JAM:KWilliams,DNimmo,CFreud,AMelly
WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE!

starring KENNETH WILLIAMS, DEREK NIMMO, CLEMENT FREUD and ANDREE MELLY, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 21 January 1969)


THEME MUSIC
ANNOUNCER: We present Kenneth Williams, Derek Nimmo, Clement Freud and Andree Melly in Just A Minute. And as the Minute Waltz fades away here to tell you about it is our chairman Nicholas Parsons.

NICHOLAS PARSONS: Thank you, well thank you very much indeed and welcome once again to Just A Minute. Just to remind you of the rules, perhaps just to remind ourselves of the rules, each of the players in this game are going to try and speak for Just A Minute on some subject they know nothing about that I will give them without hesitation, without repetition and without deviation. In other words they mustn't pause, they must keep going, they mustn't repeat themselves and they mustn't stray from the point. Now these rules are very simple and they're very elastic. And I have the impossible task of deciding when they are guilty and give them points. This you will see as we progress and so let's start the game straight off this week with Kenneth Williams. Kenneth, you seem surprised...

KENNETH WILLIAMS: Yes!

NP: But a delightful subject for you to start the show with this week. Here's the subject, what you see in the looking glass. Would you try and speak for Just A Minute on that subject starting now.

KW: Well, what I see in the looking glass is of course perfectly obvious to everybody. For I'm beautiful, simply beautiful! When a rose sees me coming, it wilts! Oh my physical charms are so ample, I set Helen of Troy an example! That was of course said by somebody much greater than myself but it probably equates to my position when I am looking in the looking glass. Of course this is obviously a candidate topic that could be, I mean, it could be...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo you buzzed, why?

DEREK NIMMO: Hesitation.

NP: Hesitation, Derek receives a point because it was a correct challenge and he takes over the subject, what you see in the looking glass starting now.

DN: What I see in the looking glass as I gradually come up into the frame is first of all the top of my hair. And I see my forehead, then my eyebrows and my eyes, then my nose, then my upper lip...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud why have you challenged?

CLEMENT FREUD: Repetition of my.

NP: You are entirely correct Clement Freud, you have a point, you have 22 seconds for what you see in the looking glass starting now.

CF: When I look at myself in the looking glass and turn slightly to one side and look across, I see the bathroom cupboard which contains bottles of aspirins, toothbrush, toothpaste, a shaving brush and four different kinds of soap...

BUZZ

NP: Andree Melly you have challenged, why?

ANDREE MELLY: Um medicine cupboards usually have doors on them so how can he see all these things?

CF: The door's open!

NP: Well I...

AM: Deviation!

NP: Well deviation, I'm assuming that the door is open because otherwise he couldn't see them. But Andree it was a very good try, but I'm afraid it's another point to Clement Freud with five seconds left for what you see in the looking glass starting now.

CF: Moving smartly to my left, I actually see myself. A good looking man with brushed...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo managed to challenge just before the whistle went, what was your challenge Derek?

DN: Deviation. He's not a good looking man! He's singularly repugnant!

NP: I don't often do this but I'm not going to get involved in personal acrimony between two of these contestants. I'm going to ask the audience to judge whether they think Clement Freud is a good looking man. If you think that Clement Freud is a good looking man will you please cheer, and if don't, if you think the reverse will youn please boo and would you all please do it now.

CHEERS AND BOOS FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: Clement Freud they all think you are a very good looking man. And Derek Nimmo is wrong. Clement Freud has another point, he has one second left for what you see in the looking glass starting now.

CF: Blue eyes...

WHISTLE

NP: Well as Clement Freud was speaking as the whistle went, that meant that he has another point which um... and I thought Derek's challenge was rather a clever one, but he doesn't get a point. Clement has a lead of four after the first round, Derek Nimmo has one and Andree Melly and Kenneth Williams have yet to score. Clement Freud will you begin this round please on plain speaking starting now.

CF: Plain speaking as opposed to self raising speaking is to speak in well modulated tones without raising them or lowering them from a certain octave which you've decided to pitch into at the beginning of your talk. I am a great exponent of this art because I speak probably more plainly than anybody else. I...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo why have you challenged?

DN: Boastful!

NP: Yes well I'm afraid you can't get points for that.

DN: Oh, well can I also challenge on deviation?

NP: No it's too late now. I'm very sorry. All you've managed to do is give Clement Freud another point with 40 seconds left for plain speaking starting now.

CF: And so I drone on...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo.

DN: Deviation. You see, because he says he's a plain speaker. It's already been established by the audience he's a particularly handsome speaker.

NP: A very clever... Derek Nimmo, very clever. So you have the subject now with...

CF: In truth they said I was good looking.

KW: Oh yes.

CF: Not handsome.

NP: Clement Freud you've had enough compliments paid to you for one day so just rest on your laurels for the minute. Let Derek Nimmo have the subject of plain speaking, 38 seconds left starting now.

DN: Some people tend to mistake plain speaking for being downright rude. Such I'm afraid... is...

BUZZ

NP: Andree Melly you challenged.

AM: Hesitation.

NP: Hesitation. Andree 33 seconds for plain speaking starting now.

AM: I think it means telling the truth, the kind of truth that other people don't like to hear. For when they say you are a plain speaker they mean that you're extremely rude. And er...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud you challenged.

CF: Hesitation.

NP: Hesitation indeed. Another point to Clement Freud and 23 seconds for plain speaking and you start now.

CF: It does mean in fact that you speak your mind whatever that is. You go up to a man and say "quite frankly I think you are the most repulsive..."

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams you buzzed.

KW: Yes.

NP: You want to say something?

KW: Yes he's confusing it with rudeness you see, so it's deviation. Deviation entirely. Because speaking plainly is speaking plainly, it's nothing to do with being rudeness. Going up to a bloke and saying "you're repulsive!" It's disgraceful! I mean I might have a great goiter hanging out but I don't want people coming up saying, do I? Not very nice! Saying you've got hair coming out of your earroll, is it! Disgraceful!

NP: Are you talking on plain speaking or...

KW: No, deviation, sorry.


NP: I've never heard anybody justify their challenge with such a long discussion!

KW: Sorry, yes I...

NP: You just about got another bonus. Anyway, all right Kenneth I will give you the point and um 12 seconds for plain speaking, see if you can do better than you've just done starting now.

KW: Thank you very much. Of course plain speaking means speaking...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud you've challenged.

KW: Oh?

CF: Deviation. Thank you very much is...

KW: Oh he's a disgrace!

NP: Why do you think thank you very much is not plain speaking?

KW: I was...

CF: It's nothing to do with the subject!

KW: I was saying thank you to him for the point!

NP: Well I think thank you very much is very plain speaking and Kenneth Williams has another point and he has 10 seconds for plain speaking starting now.

KW: Plain speaking means of course speaking on the plain as opposed to on the edge of a mountain. And Bogarin's odes were all composed on the edge of a mountain. Ruin, seize thee, ruthlessly...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo you challenged?

DN: Oh I've forgotten, I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry...

NP: Kenneth Williams you have another point and you have two seconds left for plain speaking starting now.

KW: Bogarin's odes were composed on a mountainside and they cried out ruin....

WHISTLE

KW: Oh I've leapt into the lead now haven't I! Come out with it! Tell us!

NP: Don't be... Steady on! Remember where you are Kenneth.

KW: Okay.

NP: With some very unplain plain speaking, Kenneth Williams has gone into third place! He's ahead of Andree Melly by two points but he's one point behind Derek Nimmo and three points behind Clement Freud who's still in the lead. Derek Nimmo it's your turn to begin, a subject I hope you can talk about for 60 seconds, how to eat a crumpet. That's what the inventor of the game has chosen for you, Ian Messiter, and you start now.

DN: I always eat my crumpets orally. I tend to take them and butter them, put them in front of the fire. And then slowly pop them between my teeth. And then I masticate away until they are...

BUZZ

NP: Andree Melly why have you challenged?

AM: Deviation, it sounds revolting.

NP: It may sound revolting Andree but I think it's probably the way most people eat their crumpets...

AM: Popping crumpets?

NP: So we'll have to carry on with Derek Nimmo with his crumpet... sorry Derek Nimmo and his hot crumpet for 43 seconds starting now.

DN: I've always been a great crumpet enthusiast. In fact I recently made a record which is called Toast And Honey And Crumpet For Tea in which I explain the art of eating this particular delicacy. It really is a very interesting thing to be eating. You know if you take a sugar...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud you challenged, why?

CF: Hesitation.

NP: Hesitation alas. Clement Freud, how to eat a crumpet with 27 seconds left starting now.

CF: The ideal way is not as propounded by Mr Derek Nimmo. It is in fact to toast the crumpet first. And when it is hot and coloured on both sides, you then add...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo you...

DN: Deviation, you see he's not actually eating the crumpet, he’s preparing it.

KW: Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah how true!

NP: Give it to Derek Nimmo for another point and 14 seconds for how to eat a crumpet starting now.

DN: Get it firmly between your teeth, dig in first your molars and then your wisdom teeth...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams.

KW: Repetition, he already told us he masticated!

NP: Repetition?

KW: Of course, he already told us he masticated and now he's started gripping it between his teeth.

NP: You mean he's regurgitated it?

KW: Of course! Well you've got a larger vocabulary than I have! I can see that.

NP: You have fewer points than the others so I'll give you one Kenneth Williams, and 10 seconds left for how to eat a crumpet starting now.

KW: There is only one way to eat it. You put, put the napkin right...

BUZZ

NP: Andree Melly.

AM: Hesitation. To poop it.

KW: To what?

NP: A to poop is a hesitation.

AM: Yes.

NP: All right Andree you have the subject of how to eat a crumpet for six seconds starting now.

AM: Sit down in front of the fire. Put a crumpet on a plate, then take it between the thumb...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo you challenged, why?

DN: Well again, she's preparing, she's putting on a plate.

KW: Yes, yes, yes.

DN: That's deviation.

NP: That's the first time anybody's got two points in the same round with the same actual challenge. We've one point to you and one second to go with how to eat a crumpet starting now.

DN: When it reaches my stomach..

WHISTLE

NP: Derek has taken a lead of two points over Clement Freud. Kenneth Williams is still in third place and Andree Melly in fourth place. And Kenneth Williams it is your turn to begin, paying the bills at the end of the month Kenneth. Is this something you do? Anyway talk for Just A Minute if you can on that subject starting now.

KW: Well I will pay anything I owe at any time. Never mind the end of the month. But I'm not paying Bill's, he can pay his own! Hahahhaaha! On the other hand when the account is presented it is always a rather depressing incident. And I was once sent one from a certain store which I shall not name. Five hundred pints of milk and a mink coat. Well obviously I don't walk around in a mink coat drinking 500 points of milk. And so I rang them up and I said "here I've had this bill, 500 pints of milk and a mink coat". And they said "what is the name please?" And I said "Kenneth C Williams." My full name, Kenneth C Williams. And they...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud why have you challenged?

KW: ..said "oh it should have gone to Tennessee Williams!" Of course, they'd mixed me up...

NP: Kenneth, stop, you've been challenged.

KW: You see? They got me mixed up...

NP: Kenneth...

KW: ...because I was Kenneth C...

NP: Yes...

KW: ...which sounds like Tennessee Williams.

NP: You get no bonus..

KW: And I thought hello! Does he go round in mink coats with half, with half a crate of milk?

NP: Well I'm not going to even ask what the challenge was Clement Freud. You have a point definitely for that. Anyway let the liesteners know, why did you challenge?

CF: Repetition.

NP: Yes repetition, plenty of C, plenty of Kenneth and plenty of Williams. A bit too much really! But there are 20...

KW: I thought it was lovely!

NP: And so did the audience...

KW: The audience...

NP: And so did the audience Kenneth, but you weren't playing the game strictly...

KW: Oh but I got carried away! I mean... we're all human after all!

NP: Twenty-two seconds left, you human, for Clement Freud, that's when he challenged, 22 seconds to go, paying the bill, no, paying bills at the end of the month Clement Freud starting now.

CF: Paying the bills at the end of the month is sometimes a very dangerous thing. Because if you pay these bills too promptly people are of the opinion you are bankrupt. Because bankrupts have to pay their bills actually on the due date. Otherwise they can go to court. There...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams you challenged, why?

KW: Oh deviation, of course we're discussing paying bills at the end of the month, not bankruptcy. If you were bankrupt, you wouldn't pay them at all, would you? Hahahahahaha!

NP: You could still be bankrupt by paying your bills or not.

KW: No, paying the bills at the end of the month is the question, love. Bankrupts couldn't pay them any time, could they?

NP: Yes dear I know. But there we are...

KW: That's deviation from what we're discussing!

NP: Don't browbeat the chairman Mr Williams! Clement Freud has another point, I disagree with you, and there are eight seconds left for him to discuss paying bills at the end of the month starting now.

CF: January...

BUZZ

NP: Andree Melly.

AM: Hesitation.

NP: No I don't think so. Clement Freud you still have another point, seven seconds for paying bills at the end of the month starting now.

CF: January's a very good month to pay bills at the end of. Because it has 31 days and the day of 30...

WHISTLE

NP: Andree your turn to begin... Kenneth stop fooling round please! Camping, that is the subject Andree Melly. Can you talk for Just A Minute starting now.

AM: This is something you either like doing, or you don't. I tried it once and I didn't really care for it. It's quite romantic sleeping out under the stars but after a bit everything starts to smell of mackintosh, and you're never quite warm enough, and you find you don't wash as often as you used to. Boy scouts I believe do it a great deal, in groups of 20 or more. And make campfires and sing round them and it's not my kind of thing at all. Er...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo you've challenged.

DN: Hesitation.

NP: Yes there was just a hesitation. I was so carried away with the sort of other ideas that were in her mind... Derek Nimmo you have 33 seconds left for camping starting now.

DN: Look quite honestly I've never been a great camper. I mean there's all sorts of people going through it a great deal these days really, but it's never appealed to me tremendously. I don't know why, I think it's really that I don't awfully care for the outdoor life. I mean, there by your wigwam with your little fire and your billycan to hand. It isn't really my way of spending a wet summer weekend...

BUZZ

NP: Andree Melly you challengd, why?

AM: Hesitation.

NP: Hesitation indeed yes. Twelve seconds for camping Andree starting now.

AM: You need a tent and some pegs to pin it down with. And tins of food and a tin opener, and a box of matches so as you can make a fire...

WHISTLE

NP: Well as Andree was speaking as the whistle went she gains another point and that point puts her just ahead of Kenneth Williams, who's sunk back to fourth place at that...

KW: I've sunk? Ohhh!

NP: Clement Freud is one point ahead of Derek Nimmo who is...

KW: Oh he always is!

NP: ...in second place. Clement Freud your turn to begin, the cult of nudism. There's a good subject to talk about for Just A Minute starting now.

CF: The cult of nudism is one that doesn't necessarily involve taking off all your clothes. You can be a nudist, wearing a vest and pants, a collar, a shirt, a tie, a suit with trousers, a waistcoat and a vest. And deep down mentally you are still a nudist, because you feel that you would like to get rid of these clothes. But suppose you want to go in for nudism a little more actively. Then it is essential to strip yourself of all garments... can you stop Nimmo looking at me?

BUZZ

CF: Nimmo's looking at me! I won't have it!

NP: Andree Melly you challenged, why?

CF: I'll defy that...

AM: He hast... he wanted to be stopped.

NP: Andree Melly, the listeners, challenged because Kenneth er... Clement wanted to be stopped because he felt...

AM: Hesitation coming on!

NP: No...

KW: Yes! Yes!

NP: There was hesitation coming on because Kenneth Williams was looking at him in a very peculiar way! Andree Melly did the honours for Clement Freud and she has the subject of the cult of nudism with 32 seconds left starting now.

AM: There was a very interesting programme on television on this subject. I was watching one programme, turned over, and there was this lady with nothing on, trying...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams you challenged, why?

KW: Deviation.

NP: Why?

KW: The cult of nudism is the subject, not watching television.

AM: I said... A telly programme on the subject!

NP: That is true... what were you going to say Andree?

AM: It was a telly programme on the subject.

NP: Yes but it was about nudism actually. I don't think it was about, it wasn't called the cult of nudism. So Kenneth Williams has a point and he has the subject with 25 seconds left starting now.

KW: The cult of nudism is to do with the worship of nakedness. And what more adorable thing could you have to worship? Here we have all hypocrisy swept away, all the puffery, all the dressing up, all the decoration, the embellishment, all the rubbish in other words...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud...

KW: ...gone! And...

NP: Clement challenged you...

KW: Oh!

CF: Repetition.

NP: Of what?

CF: Too many alls.

NP: Well when Kenneth Williams goes in, he goes all in doesn't he. Anyway Clement Freud you have another point for the cult of nudism and you have seven seconds left starting now.

CF: I once went to North Middlesex to be...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo you challenged, why?

DN: He's talking about a visit to North Middlesex, deviation.

NP: A clever challenge Derek Nimmo, another point and you have five, four seconds left for the cult of nudism starting now.

DN: Take 'em off, I cry! Away with those...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud you challenged, why?

CF: Hesitation.

DN: Well you have to pause for a moment while you take them off!

NP: Actually I... actually I think he paused because the audience laughed. It was difficult to judge it. So I'm afraid I must give it to Derek Nimmo and two seconds left for the cult of nudism starting now.

DN: Off with my shoes, then my socks...

WHISTLE

NP: So the nudist scene has put Derek Nimmo into a small lead of one over Clement Freud who still has a commanding lead over Andree Melly who is one point ahead of Kenneth Williams. Derek Nimmo it's your turn to begin, public relations. Just talk for 60 seconds if you can starting now.

DN: Ronald Kershaw Sudbury Hardy of Portmeadow, Tochness, Devon, is one of my public relations. He is a local worthy, a keen sailor, a scout commissioner. Beatrice Mason who lives at 44 Lusivus Avenue in Flinchard, North Wales is also a public relation of mine. She plays bridge, she is a keen member of the local Conservative association. I have a sister Barouet Williams her name is by her husband who lives...

BUZZ

NP: Andree Melly challenged.

AM: Hesitation.

NP: Hesitation's right, yes, yes. Thirty-five seconds left for public relations Andree Melly you start now.

AM: This is one of these mysterious subjects. PR officers I believe that some of them are called, who try to publicise for you whatever you want to have publicised. Ah...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud.

CF: Hesitation.

NP: Hesitation yes and repetition of publicise too. Clement Freud you have 14 seconds left for public relations starting now.

CF: There are people who have no private relations who are forced to go into this in a professional way. And they appoint a gentleman to project their image to the world at large, saying "Clement Freud..."

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo you challenged, why?

DN: Hesitation.

NP: Yes indeed. Four, no, three seconds left for public relations Derek Nimmo starting now.

DN: Aunt Gertrude, Uncle Charlie..

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud, you challenged, why?

CF: Repetition of the telephone directory.

NP: Aunt Gertrude, you'd had it...

CF: Aunt Gertrude is a private relation, you see.

DN: No, she has a very public life!

CF: She's not a public relation because she's not everybody's Aunt Gertrude. She's yours.

NP: I'm going to put it to the audience. I can't decide between public relations, whether they're private relations and they become public. Do you think that Derek, Clement Freud's challenge is justified and if you do, will you please cheer, and if you don't will you please boo, and will you all do it together please now.

CHEERS AND BOOS FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: Clement Freud they're on your side of the argument without a doubt. You have another point, you have two seconds left for public relations starting now.

CF: In Fleet Street there's a lot...

WHISTLE

NP: So the public relations has put Clement Freud into a commanding lead equal with Derek Nimmo, with Andree Melly trailing in third place and Kenneth Williams trailing in fourth place. And this alas is the last subject. Kenneth Williams it is your turn to begin. If you'd like to put your shoes on I'm sure...

KW: I've got bad feet!

NP: Well the subject is holiday brochures, bad feet or not, maybe you can think of one that will do your feet good. But otherwise will you speak for 60 seconds on holiday brochures starting now.

KW: Holiday brochures are always the most deceptive thing in this world. They choose a day when the sun's shining and the beach looks really lovely and there aren't any of these nasty jellyfish around. And of course everyone sitting there looks delighted with the whole place. But when you get there the sun's never like that. Neither's the hotel and they always say "all in". They don't tell you about the extras and there's loads of extras! If you want a bath it's extra! I mean if you want a meal it's extra...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo why have you challenged.

DN: Repetition, too many extras.

NP: And too much hesitation I would have thought. All right, 22 seconds left Derek for holiday, holiday brochures starting now.

DN: The cult of nudism has provided a lot of very interesting holiday brochures. I remember going down to Bournemouth last Sunday... oh I stopped! (starts to laugh)

BUZZ

CF: Hesitation.

NP: Hesitation, indeed yes. Twenty-four seconds left for holiday brochures Clement Freud starting now.

CF: In my opinion the best holiday brochures are those put out by the Hampshire County Council. And they put them out for Gasport, Southampton, Portsmouth. The beaches are beautiful, the sands gold...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams you challenged, why?

KW: Oh deviation, there's no such place as Gasport.

NP: Gasport? No, it does sound very peculiar.

KW: Yes! I've never heard of it! Gasport!

NP: All right, all right. Eleven seconds left for your Gasport challenge and holiday brochures is the subject and you start now.

KW: Yes well as I said they're oh, hopelessly...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud.

KW: What? What? What's happening now? I'm sorry, I was mystified! What?

NP: I'll tell you what happened, you were challenged. By Clement Freud.

KW: Oh sorry!

NP: Yes, Clement Freud?

CF: If he's already said it, it's repetition. He said as I said.

NP: Oh how extremely clever. All right, did you say as I said?

KW: I'm afraid I was guilty.

NP: All right...

KW: I am in the position of being...

NP: Your honesty... All right Kenneth you're very honest and we appreciate it very much. Eight, nine seconds left for holiday brochures Clement Freud starting now.

CF: Hotels and holiday resorts are tabulated into classes to which they adhere. Like first class which means every room has a bathroom...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams you challenged.

KW: Deviation, we're discussing a holiday brochure, not the classifications of hotels.

NP: All right Kenneth Williams, there are two seconds left for holiday brochures, you start now.

KW: Holiday brochures are glossy and lovely, they look all...

WHISTLE

NP: Well I don't know whether you were, but I was following that last round absolutely attentively because with Derek Nimmo and Clement Freud being equal, obviously one of them had to win on that round. And it happened to be Clement Freud who got the extra point. So let me just tell you that Andree Melly unfortunately came last, one point behind Kenneth Williams who with his holiday brochures leapt into third place. Derek Nimmo kept definitely well in second place but Clement Freud by one point is this week's winner.

THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: The chairman of Just A Minute was Nicholas Parsons, the programme was devised by Ian Messiter and produced by David Hatch.