ANNOUNCER: We present Kenneth Williams, Derek Nimmo, Clement Freud and Andree Melly in Just A Minute. And as the Minute Waltz fades away here to tell you about it is our chairman Nicholas Parsons.

NICHOLAS PARSONS: Thank you, thank you very much indeed and welcome once again to Just A Minute. And may I remind you the rules are as before. I'm going to ask them to speak if they can on some subject that I will give them without hesitation, without repetition and without deviating from the subject. And according to how successful they are at being challenged or not being challenged, they will gain points or their opponents will gain points. And Derek Nimmo will you begin, jellyfish. Will you talk to us about jellyfish for 60 seconds starting now.

DEREK NIMMO: This is a perfectly rotten subject to be given. But I will endeavour to speak about jellyfish. Not awfully attractive things. Rather a misnomer if you think about it. Because they're not fish at all, are they really? Hahaha. Then one, one of the things that really attracts me to them is when you see them in the Bay of Biscay, those great Portugese men-of-war, floating towards you, their tentacles hanging down. And you've got to do a pretty nippy crawl to get away, haven't you really, if you think about. Because if you stay there, you get stung! And there's nothing worse, because you have to be dragged off into a boat, put on your back and people come along and flop things on you, cold creams and ointments until eventually you're repaired and put ashore once more. I once knew a lady who was called Mrs Fish and because she was so fat we all used to call her Mrs Jelly Fish and she didn't like it at all...


NP: Clement Freud has challenged. Why?

CLEMENT FREUD: Repetition of Mrs.

NP: Mrs Fish and Mrs, there was a re...

DN: Oh absolutely right!

NP: Absolutely right, yes! There we are!

DN: Jolly good!

NP: We loved it so much, you see, we were all with you. Clement Freud I agree with your challenge, there was a repetition of Mrs, so you take over the subject having gained a point, 10 seconds left, jellyfish starting now.

CF: And Mrs Fish lived in Liverpool, and looked after Derek Nimmo when he was a small boy together with...


NP: Kenneth Williams why have you challenged?


NP: Why?

KW: Because she never looked after him when she was a small boy.

DN: She did!

CF: She did actually.

DN: She did.

NP: Well as Derek Nimmo says she did, and Clement Freud was speaking, I must disagree...

KW: Anyway I was awfully bored by the whole thing! I think it's disgraceful so I, it's deviation on the grounds of boredom! And that's totally valid!

NP: We can't create that rule or we would never get going! Clement Freud I disagree with the challenge so you gain another point and you have five seconds for jellyfish starting now.

CF: She was later succeeded by Nurse Lightfoot who kept...


NP: Kenneth Williams why have you challenged?

KW: Deviation, that is not true.

NP: I'm inclined to agree that that wasn't true.

DN: No, it was actually, absolutely true! Nurse Lightfoot!

CF: He's constantly talking about Nurse Lightfoot...

NP: Well it's about Derek. Can you as a man who plays men of God on occasions...

CF: He's always talking about them!

DN: I actually had a very curious childhood! I'm blessed to have to say that Miss Lightfoot lived next door to me, sh's getting married this very Saturday at the Adelphi Hotel...

KW: Oh well...

NP: A round of applause for Miss Lightfoot!

DN: Very good! Absolutely true!

KW: What's she got to do with jellyfish anyway?

NP: I was so... If you challenged on that score...

KW: That was what I meant to challenge on!

NP: But I'm afraid you didn't! Derek's firmly established that Miss Lightfoot did look after him. So Clement wasn't deviating, he has another point, two seconds left starting now.

CF: Halibut in asquith...


NP: Well jellyfish, Miss Lightfoot and many other things helped Clement Freud to get many points at the end of that round. In fact at the end of the first round, he's the only person to have scored. Kenneth Williams, it's your turn to begin...

KW: Oh at last!

NP: We have heard from you Kenneth to some effect as well.

KW: But I mean, it's my subject. I haven't had a subject, have I?

NP: Well we hope this is your subject because Ian Messiter's thought of Rasputin for you.

KW: Oh!

NP: So can you talk to us about Rasputin for 60 seconds starting now.

KW: Well only in a very general sense. He was at the court of the Tsar...


NP: Ah Derek Nimmo's challenged.

DN: Deviation, he wasn't a General, he was a monk.

KW: I said in the general sense!

NP: A clever try but not a legitimate challenge, so Kenneth gets a point, 55 seconds for Rasputin Kenneth starting now.

KW: One biographer described his cult as being unspeakably foul. And I am perfectly prepared to believe it. He exercised some sort of influence over the Empress because she thought he could wreak some miraculous...


NP: Derek Nimmo's challenged again.

DN: Deviation, she wasn't an Empress, she was a Tsarina.

NP: She was the Tsarina, but I mean...

KW: She was also the Empress yes.

NP: Can't you refer to her as Empress...

DN: The Tsar of Russia, he wasn't the Emperor.

KW: He was the Emperor as well.

DN: The Tsar of Russia!

NP: The Tsar of Russia and the Tsarina. But sometimes she's referred to as the Empress, isn't she?

KW: Of couse she is!

CF: Or Fred!

NP: Right! As I'm not sure, I'll be perfectly honest about this, I will let the audience be the judge as they're always the final judge.

CF: No you don't! Brilliant!

NP: She can be referred to as the Empress.

CF: Can we confine this vote to people with a degree in history?

NP: Yes! All those with any degree in history put up your hands? We have somebody at the back! There's somebody at the back with a degree in history! Sir you will be the judge! Can the Tsarina of Russia be referred to as the Empress of Russia? Thank you very much! I thought I was right! Kenneth, Rasputin is still with you and there are 38 seconds left starting now.

KW: Well one night a member of the court, Prince Usipov, threw this party and done him in. I believe it was a rather nasty business. He stabbed him in all kinds of places. I don't want to go into it now, because obviously you're not the kind of people who want to hear about a load of filth like that! But suffice it to say...


NP: Derek Nimmo has challenged.

DN: Deviation, I am the sort of person who wants to hear a load of filth!

NP: One of those impossible challenges that I have to decide about! And what I will say is this. Kenneth was definitely looking at the audience in the studio when he said you don't want to hear about that and his gaze was nowhere near Derek Nimmo!

KW: Nonetheless Derek's valid, it's a valid thing, quite valid!

NP: Give Derek a point...

KW: It is valid! He's very clever! He made a definite point there!

NP: Yes, he was very... and the audience enjoyed it, and the applause means they approve of the challenge and so give Derek a point, but I don't think he was strictly speaking deviating from the subject of Rasputin...

KW: So I'm left with this rotten subject!

NP: And 19 seconds left, a point to Derek, starting now.

KW: Well actually Malenkov in his book on Rasputin says the lice were jumping in and out of his beard. And he retreated from the figure for fear of infection. How would you like it if you saw a load of things crawling...


NP: Well Kenneth, in spite of not liking the subject, he managed to keep going in spite of three interruptions and finished with it, gained the extra point for speaking when the whistle went. And we now move on, oh, the score at the end of the second round, Clement is still in the lead, Kenneth in second place. Clement Freud, Japan, can you talk to us about that for 60 seconds starting now.

CF: I have been to Japan to witness the Olympic Games which were, took place there in 1964. But I have recently visited a Japanese restaurant where the fare from that country was on offer. And what surprised me particularly was that we sat down very low on the floor. And a waitress brought saucepans and knives and forks and bits of food and a burner. And we were asked to cook our own repast, which amazed me because the bill was exceedingly high. And I wondered of we'd stayed and done the washing up, would we have been able to afford the asking price of that establishment. Japan is a country which consists of many islands, highly populated with labour that used to be vastly underpaid, and is now coming to a parity in international scale. But...


NP: And I think he almost dried up at the end! He just kept going, finished with the subject, first time it's happened for a week or two. So Clement Freud not only gets a point for speaking on the whistle, but a bonus point, and increases his lead at the end of that round. Er Andree Melly...


NP: The subject for you this week is fig leaves. Can you talk to us about that for 60 seconds starting now.

AM: These became famous very early on in the Bible as the first kind of topless bikinis. They... grow...


NP: Derek Nimmo's challenged.

DN: Well hesitation.

NP: Hesitation, I agree Derek, you take over the subject, 50 seconds for fig leaves starting now.

DN: I like them particularly when they're newly plucked from a tree and then put around a little concoction of rice, wheat, and you have donmadis. These should be eaten especially I think in the Aegean or one of those lovely islands like Poris...


NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Deviation.

NP: Why?

CF: Aegean is not an island. It's a sea.

NP: But he said...

DN: I didn't say it was actually an island there, love.

CF: You were talking about Aegean or one of those lovely islands.

NP: In the Aegean, or one of those lovely islands. He didn't get any further because you had decided that that sounded like...

CF: Deviation, do you really think...

NP: I disagree with the challenge...

CF: Swim out into the sea and eat vine leaves!

NP: Derek Nimmo has a point and there are 35 seconds for fig leaves starting now.

DN: They're particularly attractive if you swim out into the sea to eat them. They then should be held between your teeth whilst you're doing a crawl or perhaps a gentle...


NP: Kenneth Williams why have you challenged?

KW: Deviation, nobody stands about eating fig leaves in the water! It's a load of rubbish!

NP: I don't think anybody would actually put fig leaves in their mouth under the Aegean. But of course it is possible that you could do it. This is the difficult problem one has in making decisions...

KW: It’s deviation! Come along! It's established as deviation...

NP: No...

KW: He loses the point.

NP: All right, I'll leave this one to the audience because it was possible that you could do this, though it does sound a very devious action. Therefore it is possible, if you agree with Kenneth's challenge will you cheer and if you disagree will you boo, and will you all do it together now.


NP: They've decided that people do not swim out to the Aegean with fig leaves in their mouths. So Kenneth you have a point and 25 seconds for fig leaves starting now.

KW: Well I've nothing to say about fig leaves...


NP: Ah Andree Melly got in first.

AM: Deviation because he's nothing to say.

NP: All right Andree you have a point, 19 seconds for fig leaves starting now.

AM: They are to be found in the Mediterranean, next to the figs which are very delicious fruits. And I believe... they kep...


NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Hesitation.

NP: Hesitation, I agree Clement, another point to you, 15 seconds for fig leaves starting now.

CF: My first zoot suit was made entirely from fig leaves, and the jacket...


NP: Derek Nimmo has challenged.

DN: Deviation, if we weren't allowed to swim out into the Mediterranean with fig leaves, you can't possibly have a zoot suit made of fig leaves!

NP: Can you justify a zoot suit from fig leaves? No you can't! Four seconds for you Derek on fig leaves starting now.

DN: If you buy a box in Fortnum and Mason of these particular...


NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: Advertising! You're not allowed to do that by BBC charter!

NP: Oh what a difficult decision because deliberate advertising you could call... Yeah but it's not deviation from the subject on the card which is fig leaves even though he must watch it because he's not allowed to advertise on the BBC. One second left for fig leaves Derek starting now.

DN: I always watch fig leaves on TV...


NP: So Derek leapt forward with fig leaves from, I think, the fourth position...

KW: Cheating he was! That's how he leapt forward! Cheating! All that stuff about swimming out and eating them, swimming out in the ocean to eat fig leaves...

NP: Anyway he's now in second place, one point behind our leader who is still Clement Freud. Derek Nimmo your turn to begin, the subject is ludo. Can you talk to us about it for 60 seconds starting now.

DN: Oh gosh that reminds me of my happy nursery days with Nurse Fish...


NP: Yes, somebody pressed their buzzer but didn't keep it on long enough because no light has come on.

KW: It was me.

NP: All right. Kenneth what was your challenge?

KW: I don't want to hear about this nurse again! He's always dragging his nurse in!

NP: Anyway I disagree with the challenge Derek, you have another point, 56 seconds, ludo starting now.

DN: Very happy game, played on a square board...


NP: Kenneth Williams you challenged.

KW: Yes before, he said he reminds me of my happy days...

NP: That's right...

KW: ...and now he had happy again.

NP: Repetition of happy. So Kenneth you have a point on this occasion and there are 53 seconds left for ludo starting now.

KW: I first met Mrs Doe in the Isle of Dogs and her Christian name was Louise. She was therefore often referred to as Lou Doe. I became very much attached to her, and so much so that on one occasion...


KW: ...to be unglued...

NP: Andree Melly's challenged.

AM: Very much, so much.

NP: Yes there was a repetition of much, which um I have to agree with...

KW: That's fair enough. I would accept your verdict. You're a very fair man, I know that.

NP: Therefore Andree has a point for that, 34 seconds left for ludo starting now.

AM: This lady kept a fish and chip shop which was very successful...


NP: Kenneth Williams why have you challenged?

KW: Deviation, she don't know her! I know her! It's... I mean, she pinched her off me, it's my character, innit! It's my character, innit, she pinched her!

NP: If it, if it was a fictitious Lou Doe, she's obviously pinched her, in which case she can take Lou Doe anywhere she likes! If yours was a real one, then she can also have her own real one. And therefore she wasn't technically deviating from the subject...

DN: Can we ask if there are any geneaologists in the audience?

NP: Thirty seconds for you to continue with ludo, Andree, starting now.

AM: Many an evening I've sat with Lou, enjoying my one and ninepence of chips and crackle...


NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Hesitation.

NP: I think so, only just! But just there! Derek 25 seconds for ludo starting now.

DN: When the Winbradsky brothers applied for their television licenses, and subsequently became associated...


NP: Clement Freud.

CF: Deviation.

NP: Why?

CF: You can't have multiple applications of television licenses!

NP: But he never said there were multiple app, he said...

CF: Yes!

NP: ...they were brothers but they applied, it must only be one application with the brother's name on it. And so Derek has another point, ludo, 18 seconds left starting now.

DN: You have a little cube, and on it there are six numbers, one, two, three, four, five and the one I mentioned a moment ago. You shake it inside a little pot and throw it down, and see what you have been given by the Gods of chancet...


NP: Kenneth Williams challenged on Gods of chance.

KW: Because the Gods of chance don't, er, there's no such thing, it's a load of rubbish! There's no such thing, the Gods of chance, there's no such thing.

NP: It's a colloquial expression...

KW: No it's not at all! Nobody goes around here saying "look at the Gods of chance!"

NP: All right, let the audience be the final judge. So if you agree with Kenneth's challenge about the Gods of chance, would you cheer, and if you disagree and believe that Derek is right, would you boo and will you all do it together now.


NP: You're on Derek's side, there's no doubt about it, the Gods of chance have won the day, Derek has two... one second left for ludo starting now.

DN: Cat people...


NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Hesitation.

NP: Hesitation, no, Derek has another point, half a second left for ludo starting now.

DN: Oh my goodness me!


NP: At the end of that round Derek Nimmo has a very commanding lead over the others. Clement Freud is in second place and Kenneth Williams and Andree Melly are almost equal in third place. Kenneth your turn to begin. The subject which I think Ian's chosen specially for you, old gentleman, can you talk to us about old gentleman starting now.

KW: (in old voice) Well of course I am one myself. And I have carted about the streets of Bloomsbury and St Pancreas on many moons, and am an habitué...


NP: Derek Nimmo's challenged. Why?

DN: Well I can't understand a word! Could you, I'd be quite happy...

NP: You're obviously not old enough!

DN: Yes!

KW: That's funny coming from you who always does those funny voices every week!

NP: You can't, you can't understand a word, on what basis are you challenging?

DN: Well hesitation.

NP: Oh no no no...

DN: No...

NP: No, he did keep going, in a rather elderly way but he kept going. Kenneth you continue with 42 seconds left, old gentleman starting now.

KW: (old voice) One of the peculiarities of old gentlemen is that the back of the larynx becomes very restricted with the approach of old age. And this very often makes speech a peculiar difficulty. But I still go on plucking up the courage, like I do! And...


NP: Andree Melly's challenged. Why?

AM: Well he's getting red in the face, I think he's going to pass out! So I thought I better give him a breather!

NP: Well old men often do pass out when they get a bit too excited. But that is not a correct deviation from old gentlemen, so 11 seconds Kenneth starting now.

KW: Well let them have...


NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Deviation.

NP: Why?

CF: From that awful voice!

NP: Give Clement Freud a bonus point for a good challenge and leave the subject with Kenneth Williams because he wasn't strictly speaking deviating from old gentlemen, eight seconds left starting now.

KW: (in old voice) The greatest pleasure in the bushes...


NP: Clement Freud's challenged you again.

CF: Deviation from that other voice! Do you think I'm pushing my luck?

NP: Yes you are! Even the audience think you've pushed it too far! Kenneth has another point, five seconds for old gentlemen Kenneth starting now.

KW: Some of them affect spats, and I must say I'm afraid a literal...


NP: Well on this occasion it was Kenneth Williams who was speaking as the whistle went, gains the extra point, he also gained a number of others and he has leapt forward equal in second place with Clement Freud, but they're both trailing four points behind our leader who is still Derek Nimmo. Andree Melly, your turn to begin, elastic. Can you talk to us about elastic for 60 seconds starting now.

AM: This is something which comes in all different shapes and sizes. There's the black thick kind used for garters, and the thin white variety...


NP: Oh Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Hesitation.

NP: Hesitation I agree Derek, and there are 54 seconds left for elastic starting now.

DN: Well if you snap your elastic this often leads to nudism, particularly in elderly gentlemen. And therefore it's something you've got to be terribly careful about. I make sure when I put my nickers on in the morning, they're firmly in place! And I do commend this to you at all. When you...


NP: Kenneth...

DN: ... go out of this building tonight make sure your elastic...

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

DN: Why? Come on! Why! Why! What's wrong! What's wrong with that! Come on, tell me!

KW: You said that you put your nickers on every morning.

DN: I do!

KW: Well I don't believe you!

CF: Yes!

NP: Derek...

CF: I've often seen him without nickers! He is quite right!

DN: If I, if I display my nickers, I would be accused of deviation! So therefore I am not going to be condemned by...

NP: They're so clever the way they wriggle out of it! I think, to be fair to Derek Nimmo, I don't think he wears nickers. Do you think he wears nickers, audience?

DN: Yes of course they do.

NP: Yes they all think he wears nickers!

DN: They all think I'm wearing nickers!

NP: All right, the audience are the final judge, you really think that Derek wears nickers?


NP: So Derek and his nickers get a point and 37 seconds for elastic Derek starting now.

DN: If you want to go and shoot a stone at somebody, you should get some elastic, put it on the end of two pieces of wood with a joint in the middle, pull it back rather hard and let it go straight into the control box up there. And you'll hit old David Hatch and what fun that would be. Another use for elastic is if you are in an aeroplane, and you want to wind down the window in a Dixie moth, then you pull a piece of this material very hard in a circular direction, having wound it round the...


NP: Well Derek Nimmo was speaking when the whistle went, also his elastic and his nickers gained him a lot of extra points and increased his lead at the end of that round. And Derek it's your turn to begin the next round and the subject is sentiment. Can you talk to us about sentiment for 60 seconds starting now.

DN: I do think this is the most wonderful quality for one to have. Kenneth Williams is a man of quite extraordinary qualities. I've seen him go up out into the street on a dark night...


NP: Clement Freud why have you challenged?

CF: I don't want to hear any more!

NP: So why did you challenge?

CF: To save my friend from embarrassment!

KW: I'm not embarrassed! You shut your great mouth! I was loving it! Loving every minute of it! Go on Derek! It's nice!

CF: If he wants, if he wants to go out on a dark night, it's his own business!

NP: Yes but within the rules of the game what was your basis for challenging?

CF: It's nothing to do with sentiment.

KW: Oh, on the contrary...

NP: I think he was showing, he was showing very warm sentiments towards er Derek. Sometimes the way he speaks to him, you wouldn't believe he felt so warmly towards him!

CF: I should give him a point!

NP: He's going to get a point.

CF: Oh good!

NP: So he's won a point...

CF: Let's stop talking about it!

NP: ...for an incorrect challenge and he continues for 23 seconds for sentiment starting now.

DN: My dear old chum is sometimes reduced to tears by the sentiments of Clement Freud that are often vulgar...


NP: Andree Melly challenged.

AM: Deviation, it's sentiment and he said the sentiments which is what he's talking about.

NP: Sentiment and the sentiments, there's a slight difference, four seconds left Andree, sentiment starting now.

AM: This is something that women particularly know about and these men here...


NP: Well I'm afraid we have no more time to play Just A Minute. Again, 30 seconds has gone in a flash. And at the end of that round in spite of that last challenge of Andree's, she crept up a little but she was finally in fourth place. And Kenneth Williams was in third place without any doubt this week. And second place was taken by Clement Freud but he was still behind Derek Nimmo who had an overwhelming number of points, so is this week's winner, Derek Nimmo! We hope you've enjoyed this edition of Just A Minute and from all of us here goodbye.


ANNOUNCER: The chairman of Just A Minute was Nicholas Parsons, the programme was devised by Ian Messiter and produced by Simon Brett.