JAM:KWilliams,DNimmo,CFreud,AMelly
WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE!

starring KENNETH WILLIAMS, DEREK NIMMO, CLEMENT FREUD and ANDREE MELLY, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 2 March 1970)


THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: We present Kenneth Williams, Derek Nimmo, Clement Freud and Andree Melly in Just A Minute. And as the Minute Waltz fades away here to tell you about it is our chairman Nicholas Parsons.

NICHOLAS PARSONS: Thank you, thank you very much and welcome once again to Just A Minute. And the rules are as before. I'm going to ask them all to speak if they can for Just A Minute on some unlikely subject without hesitation, without repetition, and without deviating from the subject if they can. And if the others think they are guilty of doing this they may challenge and if I agree with that challenge or not they will gain points or otherwise. That's how we play and let's begin with Derek Nimmo. Derek the subject is passing the buck. Would you try and speak for 60 seconds on that starting now.

DEREK NIMMO: Well I'm a tremendous believer in passing the buck. Particularly in the year, the period of the year when it is rutting. I think it's most dangerous to go anywhere near a fallow or red deer when it is in that state. Now a rut as you probably know is a period of intense sexual excitement which they experience occasionally during the passing of 12 months. Another way of using the passing the buck expression of course is the way in the game of poker. When the player is about to, it's his go next, they put something in front of him to show that it's going to be his next go. And that's why if you...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud you have challenged.

DN: It wasn't hesitation really!

CLEMENT FREUD: Repetition of next. Next next.

NP: Yes it was the next time round, yes. There was rather a lot of next, it wasn't just twice Derek. So...

DN: Oh I'm sorry, I'm awfully sorry.

NP: No no no, it was terribly interesting. We were very worried about what was going to happen to these deers especially... anyway Clement Freud I agree with your challenge so you gain a point and you take over the subject of passing the buck and there are 20 seconds left starting now.

CF: Frequently on the... west coast...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo you challenged.

DN: Hesitation.

NP: Yes! A little sharp but er there was a definite hesitation. But um so there are 17 seconds left for you Derek with passing the buck again starting now.

DN: In the United States of America if you pass the buck it means to hand over the smallest piece of coinage within that country. Now last time...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud why have you challenged?

CF: It's a continent. Deviation.

DN: The United States of America is not a continent.

NP: Yes it is part of the American continent, it is not actually a continent. So Derek Nimmo as I disagree with your challenge takes another point and he continues with the subject with 10 seconds starting now.

DN: Of course in bushy park it's terribly dangerous because they have these big antlers and they come charging towards you. And you have to duck down underneath the brambles and be still there because...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud why have you challenged?

CF: Deviation.

NP: Why?

CF: Brambles in bushy parks.

NP: I, I think that there are brambles in bushy parks, same as most of the other parks of this country. Derek I disagree with the challenge, I do think there are brambles in bushy parks. There are two seconds left for you to continue with passing the buck starting now.

DN: So when I start playing stud poker, I always say...

WHISTLE

NP: The whistle that has just blown tells us that 60 seconds is up and whoever is speaking at that particular moment gains another point. In this case it was Derek Nimmo who at the end of the first round has taken a very natural and commanding lead. Clement Freud, would you begin... I say natural only because he's spoken so much, not for any other reason. Clement Freud would you take the second subject, the subject which is crossed lines. And start talking on that now.

CF: Between bramble bushes in bushy park, you are likely to find any number of crossed lines. Some go from the tree on the left to a stalk of grass on the right. Others are attached to palms, to ferns, and to other...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KENNETH WILLIAMS: Well not only hesitation but er...

NP: But what?

KW: ...an awful lot of deviation too, I thought.

NP: I think there was absolutely no deviation, I...

KW: Well I...

NP: I would stick on the hesitation...

KW: All right, well I'd better do that, yes.

NP: That was your first challenge which I quite agree with. So Kenneth you take over the subject, there are 43 seconds left for crossed lines starting now.

KW: Well this of course means when you are telephoning someone, you hear instead the voice of a person to whom you did not wish to speak at all. Sometimes it can be great fun. I heard some woman say, "so we've had the passage taken right away." And the other woman said "oooh did you get permission?" She said "no we never asked." And the operator said "we're going to blow through the receiver tonight because mastoidal germs do get in the earpiece and so do cover your phone with a nice plastic bag like you get from the cleaners". So she's sitting there with this over her phone of course, waiting for it to get covered in black. And of course it's all rubbish, I've never known...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo why have you challenged?

DN: deviation, it's all rubbish!

KW: Oh he's sly! He's very sly!

NP: Derek it may be all rubbish but you see, what the people were saying on the phone was rubbish. So strictly speaking...

DN: Oh!

NP: ...he was deviating from the subject of crossed lines which does turn out to be rubbish when you listen to it. So I think that Kenneth Williams still has the subject with another point and one second to go starting now.

BUZZ

KW: So she said "here! Are you the one I wanted to speak to, is it Lambeth 5479?"

NP: Clement Freud challenged you before you got going.

KW: Oh dear oh dear!

NP: Why Clement?

CF: Well hesitation.

NP: I disagree entirely. Kenneth you have half a second to continue...

CF: With a hesitation?

NP: ...with crossed lines starting now.

KW: "Lambeth 5406", she said, "I'm after..."

WHISTLE

KW: Oh tell me! Tell me I've leapt into the lead! Go on!

NP: Kenneth I have to tell you that you...

KW: Yes! Go on!

NP: ...have leapt into the lead!

KW: Yes?

NP: Yes...

KW: Oh I'm all worked up!

NP: It's all those crossed lines wasn't it?

KW: Yes! I've crossed my legs as well here!

NP: Well steady on, steady on, because it's your turn to begin.

KW: Yes?

NP: The subject is what happened to Anne of Cleves. Having twitched your nose up to the left-hand side of your face and back to the right, can you tell us for 60 seconds starting now.

KW: Well this John of Ravensburg sent her over here, not to be confused with Raven of course. Though many people thought he was to have thought that she could successfully marry...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo why have you challenged?

DN: Deviation, she wasn't sent over. Thomas Cromwell went over looking for her first. Deviation.

NP: Yes but as I understand from my history that she came unwillingly, I do believe that she was...

DN: No, she came quite willingly. Hoebein was sent over to paint her picture...

NP: Yes but she may have come willingly, or whether you may believe she became unwillingly. He still is on the subject of Anne of Cleves, what happened to her, so he's not deviating from the subject which is the exact ruling. So therefore I cannot have you for deviation and Kenneth gets another point and he continues with the subject, 47 seconds left starting now.

KW: Her portrait was sent on ahead and Henry expressed a fancy. He said "oooohh not bad! She's quite, quite dishy..."

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud challenged.

KW: What's the matter with him?

CF: Hesitation.

NP: Well there was hesitation but I think it was the audience reaction which slightly inhibited him.

KW: Yes that's right! There you are!

CF: It didn't inhibit my buzz, so why should it inhibit him?

NP: Well I'm going on this occasion to give the benefit of the doubt to Kenneth because he did actually respond to the audience reaction. But Kenneth you have... I know it's difficult, when you get a nice warm reaction, not to respond to it, but you have to try and keep going. Thirty-seven seconds left for what happened to Anne of Cleves, Kenneth starting now.

KW: But he had the marriage annulled, because he couldn't stand the sight of her, and it's suspected that she had terrible BO. And she was sent packing, you see, to Cleves...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo why have you challenged?

DN: Hesitation, she didn't go back to Cleves. She lived in retirement in England for 15 years on a pension.

KW: Oh dear, he's very knowledgable!

NP: Derek Nimmo you have a point, well done.

KW: Very clever, innee?

NP: And there are 26 seconds left for what happened to Anne of Cleves, Derek, starting now.

DN: Well of course the marriage was really annulled because it was not consumated. In their time, Henry the Eighth was a tremendous authority on marital law, because he was ridding himself of previous wives. And that was how, how he was able to get rid of her...

BUZZ

NP: Clement why have you challenged?

CF: Hesitation.

NP: Yes yes I'm sorry, it was one of those difficult ones when he's going at speed. Clement you have 16 seconds to continue with what happened to Anne of Cleves starting now.

CF: Anne of Cleves was a 92-year-old washerwoman (starts to laugh)

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams why have you challenged?

KW: Well honestly! It's (laughing) an absolute disgrace!

NP: The awful thing is he might know a 92-year-old washerwoman called Anne of Cleves! So within the laws of the game, you see, he, unless you can establish it very rapidly, he gets a point and he continues. With 13 seconds (laughing) what happened to Anne of Cleves starting now.

BUZZ

NP: Andree Melly you've challenged.

ANDREE MELLY: He didn't start.

NP: He didn't start. Andree you have a point, 11 seconds for what happened to Anne of Cleves starting now.

AM: The Anne of Cleves I knew was an absolutely useless type of doll. It was the type you couldn't take the clothes off, they were all Elizabethan, you couldn't even take her nickers off, which as everyone knows...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams why have you challenged?

KW: Deviation, why should you want to take her clothes off? It's a disgrace! It's unhealthy curiosity, that is! That's unhealthy! I haven't come here to listen to a load of filth! I thought this was going to be a decent game! Family entertainment! I thought it was family entertainment I'd come for! I don't want to listen to a load of filth!

NP: Well done Kenneth we really enjoyed that, absolutely lovely! Andree Melly has another point and she continues with the subject...

KW: Ohhhh! Disgraceful!

NP: She, if you have a doll, you're allowed to undress her and there's nothing devious in it at all.

CF: Oh really?

NP: Absolutely nothing! Andree you have two seconds left for what happened to Anne of Cleves starting now.

AM: And her eyes wouldn't shut either!

WHISTLE

NP: As Andree Melly was speaking then when the whistle went, she has got another point. In fact she has got three more points in that round and she's creeping up on the fellows. Derek Nimmo will you begin the next round, the subject is teabags, 60 seconds starting now.

DN: Well I personally possess a beautiful pair of grey flannel tea-bags. I call them that because when I come home at a certain time in the afternoon, I always change into them before sitting in front of the fire to consume a great plate of crumpets and a lovely pot of the afore-mentioned liquid. I put it on my knee across the grey suiting which I have already mentioned, and then...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud why have you challenged?

CF: He's already mentioned it.

NP: Well why...

CF: Repetition.

NP: What?

CF: Repetition. He's already mentioned it.

NP: Yes but he might have mentioned it but he has, in this particular round referred to it in different terms. So he has not been accurately repetitious according to the Just A Minute rules. So Derek gets a point and continues with the subject, 36 seconds left for teabags starting now.

DN: As everybody really knows they're those nasty little net receptacles that you whack a few tea leaves into and all the time...

BUZZ

NP: Andree Melly why have you challenged?

AM: Deviation, they've already got the tea in them, you don't whack...

NP: You don't whack the tea in youself, they're put in by...

DN: They! And you!

NP: Which you said, you made it quite clear to my mind that you personally whack the tea in. And so the, the manufacturers do that. Andree Melly you take over the subject, 30 seconds left for teabags starting now.

AM: These are an American... invention I believe...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud why have you challenged?

CF: Hesitation.

NP: Yes I agree Clement, so you take over the subject of teabags, 27 seconds left starting now.

CF: These were invented in England by a man called Simon Prouston who... in early...

BUZZ

NP: Andree Melly why have you challenged?

AM: Deviation, I don't believe him.

NP: Nor do I at all.

KW: Well you're very foolish then, you've, you've jumped right in it, you have! He did invent them, you great fool!

NP: If you think, audience, that Simon Prouson invented teabags, will you cheer. No, will you boo. And if you don't think he did, will you cheer. So if you're for Simon Prouson, boo, if you're not, cheer, and do it now together.

CHEERS AND BOOS FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: You're against Simon Prouson. Andree Melly, you take over the subject, there are 20 seconds left for teabags starting now.

AM: These things were invented by an unnamed person who...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo why have you challenged?

DN: Deviation, we know it's Simon Prouson!

NP: Actually we have established that Simon Prouson did not. That's what we definitely established from this audience and they're the final arbiters in this particular game. So Andree gets another point and there are 17 seconds left for teabags starting now.

AM: You put them in the teapot and you put the boiling water on them and it makes a disgusting cup of tea. This is not at all, as anyone like Clement Freud will tell us, a gastronomically correct way to make the aforesaid liquid. And...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams why...

KW: Deviation! How does she know what Clement Freud will tell us! Is she inside his head! Is she clairvoyant! Has she got a crystal ball over there?

NP: Well done Kenneth!

KW: Yes! Making these generalisations! She wants...

NP: Yes she was but I disagree entirely with what you've just said. Because she wasn't deviating from the subject of teabags. So Andree gets another point, she continues for five seconds on the subject starting now.

AM: You get about 24 of them in a box when you buy them at the grocer's or the supermarket. And...

WHISTLE

NP: Well Andree Melly with the help of Simon Prouson has, at the end of that round leapt into the lead alongside Kenneth Williams. And Clement Freud and Derek nimmo are trailing just a little way behind them. Clement Freud would you begin the next round, the subject is leftovers. As a good gastronome, I'm sure you can talk about that eloquently for 60 seconds starting now.

CF: These at one time were called googlies or chinamen. And are in fact cricket balls delivered by the left hand at a batsman who may be right handed or not. An over consists of six balls in this country but eight in the Antipodes amongst which countries I'd like to single out Australia and New Zealand. The great practitioners were Chipperfield and O'Reilly, probably best known for his invention of the word which I used previously and will not do so again. But it is also a term given to bits of food left about in larders which are perhaos most commonly referred to as leftovers. Um, sausage meat on a saucer or perhaps a teabag left in some annex to the pantry...

BUZZ

NP: Andree Melly why have you challenged?

AM: That's a left over, not a leftovers. A teabag on a saucer.

NP: Oh I think that's being pedantic Andree. It was so delightful. He was going with such, such mellifluous ex... I don't know what I'm talking about. He was going jolly well anyway wasn't he. So Clement Freud gets another point and there are 13 seconds left for leftovers starting now.

CF: I know a woman who lives at Eton Square who actually practices what she preaches and serves leftovers to all her guests. I have dined with her and had crusts of bread with skin from custard and odd pieces of fat with...

WHISTLE

NP: Well Clement Freud gets two very well-deserved points in that round...

KW: He doesn't deserve them! That was a disgraceful libel on one of London's most distinguished hostesses!

NP: He deserved them because he kept going magnificently for 60 full seconds with only one interruption and it's more difficult to keep going if you have been interrupted. Jolly good, and now you have leapt into the lead alongside Andree Melly and Kenneth Williams.

KW: A worthy position for him to share, isn't it!

NP: Andree Melly will you begin the next one, how to build an igloo. A rather cold subject but I'm sure you'll warm it up for us, 60 seconds starting now.

AM: First, take a rather nice eskimo, and set him to find...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams why have you challenged?

KW: Well you don't build an igloo by taking an eskimo!

NP: But Kenneth it might be possible to do it that way. And maybe Andree has got some very good reason for getting her eskimo first, who probably knows more about it than she does.

AM: Exactly!

KW: It’s obvious whose side you're on, innit?

NP: I try to be on the side of fairness and justice.

KW: Mmmm! Very partisan, aren't we!

NP: Very pompous maybe sometimes. But I try to do my best. Andree Melly you take another point and there are 55 seconds for how to build an igloo starting now.

AM: You need an ice glacier that's going rent-free. And a large pick-axe or two. And then you leave the eskimo to get on with it...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud why have you challenged? Why have you challenged?

CF: Repetition of eskimo.

NP: Yes indeed, you had your eskimo once so you can't have him twice, Clement, not in this game. Anyway Clement Freud you have 47 seconds for how to build an igloo starting now.

CF: Unless you have a deep freeze this really shouldn't be attempted. I know a man who lives in...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams why have you challenged?

KW: I, die, die, die, die, deviation.

NP: Di-deviation?

KW: Deviation. You wouldn't build an igloo if you had a deep freeze. Ludicrous!

NP: Clement can you justify it very rapidly? I ...

CF: You'd have an awful job getting the snow if you only had a domestic fridge!

NP: No, no, I think if you want to build an igloo, you can only do it in Eskimoland, in Greenland, so I don;t think deep freezes have much to do with it. It's a very debateable point but I'm giving the benefit of the doubt to Kenneth...

CF: You keep giving him the benefit of the doubt.

NP: I think with justification.

CF: Well...

KW: You keep quiet! Don't argue with the chairman! Disgraceful!

CF: Why don't you...

KW: We've got to have rules! You know, we've got to have rules!

NP: Kenneth Williams you have another point and 43 seconds to continue with, not continue but to start on how to build an igloo starting now.

KW: These are done by making snow into bricks. The process of course...

BUZZ

NP: Andree Melly why have you challenged?

AM: Deviation, because it's ice you have to make the bricks of. The snow would all crumble away

KW: You great fool! They start with snow! That's how cement starts, as liquid!

NP: You...

KW: It goes hard, you see!

NP: And it's another point. Whether you were doing that, we're not. It is probably possible and certainly Kenneth Williams might try it that way. So he hasn't deviated from how to build an igloo...

CF: Give him the benefit of the doubt!

NP: I don't need to give him the benefit of the doubt, he has established it firmly, I hope and I've explained why. Thirty-six seconds, how to build an igloo Kenneth starting now.

KW: The warm snow is placed in these boxes, and then put outside. And in the outside, it's put on the outside...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo why have you challenged?

DN: Deviation, and repetition actually.

KW: I'm explaining the process, don't you want to hear it?

NP: You can't have two challenges, which are you challenging on?

DN: Well on deviation.

NP: Why?

DN: Because you can't put the snow into your boxes and build it that way!

NP: Well you see I would have given it to you for hesitation. He might be able to do it that way. You see he hasn't actually deviated from the subject of how to build an igloo. So this igloo may collapse, it may melt..

DN: So give him the benefit of the doubt!

NP: There is no benefit of the doubt, I have said why he has another point, so there are 31 seconds left Kenneth starting now.

KW: And moreover, if you get the germs like influenza out there while you're building it of course, they are dead within seconds...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo why have you challenged?

DN: Deviation, he's talking about eskimo illnesses now, rather than building igloos.

NP: A very clever challenge, I don't think that has got much to do with building an igloo. So you have deviated Kenneth, and Derek gets a point and there are 25 seconds left, Derek, how to build an igloo starting now.

DN: This particular kind of loo was invented by a man...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth why have you challenged?

KW: Well deviation, it's igloo, not loo. And you can't make a derivative of that in loo.

NP: I...

KW: Unless you're in lieu of!

NP: In lieu of, no...

KW: Which is different entirely!

NP: It is possible to interpret the word, this is not a visual programme, in any way you wish, according to the way it sounds on your ear...

KW: That's not interpreting the word, that's splitting the word up! Igloo he's taken it as loo! That's not altering the inetrpretation, it's altering the word!

NP: We have had this before and we have established that you can interpret the words as they sound to your ear, providing that you have not deviated from the actual pronounciation.

KW: Oh well of course, if that's your ruling, I would accept it!

NP: You have the most charming way of wriggling out of everything Kenneth! Derek Nimmo has another point and there are 22 seconds left for how to build an igloo Derek starting now.

DN: They were invented by the well-known man, Mr Prouson, who is also famous for his invention of teabags. And he was known...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud why have you challenged?

CF: Well the audience have established that Prouson didn't invent teabags!

NP: Well done! A very clever challenge Clement so 16 seconds for you to continue with how to build an igloo starting now.

CF: It is essential to have a lot of snow and a cold climate. You then take the afore-mentioned substance, packing it together that it creates some kind of housing, ideally shaped like a tent or perhaps more like an Arab wigwam...

WHISTLE

NP: Well as Clement Freud was speaking then when the whistle went, he goes into second place, just one point behind Kenneth Williams who's still just in the lead. And it's very exciting because Andree's only a little way behind and Derek's only a little behind that. And Kenneth Williams you begin the next subject, it is English litreature. Sixty seconds on that if you can starting now.

KW: Well of course I suppose the whole story begins with the Anglo-Saxon period, and of course Harold Helm and the Venerable Bede who could hardly write and only just read. And then sweeps with Chaucer into the English Renaissance which finds its founding head with William Shakespeare. After that of course very little looms. The only hope thereafter of course lies for me in the romantics. And who better, or more representative than Byron, your Keats, your Shelley. Oh I knew he was going to do that on the you, oh I should never...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Well I haven't got anything at all really! But when he said you knew he was going to do it or something...

KW: I know...

DN: I thought I'd better get in while he was talking about it!

KW: Because I said your Keats, your Shalley, I thought you were going to do me for...

NP: You silly fellow! They were going to let you get away with your your, your your...

KW: Oh!

NP: You should have gone...

KW: Well shall I go again then?

NP: No! Derek gets a point and there are 11 seconds left for English litreature starting now.

DN: My favourite... English writer...

BUZZ

NP: Andree Melly.

AM: Hesitation.

NP: Yes alas there was. So Andree you take over the subject, eight seconds left, English litreature starting now.

AM: This is a subject that goes hand in hand with England...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud why have you challenged?

CF: Repetition of hand.

NP: Yes! Very clever, hand in hand...

KW: Brilliant! Brilliant!

NP: Brilliant! Another one of those brilliant Freudian challenges which gives him another point and three seconds for English litreature Clement starting now.

CF: Modern English litreature as practiced by Auden...

WHISTLE

NP: Well Clement Freud gets the extra point as he was speaking at the end of that round. And may I say before I give the final score, because that is the end of the show, that there's one lesson to learn in this game, that if you've started going, keep going whatever happens. Because Kenneth...

KW: I know! It is a shame! You know...

NP: Yes!

KW: ...because I had a lovely bit of Byron I was going to do.

NP: Yes and if you'd kept going, you see, you might have finished up and got that extra point and been the winner.

KW: I know!

NP: What has happened is Clement on the last round, again with those clever challenges, has caught you up and is equal with you at the end of this round.

KW: Oh dear dear!

NP: Derek Nimmo was in fourth place, a little way behind Andree Melly who was a little way behind this week's joint winners, Clement Freud and Kenneth Williams!

KW: Oh lovely!

NP: I'm sorry but, I'm sorry that that's all we have time for in this particular edition of Just A Minute because we really enjoy playing the game and we hope that you have enjoyed listening to it. Goodbye from us all. Goodbye.

THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: The chairman of Just A Minute was Nicholas Parsons, the programme was devised by Ian Messiter and produced by Simon Brett.