ANNOUNCER: We present Kenneth Williams, Peter Jones, Clement Freud and Derek Nimmo in Just A Minute. And as the Minute Waltz fades away here to tell you about it is our chairman Nicholas Parsons.

NICHOLAS PARSONS: Thank you, thank you very much, hello and welcome to Just A Minute. And as youíve just heard we have our four regular players of the game. And once more theyíre going to compete in Just A Minute, and by talking if they can on the subject I will give them without hesitation, without repetition and without deviating from the subject. And weíll start the contest with Derek Nimmo, and the subject is parbuckles. Derek will you tell us something about parbuckles in Just A Minute starting now.

DEREK NIMMO: My son, Piers James Alexander Nimmo, is at a preparatory school called The Dragon in Oxford. And his housemaster is named Richard Kershaw Sudbury "Pa" Buckles. The reason they call him Pa Buckles is of course heís a father himself. And all the boys lovingly shout every morning "hello Pa Buckles" when he comes down the stairs, with his handy slipper which he whacks them with! And sometimes on the games field in the middle of the game of rugby, with the Fijians around, heís been known to cry ... "Pa Buckles...


NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

DN: Boring subject isnít it!

CLEMENT FREUD: Hesitation!

NP: Yes there was a hesitation. And what on earth, Iíd have thought deviation, all those Fijians at his sonís school, I donít believe it for a minute! Er Clement Freud you have a correct challenge, you get a point for that and you take over the subject of parbuckles and there are 25 seconds left starting now.

CF: Parbuckles is sort of nautical. Like a rope which they call a sheet. Or it might even be a knot which they call a cloved hitch, lasso, or noose...


NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KENNETH WILLIAMS: Well deviation, it is not a knot.

NP: No, but he said it could be...

KW: It canít be a knot! It is a rope!

NP: He was giving an example of how this word...

KW: Parbuckle is a rope, it canít be a knot! Itís a rope, itís got to go up and down! A knot canít go and down! What are you talking about? A knotís for tying, you great nit! Heís an idiot! He doesnít know anything! Heís never read a dictionary!

NP: He was sticking to the subject of parbuckles and giving examples of a different kind and...

DN: He canít...

KW: How can a knot be... what are you talking about? Itís a rope for raising and lowering articles! How can it be a knot!

NP: It is not a knot! And Iím not going to have an argument about it...

KW: He said it could be a knot, itís deviation, it canít be a knot!

PETER JONES: Well it doesnít matter, itís not er...

KW: Why, it matters to me! It matters very much to me! What do you mean it doesnít matter! I think itís important that these people here are given an accurate account of these things, otherwise theyíre going out of this place, full of misinformation!

PJ: But a few, a few weeks ago...

KW: Is that what you want, a nation of illiterates walking round not knowing, not having any idea all their lives, what a parbuckle is!They want to know, theyíre throbbing with it, arenít they! That lady there, sheís dieing to know what a real parbuckle is and I happen to know!

NP: Kenneth! Clementís already told us what a real parbuckle is but heís given us an example, youíve done your little bit, the audience loved it. We get back to the contest, it was an incorrect challenge. Clement wasnít deviating from the subject, he keeps it, there are 13 seconds left starting now.

CF: In a shipís chandlerís shop in Leyton buzzer...


NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Repetition of ships.

NP: Yes, you did mention the word ships before...

CF: Not ships chandler, ship-apostrophe-s chandler.

NP: Youíre quite right, yes it was ships before and this was ship-apostrophe-s, Iím sorry Clement...

DN: Well is that...

NP: Ten seconds...

DN: Oh for goodness sale! Really!

NP: ... on parbuckles starting ...

DN: Since he was a prefect at school youíve always been terrified of Freud havenít you!

KW: Yes! Heís right! Yes! Right, yes! Thatís true, isnít it!

DN: If anybody else on the team had said ships twice...

NP: I try to be...

DN: Ships-apostrophe-s! A load of rubbish! You ought to resign!

KW: Resign!

DN: Resign!

KW: Resign!

DN: Shall we ask the audience if Parsons should resign?

KW: Heís a rotten chairman!

NP: All right the man who thought of the game is sitting beside me, s-apostrophes and plurals, are they different words?

KW: Itís no good asking him!

IAN MESSITER: Yes they are!

NP: Thank you, so I was right to give Clement Freud....

DN: If youíre given a word like checks, it can be all different kinds, it can be checks with an apostrophe...

NP: The man who thought of the game says that the decision was right...

DN: It tales a plural!

NP: ... so Clement keeps the subject and there are nine and a half seconds on parbuckles starting now.

CF: And they strung up the chairman by a parbuckle...


NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: No because a parbuckle can only be used for carrying cylindrical objects...

NP: Yes...

CF: What do you think of the...

DN: I withdraw my challenge! Iím sorry! I withdraw my challenge! Iím sorry!

NP: Iím going to put it to the audience. If you think Iím a cylindrical object and should be strung up... and could be strung up on a parbuckle, by a parbuckle, then you cheer for Derek Nimmo, and if not you boo for Clement Freud, and you all do it together now.


NP: Thank you! You can leave! You think that Iím a cylindrical object that could be strung up by a parbuckle. Derek Nimmoís with parbuckle, with four and a half seconds starting now.

DN: Barrels can be hoisted up by parbuckles onto the top of a roof where they will be found to be very useful...


NP: Well at the end of that frenetic round, and weíve been going for quite a while and weíve only got through one round, Clement Freud has three points, Derek Nimmo who got an extra one for speaking as the whistle went has got two, Peter Jones, Kenneth Williams yet to score. And Peterís going to begin the next round. Peter, the subjectís useless information. A lot of that is given in Just A Minute, would you like to talk on the subject starting now.

PJ: Yes well as soon as I heard the words I was immediately reminded of some of the things Clement Freud told us some weeks ago about cooking woodworms, which was pretty useless information. But the world is absolutely full of it! The telephone directories, ah...


NP: Clement Freud.

CF: Hesitation.

NP: Yes there was a definite er Iím afraid so Clement has a point and the subject and 43 seconds on useless information starting now.

CF: I think some of the most useless information you get you find in womens magazines towards the back, where people are encouraged to write in and ask the resident sage for advice. And you get letters that begin with "my lodger has been going out with my 14 year old daughter and Iím exceedingly worried about what they might be up to in the front room on Tuesday evenings". To which the answer is "you really must stop writing on both sides of the page because your letters are difficult to read". And I think for sheer useless...


NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Repetition of letters.

NP: Yes, Iím afraid so. And I would also say I would have given deviation, because Iím sure that people take those letters fairly responsibly and donít put those sort of replies... There are eight seconds...

CF: What is this show coming to?

DN: Heís getting so pompous!

KW: Yes!

NP: I made a living out of being pompous! Why should I change now?

CF: The thoughts of Chairman Nicholas! I mean...

NP: Well one of my jobs is to try and see fair play and Iím going to see fair play for those who canít answer back, the womenís magazines...

KW: You couldnít see fair play if it was written up for you! You canít pronounce it!

NP: There are eight seconds for you Derek on er useless information starting now.

DN: Some of the most useless information that I have ever been given I find on a commercial television programme called Sale of the Century...


NP: Derek Nimmo timed that perfectly, not only finishing as the whistle went but getting is... whatís the word... the punchline...


PJ: Hesitation!

NP: Hesitation, thank you Peter. So heís increased his lead at the end of the round. Clement Freud weíre with you to start and the subject is jousting, you have 60 seconds starting now.

CF: Jousting is coming into its own again, as they say. It was a sport used by knights in ancient times who sat on horses wearing armour and tried to push each other off their mounts by galloping in the direction of their opponent. But today it is a charitable thing, and a company run by a man called Charles Jones or William Robinson or Harry James for all that I know, write to you when you open a fete and say it would be extraordinarily beneficial to the charitable concerned...


NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Slightly erring, I thought he was saying charity twice and he said charitable...

CF: No, no, no, I said charity and then charitable.

DN: I know! I said my challenge was slightly...

NP: Yes!

DN: Iím apologising Clem, Iím sorry.

CF: Itís all right.

DN: I hope youíll accept it.

NP: Well, why this sudden chivalry in the programme? Itís...

CF: Itís got nothing to do with you!

DN: Nothing to do with you!

CF: You just, you just say yes or no, thatís what youíre there for!

NP: Thatís all you want me to say!

CF: Analyse the relationships which we form with one another!

KW: No! Pronounce judgments like this! Itís ludicrous, isnít it!

CF: Itís absurd!

KW: Ideas above his station, thatís the trouble!

DN: It might be easier if he just sort of shut up, wouldnít it!

CF: Yes!

KW: He should shut up!

DN: Let Ian Messiter keep the score!

KW: Yes!

NP: Clement you have 24 seconds to continue on the subject of jousting starting now.

CF: Naturally the local hospital and fire brigade are called in because it is a dangerous occupation. And as a result of jousting...


NP: Kenneth Williams.

KW: Deviation, the hospital he says are called in, you canít call in a hospital. You might call in a doctor from a hospital but you couldnít call a hospital into a jousting match.

CF: The DHSS has called in more hospitals in the last few months than anyone!

KW: Ah you canít call in...

NP: Kenneth I agree with your challenge, a very good one, and you have 16 and a half seconds, no, 15 and a half seconds on jousting starting now.

KW: Well perhaps the most famous jousting match ever held was that between Lord Gawain and Mordred. Now he was known, the latter person for his nastiness, and had a great ball with some...


NP: So Kenneth Williams was speaking then as the whistle went, and gained...

KW: Well at last! Iím in the lead! At last! Iíve always been losing you see!

NP: Youíre still in third place!

KW: Oh!

NP: But you are ahead of Peter Jones who won last time you all four played this game together. No. Clement Freud still in the lead, just one ahead of Derek Nimmo. But Kenneth itís your turn to begin and the subject is the most extraordinary person I have ever met. Thatís the subject, 60 seconds, starting now.

KW: The most extraordinary person I ever met was actually covered in... donít do that! Heís doing it deliberately!


NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

KW: Heís just...

PJ: Hesitation!

KW: No I wasnít hesitating, I said donít do that. Heís just sitting there, looking at me and making funny faces and trying to put me off.

PJ: Well I know! And he succeeded!

KW: Ah thatís not in the rules, the rules of the game state that you should be allowed to proceed...

CF: No, no, no!

KW: It does!

NP: Thereís nothing about being allowed to proceed!

DN: According to Nicholas Parsons...

KW: It does! It says in the book without let or hindrance! Itís in the book!

NP: Now thereís a book about it! Youíre making up new rules as you go along! Kenneth I do believe that you were obstructed and...

KW: Thank you!

NP: ... I donít think thatís fair play!

KW: Thank you, yes.

NP: And I said before I like to see fair play. So Iím not going to allow the challenge and you keep the subject, you have 53 seconds on the most extraordinary person I have ever met starting now.

KW: She was on this pier and was actually covered in hair. I know that sounds fantastic but you see it was the most extraordinary person I have ever met. And a certain slushing sound came out on every sibilant (makes slushing sounds)


NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Repetition of (slushing sound)

KW: Donít be absurd! Thatís not repetition! Thatís not, donít be absurd, I said (slushing sounds)

NP: Yes! You did! You repeated (slushing sound)

KW: In that case then the sound of I and T which reoccurs in a sentence could also be called repetition! Thatís rid... Thank you! Thank you!

NP: Kenneth...

KW: The audience is with me and theyíre obviously...

NP: The I and T is part of a word. You made a definite noise, (slushing sound)

KW: Donít be absurd, I said on the sibilants there was a slushing sound and then illustrated it. If youíre going to tell me you canít illustrate it...

PJ: You illustrated it...

KW: ... you might as well say oh consonants are in the line as well, so are vowels!

NP: Well Kenneth if I was taking you literally you could go through the whole of that with only (slushing sounds) for 60 seconds.

KW: If I say (slushing sounds) s(slush)ee a s(slush)tranger across(slush) a crowded room, thatís not repetition! Thatís not repetition! Well I mean Iím always being unfairly used!

NP: Kenneth youíre...

KW: They try to make a butt of me!

NP: Kenneth youíre not unfairly used, I give you a tremendous amount of rope and you invariably hang with yourself with it! But Iíll give you a bonus point for your brilliant demonstration but I disagree entirely. And Clement Freud has the subject after repetition and there are 37 seconds left, the most extraordinary person I have ever met starting now.

CF: The most extraordinary person I have ever met was hanging from a parbuckle and looked like a cylindrical object! He swung backwards and forwards in the high wind. And investigating the appearance carefully, it was none other than Nicholas Parsons our chairman. About time, the people said as they were walking by...

NP: Kenneth you challenged!

KW: Oh did I?

NP: Yes!

KW: What was the basis?

NP: Nicholas Parsons, repetition.

KW: Oh thatís right, he said it before!

NP: And we donít want too much of him in this show, do we! So Kenneth you get the subject back and there are 17 seconds on the most extraordinary person Iíve ever met starting now.

KW: He was entirely black and on the upper berth of a train which...


NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Deviation, heís already established that th most extraordinary person heís ever met was covered with hair and was a lady.

NP: Yes Iím afraid you did!

KW: Havenít you ever heard of a sex change? You great fool! Itís happening all the time!

NP: Kenneth, actually it was a brilliant attempt. Iím tempted to give youi another bonus point. But actually...

KW: Donít be tempted, dear! Do it! Go on! Strain yourself!

NP: But even if the most extraordinary person in your world had had a sex change, they still couldnít have changed colour!

KW: Yes thatís right!

NP: No... thatís right yes!

KW: Havenít you heard of blacking up?

NP: Oh blacking up! No, Iím sorry! Back to the subject, there are 13 seconds with you Derek on the most extraordinary person I have ever met starting now.

DN: The most extraordinary person that I have ever met was a woman with amazing measurements, 38 breasts, 22...


NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: No woman could have 38 breasts!

DN: I... I did establish...

KW: I know, I know, you meant bust.

DN: No!

NP: He meant bust!

DN: Thatís why she was extraordinary! I mean I donít expect a normal woman to have 38 breasts! It was just this particular woman, thatís why...

NP: I think you deviated far too far...

DN: The subject on the card is the most extraordinary person I have ever met. If I saw, if you saw a woman come in here with 38 breasts, would you not think that was a trifle odd? In fact, might you not say this was extraordinary? That was what I was doing.

PJ: No, itíd only be odd if she had 37!

NP: By any token, I think Peter Jones deserves the subject! Heís going to have it, heís got his first point in this game actually. And he was our winner recently. Ah Peter you have four seconds to take over the subject of the most extraordinary person I have ever met starting now.

PJ: This woman wore evening dress with a cricket belt round her waist and she had...


NP: Well that was one of those subjects that produced all the hilarity that we enjoy so much in the game. Peter Jones was speaking when the whistle went, heís getting that extra point and heís still in fourth place. Heís behind Kenneth Williams, you might be surprised to hear that Kenneth actually has caught up a great deal. Heís in second place with Derek Nimmo, only one behind our leader Clement Freud. And Derek, your turn to begin, the subject is steeplechasing. Will you tell us something about that in Just A Minute starting now.

DN: Steeple...


NP: Peter Jones challenged.

PJ: Yes there was a....

NP: Iím afraid so, he did it to you a few weeks ago. There are 58 and a half seconds on steeplechasing starting now.

PJ: Well itís a matter of getting on a horse and er accompanied...


NP: Peter, Derek Nimmo.

DN: Hesitation, and er.

NP: Yes, right, 55 seconds, steeplechasing Derek starting now.

DN: Steeplechasing originated in Ireland when a group of merry hunters decided one day to race each other towards the nearest handily adjacent steeple. And off they took at a tremendous rate of knots over brooks...


NP: Kenneth Williams.

KW: Horse riders donít go at a speed of knots.

DN: Well figuratively.

NP: Well I think thatís an expression he was using colloquially...

KW: Speed of knots, itís a nautical usage, itís nothing to do with horses. Nobody says I, I galloped at X knots.

NP: No, no, thatís true. I think he was using his metaphors incorrectly...

KW: And so he was deviating!

PJ: But itís a clichť isnít it...

KW: Deviation, deviation.

NP: He was using his clichťs incorrectly, Kenneth you have the subject...

KW: Quite right! Quite right! Quite right! Hear hear!

NP: There are 43 seconds on steeplechasing starting now.

KW: Well they dress up in what is called pink to do this...


NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Deviation, heís talking about hunting.

NP: Heís talking about hunting, steeplechasers donít! Theyíre people who go racing. Um so Clement has a correct challenge and there are 38 seconds on steeplechasing starting now.

CF: The great occasions in steeplechasing are the Cheltenham meeting in March, and every year Aintree which stages the Grand National. This year amazingly enough to be sponsored by an American motor car form, what will they think of next? Aintree has some of the most...


NP: Kenneth Williams challenged.

KW: Weíre not discussing steeplechasing at all. Heís discussing horse racing at Cheltenham and what was the other place...

NP: He was talking about steeplechasing...

KW: Newmarket, they donít do steeplechasing on a race course...

NP: They do!

KW: What are you talking about? Of course they donít!

PJ: No no youíre thinking about point to point.

KW: Ah thatís right, point to point.


CF: Repetition on the race course...

PJ: Point to point you see.

NP: But he did repeat the word year, didnít he.

KW: Thatís what I was getting at, thatís my point!

NP: Yes! So you have 20 seconds to take over the subject of steeplechasing starting now.

KW: They dress up in these uniforms...


NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Repetition of they dress up.

NP: They dressed up before.

KW: Oh sorry!

NP: Clement has the subject back, there are 18 seconds on steeplechasing starting now.

CF: Devon Locke engaged in that great steeplechase which takes place in the north of England, was possibly the most unlucky loser. And the Queen Mother, a very brave and noble woman suffered this setback with enormous fortitude. The horse in question...


NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Repetition of horse.

NP: Yes, you said horse before.

CF: When?

NP: Most unlucky horse and the horse in question.

CF: Oh yes.

NP: There are two seconds on steeplechasing with you Derek starting now.

DN: Red Rum is possibly the greatest steeplechaser...


NP: Well an interesting situation in the score, Derek Nimmo and Clement Freud are equal in the lead still and neck and neck. And Kenneth Williams is still only one point behind. Peter ah Jones is trailing a little. And Peter itís your turn to begin, the subject is Hector Berlioz the composer. Will you tell us something about him in Just A Minute starting now.

PJ: Yes well he was French, born in the south of France. And he really was the spearhead of the French romantic move...


NP: Clement Freud.

CF: Repetition of French.

NP: Fifty-three seconds on the subject with you Clement starting now.

CF: Iím very glad that it says Hector Berlioz the composer on the card, as opposed to Hector Berlioz the lavatory attendant, Hector Berlioz the man of all seasons. He was French and he was a composer...


NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Well I not only said he was French, I repeated that he was French. So itís terribly boring to hear him telling us he was French!

NP: But what is your challenge Peter?

PJ: Ah just that heís terribly boring saying heís French!

NP: Well Iím afraid thatís not a challenge in Just A Minute! So Clement keeps the subject with 37 seconds on Hector Berlioz the composer starting now.

CF: Iím not terribly well versed in music. But he did write the Trojans, my friend Kenneth Williams has just written down for me. And was also the composer of De...vi...nash...


NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Yes that was hesitation.

NP: Yes...

PJ: Kenneth wasnít writing it fast enough!

CF: Well thatís right!

NP: That was the problem! But Peter you have the subject and there are 23 seconds on Hector Berlioz the composer starting now.

PJ: He wasnít well received by the critics. And he had a predilection for composing pieces of music that required hundreds, even a thousand, musicians. Three brass bands for instance and hundreds of people singing...


NP: Clement Freud.

CF: Repetition of hundreds.

NP: I think he said hundred before and you had hundreds then.

CF: Hundreds!

PJ: I donít know, there might even have been an apostrophe there somewhere!

NP: I donít think he said hundreds twice, it was a hundred and hundreds.

PJ: Ah yes.

NP: And so Peter you keep the subject with nine seconds to go starting now.

PJ: He had an extraordinary love life because he fell in love...


NP: Clement Freud.

CF: Thatís the second extraordinary!

NP: That is right Clement and you have seven seconds on Hector Berlioz the composer starting now.

CF: The Damnation of Faust, a piece of music beloved...


NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Repetition of music.

NP: Yes, right, there are four seconds on Hector Berlioz the composer with you Derek starting now.

DN: I would like to agree with Clement Freud that Iím awfully glad...


NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Deviation, this has nothing to do with Hector Berlioz composer. I mean...

KW: Hear hear! Quite right! Very good point! Very good point! Very well done!

NP: Well as you were talking about Hector Berlioz the composer and he would like to agree with you, Iím sure heís not deviating from the subject. So he has one second to continue... thank you! Thatís not very much! Iím sorry! Starting now.

DN: Hector Berlioz the composer.


NP: A lot of points were scored with Hector Berlioz the composer and Clement Freud is one ahead of Derek Nimmo in the lead at the present moment and heís going to begin the next round, the subject is weasels. Would you tell us something about them in Just A Minute Clement starting now.

CF: Up and down the old Kent Road, pop goes the whistle, is the sort of song which Berlioz never wrote, very sensibly because itís an appalling piece of music which Iíve said before, but not in this round...


NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Well I donít think itís an appalling thing at all, I think itís deviation, I think itís very nice...

CF: But I think! I am entitled to my opinion, you fool!

NP: So youíre entitled... heís entitled to his opinion as long as he doesnít deviate from the subject and Clement you keep it therefore with 45 and a half seconds on weasels starting now.

CF: A great gastronomical delicacy is mock weasel soup, for which you get a weasel and you make nasty taunting ugly remarks saying "yoho! boo weasel! chi weasel!" And in the end you distill it, strain it through a cloth, and serve it piping hot, with crutons or small squares, cubes of bacon...


NP: Derek...

DN: I cannot possibly agree that this is a gastronomic treat!

CF: Mock weasel...

DN: It is quite disgusting!

CF: Mock weasel soup?

DN: It canít be mock weasel if you are using a real weasel, can it, you great nana!

CF: You donít use it, you mock the weasel...

KW: And youíd have the RSPCA, the RSPCA down on you straight away wouldnít you! For using a real weasel!

DN: Strain it through a cloth!

CF: You mock the weasel...

KW: He mocked it!

NP: It was a very subtle way he was going, he was mocking the weasel with those noises, and then he was going to strain it. I think it all sounds utterly disgusting and I think it was devious as well. So Derek you have 20 seconds on weasels starting now.

DN: Up and down the old Kent Road, in and out...


NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: We canít have that recited yet again!

KW: Hear hear! Weíre all fed up with hearing half a pound of tupenny rice.

NP: The thing is that he is allowed to repeat something which somebody else has said as long as he doesnít repeat what he said himself. So he has 17 seconds to continue with weasels starting now.

DN: Thatís the way the money goes, pop goes the weasel. The... burn...


NP: Ah, Kenneth Williams.

KW: Hesitation.

NP: Yes I agree Kenneth and you have the subject of weasels and there are 12 seconds starting now.

KW: And itís a good thing that I have the subject of weasels! Because believe me, nobody else has accorded you any enlightenment on weasels that I am able to, because I can tell you they love berries. They will devour voraciously the strawberry or the loganberry...


NP: Well Kenneth Williams got the point for speaking as the whistle went and we come to the end of the contest. And let me give you the final score. Peter Jones, the victor last time the four regular competitors were battling it out together, who won then, has now, alas, come in fourth place. Well thatís the way it goes. Kenneth Williams did very well keeping his end up against our two leaders. But he didnít quite catch them up and we finish up with a joint winner this week Clement Freud and Derek Nimmo! We hope that you have enjoyed this edition of Just A Minute and youíll want to tune in again when once again we take to the air and we play this incredible game. Till then from all of us here, goodbye.


ANNOUNCER: The chairman of Just A Minute was Nicholas Parsons, the programme was devised by Ian Messiter and produced by David Hatch.