JAM:KWilliams,CFreud,PJones,SHancock
WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE!

starring KENNETH WILLIAMS, CLEMENT FREUD, PETER JONES and SHEILA HANCOCK, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 11 November 1974)


THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: We present Kenneth Williams, Clement Freud, Peter Jones and Sheila Hancock in Just A Minute. And as the Minute Waltz fades away here to tell you about it is our chairman Nicholas Parsons.

NICHOLAS PARSONS: Thank you very much indeed, hello and welcome to Just A Minute. And once again I will ask our four contestants to speak if they can for just one minute on some subject I will give them without hesitation of course, without repetition of course, and without deviating from the subject of course, and without saying of course as I've just said it. And of course according to how well they do this, they will gain points or lose them. And let us begin the show this week with Clement Freud. Clement, are you ready?

CLEMENT FREUD: Yes.

NP: I thought for a moment he had fallen asleep before we started. Clement the subject is waiting rooms. Will you talk on that for Just A Minute starting now.

CF: When I go and see my dentist, he has a waiting room. And the house in which he practices is what is called mixed. That is to say there is a psychiatrist, a hypnotist, a acupuncture expert, and a physiotherapist and a veterinary surgeon, which I think does make the waiting room into the most exciting place. A man recently came in with a goose and had a long conversation with a woman who was unable to touch her left knee with her right elbow, to the consternation of almost everyone. But when it comes to teeth, especially molars and occasionally incisors, but I wouldn't say wisdom were totally out of it, then the practitioner whom I visit is perhaps the most brilliant. As for the magazines which abound in the waiting room as well as Sunday papers, journals, and these...

BUZZ

NP: Sheila Hancock has challenged with one half second to go.

SHEILA HANCOCK: Oh! Did I?

NP: Yes.

SH: Well let him go on then. I thought he hesitated but he didn't.

PETER JONES: Very good time to challenge!

NP: It was a good time to challenge, it was a good attempt, but I disagree. He didn't hesitate, he kept going with this unutterable rubbish about this waiting room.

SH: Yes!

NP: Which was very entertaining. Half a second on waiting rooms Clement, starting now.

CF: Nineteen-thirty-four...

WHISTLE

NP: So Clement Freud started with the subject, he finished with the subject, he kept going except for the half second. He's the only one to have scored any points in that round and he's the only one who has spoken almost so he is obviously in the lead. Peter Jones, will you begin the next round, the subject is digging peat. Could you talk about digging peat for 50 seconds, or 60 seconds, what did you put in that water that I had? Thirty seconds and another 30 seconds if you can starting now.

PJ: Well it's peat, is a wonderful substance. Because you can burn it on the fire, or you can put it in the soil and help the garden to develop and grow things in more easily. Now digging it is quite a problem. They do it actually in Shropshire where I come from, there's a huge area called Wixel Moss where this peat is dug in huge squares, blocks. And it's lifted on to barrows, taken to carts and then it is distributed all over the Great Britain, all over Great Britain...

BUZZ

KENNETH WILLIAMS: You shouldn't have gone back!

PJ: No, I meant to say the United Kingdom because...

NP: I know, you said the Great Britain, which was lovely, and so he tried to get it right. He knew they were all watching like hawks and lynxes. And Sheila Hancock got in first. Sheila your challenge?

SH: Deviation.

NP: Right. Twenty-nine seconds, digging peat starting now.

SH: Well I dig Pete Murray quite a lot. He's an attractive chap, tall he is, with nice sun, and a cheerful voice and disposition. Altogether I dig him very much indeed. Also...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams.

KW: We've had two dig him very muchs.

SH: Yes.

NP: Yeah but digging peat, you see, is the subject on the card. And so...

KW: She said I dig him very much.

NP: Oh that's right yes I'm sorry. You're right Kenneth...

KW: Do pull yourself together, dear!

NP: You have 12 seconds on digging peat starting now.

KW: This is something largely indulged in Erra. The Irish have a lot...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud.

CF: Deviation, it's called cutting peat in Erra.

KW: Well Kenneth Williams talks about digging peat, even if they talk about cutting peat in Erra. So that's the way he talks about and we know exactly what he's talking about, and that's the subject on the card. And there are five seconds to continue Kenneth starting now.

KW: The time to do it is when you put out a wee bowl of milk for the green man, and he comes around...

BUZZ

NP: Sheila Hancock.

SH: Who's dared to challenge!

SH: Deviation! It's a load of rubbish! You don't put out a bowl of milk...

KW: Do you think fairies, do you think fairies and gnomes and elfs are a load of rubbish? Is that what you think?

SH: Yes!

NP: No, she doesn't, she thinks it's a load of rubbish to put it out when you're digging peat! Or cutting peat! That was her challenge and I agree with that. You have one second on digging peat starting now.

SH: Pete Jones is one of my favourites...

WHISTLE

NP: Well at the end of that round a very even contest. Sheila your turn to begin, the subject is catching a bus. Would you talk on that for Just A Minute starting now.

SH: Well I should think to do this you would need a very large net. And perhaps you would climb up to the top of Trafalgar Square, Nelson Column, and cast it over the buses passing by, and loop it over the engine, and the back, and then lift it to the top of the column again and say...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Repetition of column.

NP: Yes.

SH: Yeah I couldn't say it again, you see.

NP: There are 40 seconds Clement on catching a bus starting now.

CF: This is a colloquial name given to getting on to an omnibus which in London is red, and I believe has two decks, although I do not have personal experience of such a mode of transport. I seem to remember...

BUZZ

NP: Sheila Hancock has challenged.

SH: Well let me inform you they don't all have two decks. You occasionally have one deck on red buses in London.

NP: Yews but, yes but it doesn't matter. He said they were buses in London which...

PJ: Well I didn't like his patronising manner!

SH: Nor did I!

PJ: Never having been near enough to a bus to know for sure whether it had got one deck or two! I mean it's just ludicrous!

SH: Hear hear!

NP: I didn't like his patronising manner...

PJ: Does he live in an ivory tower somewhere? I mean he can't see...

CF: It was better than climbing up Nelson's Column and throwing a net over it! I mean for stark realism...

NP: Maybe a lot of us didn't like his patronising manner, but he wasn't deviating from the subject. There are 23 seconds Clement for you to continue on catching a bus starting now.

CF: In order to facilitate the capture of buses, signs are put up on pavements, some of which say stop, and others request, meaning that only if the person holds up his left or possibly right hand will the driver of the vehicle slow down and come to a halt, in order to take on humanity desirous of using that vehicle to go...

WHISTLE

NP: So in future you know that if you use a bus, you're humanity desirous of using a vehicle! Right, Clement Freud with his er eloquence continued and went into the lead at the end of that round. Clement it's your turn to begin again and the subject is my hobby. Would you talk about that for Just A Minute starting now.

CF: The extraordinary thing is that my hobby is catching buses. I stand on pavements in towns and villages...

BUZZ

NP: Sheila Hancock has challenged.

SH: Deviation, he's already said he doesn't ever travel on buses.

NP: Yes I quite agree Sheila, therefore he cannot...

CF: I don't have enough time to indulge my hobby!

NP: You can't wriggle out of it that way Clement. I'm going to give it to Sheila Hancock and she has 53 seconds on my hobby starting now.

SH: I haven't got one!

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud got in.

CF: Hesitation.

NP: Hesitation is correct and Clement you have the subject back, 51 seconds, my hobby starting now.

CF: Flying a kite is something I have a tremendous preponderance for. Proclivity I would have said, only it's a word which Kenneth Williams likes to keep for himself, later in the programme. You sit on a bench, ideally in a park, holding on to a piece of string, at the end of which at ever increasing or occasionally decreasing distances is this box made of sawdust, wood, paper, cloth...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: You can't make a kite of sawdust!

CF: Yes you can.

NP: How?

CF: Sawdust is made into a sort of plastic material which is usually what kites are made of.

NP: Yes yes but ah...

CF: It is made of sawdust.

NP: The picture you, you're quite right Clement, the picture you conveyed was...

CF: Thank you! And you then go to Parliament Hill, fields or Regents park, sit...

NP: A point for an incorrect challenge, you have 22 seconds left, my hobby starting now.

CF: Wind is incredibly important for this. Because if the weather is clement, there isn't much hope of the thing going up to the levels at which it gives you total pleasure, let alone...

BUZZ

NP: Ah Sheila Hancock.

SH: Blatant hesitation.

NP: I'm not surprised. Um there are seven seconds Sheila for you on my hobby starting now.

SH: My hobby has suddenly become playing the piano. Because I have got to...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: Earlier on she said to this entire house that she hasn't got a hobby!

SH: I said suddenly...

KW: Now she says I play the piano! What a load of rubbish! I've never heard such blatant lying!

SH: I said it's suddenly become!

NP: She said...

SH: I've taken it up right this minute!

KW: Well you can't...

PJ: She's got a lovely piano made of sawdust which is a basic material!

NP: She's got a fly...

SH: From now on, my hobby is playing the piano!

NP: That's...

KW: You don't know the difference between the tonic sulfa and the 12 tone scale.

SH: I don't...

NP: No no, but her proclivities are all in the right...

KW: She's a choriscater, she's not a proclivi, pro, oh I can't...

NP: Sheila Hancock, I think you, you made your point very clearly and there are four seconds for you to continue on my hobby starting now.

SH: I'm going to enjoy it very much when I get home and open the...

WHISTLE

NP: Kenneth it's your turn to begin, another historical subject that Ian Messiter has decided upon for you. Hyerotitus, would you talk about that for 60 seconds starting now.

KW: A very complicated subject to be given to discuss in 60 seconds. I would have thought something more simple. However he was a native of Ethasus which was one of those golden cities which was the product of that marvellous Herlaniac renaissance which was so beautifully touched upon in Gates of Asia. And began his own school of philosophy there called the Ionina. And he is 500 BC, and propagates this incredible theory of dynamic ammonism, that what appears to be unity is in fact the warring tension between opposite factions. This idea that there can be such an extraordinary amount of volatile fluidity between say, hot and cold, heat and warmth, laughter and...

WHISTLE

NP: Well the audience obviously enjoyed it so much. Will you give us a repeat performance please? Kenneth you get um two points because you started with the subject and finished without being interrupted, but I'm afraid you're still in third place. Peter Jones will you begin the next round, the subject is calling the plumber. So would you talk about that for Just A Minute starting now.

PJ: This is something best done really on the telephone. Which is why it's best to have it always on a very...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud got in first.

CF: Repetition of best.

NP: Yes, there are 55 seconds for you Clement on calling the plumber starting now.

CF: Calling the plumber is one of the most famous of the square dances. First...

BUZZ

NP: Sheila Hancock has challenged.

SH: Hesitation.

NP: Yes he did, they all laughed and he hesitated. And there are 47, 48 seconds for you Sheila on calling the plumber starting now.

SH: Well I usually shout out "plumber!" And then he answers and comes across the road and...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: It is impossible! I have seen her house and it's quite impossible if she did scream out "plumber", that he would immediately come across the road. Quite impossible!

NP: Well she can still shout out...

KW: It's all lies! And he's got to come a long way to do it! It's absolute lies! And I'm not going to sit here and listen to it!

NP: Listen! She was not technically deviating because the plumber might even have been passing out in the street and she opened the window and called out "plumber", and he came in. So it is quite possible therefore...

SH: Quite right!

NP: ... she is not being devious and she keeps the subject...

CF: He could have been on a bus, couldn't he!

NP: Yes!

SH: Yeah!

NP: Yes, on top of a double decker bus with the intention of throwing her net out over him! There are 43 seconds Sheila on calling a plumber starting now.

SH: And he brings these long pipes called a snake and shoves them down my drain and unbungs it for me, pretty regularly, because it does seem to get filled with leaves often. However he is also good at making the lavatory flush when it should do and making washers go on the taps and water flow from them and fill the basin wherewith we wash. Hot, cold, warm, whatever you like. The shower will be adjusted to because when I have called a plumber, he arranges it to flow out on my head and my shower cap...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Deviation, it can't flow out of her head.

NP: If there was the water on her head, it will flow out of it, won't it?

SH: Did I say flow out of my head?

CF: It won't flow out.

NP: It won't flow out, you're quite right. But she did repeat flow anyway. There are nine seconds...

SH: Oh!

NP: ... on calling the plumber with you Clement starting now.

CF: Eustace Millhouse is the name that I shout when I need a plumber. Because he was, when his father and mother took him to the christening ceremony...

WHISTLE

NP: Once again Clement Freud was speaking when the whistle went and he gained that extra point of course and he has increased his lead over Sheila Hancock. But Sheila we're back with you to start so would you talk on the subject now of credit for Just A Minute starting now.

SH: This is something I don't get much of at the bank. It's usually debit in black writing. However when one does, it's a lovely feeling. Because it means you have saved a few pennies for your future. And that is indeed very important because...

BUZZ

NP: Ah Kenneth Williams.

KW: Deviation, it's not important at all because money is losing its value every week. So if you're saving, you're not doing yourself any good at all. I mean it's rubbish, she's telling people all this rubbish!

PJ: She has very high plumber's bills!

KW: Oh! (laughs heartily) Very nice! Lovely!

NP: And she, she must have a... Kenneth are you all right?

KW: (still laughing) Yes!

NP: Where were we? Who challenged?

SH: Me.

NP: Oh yes, you challenged on something didn't you Kenneth?

KW: Have you forgotten honestly, Nicholas?

NP: You challenged on the fact that it wasn't important to save.

SH: Yes.

NP: I think on the whole it's probably better to save something. If people saved a little and invested a little, they find they might be stronger. Sheila you have a point for an incorrect challenge, the subject is credit starting now.

SH: If you buy something in a shop and when you get home decide that you don't like it or it's too large for yourself or the person for whom you purchased it, then you return it to the said establishment, and they perchance will give you a credit note, which means that you can take it home and that...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud.

CF: Repetition of home.

NP: Yes I'm afraid so Sheila, so Clement has another point, he has the subject, 25 seconds, credit Clement starting now.

CF: If you have 25 seconds credit, it means that for that period of time you have every justification to bore your audience...

BUZZ

NP: Ah Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Repetition of have.

KW: Oh that's a tiny word, you can't, I mean, now look here. I often do the odd have or unhave, I mean...

PJ: Well his last challenge of Sheila was home, which is exactly the same length of word.

NP: The same length of word but one is a noun and the other one is a small verb which...

PJ: Oh that's an interesting new rule! Nouns are all right and verbs aren't?

NP: I did not say it was a rule!

KW: Don't get involved Nick! Don't get involved Nick! Keep out of it!

NP: I was trying to establish it was not a rule. But as it was a correct one, I have to give it to you. But we do resist the temptation sometimes on the haves. Right Peter, you have um 18 seconds on credit starting now.

PJ: Credit where it is due, now that is a boring cliche...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Repetition of is.

KW: (laughs heartily) Oh hoist with your own petard!

PJ: It's a verb!

KW: You've been hoist, you see, with your own petard!

NP: Um I hope Clement has brought home to you the point I was trying to make. And this will be a lesson to you both. There are 14 seconds on credit starting now.

CF: One of the most odious aspects of life in this country at the moment is the credit card whereby people are encouraged to purchase things which they don't really need, simply because a piece of cellophane bearing their name and a number...

BUZZ

NP: Ah Peter Jones.

PJ: That is not the most odious aspect of life in this country today.

SH: Hear hear!

KW: He said one of.

NP: He said one of.

PJ: It isn't even one of them!

SH: No!

NP: Oh it depends on your proclivities, doesn't it? I mean, it depends on your attitude. It could be, to Clement, one of the most serious.

PJ: Odious?

NP: He's entitled to say it, he's not deviating from the subject of credit. I must be fair and say he has one second on credit starting now.

CF: Shop.

WHISTLE

NP: I think the listeners will realise why they do resist the temptation sometimes to challenge on very small words. Because otherwise we might never get going. Clement we're back with you to start, the subject is pawns and would you talk about...

KW: What? The subject is what?

NP: Pawns!

KW: Good gracious me!

NP: Those little things that stand in front of the king and the queen and the knight and the rook and the castle...

KW: Oh.

NP: ... on the chessboard and elsewhere if you want. Ah 60 seconds with you Clement starting now.

CF: A few weeks ago in Oxfordshire, I went into a restaurant, picked up a menu, and saw pawn cocktail, four and sixpence. "How do you create this confection?" I inquired of the head waiter. And he explained that you took 18 fish and marinated them overnight in red wine, before adding a mayonnaise fashioned of egg yolk, oil, tomato ketchup, tabasco and other condiments. "Surely you mean prawn..."

BUZZ

NP: Sheila Hancock has challenged.

SH: I may be ignorant, but is it ketchup?

NP: No, I don't think it is.

SH: Is it ketchup?

NP: The trouble is I'm in a cleft stick again, because this ignoramus put down pawns instead of prawns, and he used red wine in it...

SH: Yes!

NP: So he might well have said ketchup!

SH: Ketchup yes!

NP: So what do we do?

CF: It was reported speech!

SH: I see.

NP: Yes, reported speech, well it's very rough. No points scored, Clement Freud keeps the subject, he has 27 seconds on pawns starting now.

CF: If you ever see a bus and you look on the top deck, you are almost bound to see pawns sitting there. Two by three and then four, with 18 standing towards the rear, ready to pull a chain...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones.

PJ: You won't find 18 people standing on top of a bus.

NP: No you won't.

PJ: You're not allowed to.

NP: Peter you have a correct challenge, there are 13 seconds on pawns starting now.

PJ: That's what I feel sometimes we are. Mere pawns, being pushed around by politicians and civil servants and all these other people in Whitehall who are just using us, as if it was some ghastly game in which...

WHISTLE

NP: Kenneth it's your turn to begin. Oh yes, what a good idea! Let's have the subject of fun, with you Kenneth to start, 60 seconds starting now.

KW: Well generally you've got to be in the mood for it. I always think it's no good imagining you can just come out with it. I mean need preparation, don't you. I mean if you're going to go in and do the odd joke or two, like, you know, what time, how long...

BUZZ

NP: Sheila Hancock has challenged.

SH: Well it's sort of hesitation...

NP: It wasn't much fun, was it! I agree with your challenge Sheila, you have 42 seconds on fun starting now.

SH: I think it is such fun playing just A Minute, with these lovely boys, being so kind to me! Being generous and helpful so that I always talk for 60 seconds or 30 sometimes, Nick asked us to speak for as a mistake...

BUZZ

SH: And I love...

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: I beg your pardon, I was just having fun!

NP: Oh! So give him a bonus point, he was having fun and fun is the subject on the card. We leave the subject with Sheila...

SH: Oh!

NP: She has 23 seconds on fun starting now.

SH: I can't think of anything to say. I don't seem to be having much fun lately. I'm up in the middle of the night with a screaming baby, saying "get up, I want to be fed", and nappies all over the place...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: No, that's absolute rubbish, because it was only last week when you told us what a marvellous baby it was!

NP: Yes! Ah Peter we agree with your challenge...

SH: Oh what an outrage!

NP: And there are 13 seconds for you on fun starting now.

PJ: Fun is something that none of us are getting enough of. And I think that we all ought to take our clothes off and get bottles of champagne and distribute them up and down Whitehall and all round this area, up and down the embankment...

BUZZ

NP: Sheila Hancock has challenged.

SH: Repetition of up and down.

NP: Yes, up and down.

PJ: Well we'd be going up and down a hell of a lot of we were in Whitehall distributing bottles of champagne.

NP: If I had bottles of champagne, I wouldn't take them up and down Whitehall, I'd keep a few for myself! And this nice audience who have been such fun. Because we only have one second left, and one second left in this game. And we have had fun haven't we?

SHOUTS OF "YES" FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: oh you are sweet, why don't you take... I'm going to give the last second of the show to the audience! Ladies and gentlemen of the audience, you have one second, all of you together to talk on the subject of fun starting now.

LOUD TALKING FROM THE AUDIENCE

WHISTLE

NP: Technically of course that last point should have gone to Sheila Hancock, as in one second she wouldn't have been interrupted. So she gets the point for speaking when the whistle went, and she almost made it. I will give you now the final result. Kenneth Williams and Peter Jones were equal in third place. They were quite a way behind Sheila Hancock, who was only one point behind this week's winner, Clement Freud!

KW: Oh well done, yes!

NP: We do hope you've enjoyed this edition of Just A Minute, from all of us here, good-bye!

THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: The chairman of Just A Minute was Nicholas Parsons, the programme was devised by Ian Messiter and produced by John Lloyd.