ANNOUNCER: We present Kenneth Williams, Clement Freud, Peter Jones and Sheila Hancock in Just A Minute. An as the Minute Waltz fades away here to tell you about it is our chairman Nicholas Parsons.

NICHOLAS PARSONS: Thank you, thank you very much, hello and welcome to Just A Minute. And we're delighted this week to welcome back Sheila Hancock to fill the fourth chair and play against our three regular male contestants in the game. And just to remind you, I'm going to ask them to speak as usual on just, for just one minute on some unlikely subject without hesitation, without repetition and without deviating from the subject which is on the card in front of me. And let us begin the show this week with Clement Freud. Clement would you talk about what I stand for. Would you talk on that for 60 seconds starting now.

CLEMENT FREUD: On this programme I stand for almost anything! But I suppose this subject is meant to mean what I stood for earlier on when I joined the Scouts. It was honour, loyalty, duty, brotherly, courteous, kind, obedience, smiling, thrifty, clean in thoughts, words and mind. After which I joined the Army and was asked to kill people, which I stood for because I was told to. I was wearing the Queen's uniform, or possibly the King's. It didn't fit at all well. They said there was a deposit on it which you could brush off!


NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PETER JONES: Deviation, he's talking about a deposit brushing off and it's nothing to do with what he stood for. Unless he lost his deposit!

NP: Well actually Peter, if you'd said hesitation. I thought having made a little joke, he paused and he hesitated. But I'm afraid I would disagree, I still think he was on the subject of what I stand for. He'd well established that.

PJ: Yes.

NP: And the Boy Scouts into the Army and his deposit was just a little throwaway incidentally.

PJ: That's what I mean, it was a throwaway incidentally. You're admitting it! It was a deviation if it was incidental and thrown away! It ought to have been thrown much further!

NP: It wasn't thrown far enough for me to agree with deviation so Clement has a point and there are 22 seconds on what I stand for Clement starting now.

CF: What I now stand for is being forced to drink inferior wine at tastings all over the country, and in particular in Wales. I also stand for yellow-coated policewomen, racing up and giving me tickets to which I'm not...


NP: That whistle tells us that 60 seconds are up. And whoever is speaking at the um, that particular moment of course gains an extra point. On this occasion it was Clement Freud, in fact he's the only one to gain any points in that round, so of course he has a commanding lead. Clement would you like to... no, Sheila will you begin the next round. We haven't heard from you yet. Sheila the subject is titles. Will you talk on that for 60 seconds starting now.

SHEILA HANCOCK: Sir, my Lord, my Lady...


NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KENNETH WILLIAMS: Well she's going so slow, it's ridiculous! Sir... me Lord, I mean anyone can go on like that for hours!

NP: Do you know...

KW: She's just slowing the whole game down and trying to get points by stringing out the...

SH: (in tears) Aaahhhhh waaaaahhhhh!

KW: Now she's crying! She's trying to get sympathy! It's a disgrace! It's a disgrace!

NP: I quite agree Kenneth, I quite agree. Do you know it reminded me of somebody else who does exactly the same thing.

KW: Really?

NP: Yes, you.

KW: Oh!

NP: So as you were the one who challenged, I don't think I will give you the point against her. But say that was a wrong challenge so Sheila has a point and she has 56 seconds to continue on titles starting now.

SH: Piquant, Hamlet, Once Upon A Time, When We Were Six, The Hallelujah Chorus, Just A Minute, Petticoat Line...


NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

KW: She's just getting slower and slower! It's ludicrous!

NP: But Peter Jones was the one whose challenge came in first because his light came on.

KW: I was in first!

NP: Peter Jones's light came on and I take the lights because whoever presses first...

KW: Oh! He'll have a halo around his head, he will, in a minute!

NP: Peter, nice to hear from you, what's your challenge?

PJ: Well I thought she was verging on the hesitation.

KW: Verging on it? Verging? She'd ground to a halt, hadn't she! Anyone can tell that!

NP: Well as I decided...

KW: I don't know why they have women on this show! They ruin everything!

NP: As I decided when Kenneth challenged that she wasn't vergin'... oh...


SH: I'm not going to even utter any more if you're going to insult me like that!

NP: Oh I know you're not... I will not on this occasion give it against you and say that you have another point and the subject is titles and you have 44 and a half seconds starting now.

SH: Well I shouldn't think anybody on this team will be ever awarded a title. You can have titles...


NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Ah deviation.

NP: Why?

CF: We all have titles! Like Mister or...

NP: Yes!

PJ: Well that's not a title, is it?

SH: Yes you do really.

CF: As much as Sir, it is a form of...

NP: It is actually, she's, he's quite correct.

SH: Very good challenge!

NP: It's a very good challenge which deserves a point. Therefore he takes over the subject...


KW: She blew a raspberry! I heard it from here!

NP: I know! She was sufficiently far away from the spray from the raspberry not to have landed!

KW: Oh I see! Oh!

CF: I do think it's a mistake to have women on the show!

KW: Yes! Quite right Clement! I agree with you Clement!

NP: This chorus has been taken up all round!

PJ: Well I'm not taking it up, I'd like more of them!

KW: Oh yes! We know what you're after! Mmmmmm!

NP: Well you're lucky, you have the women on your side of the er hall, theatre actually Peter, they don't...

SH: I'll go home if I'm not wanted!

KW: Oh you are darling! Don't be silly! You're loved! I've got a warm place for you any time!

NP: Right! Keep...

SH: I don't wish to know that!

NP: Right, we'll keep all our warm places to ourselves and get on with Just A Minute. And Clement Freud you have a correct challenge so you have a point and you have 38 seconds on titles starting now.

CF: When you go into a public library, they're very keen on titles. First of all, they ask you if you want fiction or non hyphen fiction. And then...


NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: He er repeated fiction.

NP: You did repeat the word fiction. So Peter Jones has a correct challenge and a point and he has 30 seconds on titles starting now.

PJ: Titles are terribly important because they can influence people as to whether they're going to go to the theatre or not. And the same applies to the cinema. Now authors spend a great deal of time thinking up rather catchy and attractive names to give their works. Because they know that this is often much more important than the drama itself. Now you can think of something like Charlie's Aunt, for instance, or A Little Bit Of Fluff. What The Butler saw. What excellent...


NP: So Peter Jones kept going magnificently on titles then and gave us quite a few in the bargain. And you have now gone into second place at the end of that round. And Sheila Hancock will you begin the next round, making the best of it. There's an involved subject to talk about it which Ian Messiter has decided to land you with. But will you go on it for 60 seconds starting now.

SH: Well it seems to be something that you have little or no choice about. I agree with Bertrand Russell that life is horrible, horrible, horrible! Oh!


SH: Oh it is, it is!

NP: Oh it is! Kenneth Williams got in.

SH: Yes.

KW: Repetition.

PJ: I think Bertrand Russell loses a point!

SH: Yes it's such a good quotation...

KW: I think she was just showing off anyway! All those posh names!

SH: Oh you can talk with all that erudite rubbish that you get out with!

KW: That's a contradiction in itself, erudite rubbish.

NP: I know! All right Kenneth, so we're all delighted that you have the subject, making the best of it now is with you and there are 51 seconds starting now.

KW: Well in the words of the greatest poet of our country, it consists in speaking the speech, I pray you, trippingly on the tongue, or do not mouth it, as some of your players do, I would at least, the town crier spoke my lines, nor do not saw the air too much with your hands...


NP: Sheila Hancock has challenged.

SH: No it's two little words, isn't it. I do not, do not, I was going to say, but...

NP: All right it's a wrong challenge, he gets another point and he keeps going...

SH: Oh blimey!

NP: ...with 27 seconds on making the best of it starting now.

KW: Because as Voltaire rightly remarked, you can only dig in your own bit of garden! Don't go poking your nose...


KW: Who did that?

NP: Sheila Hancock did it.

SH: Voltaire didn't say dig in your own garden and don't poke your nose.

KW: Well he didn't actually say those words, they're the sentiments I mean.

NP: Ah but you didn't say that. You said Voltaire said dig in your own bit of garden. I believe a literal translation of Voltaire would not come in to dig in your own bit of garden and poke your nose!

SH: No, quite!

NP: I believe if you'd said his sentiments were that, then I would have agreed with you. So I have to give it to Sheila and she has er 19 seconds on making the best of it starting now.

SH: I think the best thing to do is to make the most of every single second that you're alive because you're never quite sure whether there's going to be any more. Also as far as one's appearance is concerned. Take the best thing about you and try and improve it so that people don't notice all the rotten things...


NP: Well that thought of Sheila's kept her going until the whistle went. She gained the extra point and she's now in second place, ahead of Peter Jones, but still behind our leader Clement Freud. Kenneth's moving up in fourth place, it's still anybody's game and Clement we'd like you to begin the next round, the subject autograph hunters. I'm sure Ian Messiter's thought of this particularly for you but will you talk about it for 60 seconds starting now.

CF: There are in this world a very large number of people who collect autographs and I suppose metaphorically hunt for them. The important thing to remember is they never hunt for autographs for themselves, it's always for their niece...


NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Hunt, he repeated hunt.

KW: Well he'd only just started! He hadn't got under way!

NP: He'd got under way to the extent of 14 seconds and he's very clever the way he keeps going, so I think it was a very good challenge...

CF: Excellent!

NP: Excellent, yes, there you are! Forty-six seconds for you Peter on autograph hunters starting now.

PJ: I'm always surprised that they concentrate on entertainers and people in the theatre and television. Because of course I believe...


NP: Ah Clement Freud.

CF: Did I buzz? I'm sorry.

NP: Yes you did. You sometimes buzz and try to think of a challenge afterwards which is very clever...

CF: No, no, no.

NP: Peter you have a point for an incorrect challenge and 37 and a half seconds on autograph hunters starting now.

PJ: I suppose in a way this is a good thing. Because if they really concentrated on people of some importance in the world like brain surgeons and great statesmen and so on, they would slow up their work to such an extent that the world would grind to a halt. So in a way it's much better that they should use up in our time in this way. Now I have been asked very often for my autograph because someone has said "is he anybody?" as I've come our of the theatre. And somebody else has replied "no but he seems willing!"


NP: Ah...

PJ: What?


NP: Ah I'm glad we let you get the other bit in!

PJ: Did I repeat something?

NP: Clement Freud's got a challenge, what...

CF: Repetition of theatre.

NP: Yes I'm afraid so, you did Peter.

PJ: Ah yes.

NP: Yes Clement, a correct challenge, five seconds now on autograph hunters starting now.

CF: Or grandchildren, but never ever for themselves which is extraordinary...


NP: At the end of that round Clement Freud increased his lead. Peter Jones moved into second place. Sheila stayed as she were and so did Kenneth Williams. Peter Jones will you begin the next round, reports.

SH: Mmmm?

NP: Well that went down well with everybody. Reports, will you talk on reports for just one minute starting now.

PJ: Well I think of big bangs. And those things that one is given at school, one has to take home to one's parents, which is to say that er...


NP: Kenneth Williams got in.

KW: Very definite hesitation.

PJ: Yes it was. Appalling! Embarrassing! I'm shocked that you had to buzz about it!

NP: Well he...

PJ: I mean I ought to have given it! Had there been a sponge, I would have thrown it in!

NP: He did let you get away with three ones, and if that isn't letting someone get underway, I don't know what is! Kenneth you restrained yourself until the hesitation which I agree with. He's now wet his eyebrows listeners in order to get into the mood to talk to us on the subject of reports with 49 seconds left starting now.

KW: One of mine stated "quick to grasp the bones of a subject but slow to develop them. He will never get anywhere." Now I'd like to see the master at the school who wrote that down right now, and bash his face in! He talked a load of rubbish! I mean there I was, of course my potential wasn't exposed. Like an iceberg, only a bit of me was showing. There was a load more to come out, you see! This nit didn't understand, you see. All he could see...


NP: Sheila Hancock has challenged.

SH: He's going to hate me for this, but two you sees right on top of one another.

NP: Yes there were three sees actually.

KW: Ah well that could be called idiosyncratic speech, you see.

SH: Well are you allowed to repeat your idiosyncrasies?

NP: No, no, your idiosyncratic...

KW: Only if it's on the card! (laughs)

NP: Oh! No, you can only repeat your idiosyncratic gestures, as Kenneth has done. There are 17 seconds on reports Sheila with you starting now.

SH: I used to face these with fear and trembling when I was a child. We weren't allowed to open them till we got home and I used to stand there shaking while Daddy...


NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Repetition of used. She used to er shake and she used to bring them home.

NP: Yes she used to, didn't she! You rotten thing you! That was a tough challenge! All right Peter it's a correct challenge and I have to be fair within the rules of the game. You have six and a half seconds on reports starting now.

PJ: Could try harder, not good at movement and should be better at games...


NP: In spite of the two shoulds, they didn't interrupt you Peter. You've now increased your position in second place, you're one point behind our leader who's still Clement Freud. And Kenneth Williams will you begin the next round. Leg pulls. Will you talk on that one for 60 seconds starting now.

KW: Well one of the funniest things I always think about leg pulls was when Peter Cook said "the man playing Long John Silver come on, and the other bloke said 'your left leg I like, I've nothing against you. Unfortunately, neither have you!'"



KW: Oh dear! Right load they've got in here tonight! One of the funniest lines and they didn't even get it! So you see to be really responsive to wit you need...

NP: Kenneth, so sorry to interrupt you but Clement did challenge you.

KW: What about?

CF: Milking the audience which I suppose would be hesitation.

NP: It would be hesitation but he was doing us a service, wasn't he. But I suppose I have to be fair within the rules of the game, he very definitely hesitated. So sorry Kenneth, we would like you to carry on with your leg pulls. But Clement was correct with...

KW: I wasn't hesitating! I was deliberating! There's nothing in the game says you can't deliberate...

NP: There's nothing...

KW: There's nothing in the game says I could pandiculate here. I could pandiculate like mad!

NP: There's nothing, there's nothing in the game...

KW: As a matter of fact I suffer from gomphosis!

NP: There's nothing in the game...

KW: It should be stated categorically right now, everyone should know that I've got gomphosis!

NP: Kenneth, Kenneth...

KW: It's no use your trying to bluff your way through, you don't even know what gomphosis means!

NP: There's nothing in the game...

PJ: What is gomphosis?

NP: There's nothing...

KW: Gomphosis is articulation through clenched teeth, dear!


NP: Kenneth! There's nothing in the game that says that you should shut up on occasions and let the chairman have its say. But Clement Freud is in the lead and he's in a generous mood, aren't you Clement?

SH: No!

NP: No, he's not! So in spite of that I'm going to give it to you Kenneth, because you did milk the audience. You did it for a purpose and you have 39 seconds now to continue with leg pulls starting now.

KW: Well you couldn't have done it with Sara Bernhardt because she had a wooden one. And I believe played Hamlet with it on the stage, because she couldn't have left it anywhere else, could she? She had to bring it on with her. It was keeping her up, so to speak! But she did get in this railway carriage, and this bloke did say to her, "here! Have you got a ticket to Bournemouth?" Now she hadn't because she simply wasn't going that way, and so naturally she just produced this slip of paper which was given to her by the station master at Crewe and said it would see her through any kind of trouble she was up against. Little did she know he was having her on...


NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Repetition of up against. We had up against with Peter Cook earlier on.

NP: Oh yes! The right leg was, had nothing up against it, didn't it.

KW: No it didn't!

NP: What did it have?

KW: The line was "I have nothing against it, unfortunately neither have you". So there's no up against.

NP: Right! Thank you very much Kenneth, that's what I want you to say. So you proved that it was an incorrect challenge and you have six seconds to continue with leg pulls starting now.

KW: I had mine pulled on a film set when they said "your voice is unacceptable to the film, it's going to be all dubbed by someone else"...


KW: And I said...

NP: Clement Freud challenged just before the whistle. Clement what is your challenge?

CF: Repetition of film.

NP: Kenneth Williams has another point and he has one second to go on leg pulls starting now.

KW: I never said nothing of the kind!


NP: So we were a little bit generous to Kenneth then, but he gives us such good value...

KW: I don't understand why they didn't get that joke about Long John Silver, because he's got a wooden leg and...

NP: Kenneth!

KW: ... he said "that left leg I like, I've nothing against that, unfortunately neither have you!"

SH: Kenneth, you...

KW: They don't get it, do they?

NP: No they don't.

KW: It's terribly funny because he's got nothing against it, that's why he fell over!

SH: When you first read the script, you didn't get it either! Because I was there...

KW: Shut your mouth! How dare you! Oh isn't it disgraceful!

SH: And then you said it was from Dick...

KW: I've come all the way from King's Cross and they insulted me!

NP: The next generation, Sheila Hancock, will you talk on that now for 60 seconds starting now.

SH: Well I wouldn't be them for anything in the world! They have to face a cataclysmic decision! Because I think really within the next 50 years we either go on or we destroy ourselves what with pollution and bombs and...


NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: I think all that is dreary, all this horrible prognostication about everyone being wiped out! It's horrible, I don't want to hear it! It's boring!

NP: So what's your challenge?

KW: Deviation. Because you mustn't deviate from being lovely, and she was! (laughs)

NP: Well I love the idea, and I love the thought. I wish you wouldn't deviate from being lovely. But she did not deviate from the subject on the card of the next generation. So I have to give her another point and tell her that she continues for 45 seconds with the next generation starting now.

SH: And violence and greed. However I do think we have a grain of hope. Because on the whole, I think they're a pretty nice bunch. And I think...


NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: How can they be a pretty nice bunch if they're the next generation? How do you know?

SH: Well they're little and they grow...

KW: You're supposed to be talking about the next generation! They're the next generation! How can they be a nice bunch?

SH: They're the next generation when they're grown up!

NP: The next generation, after all, the next generation after you is me!


CF: In that case, Sheila was right!


NP: The witty remarks, they don't laugh at, do they? The er but she did have three I thinks you know. Which you overlooked. But I have to accept the first challenge and it was not um, it was incorrect so Sheila keeps the subject and there are 36 seconds on the next generation Sheila starting now.

SH: I don't want to sound idealistic but I...


NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Deviation, she...

NP: Why?

CF: She couldn't!

NP: I think of all the people I know, Sheila could shound... could shound! Could sound idealistic, so Sheila, a wrong challenge so you keep the subject and there are 33 seconds on the next generation starting now.

SH: And I'm sure Kenneth will say I'm the wrong one to say this...


NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: Deviation.

NP: Why?

KW: The subject is the next generation, not Kenneth Williams! That's nothing to do with it! Do I look like the next generation?

SH: No!


SH: Do you...

KW: You be quiet! I'll be over there!

NP: Kenneth, another wrong challenge because after all, she only started by saying Kenneth Williams will something, and we never heard even heard what she said before you challenged. So there are 31 seconds with you now Sheila on the next generation starting now.

SH: I think probably the first thing they've got to do...


NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: That's the fifth I think.

NP: Yes that's right, I'm afraid. I told you last time, how stupid of me!

SH: It's all these rotten interray, interruptions!

KW: She can't even speak! Interaytions? (laughs) She can't speak!

NP: Well she not only had interruptions, she had interaytions as well! It was very embarrassing...

SH: Go on then Clement, let's hear what you've got to say!

NP: Yes that's right, 29 seconds for you with the next generation Clement starting now.

CF: I think there's tremendous hope for the next...


NP: Kenneth Williams has...
KW: Well he's picked her up for three I thinks, and he starts off with I think! It's ludicrous! Ludicrous!

NP: But Kenneth, he had not said I think yet!

KW: Well nevertheless, everyone's fed up with I think. That lady over there is nodding off with it! Yes!

NP: Maybe she was thinking as well! But I've got to be careful, this is the last round, and up to that point, they were equal! And now because that was an incorrect challenge, because he hadn't said I think before, Clement has a lead now of one point. So do watch it...

SH: Over who?

NP: Over you, Sheila.

SH: Ooohh here! Lovely!

NP: Because you moved up. The next generation with Kenneth's incorrect challenges moved you forward very rapidly behind him. Um Clement you have 27 seconds on the next generation starting now.

CF: I am firmly of the opinion that the 1980s and 90s hold a tremendous future for the young people who will go to school and university in those years. I think the country will...


NP: Ah Sheila Hancock... (laughs) Oh Sheila! Yes!

KW: What was it? What's the challenge?

SH: Repetition of I think!

NP: I think!

KW: Oh he did! What a laugh!

NP: That's right, so I think, I think, I think we're going to have some fun...

KW: Oh it's getting close! I can hardly keep my seat!

NP: Do you want to go somewhere?

KW: Go on! How long has she got?

NP: There are 15 seconds left Sheila on I think, no, on... the next generation starting now.

SH: Possibly the first thing they have to do is to care more about other people than themselves which seem to be the backward trend at the moment. Women have a great future in the next generation, because of what we are doing in this one. Both...


NP: Well as I told you a moment ago, we were in the last round and you now have probably guessed the final score. But let me give it in reverse order. Kenneth Williams was only just in fourth place behind Peter Jones who was, it was all very close. He was only just in third place behind Clement Freud who was obviously only just in second place. Because by one point Sheila Hancock this week becomes our winner! We do hope you've enjoyed this edition of Just A Minute. From all of us here, good-bye!


ANNOUNCER: The chairman of Just A Minute, the programme was devised by Ian Messiter and produced by David Hatch.