JAM:KWilliams,DNimmo,CFreud,AMelly
WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE!

starring KENNETH WILLIAMS, DEREK NIMMO, CLEMENT FREUD and ANDREE MELLY, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 4 March 1969)


THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: We present Kenneth Williams, Derek Nimmo, Clement Freud and Andree Melly in Just A Minute. And as the Minute Waltz fades away here to tell you about it is our chairman Nicholas Parsons.

NICHOLAS PARSONS: Thank you, thank you very much indeed, hello and welcome once again to Just A Minute. And in Just A Minute these four clever people will try and speak for Just A Minute on some unlikely subject that I will give them, without hesitation, without repetition and without deviation, going off the subject in any way at all. And they will score points or otherwise according to how well they do this. So let us begin this particular game with Kenneth Williams. What to do with your vitality, that is the subject Kenneth. Will you try and speak for Just A Minute starting now.

KENNETH WILLIAMS: Well there are many views on what people should do with their vitality. Some people go to gymnasiums to work off their excess...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo you challenged, why?

DEREK NIMMO: Deviation.

NP: Why?

DN: Well this is a correction, gymnasia.

NP: well all right, all I can say is here that the wird... you are correct. I think colloquially a lot of people say gymnasiums. And Kenneth Williams your ums are, gain you a point. And so you have one point for me not upholding that challenge. And you continue with 50 seconds, what to do with your vitality, starting now.

KW: The aser um the ever...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud you challenged.

CLEMENT FREUD: His ums.

NP: His ums.

KW: Well he ruined it, I mean he ruined the whole intellectual flow!

NP: Yes. So you started your flow but you couldn't get going.

KW: It's ludicrous!

NP: You couldn't get your vitality going then could you Kenneth?

KW: No!

NP: So as Clement Freud's challenge is upheld, I then grant him apoint and he has 47 seconds for what to do with your vitality starting now.

CF: One of the finest things that you can do with your vitality is go and see Derek Nimmo perform at the theatre when he comes on in a pair of boots and prances around stage, and the audience applauds, and cheers and shouts "encore"...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams why have you challenged?

KW: This is nothing to do with using your vitality, it's just a plug for Derek Nimmo!

NP: And you are jealous of your friend, giving so much to Derek Nimmo? I agree, it sounds a very relaxed way to enjoy yourself watching Derek Nimmo. So Kenneth I grant you a point and you have now two points and you have 32 seconds, what to do with your vitality, starting now.

KW: What you should do with it is to channel it, and preferably applause and the...

BUZZ

NP: Andree Melly why do you challenge?

ANDREE MELLY: Hesitation.

NP: I think it was, I'm sorry Kenneth.

KW: Where?

NP: You didn't exactly stop but the sort of contortion of words was such so as to interpret it as hesitation. So Andree Melly has a point and she has 28 seconds for what to do with your vitality starting now.

AM: Go in for different sports like football, skiing, swimming's very nice...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams.

KW: Hesitation!

NP: Andree Melly has another point because she didn't hesitate...

KW: Yes she did! Most certainly she hesitated! They all heard it!

CRIES OF "YES" FROM THE AUDIENCE

KW: No wonder... no wonder I never win it! He's partisan! You can see he's partisan! You can see him ogling her here!

NP: You won it recently! Kenneth Williams you won it handsomely quite recently. You are brilliant at playing to the audience...

BUZZ

KW: What's that about?

NP: That's...

DN: I, I'm buzzing for deviation. He didn't win it handsomely!

KW: Oh!

NP: Kenneth Williams won it, he can play to the audience. You can't challenge on an interruption. Andree Melly has another point and she has 23 seconds for what to do with your vitality starting now.

AM: Get up early in the morning and so exercises in front of an open window. Breathe in deeply, then touch your toes, jump up and down a bit. And then have a cold bath, that'll give you even more vitality...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo.

DN: Hesitation.

NP: Hesitation that time, yes. Derek you have 12 seconds for what to do with your vitality starting now.

DN: Well I don't know what you do with your vitality but I know what I do...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud...

CF: Deviation, if you don'7;t know what to do.

NP: That's one of those...

APPLAUSE FROM THE CROWD

NP: You were all against Clement a little while ago...

KW: No, I've never been against him!

NP: Well all right, that clever challenge, I give the benefit of the doubt, that's the only way I can put it to Clement Freud, he has another point, he has eight seconds for what to do with your vitality Clement starting now.

CF: Race around a football pitch which is about 480 yards and when you pass the goalposts jump up and down...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo why have you challenged.

DN: Deviation.

NP: Why?

DN: He's talking about what he's doing with his vitality and the question is what you do with your vitality.

CF: This is advice to my people!

NP: I actually did say to him what to do with your vitality Clement starting now, I think he was justified in interpreting the er quotation that way. And so Clement has two seconds for what to do with your vitality Clement starting now.

CF: Spring back along the greyhound track...

WHISTLE

NP: For those who may still be a little vague about the scoring, whoever is speaking when the whistle goes gains an extra point. On this occasion it was Clement Freud who now has a lead. He's actually got four points. Kenneth and Andree Melly have got two... Kenneth and Andree Melly, it sounds like a double act, doesn't it! Kenneth Williams and Andree Melly. Derek Nimmo's got one and Derek you begin the next round. Changing the guard. Derek that's the subject, 60 seconds starting now.

DN: I always start changing the guard at Edgeville Station. This is a station near Liverpool which is in the county of Lancashire. I go along there with three friends armed with stout cudgels. We go down and meet the 4.37 train as it arrives on the platform. As the train stops on the platform we go and pull the guard out from inside his carriage. He gets so surprised, you have no idea how surprised he gets. And then we proceed to change him. The last... last time we were changing the guard, we tied him...

BUZZ

NP: Andree Melly.

AM: Hesitation.

NP: Yes, yes. It's a pity, I'd love to know what they did! So Andree you take over the subject, having gained another point, 23 seconds for changing the guard starting now.

AM: Christopher Robin liked watching this very much and went there with Alice to see the changing the guard at Buckingham Palace. Every afternoon at...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Deviation, she is talking about watching it, not changing it. The subject is changing the guard, not watching the changing of the guard.

NP: Yes but she was not watching it.

DN: No, Christopher Robin was.

NP: Christopher Robin was and it is still the subject of changing the guard whether you're watching it or doing it or even being as devious as Derek Nimmo, physically taking a British Railways Guard off and putting other clothes on which is a disgusting thought...

KW: Yes absolutely, I think that is... absolutely disgusting!

NP: Andree Melly has another point and there are 12 seconds left for changing the guard starting now.

AM: When you have an open fire with coal and wood burning, and you have a small baby, it's very advisable to change the guard in front of it which you had before...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo why have you challenged?

DN: How many guards has she got?

NP: I don't know but she's gained another point...

DN: Deviation. It's changing one guard, she's changing two guards.

NP: She's changing the guard...

AM: From one to another!

NP: I'm on your side Andree, don't... She's changing the guard in front of her fire, and there are four seconds left for the subject. You gain another point and she starts now.

AM: I have a small one and when my baby was born I changed it...

WHISTLE

NP: So the changing of the guard puts Andree Melly into a very definite lead over all the others. She's now got a lead of two over Clement Freud who's in second place. Clement Freud you're going to begin the next round, how to make your own gin. Clement would you talk on that subject for 60 seconds if you can starting now.

CF: This is an entirely illegal thing to do, unless you get permission from the proper authorities. Therefore to make your own gin you write to the customs and excise authorities demanding permission to install a still in or thereabout your presence.

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo why have you challenged?

DN: Still, hesitation.

NP: I think the only fair thing to say, it was a very clever try. I won't award any points for that and just ask Clement Freud to continue, 45 seconds for how to make your own gin starting now.

CF: In the fullness of time the commissioners will write back to you giving you permission to do so provided that the returns are submitted every week. And you go out and purchase juniper berries, pure alcohol, sugar and distilled water which is essential to the exercise. You also go to the chemist's shop and buy alcohol without which the gin will not be as pure or as strong as it ought to be. You then have to decide whether the gin you prefer is gin that is dry or the...

BUZZ

NP: Andree Melly why have you...

AM: Repetition, too many gin.

NP: Yes that is perfectly right...

CF: Oh really?

NP: So Andree has the subject and she has 13 seconds for how to make her own gin starting now.

AM: I don't have the slightest idea (collapses in laughter)

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo you challenged.

DN: Deviation, she hasn't the slightest idea.

NP: Derek you have a point, you have 12 seconds for how to make your own gin starting now.

DN: How to make your own gin is the subject of this question. What I always do is I go along to the blacksmith and I ask him for a piece of steel. I take it along, I put it on the floor and I beat it with a heavy hammer...

WHISTLE

NP: As Derek Nimmo was speaking as the whistle went, he gains another point. He's now equal in second place behind Andree Melly. Kenneth Williams who's trailing a little. Kenneth, things I write in my diary. Can you go on for 60 seconds on that subject starting now.

KW: Well I can go on for 60 seconds, but I don't know that I can be entirely frank and of course that is the reason why I put these things in my diary. My diary could be called something of a father confessor and I think it's very delightful to be able to put certain things in your diary which you couldn't possibly say in real life! How often one's dying to say "oh you great bore! Shut your mouth!" And of course you can't. But in your diary you can, and you can put as much acrimony and spleen into it as you like. And needless to say mine is full of it. I just stick pictures in it, I stick bits out of the newspaper in it along with my very pungent comments...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud why have you challenged?

CF: Deviation.

NP: Why?

CF: The question was things that I write in my diary. And he's now sticking pictures into it.

NP: Yes! That is perfectly correct...

KW: Yes it is true. He's got a point!

NP: He's got a point in more senses than one and he has the subject with 17 seconds for things I write in my diary starting now.

CF: The things that I write in my diary are invariably quotations from Shakespeare. "Oh that we had now here but one ten thousand of those men in England" is what I put on January the 15th. On the other hand, November the 11th: "to be or not to be..."

WHISTLE

NP: So Clement Freud's diary written in the future puts him into first place, exactly equal with Andree Melly. Derek Nimmo will you begin the next round, preparing for the worst. That is the subject and will you start now.

DN: I always enjoy preparing for the worst. I actually started doing it about seven weeks, three days...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud...

KW: Hesitation!

NP: But Clement Freud buzzed!

KW: Well it was me simultaneously, you see.

NP: You mean that Clement Freud is handing it over to you?

KW: No, no, I'm sorry, if it was him first, I give way. I certainly give way! That's the second part of my nature!

NP: Well I must go by the lights that come up here Kenneth and Clement Freud's light came up first. So Clement Freud has the subject, preparing for the worst, starting now.

CF: What I do when the Worsts come to dinner is to prepare for them. Like burn a potato sopu. For this I use onions and butter which I leave overnight in the saucepan until the water turns sour. Add stale flour and sour cream. And with this my guests are usually entirely satisfied. I then go on to the fish course. The fish, they say, when they come to my house, is off. And they mean this in more meanings than one...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams why have you...

KW: Repetition, meaning.

NP: They said...

DN: More meanings than one must be repetition.

AM: Yes.

KW: Yes.

DN: Oh yes!

NP: More meanings than one is repetition! (laughs) Very... I pause because I'm in great doubt about it. But I'm going to give you the benefit of the doubt and 21 seconds for preparing for the worst starting now.

KW: The thing to do is to get your sandbags and preferably knit them yourself, because then you know that they are reliable. And mount them in a great bank until you have ample protection from any kind of flood or other misfortune that may be in the air. Then get yourself plenty of tinned stuff in, in case you can't get out...

WHISTLE

NP: Andree begins the next round, the subject is the ideal man. Andree would you give us your ideas on this subject for Just A Minute starting now.

AM: The ideal man is my husband, who brings me breakfast in bed without the toast three inches thick one side, and dwindling to a mere burnt nothing on the other. Of course and I...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams why have you challenged?

KW: Deviation, we're talking about the ideal man, not making toast!

NP: We're getting slightly to the stage Kenneth where as long as you challenge, the audience will applaud!

KW: I haven't challenged for ages!

NP: I know you haven't and that's why they applaud!

KW: Oh!

NP: Kenneth I'm going to give you the slight benefit of the doubt on that and you have another point and you have 43 seconds for the ideal man starting now.

KW: The ideal man is something nobody can possibly envisage...

LOUD AUDIENCE LAUGHTER

KW: I'm being put greatly at a disadvantage here with Clement Freud towering over me, trying to introduce some sort of psychological...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo why have you challenged?

DN: Well the subject is the ideal man, he's talking about Clement Freud!

APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: Too many people, I'm sure that Clement Freud would be the ideal man. So therefore that challenge is not upheld...

KW: Thank you!

NP: Kenneth Williams whether you agree with that particular statement or not you have 30 seconds to continue talking about the ideal man starting now.

KW: The ideal man being ideal of course cannot be visualised on this earth. But the nearest you will get is of course myself. I ...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud why have you challenged?

CF: Deviation, we have already established that I am the ideal man!

APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: Clement Freud... Clement Freud, I must tell you that we have definitely not established that! And I definitely said that you might be some people's idea, and that might be some small or large, I've no doubt. It might even be Ian Messiter or Derek Nimmo. So...

SOUND OF ONE MAN APPLAUDING

NP: It might even be that man in the audience.

CF: That man was Mrs Nimmo!

NP: Kenneth Williams has another point and Kenneth you continue for another 20 seconds on the ideal man starting now.

KW: The ideal man should embody the qualities of course of truth and goodness and beauty...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo why have you challenged?

DN: Hesitation.

NP: Yes yes, he was so getting carried away with his ideal man that he lost that one on hesitation. There are 11 seconds for you Derek Nimmo on the ideal man staring now.

DN: The ideal man could have hair on the top of his head. Then have two eyes, eyebrows, a nose, two ears, a mouth, a good set of teeth...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams.

KW: It's repetition.

NP: Of what?

KW: All these features.

NP: Yes well done. You have another point Kenneth Williams and you have four seconds for the ideal man starting now.

KW: The ideal man is something approximating...

BUZZ

NP: Andree Melly why did you challenge?

AM: He said the ideal man an awful lot of times...

KW: You're allowed to.

AM: Repetition.

NP: I know but you are actually, Andree, allowed to say the title subject of... the title of the subject...

AM: Each time? Oh I'm sorry.

KW: Yes! You're a dunce dear! Always sticking her oar in!

NP: Don't be vicious Kenneth!

KW: Well!

NP: It doesn't become you.

KW: I can't get off the ground and I...

NP: You've got a point!

KW: Yes I get worked up with my intellectual flow!

NP: Yes!

KW: I lost my intellectual flow!

NP: And when we come back your intellectual flow is gone. You only have three seconds to gather up your intellectual low... (laughs) Gather it up whatever it is Kenneth! And for three seconds talk about the ideal man starting now.

KW: The ideal man will materialise if I were able to walk into a mirror...

WHISTLE

NP: Well that final narcissistic thought of Kenneth Williams makes him... oh he really has! He hasn't said it himself, I'm going to say it for him, he has leapt into the lead!

KW: Hooray!

LOUD APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE

KW: Oh that's joy for all mankind!

NP: Kenneth, Kenneth Williams, we want you to do as well as you have been doing and the subject is actually in keeping with this now. It's where I get my inspiration. Your face has gone a pale green.

KW: Well it's so complicated!

NP: Yes all right, all right. Just have a little thought about it because I must be fair and start talking on the subject now.

KW: Yes I usually get my inspiration from books. And the sayings of great men. I often reflect upon the saying of Voltaire "I disagree heartily with what you say, but will defend to the death your right to say it". And what an inspiration that has been to me. And indeed what an inspiration it has been for all democracies as we know. Democracies, not in the sense of American democracies, which I don;t think are democratic at all...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud...

CF: Three democracies...

NP: Clement Freud has challenged you Kenneth.

CF: Repetition.

NP: Of what?

CF: Democracies.

NP: Yes, yes, all right, I just wanted to make sure we know what we're talking about. Thirty seconds for where I get my inspiration Kenneth Freud... Kenneth Freud? I've done it again! I said two weeks ago they were going to announce their engagement at the end of the series, I've now married them off! Clement Freud...

HUGE LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: You needn't give the audience the impression it's already happened Kenneth!

KW: I'm looking at you in part.

NP: Well don't change your affections so rapidly. Clement Freud, 30 seconds for where I get my inspiration starting now.

CF: I usually get my inspiration from Kenneth Williams. From the firm line of his lips, his clear eye and his twitching nostril and somehow I find that intellectually I work that much better and that much harder. Kenneth Williams is an inspring man for anyone wishing to make a career...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo why have you challenged?

DN: Repetition of Kenneth Williams.

NP: Yes we've had rather a lot of Kenneth Williams in that round! Not only did Clement, I think he did jolly well to keep going. Because I must explain to the listeners that, that Kenneth Williams was breathing down his earhole the whole time! Anyway he said Kenneth Williams three times, Derek Nimmo spotted it, he has 12 seconds for where I get my inspiration starting now.

DN: I go to get my inspiration from the middle of St James' Park. And I sit on a bench and I watch the ducks swimming so gently around the clear, grey, muddy water...

WHISTLE

NP: Well it's a very interesting stage we're at because for once all four of them are very close and there's only about three or points that separate anyone from the other. This is the last round so it's very exciting. Derek Nimmo's going to begin it and we've got a long subject for him. What to do if you get your big toe caught in the bath tap. I'm sure Derek Nimmo can talk very ably on that subject, and 60 seconds will do Derek starting now.

DN: I would like now to tell you what I do when I get my big toe stuck in the bath tap. I shout "help". And if nobody hears my cry I lie back and in my hand I have Kenneth Williams' diary. And I read it and I look at all the pretty little pictures he's stuck in there. And you've no idea how entertaining that diary is. Other things I do, is I have a little dish of food there, which has been...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud why have you challenged?

CF: Hesitation.

NP: No! I don't think so, no no no no, he was just naturally playing to the audience. Derek Nimmo you have another point and you have 31 seconds for what to do if you get your big toe caught in the bath tap starting now.

DN: And as I lie back in the water I think...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud why have you challenged?

CF: Deviation, he's talking about himself. The question is what to do.

DN: Well I'm lying there...

NP: The question is what to do...

DN: If you're stuck you can't do much!

NP: All right, I can justify that. What to do if you get your big toe stuck... I mean caught in the bath tap. So if it's your big toe, it must be what he's doing. So Derek Nimmo has another point...

KW: Good! Good!

NP: ..and he has 29 seconds for what to do if you get your big toe caught in the bath tap starting now.

DN: I lie back in the rapidly cooling water...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams...

KW: Deviation, he couldn't lie back if he had his big toe caught in the tap, could he?

NP: You don't know Derek Nimmo's big toe! And a lot of people who have seen them feel that he could do even more than lie back! So Derek Nimmo has another point, he has 26 seconds for what to do if you get your big toe caught in the bath tap starting now.

DN: And I think to myself what fun it would be to go on to Edgehill Station and get hold of the guard on the 4.37...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams.

KW: Deviation, Edgehill Station's got nothing to do with putting your foot in the tap!

DN: I'm thinking about what I'm doing.

NP: He's thinking about what he would do if he got his big toe caught in the bath tap. So I think it's all, I think I must give him the benefit of the doubt the last time and he has 19 seconds for what to do if you get your big toe caught in the bath tap starting now.

DN: And I think how awfully nice it would be...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud.

CF: Well if that was the last time you're giving him the benefit of the doubt...

APPLAUSE FROM THE CROWD

KW: Yes! Very true!

NP: Ladies and gentlemen of the audience will you be the judge in this impossible situation that I'm regularly placed. Do you think I should give the benefit of the doubt to Clement Freud? If you think he deserves the benefit of the doubt now, cheer, and if you disagree boo, and will you all do it together now.

CHEERS AND BOOS FROM THE AUDIENCE

KW: Yeah, the cheers had it! The cheers had it!

NP: Kenneth Williams is always the judge! He's utterly partisan! Kenneth... Clement Freud has another point, he has... 18 seconds for what to do if you get your big toe caught in the bath tap Clement starting now.

CF: What...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: I don't think that Clement... that Kenneth Williams ought to be able to award points to his fiancée!

NP: You're absolutely right Derek, absolutely right. But as Kenneth Williams is not officially engaged to Clement Freud he can still award him points! So I'm still with Clement Freud, 19 seconds for what to do if you get your bath toe caught in the bath tap starting now.

CF: What to do when you get your big toe caught in the bath tap is to have it amputated. You shout and get someone else to ring... to er...

BUZZ

NP: Andree Melly.

AM: Hesitation.

NP: Yes indeed there was. Andree what would you do if you got your big toe caught in the bath tap, last six seconds coming up, starting now.

AM: What I would do if I got my big toe caught in the bath tap is to get hold of the soap and rub the whole of my foot with this soap including the dirt...

WHISTLE

KW: She's brilliant isn't she!

NP: Well that whistle was the final whistle and what an interesting result we have. It really was for the first time very nearly a draw for all. But let me read backwards, I prefer it because I can't read forwards. If Kenneth Williams will stop acting to the audience, they might concentrate on what I'm saying. Because the result of the game is that Kenneth Williams and Andree Melly are in a very commanding fourth place... third place equal. And just one point ahead of them in second place is the one and only Derek Nimmo. And just ahead of him, only two points, is this week's winner this week, Clement Freud.

KW: Oh! Nice!

THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: The chairman of Just A Minute was Nicholas Parsons, the programme was devised by Ian Messiter and produced by David Hatch.