JAM:KWilliams,DNimmo,CFreud,PJones
WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE!

starring KENNETH WILLIAMS, DEREK NIMMO, CLEMENT FREUD and PETER JONES, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 20 March 1979)


THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: We present Kenneth Williams, Peter Jones, Clement Freud and Derek Nimmo in Just A Minute. And as the Minute Waltz fades away here to tell you about it is our chairman Nicholas Parsons.

NICHOLAS PARSONS: Thank you very much, hello and welcome to Just A Minute. And once again as youíve heard we welcoem our four regular players of the game. And once more theyíre going to pit their wits and verbal dexterity against each other and see if they can win or gain points in the game. And as usual theyíre going to try and do it by speaking for Just A Minute on a subject I will give them without hesitation, without repetition and without deviating from the subject on the card. And Clement Freud your turn to begin. The subject is customs. Will you tell us something about those in Just A Minute starting now.

CLEMENT FREUD: Customs tend to be things through which you go, either the green channel or the red channel, when you have been...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DEREK NIMMO: Two channels.

NP: Iím afraid there were two channels yes.

CF: Right.

NP: And there are 52 and a half seconds for customs Derek with you starting now.

DN: Well as I came through today I had the most tremendous choice to make because I had to go to either the red or the green and because I was totally...

BUZZ

NP: Er Clement Freud?

CF: Red or green what?

DN: Weíve been talking about customs, havenít we? And channels. I wasnít going to repeat it, you knew perfectly well I was talking about red and green channels.

CF: Ah.

NP: Derek Nimmo you...

CF: Weíve just had channels, he said it twice!

NP: Derek you continue with the subject and there are 45 seconds left on customs starting now.

DN: In parts of South America they have very curious customs. When a young man becomes of age, he is sent out into the scrubland. And there he has to cut away at part of his skin which I shall not mention with a sharp knife. He then comes back into the tribal land and meets the girl that has been given to him and they go off and practice one of these curious customs out in the green grassy slope, and cover themselves with sand, paint mud all over their noses and cut off their right toenail. And this is the important thing about the customs. Because if they donít do that then the evil eye would be upon them. They would be torn apart by the witch doctor and thrown out forever away from the people that have brought them up...

WHISTLE

NP: Well Derek Nimmo has proved that heís traveled a lot and er also been in some strange places. Kenneth Williams your turn to begin, the subject is Omar Khiam and will you tell us something about him in Just A Minute starting now.

KENNETH WILLIAMS: Most of what England knows of Omar Khiam is of course the Rubiat, which comes by courtesy to us through the good work of Fitzgerald. How often these words reverberated through my mind! Myself when young did eagerly frequent and with askance foot steps, cards gathered on the grass, in my joyous errand reach the spot where I may once turn down and empty last. Oh moon of my delight that knows no way. Oh even to hear those again sends me into an ecstatic realm, and I think Omar Khiam, ah you old Persian nit, you were good when it came to writing the verse. Because in life he was completely misguided. And laid up for himself the most dreadful debts and was continually being asked...

WHISTLE

NP: So once again Kenneth Williams has achieved what almost seems impossible these days in Just A Minute, taking a subject and keeping going without being interrupted for one whole minute. So he gets a point for not speaking when the whistle went, sorry, for not speaking, for not er being interrupted and another one for speaking as the whistle went. Peter Jones, the subject is laser beams, will you take that one and have, do something in Just A Minute starting now.

PETER JONES: Yes well Iíll try and keep it as simple as I can. I donít want to blind you all with science! Laser beams are kind of straight and narrow rather like the path to paradise. And they are not diffuse, they donít get larger and spread out like the beams from normal lights. And with the use of them we shall soon I think, or within the next few years be able to get three dimensional television. And of course the mind boggles when I look at our chairman. And I visualise him in the centre of our sitting room holding forth with all those gifts and everything. And itís going to be solid Parsons, not just flat coloured...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Well he couldnít think of anything quite rude enough to say so he hesitated, so he hesitation.

NP: I donít know, I think he wasnít as rude as you.

DN: Well he stopped anyway.

NP: Yes he did hesitate actually Derek, there are 17 seconds, sorry 13 seconds on laser beams with you starting now.

DN: I went to a wonderful party where they showed laser beams at the Lyceum Ballroom of the first night of the musical Grease. And they were flashing around on the ceiling, and I hadnít actually witnessed them before. And I was so excited. The colours were all pale blue and thin and they wandered around...

WHISTLE

NP: Ah so Derek Nimmo has increased his lead at the end of that round, getting the extra point for speaking as the whistle went. And weíre with Derek to start. The subject Derek is prediction. Would you tell us something about that in Just A Minute starting now.

DN: Prediction, well this is the art of being able to forecast what is going to happen in the future... For instance...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: Hesitation.

NP: Yes I would agree Kenneth. There are 50 and one half seconds for prediction starting now.

KW: I went to this gypsy. She had this little kiosk on this pier you know. And I said how much and she said 30 shillings. That was the period of course before your actual decimalisation of money. And I did sat down there. She said youíll cross water. Well that could mean anything! I could be standing over a puddle! I mean what does it mean, this stuff, you see. Itís a load of old rubbish!

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Repetition of mean.

NP: Yes...

KW: Yes well I was rather mean!

NP: Twenty-nine seconds are left for you Clement to take over the subject of prediction starting now.

CF: Iíve never actually met anyone who predicted anything that was particularly true, although they do ask you for a fair amount of money. At political garden fetes the ladies of the parish do tend to dress up in scarves and black their faces and tell you that you are going to lose the next election. You then find out that they belong to another party! And it is invidious to have to pay that much to hear such awful news as I have tended to in the...

WHISTLE

NP: Clement Freud speaking as the whistle went gained the extra point. He is er in third place actually behind Kenneth Williams whoís still in second place behind Derek Nimmo and Peterís er behind them. And Clement Freud your turn to begin. The subject is pate starting now.

CF: Pate I seem to remember is a rather... hard bitten...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams...

KW: Hesitation.

NP: Yes I think so. There are 50 seconds for pate with you Kenneth starting now.

KW: This is made from meat which is all bashed into a sort of paste. And then you shove it on a bit of toast and eat it. If itís very nice you say afterwards to your host or of course the restaurateur depending upon your proclivities and circumstances, needless to say, "oh", you cry out, "well done! That met with all my taste buds welcome! Hahahahahahahah! Very amusing I think...

BUZZ

NP: Peter.... Derek Nimmo has challenged.

DN: Repetition of a lot of hahs.

NP: Yes, haha, right, 22 seconds for you Derek and the subject is pate starting now.

DN: My wife who is called Patricia is also known as Pattay to a lot of her friends and itís always...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud.

CF: Name two!

DN: Youíd like me to do that?

CF: They call her Pattay!

NP: Itís got to the stage where theyíre not just being rude to the chairman, theyíre being rude to each other!

CF: Each otherís wives!

NP: There are 17 seconds on pate with you Derek starting now.

DN: Iím never quite sure the difference between a pate and a sort of tureen de chef, but I like the pief very much which is made in Normandy...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Deviation.

NP: What was that for?

CF: Well tureen de chef would be a tureen made of the chef, not by the chef. Tureen du chef could well be what he had in mind!

NP: Iím sure...

DN: I was talking about the Cannibal Islands!

NP: Yes all right, Clement you have the correct challenge and there are 13 seconds, pate starting now.

CF: The nearest thing to a pate as being a tureen de chef that I had was a shepherds pie which was made from the real thing...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Well heís talking about the nearest thing to a pate and not a pate.

CF: Well thatís about a pate.

NP: Well he hasnít actually deviated from the subject, talking about...

KW: What are you talking about? Of course he deviated from the subject! What are you talking about? Shepherds pie!

PJ: Thatís nothing to do with...

KW: Shepherds pie!

PJ: It really is nothing to do with a pate!

KW: Can you imagine! Shepherds pie is like pate? Good gracious me! Have we all taken leave of our senses!

NP: He was comparing the two and making a point...

PJ: No he wasnít, he said Iíll say something about the nearest thing to a pate.

KW: The nearest thing!

NP: Well all right heís still talking about the subject...

PJ: Ask the audience! They know the difference between pate and er...

DN: Shepherds pie!

PJ: .... shepherds pie.

NP: Well apparently Clement Freud doesnít. Actually to my mind he was making the point that was the nearest he had got to it, so he was still on the subject, not strictly speaking deviating, so Clement six seconds on pate starting now.

CF: Itís quite important to put gelatin into pate because when itís cold it gets a marvelously firm...í

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo.

DN: Well he has now established that he does know what pate is. Thatís deviation. Itís important to put gelatin so he knows what a pate is, he knows itís not shepherds pie.

NP: Heíd established that in my mind before. He just...

DN: Well you shouldnít have given him the last point then, should you?

PJ: Thatís right! If he had said monosodiumglutonate itíd have been over by now!

NP: Clement you have one point, sorry you have one second and one point for the subject of pate starting now.

CF: Garlic, onion...

WHISTLE

NP: Well at the end of that round Derek Nimmo is still in the lead, Clement Freudís moved into second place, Kenneth is still in third place and Peter is still trailing a little. Kenneth your turn to begin and the subject is my reticence. Itís never been forthcoming on Just A Minute but would you try and tell us something about it, if it exists, starting now.

KW: This can be likened to the description which Virginia Woolf described as walking alone and liking it better. This is probably a good summing-up of my intense desire for privacy. And to thrust out the mundane world from my ken, so to speak. I demand and desire the re-created spirit to enter into me. How can I do that in this bustle and hustle of the modern world! No, therefore I must be reticent. This is why I can never bow, boldly go forth and boldly...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo has challenged.

DN: A trifle too bold.

NP: Yes! Quite the reverse of reticence! In fact he was, his demonstration was...

KW: Well you can see them all with their fingers poised Nick!

NP: I know!

KW: You know very well you are teetering on the brink of disaster, you see.

NP: Itís very difficult sitting there with those three lynxes...

KW: Lynxes! Theyíre like lynxes! Youíre right! Theyíre like a load of lynxes! Horrible!

NP: Itís all very well to keep going in Just A Minute but when youíve got three of them! Ah Derek you have 17 seconds for my reticence starting now.

DN: As a child I was painfully shy. I used to stutter a great deal and hide in the corner so people would not see me. And this reticence has remained with me right into my adult life. Now whenever I can I wander down the street with a sack over my head so no-body can actually witness the unfortunate...

WHISTLE

NP: So next time you see Derek Nimmo walking down the street with a sack over his head please donít think itís the guy, weíre near Guy Fawkes. But it is our one and only Derek Nimmo who always goes about dressed like that. And weíve come to the end of our contest, such as it was. Peter Jones, who won just a week or two...

DN: No we havenít! Weíve only been going for about 10 minutes! Heís finally gone nanas! Itíll make it easier to play...

NP: Iím sorry! The idea of Derek Nimmo walking down the street with a sack over his head completely threw me! I was about to wind up and Iíve been told we have more time to play the game! How exciting!

DN: Shall we play Just Half A Minute instead!

NP: Peter Jones your turn to begin, my greatest pleasure. Not seeing Derek Nimmo with a sack over his head! Would you talk on that in Just A Minute starting now.

PJ: Well for some years now Iíve been sharing my greatest pleasure with about 39 other people. And I doubt if they will ever reveal what it is. But I am in a position to tell you that by joining this rambling club of ours, we do happen to enjoy one of the most invigorating soothing refreshing occupations or hobbies or relaxations itís possible to find. Walking in the country with the fresh air, sun shining, and the feeling of freedom. Away from the smell of petrol and mono er...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Hesitation.

NP: Yes Iím afraid so, all those smells and he started to dry. There are 23 seconds, my greatest pleasure Clement starting now.

CF: My greatest pleasure is to find words like monosodiumglutonate or antidisestablishmentarianism which in a game like Just A Minute takes so much more time than would similar words with fewer syllables or less letters to compose them. Any my greatest pleasure today is to look at the ...

WHISTLE

NP: So Clement Freud speaking as the whistle went gained the extra point. Heís moving forward, catching up our leader Derek Nimmo. And Derekís going to begin the next round and the subject is mash. Will you tell us something about that in Just A Minute, Derek, starting now.

DN: A mash, a bow, a dandy, a macaroni. A term used in the 18th century for somebody who dressed superbly well and had an elegant style to his outward appearance. Perhaps within him he was not quite such an attractive person. Itís also used for potatoes...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: No thatís a masher heís talking about.

NP: No youíre quite right Peter, yes. A good point and a good point won and youíve now started on the trail. Youíve got one point and youíll catch up with Derek Nimmo and you have 43 seconds to take over the subject of mash starting now.

PJ: Apart from being an excellent television programme, produced regrettably in America, I mean from the pointb of view of our own industry, it is really amusing, satirical and have a lot to say about life. Now this business with potatoes, thatís what Iím more interested in at the moment because it accompanies sausages. Itís a traditional companion of the stuffed pork. And it goes very well with a number of other things if you make a nice er sauce or...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged again.

DN: He stopped again!

NP: Yes he did. He couldnít find the sauce for his mash! Nine seconds on mash with you Derek starting now.

DN: One can mash all manner of things. Particularly I like turnips, squeeze them down, crunch them up, put a little salt and pepper with them, cook them, and they are absolutely delicious. And...

WHISTLE

NP: Well Derek Nimmo increased his lead at the end of that round. Clement Freud would you begin the next round. The subject is Tolstoy. Would you tell us something about him in Just A Minute starting now.

DN: Tolstoy of course was tremendously fond of mash. He wrote a book called War and Peas which dealt predominantly with vegetables which were put through a puree or mixer and shepherds...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: Deviation, he wrote no such book.

NP: No youíre quite right. Kenneth you take over the subject of Tolstoy, there are 48 seconds left starting now.

KW: The thing that remains in your head having read say Henri Toyer on Tolstoy is the extraordinary cruelty to his poor wife of his, who would say "whereís the housekeeping money?" And there he was, hair raising schemes he was planning all over the estate and not bothering to put within her grasp the wherewithal to feed the children and to clothe people, keep a roof, so to speak, securely over your head. It drove her to distraction. She did indeed run to a railway station and put herself in the way of an oncoming train. He used this material in Karenina in a fictional setting. And a lot of people would say "how cruel, a man...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Cruel, repetition.

NP: Yes.

KW: Well itís deservedly cruel isnít it.

NP: Yes.

KW: I mean, it deserves repeating donít it. I mean itís an interesting point. You canít keep on playing games. You want to have a word really! Yes donít you! Do you feel that? Yes I feel that! You want to get something out every now and again instead of keeping on being interrupted.

NP: You get an awful lot out in every round that you speak Kenneth. Tremendous value!

KW: I never know, you never know with him, do you!

NP: Right Derek, there are eight seconds on Tolstoy starting now.

DN: Count Tolstoy was my sonís er English master...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud.

CF: Hesitation.

NP: Yes, five seconds are left for Tolstoy starting now.

CF: Itís very sad that Tolstoy never won any literary prizes such as Bernice Rubinís...

WHISTLE

NP: Well Clement Freud is catching up on Derek Nimmo who is still in the lead. Kenneth Williams is in third place, Peter Jones in fourth place. And Kenneth your turn to begin and the subject is fish. Tell us something about that in Just A Minute starting now.

KW: Fish, fly replete in death of June,

dawdling away their watery noon

and in their heaven of all their wish

there shall be no more land say fish!

I often think of those lines when this subject is drawn to my attention. Theyíre very beautiful of course. You ignoramuses wouldnít know who wrote them. But I have a memory like a file index when it comes to those sort of matters. Yes I can see your face querying, aaaaaaaah! But donít worry, Iím not going to be put off, yes heís doing funny faces, look at him...

BUZZ

KW: Iím not going to give in...

NP: No, Derek Nimmoís challenged you actually.

DN: Repetition of face.

NP: Yes he repeated face...

KW: The pair of you were deliberately trying to upset me!

PJ: You insulted us! You said we were ignoramuses!

KW: You deserve to be insulted! Because neither of you can tell me the author! Can you! Can you!

PJ: Author of what?

KW: The poem Iíve just recited for you! Eh!

PJ: Thatís poetry?

KW: When the authorís name is revealed youíre going to be very much ashamed!

NP: It doesnít mean to say youíre ignorant just because you donít know something.

CF: Well it helps towards it!

PJ: Well I donít know who the author was but he wouldnít thank you for that delivery!

KW: On the contrary, I was complimented by a group of professional readers on that, and it is of course by Rupert Brooke. And they said to me "youíve got a feeling for Rupert, thatís one thing we can say!" You see, I definitely have the feel, the metrical feel for the stretch, do you understand what I mean?

NP: No!

PJ: Did he like the way you read it?

KW: He adored it!Well could he, could he have been there, yes.

PJ: Ah! Ah!

NP: Ah! Yes!

KW: Well I havenít got a crystal ball have I?

PJ: I donít know what your... proclivities are!

NP: Itís all coming back to you with a vengeance! So let us get back to Just A Minute if we can. Derek Nimmo a long while ago challenged and er he was a correct challenge so he takes over the subject of fish and now heís going to prove that he isnít as ignorant as Kenneth Williams accused. Donít they get down to basics in this show? Twenty-five seconds to go on fish Derek starting now.

DN: It was WG Fields I think who made that lovely remark that heíd never drink water because fish made love in it. He didnít quite say that but it was something rather similar. Because I like fishing a great deal. And I was recently in New Zealand and I went to a place called the Huka Falls. And there was rainbow trout such as you would not believe. And the water was pouring...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: Deviation, he says you would not believe. Well now I would because I think itís fascinating. I got so engrossed to me, you know, I got so worked up. I got so interested so fascinated by his words that I would believe!

NP: But he was using a figure of speech.

KW: Oh I see!

NP: Yes! And I think therefore he wasnít deviating from the subject! So Derek you have fish still and nine seconds left starting now.

DN: Particularly I like the lips of the jewfish. This is a very lovely creature which is found in warm pacific waters. And if you cut away at the...

WHISTLE

NP: So Derek Nimmo was speaking as the whistle went and he gained that extra point. He increased his lead and Peter Jones your turn to begin and the subject is panic. A thing that sets in quite frequently in Just A Minute when things are getting tense. But will you talk on the subject for 60 seconds if you can starting now.

PJ: The worst thing about panic is that itís catching. And other people er get it you know...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams.


KW: Deviation, it isnít true!

NP: Well it can be true.

KW: On the contrary, Iíve sat in the middle of dreadful occurrences, eating my soup or drinking my tea and I havenít er panicked at all.

CF: Well if itís catching then other people would get it.

KW: Precisely!

NP: Yes!

CF: I mean I agree with that part.

NP: Yes and therefore he wasnít deviating from the subject on the card. So itís an incorrect challenge, he keeps the subject, there are 53...

KW: Well anyway, itís an insult Iíll have to swallow!

NP: There are 54 seconds Peter on panic starting now.

PJ: Well my advice to anybody who feels panic setting in is to try very hard to keep it to themselves and think calmly of a way out of the situation in which they unfortunately find themselves. Otherwise as I say the people near them will become panic stricken, and then beyond them other wider circles of persons and other human beings who are in the...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: Well itís just going on and on, boring rubbish about wider circles. In fact Iíve never heard such nonsense in my life!

NP: He did hesitate didnít he?

KW: Yes of course! People were dropping off!

NP: Well of course, yes so there are 29 seconds left for panic with you Kenneth starting now.

KW: The word describes those conditions which the God Pan can set in motion. And it is well to remember its etymology because why does Pan get these...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Repetition of Pan.

NP: Clement you have a correct challenge and 15 seconds, panic, starting now.

CF: I once went to a cinema when fire broke out....

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Well he must have been crazy! Why should he go.... Itís like that man, the landlord complained that heíd set fire to the bed and he defended himself by saying "nonsense, the bed was on fire when I got into it!"

NP: And now we know why he is so short of hair! Peter so um, I donít know how to deal...

PJ: Deviation is the challenge!

NP: Deviation is it?

PJ: Yes!

NP: Yes, I think you deserve it!

CF: I think he deserves it!

NP: Yes, 12 seconds on panic starting now.

PJ: I can recall one of the worst moments of panic that Iíve ever experienced in a long life of being hideously frightened. And this was during the war. I wonít tell you the...

WHISTLE

NP: Iíve just received that we have no more time to play Just A Minute. Peter Jones who trailed for a time, came with a flourish towards the end and did come in a very comfortable fourth place. But only a little way behind Kenneth Williams who gave such value, and Clement Freud who contributed so much. But they were all quite a few points behind this weekís winner who was Derek Nimmo. We do hope that youíve enjoyed listening to Just A Minute, goodbye.

THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: The chairman of Just A Minute was Nicholas Parsons, the programme was devised by Ian Messiter and produced by David Hatch.