WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE!
starring KENNETH WILLIAMS, DEREK NIMMO, CLEMENT FREUD and PETER JONES, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 10 April 1985)
ANNOUNCER: We present Kenneth Williams, Clement Freud, Peter Jones and Derek Nimmo in Just A Minute. And as the Minute Waltz fades away, to tell you all about it is our chairman Nicholas Parsons.
NICHOLAS PARSONS: Thank you, thank you very much. You're almost as warm and responsive as the audience we had a number of weeks ago! Once again it's my pleasure to introduce to you Just A Minute. And for those who have heard the game many times before you will have recognised that we have our four regular players of the game. They've all been in Just A Minute since it first started. And we'll begin the show this week with Clement Freud. The subject is the intellectual members of our audience. Can you tell us something about that subject in Just A Minute starting now.
CLEMENT FREUD: The intellectual members of our audience are sitting at the back, come from Cambridgeshire, and do joined-up writing.
CHEERS FROM THE AUDIENCE
CF: They're full of all sorts of bits of information. Like they would know whether a nit's nackers were smaller or larger than gnat's knickers. They would know that Y equals MX plus C and they'd be exceedingly knowledgeable about algebra and trigonometry. many of them have passed A levels, some of them only going for Os, whereas a few get exceptional classes in their CSE and university entrance exam.
NP: Peter's challenged.
CF: I stopped.
PETER JONES: Ah hesitation.
NP: Hesitation? A full stop! But that was a hesitation in the game, and as you probably guessed at home, or wherever you're listening, we do have some followers of Clement Freud from Cambridgeshire who enjoyed his comments. There are 18 seconds for you Peter having got a point for a correct challenge to take over the subject of the intellectual members of our audience starting now.
PJ: I'm not at all sure that there are any intellectual members of our audience.
BOOS FROM THE AUDIENCE
PJ: I can only suppose that if there are, then they've wandered in here by mistake! And they'll soon be swiftly making for the exits when they are horrified by the...
NP: So when 60 seconds is up, Kenneth... Kenneth Williams, I'm sorry! When 60 seconds is up, Ian Messiter blows his whistle...
KENNETH WILLIAMS: He's losing it, isn't he! Losing it, isn't he! He's going completely to pieces!
NP: I know! The effort of concentrating with tremendous um strength always throughout. No, Ian Messiter blows his whistle when 60 seconds is up. And whoever is speaking at that moment gains an extra point and it was of course Peter Jones, who is the only one to score in the first round. And we'd like you Peter to begin the second round. The subject is taking the chair. After the intellectual members of our audience, would you tell us something on that subject starting now.
PJ: Well it's something that I would certainly hesitate to do. Because I believe it is occupied by somebody who, for his age, does a very good job. He is our chairman. I suppose that would annoy some of the women's libbers, one should say chairperson. But in his case I don't think it really matters, because the sex, after all, is a matter of opinion largely in his case. A certain epicene quality...
NP: Kenneth Williams has...
KW: Well deviation, sex is not a matter of opinion! People have certain obvious outward um signs.
PJ: I'm pointing out that his outward signs are not very obvious!
LAUGHTER FROM DN AND THE AUDIENCE
NP: I think this is one of those occasions where I will put it to the judgement of our audience! We've already established that they, we have some intellectual...
DEREK NIMMO: Could you...
KW: You don't need the judgement of the audience! You know whether somebody's saying there's no outward signs of um, what sex you've got. You know that.
NP: I thought it might be fun to see what reaction we got from them.
DN: Mister Chairman, could you stand up before you put it to the audience?
LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE
NP: I'd even be prepared to strip off, but I don't think it's very good on radio actually! I'll let them judge. If you agree with Peter Jones and what he was saying about the chairman, then you boo for him. And if you agree with Kenneth, then you cheer for him, and you all do it together now.
CHEERS AND BOOS FROM THE AUDIENCE
NP: The boos ran out longer than the cheers! By sheer sustaining of their noise, the cheers have it, and so Kenneth you have a correct challenge and you have 32 seconds on taking the chair starting now.
KW: Taking the chair was what I often saw in my father's barbers shop. When he would say to a customer "take the chair, next one". And a poor, rather effeminate creature said he fancied a blow wave. And my old man said "get out of it! I've had the Bishop in here asking for a blonde rinse to match his mitre, but I'm not having none of it! Out of here!" he cried...
NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.
DN: Repetition of out.
DN: Out of here.
NP: Out of here, he said it more than once. I'm not surprised after the things you described too. So Derek's got in cleverly with four seconds to go, taking the chair, starting now.
DN: A thick skin is a gift from God, and that can be said about Nicholas Parsons...
NP: I disagree with both remarks, it's not a gift from God, it's something you have to acquire in Just A Minute. And anyway Derek you did speak as the whistle went, you gained an extra point, and you're now equal with Peter Jones in the lead and you also begin the next round. And the subject is Spoonerisms, can you tell us something about that in Just A Minute starting now.
DN: Spoonerisms are something which was invented or in fact actually thought of, I suppose, by Doctor Spooner, who was Dean of New College, Oxford, and then became Warden of the same place. Actually it's really rather sad because the poor man suffered from alopaecia, you know and also was a Albino and couldn't see very well...
NP: Peter Jones has challenged.
PJ: That's not talking about Spoonerisms.
PJ: It's talking about Spooner.
NP: He was talking about Spooner, he was talking about alopaecia and ah...
KW: I thought it was jolly interesting Derek! And I'm glad, I'm glad...
NP: It was extremely interesting...
KW: Very good!
KW: But if you want me to be dogmatic, I will be dogmatic. There are 38 seconds on spoonerisms with you Peter starting now.
PJ: Well two examples of Spoonerisms are Nerek Dimmo and Ferment Cleud!
NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.
DN: He couldn't manage a third one!
NP: He hesitated, all right Derek, back with you, 31 seconds on Spoonerisms starting now.
DN: Or for instance, hush my brat instead of brush my hat. In the play that I am in at the moment, I have to say "I want to go and paddle in the lily-pond". And the other night, do you know what I nearly said? I can't possibly tell you because I transposed the words and it sounds absolutely disgusting and filthy! And Doctor Spooner wouldn't have liked my Spoonerism. And I have said his name twice, but nobody's picked it up till now...
NP: Yes Clement...
DN: They're a bit slow! What? Who?
NP: Yes but Clement Freud was grateful for the hint and challenged.
DN: He's always grateful.
CF: I thought he just might have said Doctor Spooner twice.
NP: I think you might be right Clement. So I will give you the subject and nine seconds on Spoonerisms starting now.
CF: Spoonerisms are called after Doctor Spooner who was at New College, Oxford and was an Albino...
NP: So Clement Freud was speaking then when the whistle went, gained that extra point. He's once again equal in the lead with Derek Nimmo. And Kenneth Williams begins the next round. Kenneth the subject this time is my personal evolution. Can you tell us something about that in 60 seconds starting now.
KW: Well of course a lot are aware that I grew from infant ignorance into an extraordinarily mature adulthood where people are quite literally flabbergasted. At not only the overwhelming nature of my intellectual persona, and gifts of natural diplomacy attached. But they are also amazed that such erudition and charm can at the same time be revealed. While other people...
NP: Clement Freud has challenged.
LAUGHTER FROM NP AND THE AUDIENCE
NP: So we give Clement a bonus point for his challenge, but are you going to have another serious challenge?
CF: That's a serious challenge!
PJ: Well I challenge as well.
KW: But you've got no right! It's my natural evolution!
NP: Well all right no, I mean, if that's all we give you a bonus point for your, what you said...
KW: Don't give him anything Nicholas, no! He deserves nothing!
NP: But Clement, Kenneth leave the subject with you...
KW: Thank you.
NP: My personal evolution and there are 10 seconds starting now.
KW: It includes the most dramatic development in what is known as my epiglottis, and in the vocal chords...
NP: I'm fascinated what your epiglottis has got to do with your personal evolution.
KW: Well you see, it is as an instrument a quite remarkable one. Now I can go over what, about three octaves. You couldn't do that, could you? No, of course you couldn't. And I can achieve sounds you see with my vocal range that do stagger, people are staggered...
NP: But you were born with that. I don't call that evolution.
KW: They say "oh Kenny, oh Kenny darling" they say, because they're always trying to get round me and touch me up, do you know what I mean. "Oh Kenny darling", they say, and...
NP: And that's what you call evolution?
DN: Sorry, I've forgotten the subject!
NP: He was not talking on a subject then, he was answering a question of mine. He got a point for speaking as the whistle went, Kenneth you are in third place now but only one behind Derek, two behind Clement our leader. And Clement begins the next round. Clement you might remember a few weeks ago when of course we had a different audience, um, a subject we had, one of the seven deadly sins. The subject this time when we've got the four fellows back together is a deadlier sin than the one Derek Nimmo talked about a few weeks back. Sixty seconds on the subject starting now.
CF: I think perhaps one of the deadliest sins is building a cattle bridge without a ramp, from which hedgehogs can get away. The great problem is that these dear little animals fall into the um...
NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.
DN: Hesitation, um.
NP: Yes, 44...
CF: Jones, Jones wants to speak.
PJ: I just wanted to tell Clement that should I ever build a cattle grid, I’ll certainly take all these precautions! You have my word for that.
NP: Yes they're very very useful in St John's Wood. There are 44 seconds for you Derek on a deadlier sin than the one Derek Nimmo talked about a few weeks back starting now.
DN: The deadliest sin of all is lust! I remember the first time that I saw Marilyn Monroe, I was reminded of the words, there is a broad who has got her future behind her! Because for me she was in every way the kind of woman that I would like to ensnare and take back to a dirty wardrobe and have my way with her. And blonde hairs, the long legs, the smooth thighs, the wrists, the arms, the cheeks, the lips, gleaming teeth, they were provoking in me the deadliest sin...
NP: Well that bravura performance of Derek Nimmo's not only kept him going...
DN: I thought it was disgusting myself really!
NP: Yes well I was...
DN: I felt quite ashamed by the end!
PJ: Very good audition for Bill Sykes!
NP: The others are far too inhibited to challenge you, they wanted to see how far you would go. But you kept going until the whistle went and gained an extra point, you're now in the lead ahead of Clement Freud and of course Kenneth Williams is next and then Peter Jones. And Peter begins the next round. Peter the subject is taking photographs. Can you tell us something about that subject in this game starting now.
PJ: Yes I used to take them quite a lot. I remember I once took one of my small boy when he was almost drowning and he was screaming and crying in the water. But I was so carried away because I thought it was such a wonderful shot that I persevered with it. And indeed it was! Later on when I was able to show it to him, he looked at it with certain mixed feelings, because it nearly cost him his life! This little snap and ah there he was...
NP: Kenneth Williams.
KW: Well a bit of a, a bit of a er I'm afraid.
NP: Yes it was hesitation. I'm just rather worried about the childhood of Peter Jones' family! I mean he was busy drowning while he photographs him. And a number of weeks ago, his daughter had hiccups and he was pretending to have a heart attack!
PJ: I know! Well I...
NP: Are your children all right Peter?
PJ: I did, I did overdo it. For instance I overdid telling them about electric fires and the danger of getting near an electric fire. And I did it so dramatically and effectively they wouldn't go into a room where there was an electric fire! That's too much you see!
NP: Yes exactly it is too much and I think you're very courageous to reveal these things, around the world!
PJ: Well I think we should alert the public to these dangers to hedgehogs, small children, and all living things in fact.
NP: I think we should alert the public to Peter Jones! That's what we're doing. But Kenneth Williams had a correct challenge and Kenneth there are 32 seconds on taking photographs starting now.
KW: Well of course I've done this so often on holidays. And when you turn the album pages and look back. Oh that's one of our cave. And that deck chair, and chicken we got rather fond of. It's very nice to see Bill wearing a banana for a moustache! Oh what a giggle we had! And everyone begins to get very nostalgic about the days when they actually had the courage of invention...
NP: So Kenneth Williams kept going till the whistle went, gained an extra point and others in the round. And he has leapt forward, he's now in second place, only one behind our leader Derek Nimmo, and one ahead of Clement Freud. And Derek Nimmo begins the next round, the subject Derek is deal. Can you tell us something about that in the game starting now.
DN: Deal is a rather pleasant little place in, I believe, Kent. I think I'm probably right. Rather pebbly beach I remember, a very nice castle. And of course hard by is the Warmer lifeboat with which have been saved many lives throughout the English Channel where it tends to operate. Because that is the stretch of water nearest to Deal. But should you go there, please have a look at the castle. I think you will find...
NP: Peter Jones has challenged.
PJ: Repetition of castle.
NP: Yes you mentioned the castle before, Warmer Castle and now the castle.
DN: I think I said Warmer lifeboat.
NP: No, Warmer lifeboat, yes. but the castle...
DN: Castle and lifeboat, the same thing, aren't they, yes. Aren't they yes?
PJ: He' a very intrepid traveller really, considering he goes round the world all the time and he only thinks that Deal is in Kent! It's very likely to be in Kent!
NP: Yes well that's it you see, he gets in an aeroplane and he never sees anything of this country.
DN: Have you finished?
NP: Derek, Peter you had a correct challenge and there are 32 seconds for you to talk on the subject of deal starting now.
PJ: Deal is to the pinetree what beef is to a cow. In other words that's what it becomes when the timber is felled and cut up into pieces and made into furniture of a usually inferior kind. It's a sort of ah...
NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.
NP: Yes there was and there are 13 and a half seconds for you to take back the subject of deal starting now.
DN: A new deal for the American people! That is what President Roosevelt said in 1932 and he was absolutely right! And what he did from thereon...
NP: Peter Jones challenged.
NP: Shall we take a vote on it?
DN: It was in 1932, you can't change...
PJ: I said it was 1933.
DN: He said it in 1932! You can't take a vote on it!
KW: No, it was in 1933 that Peter heard about it! That's the point!
DN: Well then he'll have to wait a year before he makes the challenge!
NP: No, the thing is that ah whether he made it publicly in 1933 doesn't really matter.
NP: Because he could well have said it in 1932! I am not disagreeing with you Derek Nimmo! Please don't try and browbeat me and try and show me up in front of this marvellous intellectual intelligent remarkable fantastic audience. Have I made my point? You still have the subject, you have five and a half seconds on deal starting now.
DN: Nicholas Parsons has every characteristic of a dog, except loyalty. I've noticed that a great deal...
NP: Oh God! After the things I've said... yes Peter what was your challenge? Whatever it is, you've got it!
PJ: Thank you very much.
PJ: Deviation and personal abuse.
NP: I can't give you two points but you have got one for deviation and you have one second on the subject of deal starting now.
PJ: It's cut-up trees...
NP: So Peter and Derek Nimmo, Peter Jones and Derek Nimmo got points in that round. Peter has crept forward into third place and Derek's increased his lead. And Kenneth Williams begins the next round. The subject Kenneth is Joseph Priestly. Will you tell us something about that great scientists in Just A Minute starting now.
KW: He was one of those 18th century theologians who combined a knowledge of religion...
NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.
DN: Well deviation because you said he had to talk about a great scientist, and now he's talking about a theologian.
NP: Well he was a scientist and a theologian.
DN: Well why didn't you say that?
NP: Because we're not...
DN: We don't know which one we're talking about, do we? If you say talk about a great scientist...
NP: I thought, I thought actually you were quite a intelligent chap and you might have known that, you see.
DN: Well you should have known better!
NP: Well as the challenge was more like an interruption, he gets a point for that and continues, Kenneth, on Joseph Priestly and there are 53 seconds starting now.
KW: A dissenting clergyman and consequently laid up a lot of trouble for himself with the orthodox establishment. And his partisan attitude apropos the French Revolution, led an angry crowd in Birmingham to rush into his house, ransack and burn the contents! Whereupon he, who meanwhile had discovered oxygen and was very interested in (unintelligible) removed himself to a place called Northumberland in Pennsylvania. Now it was appropriate with his views that he should have settled in a place like that...
NP: Clement Freud challenged.
CF: Repetition of place.
NP: Yes, he moved himself to a place, and...
KW: Well he doesn't know anything about it! He's only trying to get points! He doesn't know anything about it! He's useless, he's got nothing to say about Joseph Priestly! You watch!
NP: But one of the things about Just A Minute is trying to get points, you see Kenneth.
NP: And there are six seconds for Clement on the subject starting now.
CF: Joseph Priestly is a very rare name in Kathmandu. I dare say you could go around the whole of Nepal looking...
NP: Well Clement Freud with that extra point then moved forward into second place, one behind Derek Nimmo, one ahead of Kenneth Williams and three ahead of Peter Jones. And he also begins the next round. Clement the subject is my forebears. Will you tell us something about those in Just A Minute starting now.
CF: My four bears were called Desmond, Montorensi, Charles and Fred. And they were hooked on Goldilocks and adored honey. In fact they ate more of that sweetmeat than any other bears that I've come across. My children when they came home from work at night used to say "will you tell us a story about your four bears?" And I would sit down and say once upon a time there were four bears. Marigold, Charles, Sonia, Deirdre. It was a different story from the one that I was going to tell you before. And they adored it. In fact some of them stopped, went on to the unemployment register, simply so that they could stay in the sitting room or lounge of the house and listen to other recantations of an animal nature such as this. The four bears that I had were a grandfather, mother, uncle...
NP: Well with tremendous effort and almost teetering on the brink of pausing, Clement Freud kept going and with great forbearance from the other three, he spoke for 60 seconds without being interrupted. He gets a point for speaking as the whistle went and a bonus point for not being interrupted. And he's now in the lead just ahead of Derek Nimmo. Peter Jones will you begin the next round, the subject is the binary system. Can you tell us something about that in Just A Minute starting now.
PJ: Oh Lord! Well it's to do...
NP: Kenneth Williams challenged.
KW: Deviation yes. When you begin talking about the binary system with references to the deity, especially to our Lord, I think that is deviation and I don't think...
NP: Well I think...
KW: We're not interested in what you think! We're interested in the rules of the game, dearie!
NP: Unfortunately as chairman you have to be interested in what I think!
NP: Because he'd only been going for one second and he still hadn't had a chance to establish whether he'd deviated from the subject. So Kenneth I disagree. The binary system with 59 seconds is still with you Peter starting now.
PJ: Rutherford, as I was going to say, would have been able to talk about this at great length. It's a system that requires the use of two digits, usually I think one and zero. And I don't really know much more about it...
NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.
KW: Deviation, that's not the binary system.
NP: Well anyway he was deviating...
KW: Definitely deviating, I mean it was all deviation, the whole thing was, yes.
NP: Forty-four seconds Kenneth for you on the binary system starting now.
KW: The binary system is the system of numbers whereby every one is divisible by two. Consequently 16, divisible by two, means eight...
NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.
DN: Two twos are four.
KW: Well that is the binary system, everything's divisible twice.
DN: I know, but you said two twice.
NP: You repeated the word two I'm afraid.
KW: Well I don't see how you can discuss the subject without telling them! Let someone else do it then! I don't care!
NP: That's what you have to try and do in Just A Minute alas!
KW: Well if you're going to say, if you're going to say what it's about, that's what it's about!
NP: Yes but if you're going to play Just A Minute, we've come to...
KW: That's what it's about, isn't it! I mean it's ridiculous, isn't it!
NP: Kenneth! We've come here principally to play Just A Minute as well as be entertaining. You're always entertaining but we've got to keep to the rules of Just A Minute. So Derek has a correct challenge and 34 seconds on starting now.
DN: The binary system is the basis of modern computer technology. And wanting to know more about it, I wrote away to the Open University at Milton Keynes and asked them to send me various pamphlets and books about the binary system which they most kindly did, free of charge. I was awfully delighted by it and then started to watch BBC...
NP: Clement Freud challenged.
NP: Yes I would agree Clement so you have 17 seconds to talk on the binary system starting now.
CF: In tertiary education the binary system is the name given to universities and polytechnics and their varying claims to have a grant and educate children of that age in their own specific way. I believe personally that it is right...
NP: Well a very difficult subject on which to talk, but they all achieved something on, in that round and it is also the last round in the show this week alas. Clement Freud was speaking as the whistle went, gained an extra point, and he's edged forward. Let me give you the final score, it was a very close-run thing, the four regulars, four most experienced players of the game, and they compete with tremendous panache and style and aggression on occasions. But they give us great value in between. Peter Jones finished in fourth place, just behind Kenneth Williams, just behind Derek Nimmo, who was only two points behind this week's winner, Clement Freud! So we hope you've enjoyed the show this week and enjoyed hearing our four regulars pit their wits and verbal ingenuity against each other in such tremendous style. Until we all play Just A Minute again, I'll say good-bye from all of us here, good-bye!
ANNOUNCER: The chairman of Just A Minute was Nicholas Parsons, the programme was devised by Ian Messiter and produced by Pete Atkin.