JAM:KWilliams,CFreud,PJones,SHancock
WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE!

starring KENNETH WILLIAMS, CLEMENT FREUD, PETER JONES and SHEILA HANCOCK, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 27 January 1975)


THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: We present Kenneth Williams, Clement Freud, Peter Jones and Sheila Hancock in Just A Minute. And as the Minute Waltz fades away here to tell you about it is our chairman Nicholas Parsons.

NICHOLAS PARSONS: Thank you, thank you very much indeed, hello and welcome to Just A Minute. And once again I'm going to ask our four experienced panellists if they can speak for Just A Minute on some unlikely subject I'm going to give them without hesitation, without repetition and without deviating from the subject on the card which is in front of me. We'll begin the show this week with Kenneth Williams, and the subject, Kenneth, is my muscles.

SHEILA HANCOCK: Oh!

NP: Will you talk about my muscles, 60 seconds starting now.

KENNETH WILLIAMS: Well of course, these are a reference or should be a reference to...

BUZZ

NP: And you've been buzzed right away by Clement Freud.

CLEMENT FREUD: Two references.

NP: I mean there was two references. Very long and definite word. So 55 seconds are left Clement, you get the subject, a point for a correct challenge and you go on this for my muscles starting now.

CF: I collect my mussels from amongst the rocks and seaweed, especially on the west coast of Scotland, where, during the months of September, October, November, December, January, February, March and April, they are particularly succulent. Best eaten...

BUZZ

NP: Ah Sheila Hancock has challenged.

SH: Well I was going to say hesitation but that was a bit harsh.

NP: Yes I thought there was a hesitation there...

SH: Did you?

NP: Yes he he um didn't quite ah um keep the flow going. There are...

CF: Unlike you I suppose!

SH: Yeah!

NP: You got a bit too succulent!

PETER JONES: He ran out of months and he couldn't think of anything else to say!

NP: Sheila you have a correct challenge, you have a point, you have 36 seconds, my muscles starting now.

SH: Well my muscles are getting a bit of a worry. Because they're becoming slightly flabby. So therefore I spend five or 10 minutes each day having a little exercise in order to tone them up...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Repetition of little.

NP: Yes, I'm afraid you did say little before Sheila.

SH: Did I?

NP: Twenty-five seconds left for my muscles, Peter with you now.

PJ: Well I'm very grateful to my muscles, because they keep my skeleton together and prevent me from coming apart altogether! And they enable me to move and lift things because I'm immensely strong. I may not appear so to the casual observer and certainly the radio listeners are not in any position to know. But lift weights and raise from the ground...

WHISTLE

NP: Well as usual the whistle which goes after 60 seconds tells us the time is up, and whoever is speaking at that moment gets an extra point. It was Peter Jones so at the end of that round he's taken a very strong lead. Clement Freud, would you begin the next round, the subject is a first class sausage. Will you talk about one for Just A Minute starting now.

CF: A first class sausage really should be more than just a succulent titbit. When for instance I was escape officer in a boarding house in Eastbourne, first class sausages were used as a rope in order that people might leave the hostelry late at night! Or possibly get in early in the morning. The casing should be thick and tough and glutinous, with the contents not more than 40 percent bread, and ideally 55 percent meat with...

BUZZ

NP: Ah Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Repetition of percent.

NP: Yes quite right Peter, another correct challenge, another point to you, 28 seconds, a first class sausage starting now.

PJ: Now I'm not allowed to tell you where these first class sausages that I eat are obtainable in London. But if any listeners would care to send me a stamped addressed envelope, I should be delighted...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams.

KW: Deviation, this is pure advertising! I have never heard of anything so outrageous and insultingly blatant!

NP: But he said he would ask these postcards...

PJ: The most important thing about a first class sausage is finding out where to get one!

NP: If they write to him, he'll tell them! According to him. So well tried Kenneth, but I'm sorry, I disagree. There are 17 seconds for Peter to continue on a first class sausage starting now.

PJ: They are 99 percent pork, and really succulent and rich. The actual skin...

BUZZ

NP: Sheila Hancock.

SH: I don't believe they could be 99 percent pork, they wouldn't stick together. They'd be a pork chop!

PJ: Oh because they're in a skin! They're in a skin!

NP: Well that is one that I must put to the audience because I think Sheila's got a very good challenge. If you think that Sheila Hancock is ah right in her challenge and it's not a first class sausage, 99 percent meat, you cheer for Sheila, you boo for Peter, you do it all together now!

CHEERS AND BOOS FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: Thank you for those two boos at the end! The cheers have it and 99 percent meat sausage, we don't consider a sausage. And Sheila has nine seconds to continue on the subject starting now.

SH: This is sizzling and hot and has little pricks from the forks with fat oozing out of it, and is usually about...

WHISTLE

NP: Sheila Hancock was then speaking as the whistle went, 60 seconds was up at that moment and she gained the extra point and she's in second place at the end of that round. Peter Jones is still in the lead, and Peter Jones to begin the next round. Peter, what upsets me most, would you talk on that for Just A Minute starting now.

PJ: Those shopping trolleys that people drag up and down Oxford Street! I've been brought to my knees twice in the last month by those vehicles. They've got things that stick out like Boadicea's chariot, and they scar the leg tissues and they are up above the ankle very likely. And I've been er mutilated...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: Hesitation.

NP: I would agree with that hesitation Kenneth. So you get a point for a correct one, 40 seconds to continue on what upsets me most starting now.

KW: It's when people interrupt me in this programme! I think it's absolutely disgraceful! I've come all the way from Great Portland Street, it's not an area I usually frequent. But I've come here at great expense and considerable inconvenience! And I sit here and what happens? The first off, I was going to go on about my muscles, my pectoral ones, gleaming in the suntan oil. They bring you on! If you could only get a glimpse, you'd see what I was going on about! You'd know what I mean!

BUZZ

LAUGHTER FROM SH AND THE AUDIENCE

KW: And then I come here... shut up! Shut your mouth! I'll deal with you after!

NP: Kenneth...

KW: What's happened?

NP: You have been challenged by Clement Freud...

KW: Oh I'm sorry!

NP: ... Sheila Hancock and Peter Jones...

KW: Oh I do beg your pardon Clement.

NP: ... in that order! Clement challenged you first. Clement what was it?

CF: You name it! He did repeat "you know what I mean" a couple of times.

NP: Yes, you did repeat yourself, Clement got in first, there are 13 seconds on what upsets me most starting now.

CF: What upsets me most is when people talk about electrified haggisses which obviously don't exist. There seems to be no such thing in the culinary...

BUZZ


NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: He's talking about electrified haggisses and admits that they don't exist, and yet I was picked up on 100 percent pork sausage! I mean it's just ludicrous! A hundred percent...

NP: But the only person I've ever heard talk about electrified haggis was Clement Freud. And he's just said that when people talk on it, it bores him to death. So if he bores himself to death, it must be extremely devious. And so you must therefore have the subject with four seconds to go, what upsets me most starting now.

PJ: Well it's one of these ludicrous rules that is bent to serve the whim...

WHISTLE

NP: And Peter Jones speaking again as the whistle went increased his lead at the end of that round. Sheila Hancock, your turn to begin, and the subject is my baby.

SH: Oh!

NP: So would you talk about it for 60 seconds starting now.

SH: Well it was born a little while ago at a weight of eight pounds, two ounces, and very splendid she is too! Called Joanna Susie, and I think really rather pretty for a tiny creature, because usually they're rather plain! She has long black hair which is beginning to fall out, I'm afraid to say now. Tiny little fingers and everything is perfectly all right which was the first thing I checked when she appeared. I must say I am happier that she's outside because the last time I was on the programme, she wasn't, and I enjoy looking at her, rather than just feeling her. Um I... oh I don't know...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams.

KW: Obvious hesitation! I mean it was disgraceful!

NP: As you obviously said er, and you also have the subject...

SH: She's so new, I can't think of anything to say about her!

NP: But it was lovely what you did, and I'm sorry she wasn't at home to hear it all...

SH: What are you going to say about your baby then?

NP: Oh that's what, that's why we're so, that's why we're so delighted you hesitated Sheila. Because Kenneth Williams has 21 seconds to talk about my baby starting now.

KW: It's one of those sayings, if one has a particular pet possession, that it is my baby. One often hears "that's his baby"! And I suppose an actor giving birth to a performance, full of pregnance and joy and the burgeoning of loveliness could be said...

WHISTLE

NP: Well on this occasion it was Kenneth Williams speaking as the whistle went so he gained an extra point. Kenneth we're back with you, would you start the next round, the subject, a nice historical one that I know Ian Messiter's thought of specially for you, Pope Joan. Would you talk about her for Just A Minute starting now.

KW: Well all this is apocryphal. She never really existed. The story goes that it was a woman dressed up as a bloke and that her parents were English. But I doubt it. It says that the impersonation was so clever that she actually got into the professional route from the Latteren to Saint Peter's, and on the way gave birth to this child, and of course was found out not to be a bloke at all...

BUZZ

KW: ... in that having the baby, well they'd know, wouldn't they. If she was having a baby, you would know! But of course that's route been avoided ever since by all them... (laughs) all these professions you know...

NP: Kenneth!

KW: I don't believe a word of it! I don't believe there ever was a Pope Joan. I think it's just a sort of material thing that was viewed by these silly books...

NP: Kenneth! I'd save it in case you get back in again! Because you have actually been challenged.

KW: Who was it?

NP: Your friend next to you.

KW: Oh Clement! You again! (kisses CF) Yes go on! What were you going to say, love? What was your point?

CF: Of course, repetition.

NP: Clement you have a correct challenge, you have 32 seconds on Pope Joan starting now.

CF: Pope Joan is not someone who actually existed. But on the other hand Pope John, often pronounced by people who were incapable of enunciating vowels properly might well have been the person who Ian Messiter thought of when he put this on the card. Th gentleman...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams.

KW: Deviation, I mean only it has to be devious in so far as Ian Messiter would never mix up his names in that fashion! He's an extremely accurate man, well known for his accuracy and hs academic brilliance! It's most unlikely and moreover it's deviation because it's not the subject on the card which is Joan and not John! So there you are! Deviation!

NP: I don't really know what you're...

KW: Well of course you don't, your brain's so slow in going round! Look at you! Revive him! Give him some sal volatar for goodness sake! Or a firework up somewhere! I don't know! It's an absolute disgrace! He needs something, he does!

NP: Ah Kenneth...

KW: Well come on! What's your decision?

NP: You have Pope Joan for 14 seconds starting now.

KW: Oh I don't want her back again!

BUZZ

NP: Sheila Hancock has challenged.

SH: If he doesn't want her back again, I'll have her!

NP: All right! You have 13 seconds on Pope Joan starting now.

SH: When I was at school, there was a girl in my class called Joan Pope. And on the register, it was Pope Joan, because you know you have the surnames first when they call it out in the morning...

KW: I know, Williams Kenneth I was...

SH: And it's Hancock Sheila, Pope Joan, and this...

WHISTLE

KW: Oh! I was getting quite worked up!

NP: Well it's a very even contest so far. Sheila again speaking when the whistle went has gone into second place with that extra point, Peter Jones still in the lead. And Clement Freud to begin the next round, censorship Clement, can you talk on that for Just A Minute starting now.

CF: Censorship is the name given to when one man... imposes...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has...

KW: Well it's all a terrible mess, I just came in to help him out! I mean, "the name to when one"? I mean, he didn't even know what he was doing! Talk about me with my "of course"s, he wants to learn his grammar! It's a disgrace!

NP: So what is your challenge?

KW: Well deviation obviously...

NP: On what basis? Deviation of what?

KW: Of the English language! He was deviating from what is proper grammar!

NP: There are 54 seconds for you on censorship Kenneth starting now.

KW: (very fast as to be almost unintelligible) This is the kind of thing that is indulged in generally by the state. But I think there's an awful lot...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Repetition of coconut.

LAUGHTER FROM NP, PJ AND THE AUDIENCE

NP: Of coconut? No, he didn't repeat coconut, he repeated (makes gibberish sound). It wasn't coconut so Kenneth you've got another point and you have 50 seconds on censorship starting now.

KW: It happens to us in England in a sort of political plurality which is obviously the result of the Puritanical regime set up by that junta headed by Oliver Cromwell. And they decide that certain passages, including Doctor Bowdler, he had another hand in it, should be exorcised or excised, which ever your proclivities lead you towards, from the works of such people as Chaucer or Shakespeare and, I might add, the Bible! They even interfere with what happened to Lot! But she did say, "don't look back" to the wife, you see. Well of course she did, and was turned into a pillar of salt. Which was all right...

BUZZ

NP: Sheila Hancock's challenged.

SH: She did say "don't look back" to the wife?

NP: Yes, to quote you, my proclivities turn me towards Sheila on this occasion...

KW: Yes well I don't blame you! You've got very good taste!

NP: Thirteen seconds on censorship Sheila starting now.

SH: Censorship actually is non-existent in this country, except when it's...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: Censorship does exist in this country and it's absurd to sit there and say...

SH: I was just about to say "except I think".

KW: You said "except"!

SH: Except when, you didn't let me finish.

KW: Oh I beg your pardon! Oh I feel awful now! Oh, oh you've mortified me, you have! I mean, gently reproving me with that graciousness of yours! Oh I feel dreadful! Oh do continue!

NP: Eight and a half seconds on censorship Sheila starting now.

SH: Imposed by various bodies like the BBC...

BUZZ

NP: Oh Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Repetition of B.

NP: Yes Clement you have three and a half seconds on censorship starting now.

CF: There's a film called Night-watchmen On The...

WHISTLE

NP: Clement Freud was then speaking when the whistle went, he got that extra point. Peter's stayed still for quite a time, but maybe you'll have a chance to move now Peter. You have the starting subject, it is what I do in the rain. Can you talk about that for Just A Minute starting now.

PJ: Well it depends largely on what I happen to be wearing at the time. I have been known to cook on the barbecue in the garden while it's pouring, and guests watch through the window, applauding or whatever it is they do. Looking amused and laughing and enjoying it thoroughly, because they see that I am thoroughly uncomfortable. And then if I get enough applause and appreciation...

BUZZ

NP: Ah Clement Freud.

CF: Repetition of applause.

NP: Yes, but the people applauded you before.

SH: I think they were applauding actually but...

PJ: Yes applauded, and this is applause, you see. I carefully, I carefully thought of that...

SH: You didn't!

PJ: I, I...

NP: Peter Jones you have another point, 30 seconds, what I do...

SH: You owe me a point!

NP: ... in the rain starting now.

PJ: And if people clap...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Hesitation.

NP: No!

PJ: Rubbish!

NP: Twenty-nine seconds on what I do in the rain, Peter starting now.

PJ: If enough people put their hands together, I streak round the garden and...

BUZZ

NP: Ah...

APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: Start stripping Peter! Kenneth you challenged.

KW: I challenged on the grounds this is a family show, and I don't want to hear a load of filth! And I also, and I also object to this crowd here clapping that disgusting suggestion of people running around naked!

PJ: There you are, you see! After all that palaver about Lot and his wife...

NP: But when you talked about a family show, they applauded for him to streak! So it can't be much of a family audience.

KW: No, they're not!

NP: So therefore... unless they want to start a family of course! No um...

CF: Adam and Eve did streak, I mean...

NP: Oh yes! They definitely streaked yes. There are 24 seconds for you Peter to continue after an incorrect challenge on what I do in the rain starting now.

PJ: It can be very pleasant and stimulating and refreshing. If you don't care about the apparel that you have on and just wait around, getting sopping, but knowing that at the end of it all you can go home and have a hot shower and a cold martini or a whisky, whatever your proclivities suggest to you...

BUZZ

NP: Sheila Hancock has challenged.

SH: Proclivities.

PJ: I never used that word before in my life, let alone in this programme!

KW: I know where you got it though, mate! No wonder! You pinched it! You pinched that word off me!

SH: Oh he did it!

KW: That's shocking! Nobody's got any right to do that! I'm the one who says "proclivities"!

NP: Shut up Kenneth!

KW: That's right! Put people down, you rotten bully! You filthy swine!

SH: He repeated garden a long time ago too.

NP: Yes it's too late, you challenged on proclivities.

SH: Oh!

NP: He's not used it before, to my knowledge, ever in his life.

SH: Oh!

NP: And so there are three seconds on what I do in the rain Peter starting now.

PJ: I just put my umbrella up and I sing because...

WHISTLE

SH: A likely story!

NP: Well ladies and gentlemen and listeners, that was a very unusual round because as they were all incorrect challenges, Peter Jones now has a commanding lead!

PJ: A commanding lead!

NP: Um Sheila, your turn to begin, the subject is my favourite pub. Would you talk about that for Just A Minute starting now.

SH: I find this rather difficult to talk about, because I don't honestly like them very much, having been brought up in one. And if you had, you have the smell of beer in your nostrils for the rest of your life. Because it gets into your clothes and your hair and everything. However there...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Deviation.

NP: Why?

CF: It doesn't get into my hair!

LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: Give Clement a point for a good challenge, leave the subject with um Sheila Hancock. My favourite pub, there are 44 seconds left starting now.

SH: There is however a very nice one in Gloucestershire...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones.

PJ: Repetition of however.

NP: Peter, you have er 42 seconds on my favourite pub starting now.

PJ: Well it has a lot of very nice horse brasses, and no piped music. Just a piano on the right-hand side of the bar. And a lot of the locals come in quite regularly, and I am on very good terms with them. And also with the barmaid, the landlord, and his charming wife who has very elaborate hairdos and tinkling earrings. The beer is not of the best quality, but then I'm not a particular connoisseur of this liquid because I prefer a tot of wine or even a spirits on occasion. There's a roaring coal fire in the...

WHISTLE

NP: Well Peter Jones is in great form this week! He's increased his lead, he's way ahead of the others. And Kenneth Williams your turn to begin, the subject is gas. Can you talk about that for Just A Minute starting now.

KW: It begins of course, with a little blue flame which going up a marsh is known as a will of the wisp. And of course, over here we...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Repetition of "of course".

NP: Fifty-two seconds on gas with you Clement starting now.

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth has challenged, your light didn't come on Kenneth, and you've got gas back again for hesitation, well done! There are 49 seconds on gas with you starting now.

KW: Ours comes to us from Bacton, which is in Norfolk. It's piped through these various mechanics and the pump...

BUZZ

NP: Um Clement Freud.

CF: Deviation, you cannot pipe through a mechanic!

LAUGHTER FROM SH, PJ AND THE AUDIENCE

KW: Yes you see, you're wrong! Now there he's wrong, you see! Because he's thinking of mechanics in the terms of people that do mechanical work. But there's another definition in the dictionary of mechanics, that it means mechanisms. Mechanics, you see.

NP: I think, I think he had a very good challenge.

KW: No it's not a good challenge at all.

NP: I think he had a very good challenge...

CF: Downright cruel!

NP: I give him a point and the subject and there are 39 seconds on gas Clement starting now.

CF: When our house was converted from one type of gas to another, a number of people arrived, dismantled the stove, undid the central heating pipes and moved in, in fact they paid a week's rent in advance, because they said this may well take a long time. And of course they were right!

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: Well deviation. I don't want anything like that said about an authority like that! They are wonderful, those boys! Those lovely lads! Oh they're wonderful! They've done a wonderful job for me! Oh I mean, I can't tell you what I would have been through...

NP: Well I can say they came up to do the same job for me three times, and each time they came up and did a different job.

KW: Well you've probably got a difficult flue! You might have an awful one like mine, dear, but they are wonderful!

NP: I got a little letter when I said that they hadn't dismantled the correct pipe and they wrote back saying "dear sir, we cannot find your pipe!"

KW: Oh! I didn't know you were a smoker!

LOUD LAUGHTER FROM KW, PJ AND THE AUDIENCE

KW: Ah the wit! Laugh? I nearly bought me own beer!

NP: There are... there are 14 seconds for you on gas, yes Kenneth, starting now.

KW: Well where would we be without it? And the wonderful thing about the new form is that it is totally without odour. And consequently...

BUZZ

KW: Who buzzed me?

NP: Sheila Hancock has challenged.

SH: Repetition of without.

NP: Oh that's not fair!

KW: You are awful! You know, you lack any kind of gallantry! That's one thing about you! No gallantry!

SH: Well I've been challenged for however!

NP: Yes!

KW: Yes that's true! Oh yes well that's true.

NP: Sheila you have six seconds on gas starting now.

SH: The Americans call wind gas...

KW: Oh!

SH: And in Doctor Spock it says about you have to do...

WHISTLE

NP: Well they all got some points talking about gas and I've just had a message that we have no more time for this particular game so let me give you now the final result. Clement Freud and Kenneth Williams were equal in third place. They were behind Sheila Hancock, but Peter Jones was undoubtedly our winner, way in the lead! This week's winner, Peter Jones! We hope you've enjoyed this edition of Just A Minute, from all of us here, good-bye!

THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: The chairman of Just A Minute was Nicholas Parsons, the programme was devised by Ian Messiter and produced by John Lloyd.