to tell you about it is our chairman Nicholas Parsons.

NICHOLAS PARSONS: Thank you, thank you very much. Hello and welcome to Just A Minute. And as you just heard excitement in our audience, because we have our four regular and most experienced players of Just A Minute competing once more, all on their mettle and eager to go. As they try and speak for the minute without hesitation, without repetition, and without deviating from the subject that I will give them. And let's begin the show Kenneth Williams. Kenneth, are you ready?


NP: Good! Kenneth the subject is sparkle. Will you tell us something about that in Just A Minute starting now.

KW: Sparkle is provided in conversation by the kind of elan and enchanting lilt that I give to my kind of speech. I am known as a wit, of course I am a cult. And a witty poet once said
Eastern princesses and asses milk
Or a perfumed bath will frolic
But give me a girl who will sit on a tub
And do what she can with carbolic!
This is the sort of thing I think which adds sparkle to our everyday lives, and lubricates, so to speak, the ordinary commercial business of intercourse. We all want, don't we, a little bit of a giggle, a little entertainment, to be diverted from this veil of tears which we travel to death as to life's sleep for such the grain. Oh...


NP: Derek Nimmo has challenged you after 55 seconds. Derek what is the...

KW: That was clever! Coming in, 55?

NP: Fifty-five seconds.

KW: Oh that is clever! Oh that is clever! Yes he's up to his old tricks! Well he's got that from Freud!

NP: Yes.

KW: He's pinched that from Clement!

NP: They let you do all the hard work and come in a few seconds before the end.

KW: That's right! That's right! You're on to it Nick!

NP: Anyway Derek what is your challenge?

DEREK NIMMO: Oh well, I've rather forgotten, oh, deviation.

NP: Why?

DN: Because I thought we'd gone into the veil of tears rather than actually sparkling at that point.

NP: Yes, no I thought he was making his point very clearly because to get out of the veil of tears, one needs that sparkle in life, and I really thought he brought this in as a contrast. You continue with only five seconds to go on the subject of sparkle Kenneth starting now.

KW: Sparkling water, one things immediately of Evian. Now that comes...


NP: When Ian Messiter blows his whistle, it tells us that 60 seconds are up. And whoever is speaking at that moment gains an extra point. And of course it was Kenneth Williams, who was the only one to have any points in that round, and of course has now a commanding lead. Derek Nimmo, will...

PETER JONES: I'd just like to say hello to Clement, before we go any further, so that people know we're both here, you know. How are you?

NP: Would you like to respond Clement?

CLEMENT FREUD: I'd like to say hello straight back.

PJ: Good. Fine.

NP: The reason for our listeners at home he has to say it straight back, is because they're both sitting either side of the studio, and I and Ian Messiter are sitting between...

CF: No, that wasn't the reason at all!

NP: But in case any listener was confused I did have to explain it all. I know this is radio, I know visual radio is very good but most people listen with their eyes shut. Now Derek, the subject is one of the seven deadly sins. Would you tell us something about one of those in Just A Minute starting now.

DN: One of the seven deadly sins, if I had to choose one of the seven deadly sins, I would think I would bow to, I would probably go for sloth. Because if one was sufficiently slothful, it would seem to eradicate most of the others. For instance, pride one would have very little time for. As for wrath, one could hardly be angry if one was lying in one's bed all the time. Envy probably would disappear in the same way and obviously lust wouldn't be much good, would it...


NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Repetition of obviously.

NP: Yes, obviously you would go for this and obviously. What a pity Derek, because we were enjoying it.

DN: Well I'd just got up to lust, I thought I was about to enjoy it really!

NP: Well Clement Freud gets a point and takes over the subject with 31 seconds on one of the seven deadly sins starting now.

CF: The best deadly sin in my view is gluttony. You eat and have more than you had before. You belch and you do all sorts of disgusting things because soup, fish, meat, sweet, puddings, lamb, beef, pork, crackling, fat, gravy. And gluttony is...


NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Repetition of meat. A long...

NP: He didn't say it.

PJ: A long list of ah...

NP: He didn't repeat the word meat.

PJ: No, but he did repeat...

NP: I thought he, he didn't actually deviate from the game.

PJ: I see.

NP: So Clement you have nine seconds to go on one of the seven deadly sins starting now.

CF: It's a marvellous feeling when you cannot consume any more than you have had. You're full, you are absolutely up your...


NP: Well certainly if I had been playing the game, I would have challenged there. Because I think it's a horrible feeling to be so full as that. I would call that deviation, I don't think it's a pleasant feeling. But Clement you kept going till the whistle went. You gain an extra point for that and others in the round gives you the lead now one ahead of Kenneth Williams. And Peter Jones will you begin the next round, the subject is being sincere when you don't mean it. Can you tell us something on that subject in this game starting now.

PJ: Well being sincere when you don't mean it is a contradiction in terms, because you can't possibly be. I personally am a transparently and burningly, genuinely...


NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Hesitation.

NP: I think you did actually.

PJ: You thought I hesitated?

NP: Yes I think so, yes. It was long enough to be a hesitation in the game, I think. So Derek takes over the subject of being sincere when you don't mean it, with 47 seconds left starting now.

DN: I would like to be be sincere when I don't mean it, by describing Nicholas Parsons as being one of the intellectual giants of our age. There is a man with the mind of a 14 year old child, and a body which has gone off somewhat. He is the person which we all admire tremendously. Books have been written about him, aeons of paeans of praise, have been spoken about this extraordinary person. And when we are privileged to sit here in this room and gaze upon the aforesaid chairman of the game, we all cheer with wonderment that we are privileged in 1984...


NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Privileged twice.

NP: I know but I enjoyed it! But I do have to be fair within the game, I always try and be as fair as I can and he did repeat the word privileged, you're quite right Clement. Six seconds are left Clement for you, on being sincere when you don't mean it starting now.

CF: It is a mark of insincerity of purpose to seek a highborn Emperor in a low-down tea shop.


NP: Clement Freud increased his lead at the end of that round. And it is also his turn to begin. Clement the subject is strange laws. Will you tell us something about those in Just A Minute starting now.

CF: The law is only strange in the eye of the beholder. There are plenty of civil servants, those who do not write yours sincerely at the end of their letter, but put your obedient servant...


NP: Kenneth Williams challenged.

KW: Oh I'm sorry, the finger slipped on the buzzer. It's one of those things, you know, what do you call it, what do you call it, reflex, it's a reflex thing.

NP: Because you thought he was going to say yours again.

KW: No, no, it was a mistake. I just slipped on the buzzer you see.

NP: Oh Kenneth, I don't know what you're talking about, but Clement has a point for being interrupted because you challenged, and he continues with strange laws and there are 49 seconds left starting now.

CF: There was a 19th century law which made it illegal for people to give their servants salmon more than five times a week. At that time this particular fish was so cheap and common, that it was considered wrong to give people in your employ....


NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Repetition of people.

NP: Well done Peter, yes, people, people. Thirty-two seconds are left Peter for you on strange laws starting now.

PJ: Yes, I can remember a law which forbade people to buy blades for razors which they were able to purchase, on Sundays. And a number of anomalies like that have occurred down the years. We are very fortunate in this country that there are no really serious ridiculous laws, except perhaps the one that divides the er...


NP: Derek challenged.

DN: The ah, hesitation.

NP: Yes. The er, you're actually sitting beside him so you can see the ers coming up before anybody else. There are 12, no 11 seconds left for strange laws with you Derek starting now.

DN: Lord Strange of Nottingham who was a distinguished member of the Upper House wanted to bring in a law so that criminals could be castrated instead of going to prison, they were given the choice. I thought that was a very strange law but he had observed...


NP: So Derek Nimmo kept going till the whistle went, gained the extra point. And he's now in second place behind our leader who is still Clement Freud. Kenneth Williams in third place and he also begins the next round. Kenneth the subject is clerihews. Will you tell us something about those in Just A Minute starting now.

KW: Clerihews are four line verses which take their name from Mister Bentley. They're funny quadrants, and the person or subject has to be named in the first line. An example
Said Sir Christopher Wren
"I'm going to dine with some men
If anyone calls
Tell them I'm designing St Paul's."
There you have a perfect example of...


NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Repetition of example.

NP: Yes, you said at the beginning an example of a clerihew, and that was a perfect example. Bad luck Kenneth, and there are 26 seconds for Derek to take over clerihews starting now.

DN: Kenneth Williams
Is envied by millions
Who would like to share
His spun gold hair.
Is a very perfect example of a clerihew.
Clement Freud
Is always annoyed
If anyone smokes
Because he doesn't think it's a very good jokes.
Those are good examples of clerihews, as Mister Williams has so rightly said...


NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Two Mister Williams.

KW: You can't have too much of that! That's ridiculous isn't it.

NP: I'm afraid in Just A Minute, you can in the sense that you repeated it. That is one of the laws or rules of the game. And with two seconds to go, Clement you've got in on clerihews starting now.

CF: Clerihew is really a very unusual name...


NP: So Clement Freud's increased his lead, speaking again as the whistle went, getting an extra point. And Derek Nimmo takes the next round. Derek the subject is Vesuvius. Will you tell us something about that in Just A Minute starting now.

DN: Vesuvius is a volcano rather near to Naples. In about 80 AD or some such time, it erupted in the most enormous and vast explosion, and we are so grateful to it because the resultant lava overflew Pompeii and into more importantly, Herculean. And as a result of that, buried 30 feet in the... black stuff that I was just talking about...


NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Hesitation.

NP: Yes well as I was a bit sharp on you when Derek challenged...

DN: Oh quite, give it to him.

NP: ... it's only fair to say yes, that was hesitation. So Peter you get the subject of Vesuvius with 35 seconds starting now.

PJ: Well Vesuvius the volcano started with a mere hole in the ground or split in the surface of the earth. And it erupted and it is now a huge mountain, which only goes to show if you persevere and keep going for century after each 100 years, you are able to attain a height and a dignity and a fame also which people go to see it from all over the world. And as they...


NP: Kenneth Williams challenged.

KW: Hesitation.

NP: Yes there was hesitation. This time Kenneth, you've got in with only four and a half seconds to go on Vesuvius starting now.

KW: It also succeeded in blotting out not only Pompeii but Aplonte as well, a much larger...


NP: So they're all getting points, but also we're hearing from them all which is the most important thing. And Peter Jones it's your turn to begin. The subject is fallacies. Will you tell us something about those in Just A Minute starting now.

PJ: Well they're usually mistaken beliefs, often quite innocent. For example, it's...


NP: Yes Derek?

DN: Hesitation.

NP: Hesitation. Derek there are 54 seconds for you to talk about fallacies starting now.

DN: Last Easter Sunday I went to St John's Cathedral in Hong Kong for morning service. And there for the first time, the... programme...


NP: Clement Freud.

CF: Hesitation.

NP: Yes indeed, there are 45 seconds for fallacies with you Clement, starting now.

CF: Lowestoft is the largest town in the world. Skateboards are coming in again. Kenneth Williams runs a mile in three minutes and 45 seconds. Those are the sort of fallacies which if you uttered them in public, people would stretch their eyes and say never...


NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Well no, they're just plain lies. They're not, they're not fallacies which people, anybody believes! Nobody believes that, any of those...

NP: Well I'm not going to judge between a lie and a fallacy. Not with this intelligent looking audience sitting out in front. So I think what I will do is bow to your superior wisdom and judgement and let you be the final arbiters. Now if you agree with Peter's challenge, then you cheer for him. And if you disagree, then you boo for Clement Freud, and you all do it together now.


NP: Well either they're prejudiced for Peter, or they do believe that lies, there is a distinguishing area between lies and fallacies. And they are with you Peter so you take over the subject with 26 seconds on fallacies starting now.

PJ: Look after the pounds and the pennies will take care of themselves, is something that I actually believe. Though the reverse is er normally spoken...


NP: Derek yes.

DN: Hesitation.

NP: Yes I suppose it was. Sixteen seconds on fallacies with you Derek starting now.

DN: And the bishop preached on pharisees and the resurrection of the cross. But being Chink, he said fallacies and the lesullection of the closs which threw me completely...


NP: Yes Clement you challenged?

CF: Helping him out!

NP: I will not comment...

DN: Will you tell Mister Freud that I don't need his assistance and give me another point please.

NP: You get a point because you were interrupted, and you have six seconds to continue on fallacies starting now.

DN: I think it's very important to differentiate between a pharisee and a fallacy. But I...


NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: That was repetition of pharisees.

DN: No, the first time was pharisees, that was a pharisee.

NP: That was a pharisee, and the other time was pharisees.

DN: A deliberate little trap, to get you, Mister Freud! Knowing how quick you are on your miserable little button!

NP: So you've got half a second left on fallacies Derek starting now.

DN: Garlic keeps away moles...


NP: Well Derek Nimmo got a number of points in that round including one for speaking as the whistle went and he has leapt forward. But he is still one point behind our leader who is still Clement Freud, who also begins the next round. Clement the subject is a pistol shot. Will you tell us something about that in the game starting now.

CF: It's jolly difficult talking about a pistol shot for 60 seconds, because as a noise it is staccato and quick. Bang, wang is the sort of noise that you might hear. I've said noise twice...


NP: You should have challenged yourself as you did a number of weeks ago. But Derek got in when you told them. Derek, yes, what is your challenge?

DN: Well I think it has to be repetition.

NP: Yes all right.

DN: Although that might assume it was a revolver rather than a pistol.

NP: Oh!

PJ: When he said bang wang, I thought we were back in Hong Kong again!

NP: Derek you have 46 and a half seconds on a pistol shot starting now.

DN: I was riding across the Sahara on a camel, when I heard in the distance a pistol shot. I ducked down behind a handily adjacent sand dune. And though I thought at first it was a mirage, it proved to be a great cloud...


NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Hesitation.

NP: All right Peter, 31 seconds for you on a pistol shot starting now.

PJ: The phrase, a pistol shot, occurs very often in backstage Spoonerism stories. So someone dashes on to the stage and says...


NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Repetition of stage.

NP: Yes there was a repetition of stage, I'm afraid Peter.

PJ: Oh yes.

NP: There are 21 seconds left for you Clement on a pistol shot starting now.

CF: For this it is almost essential to have a pistol. Also a trigger and a bullet comes in very handy. Else when you press the mechanism, nothing comes out, and then you would have no pistol shot, just a clunk clipping noise such as I said before...


NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: Well it's all terribly boring!

NP: I know! It was juddering to a halt, wasn't he.

KW: Juddering to a halt, I mean completely. That was very perspicacious of you Nick. You saw that. I thought I was the only one else who saw it.

NP: I agree with your challenge anyway. So you have four seconds on a pistol shot starting now.

KW: A pistol shot rang out of the York Theatre when John Wilkes Booth fired at Lincoln...


NP: So Kenneth got that extra point, speaking as the whistle went. He's still in third place but he's creeping up on Derek Nimmo who is just behind our leader still, Clement Freud. And Kenneth you also begin the next round. The subject is stopping hiccups. Can you tell us something about that in this game starting now.

KW: You must alter the rhythms that have been established in the sarspiratory diaphragm. So consequently you must breathe in a different way. One of the best tips I can give you is to inhale deeply and then recite a long piece. Such as
(very very fast to the point of being unintelligible) The old order changes yielding place to the new,
and God fulfils Himself in many ways,
lest one good custom corrupt the world.
Our little systems have their day,
they have their day then cease to be.
They are but broken lights of Thee, and thou...


NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: You'd be better off with the hiccups!

NP: So we give Peter Jones a bonus point for his delightful remark and also another point for a correct challenge because he'd deviated from hiccups on to a recitation of er a poem which we couldn't understand! Peter you have 23 seconds on stopping hiccups starting now.


NP: Yes Kenneth you challenged.

KW: What is, how, how did the subject get taken away from me? What, what is the grounds?

NP: Because you deviated from hiccups, you were just reciting something.

KW: On the contrary, I was describing a remedy and he...

NP: I know but your remedy went...

KW: He didn't challenge. He said "you'd be better off with the hiccups". He didn't express a challenge. He was just making a funny remark and the audience, for some peculiar reason...

NP: Well I thought, I thought his...

KW: ... found this very comic! I don't find it funny! I've come all the way from Great Portland Street and I'm not here to be made fun of! Do you think I'm some object of ridicule? Do you think that's what I am?


PJ: Yes! Yes!

DN: Can we put that to the audience?

KW: Well he obviously has done! Hasn't he!

NP: I mean, as chairman it is my very difficult decision to try and make judgements and decisions and my decision that you were deviating.

DN: You just said he was a very good chairman, didn't you.

KW: Yeah I did, I know.

NP: But those thoughts in any panellists mind amongst these four never last for very long, I've noticed. So Peter you still have 23 seconds on the subject of stopping hiccups starting now.

PJ: Well you can try and drink a glass of water while you're standing on your head. But I remember when my little daughter had it, she was so badly affected by these hiccups that I suddenly decided to give her a surprise and I pretended to have a heart attack! And it was so realistic and some mind-boggling that she was terribly upset. She did have the er...


NP: Saved by the whistle! He erred as the whistle went, but he gained a number of points in that round and has moved forward with alacrity, to one point behind Derek Nimmo, two behind our leader Clement Freud and two ahead of Kenneth Williams. And Derek begins the next round. The subject for you Derek is losing one's baggage. You travel a lot, I don't know whether this has ever happened, but please talk on the subject in Just A Minute starting now.

DN: Today because of aeroplanes it is frightfully easy to lose one's baggage. You can start off on a 747, you have breakfast in London, lunch in New York, dinner in Los Angeles, and all the time...


NP: Clement Freud.

CF: Repetition of seven.

NP: Seven four seven! No well listened, a good challenge. You let him go on for a bit before your challenge which was very fair and reasonable. So Clement, we give you the subject and a point of course, and tell you there are 48 seconds on losing one's baggage starting now.

CF: I once went to the check-in counter at British Airways, and said I would like this bag to be sent to Gibraltar and that one to Malta. And the lady said I am afraid we are unable to do this. And I pointed out that she had done it last time! Losing one's baggage is really a very simple thing to do especially if you consign it to an airline and to the baggage compartment thereof. Somehow there is machinery among the ports of this country and many others as well which are especially geared to damage luggage as you put them in. Scraping off labels, losing...


NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Hesitation.

NP: I agree Derek, so there are nine seconds left for you to talk on losing one's baggage starting now.

DN: I was travelling on Qantas the other day and I discovered, somebody came up and told me that I had lost my baggage. I was in Club Dosh, it's not so much that, it's more of a gay bar really. Anyway they asked me if...


NP: Well alas as they often say in show business, the clock has beaten us in the sense that we have no more time to play Just A Minute today. So let me give you the final score. Kenneth Williams giving of his all and his best excelled himself, and once again finished in fourth place. Peter Jones, delighting us as usual with his witticisms and comments finished once again in third place. But very aptly, just, but only just, out in the lead, we have two joint winners,Derek Nimmo with Clement Freud! Well we do hope that you've enjoyed listening to this edition of Just A Minute. And will want to tune in again at the same time next week. Until then, good-bye!


ANNOUNCER: The chairman of Just A Minute was Nicholas Parsons, the programme was devised by Ian Messiter and produced by Pete Atkin.