ANNOUNCER: We present Kenneth Williams, Peter Jones, Clement Freud and Derek Nimmo in Just A Minute. And as the Minute Waltz fades away here to tell you about it is our chairman Nicholas Parsons.

NICHOLAS PARSONS: Thank you, thank you very much. Hello and welcome to Just A Minute. And alas this is going to be the last show in our present series. And we have our four regulars, are going to compete and bring this series to the climax I'm sure that they can achieve. And once again I will ask them to speak if they can on the subject that I will give them, and they will try and do that as usual without hesitation, without repetition, and without deviating from the subject on the card. And we'll begin the show with Derek Nimmo. Derek the subject is things of mine refused by garbage collectors. You want to make a note of it, all right. So that's the subject to start this last ah series, last show in the series, and you have 60 seconds beginning now.

DEREK NIMMO: I rather like having subjects like the things of mine refused by garbage collectors, because you are allowed to repeat that line, the things of mine refused by garbage collectors. And if you get a long question like this, it occupies most of the minute you are trying to speak. Now some of the things of mine that have been refused by garbage collectors include an old crow's nest, garden refuse, cast wheels, rabbit hutches...


NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CLEMENT FREUD: Hesitation.

DN: Hesitation?

NP: Hesitation? It was a good try but entirely unfounded.

CF: Oh was it?

NP: I'm sorry Clement, and Derek you keep the subject and you have 37 seconds starting now.

DN: One of the things of mine that was refused by garbage collectors was an old pair of knickers that had once belonged to Mrs Nicholas Parsons, that I had been given for Christmas in 1952. And quite rightly, when they came round, they absolutely were totally adamant and refused to take this away. I complained to the council about it...


NP: Kenneth Williams.

KENNETH WILLIAMS: Deviation, this is disgraceful!

NP: It is, isn't it!

KW: I happen to know the lady in question, she wouldn't give him an old pair of hers anyway! I think the whole thing is devious!

NP: Kenneth I agree about the deviation and you have a point for a correct challenge and you take over the subject of things of mine refused by garbage collectors, 19 seconds starting now.

KW: Nobody in England could have had anything refused by garbage collectors, because they're not called that over here. In fact it's a mistake to have it on the card at all. But I did have trouble in getting rid of a bedstead. I pointed out that it could have been refurbished, made very nice, you know, hot stuff. And I said you could make a bob or two...


NP: When Ian Messiter blows his whistle, it tells us that 60 seconds are up. And whoever is speaking at that moment gains an extra point. It was of course Kenneth Williams and I think you've probably worked out, he's in the lead at the end of the round. Clement will you take the next round, the subject, the cocktail. Will you tell us something about that in the game starting now.

CF: In the country in the long winter afternoons, hens gather around to listen to the cock tale. All sorts of chickens of all varieties meet and sit and perch on straw and hay and corn. And along comes the male of the species and says...


NP: Ah Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Deviation, he said it was winter and they couldn't be sitting on the corn in winter.

NP: Why not?

DN: Well it wouldn't be growing, would it.

NP: They, corn could have been thrown on the ground by the farmer to feed them.

DN: Oh I see, oh all right, yes.

NP: He's not technically deviating, though it was a good attempt. Clement there's 41 seconds on the cocktail starting now.

CF: You can also mix almost any quantity of drink, whether it be spirituous, vinous, or reinforced. And the resultant liquor poured into a glass, cooled, sometimes with froth added, is known as a cocktail. And many barmen in hotels and restaurants throughout the world have reached fame and fortune by inventing their own concoction. Campari, vermouth, romanof, cherry and peanut have all become part of such delicacy...


NP: Ah Peter Jones challenged.

PETER JONES: Ah peanut hasn't.

NP: I don't know, I quite agree. Peanut cocktail, I quite agree, I think...

DN: Oh yes.

NP: Is there?

DN: Oh yes, peanut colada. Very good.

PJ: Really?

NP: So I agree with your challenge Peter, you have six seconds on the cocktail starting now.

PJ: I think by far the best cocktail is the dry martini. That is four parts of gin, or possibly vodka...


NP: Well Peter Jones was speaking as the whistle point, he gained the extra point. And now he's equal in the lead with Kenneth Williams. And Peter would you begin the next round, the subject, losing money in a telephone box. Starting now.

PJ: Well it's one of the most frustrating ways of losing money that I know. Because unless you write to the people, or they take your name and address, oh, the operator, then you can't get your money back. And this does seem to be very unfair. Now if...


NP: Kenneth Williams challenged.

KW: Deviation, he's telling the audience something that's utterly not true. You simply get the operator and say that you've lost your money, she gets you the call free. I mean it's rubbish to say...

NP: But you can't actually get your money back! That's what he said.

KW: You don't want your money back, you want your call, don't you.

NP: Yes but you may not get your call, then you still can't get your money back.

KW: Well anyway I should have the subject. He was very dreary about it and I think...

NP: I know he was dreary, I don't think he was actually deviating. So Peter...

PJ: Well I, I admit to being dreary, but that's never been any hindrance on this game! As Kenneth Williams has proved time and again!

NP: Peter you still have the subject and there are 43 seconds on losing money in a telephone box starting now.

PJ: There are some people whose only source of income is going round...


NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Repetition of people.

NP: Yes I'm afraid you mentioned people before.

PJ: Oh I did yes yes.

NP: So Clement you have the subject with 41 seconds on losing money in a telephone box starting now.

CF: The very easiest way to lose money in a telephone box is to have a hole in your pocket and a track in the floor of the aforementioned telephone box. That way you will never get it back and 10P pieces will have...


NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: What kind of advice is this? From a Member of Parliament! Advising us how best we can lose money! Good gracious, it's dangerous!

NP: So what is your challenge?

KW: Deviation!

PJ: Deviation!

NP: Yes...

KW: Yes he's right! I mean he's right yes.

NP: But I mean he still wasn't deviating from the subject. So Clement you still have the subject with 27 seconds starting now.

CF: I knew of a woman who was so determined not to lose money in a phone box, that she had coins from all sorts of foreign countries which she bombarded into the slot that was provided for that purpose. And when the operator said "will you now put your cash into the allocated portion of the machinery", she started bombarding...


NP: Kenneth challenged.

KW: Well we had bombarding before.

CF: No we had bombarded, not bombarding.

KW: In any case there were an awful lot of repetitions, and an awful lot of rubbish was talked. I mean I don't...

NP: And an awful lot of wriggling out if tight situations.

KW: Yes.

NP: No you're right, actually he did say bombarded, and now he's saying bombarding.

KW: That's right.

NP: Yes. Oh dear, he's very

PJ: So it's really a repetition of bombard!

KW: Exactly.

NP: That's right yes. It has to be the whole word in Just A Minute I'm afraid.

PJ: I know it is, yes.

NP: Three seconds...

PJ: Two out of three's not bad!

NP: Three seconds with you Clement starting now.

CF: I shall write to the authorities and inform them of the facts...


NP: So Clement Freud was speaking on that occasion as the whistle went, gained the extra point, and he has now taken the lead. Derek Nimmo, your turn to begin, the subject, citizen's band radio. Can you tell us something about that in the game starting now.

DN: Well I can tell very little about citizen's band radio because I'm not very interested in it. And I think it's an extraordinarily boring idea. Why should you want to converse with other people in neighbouring motor cars when you're driving along the highway? It seems to be totally pointless! And they call each other with names like Rubber Duck and Nellie Wellie. And then you have to pay money to join the thing. Now it's licensable, of course nobody's interested any more. When it was illegal there was a certain danger and excitement about it. And that's why people presumably had this citizen's band radio. But goodness gracious me...


NP: Peter Jones challenged.

PJ: Repetition of people.

NP: Yes I'm afraid there was. He was going at such a pace, he was doing magnificently. I don't know how you were going to keep it up Derek.

DN: Well I would have done if you hadn't buzzed me.

NP: Peter you have a correct challenge, 33 seconds are left for citizen's band radio starting now.

PJ: Well I agree with Derek Nimmo that it as an unnecessary addition to one's list of electronic gadgets. And I think like the electric carving knife, the toothbrush, and other things...


NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: No I think an electric carving knife is absolutely essential.

NP: I don't mind what you think, he wasn't deviating from the subject.

DN: Oh right, never mind.

PJ: It's not, if you're a vegetarian as I am! Quite unnecessary!

NP: No he's entitled to express...

PJ: You can use it in upholstery I understand, but I don't do any of that either!

NP: He's entitled to express an opinion without deviating. So ah Peter you still have the subject and there are 21 seconds, citizen's band radio starting now.


NP: Kenneth Williams challenged.

KW: Hesitation.

NP: Kenneth you have the subject, there are 19 seconds on citizen's band radio starting now.

KW: Clement Freud is probably much better equipped to discuss this subject than I am, since he was in the House which made the things legal. Now I think Nimmo is right...


NP: Peter Jones challenged.

PJ: I think, he admits that Clement Freud is better equipped, I think he should hand the subject over to him!

DN: If I might say, the subject is not Clement Freud's equipment, it is citizen's band radio.

PJ: But he was boring and he should pass it on!

NP: Well he wasn't deviating from the subject on the card. He can express his opinion about Clement Freud, as you were on the electric carving knife. So Kenneth I leave it with you, and there are still seven seconds, citizen's band radio starting now.

KW: Derek and...


NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: He said Derek Nimmo twice.

KW: I didn't, I didn't, I said Nimmo before. I did not say Derek.

NP: He didn't say Derek Nimmo.

DN: Oh right.

KW: You want to wash your ears out, mate!

NP: It's much better if he doesn't, because then you get more points for incorrect challenges.

KW: Precisely! What a very good chairman! Excellent man!

NP: Kenneth, you still have the subject, another point, six seconds, citizens' band radio starting now.

KW: My dear friend opposite who was in The Amorous Prawn, and of course Peter, have already...


NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Repetition of of course.

NP: I don't remember him saying of course...

KW: No, I never said that.

CF: He always says it!

NP: He always says it...

CF: He always says it!

KW: He always gets that in, because he thinks that he'll always get away with it, you see.

NP: Yes...

KW: Take no notice of it Nicholas!

NP: I don't think you said it in this round.

KW: Hear hear! Hear hear!

NP: You may have said it many times before...

CF: I'd quite like to talk about um CB radio nevertheless.

NP: Well let Kenneth finish the subject, one and a half seconds, you wouldn't say much in one and a half seconds about it. Kenneth, one and a half seconds to go starting now.

KW: Well it's the MPs that made it all right...


NP: So what did you want to say Clement?

CF: I shan't just give it away like that!

NP: Right! Well what I will give away is that fact that Kenneth Williams not only got the point for speaking as the whistle went, but he gained a number of points in that round and he has leapt into the lead. Which pleases him and the audience. And the next subject is a bad practical joke. Clement Freud it's your turn, there are 60 seconds as usual starting now.

CF: The scenario for a really bad practical joke would include a chicken, a duck, turkey, parrot, cow, horse, dog, cart, and 14 characters which I shall describe as the... (pauses)


NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: He failed to describe them!

NP: Yes.

CF: Yes.

NP: So a pause and 42 seconds for you on a bad practical joke starting now.

DN: I was concerned with what turned out to be really a rather bad practical joke. We were doing Blythe Spirit, a play by Noel Coward, in Hong Kong, and we decided to go to an island called Lantao for the day. Now a chum of mine, or rather my son, was a police inspector on this island. And when we arrived, I'd arranged with him that he would come and arrest...


NP: Kenneth Williams challenged.

KW: Two islands.

DN: No.

NP: No.

KW: He said island twice.

NP: No, he said I arranged.

KW: He said island.

DN: I only said island once.

KW: Went to an island, and then he said again about the policeman on this island.

NP: Oh yes!

KW: So island was said twice.

NP: You have the subject of a bad practical joke, there are 25 seconds starting now.

KW: This actually happened. A friend of mine went into Fortnum and Mason, asked for a very expensive box of chocolates. Then said to the assistant, "now squash 'em all!" And he said "but why, sir?"


NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Deviation.

NP: Why?

CF: That's rather a good practical joke!

NP: I think it's a horrible practical joke! Terrible...

KW: Can I get on? Can I get on?

NP: Yes! Very bad practical joke! There are 13 seconds for a bad practical joke Kenneth starting now.

KW: When the assistant questioned this...


NP: Clement Freud.

CF: Repetition of assistant.

NP: Yes.

KW: But I couldn't, because you see, I said, in the other one, I said "why, sir". And he left me no alternative.

NP: I know but...

PJ: Quite right! I'd like to hear what happened! That's what I'd like!

KW: Well... well the assistant said "why do you want them squashed?" He said "because I'm taking my girl to the pictures, and in the dark she'll say 'what's soft centres and what's hard centres?' and if they're all squashed, she'll know anyway, won't she!"

DN: (laughing) Very good!

NP: So thank you for the joke, Kenneth...

KW: It wasn't a joke, it's true! Tommy Steele did it!

NP: Well it was still very funny.

KW: Of course it was! That's why he's Tommy Steele!

NP: But Clement Freud had a correct challenge previous to that with 11 seconds on a bad practical joke starting now.

CF: You wait until you see some Irish labourers digging up Piccadilly. And go to the police station and say "excuse me, but there are from the Emerald Isle across the channel some gentlemen who are using spade and shovel with which to disturb the macadam on the pavement on a main thoroughfare of the metropolitan city of London..."


DN: Deviation, you never have macadam on a pavement.

KW: Oh that's a good thing, yes! That's clever!

NP: But actually we'd gone past the 60 seconds because I wanted Clement to finish. I thought it was a bad practical joke, it just turned out to be a boring old story, didn't it! So actually to be perfectly fair, he had gone beyond the 60 seconds. I thought we were going to get to his payoff...

DN: But how are we supposed to know if you don't blow the whistle?

NP: You're not supposed to know...

DN: Am I losing a point because I made an incorrect challenge?

NP: No you haven't made an incorrect challenge, but you made it after the 60 seconds. So ah, Clement Freud, blow the whistle now Ian, and then we know the whistle has gone...


NP: It should have gone about five seconds ago. Clement gets a point...

DN: It's all very curious, isn't it?

NP: ... for speaking when the whistle should have gone. And we move on to...

DN: I always think a really bad practical joke is that one of Barry Humphries where he opens tins of cold vegetable salad, puts them into, on an aeroplane, into the sick bag in front and then eats them out with a spoon! I always think that's nasty!

NP: Oh! Most of our audience have either gone home, or are looking for the bags in front of the seats! At the end of that round, Derek Nimmo, for once is trailing in fourth place. One point behind Peter Jones, a little way behind Clement Freud. And in a very definite lead in this last show of the present series is Kenneth Williams. Peter Jones, it's your turn to begin, the subject is the Rubik Cube. Can you tell us something about that in the game starting now.

PJ: Well I think this in a way is a bad practical joke, because it's got everybody going and baffling people all over the place. It's made a fortune of course from the man who invented it and I understand...


NP: Kenneth Williams challenged.

KW: What was his grammar? "Made a fortune from the man that invented it"? What are you talking about?

PJ: For!

KW: You mean "for the man", don't you?

PJ: "For", I said! Didn't I say for?

KW: No, you said from!

NP: You intended to say "for" and it came out (makes garbled noise). It wasn't quite for. But you know, we don't want to allow a little bit of grammatical...

PJ: Would you do that impression again, Nicholas? I rather enjoyed that!

NP: I'm on your side Peter! Don't push your luck too hard!

PJ: You're on my side?

NP: Yes! So I'm going to give you the benefit of the doubt Peter, because you've got to keep going somehow in this game. And you still have the subject, another point and there are 48 seconds starting now.

PJ: And I believe that he is working on something similar to follow it up. Now if I had made many millions of pounds by producing something that people bought in every country...


NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Repetition of something.

NP: Yes I'm afraid you did Peter.

PJ: Oh yes.

NP: So Clement has the subject with 37 seconds on the Rubik Cube starting now.

CF: What you really need to solve the Rubik Cube is an enormously fast wrist action. I saw on television not very long ago, the Rubik Cube world championship, won inevitably by someone aged 15 who simply was double jointed in both arms, who probably hadn't got a brain in his head which is what is required for solutions of this order...


NP: Kenneth Williams challenged.

KW: Deviation, he said "he hasn't got a brain in his head". Well that's ridiculous, all human beings have got a brain in their head, that's a ludicrous thing to say!

CF: It's quite...

KW: It's total deviation! It's wrong to... To have our listeners believe that people couldn't have a brain in their head!

NP: Well he didn't actually want to say that. He was using a phrase which conveys that he was very agile with his hands, but wasn't particularly intelligent.

DN: I think it's a terrible slur! How would you...

KW: A terrible slur!

DN: What a disgusting thing to say! I saw this programme and I thought he was a particularly intelligent youth!

KW: So did I! Exactly! That's the point! Yes!

DN: And for you to say, the point Mister Freud was...

NP: But that wasn't your challenge! Your challenge was...

KW: Yes that was what I wanted to say after the bit about the human condition involved...

NP: Your challenge was that every human being has got a brain in their head...

KW: Oh shut your row! I think I'm right!

DN: No wonder they're not bringing Just A Minute back again, I can tell you! When the chairman can say things like that!

KW: Yes!

DN: And get away with it!

NP: No, no, I think he wasn't deviating, he was using a phrase...

DN: I think...

NP: ... that you have used many times. So Clement you still have the subject with 13 seconds, the Rubik Cube starting now.

CF: Red, white, yellow, green, black, brown, orange...


NP: Kenneth Williams challenged.

KW: Deviation, these are just lists of colours, it's nothing to do with the Rubik Cube. Just listing colours. So he's not talking about the Cube at all. Anyone could do that, you could talk about the rainbow, say "red, white, pink, blue", it's rubbish!

NP: Yes if he...

PJ: Yes but you couldn't go on for a minute!

KW: Yes he just hangs it out in order to get in the last few seconds and win, that's what he does it for!

NP: Kenneth...

KW: I don't worry about marks! I just come and have a go!

DN: I think...

NP: Kenneth, I agree with you. If he'd said the Rubik Cube consists of...

KW: Precisely! Exactly!

NP: ... instead of just going off on a list...

KW: Ah very good chairman! Lovely chairman isn't he!

DN: Oh really!

CF: No really!

DN: Really, honestly!

CF: No, six colours...

DN: You've got to have these colours, you couldn't do the Cube...

KW: Oh shut your row! He's given his verdict! He doesn't need people like you!

DN: It's only the Irish that have an all-white Rubik Cube!

NP: I know those are the colours of the Rubik Cube, but in this game...

DN: If you were talking about the rainbow, wouldn't you mention the colour. Richard Of York Gave Battle In Vain? Wouldn't you use that?

NP: I was saying that he should have established it was the Rubik Cube that had all these colours. And Kenneth has a good challenge...

CF: Oh brilliant!

NP: And he has 10 seconds on the Rubik Cube starting now.

KW: I am not the authority on the Rubik Cube that you would probably wish to hear. Obviously people like Nimmo, and young Peter Jones...


NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Deviation, he's not young! Not by any...

NP: Peter, do you consider yourself young?

PJ: I don't think that's got anything to do with the subject or the game!

NP: Well I know, but that is the challenge! The, that you're not young!

PJ: Well...

DN: Put it to the audience, is Peter Jones...

NP: Young?

DN: ... a Rubik Cube?

CF: You did say earlier on that one was entitled to express an opinion. I know this could be a departure...

NP: I know...

CF: ... from previous rulings of the chair. But really there's no reason why Williams shouldn't think that Jones is young!

PJ: No you see, he was comparing me to himself! And naturally as one gets older, one thinks...

NP: All right, I'll let the audience judge. If you consider that was a nice phraseology and a kind gesture to Peter Jones, you cheer for Kenneth. And if you consider that it was a deviation because it's not true, then you boo for Peter. And you all do it together now.

CF: Boo!


NP: Kenneth you have another point and you have half a second...

DN: What? It was quite clear...

NP: ... on the Rubik Cube starting now.

KW: This is called the Rubik Cube...

PJ: I must say this is not the youngest audience I've ever seen!


NP: You should take it as a compliment Peter...

PJ: And you!

NP: ... because it was meant as a form of endearment...

PJ: Yes, very kind of you!

NP: ... the audience do not consider that you are old.

PJ: Quite!

NP: But it leaves you trailing a lot.

PJ: It does...

NP: Derek Nimmo's trailing behind you.

PJ: An unfortunate coincidence, yes.

NP: But ah Kenneth Williams is doing magnificently, he's increased his lead again at the end of that round. And he also begins the next round. And it's a lovely subject Ian Messiter's thought of, tombstone collecting as a hobby. Can you tell us something about tombstone collecting as a hobby Kenneth, in the game starting now.

KW: There is a town in the United States, which is called Tombstone. And there are a number of collectors there, resident. And the things which these people have chosen to hoard are really quite extraordinary. Now there was a documentary film made about it, and it shows you these people in the town...


NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Repetition of "these people".

NP: Yes.

KW: Well that's such a petty thing, Derek! I mean if you're going to do that kind of thing, it makes the game ridiculous! People could do it on an and or a so. I mean it's petty.

NP: Kenneth! It wasn't petty.

KW: Well you wouldn't think so, because you are!

NP: No, it was a good, it was a correct challenge. And Derek takes over the subject with 36 seconds on tombstone collecting as a hobby starting now.

DN: This is something which is given to the ah collection of the...


NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: Hesitation.

NP: Oh yes you're right, Kenneth. Thirty-two seconds, tombstone collecting as a hobby stating now.

KW: Now I know people who do this, and they...


NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: That's people for the third time. Another petty repetition!

NP: No, I would say...

CF: You probably think people are not important!

NP: Clement, by the way I must tell the listeners. He looked at Kenneth when he said people are not important! He didn't accuse me of that one.

DN: Well of course, we don't consider you as people!

NP: Oh it's the last of the series, it's all coming out, isn't it! So Clement, I have to agree with you, a correct challenge, 31 seconds, tombstone collecting as a hobby starting now.

CF: The only acceptable hobby would be to used tombstones, such as are given or sold to undertakers in order to mark successfully the graves of people who are deceased, or dead as I like to call it. Um there are many persons...


NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Ah hesitation, he said um.

CF: No he didn't.

NP: He did say um, but he...

PJ: What? He said um, didn't he?

NP: He did say um.

PJ: Isn't that a hesitation?

NP: I don't think he really hesitated, you know, enough...

PJ: Well, why did he say um? That is um...

DN: If you say er, you always call that a hesitation. What's the difference between an um and an er?

NP: Oh all right, I'll tell you what I'll do. It's the last round of the game, it's the end of this particular series. And we've heard from everybody on this subject...

CF: This isn't just the end of the series. This is the end of Just A Minute!

PJ: And it may be the end of our careers for all we know!

NP: Well you have er, Peter you have 13 seconds...

CF: Tombstone collecting will become a necessity!

NP: Thirteen seconds to try and put that right on the subject of tombstone collecting as a hobby starting now.

PJ: Yes it's quite illegal to pick them up from the um...


PJ: Um!

NP: I think probably you were going to be challenged for hesitation, Peter.

PJ: Yes.

NP: Is that right, Derek?

DN: That was indeed.

NP: Right so we're going to hear from you on tombstone collecting as a hobby with nine seconds to go...

DN: I once collected a tombstone, the inscription on which was "here lives the grave of Elizabeth Charlotte,
Born a virgin, died a harlot,
She was a virgin, aye, at 17,
A Very rare thing in Aberdeen."


NP: So Derek Nimmo brought the round to a close with a flourish. And I think has brought the contest to a close with a real flourish. And I will now flourish it all out by giving you the final score, which is Derek Nimmo and Peter Jones equal in third place. A little way behind Clement Freud. But way out, a very strong and definite leader and our winner this week, Kenneth Williams!

IAN MESSITER: Keep taking the tablets!

NP: And that was Ian Messiter saying "keep taking the tablets"! And from our producer Pete Atkin, and myself, Nicholas Parsons, we hope you've enjoyed the show and the series, and will want to be with us again when we hope we'll be back on the air playing Just A Minute. Till then from all of us here, good-bye!


ANNOUNCER: The chairman of Just A Minute was Nicholas Parsons, the programme was devised by Ian Messiter and produced by Pete Atkin.