ANNOUNCER: We present Kenneth Williams, Clement Freud, Peter Jones and Sheila Hancock in Just A Minute. An as the Minute Waltz fades away here to tell you about it is our chairman Nicholas Parsons.

NICHOLAS PARSONS: Thank you, thank you very much, hello and welcome to Just A Minute. And as you just heard we welcome back to take the fourth chair, or the lady's chair as it's sometimes referred to, Sheila Hancock. Sheila once again is going to pit her wits and knowledge and ability against our three regular male competitors of Just A Minute. And they're going to try and speak if they can for 60 seconds on some unlikely subject without hesitation, without repetition and without deviating from the subject on the card. So let us begin the show this week with Kenneth Williams. Kenneth can you talk about traumatic experiences for 60 seconds starting now.

KENNETH WILLIAMS: It is extraordinary how this clinical word has now crept into what we all know as current usage. It was, technically speaking, the province of doctors that this word was in before. But now...


NP: Sheila Hancock has challenged you.

SHEILA HANCOCK: Repetition of word.

NP: Yes, yes, you had two words I'm afraid there um Kenneth. So I agree with Sheila's challenge for repetition, so she gets a point and the subject of traumatic experiences and there are 44 seconds left Sheila starting now.

SH: The first, and I suppose one of the greatest traumatic experiences that you can have is birth. What a terrible shock it must be to come out of all that cosiness into this great big frightening world. And it's no surprise that you spend the rest of your life in a state of total shock. And you finish up with another traumatic experience which is death which must be equally startling when you wake up and find yourself wherever you do after that...


NP: Clement Freud has challenged.


NP: Why?

CF: It hasn't been proved that you wake up after death!

SH: It hasn't been proved that you don't!

KW: Aaaaaaahhhh very good point!

PETER JONES: I think you can assume that death is a shock from which few people recover!

KW: Who asked you to put your oar in!

PJ: Well you don't, nobody sits around waiting to be invited in this game!

NP: No, I quite agree Peter!

PJ: It'd be the Kenneth Williams Half Hour!

NP: Sheila I disagree with Clement's challenge so you gain a point for a wrong challenge, you keep the subject and there are 19 seconds left on traumatic experiences starting now.

SH: Another pretty startling one is the first time...


NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Repetition of startling.

NP: Yes you did have startling once before.

SH: Oh did I?

NP: Yes I'm afraid, so Sheila, there are now 12 seconds, I'm sorry, there are now 16 seconds left on traumatic experiences with you Clement starting now.

CF: It is very strange that few people realise traumatic experience comes from the German, traum, a dream. In fact traumatic experiences are dreamlike occasions...


NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: Dream twice.

NP: No, no, he didn't say... he said dreamlike then. The word was dream before.

KW: You know what he's doing!

NP: I didn't hear you Kenneth...

KW: He said the word derives from the German which means dream...

CF: No.

KW: ... and it means a shock when you're in a dreamlike state. So he said dream twice.

NP: What did you... you didn't... what did you say Clement then?

CF: Dreamlike. Not dream.

NP: Dreamlike. I'm going to ask the audience, I don't know. Would you...

CF: Oh don't ask the audience!

NP: Why not?

CF: No point!

NP: But when we get an impossible or difficult decision to make...

CF: I've got... this should be a simple decision for a chairman to make. A man says dream and then he says dreamlike.

NP: Yes well that's all right...

CF: I would have said it's absolutely all right.

KW: No, the word's not hyphenated, so therefore the word dream occurs twice in your speech and therefore it's against the rules and I should have the subject!

NP: In other words, you want the subject Kenneth, but dreamlike is a word, so Clement Freud has a point for an incorrect challenge and there are four seconds left starting now.

CF: Many other words like traumatic experience...


NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Repetition of like.

KW: Oooohhh yes!

PJ: Well if he didn't repeat dream, he must have repeated like!

NP: No, no... he had dream and dreamlike...

PJ: Now I know it's a very difficult decision and I know you've got laryngitis and I know you're afraid you may get a lot of letters! But it is definitely my point! And I am in the lead!


SH: Oh good on you Peter! Quite right!

NP: Well you do see Peter, that even if you don't play like Kenneth Williams, it's good to try and play like Kenneth...

SH: Yes you should stick up for yourself more Peter! They do you down in this game!

PJ: Yes I know they do, yes, I have had about as much as I can stand Sheila! I don't mind telling you!

NP: I'm afraid Peter, as much as we appreciated your panache there, um, he didn't repeat the word like, it was dreamlike.

PJ: He didn't repeat the word like?

NP: No, so he has a point, I'm afraid. You tried very hard, there's only one second to go...

SH: Oh!

NP: It's with you Clement Freud, one second to go starting now.

CF: Hello there!


NP: Well in spite of the attacks on all sides, Clement Freud kept going successfully, to speak when the whistle went. And as you know by now, when the whistle goes it tells us that 60 seconds are up, and at that particular moment whoever is speaking gains an extra point. Clement Freud is now definitely in the lead. And Peter Jones, would you go on the next round please and the subject is potpourri (pronouncing it as poe pourri). Would you talk on that...

CF: Poe!

NP: ... starting... what?

SH: Pot pourri (pronouncing with T).

CF: The T is actually pronounced.

NP: Is it?

CF: Yes!

NP: Well if you want to...

CF: Do you want to try again?

NP: ... we'll have a pot pourri (pronouncing the T).

SH: No I don't, it's poe pourri, isn't it?

CF: No...

NP: Poe pourri... what do you say Clement Freud?

CF: Good evening.

NP: No! How do you pronounce it Kenneth?

KW: It's not confirmed nor unconfirmed.

NP: How do you pronounce it Sheila?

SH: Well I think it can either be poe pourri or potpourri.

NP: Yes exactly, well said, that's exactly what I was doing.

PJ: So how would you like me to pronounce it, I mean, I'm the one that's got to talk about it! When you decide, if you tell me...

NP: I will put it to the audience. How would you like Peter to pronounce it?


NP: The audience wanted potpourri.

SH: Ignorant lot! Ignorant lot!

PJ: They're not, they're quite right!

NP: If you're French you say poe pourri, but the audience, being English, wanted potpourri from you.

PJ: Yes.

NP: Sixty seconds starting now.

PJ: Well it's something that I associate with old English cottages and gardens, with holly hocks and roses round the door, and pansies and Sweet William and old flowers...


KW: I got that reference! Pansies and Sweet Williams! I'm not going to site here! I'm not going to sit here and take that lying down! That's what he meant about earlier, about he'd had enough!This must be his comeback, innit! It's a crafty comeback! He's gone red! Look at him! Yes!

PJ: I've nothing to conceal!

SH: You should know Peter hasn't the slightest idea what you're talking about!

NP: I know! Were you challenging for repetition of old?

KW: No I realise it was a wrong challenge, I withdraw that. I'm terribly sorry Peter.

NP: You should have thought very quickly and said he repeated old, and you could have had him on repetition.

KW: Ah I wasn't quick enough! The old brain matter!

NP: There are 47 seconds left for you now Peter on poe pourri, sorry, potpourri starting now.

PJ: Now get as many petals from these fragrant blooms, blossoms, as you can, dry them in the sunshine, if you can find any. And then when they are really crisp and fragrant, drop them into a bowl or other er...


NP: Sheila Hancock challenged.

SH: Hesitation.

NP: Yes, what were you searching for?

PJ: Well I was trying to avoid using that pot, you know, because I had an idea, er I know it's nothing, er...

NP: I think you...

PJ: Because you said poe pourri and I imagine keeping all these things in a poe, you know! It wouldn't be right at all and wouldn't provide the right odour...


PJ: I wish I hadn't ever had anything to do with it at all!

NP: I gave an alternative pronunciation so you could take it the other way, and I accepted it the other way.

PJ: I know, yes, how unfortunate.

NP: There are 28 seconds with you Sheila on potpourri starting now.

SH: Often these things are in jars or they can be in a little sachet. And the idea is, I think, to keep it amongst your undies or your handkerchiefs, and that imparts a nice fragrance for you to carry around with you. It may have started, like most of these personal things, around the time of the plague where people waved things around in front of them to prevent themselves getting a disease. In those days they probably were an orange...


NP: So Sheila kept going then successfully, and spoke when the whistle went, gained the extra point and has taken the lead at the end of that round. Clement Freud would you please begin the next round, the subject is peanuts. Can you talk on peanuts...

CF: Very difficult to do.

NP: ...for 60 seconds starting now.

CF: Peanuts are also known as monkey nuts and come in outer husks, containing an inner olious kernel which can be squeezed to provide oil.


CF: Hesitation.

NP: Sheila challenged.

SH: Well he said it himself, hesitation.

NP: Yes and the fact that he completely dried up after 15 seconds which is so unusual, nobody could believe it and nobody dared challenge. Sheila you got in first and you have 45 seconds on peanuts starting now.

SH: You can have these salted, and very tasty they are too. Monkeys like them quite a lot, and children take them into the zoo and feed the animals with them. They also are nice in brownies which is a sort of biscuit that you can put them into and they're very crunchy and nice. They are...


NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: Two nices.

NP: Yes, yes it was too nice. There are 27 seconds on peanuts now with you Kenneth starting now.

KW: It is a stinkingly uninspiring subject. All I can say is when you get them into your mouth...


NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Deviation from peanuts.

NP: Eh?

CF: This is a stinkingly unexciting subject has nothing to do with peanuts.

KW: The subject is peanuts, I was...

NP: Yeah it is peanuts and he said this was a stinkingly un, un...

KW: Uninspiring subject.

NP: So Kenneth you have a point and you have 23 seconds on peanut starting now.

KW: (in snobbish Scottish high pitched woman's voice) "Oooohhh what an itching under me wee plate", he cried as a bit of the nut shell lodged there. And I said "what's for tea?" "Oooohhh verooes on toast for you," she said, "my man." I said "after peanuts, do you think it goes?" "Oooooh you can have them..."


NP: Sheila Hancock challenged.

SH: Repetition of ooooooooohhhhh!

KW: That's how she talks, you great fool! (in woman's voice again) Ooohhh do you fancy some pickled pork?

NP: That's how she talks...

KW: (continues to talk unintelligibly in this bizarre voice)

NP: Yes, yes, well, (in Scottish accent) if you're going to go like that, you're going to impersonate her, then it is a repetition because there were too many ooohhs and there are four seconds now with you Sheila on peanuts starting now.

SH: It's also a rather attractive little strip cartoon fellow...


NP: Sheila Hancock again was speaking when the whistle went so has increased her lead at the end of that round. And Sheila we'd like you to begin the next round and the subject is a bad night. Can you talk to us about that...

SH: It's a dodgy one, innit!

NP: Yes the mind begins to... yes! A boggle minding one... a mind boggling one! A boggle minded chairman to talk about a mind boggling question. A bad night Sheila, 60 seconds starting now.

SH: A bad night starts with Ellie Jane being difficult about going to bed and carries on from there. When I've eventually hurled her into her room, I go down exhausted and I've run out of scotch. And then I sit there and watch pretty abysmal television which invariably is myself. And I go to bed...


NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: Well yes, deviation, how could it invariably be herself that she watches on television?

SH: It's invariably abysmal.

KW: We're to assume that she's got domination over every channel, are we? I invariably watch myself!

SH: I meant...

KW: Oh you meant what you said, my girl! So shut your mouth! Shut your mouth!

NP: Shut your mouth for a bit, you've said enough for a moment.

KW: I beg your pardon? I've come all the way from King's Cross to be talked to like that?

SH: I thought you'd moved?

KW: Oh just kick me as you pass! Isn't it nice!

NP: All the way back to Platform Seven!

KW: Yes, lovely isn't it!

NP: Kenneth, I know that Sheila was embarrassed when she talked about abysmal television because she tried to cover it up by saying it was invariably herself that was abysmal. And I maintain, well, I felt that she was conveying that it was herself that was abysmal. I know she was being modest, and not the television that was abysmal. Therefore she keeps the subject and there are 37 seconds...

SH: Are you implying that I am abysmal by letting me keep that?


NP: No...

SH: I think I'd rather you awarded it to...

NP: I was implying you were being modest Sheila. So you have 37 seconds on a bad night starting now.

SH: (slight pause) Then I get up to my...


NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: Hesitation.

NP: Sheila...

SH: I was drawing breath!

KW: Drawing breath! It was er then! Er then!

NP: Thirty-six seconds Sheila on a bad night starting now.

KW: Oh it's be nice to Sheila Hancock week!

SH: And when I get into bed, I can't get comfortable...


NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Repetition of bed, she said it before.

NP: Yes, 33 seconds now on a bad night Clement starting now.

CF: Of all the bad knights, Sir Lancelot was probably deemed to be the worst. He not only beat his wife, he neglected his children, he paid lip service to his King without ever doing the sort of things that er...


NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: Hesitation.

NP: Yes I agree so 19 seconds now left on a bad night with you Kenneth starting now.

KW: And Arthur said to Guinevere apropos Lancelot "thou shalt cling to me and claim me thine, not his, nor another's, but thine own..."


NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: All those thines.

NP: Yes there was too much thining there. Oh for the Scots and er um er...

SH: Come on, Nick, come on!

NP: Six seconds for you Clement on a bad night starting now.

CF: Tuesday the 28th of February, eighteen hundred and forty-six was deemed by many to be a bad night...


NP: Clement Freud was then speaking when the whistle went. He moved forward but he's still in second place behind our leader who is still Sheila Hancock. And Kenneth Williams, your turn to begin, the subject, the golden fleece. One of those lovely ones that Ian Messiter thinks of especially for you, will you talk about it now for 60 seconds starting now.

KW: Of course it does all have its origins in Greek mythology with Athena did not like the first husband’s lot of children and Atheley got this fleece out which could fly through the air. And these kids went off. But fell off Helles after which the Hellespont is named. And also the golden fleece is one of the grandest of the European Chivalric titles, instituted, I recall by Philip Le Bon. For the benefit of you ignorant fools, Philip the...


KW: Oh I shouldn't have said that!

NP: Clement Freud has challenged you.

KW: When I said "you ignorant fool", that's my failing, isn't it. That was my very failing in trying to be clever, I undone my own natural words.

NP: Yes. Clement Freud you've challenged. Why?

CF: Repetition of Philip.

NP: Yes.

KW: I shouldn't have said it twice, I do apologise.

NP: Twenty-five seconds with Clement Freud on the golden fleece starting now.

CF: If you drive along the A12 in the direction of Yarmouth you will find a public house on the left hand side of the road called The Golden Fleece. The licensing hours are 11am to 2.30 and 5 in the afternoon until 10 at night. And the landlord's wife is called Rosie and makes pork pies...


NP: Peter Jones has challenged, why?

PJ: Hesitation. He couldn't remember what she made very well.

NP: Oh I don't think he really hesitated Peter. Well tried but bad luck. Six seconds on the golden fleece still with you Clement starting now.

CF: Ham sandwiches, turkey crackers, cheddar cheeses and pickles...


NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Hesitation.

NP: Yes I agree that time Peter. Two seconds with you Peter on the golden fleece starting now.

PJ: It's at Whitney in Oxfordshire...


NP: At the end of that round Peter Jones and Kenneth Williams are equal in second place behind Sheila Hancock and Clement Freud who are equal in first place. And Peter your turn to begin, the subject pawn brokers. Would you talk about that one now for 60 seconds starting now.

PJ: Well of course there is a great deal more porn about now than there has been for a long time. You read about it in the newspapers, you see it on the hoardings and on the magazines at book stalls and elsewhere. Photographs outside cinemas...


NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged, why?

KW: Deviation, the word's pawn brokers.

NP: Yes but he's taken the pawn in the, in the, er, about the pornography that er people...

KW: There are no brokers in pornography.

NP: Yes but you could er...

PJ: There may be, if there's enough of it!

NP: Colloquially speaking a person who sells pornographic material is a porn broker, and he's to be complimented on taking it in a way that nobody in the audience thought about.


NP: So Peter you have 43 seconds on pawn brokers starting now.

PJ: If it goes on increasing at this rate, then I suppose we may well have porn brokers to cope with it in the future. But I wouldn't like to see this because to me, the ideal type of pawn broker is the one who would have a shop with three balls outside it. And he sells things from this shop. He also takes from people, customers who come, in exchange for money, objects which they sometimes value and sometimes...


NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Repetition of sometimes.

NP: Yes, 11 seconds now on pawn brokers with you Clement starting now.

CF: There are streets in the city of London, and especially in the East End where pawn brokers proliferate. Anyone who has anything of any value...


NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: Anything of any.

CF: No.

NP: Anything of any value, anything is one word and any value is two words.

CF: Exactly.

NP: So alas, you didn't get in just before the whistle Kenneth. And Clement has half a second on pawn brokers starting now.

CF: Can redeem it...


NP: Clement Freud has now gone into a definite lead at the end of that round. And Clement your turn to begin, and the subject, dressing. Would you talk on that for 60 seconds starting now.

CF: In the culinary sense of this word, dressing consists usually of oil and vinegar, salt, pepper, mustard, and... any... herbs or spices that you might like to put with it. But dressing in the more usual sense consists of putting on your knickers...


NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: I don't think we can accept salt as a dressing! You know it certainly does enhance the flavour...

NP: So what's your challenge Peter?

PJ: Deviation.

NP: Why?

PJ: Because...

NP: Salt isn't a dressing but didn't he establish that it was part of a dressing that he was making?

PJ: No, no, he said....

CF: Yes I did.

PJ: Did he?

SH: Yes.

NP: He did, I'm afraid.

PJ: Oh well I'm terribly sorry then, how embarrassing for me!

NP: I don't think it's embarrassing. We love to hear from you, whenever you want to come in Peter.

PJ: Oh well that's very nice.

NP: Be our guest! Forty-two seconds with you Clement still on dressing starting now.

CF: After a game of football, you go into something called a dressing room, in which, in the first instance you remove all your outer clothing, often your inner ones as well. And at the end of the match or contest in which you have taken part, you go back to this dressing emplacement, encampment if you will, and put on...


NP: Sheila Hancock has challenged.

SH: You can't honestly call it a dressing encampment, can you! (laughs) That's slightly devious.

NP: No, I think if you're searching for another word, it's jolly difficult. To me, encampment has a very military ring to it, I must say.

CF: I played all my games in the Army!

NP: I think it's a difficult one to... I know, if it's difficult to judge, let's ask the audience with their superior wisdom to be the final arbiters of this situation. If you agree with Sheila's challenge about the encampment will you cheer, and if you disagree will you boo, and will you all do it together now!


NP: Sheila they don't want an encampment for a dressing room. So there are 19 seconds left for you Sheila on dressing starting now.

SH: Well I don't wear anything in bed so I get out and the first thing that I do is I put on me pants, and... I wish I'd never started this! And then I put on me dress. Afterwards I possibly wear shoes... and...


NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Ah...

SH: I don't wear one!


PJ: Hesitation.

NP: Yes, yes you all...

SH: Yes well I...

NP: I think they were letting you were going to see how you, how you, they all wanted to see how you dressed actually Sheila!

PJ: Yes, naturally, yes!

SH: I deeply regretted it directly I started.

NP: I know, you paused all the time, but they were going to hear all about your undoing, your, your dressing. But the idea of you putting on your pants and then your shoes. I must say that was a... um, especially in the cold weather! Peter you got in first so you have er the subject of dressing and there are only two seconds to go starting now.

PJ: Dressing is something that society...


NP: So Peter moved forward at the end of that round but he's still in third place just behind Sheila. Sheila's behind our leader who is still Clement Freud. And Kenneth Williams your turn to begin and the subject, my testimonials. Can you talk on that subject for 60 seconds starting now.

KW: Mine are pretty tatty and very dusty. My agent representing me for professional appearances and the like got them out the other day and said "have you seen these lately?" I said "oh gracious me, a certificate for acting! Where'd I win that!" He said "well it wasn't the Mabel Temmorley Award". She was always going round giving that away. I said "oh do you ever have occasion to produce these things?" "Oh yes," he replied, "various organisations that set themselves up as statutory bodies governing the standards laid down in various professions..."


NP: Clement Freud has challenged, why?

CF: Repetition of various.

NP: Yes.

CF: Various bodies, various professions.

NP: That's right Clement, so you have 15 seconds now on my testimonials starting now.

CF: And as the footman walked down the path on the way out of the castle, he thought to himself "if I had had a better education, I would have got that job". This is one of the oldest stories about testimonials, the beginning of which is so filthy that I'm unable...


NP: Well I'm glad the whistle went any further...

SH: Clement!

NP: ...before we got any further! But alas we have no more time to play Just A Minute. So let me give you the final score. Kenneth Williams finished in a commanding fourth place. Peter did extraordinarily well, was quite brilliant but he did finish in third place. Sheila was outstandingly good and finished in second place behind this week's winner, Clement Freud! We do hope you've enjoyed this edition of Just A Minute and from all of us here, good-bye.


ANNOUNCER: The chairman of Just A Minute was Nicholas Parsons, the p;rogramme was devised by Ian Messiter and produced by Simon Brett.