JAM:KWilliams,DNimmo,CFreud,AMelly
WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE!

starring KENNETH WILLIAMS, DEREK NIMMO, CLEMENT FREUD and ANDREE MELLY, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 18 November 1974)


THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: We present Kenneth Williams, Derek Nimmo, Clement Freud and Andree Melly in Just A Minute. And as the Minute Waltz fades away here to tell you about it is our chairman Nicholas Parsons.

NICHOLAS PARSONS: Thank you, thank you very much indeed, hello and welcome to Just A Minute. And as you've just heard we welcome Andree Melly back to the fourth seat or the guest seat against our three regular competitors of the game. As usual I will ask them to speak if they can for just one minute on some unlikely subject without hesitation, without repetition, and without deviating from the subject on the card in front of me. Let us begin the show this week with Andree Melly. And Andree the subject is Niagara Falls. Would you talk for Just A Minute on that subject starting now.

ANDREE MELLY: Niagara Falls, I believe, is one of the wonders of the world. I haven't actually seen them. But a lot of people go every year, thousands of tourists. On one side is Canada, the other America. And all of this water gushes over hundreds of feet and falls below. And what I have seen is a certain gentleman called Blondin in kind of rather wrinkly woolly tights, photographs of him. Who I believe did cross these falls on a tightrope in eighteen hundred and something or other. He must have been extremely brave and I think he did all sorts of feats while he was up there. Other people have gone in barrels, over there, haven't they?

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo.

DEREK NIMMO: I think she'd like me to speak.

NP: I think you're right.

DN: Hesitation.

NP: She hesitated and you got in first Derek Nimmo, you have a point for a correct challenge, you have 17 seconds in which to talk on Niagara Falls starting now.

DN: I have a very quaint sense of humour, you know. Some of you perhaps might have noticed it. And I have a little pond in my garden, and into my little stream goes down which I call Niagara Falls. It's terribly tight, it's frozen at this time of the year and the goldfish are locked in blocks of ice at the bottom. I feel so sorry for them, I carry a little blowlamp and squirt them...

WHISTLE

NP: Well our whistle as you know tells us that 60 seconds is up and whoever is speaking at that moment gains the extra point. It was of course Derek Nimmo who at the end of that round is the only one to have scored any points. Clement Freud you're yet to speak, would you start the next subject please. Household pests, would you talk on that for Just A Minute if you can starting now.

CLEMENT FREUD: Household pests is what any adenoidal child would call a dog, a cat, a goldfish, a hamster, even a rabbit. And yet more correctly, household pests I suppose would be spiders and earwigs, bugs, rats, mice. And I'm not sure why I am here because we have all of that sort of thing at home and there's no need for me to come out to this studio where they keep the audience waiting and...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KENNETH WILLIAMS: Deviation, he's discussing the audience, it's nothing to do with household pests.

NP: I would agree with that challenge of deviation Kenneth. So you have a point and you have 28 seconds on household pests starting now.

KW: I suppose these are things like your mosquitoes or your bluebottles that come in and settle on your actual luncheon. And the other crawlies that do appear from under the carpet. I understand that these are bugs that go for anything which is woollen material and you best sprinkle your DDT...

BUZZ

NP: Ah...

KW: Oh that's a disgrace! How can you say it's repetition! It's, it's a name, isn't it, DDT. You can't say it's repetition. You couldn't say it without saying it! I mean it's ridiculous!

DN: It's repetition!

KW: Who challenged me?

DN: I did.

NP: Derek Nimmo got in first.

KW: I might have known you would! It's the sort of cheap trick you'd stoop to, isn't it! After listening to all that rubbish about you having Niagara Falls in the garden which was a load of lies! Lies! Frozen over indeed! There wouldn't be anything frozen over with him mate!

NP: Derek had a correct challenge and he was the first to get in with...

KW: What was his correct challenge? Please explain it to me! I'd like to know!

NP: Derek?

DN: Repetition of DD.

KW: You accept that do you, that DD...

NP: I absolutely accept it!

KW: I see! What a rotten chairman, isn't he!

NP: When I go against you, I'm a rotten chairman. When I give a decision for you, I'm the best chairman in the world!

KW: Well that's when I'm out of my mind, isn't it!

NP: Derek you have three seconds on household pests starting now.

DN: Ants in my pants...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams challenged.

KW: Hesitation I'm afraid! He didn't come in!

NP: No! Derek you have two and a half seconds on household pests starting now.

DN: Silver worms are very nasty indeed and crawl into your...

BUZZ

KW: Definitely looking at the house, playing the whole thing to the house instead of to the mikes.

NP: I know, exactly the same as you do Kenneth! Two seconds on household pests Derek ...

DN: (shouting hysterically) Sometimes I find bugs in my sausages and I don't like them at all!

WHISTLE

NP: Ah...

CF: He said it was Kenneth before the whistle went.

NP: ... so with the help of Kenneth Williams's ridiculous challenges...

CF: Very strange chairman!

NP: ... Derek Nimmo has increased his lead at the end of that round.

CF: It's very hard!

NP: Shut up Derek, ah Clement! Derek it's your turn to begin actually, the subject is drink. Can you talk on that for Just A Minute starting now.

DN: As our Lord said, take a little wine for thy stomach's sake. What very sound advice. And I've gone with, through my whole life...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams.

KW: Ah hesitation, with through. I've gone with through, I...

NP: All right I heard it! Kenneth you have 52 seconds on drink starting now.

KW: Well I don't really know much about drink. I have the odd, the odd glass of champagne...

BUZZ

NP: Andree Melly.

AM: Repetition of two odds there immediately.

NP: Yes I'm afraid so.

AM: Mmmm.

NP: Andree we hear from you now with 47 seconds on drink starting now.

AM: I like drink and sometimes I have one on my own in the evening when I've got the children to bed. To sit down with that great glass and ice clunking away. You might think I am an alcoholic, not at all. Two is perhaps my maximum. And I'm very cheap if you take me to a pub because I like beer. Well I mean...

BUZZ

NP: Ah Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: Deviation, ah hesitation.

NP: Yes hesitation Kenneth, and you have a point for that and 27 seconds on drink starting now.

KW: Well I think port and lemon is very refreshing especially if you've got your...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Hesitation.

NP: Twenty seconds on drink Clement starting now.

BUZZ

CF: Yes.

NP: Andree Melly challenged.

AM: He didn't start.

NP: He didn't start, no. Andree you have the subject, you have 19 seconds on drink starting now.

BUZZ

NP: Um Derek you challenged.

DN: She hasn't started.

NP: No all right. Eighteen seconds on drink Derek starting now.

DN: Lacremer Christi, the tears of Christ, grown on the mountain of Vesuvius or the foothills thereof. How delicious, the kind of volcanic flavour. And then from... the...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Hesitation.

NP: I would agree, I don't know what he's talking about. Drink a... it was hesitation. Clement you have five seconds on drink starting now.

CF: I recently bought a home winemaking kit and was therefore able to produce claret...

WHISTLE

NP: Well the subject of drink got them all some points. And Kenneth your turn to begin, the subject, a very good one for you, which I hope you will take to heart, keeping control. Can you talk about keeping control Kenneth for Just A Minute starting now.

KW: I achieved this very successfully in the far east where I was a sergeant of engineers. I would frequently line up the platoon and say "come on lads, let's be of good heart and clean out this naffy efficiently". And they always replied "why don't you drop dead?" And I found the only way you could possibly achieve the sort of disciplinary atmosphere that was absolutely essential to production of a fighting unit is to use your volume. (shouts unintelligibly) And then they all fit in, there was renewed respect. The eye sparkles as the commander took note of this authoritative voice. You will notice I changed the expression there very cleverly...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Repetition of cocoa.

NP: I'll just explain, they ah, I think, I think what his tactics were, that he knew the time was almost up, and there wasn't anything that he could think of, so he just said cocoa. I disagree with cocoa and Kenneth you keep the subject...

DN: Are you...

KW: Six seconds, keeping control starting now.

KW: I was posted to Hong Kong where the officer commanding said you are one of the most outstanding NCOs in this area...

WHISTLE

NP: Well Kenneth Williams started with the subject, he finished with the subject, he got an extra point for doing so, we learned a lot about his army life, and all those people telling him to drop dead as a sergeant. Andree will you begin the next round, the subject is sales. Will you talk on them for Just A Minute starting now.

AM: Sales are something I try to avoid because I never seem to get bargains. Last year I went for a winter coat and came out with a silver larmey cat suit that I didn't really need at all. Living on a farm in the middle of Sussex amongst cornfields, I don't quite know when I'm going to wear it. Pillow cases, they're all right, sheets, but I never know what the price ought to be, so I can't tell whether they're less than they were when you first ah...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams.

KW: I thought hesitation.

NP: And I think you were right and you have 25 seconds on sales starting now.

KW: I have unfortunately been mixed up in these affairs and been shoved from pillar to post. And I had to go back and complain to the manager. I said I've got bruises I could show you in places that would require a certain degree of privacy...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo's challenged.

DN: Hesitation.

NP: No! No no, it was very quiet, but he was still being very private. And um there are 14 seconds to continue on sales Kenneth starting now.

KW: "Come round the back and let's have a look, so I can rub on the witch hazel." And I said yes but...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Deviation, he's gone a long way away from sales.

NP: Well I thought he was still at the sale having the witch hazel rubbed on round the back. Is that not right? Oh he doesn't...

KW: Yes I'm sorry, I didn't realise you were referring to me Nicholas.

NP: Yes. You don't often speak to me like that Kenneth. Was it the thought of all that witch hazel or something?

KW: Yes I just thought I'd lost the subject and I'd given up.

NP: Be perfectly honest, were you at the sale having the witch hazel rubbed on?

KW: Oh that was the flight of imaginary fancy of course.

NP: Then you were deviating?

KW: Why?

NP: Because you'd got away from sales. What has witch hazel having around the back...

KW: If I got bashed at a sale, it's perfectly reasonable to have a bit of witch hazel rubbed on a bruise, isn't it?

NP: I suppose so, yes, keep the subject.

KW: Thank you.

NP: Six seconds starting now.

KW: Lashed before the missen mast, my sails were set in the wrong direction, and I had to...

WHISTLE

NP: Kenneth you will be delighted to know that at the end of that round you have taken the lead.

KW: Oh thank goodness! At least I am getting a reward.

NP: Clement your turn to begin, the subject, lampposts. Would you talk about them for Just A Minute if you can starting now.

CF: Lampposts are something that concern me a great deal, because I have a dog who needs them desperately, especially on cold winter mornings when we take him for a walk, and the poor old chap runs from one lamppost to another lamppost, looking only for a third lamppost, before he gets the fourth in his sights as it were. And I don't mean the word figuratively, but much more metaphorically, or literally, quietly, gently, and in many parts wholly distributively...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams challenged.

KW: Well it was rambling to a halt. Hesitation.

NP: Yes.

CF: Thank you.

NP: The subject wasn't adjectives. Kenneth, a hesitation, and you have 25 seconds on lampposts starting now.

KW: The Victorian Society have done much for London in preserving the loveliest examples of these which are to be found perhaps not only on the Victoria and Albert embankment but on the Constitution Hill. A route not very favourable with pedestrians but a lovely yellow kind of black...

WHISTLE

NP: Well lampposts kept Kenneth Williams going till the whistle went, he gained the extra point, he's increased his lead. Derek your turn to begin again, the subject, mannerisms. Can you talk on those for Just A Minute starting now.

DN: Well people have all kinds of different mannerisms. I suppose one would often think of artists in a sort of mannerist style perhaps, very attractive I find, curiously other people don't. But when one looks at old Parsons there, I'm just playing for time as you might have noticed, I then see a man who is filled with mannerisms. He's got a nasty skulking kind of look about him, he's furtive and always hiding behind old raincoats and in shabby corners of a freezing city.

LAUGHTER FROM KW AND THE AUDIENCE

DN: Kenny laughs all the time. Old Freud crunches into his beard and that does amuse me. But Andree Melly for instance, now she has a very curious mannerism. Have you noticed the way she keeps taking her left finger and scratching her right nostril? Now that is something she...

BUZZ

NP: Andree Melly has challenged.

AM: Deviation.

NP: Yes.

AM: It's something I've never done.

DN: No that's why you don't notice it, it's a mannerism, you see, you don't notice it if it's a mannerism.

NP: There are 13 seconds on mannerisms with you Andree starting now.

AM: Mannerisms are endearing or annoying, depending on whether you are devoted to the person concerned or not. And if you want to be...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth.

KW: (in increasingly unintelligible high English upper-class accent) That's not true at all. Because you can have the most terrible mannerisms and people will get along with you, despite it, they don't care about the terrible mannerism at all...

NP: Kenneth! Right Kenneth what was your point, what was your challenge?

KW: Well it was all so boring, I've forgotten it.

NP: Actually I think the point you were making is that you don't like a person for their mannerisms, you like then irrespective...

KW: That's exactly what I meant Nicholas yes.

NP: And so you have five seconds to continue on the subject of mannerisms starting now.

KW: Mine are very peculiar and people have said to me, perhaps your style formed by your mannerisms...

WHISTLE

NP: Kenneth was again speaking as the whistle went, and he has again increased his lead at the end of the round. And Kenneth we're back with you, the subject, Eujanius The Fourth. That is the historical subject that Ian Messiter has thought of because he knows your penchant for such subjects, would you talk on it for 60 seconds starting now.

KW: Well of course you see, the great victory he achieved was at the Council for Ardour where he got the Paleologos Emperor of Constantinople, John The Second, to sign a declaration of unity with Latin and Eastern churches. Unfortunately they chucked him out of Rome because this council was sitting by...

BUZZ

KW: I realised I've said that word twice which is absolutely essential...

NP: Andree Melly has challenged.

AM: Repetition.

KW: ... if anyone wants to know anything about this.

NP: Ah Andree what was your challenge?

AM: Repetition of council.

NP: Yes I agree, 35 seconds on ah Eujanius The Fourth starting now.

AM: It's extremely difficult to talk for 35 seconds about this gentleman but I will try, as slowly as Kenneth Williams does on occasionally. He was a Pope who got the push because he published a lot of bull of the papal variety...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Hesitation.

NP: Yes and I would agree, for the reasons why perhaps she hesitated.

AM: Yes.

NP: There are 17 seconds for you Clement on Eujanius The Fourth starting now.

CF: In my final year at school, when I was reading history, geography, Latin, my master once said to me, you genius the fourth. The third genius i had was a chap called Watkinson Minor. But Freud CR, of all the pupils...

WHISTLE

NP: Andree your turn to begin, the subject, my bikini. Would you talk about that for Just A Minute starting now.

AM: My bikini has seen better days. It's about three years old and either it or I seem to have changed shape. So I feel that the time has come to discard it and have one of the one-piece variety. I did get one that was crocheted in Spain, looked very pretty. But when I went in the sea, it all ballooned out and became enormous and the laff bottom part fell off...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo's challenged.

DN: Deviation, the subject is my bikini, not my bikinis.

NP: Oh that's, no, no, she can talk about my bikini meaning the one she...

AM: Had before that one.

NP: ... has or had, no, no, I think that's too, too subtle for words. Andree you keep the subject, 36 seconds on my bikini starting now.

AM: There must have been something in Spanish in very small print on the label which I couldn't read saying a beautiful bikini but never put it in the water. Which does seem to me to rather go against the whole point of these particular garments. Lots of gorgeous girls just float about in them on the beach and the smaller they are the more popular they appear. Black...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud.

CF: Deviation.

NP: Why?

CF: About small girls.

DN: Deviation, the larger they are the more popular they are.

CF: Yes absolutely.

NP: Clement you have the subject, there are 13 seconds on my bikini for you starting now.

CF: When I bought my bikini, I had no idea of the trouble I would have with the Spanish police when I wore it on the beach of Torremelinos. I went down one sunny morning, impervious to the worries of mankind, when this gendarme came along and said you have been speaking for well over a minute. Why can't you or your people blow a whistle and put an end to this...

WHISTLE

NP: I must explain to our listeners, I felt the audience should know a bit more about Clement Freud's bikini so I stopped Ian Messiter putting his whistle in his mouth. That's why he went on so long and that's why you heard uproar in the house. Clement yes you got a point for speaking when the whistle went. You've now moved into second place and Kenneth's still in the lead. And Clement your turn to begin, the subject, odd people. Will you talk about some of those for Just A Minute starting now.

CF: I suppose if you were to ask me to speak on odd people, there is no-one I would sooner bring to your attention than the chairman of this programme, who gets joy out of stopping the idiot who invented it from blowing his whistle after 75 seconds, where by all rules and conditions of this match, that should have been done and the minute should have been declared well and truly over. But odd people there are, why they should come on to this game is absolutely beyond me, he sits with a dirty mackintosh, having...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Deviation, I've never seen you in a dirty mackintosh.

NP: How devious can you be? He was the one who accused me of having a dirty mackintosh. All right you have the subject, 20 seconds, odd people starting now.

DN: John Thistlewaite Chewing Gum is a very odd fellow. I met him in the...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: Deviation, there's nobody called Chewing Gum!

DN: The subject is odd people.

KW: Yeah but I don't believe that anybody is so odd as to go around and be called Mister Chewing Gum!

NP: Now I think that's one of those impossible decisions to make so I will...

KW: It's not impossible at all, you great nit! Have you ever, have you ever come across somebody called Mister Chewing Gum? Of course you haven't and neither has anybody else here!

NP: No, but Derek's made a point about odd people. I'm going to put it to you to judge. If you think there is such an odd person as Mr Thingamajig or Chewing Gum, then you cheer for Derek Nimmo. And if you disagree boo for Kenneth Williams and you all do it together now.

CHEERS AND BOOS FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: The Chewing Gum has it! Derek you keep the subject, 13 seconds, odd people starting now.

DN: I once went to Yugoslavia, I had a very fine time there. I met a shepherd, he took me into the hills, he was a very odd man. He said would you like to come and look at my sheep, and i did, and do you know, it was white and had big fur, all hanging down to the ground. And he got these scissors out and he cut it off...

BUZZ

DN: What?

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: No sheep has fur!

NP: I agree, wool. One second on odd people starting now.

KW: There aren't any even ones so...

WHISTLE

NP: Kenneth again speaking when the whistle went, has again got that extra point and he's got a very strong lead. And Derek Nimmo your turn to begin, the subject, humbugs. Can you talk about those for Just A Minute starting now.

DN: Oh Nicholas Parsons is a great big humbug. All the yellow and black stripes all over him, of course he is. But you can have them out of little paper bags. And I remember when I was very small going to a little sweet shop and asking the man behind the counter, "please Mister Jones, could I have a penny packet of humbugs?" And he sold them to me. And gosh, do you know, I used to shove them up into the back of my mouth and it's very good to hide them in the classroom isn't it, if you hide them under your tongue sometimes. It's very difficult...

BUZZ

NP: Andree Melly.

AM: Repetition of two shoves and all that.

NP: Yes so Andree spotted it, she has 37 seconds to talk on humbugs starting now.

AM: The kind I like are those that come in a tin and you feel you're going to get them at the chemists. I'm not quite sure if you do or not. Four or five are stuck together and if you've got a very large mouth you can put them all in at once. Frightfully bad they are for your teeth, but oh they're irresistible, much better than dolly mixtures or toffees, any kind of confection you can mention. Give ne humbugs by the mountain-full and the buckets...

WHISTLE

NP: Well Andree Melly speaking when the whistle went gained that extra point. I'm afraid we have no more time to play Just A Minute week. A very interesting result. We have three equal in second place. Derek Nimmo, Andree Melly and Clement Freud are all equal. But they are a full 10 points behind this week's winner, Kenneth Williams! I do hope you've enjoyed this edition of Just A Minute, from all of us here, good-bye!

THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: The chairman of Just A Minute was Nicholas Parsons, the programme was devised by Ian Messiter and produced by Simon Brett.