ANNOUNCER: We present Kenneth Williams, Clement Freud, Peter Jones and Sheila Hancock in Just A Minute. And as the Minute Waltz fades away here to tell you about it is our chairman Nicholas Parsons.

NICHOLAS PARSONS: Thank you, thank you very much indeed, and welcome once again to Just A Minute. And as you've just heard we welcome back to play the game Sheila Hancock, against our three regular male competitors. And once again I'm going to ask each of them to speak if they can for Just A Minute on some unlikely subject without hesitation, without repetition and without deviating from the subject on the card. And according to how well they do this, they will gain points or their opponents will gain points. Clement Freud, will you begin the game for us this week. And it is the chairman. Will you now talk to us for Just A Minute on the subject of the chairman starting now.

CLEMENT FREUD: I first met the chairman when we were at school together. I recall very well walking through the courtyard, and a boy came up to me. And he was tall, fair haired, distinguished, good looking, erect, proud. And he said to me "I'd like to introduce you to Nicholas Parsons." And behind there came a small, grubby, sprivaceous, grotty...


NP: Sheila Hancock has challenged. Why?

SHEILA HANCOCK: Deviation, because Nicholas Parsons isn't small and scrubby and grotty.

CF: He was then!

NP: I think... I'll put it to the audience. Do you agree with Sheila's challenge? I'm not going to adjudicate on what I was like at that age. So if you agree with Sheila, do you know how small and scrubby and grotty I was at that age? If you do... you don't?


NP: I haven't even got to put it to you. They agree with you Sheila. Thank you very much for coming to my defence in that admirable way. I...


NP: Thank you audience for clapping, all four of you. And... glad to have you back on the show Sheila to defend people's honour...

SH: I thought you might be!

NP: ...and integrity...

SH: What's the subject?

NP: Thirty-two seconds, having gained a point for the chairman starting now.

SH: And he is tall and fair with the most beautiful blue eyes. And the judgment of Solomon he gives on this programme. Ever honest, ever discreet...


NP: Clement Freud has challenged. Why?

CF: Repetition of ever.

SH: Well he can't...

CF: Ever honest, ever discreet.

NP: Yes but she was being so charming!

KENNETH WILLIAMS: Yes! Quite right!

CF: Yes!

NP: Sheila gets a point and there are 20 seconds...

SH: A bit crawly!

NP: ...to continue er...

SH: Today he has on an orange tie. This is for the benefit of the listeners. And a beautiful...


NP: Peter Jones has challenged, why?

PETER JONES: Hesitation.

NP: Yes I think there was, I'm afraid.

SH: All right.

NP: Yes Peter, you have a point, 16 seconds for the chairman starting now.

PJ: I'll pick up the threads of the clothes that he's wearing, including the fawn jacket and matching trousers...


NP: Kenneth Williams why have you challenged?

KW: Deviation, he can't pick up the threads, otherwise I, would mean you were threadbare or something! I mean...

NP: I'm not going to take my top garments off and show you how threadbare I am underneath. So therefore you are not to judge how threadbare I might be. And anyway he can metaphorically speaking, take up the threads of the recent conversation. So I disagree with your challenge and Peter has a point, 10 seconds Peter to continue with the chairman starting now.

PJ: He's wearing very crumpled cream socks underneath dark brown suede shoes. He's just holding up his left leg so that you can get a better view of it! His right leg...


KW: Oh!

NP: So at the end of that round, thanks to the clothes I was wearing and Peter's apt description of them, Peter Jones has jumped into a commanding lead of one! Sheila Hancock it is your turn to begin and the subject is the love of my life.

SH: Oh there's so many!

NP: Can you reveal that to us in 60 seconds starting now.

SH: Well he's a little short man, with a face like a gnome. Sometimes he's beautiful, sometimes he's quite funny. He has...


NP: Clement Freud has challenged, why?

CF: Repetition of Nicholas Parsons again!

NP: Certainly no repetition of Nicholas Parsons! So I'm afraid I disagree with the challenge and Sheila has another point and there are 42 seconds for the love of my life Sheila starting now.

SH: Well at that moment he's tall and fair and wearing a fawn suit and yellow tie, because he gave the judgment in my favour. But the love of my life, a minute ago, was this little feller who has the most expressive bottom in the business! He also has a great big range of voices which he uses at every available opportunity. I've never declared this in public but I've known him for years and it's been burning my heart! And I've longed to tell the world and now I will! I adore him from the bottom of my soul! And everybody has always known it...


NP: Clement Freud has challenged you.

SH: Eh?

NP: He's challenged you!

KW: Well he's got no right to challenge her! She was doing lovely, wasn't she! She was doing really lovely, that girl!

NP: Yes...

KW: More power to her elbow!

SH: (laughs)

NP: I think it was... Clement why did you challenge?

CF: It wasn't the elbows, it was the bottom!

NP: I know it was the bottom, I'm afraid.

CF: Repetition of.

KW: Well it's a very nice behind! She's got every right!

SH: Deviation?

KW: What's the matter with you? Oh he's a spoilsport! They should never have had him on this show!

NP: I'll tell you what Kenneth. Um, I think I can be quite subtle here, because the first time she was talking about your bottom, and the second time she was talking about the bottom of her heart.

SH: Yes!

KW: Aaaaaahhh! Brilliant! Oh he's a very good judge! What a judge!

NP: I do think so, but I'm going to give it to Sheila Hancock...

KW: Yes!

NP: ...because everybody else wants to hear about the love of her life and there...

KW: Yes!

SH: Oh dear!

NP: ... are 20 seconds left for the love of my life Sheila starting now.

SH: We were in a show years ago, and he was so kind to me that I couldn't help but love him, and give him my ever-lasting devotion. Mind you, sometimes he traced...


NP: Kenneth Williams why have you challenged?

KW: Deviation, she didn't give me ever-lasting devotion! One night when I come into her room, she said "shut up!" She said to me "shut up!" She said that to me! I'm going in, I came in there and I said "hello darling, how are you.."

SH: (trying vainly to be heard above the tirade) I didn't...

KW: And she said "shut your great mouth," she said! She was very rude to me, so that's not everlasting devotion, is it!

NP: Well I don't know, she might have been so filled with passion so that was the only way she could express it. Perhaps you weren't responding to the love and now she was being antagonistic.

SH: Anyway I haven't said I'm talking about him!

NP: No, of course you haven't!

KW: Oh! I thought it was all about me!

NP: Sheila Hancock gets another point and there are 10 seconds left for the love of my life Sheila starting now.

SH: And this feller lives in Macclesfield and his name is Fred Smith. He happens to look a bit like Kenneth Williams but is nothing to do with him at all...


KW: Oh! That was great!

NP: Well the love of her life has taken Sheila at the end of that round into a commanding lead. She now leads Peter Jones by three. Peter Jones it's your turn to begin, the subject, getting in a flap. Can you go on that subject for Just A Minute starting now.

PJ: I've been camping all over England and Wales and also in Italy and France. But perhaps the best place for it, is New South Wales, the hinterland of which, or as it's better known sometimes as the Great Outback, is unrivalled for panoramic views...


NP: Sheila Hancock, a very loud challenge.

SH: Deviation, what's this got to do with getting in a flap?

NP: Well to my way of thinking, he was going to talk about a tent flap you see.

SH: Ah!

NP: That was what was on my mind.

SH: Oh all right then.

NP: Yes.

SH: Go on then!

NP: So um Peter I disagree with the challenge so you gain a point and you have 40 seconds left for getting in a flap starting now.

PJ: Beautiful country though it is, the weather, unlike Mr Freud, is not always clement! And when the southerly bus... blusters...


NP: Clement Freud why have you challenged?

CF: Hesitation.

NP: Yes I think so on that occasion. So there are 29 seconds for you Clement in getting in a flap starting now.

CF: One definition of getting into a flap is losing your mind, not being able to say what you mean to say, being flustered or becoming somewhat worried about what was going to happen. This is something which happens much more to Mr Jones, Miss Hancock, Mr Williams and indeed yourself if I may...


NP: Kenneth Williams why have you challenged?

KW: Well this is all so boring! Deviation.

NP: Why?

KW: Well, the discussion about Miss Hancock and all these things. I mean...

NP: But you see as long as you keep to the subject on the card, it doesn't matter how boring or tedious or unebullient you may be...

KW: Oh!

NP: ...you are not committing any...

PJ: He didn't mind him, Sheila, talking about him! When she thought he was talking about him he didn't object to that, did he?

KW: But it wasn't boring! It was lovely!

NP: So as much as I appreciate the, the er feeling behind the challenge, it wasn't a correct one Kenneth. So Clement Freud has another point and there are six seconds for getting in a flap Clement starting now.

CF: Open the buttons, pull forward the material, jump into it head first...


NP: On this occasion Clement Freud was speaking when the whistle went and so he gains the extra point on that occasion. But Sheila Hancock is still leading. We're back to you Kenneth, your turn to begin, Caliostro. Can you talk about him for Just A Minute starting now.

KW: Well of course, one really thinks of the real name which was Gioseppi or Giseppi Balsamo. And he was some sort of prestidigitator or alchemist. Said he could convert base metal into gold and obviously kidded Marie Antoinette because he was at that court for a long time. And got strangely mixed up with this diamond necklace affair, you know. Of course, she never said all this stuff about "let them eat cake". It's all rubbish you know! She'd come from the Offberg in Vienna which was very bare and gloomy and found Fontainbleu...


NP: Sheila Hancock's challenged you, why?

SH: Oh I hesitate to challenge in case you give it to me! He's talking about Marie Antoinette, isn't he? Not about...

KW: Because Caliostro was at her court! He was her alchemist! Oh you are raving mad!

SH: But you've got to talk about him! Not about...

NP: I must explain to the listeners that Kenneth Williams has now left his seat and put his fists up and challenged Sheila Hancock to do battle here. Sheila says she's prepared to do so, so Kenneth's gone back to his seat! But I think....


NP: ...that Kenneth fairly well established that Caliostro was at Marie Antoinette's court and so I think it was relevant Sheila. And so Kenneth gains a point and he keeps the subject and there are 19 seconds left starting now.

KW: So he produced this great lump of lead and said "before your very eyes this is going to become this glittering thing, you see". Promising her that he was going to turn it into this rare mineral. I won't say the name again because I'll be repeating myself...


NP: Clement Freud has challenged, why?

CF: It's deviation, he's talking about repeating himself instead of about um Caliostro.

NP: Yes he was talking about repeating himself, but he was still referring to what Caliostro did. Therefore he wasn't deviating from the subject of Caliostro. So He has another point and there are four seconds left Kenneth starting now.

KW: So she said "think on these things" and he thunk on them...


KW: No, I mean...

NP: So Kenneth Williams was then speaking when the whistle went so he gained not only the extra point, but he was the only one to get any points because he started with the subject and finished with it. And he's now in second place behind our leader who is still Sheila Hancock. Clement Freud it is your turn to begin, the subject roses. Can you talk to us about roses for Just A Minute starting now.

CF: Roses are flowers that come in different colours. And for some extraordinary reason seem to be called after people who forced, drew, or otherwise made them come up. There is for instance one bloom called PJ Wilkinson which was invented by a man who lived on the outskirts...


NP: Peter Jones, why have you challenged?

PJ: Couldn't have been invented. A rose can't be invented.

NP: No, it can't be invented, it is created, it is nurtured, it is crafted. But hardly what you said. Therefore Peter I agree with your challenge and there are 41 seconds for roses starting now.

PJ: It's lovely to wander among them as they grow in Queen Mary's garden, one of my favourite walks in London. All varieties, Lady Wilkinson and Lady Blenkinsopp, and others...


NP: Clement Freud's challenged, why?

CF: Two Ladies.

NP: I'm afraid there were two Ladies. So Clement I agree with the challenge, 30 seconds for you to continue with roses starting now.

CF: Aided by one small laboratory assistant who answered to the name of Ronson...


NP: Peter Jones has challenged, why?

PJ: Hesitation. He hesitated.

CF: The only way he answered if you're hesitating is to say R-r-ronson!

NP: I think...

CF: Otherwise he...

PJ: Well you should have made that clear before you hesitated.

CF: I did! I did! I said...

PJ: If you'd said "as he hesitatingly replied... Swanson!"

NP: Don't you give any tricks away! You keep that one for yourself!

PJ: Yes well that's quite...

NP: No I agree with your challenge, I think Clement out of his own mouth has committed himself by saying that's the only way to do it by hesitating. There are 23 seconds for roses Peter starting now.

PJ: And of course there are many other parks in London, and the provinces too. We mustn't forget the further reaches of this great country which is very rich in flowers and all growing things. Trees and grass and whatnot. But perhaps more beautiful than any of these green things are the er purple yellow...


NP: Clement Freud has challenged, why?

CF: Repetition of things.

NP: Yes there was! Yes! I'd love to see him growing whatnot. That's what I was laughing about Peter. I'm afraid you did repeat things so Clement Freud gets the subject back just before the whistle, only two seconds left, roses Clement, starting now.

CF: While there were some who said the extra two ounces were...


NP: Sheila Hancock it is your turn to begin, the subject is Hollywood. So can you talk to us about Hollywood for 60 seconds starting now.

SH: There are oaks and poplars and elms. All sorts of lovely trees in Hollywood, Berkshire. I used to go there a lot when I was a small child. And I enjoyed wandering under the shady boughs, like a little baby in the wood. However there is another definition of this name. It is in America, and a little while ago I...


NP: Clement Freud why have you challenged?

CF: It's deviation, it's not a definition of a name.

SH: Oh. Isn't it?

CF: It's a geographical location.

SH: That's true. That's true.

NP: Yes it's not a definition. That is a perfectly valid point, yes, specially we didn't, I wasn't allowing you to invent a rose. So Clement you get a point and the subject, 35 seconds, Hollywood starting now.

CF: Hollywood in Berkshire is near a place called California in England because that county in which Windsor Castle is located does have a penchant for naming places entirely unsuitably and misleadingly. When I was a small boy I went to school not far from Hollywood. I was taken there to go on a plastic lake and jump into a sssscotton wool...


NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Hesitation.

CF: Whatever!

NP: Yes I think so, a scotton wool! So Peter I agree with the challenge and you have a point and there are seven seconds for Hollywood Peter starting now.

PJ: The birthplace of my late wife. I say that in the sense not that she's dead, but no longer here, or at least not arrived yet...


NP: Kenneth Williams looking very surprised and shocked! Peter Jones it's your turn to begin. What a delightful subject that Ian Messiter's thought of for you, keeping up with the Joneses. Sixty seconds starting now.

PJ: I don't know who it was who coined or invented this phrase. But I am willing to bet that it was many years ago. And whoever did er suggest the phrase first...


NP: Clement Freud, why have you challenged?

CF: Repetition of phrase.

NP: Yes, I'm afraid you repeated your phrase. So er Clement Freud you have a point and you take over the subject with 47 seconds left, keeping up with the Joneses starting now.

CF: When a friend of mine joined the circus, the very first job that he was given was to help the men on the trapeze who were the three brothers by the name of Jones. And his job was to sit on the seat...


NP: Kenneth Williams why have you challenged?

KW: Job twice, repetition.

CF: Quite right!

NP: Yes! Don't, don't be so er, Kenneth, you look very sort of... um...

KW: Po-faced?

NP: No!

KW: Well I should because I haven't spoken for ages!

NP: You're looking very hurt...

KW: Furious I am! Glowering I am! Smarting under the snub!

NP: I haven't snubbed you, I just said you looked hurt, I was concerned for you!

KW: Well there you are!

NP: I want to bring you back in the game!

KW: Yes!

NP: I want you to enjoy it!

KW: Back in the fold, yes!

NP: Your ebullience and your...

KW: We need all that!

NP: Yes! So you're back with us...

KW: Yes!

NP: ...because you gained a well deserved point...

KW: What's the subject? What's the subject?

NP: The subject is keeping up with the Joneses...

KW: Oh!

NP: And there are 35 seconds to continue starting now.

KW: Well of course this really refers to a kind of suburban snobbery whereby somebody says they've got it next door, why shouldn't we have it! I personally think it's a load of rubbish! Because I don't want what people have got mostly next door anyway! When I see...


NP: Sheila Hancock challenged you, why?

SH: Repetition of next door.

NP: Yes!

KW: Oh you've got a nerve!

NP: But she also needs a point, she hasn't had one for about two rounds. So Sheila you have a well deserved point and there are 18 seconds for keeping up with the Joneses starting now.

SH: If this refers to Peter, sitting in my left, it's a very easy matter. Because he moves rather slowly. Many's the time I've walked down the street with him, and I've found it no effort at all to even overtake him. So therefore I would say that this is a simple matter...


NP: Well Sheila Hancock was then speaking as the whistle went so she's gained two points in that round. Kenneth Williams your turn to begin, Joseph Michael Montgolfier is the subject that Ian Messiter's chosen for you and can you talk to us about him for 60 seconds starting now.

KW: Well Montgolfier said to his brother Jacques "here! Why don't we go up in this balloon?" And they in fact invented one and went up in it. And they said it was marvelous because you just floated through the silence of the atmosphere, savouring almost an uncanny feeling of poetic majesty as clouds sailed by in the azure blue of the heavens! And pointing out below little landmarks of a steeple or a church, nay! Or a garden or river flowing gently, say winding down to an England port where they are unloading bales of hay or a...


NP: Peter Jones you've challenged. Why?

PJ: It sounds like a lot of hot air!


NP: I think you're right but can you be a bit more precise in your challenge.

PJ: Well he kind of made er...

NP: You mean he was deviating from the, what Montgolfier did...

PJ: Yes!

NP: ...into describing the picturesque English countryside.

PJ: I think it's fair to say that, yes!

NP: So Peter you have a point and there are seven seconds for Joseph MIchael Montgolfier starting now.

PJ: Didn't actually invent the balloon, but merely made a plan for such a ...


NP: Sheila Hancock challenged, why?

SH: Oh I hate to do it, hesitation.

NP: Well if you hate to do it why did you do it?

SH: Ah well because it's a game. You have to play the game Peter.

PJ: Quite.

SH: Play it fair.

NP: I think it was so border-line and as there's only two seconds to go, I think I must put it in fairness to the audience, let them judge. I hate to judge...

PJ: That's just mob rule, you know, that is!

NP: Well I've got to go for mob rule now, because it's absolutely equal, there really is one point separating everyone.

PJ: Well I know, I don't...

KW: (like a race commentator) There's only one point separating the contestants, only one point separating the contestants...

PJ: Well I'll yield!

NP: You're going to yield!

KW: Only one point...

PJ: Yes I'll yield.

NP: I wouldn't mind giving it to Sheila Hancock... Shut up Kenneth!

KW: (race commentator) We're in the last quarter here, the last quarter here. Peter Jones is just off the pace and Sheila Hancock is leading. Yes as I was saying...(goes into high-speed gibberish)

NP: Have you finished Kenneth?

KW: I'm throbbing with it!

NP: I know you are. Do you want to go somewhere and then we'll continue.

KW: Oh well, after!

NP: Right, Peter Jones says he wants to yield to Sheila Hancock, it's all getting very er intimate, isn't it! We give Sheila a point and there are two seconds Sheila for you on Joseph Michael Montgolfier starting now.

SH: This gentleman went up...


NP: Well as Sheila was speaking when the whistle went she got the extra point. So it means that she is one point in the lead. If it had been the other way round and Peter hadn't yielded he would now be one point in the lead. It's very interesting isn't it really! By the way I'm not certain of my facts but I believe the facts are that neither of these inventors ever went up in the balloon. They sent other people which I think is a...

SH: Very wise!

NP: ...a safe way of inventing things. Clement Freud, the subject is now with you and it is journalism. Can you talk for Just A Minute on journalism starting now.

CF: Journalism can be said to be a secondary art. The primary one being writing, and this one coming when nobody will publish long books or tracts. But there are people prepared to print small snippets of information, like quote "nothing much happened in Chile today", unquote, which is the sort of headline you will find in Fleet Street journals, on sale at any good newsagent in towns, cities, even villages. I am a journalist in as much as nobody will employ me in other capacities, always excepting panel games on the British Broadcasting Corporation and occasionally selling pigeons on Blackpool Beach. Recently I was there saying "half a crown, who wants one?" And a man said "I would very much care to have a pigeon.."


NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged, why?

KW: Repetition of pigeon.

CF: How rotten, it was pigeons, pigeon.

NP: It was rotten but..

CF: I said pigeons...

NP: Yes?

CF: ...and pigeon.

KW: I beg your pardon, I do withdraw my challenge. I'm terribly sorry.

NP: No, it sounded like a repetition of the word and I think it was. So as it's so close I've got to be very... very accurate here. So Kenneth you have a point and there are seven seconds for journalism starting now.

KW: Well contrary to what Clement Freud said, it is not an aaaart at all. It is to do with...


NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Art doesn't have three syllables. He hesitated terribly! Strung it out!


NP: (laughs)

PJ: Spinning it out hopelessly!

NP: Well I know why, you see, he now knows what the game's about! He knows there's only two seconds to go and he's coming in with any old challenge!

PJ: I don't... I rather resent that. Any old challenge! Perfectly good challenge!

NP: It was a good challenge but it's not an accurate one, I'm not going to allow it.

KW: I'm afraid it was accurate. He's right, I was spinning it, I was spinning it out.

NP: You always spin it out, we know that! You always spin it out! If I had to give it to you, against you now for spinning it out, I should have given it to you a hundred times before.

KW: Oh I see your point! I'm sorry!

NP: Everybody has his style of speech and unless you overplay your style...

KW: That's true!

NP: ...and you weren't overplaying then, I must give it to you Kenneth and there are two seconds for journalism starting now.

KW: It's simply putting down the stuff that appears in the papers...


NP: Well I had a very difficult decision to make in the last one, as you saw it was so keen because if I'd given that decision to Peter Jones, we would have had three equal winners. Instead of that we have two in second place, which is Peter Jones and Clement Freud, one point behind this week's winner Sheila Hancock! And we do hope that you've enjoyed this particular edition of Just A Minute, from all of us here good-bye!


ANNOUNCER: The chairman of Just A Minute was Nicholas Parsons, the programme was devised by Ian Messiter and produced by David Hatch.