JAM:KWilliams,DNimmo,CFreud,AMelly
WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE!

starring KENNETH WILLIAMS, DEREK NIMMO, CLEMENT FREUD and ANDREE MELLY, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 29 September 1969)


THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: We present Kenneth Williams, Derek Nimmo, Clement Freud and Andree Melly in Just A Minute. And as the Minute Waltz fades away here to tell you about it is our chairman Nicholas Parsons.

NICHOLAS PARSONS: Thank you very much indeed and hello and welcome to the first in this new series of Just A Minute. The contestants in the game are going to try and try to speak for Just A Minute on some subject I will give them and they will try and do this without hesitating, without repeating themselves and without deviating from the subject in any way. In other words, no hesitation, no repetition and no deviation. If one of the others thinks they are guilty of these crimes, they will press the buzzer in front of them. And if I uphold the challenge, I will award them a point and they will take over the subject for the remaining seconds. And if I don't, then the person speaking then gains a point and carries on with the subject. Derek Nimmo would you begin the first, and here is the subject to begin this new series, what to reply to how do you do. Will you try and speak on that subject for Just A Minute starting now.

DEREK NIMMO: I'd like to speak if I may for Just A Minute on what to reply when someone says "how do you do". As a matter of fact, I always say "I'm terribly well, frightfully fit, in splendid condition as a matter of fact". And I always then say "ha-ha-ha-how are you" as well, which is a rather interesting thing to say. Sometimes mind, when I am in Scotland, I don't. Now that's interesting, you see. If I am in Scotland and someone says "how do you do?" I say (in Scottish accent) "aye, ye bleakin' gorrell here!" Which tends to surprise people even if they don't know what it means, nor do I, of course really! Now if I am in Spain, I say (speaks in Spanish). And that tends to surprise...

BUZZ

NP: Andree Melly you pressed your buzzer, why do you challenge?

ANDREE MELLY: Hesitation.

NP: Hesitation when?

AM: In Spain!

NP: Ah I don't think he did hesitate in Spain.

AM: After he said happy.

NP: No, no, no, he didn't hesitate in Spain. So Derek Nimmo therefore gains a point as I don't uphold Andree's challenge, he continues with the subject with 27 seconds left starting now.

DN: Well thank you very much for letting me continue with the subject of how to reply to "how do you do". I think it's terribly sporting of you really. Now I was going down the Strand just three moments ago when somebody came silently behind me and said "how do you do?" And I...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams why have you challenged?

KENNETH WILLIAMS: Deviation, how could they go up silently and say "how do you do?"

LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: A very clever challenge! You see how clever they've got at the game. And Kenneth Williams I award you a point, you have 13 and a half seconds for the subject of what to reply to "how do you do" starting now.

KW: I always say I'm fine, thank you, which is...

BUZZ

NP: Andree Melly, you challenged, why?

AM: Repetition because he says he always says it.

APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: Yes but you see he hasn't actually repeated himself in this particular round of Just A Minute. What I think might be fair though, I hope the audience will agree, is to award you a point for cleverness...

KW: Yes, she is clever! I admit that!

NP: And you Kenneth continue with the subject with nine seconds left for what to reply to "how do you do" starting now.

KW: This is ridiculous because I really should not say that at all. I should say "absolutely terrible" because that is how I feel most of the time. This is a...

WHISTLE

KW: Thank you! Oh that's wonderful!

NP: I must explain once more the rules to anybody who may not have heard of the show before, whoever is speaking when the whistle is blown gains an extra point. In this case it was Kenneth Williams...

KW: Yes!

NP: ...who at the end of that first round...

KW: I'm in the lead!

NP: Yes!

KW: Yeah!

NP: Kenneth has a commanding lead...

KW: Oh!

NP: ...of two over Clement Freud who's yet to speak.

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud you've challenged, why?

CLEMENT FREUD: I was going to speak!

NP: Clement I've noticed usually comes from behind like a dark horse and often takes the lead at the end. Andree Melly would you begin the second round, the subject is on being a bridesmaid. Would you speak for Just A Minute on that subject starting now.

AM: There are certain rules and rituals about being a bridesmaid. The most important thing to know is that you must never look prettier than the bride. Because it's her day! And if you happen to be more glamorous and she happens to choose the clothes that you are going to wear, you may find yourself in a rather hideous shade of pink with something very nasty on your head! You get given a present by the bridegroom, and if you go in for being a bridesmaid very often you might collect the whole lot of powder compacts, and if you're a child, a collection of seedless... ooh!

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo, you challenged, why?

DN: Um hesitation.

NP: Yeah hesitation. Yes, you didn't need to hesitate about it, it's quite definite. Derek Nimmo, you have the subject now, there are 28 seconds left, will you try and talk for the next 28 seconds on being a bridesmaid starting now.

DN: I would like to speak on being a bridesmaid. I too, always try not to look prettier than the bride! This of course as you will imagine, I find really rather difficult. I tend to wear the paler shades of blue, perhaps inorgandy or in slipper satin. And then I also wear a rather a lovely posey, usually of rosebuds, those little tiny rosebuds, om pink or white and a similar little grouping on my hands. And I do find as I come along...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud you challenged.

CF: Hesitation.

NP: Yes there was a definite hesitation and there are only two seconds left for you to talk about being a bridesmaid starting now.

CF: I have very little difficulty...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: No, just a minute, Derek Nimmo challenged, why?

DN: Well deviation, he hasn't spoke about bridesmaids yet. And if, and if he's only got two seconds, he won't have time!

NP: Derek I think you're being very clever to try and get in with one second, and get an extra bonus point but I must not uphold your challenge. Clement Freud has another point, he has two seconds left for being a bridesmaid starting now.

CF: Oh, to be a bridesmaid...

BUZZ

WHISTLE

NP: No, the actual buzzer went before the whistle, it was Andree Melly who challenged. Why did you challenge Andree?

AM: Because it's deviation, he's married, so he'd have to be a maid of honour!

LAUGHTER FROM DN AND THE AUDIENCE

NP: You are being very clever! The subject is on being a bridesmaid, if you had had him for repeating the word bridesmaid, I would have...

AM: Oh to be a bridesmaid!

NP: No, no, no, I am afraid that all that's happened is that Clement Freud has another point, so Clement Freud has taken the lead at the end of that round and he is only one point in front of the others. And Clement would you begin the next round, the subject is things I would abolish. And you begin now.

CF: The things that I would abolish, above all else, are house names. Many is the time that I have gone down the street to look for More Repo, or even somebody else's Repo and been utterly unable to find it. The nice think about an organised and orderly society is that you can go into a street and know that somebody lives at number 52. Goodness knows house numbers are pretty...

BUZZ

NP: Andree Melly you challenged, why?

AM: Ah hesitation.

NP: Hesitation indeed. Andree would you take up the subject with 33 seconds left, things i would abolish starting now.

AM: The first thing I would abolish is Kenneth...

BUZZ

NP: Ah Clement Freud has challenged you.

CF: It's the plural, thing.

DN: She said first thing.

CF: Yes. It's things.

NP: Yes but the first thing...

CF: Things.

NP: Yes well she said the first so that's the first of many things she would abolish.

KW: Oh he's on her side, isn't he!

NP: Andree Melly you have another point, you have 31 seconds for things I would abolish starting now.

AM: Is Clement Freud's right thumb which is so fast on his particular buzzer that he gets the points before I can get my hand on mine at all...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud you challenged.

CF: For hesitation, she definitely...

NP: No, she didn't hesitate. Andree you have 23 seconds left...

CF: We're leaving!

NP: Kenneth Williams and Clement Freud would like to leave!

LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: I'm afraid you cannot be excused now, you should have done it before you came on the programme! Andree Melly has a point, she has 23 seconds left for things I would abolish starting now.

AM: The second thing is the subjects that Clement Freud has as they're particularly difficult...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud challenged, why?

CF: Repetition of Clement Freud.

NP: Yes indeed! And we don't want too much repetition of Clement Freud! So he gains a point on his own name and he has 19 seconds left for the subject starting now.

CF: Hip transplants and all other transplants I would also abolish...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo why have you challenged?

DN: Repetition of transplants.

NP: Hip transplants, yes, all other transplants, yes, that is a repetition. Derek Nimmo you have the subject, 14 seconds, things I would abolish starting now.

DN: I would like to abolish pylons that one sees striding across the countryside with tremendous ugliness. They would be relegated underground...

BUZZ

NP: Clement, no, Kenneth Williams you challenged.

KW: Deviation, py, pylons cannot stride!

LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: You are keeping very silent Kenneth, and coming up with these gems of wisdom and deep thought.

KW: Yes.

NP: And so you've gained yourself a point and seven seconds, things I would abolish starting now.

KW: I would abolish all the iron grills. I don't like iron grills because they're just...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud you've challenged, why?

CF: Two iron grills.

NP: Too many iron grills, yes. In spite of all that want to be abolished. Right three seconds, Clement, on the subject starting now.

CF: Lady hockey players would be high...

WHISTLE

KW: Oh he's won the game! Oh!

NP: As Clement Freud was speaking as the whistle went he gains yet another point, which gives him a small lead over Andree Melly and Derek Nimmo and Kenneth Williams are trailing just behind. Kenneth Williams it is your turn to begin, would you like to speak on who I would most like to be other than myself. Have a little think about it. Your face has taken on a very strange hue. Anyway would you talk on that subject starting now.

KW: This is an extremely difficult subject for me to grapple with because, as I am, in all senses, the thing that I like being, it is an almost impossible thing, because it presupposes there is something, somewhere better than I am...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo why do you challenge?

DN: Well he's just talking about himself really, rather than, deviation.

KW: Give us a chance to get under way! I wasn't even under way!

APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE

KW: It's mean!

NP: I don't know what you want under your way Kenneth! Um in what sense do you think it was devious? Be a bit more explicit Derek.

DN: Well because he was talking about himself rather than things he would rather be than himself.

NP: Yes I quite agree so Derek...

KW: Oh he's so clever!

NP: ...Nimmo, I award you a point, 40, 45 seconds left for the subject starting now.

DN: Cyril Smith, the very fine fellow who lives in 14 North Street, Wigan. I've always wanted to be Cyril Smith rather than myself...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams why did you challenge?

KW: Well two Cyril Smiths, repetition.

NP: Yes indeed, there were! So in losing the subject Kenneth, you very soon get it back with another point, so you have 36 seconds left for who I would most like to be other than myself starting now.

KW: Well I suppose one of the people I would like to have been would have been Nerva. Because when that man found all the gold under his house, he went to Nerva and he said what shall I do...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud why have you challenged?

CF: Two Nervas.

NP: Yes there were two Nervas, I'm afraid.

KW: Oh!

NP: Have you really...

KW: There were two Nervas, because I'm nervous! Hahahahahahahahaha!

LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE

KW: Oh it was brilliant wasn't it!

NP: Yes!

KW: Oh how marvellous!

NP: You can keep that sort of brilliance to yourself! Well I think you were really under way that time, weren't you Kenneth?

KW: Yes!

NP: Thirty-three seconds... 33 seconds left for Clement Freud on this subject starting now.

CF: I'm not at all proud and I would like to be an awful lot of people like John Smith, Henry Jones...

BUZZ

NP: Andree Melly why have you challenged?

AM: Deviation because the subject was the person...

CF: No.

NP: No, the subject is who I would most like...

AM: Who, well, that's... singular!

NP: Yes but you could have a number of people he would like to be. Ah it's a very difficult... I know, I can't decide on this one, I'm going to put it to the audience, a lovely looking audience...

CF: They always boo!

NP: We'll see, some of them blow raspberries sometimes which is very embarrassing! Because they all spray up here! Ladies and gentlemen of our audience, if you agree with Andree Melly's challenge, will you please cheer. If you disagree with her challenge, will you please boo and will you all please do it together now.

CF: Boo!

CHEERS AND BOOS FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: I decide the boos have it, so Clement Freud has a point and he's gained a point, he has 21 seconds left for who I would most like to be other than myself starting now.

CF: The editor of the Daily Telegraph is a man I would most like to be because this job is secure and he takes on people and sacks them, and sends me letters saying "my dear Clement Freud" which he writes in blue pencil...

BUZZ

NP: Andree Melly why have you challenged?

AM: Deviation, he's talking about letters he's writing instead of the person.

NP: Bo, I think he's still on the subject Andree. I think that's a very good try but no, Clement Freud has another point, he has seven seconds left for the subject starting now.

CF: He is also handsome to a fault, generous to the point where I don't have to send in expenses but just get large cheques...

WHISTLE

NP: Well Clement Freud's person he would most like to be gave him a very definite lead. In fact he's almost twice as many points as the other three who are all equal in second place. Derek Nimmo, try and redress the balance as you begin the next round. And here is the subject, the perfect friend starting now.

DN: Well everybody should have a chum. I do think that's terribly important in this lonely age in which we live today. It's no good all this wandering lonely, as a cloud, amongst hosts of golden daffodils. You do need a friend. And who would I rather have, more than anyone else in this whole wide world, as my very own personal friend? Kenneth Williams! He seems to me, nay...

APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE

DN: He, like the manager of the Daily Telegraph, is handsome to a fault. He is generous, kind, extremely gay, funny, and amusing. He's always the life and soul of every party. Every time you see him, you're sort of filled with admiration for that scintillating personality. He is the person, ladies and gentlemen, who I would like to have as my comrade through life. I would like to be able to clasp him to my bosom every Sunday morning at four o'clock. I would take him bunches of daffodils and tulips. I...

BUZZ

DN: ...would take him raspberries and macaroni and spaghetti and all sorts of...

NP: Andree Melly's challenged.

APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: I didn't really want to stop you Derek, I was enjoying it!

DN: So was I! Terribly mean! Very emotional moment for me!

NP: You can see he is a frustrated dramatic actor really. But Andree Melly has challenged, why have you challenged Andree?

AM: Because I caught another daffodil and we had the ones...

NP: Utter nonsense! We all loved it so much!

KW: Yes! Yes!

APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: Keep your daffodils and...

CF: Make it up to a bunch!

NP: (laughs) Make it up to a bunch as Clement Freud. And seven minutes for Derek...

CF: Minutes?

LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: It shows you how much I was enjoying it, he could have gone on. The audience only want another seven seconds of Derek Nimmo for the perfect friend, please begin now.

DN: How nice to be able to go down to Margate on a wet Monday with this fellow. Roll up one's trousers and paddle into the deep blue sea, stride along the pebbles and buy candy floss, put on your straw hat...

WHISTLE

KW: Very good!

NP: We award a point to Derek Nimmo for getting the subject back. We award him a point for speaking when the whistle went, and one bunch of daffodils for that marvellous performance. And so we go on to the next subject and Andree Melly it is your turn and keeping the theme going, the next subject is the perfect idiot! Would you try and speak on that subject for 60 seconds starting now.

AM: The perfect idiot is my dearly loved husband, who pretends to be absolutely moronic about anything practical or mechanical. This means that I have to fix all fuses and change the wheels on the motor cars. But on the other hand, he, while I'm doing this...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo you challenged, why?

DN: Boasting! She said she's got motor cars!

APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: You get a nice laugh, a nice round of applause, but all that happens is that Andree gets another point, it is not one of the rules of the game. Andree you have 43 seconds for the perfect idiot starting now.

AM: And while I'm saying this, he takes me what a wonderful clever, practical, genius wife he's got, which is very nice for any woman. He finds it difficult to even open a tin of marmalade and when, oh...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo you challenged.

DN: Hesitation.

NP: Hesitation, yes. You have a point and you have 30 seconds left for the subject of the perfect idiot starting now.

DN: In my opinion the perfect idiot is Kenneth Williams!

LOUD LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE

BUZZ

DN: Nothing can I imagine more than rushing round the...

NP: Before you start, before you get going again, Clement Freud challenged you right on the start. Clement why did you challenge?

CF: Deviation.

NP: Why?

CF: It's already been established that Kenneth Williams...

LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: But I'm, but I, no, Clement, no, Clement, you see, the thing is, to be utterly fair within the game, your perfect friend could also be a perfect idiot! I mean...

CF: The word perfect...

DN: You, you've got idiots who are friends haven't you! Who are my idiotic friends, you say.

NP: Just a minute, Derek, what were you saying Clement?

CF: I was going to say the word perfect precludes messing about with...

NP: No, no, I still think to be quite fair you can be the perfect idiot and the perfect friend, and Derek Nimmo, I therefore decide, has another point and he has 26 seconds left for the perfect idiot starting now.

DN: And out there with this idiotic fellow I stride, with my gun at the ready, and the grouse laughing. Who couldn't laugh when they see him, because, you see, he is an extraordinarily funny fellow. And...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams why have you challenged?

KW: Well I don't see grouse hooting!

NP: You don't see them laughing either, do you?

KW: Yeah that's what I mean!

NP: Yes! So Kenneth Williams, the perfect idiot... no, I'm sorry...

LAUGHTER FROM DN AND THE AUDIENCE

NP: The perfect subject! Kenneth will you take it up, the perfect idiot, with er 17 seconds left starting now.

KW: Well this is a very curious title indeed because perfection implies something and of course idiot implies something quite other. However if we're taking it at its face value, I would say that the perfect idiot is generally represented by bigotry. Bigotry represents to me the most idiotic...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud why have you challenged?

CF: A double bigotry.

NP: Yes I'm afraid there was, we were getting very interested in this intense discussion on the perfect idiot.

KW: Yes!

NP: But um Clement Freud has another point, he has eight seconds left for the perfect idiot starting now.

CF: The perfect idiot is one who has achieved perfection in lunacy. Therefore a man of great talent...

WHISTLE

NP: Until Clement Freud gained those last two points, Derek Nimmo with his perfect performance had crept up into equal place. He's now a little behind Clement who's still in the lead, and Andree and Kenneth are still equal in third place. Derek Nimmo will you begin the next round, my school days. Sixty seconds, don't write it down, if you want to you should have done it by now, starting now.

DN: My school days were long, long, long...

BUZZ

NP: You challenged?

CF: Repetition.

NP: Yes exactly, repetition. This was, still, wasn't fair, was it? Clement Freud you have another point, 55 seconds for my school days starting now.

CF: My school days finished quite recently. They were the most happy days of my life and I went to a succession of schools, all of which...

BUZZ

NP: Andree Melly why do you challenge?

AM: Repetition because there was a succession.

NP: A succession of schools. Andree Melly you have a point and you have 48 seconds for my school days starting now.

AM: Mine began when I was three and I went to a kindergarten school called Camelot. There was four houses and I belonged to Tristram and I didn't understand what that meant at all. My greatest enemy was a girl called Ruth Roberts who used to pull my hair and we sat at these small desks which two people sit at at the same time, and had little squares into which you had to put the alphabet. And if someone doesn't challenge me...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo's challenged.

DN: Gallantly.

NP: Gallantly.

DN: A gallant challenge.

NP: A gallant challenge.

DN: On the grounds that she packed up.

NP: All right Derek, you have a point, you have 27 seconds left for my school days starting now.

DN: My school days were singularly happy. I remember when my school motto was (words in Latin) which means out of this quarry, comes virtue. And If you look at me you'll be able to see that I live up to the motto...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud then.

CF: Hesitation.

NP: Hesitation Clement, there are 15 seconds for my school days starting now.

CF: On my cap we had a badge which said (Latin words)

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo why have you challenged?

DN: He's talking about his sartorial attire, not his school days.

NP: Oh but I think your sartorial attire is so much part of your school days, that it's inseparable. I definitely uphold, I mean I'm not with your challenge...

CF: You actually went to the same school that I did.

NP: Yes.

DN: They don't realise that they both went to the same school.

NP: You now know why...

DN: Clement Freud went to the same school Nicholas Parsons did!

NP: There's a tremendous, there's a tremendous gasp or pause or shock in the audience. We're trying to get across that Clement Freud and Nicholas Parsons went to the same school.

DN: And that's why...

KW: Ohhhhh!

DN: That's why he always wins! Because Nicholas Parsons is frightened of him!

NP: And we hated each other! So there we are, it was St Paul's School, in case you're thinking of sending your children there. Or keeping them away as the case may be! And there are 11 seconds left for my school days Clement Freud starting now.

CF: And this meant from here to higher things which was a singularly apposite thing...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo you challenged.

DN: Hesitation. I mean deviation, he's just mumbling! He's just mumbling away! He's not talking about his...

NP: I will give you hesitation, don't try and...

DN: On to higher things...

NP: Don't press your point too hard, you might lose it! There are five seconds left for my school days Derek starting now.

DN: Miss Lane was my first mistress. What a lovely lady...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud.

LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: Clement Freud got his challenge in first, what was it?

CF: Corruption!

NP: I think...

CF: Or deviation! I mean loosely under the heading of deviation.

NP: I'm afraid we all... I think the challenge should be envy! We all went to the wrong school! Clement...

CF: Also the chance of repetition!

NP: Don't make it any more involved, you'll have him for deviation in a minute! All right three seconds left for my school days Clement Freud starting now.

DN: Why?

CF: My favourite master...

DN: It's not true!

CF: ...was the one who taught cricket and rugger...

WHISTLE

NP: That unfortunately is all we have time for in this particular round of Just A Minute. And Clement Freud with his school days and with his other clever challenges has just managed to be the winner!

KW: Bravo Clement! Bravo! Well done! Fabulous! Good old Clem!

NP: The cheers came from Kenneth Williams which makes one wonder if engagement is still on. And in second place undoubtedly, just a few points behind was Derek Nimmo. A few points behind him Kenneth Williams and a few points behind Andree Melly. In that order. Thank you very much for listening to this particular edition of Just A Minute, good-bye from us all here. Good-bye.

THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: The chairman of Just A Minute was Nicholas Parsons, the programme was devised by Ian Messiter and produced by David Hatch.