ANNOUNCER: We present Clement Freud, Peter Jones, Derek Nimmo and Kenneth Williams in Just A Minute. And as the Minute Waltz fades away, here to tell you about it is our chairman, Nicholas Parsons.

NICHOLAS PARSONS: Thank you, thank you very much, hello, and welcome to Just A Minute. If the recording sounds a little rough, don't adjust your radio because it's only because I've got a stinking cold. But I hope that won't interfere with the fun and games. So we welcome our four regular and keen players of the game. They will try and talk, they will try and speak a lot without hesitation, without repetition and without deviating from the subject I will give them. And we start the show with Peter Jones. And Peter the subject is fun and games. Will you tell us something about that in Just A Minute starting now.

PETER JONES: Yes I remember them quite vividly. I used to go to parties when I was a small boy. There were lots of little girls smelling of lavender and soap. And there were jellies and ice cream and people playing "here we come gathering nuts in May". And musical chairs, the pianist pumping away like mad, all rushing around with balloons bursting and grownups trying to keep people from fighting each other, all grappling with these small children. And then there were the other people, the conjurers...


NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CLEMENT FREUD: Two lots of people.

NP: Yes I'm afraid you mentioned people before Peter. So that's a correct challenge Clement and you take over the subject having gained a point for that correct challenge. There are 31 seconds left starting now.

CF: I don't have a lot of fun and games though I do go to the occasional memorial service for friends. And yet now and then in the House of Commons in the late evenings or the early afternoons some honourable gentleman will blow his nose, pull his ear, or possibly put his fingers through what remains of his hair and say "do you recall...


NP: Well Clement Freud's hilarious fun and games kept him going till the whistle went which tells us that 60 seconds are up. And as you know whoever speaks at that moment gains an extra point. Clement Freud has two points at the end of the first round and the others have yet to score. So we'll move now to Kenneth Williams. Kenneth the subject is the spirit of independence in me. So will you tell us something about that in Just A Minute starting now.

KENNETH WILLIAMS: It could probably be equated with a John Stuart Mill definition of a negative concept of liberty, ie that ability to sit on your rump and do nothing if you so choose. Surely one of the last bastions left in Western culture which we should defend! And that is the spirit of independence which dwells within me and which I would always ...


NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Repetition of which.

NP: Yes you... That's what we call a tough challenge.

PJ: Is it? Why do you call it a tough challenge? Because I make it?

NP: No, no, only because sometimes one's generous and overlooks such words...

PJ: Are you implying I'm not generous to Kenneth Williams?

NP: Well I don't know what you do in your private life Peter. But here in the game we all play to win and it is a perfectly correct challenge. So you have a point for that and you take over the subject. There are 29 seconds left, the spirit of independence in me, starting now.

PJ: Well I'm taking that to mean the spirit of independence in Nicholas Parsons, as he sits there as chairman of this game...


NP: Kenneth Williams.

KW: The subject on the card is the spirit of independence in me, and he said he's taking it to be the spirit of independence in you. So therefore he's deviating.

NP: No he didn't say that. He said he took it to be the spirit of independence in Nicholas Parsons, because I said the spirit of independence in me and that could be a very accurate interpretation of the subject so he wasn't really deviating. So he keeps it and he has 22 seconds left starting now.

PJ: And as he sits there in his white polo sweater as if he has just come...


NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: Deviation. This is radio, we're not interested in visual description!

NP: Sometimes, not on this occasion but sometimes, visual descriptions are very necessary on radio! Especially when you get up to your antics and I have to describe to the listeners what you are doing. Otherwise they wouldn't know what was happening, would they? So he continues with 19 seconds left, the spirit of independence in me starting now.

PJ: As if he has just come back from the gym...


NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DEREK NIMMO: Deviation. There's no spirit of independence in Nicholas Parsons! As everyone knows he's totally ruled by his dear wife Denise and his lovely mother of 94 years who...

NP: As my mother nowhere near approaches that age. Radio is not the occasion to bring in personal references even if my family are in the audience and enjoying every word of what you're saying! They know that you're a wicked devil...

DN: The ambulance is waiting for your mother outside!

PJ: No, that's the ambulance that brought Nicholas!

NP: Well as I'm...

CF: I think it's very uncharitable to say she's nowhere near approaches that age!

NP: As I...

CF: Do you mean you don't want her to reach that age?

NP: We're going to get on with the programme now! There are 17 seconds left for the spirit of independence in me, with you Peter starting now.

PJ: And it is this spirit of independence in him which I believe in...


NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Repetition of which.

KW: Bravo! Well done! Brilliant! Brilliant!

NP: Hoisted by your own petard Peter! Right, Derek's got it this time, 12 seconds, the sopirit of independence in me, starting now.

DN: The spirit of independence in me is given to me by gin! I drink it with tonic, sometimes only with ice, and very occasionally with bitter lemon, embravened by this wonderful confection...


NP: Peter Jones challenged.

PJ: Embravened?

DN: I made it up as I went along!

PJ: Well, that I'll allow you!

NP: Yes...

PJ: But I mean, deviation!

NP: Deviation of correct English. So, according to Ian Messiter there's one fifth of a second left for the spirit of independence in me, with you Peter starting now.

PJ: Getting...


PJ: Well I didn't really want to go on with it!

NP: So the spirit of independence in me kept Peter Jones going, and a lot of challenges which were not correct. So he's now got a good lead at the end of the round. Clement Freud would you begin the next round please. And the subject is pretence. Will you tell us something about that in Just A Minute starting now.

CF: Pretence is something that no politician would know anything about. But I suppose reaching for an encyclopaedia or other reference book which many people who pursue politics have by their side, and searching among the letter P entries, one might well discover the meaning to be something to do with pretending to be what you are not. For instance, if I announced that I was Kenneth Williams and I sat uneasily on my chair, occasionally kissing the man sitting on my right on his left ear, then this could be a pretence. Something which I deplore personally. And pretence by definition basically is something else which I don't like. For instance, a man says you are losing your hair, when in fact I know where every single one has gone! I just happen to be bald! Now...


NP: So Clement Freud started with the difficult subject I think of pretence, kept going magnificently until the whistle went. So he not only gets a point for speaking then, but an extra point for not being challenged at any time. He's still one point behind our leader, not still, he's now one point behind our leader Peter Jones. Derek Nimmo, your turn to begin, and the subject is frogs legs. will you tell us something about those in Just A Minute starting now.

DN: I remember sitting on the beach at San Tropez and seeing the beautiful Bridget Bardot walking towards me, and I thought what a wonderful pair of leigon de delaoiu she was sporting. And then I walked up to her and said "madam" or miss I should probably have said, I don't think she was married at the time. I don't think she was, now I come to think about it. Then she wandered down on to the Quayside, arm in arm, not with me but I said arm twice...

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: Well arms twice I'm afraid.

NP: Yes. Arm in arm, frogs legs is now with you Kenneth and there are 35 seconds left starting now.

KW: You can't order one of these in a restaurant. Otherwise the RSPCA would be down on you for having limping frogs going round! I often eat them myself! I think they're awful! The idea of oysters and lizards and all that they serve up in these foreign places...


NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Deviation.

NP: Why?

CF: They don't serve up lizards in places!

PJ: Not under that name!

NP: No well I...

DN: Mr Chairman I've had lizard in Bangkok actually. It's lovely grilled...

KW: I said, I said, it was served up in these foreign places!

DN: Absolutely right! Grilled, mounted....

NP: I do think...

KW: Thank you very much Derek! It's very nice of you! It's not very often that I meet with that kind of co-operation on this show! Believe me!

DN: My pleasure Kenneth!

KW: I've been very, I've been very badly treated! I've come all the way from Great Portland Street in the pouring rain!

NP: And er, would you all like to settle the decisions amongst yourselves? Or shall I as chairman? No he wasn't technically deviating from the frogs legs and there are 19 seconds starting now.

KW: Their elasticity is well known! And they are capable of bounding six feet or in French, six kilometres at one...


NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Not six kilometres!

KW: Isn't that the equivalent to a foot?

NP: Kenneth...

DN: It's four miles! They can't bound four miles!

NP: Kenneth, I hate to have to show you up but a kilometre's actually five eighths of a mile!

KW: Oh I'm sorry!

NP: And so I agree with Derek's challenge. And I tell you Derek that you have eight and a half seconds starting now.

DN: I absolutely adore frogs legs. when one sits down in one's restaurant, puts the napkin round one's neck...


NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Three ones.

NP: Yes there were. There are four seconds left, no, three seconds left, frogs legs with you Clement starting now.

CF: They do tend to be dipped in flour drenched with salt...


NP: At the end of that round Clement Freud got the extra point for speaking when the whistle went. He's now gone ahead of Peter Jones, just one ahead. And he's in second place and Derek Nimmo and Kenneth Williams are equal in third place. And Peter Jones your turn to begin, and the subject: magic. Will you tell us something about that in Just A Minute starting now.

PJ: I can remember so terribly well one of my favourite uncles who put a walnut in his right hand and then appeared to make it pass into his left. Then he raised his hand up above his head...


NP: Kenneth Williams challenged.

KW: Two hands.

NP: I'm afraid there were two hands. I'm afraid it's rather difficult to do any conjuring trick without it, isn't it?

PJ: Yes it is really yes yes.

NP: But it was a correct challenge, you mustn't repeat in Just A Minute...

PJ: I wonder if this game is really the vehicle for some of my stories!

NP: Well all I can say with great sincerity Peter, it's remarks like that that make the game completely worthwhile! Kenneth you have 50 seconds to talk about magic starting now.

KW: One of the great originators of the art of publicly displaying magic was of course Robert Houdin who in the 16th century invented the vanishing bird cage trick and the theatre matinee, may he rot and perish! And of course Houdini...


NP: Clement Freud.

CF: Repetition of of course.

NP: I'm sorry Kenneth...

KW: I never said it!

CF: You did.

NP: You did say it.

DN: One of the greatest exponents was of course Houdini.

KW: Did I say it? Do you know, do you know that completely escaped my memory!

NP: Clement did have a correct challenge and he has 28 seconds with magic starting now.

CF: One of my favourite tricks is called the disappearing chairman. You play Just A Minute and...


NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Hesitation.

NP: Yes. Why, why are you so stunned?

CF: I went on talking while the audience made a noise...

KW: A hesitation.

CF: They...

KW: They were ejaculating!

NP: Well um they were making a noise, I didn't hear them. I didn't hear you talking. I will, all right...

CF: I don't know why you should come on to a programme and say you've lost your voice, and then give every indication that you are deaf!

NP: Wait till they discover that I'm also blind! I will be generous, I'll be fair, I'm sorry, I'll put it to the audience. If you think that Clement Freud hesitated, then you will cheer for Derek Nimmo, and if you think he didn't hesitate, you will boo for him and all do it together now.


NP: They decided that you didn't hesitate Clement so you still have the subject, a point for an incorrect challenge and 20 seconds on magic starting now.

CF: You appear on the stage with a napkin in one hand and a serviette grasped between the five fingers of the other. And waving it above your head you then with a series of intonations such as "hoopla" or "abracadabra" manage to make the first...


NP:Well needless to say Clement Freud has increased his lead at the end of that round, because he achieved quite a lot of success with the subject. Kenneth Williams it's your turn to begin. The subject is Stonehenge. Will you tell us something about that in Just A Minute starting now.

KW: One of the most notable ancient monuments in Great Britain. And its name derives from that old Saxon word, Hengen, which means hanging up. This is a reference to the lentil tone. I am anxious that you should understand my diction in this respect! And it has been maintained by many authoritative sources that Stonehenge itself is a massive astronomical plot! And that the rays of the sun lighting as they do with its beams twinged, no not twinged...


KW: I'm being put off here!

NP: You were quite right Kenneth, you were being put off by of all people Clement Freud who doesn't usually play that way! But you kept going magnificently in spite of all that. So Peter Jones challenged. Peter?

PJ: Well he did repeat.

NP: Yes he did...

PJ: Repeat.

NP: Can you...

KW: Come on, say the word! What are you trying to say here?

PJ: He did, and he was...

KW: Get it out! Get it out! Come on! Get out!

NP: I know what he repeated but can you still remember?

PJ: Well he repeated a word!

NP: Yes!

PJ: I don't believe you can remember it! That's why...

NP: He repeated twinges.

PJ: ... you're asking me!

NP: He repeated twinges.

PJ: He repeated another word as well.

NP: But you still didn't say what it was. He repeated twinges but you didn't remember it so Kenneth therefore keeps the subject and there are 12 seconds left starting now.

KW: Excavations have proved that...


NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Repetition of proved.

NP: Yes you did prove something quite before.

KW: Thank you! A very good listener you are Derek! Very good!

NP: There are 11 seconds left for the subject Stonehenge and we're with you Derek starting now.

DN: What fascinates me is the heelstone. The legend is that one day the devil saw an old monk watching him at his evil work and then threw this fine religious fellow up into the air, landed down...


NP: Well the sitaution scorewise now is that Derek Nimmo is at last moving forward. He[s still in fourth place. He[s one point behind Peter Jones and Kenneth Williams, who are about halfway behind in points Clement Freud, our leader. Clement it[s your turn to begin and the subject is my most absurd uncle. will you tell us something about him in Just A Minute starting now.

CF: Well unlike Nicholas Parsons who has a fine healthy 94-year old mother, I have no uncles, not anywhere at all. And as they say, or used to in Latin, dae mortuis dil nisi bonem, speak no ill of the dead, or perhaps translated literally nothing but good should be spoken of those who have passed on. I think it would be very wrong if I now gave...


NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: He[s obviously not going to speak about his most absurd uncle so he might as well pack up now!

NP: Well I think he was making a very good case of why he hadn[t got an absurd uncle to talk about, but he wasn[t to my mind really deviating from the subject.

DN: Oh really?

NP: No I think he was going quite well. And I would like to point out before any more references are made most sincerely...

DN: No you are not...

NP: ... my mother is a very sprightly 80-year old and she is a great fan of Just A Minute and she wants to love these four fellows...

DN: She listens a lot!

NP: And she gets very upset when she makes these remarks!

CF: Reading from your script, are we?

NP: My most absurd uncle, that is my script here, though in deference to...

PJ: I've never mentioned your mother on this programme!

NP: I know! That's why she loves you best of all!

PJ: And as far as I know no-one has ever mentioned your father, probably for a very good reason!

NP: All I can say Peter is the man who lives with my mother who I call father would be very upset to hear you say that! Clement Freud you have 31 seconds to continue on my most absurd uncle starting now.

CF: It does however occur to me that in 1949 I acquired a sort of honorary uncle who although not closely related to me nevertheless assumed the position of being in a state of marriage to an aunt who was not in fact either the sister of my father or a brothers wife of my mother. As a result we went through a relationship which included going to Home Park and watching Plymouth Argyll play football which at that time they did with grace and skill...


NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Watching a football match is not a relationship! He said we went through a relationship which included going to the football match.

CF: That's a relationship.

NP: Well I think it's a relationship. I mean a kind uncle takes you to a football match....

CF: Especially if you stand as close as we had to at Home Park!

NP: Don't make it devious in a different way Clement...

CF: I know!

NP: I'm agreeing with you, one fifth of a second, starting now.

CF: Unt!


NP: You were so quick that Ian Messiter couldn't get his whistle in his mouth and nearly swallowed it in a mess! He's now on the magic number of 13, Clement Freud, and you can imagine he's still our leader. Derek Nimmo it's your turn to begin and the subject is custard pies. Will you tell us something about those in Just A Minute starting now.

DN: Custard pies used to be thrown regularly to me by my most absurd uncle, Ronald Kershaw Sudbury Hardy. He had this extraordinary fetish about custard pies because he'd once met Nicholas Parsons' mother at a party where they apparently had had a lot of fun and games. And one of the things that this dear lady had done to this chap that I was telling you about was to throw an aforementioned custard pie smack into his old mush! As they used to say out in Alaska when they were talking to those old wolves...


NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: He said as they used to say twice.

NP: Yes and he's also utterly devious because he's got nothing to do with what he was saying. So Peter I'm delighted to be able to hand over the subject to you and tell you that you have 31 seconds on custard pies starting now.

PJ: Well custard pies as they're generally known, the ones that used to appear in old silent films were not actually made of custard, nor were they technically pies. They were tarts and they were filled with...


NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: I don't think we want to talk about tarts on this sort of programme!

NP: Maybe not the kind of tarts that you had in mind! But, but Peter Jones to my mind was referring to quite a different kind of tart!

CF: He has a much better class of tart in mind!

NP: One that's been baked in the oven! And there's nothing to touch that! Peter an incorrect challenge! So you keep the subject of custard pies and there are 18 seconds left starting now.

PJ: And as I said they were filled with this toilet preparation...


NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: Well by his own, by his own, by his own admission, he said, so it's repetition.

NP: No he didn't repeat the word...

KW: He said as I said!

NP: I know! Because he was getting back to the subject but he did not repeat the words...

KW: He said filled twice, filled twice, repetition of filled.

NP: Now listen! I'm going to be fair. Clement Freud gave you the tip....

KW: Oh come off it! Do you think I can't, do you think I'm deaf! Do you think I'm as bad as you are! You're the one that's suffering from influenza dear!

PJ: I was trying to pick up the thread in the interests of the listeners who I thought...

NP: No it's all right Peter I'm with you, don't worry! The point is...

PJ: I am worried if you're with me!

NP: Oh what a partisan audience we have!

PJ: Because that's when the chopper falls!

NP: Right! Peter still keeps the subject and there are 13, sorry 16 seconds left for custard pies starting now.

PJ: And so when they were thrown sometimes from Laurel to Hardy or vice versa, this stuff didn't really make the effect on the clothes that one would imagine. Because they could easily be cleaned. It was wiped off. They started again. They got a new lot...


NP: Well that factual description of custard pies from Peter Jones kept him going, an extra one point for speaking as the whistle went and he has moved forward ahead of Derek Nimmo and Kenneth Williams and now only four points behind our leader Clement Freud. And Peter we're back with you to start and the subject is what the last contestant said. That's a very apt subject to come up now as it was you who was talking! So can you take the subject, what the last contestant said, Just A Minute, starting now.

PJ: Well I actually said that these custard pies were tarts and were filled with shaving cream. And they were thrown from Laurel to Hardy and vice versa. And what a pleasure it is to be able to repeat something without actually...


NP: Derek Nimmo's challenged.

DN: Don't you think the listeners will think the needle's stuck if he goes on?

NP: They may think that! But I don't think they will. What was your challenge?

DN: Oh well never mind, never mind! No I just thought out of my wits we ought to try to make the show more entertaining. That's okay, never mind, we'll do it again! It's just...

NP: I thought Peter Jones was making an excellent job of that Derek so we'll leave the subject with him. It was a wrong challenge and there are 45 seconds left, what the last contestant said, starting now.

PJ: And then Derek Nimmo made a rather lame interruption about all this business of repeating what I had said before you see. And saying that the needle may...


NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Repetition of repeating.

NP: Yes I'm afraid that you did repeat repeat. And Clement Freud now has the subject...

PJ: I repeated repeating?

CF: Yes.

PJ: I see.

NP: Yes I think so. And Clement there are 36 seconds what the last contestant said starting now.

CF: What the last contestant said shortly before saying "I repeated repeating" was that the custard pie was filled with shaving cream and tossed from Laurel to Hardy or vice versa. It seemed to me astonishingly boring especially as it was repeated almost immediately by Derek Nimmo who also...


NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Repetition of repeated.

NP: No I've got to be fair, he said repeat and then repeating and then repeated. I was listening very carefully because I know these things come up.

PJ: Yes quite! I think it's wise to listen if you're a chairman. I think you ought to keep, you know, I think very wise there, I can't fault that actually as a policy!

NP: And it's very wise to be as witty as you are if you're a panelist! And I...

PJ: Quite! Quite!

NP: But Clement Freud keeps the subject, 14 seconds, what the last contestant said, starting now.

CF: Just prior to quite, he explained that it was wise to listen if you were the chairman because it was pretty pointless, by and large, to assume office of that kind, if you're not prepared to do the work or prepare...


NP: Well Clement Freud just kept going until the whistle went because he repeated on the whistle and he wasn't caught for that. So now we come to the end of the contest and let me give you the final score. Derek Nimmo finished in fourth place. He contributed his usual good value to the programme but he was one point behind Kenneth Williams. Kenneth was five behind Peter Jones who was in sparkling form. But he never quite caught up with our leader who is once again our winner, Clement Freud. We do hope that you have enjoyed this edition of Just A Minute and will want to tune in again when our four panelists and myself will take to the air and play Just A Minute. Until then from all of us, goodbye.


ANNOUNCER: The chairman of Just A Minute was Nicholas Parsons. The programme was devised by Ian Messiter and produced by John Browell.