ANNOUNCER: We present Kenneth Williams, Clement Freud, Peter Jones and Sheila Hancock in Just A Minute. And as the Minute Waltz fades away here to tell you about it is our chairman Nicholas Parsons.

NICHOLAS PARSONS: Thank you, thank you very much indeed, hello and welcome to Just A Minute. And we're delighted this week to welcome back Sheila Hancock to fill the fourth chair and play against our three regular male contestants in the game. And just to remind you, I'm going to ask them to speak as usual for just one minute on some unlikely subject without hesitation, without repetition, and without deviating from the subject which is on the card in front of me. And let us begin the show this week with Clement Freud. Clement would you talk about piggy banks for 60 seconds starting now.

CLEMENT FREUD: Of all the really sophisticated means of managing money, the piggy bank is probably the least. It is usually made of pottery, also wood, sometimes metal. And it has on the back a slit through which you put such coins or pieces of paper as you have on you, which you might need for some further occasion, Christmas, a birthday, next year, a budget, er...


NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.


CF: That's all I had to say!

NP: It sounded rather like it actually.

CF: Good!

NP: When you mentioned the word...

KW: Well I thought it was hesitation, definitely, yes.

NP: Yes it was more, I think it was a complete dry-up actually! Hesitation, I agree with your challenge Kenneth, so you gain a point for a correct challenge and you take over the subject of piggy banks and there are 32 seconds left starting now.

KW: In my day these were always called po-po-po-po...


NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

KW: That's very mean! I was hardly under way! I gave you a chance! You were under way, weren't you.

NP: Yes but he didn't say po-po-po-po, did he?

KW: No, but I was feeling my way. Good gracious, we've all got to start somewhere, haven't we! You wouldn't come up here and do it straight away, would you. He's gone white now!

NP: Clement...

CF: Hesitation.

NP: What is your challenge?

CF: Hesitation.

NP: Hesitation, yes, and repetition of po-po. Clement I agree with your challenge, so you get a point and you take the subject back. Piggy banks and there are 27 seconds left starting now.

CF: A well known bookmaker in Scotland whose name is Banks has a younger brother known as Piggy, who has eyes that are very close together and pink ears...


NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: Deviation.

NP: Why?

KW: I don't believe a word of it. The whole thing's made up! It's too delightfully coincidental, isn't it. This bloke called Piggy...

NP: But however delightfully coincidental, as long as he keeps to the subject of piggy banks and we can't prove that he's accurate or not, he's allowed to keep going because he hasn't deviated from the subject on the card. So Clement Freud, a wrong challenge, you have another point and you have 18 seconds on piggy banks starting now.

CF: Piggy Banks derived his nickname from this extraordinary noise which he used to make like (makes different grunting noises)


NP: Sheila Hancock has challenged.

SHEILA HANCOCK: Repetition of (makes grunting noises)

NP: Repetition of one of the sounds anyway.

CF: There was no he, there was no sound I repeated as far as...

SH: You went (makes grunting noises)

CF: No, I only...

SH: Well what did you do? Do it!

NP: Do it again! I think...

CF: I didn't, I'd rather not!

NP: I think it sounded a little, I think one of the sounds was repeated. Anyway Sheila, nice to hear from you, you have 13 seconds on piggy banks starting now.

SH: I would think it more than likely in a pig sty that there is a little corner where the pigs keep a little bit of food and they probably have the equivalent of a chequebook where they go and draw out...


NP: Well that whistle tells us that 60 seconds is up, and whoever is speaking at that moment gains an extra point. The idea of a pig having the equivalent of a chequebook, I thought, was terribly devious. Anyway Sheila nobody challenged you so you got the extra point. And Kenneth Williams, you will please begin the second round. Piggybacks...

KW: Well I...

NP: Can you talk on that subject...

KW: Oh sorry!

NP: ...for 60 seconds starting now.

KW: Well I was once given this piggyback by a friend, because I was in this cinema and a lot of youths made unseemly remarks. "Oh it's him on the telly", "oh that nit", rude things of that nature. So I flew out this side door. I said "how are we going to get over?" because there was no way apparently over this wall which was very high...


NP: Clement Freud challenged.

KW: And he said "don't worry, I'll give you a piggyback". Well, I was halfway up and my braces went, I used to wear braces. And I was standing there with trousers around my ankles. I did feel such a fool! Can you imagine?

NP: I know! I know!

KW: One tries to keep up appearances, and I mean up! (laughs) I should say these were coming down!

NP: Kenneth! You were challenged about 30 seconds back.

KW: Eh?

NP: Yes!

KW: What, ruin a lovely anecdote like that?

NP: He didn't, no, we let you go on.

KW: Oh I see.

NP: We let you finish...

KW: What was the basis of his challenge?

NP: The basis of your challenge, Clement Freud, was what?

CF: He repeated the word over.

NP: Yes you did go over more than once. Clement Freud was the first to challenge, he gains a point and there are 35 seconds left Clement on piggybacks starting now.

CF: What you do, quite simply, is to leap up on the back of another human being, thrusting your legs between his arms...


NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: He's not talking about a piggyback at all. If you ask any entrant to leap upon your back, height or do yourself great injury in the process. The thing to do...

NP: Depending on your...

KW: ... you see is to kneel down, and let anyone just get on to your back...

NP: Depending on your physical strength. If you were fairly strong, someone could leap on your back and you could grab them and off they go.

KW: The whole point of a piggyback is not to ask them to leap on, it's to bend and let them get on. And the whole point...

NP: I know, there's no particular point...

KW: Of course it is...

NP: You can get on either way.

KW: If you want someone to leap on your back, you are not in the realm of piggyback, you're in the realm of athletics! It all means...

NP: You could be in athletics...

KW: Someone leaping about! Yes! Of course you are! Nothing to do with a piggyback!

NP: You are very difficult sometimes Kenneth! This was an athletic piggyback anyway, a piggyback is once they are mounted. And whether you leap on or not doesn't really matter, because he was still keeping on piggyback and so he has another point and there are 28 seconds left Clement starting now.

CF: But quite a good way to achieve a piggyback is to lean down and ask the child to...


NP: Ah...

KW: This is a disgrace! Deviation! He's taken the words out of my mouth! That's devious, that is!

NP: Why?

KW: Taking the words out of my mouth, that's devious! Utterly devious, not straightforward at all! Taking the words that I have said in good faith out of my mouth, out of the mouths of babes and sucklings shall it come!

NP: I'm sorry, that is not a correct challenge. Clement keeps the subject and there are 24 seconds left starting now.

CF: I once saw a child being given a suckling piggyback which was quite a different thing altogether because it was a minute animal, no bigger than a caterpillar. And the child was a toddler of mature weeks...


NP: Sheila Hancock has challenged, why?

SH: It has to be deviation, what is he talking about?

NP: I have no idea, the idea...

CF: I wasn't listening!

NP: No! That was pretty obvious because you all missed out the fact that he repeated the word child as well. Yes Sheila you have the subject now with 11 seconds on piggybacks starting now.

SH: And you lean over, touch your knees with your hands. And as Kenneth said, the other person puts their hands on your shoulders and drops...


NP: Ah Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Two hands.

SH: Oh yes.

NP: There were two hands in your piggyback.

SH: Yes.

NP: Yes, you only have two, not four. Clement you have the subject back with three seconds to go on piggybacks starting now.

CF: At the local village fete, piggyback...


NP: So piggybacks gave Clement Freud a large number of points, with incorrect challenges from Kenneth, and also the fact that he was speaking when the whistle went. So he has a very definite lead at the end of that round over everybody else. Peter Jones will you begin the next round, smashing records. Will you talk on that subject for 60 seconds starting now.

PETER JONES: Now that is something I've always rather wanted to do. Not on the sports field, or in the swimming pool, or even playing this game. But when I go into a restaurant with a nice Damask tablecloth and an inviting atmosphere, bright lights and the record, somebody puts it on a player and the sound reverberates through this place. I get terribly annoyed and would like to leap out of my chair and pick up the offending disc and place it across my lap. And then with a quick karate chop, smash it into a thousand fragments. Because I feel that the sound...


NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Deviation.

NP: Why?

CF: A karate chop on a record cannot possibly produce a thousand pieces.

NP: You've never seen the way Peter Jones does it!

CF: Ideally, ideally two...

PJ: This is a long playing record!

NP: You see the point is here it's so difficult to judge. Because if you did a proper karate chop, you would break it into two, that is accurate...

CF: But a thousand!

NP: But Peter Jones, I know, is not a karate expert, so if he gave it a karate chop...

PJ: How do you know that?

NP: .... I could well believe, I could well believe it could go into a thousand pieces...

CF: Oh would it?

NP: So I an giving the benefit of the doubt, he's still smashing records and there are 18 seconds left starting now.

PJ: Alternately, I could put it on a concrete floor and get a large hammer...


NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: Deviation, he said alternately, he meant alternatively.

NP: I know he meant alternatively but um could it mean, could it make sense if he said alternately?

KW: Well does he mean he alternates between his karate chops and the other...

PJ: Yes!

KW: Oh I beg your pardon then! I withdraw my challenge!

PJ: I'm trying it first on the knee and then on the floor!

KW: Oh I beg your pardon then! I'm sorry! I beg your pardon! I withdraw! I withdraw! I withdraw!

NP: But it's too late actually, it's an incorrect challenge so he gets a point, 15 seconds left with you Peter still on smashing records starting now.

PJ: Of course pinned against the wall with perhaps a drawing pin, I could throw stones at these er...


NP: (laughs) Clement Freud got in that time first.

PJ: Sorry!

CF: Hesitation.

NP: Yes indeed, so you have the subject and a point Clement, and there are eight seconds left on smashing records starting now.

CF: One hundred yards in eight point six seconds, a mile in three minutes, er a great...


NP: Sheila Hancock has challenged.

KW: (laughs)

SH: Hoist with his own petard!

NP: What is the challenge?

SH: Um hesitation.

NP: I agree and there's one second to go, smashing records Sheila starting now.

SH: Menuhin's, Elgar...


NP: So Sheila Hancock cleverly got in there with only one second to go, doing what Clement Freud often successfully does. Sheila, your turn to begin, the subject, predicaments, 60 seconds starting now.

SH: One of the worst predicaments you could be in is to be given one minute to talk about predicaments. However...


SH: It's on the card!

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Well it's absolute rubbish! It couldn't possibly be one of the worst predicaments you could ever be in.

NP: It could be if you've got Peter Jones sitting beside you ready to buzz you as rapidly as that!

CF: Oh!

NP: Kenneth Williams over there, about to do his nut on any subject under the sun! And Clement Freud looking like he's going to come in at any moment, particularly when there's only three seconds left. So Sheila Hancock you have a point and you still have predicaments and there are 54 seconds left starting now.

SH: Many people get into this situation in the theatre. For instance there is a true story of an actor who was enacting a murder scene. And he had a gun with which he was supposed to shoot his fellow artiste. And try as he would, it wouldn't fire! So in desperation he went over and kicked this other person very hard, and said "guard, the boot was poisoned!" And thereupon, the other person dropped dead! Then another thing that actually happened to me was when I was an ASM and we were doing a murder story, this play. And I came on with a tray of drinks, and when I went to go off, I couldn't undo the door, because the door handle came away in my hand...


NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Repetition of door.

NP: Yes she paused after she said murder a second time.

SH: Yes I did.

PJ: Well she did, yes, well, I didn't like to, I wanted her to get under way!

KW: She wasn't repeating it. It was door and door handle are quite different, you see. Door Handle is hyphenated.

SH: But I did pause so he can have it. Ah the story was that I went off through the fire place because I couldn't get out through the door!

NP: They said bye-bye Santa Claus, did they?

SH: Yes I think that did come into it.

NP: There are seven seconds for you Peter on predicaments starting now.

PJ: They are really something to avoid if you possibly can because...


NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: Deviation, this is grammatically incorrect. They are really something to avoid. I mean does he mean that unreally they're not to be avoided? They are really, they're either to be avoided or they're not! What's he talking about, they are really to be avoided? How can you unreally...

NP: I agree with what he said, they are really to be avoided. So he has three seconds left on predicaments starting now.

PJ: Whatever you may say, it's better to really avoid them!


NP: Peter Jones was then speaking when the whistle went so he moved forward somewhat in that round. And Clement your turn to begin, the subject, candle auctions. Can you talk on that for 60 seconds starting now.

CF: An ordinary auction sees some item or antique being bid for and getting knocked down... why doesn't somebody buzz?


NP: Sheila Hancock buzzed.

SH: We didn't buzz because none of us want to talk about it! But it was hesitation.

CF: Because I need a glass of water.

NP: It's hesitation, they're all nervous of the subject. We'll get them in quickly and have a bit of fun. So Sheila you have 47 seconds on candle auctions starting now.

SH: Well I suppose it probably is an auction where they get rid of candles...


NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: Deviation, it is not so.

NP: You're quite right Kenneth, and there are 43 seconds for you now on candle auctions starting now.

KW: This is the process by which, very common in the continent, you sit round the table, people say how much they are prepared to go to. And during the entire process, a candle is lit and slowly burned. Now if you don't get your bid in, by the time the candle...


KW: ...burns right the way down, you're right out...

NP: Clement Freud has...

KW: ...They say "oh the candle's out, so you're out!" (laughs)

NP: Clement Freud challenged you, well before your candle went out. Clement what is your challenge?

CF: Deviation.

NP: Why?

CF: During the entire process, a candle is lit.

SH: You're right.

CF: It sounds as if a thousand people with matches are buzzing along. He means the candle was lighted.

KW: No. I'm not having none of that, they all knew what I was talking about. Didn't you! Yes! They all knew!

NP: You think I've been harsh on you in this round. I think probably Clement has a good challenge there, but we did know what you were talking about.

KW: Thank you, thank you.

NP: So we give you the benefit of the doubt, you keep the subject and gain a point...

KW: Quite right! Quite right! Yes!

NP: Candle auctions are still with you with 26 seconds to go starting now.

KW: Then there's the other kind of candle auction which is a twisted one. Now, the ordinary candle is a straight size. The twisted...


NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Two twisteds.

NP: Two twisteds so Clement you have a correct challenge this time and 18 seconds...

KW: It's a disgrace, innit!

NP: ... on candle auctions Clement starting now.

CF: And as the wax drips slowly on to the auction room floor, the bids get ever and increasingly slower. Forty-eight pounds, says one man...


NP: Oh dear me, yes! How much slower could he have got before someone would have challenged him. Clement you increased your lead at the end of that round and of course you're still the overall leader. Kenneth Williams, your turn to begin...

KW: Well thank goodness for that!

NP: I would say we've heard from you quite a lot already Kenneth, even if you haven't been going on your own subject much. Nightingale, that is the subject that Ian Messiter's thought of for you and would you talk about it, 60 seconds starting now.

KW: Well of course the classic example would be Philomel, who complained bitterly about her husband's behaviour. And Zeus therefore said "you shall become a nightingale," and lovely were the sounds that issued from her. Of course, a more modern...


NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Repetition of of course.

NP: We er...

CF: He started with of course.

NP: Yes and as he started with it, I won't penalise him until he's really, on this occasion anyway. So keep going and we've 43 seconds on nightingale Kenneth starting now.

KW: A wonderful woman who started this hospital in Scutari with the aiding and abetting, one could say, of Sidney Herbert. (in Cockney accent) "Oh Sid, help me out!" she said...


KW: ...because the drains were terrible...

NP: Sheila Hancock has challenged you.

SH: Deviation, I'm quite sure Florence Nightingale never said (in impression of KW's voice) "oh Sid, help me out!"(posh voice) "Sir Sidney, give me a hand", she might have said.

NP: I'm sure she's probably more likely to have said, but we've no proof, have we, that she didn't suddenly do an impersonation of Kenneth Williams and say "oh Sid, help me out!" She might have after all, in her spare time, been the Kenneth Williams of her era and she...

SH: God forbid! He's unique to this age surely!

NP: Well all right, I was harsh on Clement Freud's correct challenge, I'll be harsh on yours Sheila. Leave the subject with Kenneth with 30 seconds to go starting now.

KW: And she is pictured today in the Mall there with her lamp. Always known as the lady with one! I'm not allowed to repeat the aforesaid vessel which had a bit of oil in the bottom, and a wick. And she said "nobody must get on my thing there" or otherwise she'll be furious. Up the hill she went, through snow and wind...


NP: I hope your cheer was for his deviation and hesitation and everything else that they let him get away with then, because that was a pretty saucy story. Ah but we did hear from you to good effect so you have moved forward with great rapidity into third place Kenneth. One point ahead of Peter, one point behind Sheila, and Clement Freud is still in the lead. And Sheila your turn to begin, the subject, obligations. Would you talk on that now for Just A Minute starting now.

SH: If I'm obliged to! I am always very envious of people who say they're going to do their own thing. Because it seems to me that if you are a human being, that is totally impossible while you have other people around you...

KW: Hear hear! Hear hear! Hear hear!

SH: ...because there are obligations which you must fulfil, towards your children and your parents. Mind you, i do honestly believe that a lot of people take these too seriously...


NP: Peter Jones challenged.

PJ: Repetition of people.

NP: Yes there was, I'm afraid, Sheila.

SH: Yes.

NP: So Peter has a correct challenge and a point and 42 and a half seconds, obligations starting now.

PJ: They're really very much the same as duties. And there is a feeling I think, abroad, in England, that er...


NP: Yeah what's your challenge?

KW: Hesitation.

NP: Yes, he hesitated because he's devious. He said abroad in England, and he's in England at the moment!

SH: That's abroad as well...

PJ: Well I could see his eyes, you know, flicker and his thumb seemed to go towards the buzzer, and I thought...

NP: Yes he gave a little quiver there...

PJ: Yes his nostrils were quivering, everything was going and er I thought I'm a dead duck!

NP: Well I'm afraid you were! So you hesitated, he got going and there are obligations now with you Kenneth with 24 seconds left starting now.

KW: (singing) I'll be wearing ribbons down my back...


NP: Sheila Hancock has challenged, why?

SH: Definite deviation!

KW: Nonsense! I had an obligation to sing that! That's an obligation laid upon me, by a man, who said "would you do I'll Have Ribbons Down My Back..."

NP: But you should have said that first! And then we would have established the fact that you've got an obligation. So Sheila has a point and 20 seconds now on obligations starting now.

SH: As long as they are a pleasure, I think they're a good thing. But when...


NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: Obligations by their very nature are the opposite of pleasure. What you do for pleasure is to satisfy yourself. An obligation is something you owe to other people. How can it be for pleasure?

SH: Oh you can have pleasure...

KW: What are you talking about? What a load of rubbish! You're obliged to pay the right fare but do you get pleasure out of it?

SH: You're obliged to look after your children and you could get pleasure out of it.

NP: Yes I think Sheila has given you a very good point...

KW: You're too quiet! Shout out! Make yourself heard!

NP: Stop playing to the audience now, you've had two very good points from Sheila and Peter. Sheila has another point and she has 16 seconds on obligations...

SH: Oh!

NP: ...starting now.

SH: And also looking after your mother and your father, I suppose, is a necessary...


NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Hesitation.

NP: Yes I agree Clement...

SH: At last!

NP: ..and so you have eight seconds on obligations starting now.

CF: The greatest obligation one has in this game is not to repeat oneself, not to hesitate and to keep to the subject...


NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: These are not obligations at all, these are rules of the game. Since when have rules been called obligations?

NP: You have an obligation to yourself to observe the rules. So I disagree with the challenge, Clement keeps the subject and there are three seconds left on obligations starting now.

CF: In line four, chapter two of the first book of Saint Luke's...


NP: All right so Clement was speaking then when the whistle went, he gained the extra point and er he has increased his lead at the end of that round. Kenneth Williams we now come to you. Kenneth the subject is outrage. Can you talk on that for 60 seconds starting now.

KW: I can, because I have been outraged! It was in the blackout in Baker Street actually. I don't know who done it and at the identification parade I said "as the incident transpired at night, I would need to feel him to know him". The officer said "I can't have none of that, our facilities don't extend that far." So I said "well, honour shall not be done that day," and swept out with my head high and a brave smile perpetually on my face which was omelette surli visage. For the benefit of those of you who don't know French, honi soit qui mal y pense, literally translated means honest sweat killed many a ponce! So underneath, un, un, un...


NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

KW: Oh but I was tripped by my own verbosity! That's what happened there!

NP: Yes well Clement managed to get in through your verbosity.

CF: Repetition of un.

NP: Yes. I'm afraid there was so Clement has another point and there are 20 seconds left on outrage with you Clement starting now.

CF: An occasion which I recall particularly occurred during the Napoleonic War when an ancestor of mine was molested by a woman of ill repute who grabbed his trousers, undid his pantaloons, removed his socks, and burnt his britches...


NP: Well I'm glad the whistle went first...

SH: Oh dear! Clement I...

NP: ...before we got any further with the story!

SH: I hope it wasn't your grandfather, it might account for why he wrote his books!

CF: The Napoleonic War. The Napoleonic War.

NP: So the Napoleonic Wars and that devious outrage for which he was not challenged kept going and claimed the extra point. Clement has increased his lead. But alas we have no more time to play Just a Minute so let me give you the final score. Peter Jones was just in fourth place, one point behind Kenneth Williams, one point behind Sheila Hancock who is quite a few points behind this week's winner, Clement Freud! We do hope you've enjoyed this edition of Just A Minute and will want to tune in again next time. Until then from all of us here, good-bye!


ANNOUNCER: The chairman of Just A Minute was Nicholas Parsons, the programme was devised by Ian Messiter and produced by Simon Brett.