WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE!
starring KENNETH WILLIAMS, CLEMENT FREUD, PETER JONES and SHEILA HANCOCK, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 30 November 1971)
ANNOUNCER: We present Kenneth Williams, Clement Freud, Peter Jones and Sheila Hancock in Just A Minute. And as the Minute Waltz fades away here to tell you about it is our chairman Nicholas Parsons.
NICHOLAS PARSONS: Thank you, thank you very much indeed and welcome once again to Just A Minute. And once again I'm going to ask our four contestants to speak if they can on some unlikely subject without hesitation, without repetition and without deviating from the subject which is written on the card. And according to how well they do this, they will gain points or their opponents will gain points. And for those of you who may not yet be sure of the game, I think the rest will become obvious as we play it. And Peter Jones this week we would like to begin with you. And the subject is treachery. Can you talk to us for 60 seconds on treachery starting now.
PETER JONES: One of the most unpleasant aspects of human nature, which I suppose everyone is capable at some time or other. My mind goes back to that famous occasion underneath the House of Commons, when Guy Fawkes, perhaps better known as Guido Folkes, was plotting with his other friends with barrels of gunpowder labelled, I believe, with that name. And um above (laughs) members of Parliament were congregating. It was the 5th of November in I think 1670, I'm not exactly sure of the date...
NP: (laughs) Kenneth, Clement Freud has challenged you, why?
CLEMENT FREUD: Deviation.
CF: Of historical information.
NP: Yes it wasn't 1670, I'm so sorry...
PJ: No, it wasn't, no.
NP: No you tried to get out of it by saying about that time. But I'm afraid it wouldn't do. So I agree with Clement Freud's challenge so that means he gains a point for a correct challenge. He takes over the subject which is treachery and there are 25 seconds left Clement starting now.
CF: When you are in the middle of talking knowledgeably about some subject and a...
NP: Hesitation, I quite agree, yes. So Peter you get the point and the subject back with 20 seconds left for treachery starting now.
PJ: And there was the other famous occasion when Brutus...
NP: Clement Freud's challenged, why?
CF: Repetition of occasion.
NP: Yes I'm afraid there has been more than one occasion Peter.
PJ: Oh yes.
NP: So I agree with Clement Freud's challenge so he gains another point for a correct challenge, taking back the subject of treachery and there are 16 seconds left Clement starting now.
CF: Comes up to you and buzzes. Oh what treacherous behaviour is that, my countryman? Then you and I and all...
NP: Peter Jones has challenged again, why?
PJ: He couldn't have buzzed that, could he?
NP: What do you mean he couldn't have buzzed that?
PJ: He said someone comes up to him and buzzes. Didn't he say that?
NP: I don't know actually...
PJ: Has someone er...
NP: I was getting a message from Ian Messiter about the next subject at the time...
PJ: So you weren't paying attention, you mean?
NP: No I wasn't paying attention.
NP: So I'll have to ask the audience. What did you say Clement?
CF: I was in the middle of continuing the sentence that I started when I was so wrongly...
NP: That's right.
CF: ...interrupted by...
NP: That's what it is, I knew it was something. So I'm afraid it was a very good try Peter but I disagree with the challenge so Clement gains a point, keeps the subject, and there are eight seconds left starting now.
CF: She wore long white camiknickers and crept into the crypt of the church holding a secret in her left hand...
CF: ...and watching carefully...
SHEILA HANCOCK: The chair's gone to pieces!
NP: The whistle that didn't go after 60 seconds then should have been blown by Ian Messiter and I must explain to the listeners the reason he didn't blow it was because the subjects that he has composed this week have all got slightly confused. And he's been writing them, rewriting them, while that first round was going on. I was trying to watch him and listen to the contestants. I've got it all sorted out now...
SH: Hesitation then!
NP: No, no, Clement was speaking then when the whistle should have gone, so he gains an extra point. And we go on to the second round and Sheila Hancock it's your turn to begin. The subject is my future. Can you talk about my future for 60 seconds starting now.
SH: This is something to which I look forward with great pleasure, because it cannot be worse than my past! I visualise myself as a very old lady living in the country wandering in my garden collecting pretty flowers in a basket...
NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged. Why?
KENNETH WILLIAMS: I've never heard of quitty flowers!
SH: I said pretty!
KW: I heard you say quitty flowers!
SH: Well you're deaf then! Because I said pretty.
NP: Well whether she said pretty or quitty, it's very difficult to keep to keep going under the pressure of three people trying to challenge...
KW: Pressure? I haven't gone near her! What are you talking about, pressure?
NP: That's a different kind of pressure. It's a family show Kenneth, come on, steady on, remember what you always say. No, we, I definitely, I thought it sounded like pretty. But even if it didn't, she intended pretty. So I disagree with your challenge Kenneth, Sheila has a point, keeps the subject and there are 44 seconds for my future Sheila starting now.
SH: Wearing a straw hat and smiling benignly at passers-by. Also...
NP: Clement Freud has challenged. Why?
CF: Well the Street Offences Act...
LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE AND PJ
SH: But I'm in my garden! I'm not on the street, I'm in the garden!
NP: Well she was...
SH: I'd be lying...
CF: You were smiling at passers by!
SH: Benignly, not lecherously!
CF: Presumably not also in the garden!
KW: This garden could be bordering on the road...
CF: This, this amounts to...
KW: You silly fool! You could look over the fence, couldn't you? What's the matter with you? What's the matter with you! Turning on a lady!
CF: This amounts to suggestive and licentious behaviour and we don't want...
KW: Isn't it rude! Turning on a lady!
NP: Clement Freud...
CF: That's what Sheila was doing!
NP: She has established that...
SH: I'm very old!
NP: She has established that as a pretty old lady...
KW: She's laughing about in this straw hat, giving them the wink! It's obvious! It's all a scandal! He's quite right!
NP: At that age you could be...
CF: It makes it worse! It makes it worse!
KW: Horrible! Horrible! I've heard of dirty old men, but dirty old women doing it! Disgraceful, isn't it!
NP: If that is what you like Clement Freud, you stick to your particular taste and we'll stick to ours. If benign old ladies smile at me, I think they are just being charming and benign. So Sheila I disagree with the challenge, you have a point, my future, 40, 37 seconds left starting now.
SH: Young people will come and visit me...
NP: Peter Jones has challenged.
PJ: Repetition of people.
NP: Yes we've had more than one people.
NP: So Peter I agree with your challenge and you have a point for a correct challenge and there are 35 seconds left for my future starting now.
PJ: And I can visualise being one of these people on the sidewalk just outside Sheila's house when she's a very old lady. And I would be probably trying to pick up one or two of the blooms or blossoms that she was tossing at...
NP: Clement Freud has challenged, why?
CF: Hesitation. Over bloom.
NP: Yes but he was trying to clean it up, he said "pick up" and he realised how filthy that sounded. And we've already established that Sheila was not there for the purpose of a pick up when she's an old lady. So I disagree with the challenge.
SH: You're making my future sound awful! And it was a lovely vision I had!
NP: No, I'm keeping it nice Sheila!
SH: Tainted it! You tainted my whole future, the four of you!
NP: No, no, I'm keeping it very nice and very beautiful and very lovely so...
SH: All right, you're going to be picked up by me and my straw hat then!
NP: He's picking up your blooms! That's even worse, isn't it!
SH: Even better!
NP: Well or even better, according on your taste. Right Peter I disagree with the challenge so you have another point and you have the subject, my future, with 22 seconds left starting now.
PJ: I should be of an even more advanced age than she would be. And I might often retrace my steps past this lovely old cottage and collect old bits of fruit...
NP: Sheila Hancock has challenged. Why?
SH: Repetition of old.
NP: Yes we were getting a bit too old there...
NP: A bit old. So Sheila correct challenge, I agree, so you gain a point and the subject, my future, 10 seconds left starting now.
SH: These youngsters will sit at my feet while I recount tales of yore...
NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged, why?
KW: I think this is all terribly boring rubbish! I'm bored to tears!
NP: However boring it may be...
KW: Oh this old rubbish about people sitting about in straw hats talking to a load of idiots! I mean...
SH: Well might my future be boring!
NP: It is still Sheila's future...
PJ: But surely boring is not an offence in this game, is it?
KW: I wasn't talking to you! Mind your own business! You want to be chairman! He thinks he's chairman now!
PJ: Changes the whole colour of the thing!
KW: Making up the rules himself! Isn't he! What a nerve!
NP: I quite agree Peter. If boring was a challenge Peter, it would change the whole complex of the game. But it isn't as long as you keep going on the subject on the card which Sheila was doing.
KW: Mmmm, she was going all right! Mmmmm!
NP: And there are five seconds for her to continue going on my future Sheila, having gained another point, starting now.
SH: I will give them advice as to what to do with their lives and...
KW: What an old bore! Eh? (does an impression of Sheila) I will give them advice on what to do...
NP: Those of you who may not know, when the whistle goes it does tell us that 60 seconds is up. And whoever is speaking at that moment gains the extra point. On this occasion it was Sheila Hancock who at this moment... Kenneth! Stop playing, making sheep's eyes at the audience, we had that subject! Whoever is speaking...
SH: I dread to think what your future would be! It's a disgrace!
KW: Shut your row! Shut your row!
NP: May we please pay Just A Minute! At the end of the second round, Sheila Hancock has taken the lead. And Kenneth Williams it's your turn to begin, and all right, we have had Sheila's future. Now we will have the, we'll hear something. Because we'd like you to hear on my past.
SH: Oh God!
NP: So we're going to get our own back after those challenges. Kenneth, my past, can you talk on your past, well no, sorry, the subject is my past, 60 seconds starting now.
KW: (slowly, drawing out words) Well this is so full of learned and eventful accounts that I...
NP: Peter Jones why have you challenged?
PJ: I just, er, my finger slipped on the button.
NP: A good reason for challenging! But it's not in the game I'm afraid Peter.
PJ: No, no.
KW: If you've all finished ruining it, boring trivia and minutiae, perhaps I could be allowed to continue?
SH: Go on then!
PJ: Yes I do apologise!
NP: You will be allowed to continue, but you've got a point for it, your first point of this particular show which should make you very happy. The subject is my past and there are 53 seconds left starting now.
KW: It is most beautifully shown in my album of snapshots. And the earliest one depicts me sitting on a tiny stool, and below is a small puddle. And people say to me...
KW: What now?
NP: Peter Jones you've challenged.
KW: I must say...
KW: ...in my nervousness you see...
PJ: While they were laughing!
KW: What's the matter?
NP: You hesitated.
KW: I didn't at all.
NP: Yes after the puddle you definitely hesitated.
KW: Did I hesitate? Did I hesitate?
SHOUTS OF "NO" FROM THE AUDIENCE
KW: There you are!
NP: I know! They want to hear more about the puddle! That's why they're saying no! But we're not, I've got to be fair, you hesitated after your...
KW: I did not! I announced something! And my mother's sitting there! Look at her! She' gone white!
NP: She probably knows all about that puddle anyway!
KW: She does! I know!
NP: She probably had to mop it up, poor soul!
NP: Yes! Anyway I disagree, I mean, I agree with the challenge, I disagree with what you're saying Kenneth. There are 35 seconds for you Peter on my past starting now.
PJ: I'm well equipped to speak on this subject. Because of course in my case there's rather more of it. So I will think back over the years to the time just after, or just earlier...
NP: Ah Clement Freud's challenged.
CF: Hesitation, repetition of just.
NP: One of the other.
PJ: No deviation?
CF: And a fumble coming up.
KW: And a fumble, yes. And an impedimenta.
NP: A fumble? I would like one challenge from you Clement.
CF: Call it hesitation.
NP: There was no hesitation, I agree with the repetition of just, but there was no hesitation. So Peter Jones has another point and there are 24 seconds for my past Peter starting now.
PJ: Some years before the ah...
NP: Clement Freud has challenged, why?
CF: Repetition of just earlier on.
NP: No, it's too late now!
CF: Right, hesitation then.
PJ: I didn't mention just!
NP: No it's too late now for that as well! So...
CF: Oh I see!
NP: Peter Jones has another point for an incorrect challenge...
CF: Oh good!
NP: And 20 seconds on my past Peter starting now.
PJ: A few years before the march from...
NP: Sheila Hancock has challenged you.
NP: Yes we've had years before Peter.
NP: This was a correct challenge, it wasn't... So Sheila I agree with your challenge, 16 seconds on my past starting now.
KW: Well what are we going to get from her?
SH: (laughs) I was born in the Isle of Wight, after which we moved to King's Cross. My mother and father were a publican. My sister was on the stage and they decided it might be a good idea to do the same with me, not having any other...
KW: Oh it's true!
SH: It's true, isn't it!
NP: On this occasion Sheila Hancock was speaking when the whistle went so she gained the extra point and just managed to get a lead over Peter Jones who previous to that moment was in the lead. He's now in second place, just behind Sheila. Clement Freud your turn to begin and the subject is, you guessed it, my present. Can you talk about my present for 60 seconds starting now.
CF: On my birthday my family clubbed together and gave me the most splendid present. It was a railway train. Not, I ask you to believe, a toy one but a real genuine thing made of steel and brass and tinplate, with whistle that hooted and a stream that came out of the machinery at the bottom. Together with this I tried to purchase an entire crew to service this vehicle. But this became very difficult because British Railways who are, in a manner of speaking, in charge of all such mobile equipment decided that there was a go slow on at Chelmsford, while the people at Doncaster were asking for more money and fewer hours...
NP: Sheila Hancock has challenged, why?
SH: Well I, nothing to do with his present that they were going slow in Doncaster and all that.
NP: No, he was on about his present, I agree, yes...
SH: He's talking about what he's going to buy to go with his present.
NP: Yes I think he's got well away, what, as a result of his present, he's talking about the go slow in Doncaster. I think he's got away from the description of the details of the present. So 15 seconds, Sheila Hancock, my present starting now.
SH: I am sitting at a desk...
NP: Clement Freud you've challenged.
NP: Yes I agree with that hesitation Clement, so you gain another point and take the subject of my present back again with 13 seconds left starting now.
CF: And so I drove it myself.
NP: Sheila Hancock has challenged. Why?
SH: Hesitation, a very long pause.
NP: No I don't think he did hesitate then...
NP: No, he was a bit intimidated...
SH: It's very difficult to tell with Clement!
NP: And when Kenneth Williams is sitting beside you, making the most revolting faces to the audience...
SH: I know!
NP: ... it's jolly difficult to keep going anyway!
CF: That's his normal face!
NP: Kenneth! Oh that's his normal face, is it? Well pull yourself together now! And make a few abnormal faces so we can play...
KW: It was the go slow at Chelmsford that affected me, dear! I dropped right off! It's soporific the way he goes on!
NP: Yeah! The go slow at Chelmsford and the national strike at Doncaster. So he's still with his locomotive and there are um nine seconds left for my present Clement starting now.
CF: Sitting here with Kenneth Williams resting his left cheek on my right shoulder is the sort of thing...
NP: Peter Jones you've challenged, why?
NP: It's nothing to do with his present.
NP: I quite agree. Peter you have another point...
KW: On the contrary! At present I have!
NP: Oh I see, my present...
SH: It's deviating for Kenneth to have his cheek on his shoulder! I agree!
PJ: Well I thought it was.
NP: Well that is not within the rules of the game, you mean my present is er, meaning my present at this particular moment. You're quite right Clement...
CF: He was talking about his locomotive, wasn't he?
NP: He was, and he very cleverly and very quickly switched to my present meaning my present moment which was Kenneth Williams leaning against him. He has us all fooled for a second, including me. So Clement I must take back what I said, four seconds, my present starting now.
CF: And this is very pleasant indeed because as I love the man...
NP: At the end of that round Clement Freud was speaking when the whistle went so he has now leapt forward, he's now equal in the lead alongside Sheila Hancock. And Peter Jones is just behind them. And Kenneth Williams, with all his faces, is trailing somewhat. So Peter Jones your turn to begin, the subject is stuff and nonsense. Can you talk to us on that subject for 60 seconds starting now.
PJ: I often stuff furniture, or in, more often it's pillows...
NP: Sheila Hancock has challenged.
SH: I don't want the rotten subject but he did say often twice.
NP: And he did hesitate, yes, but I'm afraid we've got to be fair within the rules of the game and Sheila that's a correct challenge, you gain the subject, 55 seconds, stuff and nonsense starting now.
SH: This usually means, as Kenneth would say, a load of rubbish! And he says it very often. I think he should change and say stuff and nonsense every time one of us deviates from the subject. I sometimes stuff cushions and while I am doing it, I sing a nonsense rhyme... such as...
NP: Peter Jones why have you challenged?
NP: It's one of the words on the card so she can repeat it.
KW: Yes! You fool! You walked right into that one! She was preparing that trap! I didn't go for it! She does that to you! That's why she wins!
PJ: Yes, she can repeat it as often as she likes?
NP: No, no, there is a limit. I mean if she goes on too much...
PJ: What's the limit?
KW: Four times you're allowed the title on the card.
NP: No, three times, after that and it depends how often within the short space of time...
NP: So I have to use a certain amount of discretion...
KW: Well it depends on whether it's British summer time or....
NP: It depends on leaving it to the chairman's discretion at the time. I disagree with your challenge Peter and so Sheila gets another point, 35 seconds for stuff and nonsense Sheila starting now.
SH: Usually what politicians say is what is on the card. At least that's what I think. While I am doing this to the pillows, I, as I...
NP: Peter Jones has challenged, why?
PJ: Repetition of pillows.
NP: Yes we've had pillows...
SH: I said cushions! I said cushions!
KW: Cushions before.
SH: I deliberately changed it to cushions.
NP: Oh yes, you walked right into that one too Peter! I'm so sorry! So Sheila has another point and there are 23 seconds for stuff and nonsense starting now.
SH: Or indeed bolsters I sometimes so this to and...
NP: Peter Jones has challenged again.
PJ: Repetition of sometimes.
NP: Yes sometimes that...
KW: It's still one word, you can't pick on it one word!
NP: She did this sometimes do...
SH: Oh he can have it!
NP: She's done it about three or four times, if you say sometimes sometimes sometimes...
KW: I think it's most ungallant!
NP: No I think he, she's reached the point of no return on sometimes...
NP: ..and I give the benefit of the doubt to Peter with 18 seconds left starting now.
PJ: And I myself have occasionally pushed the old paper or feathers or even down into soft furnishings which are littered all over the house. And there stand as mute testaments to this industry which I have practised in...
NP: On that occasion Peter Jones was speaking when the whistle went, gained the extra point. I'd love to think Peter Jones' bolsters and cushions and pillows that he stuffs then stand! I wonder what he's done! Pretty frightening! Oh Sheila Hancock has a definite lead at the end of that round. And Clement Freud and Peter Jones are now equal in second place. And Sheila Hancock we come back to you again. It's your turn to begin again.
SH: How lucky you are! How lucky you are!
NP: Yes! And how lucky we may be when you hear the subject that Ian Messiter's thought of for you. Women's lib!
NP: Can you talk about women's lib, women's lib, for 60 seconds, without hesitation, without repetition, without deviation, without being interrupted starting now.
SH: It is extremely difficult to do justice to this subject in 60 seconds. Most people think it is the business of burning your brassiere and going around liberated in that fashion. In fact it means a great deal more than that. I consider myself to be a liberated woman because I am lucky enough to be in a profession where the wages are equal, nay in fact women can be er...
KW: Leave her alone! She's all right!
NP: Who challenged?
KW: Who challenged?
NP: Hesitation, yes I agree Clement, you gain the subject, 34 seconds for women's lib starting now.
CF: Basically the idea of women's liberation is to liberate them from all such things as were imposed upon them by virtue of their femininity. And thus a fully women's lib lady would be one who dressed, behaved or in any other way deported herself, in exactly the same manner as would one of the opposite sex. And the day that Sheila Hancock arrives wearing Peter Jones's glasses... Kenneth...
NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.
NP: Yes, I was, very interesting actually. I was rather interested to see how she was going to arrive...
SH: It was absolute rubbish!
NP: Well um before we became embarrassed by what she arrived, Kenneth I agree with the challenge, five seconds on women's lib starting now.
KW: This is an idea that certain people have and it's apropos of emancipation. And I say more power to their elbow...
NP: Well Kenneth Williams was then speaking as the whistle went so he gains the extra point but alas he's still in fourth place. But also his turn to begin...
KW: Well thank goodness!
NP: So Kenneth the subject for you now is useful hints. Can you give us something in Just A Minute starting now.
KW: Well a very useful hint was given to John Wilkes Booth when he decided to assassinate Lincoln. They said "get out of it by jumping off the stagedrops on to the stage and thus make your getaway in the hiatus created dramatically". So he did this and broke his ankle in the process. And gave rise to a very bad taste story whereby the reporter said "apart from that Mrs Lincoln, how did you enjoy the play?"
NP: Ah Sheila Hancock has challenged you.
KW: What's she on about?
SH: It's super but it's deviation. And he's got right away from the hint that was given to Booth. And I don't believe anybody hinted it to him anyway Kenneth.
NP: No, I don't think...
KW: Since you weren't there, you might as well shut your great mouth!
SH: Neither were you!
KW: All you do is interfere! You won the game last week! It's a disgrace! She cheats all the time! Of course somebody gave him the hint! They probably said "here's the hint mate! Here's how you do it!"
SH: He thought it all himself probably!
NP: Well I think, the thing is Sheila, I think in that serious situation that John Wilkes Booth was in, I mean it was a pretty useful hint, wasn't it.
KW: Of course it was! It was very...
SH: He was going on to what happened afterwards...
KW: You shut your row!
NP: Well it was a...
KW: They should never have had women on this show! Never have had women! Great...
SH: You were just talking about women's liberation just now! Saying more power to our elbow!
KW: Yeah, I mean in that field! In that field! Emily Pankhurst and Amelia Bloomer when she promoted her cause threw her crinoline away while the audience cried "whatho" and walked around in drawers."
NP: All right! I'm sorry you didn't have women's lib, it would have been good with you Kenneth. You keep the subject, useful hints, 35 seconds left starting now.
KW: One that was given to me was when you have a filthy pan, put a little bit of salt on it before washing up, and you will find that this will gently erase the bad stain. And thus will all come sparking clean again. "Ohhhhhhh" I said, "how nice! What a lovely idea!" And I really admit...
NP: Sheila Hancock's challenged, why?
SH: Hesitation, deviation and repetition. He hesitated a bit then, and he was deviating...
NP: He hesitated... I only want one challenge, what is it?
NP: No he didn't hesitate!
KW: Very good!
KW: No! Shut up! Shut up!
SH: When does a...
KW: Shut your row!
SH: When does a long drawn out vowel sound become hesitation? When he goes (in a pretty good impression of Kenneth Williams) "ahhhhhhhhhhh"? I call that hesitation!
NP: Well I...
KW: She sounded like an old witch there!
NP: Yes! He had some very useful hints about what to do with a messy frying pan.
SH: Go on! Get on, you silly old fool! He's never cleaned a saucepan in his life anyway!
KW: (an appreciative tone in the voice) Oh she's really rude! Isn't she rude?
NP: Nine seconds on useful hints Kenneth starting now.
KW: Another one is to chuck something over your shoulder in the event of a rainy day or a cold key down the back. Now I wouldn't put...
NP: Ah Sheila Hancock why have you challenged?
SH: (desperately trying to speak through her own laughter) Why, what, you don't, I mean, the two things aren't connected, are they?
NP: I disagree, Kenneth Williams has another point...
NP: Three seconds left starting now.
KW: Another hint I heard, put your cap in your pocket...
NP: A very tight contest and it gets rather needled at times, because they do, thank goodness, all want to win which is a marvellous feature. In third place equal were Kenneth Williams and Peter Jones. They were a little way behind Clement Freud who was in second place, who was two points behind this week's winner, who once again was Sheila Hancock. We do hope that you've enjoyed this particular edition of Just A Minute. From all of us here, good-bye!
ANNOUNCER: The chairman of Just A Minute was Nicholas Parsons, the programme was devised by Ian Messiter and produced by David Hatch.