WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE!
starring KENNETH WILLIAMS, CLEMENT FREUD, PETER JONES and SHEILA HANCOCK, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 23 November 1971)
ANNOUNCER: We present Kenneth Williams, Clement Freud, Peter Jones and Sheila Hancock in Just A Minute. And as the Minute Waltz fades away here to tell you about it is our chairman Nicholas Parsons.
NICHOLAS PARSONS: Thank you, thank you very much indeed and welcome once again to Just A Minute. And once again I'm going to ask our four contestants to speak if they can, for Just A Minute on some unlikely subject without hesitation, without deviation from the subject on the card and without repetition. And according to how well they do it they will gain points or their opponents will gain points. And if you don't already know the game, the rest will, I'm sure become obvious as we play it. And this week we're going to begin with our lady Sheila Hancock. Would you start the show this week and the subject that Ian has thought of for you is lights. Can you talk to us for 60 seconds on lights starting now.
SHEILA HANCOCK: When I was a little girl it was one of my dreams to have my name in lights up outside a theatre. When I grew up however and I saw that happen, I just stood there and said "so what". However my father took a photograph of it and carried it in his wallet until the day he died so it was worth it after all. In the theatre...
NP: Kenneth Williams, you have challenged, why?
KENNETH WILLIAMS: Hesitation.
SH: I was breathing!
KW: Oh no, definitely hesitation!
SH: It's my bad chest!
KW: There's no question about it, is there Nick?
NP: There's no question about it, no, I think she moved us so much with her story...
KW: Yes it was moving! But she hesitated.
NP: Then she hesitated.
KW: Yes, definitely! Definitely!
NP: She didn't move fast enough.
KW: That is exactly it!
NP: Kenneth I agree with your challenge so you gain a point for a correct challenge...
KW: Oh good! Now I might win! I might win!
NP: You might, you've won before and you might again. And you take over the subject which is lights and there are 37 seconds left starting now.
KW: Well of course most people know this in conjunction with the liver. Liver and the lights...
NP: Clement Freud has challenged, why?
CLEMENT FREUD: Two livers.
NP: Yes there were two livers, you can only have one liver you know. In this game, that is. Clement Freud I agree with your challenge, so you gain a point and you take over the subject, there are 31 seconds left for lights starting now.
CF: Kidneys on the other hand...
NP: Derek, Peter Jones has challenged.
PETER JONES: We're not talking about the other hand! We're supposed to be talking about the liver!
NP: Yes so what is the challenge Peter?
KW: Are you saying deviation?
NP: I don't think truthfully, he had quite a chance to establish that this kidney business which was probably on the other hand something else...
PJ: Well once he established it, it would have been much too late!
NP: It would have been too late for you to get in Peter...
NP: I think it was a very good attempt but I'm afraid as only three seconds have gone I must disagree with the challenge, leave it with Clement Freud who's gained another point for an incorrect challenge and there are twenty-eight seconds left Clement starting now.
CF: Come under the loose heading of offal, spelt O...
NP: Sheila Hancock challenged.
NP: Not quite, no. I'm sorry Sheila, it wasn't like yours I'm afraid. Twenty-five seconds to continue with lights Clement starting now.
CF: If you go north towards the Hebrides, you are likely early in the morning to catch across the shimmering waves, a sight of flickering lights. And there's many a navigator who thought this was nothing worse than a mermaid, when all the time it was the northern lights breathing down, tinkling at sailors...
NP: Sheila Hancock challenged.
SH: That was hesitation!
NP: That was hesitation. And Sheila you've done what Clement Freud has often been accused of, which he does very cleverly, got in not only just before the whistle, half a second before the whistle...
CF: The hesitation, I'd like to say, was waiting for the whistle!
SH: Caught at your...
NP: You don't normally wait for it Clement...
CF: I thought it was about time it blew!
NP: So Sheila Hancock I agree with your challenge, you have half a second for lights starting now.
NP: The whistle tells us that 60 seconds is up and whoever is speaking at the moment the whistle is blown gets an extra point and on this occasion it was Sheila Hancock. Sheila you now have two points but you're one behind Clement Freud who is the leader at the end of the first round. Peter Jones will you begin the second round, swashbuckling. That's thrown you back on your heels I think, slightly Peter. But will you come out in a swashbuckling manner and talk about that subject for 60 seconds starting now.
PJ: Buckling is a useful nutritious appetising smoked fish which can be used in lieu of hors d'oeuvre or the inevitable soup by a host who is anxious to please his guests. And it is a useful alternative...
NP: And Clement Freud has challenged. Why?
CF: Useful, two.
NP: Yes we've had more than one useful I'm afraid Peter. So I must agree with the challenge, Clement gains a point and the subject which is swashbuckling Clement,. 41 seconds left starting now.
CF: Before I was enrolled as one of Robin Hood's new young men, I went in...
NP: Sheila Hancock has challenged, why?
SH: I don't believe he was ever...
KW: Quite right! Quite right Sheila!
SH: ...a new young man. A very old young man....
NP: I don't think he was ever enrolled, I don't think Robin Hood's new young men exist except in Clement Freud's fertile imagination. So Sheila I agree with your challenge, you take the subject of swashbuckling and there are 36 seconds...
CF: It's going to be one of those sorts of days!
SH: You should buckle your swash crosswise, across your front...
NP: Clement Freud's challenged again!
CF: Cross, cross.
NP: No, crosswise...
SH: Crosswise and across.
NP: ..and across.
KW: Oh you fool! You should have listened more carefully! She's not a BA for nothing, you know! Oh she's an academic! Go on!
NP: And Clement was trying very hard, but unsuccessfully. So Sheila has another point, 32 seconds for swashbuckling Sheila starting now.
SH: Then your trousers will remain up. These were worn by knights of old...
NP: Kenneth Williams.
KW: Deviation, if they were wore by knights of old, they wouldn't have had trousers!
SH: They had trousers underneath their armour!
KW: They weren't trousers, they were tights! They didn't go around in trousers, knights of old! Knights of old in trousers! Can you imagine! Can you imagine saying "pray thee knight, 'ere's your trousers!"
SH: Well they didn't have tights either!
KW: Well breeches!
SH: Well that's fair enough!
NP: No, no, I think, I think Kenneth has made his point without any clarification from me so...
NP: So Kenneth you have a point, 25 seconds left for swashbuckling starting now.
KW: Well of course it's a good thing it's fallen to me to discuss it because they've misled you all. This does not refer to anything except manner, swashbuckling manner! A would-be pirate...
NP: Sheila Hancock has challenged, why?
SH: Two manners!
NP: Two manners?
SH: A swashbuckling manner, manners, you said two manners, I'm sure.
KW: Oh what a shame! I was just getting under way.
NP: I thought you said manners the second time.
KW: It was a big nautical thing!
NP: So his big nautical thing came to nought and ...
KW: Oh that's very good!
NP: ... and Sheila has another point and the subject back of swashbuckling and there are 12 seconds left starting now.
SH: The reason it has come to mean swaggering and grand now is that if a knight buckled his swash very tightly he was considered very illustrious. Because a tight...
NP: In swashbuckling manner Sheila Hancock was speaking once again when the whishle, whishle... when the whistle went. She was swashbuckling when the whishle went and so she has now gained a lead of one over Clement Freud just in second place. And Kenneth Williams and Peter Jones are trailing a little behind them. Kenneth...
SH: In the lead!
NP: Don't be so... because you're in the lead, don't be so nasty!
SH: Darling I so seldom win, let me, let me glory in it! Let me enjoy it!
KW: Let her have her moment Nicholas! Let her have her moment!
NP: I think she does extraordinarily well. So anyway Kenneth Williams it is your turn to begin, Sir Francis Dashwood. I must make it quite clear it is the 18th century Sir Francis Dashwood we wish you to talk about...
SH: Oh I'm glad you said that!
NP: For 60 seconds starting now.
KW: Well I don't really know much. But it is laid down in the manual by Thomas Swain on the subject of the occult, that he had this manor house near High Wickham and invited a load of local dignitaries including the Bishop to see the relaid gardens. And they all got to the top of this tower and he said "now I switch it on". And the fountains didn't give water but milk! And...
NP: Sheila Hancock why have you challenged?
SH: I'm ever so sorry, I thought he was hesitating. And he was sort of saying g-give like that but he wasn't, was he?
NP: Yes you were very keen but I'm afraid I disagree with the challenge so Kenneth has another point and 30 seconds to continue with Sir Francis Dashwood starting now.
KW: And as the gardens were laid in the shape of a naked woman and this milk come out, the bishop was disgusted and left...
KW: ... and said "what a filthy crowd here, we've got!"
NP: Clement Freud has challenged, why?
CF: Repetition of milk.
NP: Yes I'm afraid there was, there was a repetition of milk. So um there are 23 seconds left for you to continue with Sir Francis Dashwood starting now.
CF: In many ways it was significant that the holder of England's oldest baronetcy should be the first man publicly to practice black magic, which he did in West Wickham in the house about which my colleague, Kenneth Williams, spoke so eloquently until I buzzed him for repeating himself...
NP: Sheila Hancock you've challenged.
SH: Deviation, he's talking about Kenneth and himself...
NP: And buzzing and not on the subject...
CF: A direct descendant of the Dashwoods!
NP: But his buzzing has got no connection with the Hellfire Club so Sheila I agree with your challenge, you have Sir Francis...
KW: This is ridiculous! She's going to win, you know! She's going to win!
NP: Well all right. Maybe she will. So Sir Francis Dashwood is back in your court Sheila and long may you enjoy him, but four seconds will do starting now.
SH: They used to come down from the house into the village and take a maiden...
NP: So once again Sheila Hancock was speaking when the whistle went, increasing her lead at the end of that round. And now she has a lead of two over Clement Freud who's in second place, and Kenneth Williams creeping up a little into third place and Peter Jones is still in fourth place. Sheila it is your turn to begin, the subject is meteorology. Can you... I managed to pronounce it too! Can you speak on the subject for 60 seconds starting now.
SH: This is the science of the atmosphere. In other words it is anything that involves the air and the... thing outside...
NP: Clement Freud has challenged you.
NP: Hesitation I agree.
SH: Indeed, indeed.
NP: So Clement you have a point and the subject, 47 seconds for, 42 seconds for meteorology starting now.
CF: Meteorology, it would appear, is a word that our chairman is traditionally unable to pronounce except for this instance when he appeared to have got it correct...
NP: Kenneth Williams you challenged.
KW: Deviation, we're not discussing the chairman's pronunciation of the word, we're discussing meteorology.
NP: This is one of those difficult situations, that's quite a good challenge...
CF: I would like him to have it.
NP: You would?
KW: Because he knows it's justified that's why. He's guilty! He's gone red! Look at him! He's gone red!
NP: You have a point, it was 52 seconds before, I misread the clock, it is now 42 seconds for meteorology with you Kenneth starting now.
KW: Well of course, your most primitive example of this is your weathercock which always blew in various ways when winds prevailed upon it to do so. And thus the old village rustic would say "ah tis a northeasterly tonight!" or some such rubbish! And of course they knew that this wind bringing with it...
NP: Sheila Hancock's challenged.
SH: Repetition of wind.
NP: Yes we've had a bit too much wind I'm afraid.
SH: Tis rather apt with Kenneth!
NP: Yes! So Sheila I agree with your challenge and you have the subject back of meteorology and there are 17 seconds left starting now.
SH: It was first discussed, I believe, by Plato, and later by Aristotle. One person who contributed a lot was Galileo who invented the thermometer...
NP: Peter Jones has challenged.
NP: I would quite agree Peter, well listened, well in there. And there are eight seconds for you now with meteorology starting now.
PJ: What a pleasant change it is from the British Museum to visit the Victoria and Albert and see all the meteorites in the...
NP: Well at the end of that round Peter Jones was speaking as the whistle went, so he has leapt forward and is still in fourth place!
SH: (laughing) How typical of Peter!
NP: Kenneth has leapt a little but is still in third place, Clement's stayed the sill and is still in second place. And Sheila moved on progressively like a meteorite with her lead at the end of that round. Conjuring is the subject and Peter Jones it is your turn to begin. Can you talk to us about conjuring for Just A Minute starting now.
PJ: It is an entertaining form of er magic...
NP: Sheila Hancock, you challenged.
SH: Awwww I'm sorry! It's a hesitation.
KW: Awwww it's ungallant!
NP: I disagree.
SH: Wasn't it?
NP: No. He hesi...
CF: He's only a man!
NP: He caught his breath and said "entertaining form of... magic" and it was beautifully...
SH: Well when I caught my breath with my bad lungs, you said it was hesitation!
NP: Yeah but he's got good lungs, you see!
KW: Don't argue with the chairman Sheila please, let's have decorum!
SH: Go on then!
KW: Let's have decorum! Please let's have decorum! I don't like bad manners! I don't like it! I don't come here to indulge in it!
SH: Go on Peter, you do it! You hesitate as much as you like!
NP: No, if he hesitates a lot, you’d better get in or somebody else will.
NP: I don't think there was a hesitation there. I definitely think there was only five seconds gone...
SH: It's given you time to think though, hasn't it?
PJ: Yes! Exactly!
NP: Now with a little bit of magic carry on with your conjuring Peter and there are 55 seconds left starting now.
PJ: And I used to practice it when I was quite a small boy and I perfected many tricks, which I have since done for my own children. They admittedly got rather bored with me when they were nine or 10 because they could see how the various tricks work...
NP: Clement Freud has challenged.
NP: I'm afraid so, yes, we had more than one trick there Peter. You repeated the tricks you see, for the children, and you repeated them here.
PJ: Ah yes.
NP: So there are 40 seconds for you Clement with conjuring starting now.
CF: If you can keep your head, while all around you...
NP: Kenneth Williams challenged.
KW: Repetition, we're always having this bit of old rubbish crammed down our... A load of old rubbish! He just resorts to it at every juncture Nicholas! And it's simply not good enough Nicholas!
KW: It's not good enough! He gives us the same old muck about if you can keep yours when all around are losing theirs. And it's all a load, a load of rubbish!
NP: Well I will say this Kenneth, they all, you all have your different ploys of playing for time...
KW: You've never heard me come out with all that rubbish about when all around are...
NP: No, you come out with different rubbish! And very entertaining rubbish! You have your little ploys which we all enjoy. We wouldn't want you to change Kenneth, don't misunderstand me.
KW: So get to the point then!
NP: I don't know what the point...
LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE
NP: I'm going to ask the audience to be the final judge here because er Clement...
CF: What is the challenge?
NP: What is the challenge? Yes?
NP: Of what?
KW: Of this endless quotation! We're always hearing "if you can keep yours.."
NP: Well he..
KW: He hasn't washed! And incidentally who keeps losing it all the time! I don't know! If it's heads, it's ludicrous, because you'd see them rolling about on the pavement! You'd see a load of heads wouldn't you?
NP: Kenneth! Kenneth actually to be perfectly fair, he hasn't said it in this particular programme or in this particular round yet. And so...
KW: Anyway it's a quotation from Rudyard Kipling. The subject is conjuring, therefore it's deviation...
NP: Well he's made it...
KW: Therefore I should have the subject now!
KW: Come on! Give it to me! (shouts) Give it to me! Give it to me!
NP: You might win it in a moment but I think to be fair he hasn't yet deviated from conjuring because he hasn't actually started!
KW: I've come all the way from King's Cross! It's amazing I’m giving up my time, it really is!
NP: We'll give you a bus fare back Kenneth.
KW: All right.
NP: There are 37 seconds for Clement Freud to continue on conjuring starting now.
CF: Are pulling rabbits out of their inside pockets, then you, my child, will be a man. Is the sort of poem that was not written by Rudyard Kipling, but a simple observation made on the stage of the Alhambra Theatre in Reading to a packed audience intent on witnessing a conjuring...
NP: Peter Jones you challenged, why?
PJ: No Alhambra Theatre in Reading!
APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE
NP: Peter I hope you've learnt something, you've got to call this fellow's bluff on occasions. He does it with such aplomb, you know, and he goes on. We were all laughing at this um misquotation from Rudyard Kipling which he cleverly twisted back to say Rudyard Kipling did not say it, right. Right, Peter you have a point and there are 17 and a half seconds, conjuring starting now.
PJ: It was of course the Palace Theatre in Reading...
NP: Clement Freud you challenged.
CF: There's no Palace Theatre in Reading.
NP: There is, there was a Palace Theatre in Reading because I've played there.
CF: But there was an Alhambra as well!
CF: Oh yes.
KW: No you're mixing it up with...
NP: Well I'm sorry Clement we can't go back as far as you! So...
KW: (sings gibberish song about a banana and Granada)
NP: Fourteen seconds, I'm, 14 seconds for you Peter, conjuring starting now.
PJ: There was a famous Alhambra and I believe still is in Bradford...
NP: Sheila Hancock challenged.
SH: I don't think this is to do with conjuring.
NP: But he might be going on to say what happened at this famous Alhambra...
SH: Were you? Now, be honest, were you?
NP: Of course he was!
SH: All right then!
NP: You can see it written all over his face! Eleven seconds for conjuring Peter starting now.
PJ: And it was there in Bradford that I saw...
NP: Clement Freud has challenged. Clement?
CF: Repetition of Bradford.
NP: Of Bradford, you see, that's what happens when you get challenged...
PJ: But not in this er, I mentioned Bradford before.
NP: Yes but I'm afraid that once you've mentioned Bradford, this is the trouble...
PJ: Oh I see.
NP: When someone challenges you and you start again, it's very difficult because you want to mention the place again. All you can mention again is the subject on the card.
PJ: Oh I see.
NP: So um I must give it against you Peter, Clement Freud has a point and eight seconds for conjuring starting now.
CF: Not only was he wearing a tail suit, but in his inside jacket pocket, there was a pigeon...
NP: Sheila Hancock challenged.
SH: We've had jacket pocket before.
NP: We had pocket before.
KW: Oh yes!
NP: He produced the rabbit from his pocket earlier on. So Sheila...
KW: That is true! That is true!
CF: In the Alhambra, which doesn't exist!
NP: Well tried Clement but not good enough, two seconds for you Sheila on conjuring starting now.
SH: My uncle used to swallow razor blades...
NP: Well it's getting into a very keen competition because Peter Jones has leapt forward again, this time into third place.
KW: Why do you say he's leapt forward? When I go forward you say crept!
NP: Maybe it's the different ways you do it! He actually did gain about four points on that round, he did very very well. So he's overtaken you I'm afraid.
NP: He's in third place now. He's a little... he's only two points behind Clement Freud who is only two points behind our leader who is still Sheila Hancock. Clement it's your turn to begin and the subject, sheep's eyes. That's got a nice reaction from the audience. They want to hear you talk about it Clement and you have 60 seconds starting now.
CF: If you approach a sheep and gouge out its eyes...
NP: Kenneth Williams why have you challenged?
KW: I don't want to sit here and listen to a load of filth! These decent people come all this way! Look at here there, from Shropshire, she don't want to sit there and hear about gouging! A load of gouging! I mean it's horrible!
NP: And what's more...
KW: Sheila's gone white! Look at her! She's white!
NP: There's a lot of gouging goes on in Shropshire, I can...
PJ: I come from Shropshire, I've never noticed a lot of gouging, any more there than anywhere else!
CF: That's why you had to leave!
NP: Anyway Kenneth, the thing was, he wasn't deviating from the subject of sheep's eyes, however unpleasant it may have been and however offensive. So he keeps the subject and 55 seconds left starting now.
CF: They are thought to be something of a delicacy. The only difficulty being that when you serve up sheep's eyes to people, they very often don't believe that they are what you said they were. They are frightened that some other part of the anatomy, equally...
NP: Kenneth Williams.
KW: Deviation, he said some other part of the anatomy whereas the eyes are not a part of the anatomy. So it's deviation.
NP: I think they are part of the anatomy, aren't they?
KW: Of course they're not! They're in the head!
NP: Isn't that your anatomy?
CF: It's part of the anatomy.
KW: Of course it isn't!
NP: I've never seen an anatomy without the head, I must say!
KW: They're clapping there! They're clapping! They're students from the College of Art! Yes! Of course they are!
NP: I'm going to ask the medical students...
CF: I'd like a medical student!
NP: ...if the eyes are part of the anatomy!
SH: They'd have to be because...
KW: Your cranium's not part of your anatomy, you great fool!
SH: Yes it is!
SH: What is it then?
NP: What is it then?
KW: That's your head, isn't it! The anatomy is the body!
NP: All right, shall I put it to the audience?
KW: No, no, you can't put it to the audience, I was talking a lot of rubbish, you can't possibly put it to the audience.
NP: Oh well thank you very much Kenneth, for being so honest. So what shall we do? Give it to Peter Jones then?
PJ: I'd be grateful for anything actually!
NP: The one, the one who's in fourth place actually is Kenneth Williams, but he's going to... All right then, Peter Jones because you, you come from Shropshire and I think that's a very good reason for you to take over the subject of sheep's eyes, 35 seconds left starting now.
PJ: And I believe south of the Atlas Mountains, the people there who cook in small tents with charcoal boilers do er cook these...
NP: Sheila Hancock's challenged.
SH: There was a definite er there.
NP: There's a definite er so that was a hesitation.
NP: So Sheila you've got the subject of sheep's eyes now and there are 26 seconds left starting now.
SH: When my husband was in the RAF he was invited by a sheik to have lunch with him. He sat cross-legged on the ground and the lunch was served and amongst it...
NP: Kenneth Williams you've challenged.
KW: We're just getting a load of procedural rubbish! We're not talking about sheep's eyes at all! He sits cross-legged on the ground! What's that got to do with anything? She's just filling in!
NP: So it was a repetition, it was a repetition of lunch, was it?
NP: It was a repetition of lunch.
KW: Yes! Exactly! Yes!
SH: Oh that's not fair!
KW: It was a repetition of lunch! Lunch! Twice!
SH: He didn't know that, Clement Freud...
KW: I did! I did! I knew! I was reserving it in my compartment!
SH: You're a cheat! (laughing) You're a cheat!
KW: Thank you!
NP: Yes he wanted, he wanted to get his laugh from the audience first before he gave his correct challenge.
SH: Oh you're siding against me!
KW: Good job! Shut your row!
NP: You are, you are winning Sheila actually. But I think everybody's had a little bit of fun...
KW: Come on! Come on!
SH: I'll fight you!
NP: No I think, it's, it's Kenneth's turn to be generous to him...
SH: Go on!
NP: You have 15 seconds Kenneth for your throb and let it go on sheep's eyes starting now.
KW: With the sheep's eyes and the liquorice teeth and the strong arms to carry you away! What more beautiful way could you introduce the subject? The look given to you by someone you're find of...
NP: Well at the end of that round Kenneth Williams leapt forward. And he's still in fourth place.
NP: And I'm afraid that's where he's going to remain because I've just been told by our producer that it's time to wind up, in other words, we have no more time to play Just A Minute. So the final score is that Kenneth Williams finished in fourth place after a final leap. But not to overtake Peter Jones who finished in third place, who did not manage to overtake Clement Freud who finished in second place, who didn't manage to overtake Sheila Hancock who got the lead early on and kept it right to the end. And by one she is this week's winner, Sheila Hancock! We do hope you have enjoyed this particular edition of Just A Minute and from all of us here good-bye!
ANNOUNCER: The chairman of Just A Minute was Nicholas Parsons, the programme was devised by Ian Messiter and produced by David Hatch.