ANNOUNCER: We present Kenneth Williams, Clement Freud, Peter Jones and Andree Melly in Just A Minute. And as the Minute Waltz fades away here to tell you about it is our chairman Nicholas Parsons.

NICHOLAS PARSONS: Thank you, thank you very much indeed, hello and welcome to Just A Minute. Well once again we have four experienced players of the game. And I'm going to ask them to speak if they can for just one minute on some unlikely subject without of course hesitation, repetition or deviating from the subject which is written on the card in front of me. And again according to how well they do it, they will gain points or their opponents will. And let us begin the show this week with Kenneth Williams. Kenneth, always a good one to start any show. But can you start this week on relativity for 60 seconds starting now.

KENNETH WILLIAMS: It just so happens that this is a favourite subject of mine. I think it would be true to say that we associate the name Einstein invariably with the word relativity. Because it was his theory which out-Newtoned, so to speak, the previously held ideas of this subject. You see he...


NP: Peter Jones has challenged you.

PETER JONES: Repetition of subject.

NP: I agree with your challenge of repetition Peter. You therefore gain a point, you take over the subject, there are 33 and one half seconds left, relativity starting now.

PJ: Well I'm not going to challenge anything that Kenneth Williams has said about Einstein or relativity. I think he put it extremely well. It was unfortunate that he did repeat this one word, but apart from that I think he got the facts more or less right. Now this was perhaps the biggest contribution that anyone has made to scientific thought in this century. Now th atomic bomb and the hydrogen same-thing was also ah...


NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: Deviation, neither of these subjects is to do with the theory of relativity. The atom bomb and the hydrogen bomb! What's he on about? He's discussing nuclear fission, nothing to do with it.

NP: Yes but the problem is...

KW: There's no but the problem is!

NP: There is a problem!

KW: I should have it back! He pinched it off me and I hadn't even got down to discussing it!

NP: He just said he thought you did it brilliantly!

KW: Yeah well I hadn't!

PJ: He can't accept a compliment!

KW: It goes in one ear with him and out the other! Yes! I know!

NP: I think, I think you have a very good challenge and the fact that he's now gone on to nuclear fission and so forth.

KW: Yes! That's right Nicholas!

NP: But at the same time, who is to say...

KW: Who indeed? Except you! Oh! Who better than you to say, love? You're a fine chairman! You know your onions! Oh! Oh yes! There's no flies on him!

NP: Well all right, I think this audience, this audience has just freshly arrived, I'm sure that they're all keen to hear you go a little longer on relativity...

PJ: They may not be clued up on relativity.

KW: That's what I'm anxious to do!

PJ: Exactly! Well I'd like you to carry on.

KW: Thank you!

PJ: I'm quite happy!

NP: Well that's very kind. You've helped me out of a difficult problem Peter, you've been very generous, very sporting, very gentlemanly because it's a debatable decision. But I give the benefit of the doubt to Kenneth, a point and three seconds starting now.

KW: Well the Einstein theory discards the...


NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CLEMENT FREUD: Repetition of Einstein.

KW: Oh dear oh dear!

NP: Clement Freud you get the point and the subject and there's one second left starting now.

CF: Einstein!


NP: You may just have heard the whistle being blown by Ian Messiter. It does tell us that 60 seconds is up. Whoever speaks when the whistle is blown gains an extra point. On this occasion it was Clement Freud who has a lead at the end of that round. Peter Jones will you start the next round, the subject is being thorough. Would you talk on that now for just one minute starting now.

PJ: This is something that you really can't be too particular about. You must get all the information you can, make a study of the subject, whatever it is, it doesn't matter. Go to a library, borrow books if you can, get postal courses, find out from friends whether they know anything about it. And then when you have acquired as much knowledge as you possibly can...


NP: Andree Melly has challenged.

ANDREE MELLY: I think there were two knowledges.

PJ: No there weren't! No, no!

NP: No I don't think there were...

CF: Several acquireds but not two knowledges.

NP: It's too late for the acquireds now, but the knowledge was there. You had this impression of great knowledge being acquired...

AM: Yes.

NP: ... so you thought he repeated it. He didn't, I disagree with the challenge Andree and there are 38 seconds on being thorough starting now.

PJ: And then get all the ingredients around you in the room, clean it up, and really sit down with the books that you have er...


NP: Peter, Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Repetition of books.

NP: Yes I'm afraid you did have a book before, and so, you had books before. Being thorough is now with you Clement and there are 29 seconds left starting now.

CF: What I like to be really thorough about is my boots. I put them on every morning after taking them off each night, and I lace up each shoe, both the left...


NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Well, boots and shoes, he can't have er...

NP: Yes if he puts his boots on how can he lace up his shoes?

PJ: Yes, well, he might, but it would be very eccentric!

NP: And very devious! I agree with your challenge Peter, you have 15 seconds on being thorough starting now.

PJ: I on the other hand place my footwear at the bottom of the stairs and beside them I put...


NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Hesitation.

NP: Yes, only just. It was a tough one but I think it was just enough to be ah ah hesitation and there are seven and a half seconds on being thorough with you Clement starting now.

CF: Pants, vest, shirt, tie...


NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: This is an inventory of clothing, it's nothing to do, it's nothing to do with the subject...

NP: It might be an inventory of clothing but it might...

KW: The subject is being thorough, dear! It's...

NP: Well we don't know! He's only been going for two or three seconds so we don't know.

PJ: He's only got five more seconds to go, he hasn't time to prove that he's talking about...

KW: Precisely! Exactly! Very good point Peter! Yes!

NP: But Peter wasn't challenging, you were!

PJ: Yes, but I was just er seconding his challenge.

NP: Yes, do you want to third it Andree?

AM: Yes yes.

NP: It doesn't make any difference, I disagree with it!

PJ: Oh!

NP: There are four and a half seconds with you Clement on being thorough starting now.

CF: Read your books...


NP: Andree Melly challenged.

AM: Hesitation.


NP: Three and a half seconds... no! Three and a half seconds on being thorough with you Clement starting now.

CF: Digest your homework to the utmost...


NP: They're all trying the Clement Freud trick of getting in just before the whistle. On that occasion it wasn't successful Andree. Clement Freud increased his lead to have a commanding one at the end of that round. But Andree we're now going to hear from you because it's your turn to begin. The subject is fillings. Would you talk on fillings for just 60 seconds starting now.

AM: His eyes were full of delight, and his face was close to mine. My mouth was open at the time, and he breathed "you've got the most beautiful gold inlay I have ever seen". And he was absolutely right, because I may have pearly gates in the front, but at the back it's a kind of Aladdin's cave. It's the expensive kind because I once got caught with a...


NP: Clement Freud has challenged, why?

CF: Two kinds.

NP: Yes alas, so Clement you have the subject...

CF: I think it's a mistake to have women on this show! I think...

NP: And the women think it's a mistake to have you on the show! There are 36 seconds with you Clement on fillings starting now.

CF: If you get two pieces of cake, then what you find between them is often known as a filling whether it be butter or cream. If it contains nuts or pistachios, almonds or cherries, fruit of any kind whatsoever, sometimes refreshed with licquer, at other times moistened with wine...


NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: Well I was going to say times, but of course the first was sometimes so I'm absolutely ruined! (laughs) It's one word isn't it, sometimes.

NP: As you've said before...

KW: Yes! What a shame! Sorry Clement! I do apologise! Will you accept that apology?

NP: Why do you have to apologise? He gets a point for a wrong challenge.

CF: Yes I will accept it!

NP: He's accepted the apology and he's got the subject, there are 15 seconds left, fillings starting now.

CF: If you grasp a chicken in your left hand and force some bread crumbs into the middle of it...


NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: That's complete deviation! The subject is fillings, not getting hold of chickens and ...

NP: If you've got a chicken with your left hand...

KW: ... and forcing something into the poor thing!

NP: If you've got a chicken in your left hand and forced something into its inside, you'd certainly be filling it, wouldn't you? I don't think really to be quite fair that he was deviating from the subject on the card, fillings.

PJ: But he did repeat about putting it in the middle of the chicken because he talked about...

NP: But that wasn't Kenneth's challenge unfortunately!

PJ: No, but it is mine!

NP: It's a bit late now because Kenneth got in first and I have to be accurate.

PJ: Oh I see.

NP: What a pity!

PJ: I've no idea! I never had any impression that you were accurate!


NP: I will find an opportunity to get back at you on that one Peter! There are eight seconds left with you now Clement on fillings starting now.

CF: This is especially true in the case of dead, late lamented or deceased birds because were they live...


NP: With all those horrible thoughts that Clement aroused in our minds with his fillings took him further into the lead at the end of that round. Kenneth Williams will you begin the next round. The subject Laxor or Luxor as some people say. Would you talk on it for 60 seconds starting now.

KW: Well I don't know why they gave it to me. I suppose it's the one on the Nile they're referring to, in Egypt. It used to be called Thebes in the ancient days. And there of course Armin Hoteck built the great temple to Armun. And many of the later rulers of Egypt put the...


NP: Clement Freud has challenged, why?

CF: Repetition of Egypt.

NP: I'm afraid so, you had Egypt more than once. Yes, Ian Messiter gives you these lovely historical subjects but alas you often repeat the salient words in them. Clement a correct challenge, 36 seconds on Luxor starting now.

CF: I was very privileged to have been invited by the Egyptian Tourist Office to visit Luxor last Christmas. And I enjoyed it enormously although the temperature was inclement, or to put it another way, in the high 90s. One of the most beautiful trips you can take is from Cairo down the river Nile to Luxor in a boat which...


NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: I thought it was up the Nile.

NP: I suppose it's the way you think! Yes because you're going up to the...

CF: No you're going down to the...

NP: You're going down on the map...

CF: That's right.

NP: ...but you're going up um, up the river.

CF: I was going down the map!

PJ: You're not on the map, you're on the river!

NP: You're going up the river!

PJ: You're on the river!

NP: You're going up to Scotland or down to Scotland.

PJ: And not even the Egyptian Tourist Office can get you against the stream, you know.

NP: If you're going from Cairo, you must be going upstream, therefore you must be going up the river and not... If you look at it on the map, you'd appear to be going down. But I agree with Peter's challenge, you're actually going up because you're going upstream. Luxor is now with you Peter and there are seven seconds left starting now.

PJ: Luxor is one of the many cities that the Egyptian Tourist Board has never invited me to. And I don't expect they probably ever will...


NP: Peter Jones was then speaking when the whistle went and he has gained that point for doing so. And he is now very definitely in second place, Clement Freud's in a commanding lead. Andree Melly and Kenneth Williams are hardly in it at the present moment. Peter will you begin the next round and the subject, what I do in a crowded train. He's thinking of what he does ina crowded train, I've given him time for thought and you now talk on the subject for 60 seconds starting now.

PJ: What I do in a crowded train is not very much because of course it's terribly dangerous. When I find myself on a tube which is crowded at a rush hour, and I'm standing, holding on to the strap, and I find that my nose is a few inches away from the nasal organ of someone else, and they happen to reveal that they watched me on television the night before and didn't enjoy it, I do find it acutely embarrassing. And I have to read all the advertisements about blackcurrant pastilles and curious office jobs that are always being advertised on these conveyances. Now when one's hands are occupied with the strap, one has to... um...


NP: Ohhhhh we were enjoying it! Andree Melly you challenged.

AM: Um hesitation.

NP: Yes.

PJ: Yes I'm sorry, yes I did after...

AM: I feel mean!

NP: Peter I have to agree with Andree's challenge, there are 12 seconds with you Andree on what I do on a crowded train starting now.

AM: What i do in a crowded train is something that Peter Jones, Kenneth Williams and Clement Freud couldn't possibly manage. I look pregnant! And then...


NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: I frequently look pregnant!


PJ: I've tried, I tried slimming biscuits but there's no question about it, I do have this enormous swelling! And I do have dizzy spells early in the morning, particularly when I get up terribly quickly!

NP: What a difficult decision for me to make! Because while we all know it is impossible for Peter to be pregnant, who cannot say...

PJ: Yes that I'll grant you that!

NP: It is possible for him to say perhaps that he looks pregnant. In fact sometimes people do say, jocularly you know, you don't half look pregnant.

PJ: They do, they do, yes. And they're not being all that jocular very often!

NP: All right, Peter I think we will give you that challenge because it's a very good challenge. And you've got in magnificently with only two seconds to go, what I do in a crowded train starting now.

PJ: It gives a new meaning to that phrase...


NP: So Peter Jones was then speaking when the whistle went. Andree Melly got a point in that round, she's now got one in this game and Kenneth Williams has got one point. Clement Freud would you begin the next round, the subject, the family economy size. There's a nice subject to talk on and will you go on it for 60 seconds starting now.

CF: The family economy size is a name given to a large packet in which what you spill you don't pay for. It's really just...


NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: Deviation, in which what you spill you can't pay for? I mean this makes no sense whatsoever! In which what you spill you can't pay for! I have never heard...

NP: Kenneth...

KW: (laughs) A large packet in which what you spill... (laughs) I mean!

NP: if you say it like that, in which what you spill, it does sound very devious.

KW: Of course it is! Devious! Grammatically devious I'm afraid! So therefore the subject goes to me! How many seconds left? How many seconds left? Pull yourself together! How many seconds?

NP: I think that he, he, in keeping going under pressure, it's difficult sometimes with grammar. I'll tell you what...

KW: I wasn't pressing him! He had no pressure on him at all!

NP: I know. You were very generous to him a little while ago. i think he will be generous to you now because he has a commanding lead and you've only one little point there. So we'll let you have the benefit of the doubt there and the subject, the family economy size Kenneth, 50 seconds left starting now.

KW: The family economy size should be just two children. The other...


NP: Ah Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: I'd like him to have another little point!


KW: Yes! Oh lovely! Thanks! No strain, no strain whatsoever!

NP: I think you're going to give him a family economy sized point! You have 46 seconds on the family economy size Kenneth starting now.

KW: You hear a lot today about the family explosion and there is a great deal of apprehension that sooner or later there won't be a cupboard in which you can stuff any of your progeny. Or your proclivities depending on your inclinations in that direction. Now if you've got a gomphosis then you're really in the...


NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Repetition of gomphosis!


PJ: He did say it earlier on, didn't he?

KW: I have not said gomphosis...

NP: Kenneth regularly says gomphosis!

PJ: I thought he'd said it earlier, I could have sworn...

KW: I have not mentioned it on this show. This audience have never heard gomphosis before, have you?


NP: No, nobody's heard gomphosis before!

PJ: No, it was a mistake on my part! I misheard it, clearly! Sounded very like it!

NP: So Clement, Kenneth gets another point for a wrong challenge, 14 and a half seconds, the family economy size starting now.

KW: And the chair occupied by the head of the family, traditionally known as the carver...


NP: Ah...

KW: ...because of its arms...

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Repetition of family.

NP: Yes we've had...

KW: It's on the title, you great nit! You're allowed to quote the title, aren't you, you great fool! Pull yourself together! He's gone funny, innee?

PJ: The title is Just A Minute!

KW: No, no! (laughs)


NP: The subject is the family economy size which you can repeat.

KW: There you are! You fool!

NP: But wait a minute, you fool...

PJ: Not fragmentarily!

KW: Eh?

PJ: You can't fragment it! Can you?

NP: Well you, he has used the word family outside the context of the subject on the card.

PJ: Quite! Quite! Quite!

NP: And now he has repeated family...

PJ: I know he has! So I'm awarded the point!

NP: Yes all right, I agree with you. So you have a point for a correct challenge Peter and you have 11 seconds, the family economy size starting now.

PJ: I've taught my children mathematics by taking out the contents from these large packets and weighing them and working out how much it costs. And you often find that they're much more expensive than the smaller packets...


NP: The fun that Peter Jones must have at home! But Andree we're now going to hear from you because it's your turn to begin. The subject is secrets. Sixty seconds on that Andree starting now.

AM: Secrets are really very frustrating things. The whole point about them is you're supposed to keep them. And the great fun is to go right away and tell them to somebody else. For children, secrets are very dramatic. I remember having hot sticky faces pressed up against my ear, my hair pulled back, and the whispery voice going (makes panting noise) and telling you that Patsy Wilde hasn't got her knickers on and don't you ever never go and tell her. No, you say, and cross your heart. And off you go right away to that knickerless infant and tell her what you've been told. Now...


NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Repetition of tells.

NP: Yes she tells, that right, and then she tells again. Peter you listened well and you got in with a good challenge and there are 20 seconds on secrets starting now.

PJ: Well I'm not going to reveal mine until I can't get any other kind of work. And then I'm going to write a book about all the people that I'e met in this business. And shall probably reveal the secrets of Kenneth Williams and what we did behind...


NP: Andree Melly has challenged.

AM: There was a very kindly hesitation, a pause.

PJ: Well that was just a tactful pause! I mean...

NP: Because he thought he might have to reveal it! So he paused! But you're not allowed to pause in this game Peter so Andree has another point and there are three seconds on secrets Andree starting now.

AM: Grown-ups like to have them too. They go outside saying...


NP: Andree was then speaking when the whistle went and she has moved forward at the end of that round but she's still in fourth place. Kenneth's in third place, Peter's in a very good second place but Clement Freud is still in the lead. And Kenneth will you begin the next round. What a lovely subject that Ian Messiter's thought of for you, high spirits. Oh high spirits Kenneth, will you talk on that for 60 seconds starting now.

KW: Well I suppose this could refer to having a drop of something or other on top of Everest. Or it could mean being extremely joyous and full of infectious joie de vivre and bon h'omie or what you will. Will o' the wisp sometimes has been referred to as the kind of thing. Of course there is a spiritualistic attitude I believe, whereby they manifest these things, ectoplasmic and all stuff goes all over the stinking place so it feels like somebody's brought their haddock for breakfast, you know, into the room with them. And the smell, it can be atrocious. I was at one once and it was absolutely revolting. This woman said she had a message from the afterworld, you see, and she kept saying "you will cross water"! Well I thought that could mean anything. I'm standing over a puddle, couldn't I! I mean it's ludicrous. All this saying "your lucky sandwich filling is salmon and shrimp! Oh, your lucky stone is gauze..."


KW: I thought well that could mean any...

NP: Clement Freud has challenged you.

CF: Repetition of lucky.

NP: Yes this woman talked about too many lucky things. Your lucky puddle and your lucky sandwich spreading and all that. Clement Freud you got in very cleverly just before the whistle. There are only two and a half seconds left, high spirits starting now.

CF: Whiskey, gin, rum, brandy...


NP: I'm afraid we have no more time to play Just A Minute.

CF: Oh good!

NP: We do hope you enjoyed it because we have. Have you enjoyed it in the audience?


NP: Good! I would like just, if you would just keep very quiet, because I would like to ask our listeners if they enjoyed it. Did you enjoy it listeners?


NP: Thank you for answering back down your telephones listeners! You could hear them all shouting at their wirelesses and you took up the call! Ladies and gentlemen I now must give you the final score. (laughs) One of the funniest things that's ever happened, asking the listeners and you all in the audience shout! Andree Melly, after winning magnificently the last time you were with us, you finished up with three points. We love to have you here, you do jolly well. But you didn't do quite so well this week. Kenneth did quite well but all those Luxors and things you know. Peter Jones you did very well, you did very well indeed, you got 10 points. You did jolly well. But nobody, no, no, it wasn't worth a clap! But Clement Freud is once again the winner, Clement Freud! Ladies and gentlemen we do hope you've enjoyed this edition of Just A Minute, from all of us here, good-bye!


ANNOUNCER: The chairman of Just A Minute, the programme was devised by Ian Messiter and produced by Simon Brett.