JAM:KWilliams,DNimmo,CFreud,AMelly
WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE!

starring KENNETH WILLIAMS, DEREK NIMMO, CLEMENT FREUD and ANDREE MELLY, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 14 January 1969)


THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: We present Kenneth Williams, Derek Nimmo, Clement Freud and Andree Melly in Just A Minute. And as the Minute Waltz fades away here to tell you about it is our chairman Nicholas Parsons.

NICHOLAS PARSONS: Thank you very much and welcome once again to Just A Minute. Just to remind you of the rules of the game such as they are. I'm going to ask each of them to speak in turn on some unlikely subject that they know nothing about for Just A Minute without hesitation, without repetition and without deviation. In other words they mustn't pause, they must stick to the subject, and they must keep going. Now let's ask the competitors to do their best and start with the only lady representative we have once again this week, Andree Melly. Andree, doing nothing. Will you try and talk for Just A Minute on that subject starting now.

ANDREE MELLY: This is something I love doing and I'm very good at it. I think the most nothing you can do is to lie on a beach in the boiling sun and roast gently. Or being a tiny little bit ill, not very, just a bit, and being in bed with chocolates and magazines and having people wait on you hand and foot. That's quite good. Then there's er...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo you've challenged. Why?

DEREK NIMMO: Well hesitation.

NP: Hesitation, it was a definite hesitation. And as the hesitation is upheld by me, the chairman, that;s one point to Derek Nimmo who takes over the subject with 38 seconds left starting now.

DN: I lie in a gentle summer meadow looking up at the cloudless blue sky. The birds are singing, skylarks perhaps, the bees are droning...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams you challenged, why?

KENNETH WILLIAMS: Well it's deviation.

NP: Why?

KW: We're talking about doing nothing, he's talking about observing birds and bees.

NP: I consider Kenneth, that that very clever challenge gains you a point and of course you have the subject with 27 seconds left starting now.

KW: The subject is paradoxical. It is impossible of course to do nothing. Doing implies usage and of course nothing is impossible to do...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth... Clement Freud, you challenged. Why?

CLEMENT FREUD: Repetition.

NP: Of what?

CF: He's too much of a doer!

NP: Well done Clement Freud, one point to you and 14 seconds left for doing nothing starting now.

CF: In order to do nothing you must relax every part of your body, disassociate your mind from whatever it is that you had been going to do and then lie back comfortably and wait for other people to perform all the functions you might otherwise have..

WHISTLE

NP: As Clement Freud was speaking when the whistle went that means he gains another point, which gives him a lead. He has two points at the end of that first round, with Kenneth Williams and Derek Nimmo both having one and Andree Melly yet to score. Clement Freud your turn to begin, model making. Just A Minute will do for you to talk on that subject starting now.

CF: This is something my wife is tremendously against me doing. Many times she's come into the drawing room and said "do not make any models, I particularly deplore this habit of yours". So I haven't. I have spent the time writing books published, 10 and sixpence, available at all good booksellers...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams why have you challenged?

KW: Well it's totally irrelevant, it's deviation...

CF: But it's true!

KW: It's got nothing to do with making models!

NP: I agree...

KW: Publishing books! Ten and sixpence!

NP: I entirely agree Kenneth, yes. Clement Freud's books selling at the publishers have got nothing to do with model making. So you have the subject with a point of course, and 41 seconds left for model making starting now.

KW: You shouldn't make models and you shouldn't make anybody. You should let them do whatever they want to do of their own free will. After all this is what freedom is about. You shouldn't make...

BUZZ

NP: Andree Melly.

AM: Deviation, he's talking about freedom, not about models.

NP: I think you probably need a certain amount of freedom whether you make them or not. So Kenneth Williams you still have the subject and you have 32 seconds left starting now.

KW: Freedom, not to make people do anything, freedom, after all, wasn't it...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud...

KW: Here! I hadn't got anything out, had I!

NP: You got out models a great number of times. No, freedom you came out with a great number of times. So Clement Freud has the subject back starting now.

CF: A number of toy shops in most big cities in the country sell a kit whereby you can make your own models at home. A toy aeroplane, this is a very handy thing to have. You get the wings, the undercarriage and the wheels and the propeller, also the rubber band and somesmall metal pins. And by use of this, you can make the most superb small model aeroplanes which many people use across...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo you challenged, why?

DN: Hesitation.

NP: Hesitation you have a point, you have four seconds for model making starting now.

DN: Glue, Prok preferably, and a spirit drive...

BUZZ

NP: Andree Melly why have you challenged?

AM: Hesitation, Prok preferably.

DN: That was the name of the brand, you see. Glue, Prok preferably. It's a very well-known brand.

NP: Would you like to say it again, Derek Nimmo?

DN: Glue, Prok preferably. It's a very well-known brand.

NP: I wasn't sure until you repeated it that it was so Andree has a point and she has three seconds left for model making starting now.

AM: Tall thin girls make excellent models...

WHISTLE

NP: So it's a pretty keen game. Clement Freud leading Derek Nimmo by two, Derek Nimmo leading Kenneth Williams... no, he's equal with Kenneth Williams in second place..

KW: Oh how lovely! At last I've been vindicated!

NP: You say that when you win, not now. Andree is one point behind you in fourth place. Kenneth Williams it's your turn to begin, osteopathy is the subject. You'd like to have a little think about it, and start talking for Just A Minute now.

KW: Osteopathy deals with the study of bones and is to do with the relationship between those bones. And I once had one manipulate me and he hit my funny bone and I started laughing! It was really a scream! If you'd been there you'd have died laughing! Because I started going "oh hahahahaha". I did. And he said "hang on a minute, I've only just touched you, I've not actually manipulated it. What I've got to do is to get the bulb back in the socket. I mean the socket back in the bulb. And by the time we both finished laughing, the thing didn't get back in at all. So I had to go again. Well one minute...

BUZZ

NP: Andree Melly why have you challenged?

AM: Repetition because he had to go again.

NP: Exactly, well done! There was quite a repetition of laughter too wasn't there. Anyway Andree you have another point and you have 25 seconds for osteopathy starting now.

AM: It's a very difficult subject to study because I imagine you have to know every bone in the body starting with the toes and working up the legs, hip bones, pelvis, ribs, all those spare ones, collar bone, skull and your coxits and all the vertebrae. I believe there are...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud why have you challenged?

CF: Hesitation.

NP: Clement you have a point and you have seven seconds for osteopathy starting now.

CF: One of the nicest things about osteopathy is that osteopaths don't have people who die on them, they just don't get very well, and they're never cured...

WHISTLE

NP: Ah Clement Freud has a small lead over Kenneth Williams who's now in second place. He's ahead of Derek Nimmo by one, equal with Andree Melly. Andree it's your turn to begin, backing out of the garage. Would you like to tell us in just 60 seconds why you do that starting now.

AM: The most important thing is to open the garage doors first. Then see that there isn't a rockery or a flower bed or a 20 foot drop, just beyond the doors. Then you get into the car and see that the car is in neutral. Turn the engine on...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo you challenged.

DN: Hesitation.

NP: Hesitation.

AM: Wait up! I'm waiting for the engine to warm up!

NP: A clever try Andree but alas, too late. The engine didn't fire quick enough for you. Forty-two seconds Derek Nimmo for backing out of the garage starting now.

DN: Well I usually crawl out backwards actually. I usually find it more convenient that way. What I do is I take, roll my trousers up you see, get down on my hands and knees, and shuffle gently towards the door. I hold a mirror in my right hand so I can see which way I'm going. And I hold a torch in my left hand so I can see, if it's a nice dark night...

BUZZ

NP: Andree Melly.

AM: Hesitation.

NP: Hesitation indeed yes, it's a clever idea. Twenty-two seconds for backing out of the garage starting now.

AM: Once in reverse, you look into the driving mirror...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo why have you challenged?

DN: Ah repetition, she's looked at it twice.

AM: You looked in your mirror!

NP: I don't think she...

DN: She looked in to see if the doors were open a moment ago.

NP: Yes, I don't think she has actually repeated anything really and truly. So we... there's 18 seconds left for Andree Melly with another point, backing out of the garage Andree starting now.

AM: I let my foot very slowly come up from the clutch and accelerate a teeny weeny bit, seeing that...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud why have you challenged?

CF: Hesitation.

NP: Yes there was, she was getting more than hesitation, slow which was...

AM: Well you can't do it quickly!

NP: I know! I know! But there comes a point where a very slow speech counts as hesitation. I grant it to Clement Freud with 10 seconds for backing out of the garage starting now.

CF: Many instructors say that you must back out of a garage slowly. I have always thought that this was a great mistake because the faster you... go into a main road..

BUZZ

NP: Andree Melly.

AM: Hesitation.

NP: Hesitation indeed. You have three seconds for backing out of a garage still starting now.

AM: Turn on your right lock and quickly reverse...

WHISTLE

NP: Derek Nimmo your turn to begin, useless household gadgets. That's the subject Derek, and you're writing it down. Right think a second and then start now.

DN: Well I mean... I'm trying to write it down.

NP: Oh yes I'm very sorry.

DN: I've written it down, I spelt it wrongly you see!

NP: That's devious from a start isn't it. Right!

DN: Now I'm all really prepared! Right!

NP: Right, Derek Nimmo has written down useless household gadgets, he's going to try and talk about it for 60 seconds starting now.

DN: These are the sorts of things that when you go to big exhibitionis at Billycume and appear in Earl's Court, you're always finding these. Very capable people in white clothes and they hold them up and they say "look, this is a marvelous thing for turning an apple... into a little flower...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams.

KW: Hesitation.

NP: Hesitation indeed. Kenneth can you talk for the next 46 seconds on use less, no, useless household gadgets starting now.

KW: Useless household gadgets obviously are those ones which don't work when you try them out in the practical sense of try out. (laughs)

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud you challenged, why?

KW: Oh it does make me laugh!

NP: It makes us laugh too! Clement Freud you challenged.

CF: Yes.

NP: Why?

CF: The lot! I mean hesitation, repetition....

NP: All right, hesitation, deviation and repetition, oh no not repetition. But anyway you have a point indeed Clement Freud, you have 37 seconds for useless household gadgets starting now.

CF: The two most useless gadgets I've ever come across was a potato peeler which did not peel potatoes and a tin opener which failed to perform that simple function because it had no spear that pierced the metal as it was meant to do by the designer.

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo why have you challenged?

DN: He's going so slow, so slowly now, it's hesitation.

NP: No I think..

KW: Yes! Yes!

NP: Kenneth Williams I must tell you, you won't get any points at all unless you keep your hand on the little buzzer there.

KW: Oh sorry! I always forget!

NP: I got so worried during that bit. Anyway Clement Freud I don't think you were going slowly on this occasion so you have another point and you have 22 seconds left for useless household gadgets starting now.

CF: There's not at the moment a shop in any town in this country which specialises in useless household gadgets. Every shop seems to have a fair share...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams why have you challenged?

KW: Deviation, it's boring! It's completely boring!

NP: It may be boring but quickly think of another challenge, otherwise you don't get it.

KW: Oh I can't!

NP: Boring is not within the game, alas I'm afraid.

KW: Oh sorry.

NP: All that happens is that Clement Freud has another point and he has 14 seconds for useless household gadgets starting now.

CF: Pot scourers which have no emery upon them. Wallpaper that does not adhere to the walls. A paintbrush that has no paint...

BUZZ

NP: Andree Melly why did you challenge?

AM: I don't think wallpaper is a gadget.

KW: Oh!

AM: Deviation.

NP: Very clever, well done Andree Melly, a point to you and there are six seconds for useless household gadgets starting now.

AM: I'm left handed so nearly all the gadgets are absolutely useless to me. So a shop is definitely...

WHISTLE

NP: Right Andree Melly has another point there, let me write it down. So unfortunately Clement Freud has just overtaken her, he now is two points ahead...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud why have you challenged?

CF: What do you mean unfortunately?

NP: I'll tell you exactly what I mean Clement, I'm a naturally chivalrous person. There's only one woman here against three men so I rather must admit that I like to see the woman occasionally win. It hasn't happened yet...

CF: You mean you're biased?

NP: Yes!

KW: And more power to your elbow!

NP: I don't want to take my elbow to your elbow... Clement Freud has a small lead over Andree Melly and Kenneth Williams is third, Derek Nimmo's one point behind in fourth. I know, we'll have a penalty on this round, yes, because Clement Freud is going to start. That's a very good reason for having penalties. He's doing jolly well. The penalty is the word and, they must not during this round mention the word and. The subject is anniversaries, Clement Freud and you start now.

CF: Anniversaries are occasions upon which you come up to a date which you've come up to before. There are a lot in face...

BUZZ

NP: Andree Melly you challenged. Why?

AM: Repetition, if you've come up to it before.

NP: Yes indeed, well done Andree Melly, you have another point, you have 52 seconds for anniversaries, you mustn't mention the word and, and you begin now.

AM: Wedding anniversaries have different er...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo you challenged.

DN: Hesitation.

NP: Hesitation indeed. Anniversaries, no ands Derek, starting now.

DM: The Andes are the most interesting mountains of (unintelligible) because you see if you want to go round them...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams why have you challenged?

KW: Well what's the Andes got to do with anniversaries?

NP: I quite agree...

KW: And Nicholas you knew very well why I was challenging! Deviation.

NP: I know, but the general public wish to hear it as well.

KW: Well deviation.

NP: All right, you've established your point, you gain a point...

DN: I once spent a birthday in the Andes!

KW: Oh!

DN: Very happy anniversary it was too.

NP: Well it's a bit late now to spend your birthday unfortunately Derek, because I've already awarded a point to Kenneth Williams and we can't take them back. There are 42 seconds left for Kenneth Williams to talk... about anniversaries with no ands Kenneth, starting now.

KW: Anniversaries are the celebrating of events, of course, with one year in between. Mafeking, Lady Smith and this...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud.

CF: And.

NP: Yes indeed. So anniversaries Clement and there are 30, 29 seconds left starting now.

CF: Andrea who is a friend of mine, lives in Andover, spends her anniversaries frequently in Andora which is an ideal place for celebrating this sort of occasion. Andrea is a girl of 19 who when she's 20 will have an absolutely super day and a cake baked by..

BUZZ

NP: Andree Melly.

AM: And a cake.

KW: Oh yes!

NP: Yes! And I think we were all listening so hard for the ands you missed the hesitation as well. But anyway Andree you have another point, you have nine seconds for anniversaries, no ands, starting now.

AM: Birthdays are the kinds of anniversaries which are celebrated most. Your first, then your second, your third, forth...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud.

CF: Repetition of anniversaries.

NP: Alas, yes, what a pity Andree. You have another point Clement Freud, you have one second, anniversaries starting now.

CF: Cakes, buns...

WHISTLE

NP: So anniversaries have put Clement Freud with another anniversary, in other words he's kept the lead, 14 points I think, over Andree Melly in second place, Kenneth Williams third and Derek Nimmo still trailing a little. Kenneth Williams your turn to talk. And the subject which is probably something you can go very well about, talking big. Talking if you can for 60 seconds Kenneth starting now.

KW: Talk big means really like walk big. And I walk big and I talk big. I mean you've got to. It's all apropos of the image you have inside yourself, so that comes out in your conversation. Some people have a miniscule... what you moving my hand for?

CF: Oh sorry!

KW: Oh, he's pushing my hand...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo.

DN: Well I think hesitation, deviation and repetition actually.

NP: What... unfortunately as the game is in progress whatever happens I've got to grant it to you Derek. I quite agree. So it is... you want to say something Ian Messiter?

IAN MESSITER: He said Kenneth has it because it was an accident.

NP: Our producer has signaled to me that it was an accident so Kenneth Williams has the right..

DN: Do you mean to say that Clement Freud didn't know he was holding his hand?

NP: We thought that they were holding hands. Our producer who is the final judge considers that it was it was an accident that they were holding hands! So...

CF: We can go on holding hands!

NP: You can go on holding hands.

DN: We're holding ours on purpose!

NP: I must point out they are sitting next to each other! Otherwise it would be very devious. There are... there are no points awarded but 42 seconds left for talking big Kenneth Williams starting now.

KW: Talking big is largely the result of psychological thinking. You see, the way you think of yourself is the way you will talk. Take Mao Tse-Tung, he swum halfway up the Yangtse according to the Chinese newspapers. But that, that's what I mean, you see. It makes you feel... if you feel big, you can talk big, you can act big, you can be big...

BUZZ

NP: Andree Melly why have you challenged.

AM: Repetition...

NP: Yes.

AM: A lot of big.

KW: Oh there!

NP: Andree you have a point and um you've gained a point as well and you have 37 seconds for talking big.. will you two stop holding hands and let's get on with the game! Andree Melly would you like to talk for 37 seconds on talking big starting now.

AM: Talking big means swanking or blowing your own trumpet, about things you've done and things you think you are and what you want to do in the future. And...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo you challenged.

DN: Hesitation.

NP: Hesitation Derek, talking big starting now.

DN: I want...

BUZZ

NP: Andree Melly you challenged.

AM: Hesitation.

NP: Hesitation. You have a point Andree, three seconds left, talking big starting now.

AM: It's better if you're talking big to have a very large mouth with which to do it...

WHISTLE

NP: Andree's talking big has taken her one point behind Clement Freud who's still in the lead. And Derek Nimmo and Kenneth Williams are both still trailing a little. Andree Melly your turn to begin, perhaps you can jump into the lead on this one. The aupair girl starting now.

AM: The trouble with aupair girls is that they very seldom speak the same language as you do, which makes dealing with them rather complicated. They're often very pretty, sometimes Swedish, perhaps Danish, Italian, French, young as a rule. And they come to England to study English and they have to go to classes and ... help!

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud.

CF: Hesitation.

NP: You came to her help because of a hesitation. Clement Freud you have 40 seconds for the aupair girl starting now.

AUDIENCE LAUGHTER

BUZZ

NP: No, no, I'm sorry, that wasn't fair!

KW: I thought it was lovely! I thought it was lovely!

NP: I'm glad you appreciate my jokes Kenneth, I apprecaite yours as well. I think it's only fair to start that particular phase again. But I will still say you have 40 seconds left Clement Freud starting now.

CF: Aupair is French for to the pair, which is a very good description of a girl. Because invariably you don't get one. She has an ugly friend who phones up and to whom she phones, reversing the telephone charges. They come into this country ostensibly to look after your children or do the household chores. But in fact many of them do come from foreign countries and try to learn English or...

BUZZ

NP: Andree Melly you challenged.

AM: Hesitation.

NP: Hesitation indeed. Andree you have the aupair girl back with you, and um you have 13 and a half seconds left starting now.


AM: It's always rather vague as to what they're expected to do. They think they should have a nice room...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud why have you challenged?

CF: Deviation.

NP: Why?

CF: She's not said anything, she's been vague!

NP: She's talking about the aupair girl who expected to have a nice room. Andree I'm with you, the aupair girls always expect a nice room. You have eight seconds for the aupair girl starting now.

AM: They like a television set. Perhaps they look after your children for a bit and occasionally do a bit of washing up and....

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo you've challenged.

DN: Hesitation.

NP: Why? No there was no hesitation.

CF: No!

NP: Oh indeed not no. There are two seconds left Andree, the aupair girl starting now.

AM: Nanette or Carla...

WHISTLE

NP: Andree Melly blanched when I gave her the subject, but in spite of that it's taken her into the lead with two points, ahead of Clement Freud. And Derek Nimmo and Kenneth Williams are still trailing just a little. Derek Nimmo it is your turn to begin. Punctuality, we actors all I think have diffciulty with. But will you talk if you can for Just A Minute starting now.

DN: Punctuality means arriving at the right moment at the right time. It is indeed something which I have great difficulty in managing to perform. I generally arrive a little late, I'm ashamed to say. But I would like to be punctual, I would like to always arrive at the right moment. You know one of the funny and extraordinary things about life is when you're on a little trolley bus in Glasgow and you suddenly...

BUZZ

NP: Andree Melly why have you challenged?

AM: Deviation.

NP: Why?

AM: He's getting off a trolley bus in Glasgow.

NP: Exactly!

DN: But it was on time!

NP: (in Scottish accents) Trolley buses in Glasgow are never on time because I was born there and I know Glasgow very well indeed, they're always behind time. So Andree has another point, 35 seconds left Andree starting now.

AM: To be punctual if you are an actor and working in the theatre is quite difficult. Because you have to arrive 30 minutes...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo you've challenged, why?

DN: Well because she's not an actor, she's an actress. Deviation.

NP: Ah yes. But sometimes one often says inclusively the actors meaning the whole cast and includes the ladies as well. So Andree you have 30 secodns for punctuality starting now.

AM: Thirty minutes before the curtain goes up. And in fact this means 35 minutes before which is always very confusing. Maybe you're... oh...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Hesitation.

NP: Hesitation indeed. You have the subject with 20 seconds left for punctuality starting now.


DN: I synchronise my watch with my friend. And I board my Glaswegian trolley bus. It is 8.00 by my watch, precisely exactly... 8.00...

BUZZ

NP: Andree Melly why have you challenged?

AM: Repetition, exactly is the same as precisely.

DN: No, it's a different word altogether.

NP: Different word, no, I don't think that's right, I mean..

KW: True, a synonym isn't repetition is it.

NP: Well done Kenneth Williams, marvelously done. But as it's a different word, I can't give you repetition, I don't think within the context of the game. Derek has another point, he has 10 seconds left for punctuality starting now.

DN: Did you mean to meet me here at this precise moment, I said. (Scottish accent) Of course I did! Of course I did! (normal voice) It's his uncle you see. Yes, I and er...

WHISTLE

KW: Lovely! Oh wasn't it good!

NP: Well I'll work upwards in giving the final result. I won't give the actual points, it might embarrass some people. But Kenneth Williams was alas just in fourth place...

KW: But I tried, didn't I! I had a good go!

NP: You were very...

KW: You can't say I wasn't game!

NP: No, as a chairman, as chairman you were very trying on occasions.

KW: Thank you!

NP: And sitting next to Clement Freud you were very game on occasions as well.

KW: Oh you're intrepid you are!

NP: Derek Nimmo has gone definitely into third place. He's a little way behind Clement Freud who is in second place. And for the first time we've had our only lady challenger win. And so it's wonderful and congratulations to Andree Melly!

ANNOUNCER: The chairman of Just A Minute was Nicholas Parsons, the programme was devised by Ian Messiter and produced by David Hatch.