WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE!
starring KENNETH WILLIAMS, CLEMENT FREUD, PETER JONES and ANDREE MELLY, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 31 October 1972)
ANNOUNCER: We present Kenneth Williams, Clement Freud, Peter Jones and Andree Melly in Just A Minute. And as the Minute Waltz fades away here to tell you about it is our chairman Nicholas Parsons.
NICHOLAS PARSONS: Thank you, thank you very much indeed, hello and welcome to Just A Minute. And once again we're delighted to welcome back to the fourth seat Andree Melly, to pit her wits against our three regular male competitors in Just A Minute. And once again I'm going to ask them to speak if they can for just one minute on some unlikely subject without hesitation, without repetition and of course without deviating from the subject on the card in front of me. And we're going to begin the show this week with Peter Jones. Peter would you talk about the multitude. The multitude for 60 seconds starting now.
PETER JONES: Well that has a kind of Biblical ring about it. Reminds me of the meal of loaves and fishes. But nowadays it really refers to the great mass of people who decide what kind of entertainment is going to be provided on television, for instance. One third of them usually answer the Gallup pollster "yes", and the other section of an equal size say "no". And the last and final er cross...
NP: Oh! Andree Melly challenged.
ANDREE MELLY: Hesitation.
NP: Yes he couldn't quite divide the sections and portions and departments up. But well tried Peter, you did keep going for 32 seconds without being interrupted. I agree with Andree's challenge of hesitation so she gets a point, she takes over the subject, 28 seconds on the multitude starting now.
AM: I think that one could use this word not only in the context of people, but perhaps insects, locusts for instance. One might refer to a great amount of these... oh!
NP: Peter Jones has challenged.
NP: Yes I agree, more of a dry-up than a hesitation. There are 13 seconds now on the multitude with you Peter starting now.
PJ: This other group of people usually say they don't know. But I would like to make this appeal to them, all these individuals who one masses together in this...
NP: Well whoever is speaking when the whistle goes, and as you know, the whistle tells us that 60 seconds are up, gains an extra point. On this occasion it was Peter Jones who started with the subject. And therefore he has a commanding lead at the end of the first round. In fact Clement Freud and Kenneth Williams have hardly to speak yet. Andree Melly will you begin this one, the present I most like to receive. Would you talk on that subject for 60 seconds starting now.
AM: The present I most like to receive is one that I give to myself. Then I know it's going to be something I really want, and I don't have to get my face ready with that expression of rapturous delight when somebody else gives you a gift and you have that sinking feeling you're going to hate it. I am lucky enough to have several things which I bestow upon me, because for example, my mother...
NP: Clement Freud has challenged.
CLEMENT FREUD: It's deviation of grammar. You bestow it upon yourself, not on you.
NP: Yes I think as we do play this game fairly toughly, that um it's probably a legitimate challenge. And you have a point Clement and the subject, 34 and a half seconds on the present I most like to receive starting now.
CF: The present I most like to receive is wine. And I don't care at all whether this beverage comes from Austria or Germany, Yugoslavia, Romania, nay even California. France produces this stuff in Burgundy as well as in Bordeaux. And I think that of the latter province known as claret in this country, I like more than other. In fact if anybody asks me what the present I would most like to receive is it is not sack, definitely not beer, not even tripe...
NP: He was challenged on the buzzer, but he just got in in time. I think it was Andree's challenge, what was it going to be Andree?
AM: There were three nots.
NP: I know.
AM: Just in the past second!
KENNETH WILLIAMS: You shouldn't bother with them little words.
NP: You should have got him... ah, Clement you gained a point for speaking when the whistle went, you have now crept up on Peter Jones and we have come round to you Kenneth. A moment that a lot of us wait for with great pleasure in Just A Minute! Would you talk on people I enjoy for 60 seconds starting now.
KW: People I enjoy are the kind that can always have recourse to a charming, racy or amusing anecdote, depending of course on one's proclivities in these matters. Mine are manifold, and nothing is more delightful than to have those about me whose mental activity is so full of alacrity and inner joy, and I would add nobility, that the evening seems almost to race by. And one looks at the heavy jowls and the beards that adorn the faces of these colossuses. And one thinks "oh what a joyous day it was when I first came on this wonderfully energetic countenance. And those eyes almost Sapphire blue, reminding one straightaway of the Mediterranean..."
NP: So Kenneth Williams started with the subject...
KW: They were just being nice! I must have repeated myself somewhere!
NP: No actually Kenneth you didn't. You did it really beautifully and magnificently and you kept going. I must say the last 10 seconds was very tense.
NP: We all wondered whether you were going to keep it up.
KW: It wasn't tense for me, I was very loose!
NP: You must... have a lot of very enjoyable people about you because I could see from the way you were looking, you were describing their countenances...
KW: Mmmm, did you get the reference to Clement?
NP: I also got the reference to me...
NP: Anyway you did magnificently and of course you get a bonus point...
KW: Thank you!
NP: ...for keeping going without stopping. Peter Jones will you begin the next round, people I don't enjoy. Can you talk on that subject now for 60 seconds starting now.
PJ: Well there aren't so many of them as the ones I do enjoy. But for instance, when I'm approaching in my car a T junction and the car coming from my right...
NP: Clement Freud.
CF: Two cars.
NP: Yes I'm afraid...
PJ: Yes. Sorry I should have talked about the internal combustion engine or something. Yes, quite.
NP: Automobile or another one, but not car again. Forty-nine seconds left, people I don't enjoy Clement starting now.
CF: People I particularly don't enjoy are those who press buzzer at inopportune moments, in the middle of speaking intelligently about a subject such as people I don't enjoy. As I love Andree Melly very much, I forgive her completely, but there are other people whom I loathe and despise. In particular the ones who didn't come here today, because last week we had an absolutely rotten audience! I'm so glad that no-one is here this evening because you all...
NP: Peter Jones has challenged.
PJ: He said here here twice. I mean he repeated here.
CF: But I was pretty nice about the audience, doing it.
PJ: Yes you were very nice.
NP: All right Peter, that's a very tough challenge...
KW: Yes, very tough Peter, you know.
NP: But if he makes the challenge, I have to be fair within the rules of the game and he did repeat here. So Peter you get the point, 11 seconds for people I don't enjoy starting now.
PJ: And they jostle one in post offices. They push one off the...
NP: Clement Freud has challenged.
CF: Repetition of one.
NP: Yes, we're going to be tough that way, you get it back...
KW: Oh it's awful isn't it.
NP: Five seconds now on people I don't enjoy Clement, starting now.
CF: Let me have men about me who are loose...
KW: How disgusting! I mean! I've come here all the way from King's Cross! It's a family show! A load of filth!
NP: Kenneth I'm terribly confused. Last week you established that you moved to Baker Street.
KW: Oh sorry, yes!
NP: As your comment was devious, obviously your challenge was devious and therefore it was incorrect and therefore Clement Freud has another point and there are three seconds on people I don't enjoy Clement starting now.
CF: I don't enjoy people who wear therapeutic sandals at me...
NP: Clement Freud with the help of some incorrect challenges managed to gain a number of points in that round including one for speaking when the whistle went. So he has gained a commanding lead at the end of the round. Andree Melly, back with you, the subject, playing safe. Would you talk on that for 60 seconds starting now.
AM: The very best way of playing safe is I suppose to be dead. Then you can't have any catastrophe befall you whatsoever...
NP: Clement, Kenneth Williams has challenged.
KW: Well deviation, this is ridiculous! Obviously people who are dead can't play safe, nor can they play anything else, can they!
NP: I think that's a very good thought. Once you're dead, it's finished, you're not playing safe or playing anything, are you.
NP: All right Kenneth, you have a point for that and 42 seconds on playing safe starting now.
KW: It is of course to be so morally neutral and I would say in every other sense, that you sit on the fence and in the process split yourself right up the middle. Now various people disapprove of this kind of behaviour. And those who supported the Chamberlain administration, and the one that was accused so often of being appeasers during the crisis that blew up over that business with Adolf Hitler where he...
NP: Andree Melly has challenged.
AM: Oh he's going on and on and on, all about history, and he's not talking any more about playing safe.
NP: Well if anybody played safe I would have thought Chamberlain played...
KW: It was Chamberlain who was playing safe, wasn't it, you great nit!
NP: All right Kenneth, I'm supporting you...
NP: ...on Chamberlain...
KW: It's the way she rushes in and attacks you! Have you noticed that!
NP: Yes, I've noticed you do the same on occasions too Kenneth.
KW: Only with justification! Only when I am provoked you see, that's why!
NP: She was provoked then!
NP: She felt that her challenge was justified but I'm afraid I disagree with that.
NP: So you get another point and you continue with playing safe, 10 seconds starting now.
KW: And I have actually been given bank notes, and people have played safe with me. And said will you look after them on our behalf...
NP: Well then Kenneth Williams was speaking when the whistle went, and he has leapt forward at the end of that round which he loves to do, but alas, only into second place. But he's ahead of Peter Jones and Andree Melly. And Clement Freud your turn to begin, the subject, striking oil. Would you talk about that for 60 seconds starting now.
CF: One of the absolutely certain things about striking oil is that oil will come up. get a spoon and wham it, bash it, hit it, or animate the surface in any other way, and the result will be a small gusher which will be exactly as edible or attractive as the substance which you agitated in the first place. There are at the moment in the Channel around our coast a number of companies which are actually looking for oil of...
NP: Peter Jones has challenged.
PJ: Well they're not in the Channel. They're looking for oil in the North Sea.
NP: They are certainly looking for oil in the North Sea, I don't know if they're...
NP: Well all right, there may be companies looking for oil in the Channel, there may be companies we don't know about. You see this is my problem on decisions. So I think in a situation such as this, I have to put it to the superior wisdom and judgement of our charming and delightful audience...
PJ: Well they don't know where the people looking for it!
NP: It doesn't matter!
CF: Very knowledgeable!
NP: This is the way I get out of an impossible decision! They may not know, they may have no idea at all. But they will give a decision. So if you agree they are looking for oil in the English Channel...
CF: I didn't say the English Channel.
NP: No, in the channels around our coast. in other words, if you agree with Peter's challenge, you boo. And if you disagree with his challenge, you cheer. And you all do it together now.
CHEERS AND BOOS FROM THE AUDIENCE
NP: You're booing so what does that mean? You're booing his challenge so you're with Clement Freud.
NP: Oh you're with Peter Jones, are you?
CF: Most of then cheered anyway!
NP: If only we had a chairman on this programme who could think! All right so um...
PJ: We might be on to a good thing here! They seem to know where the oil is!
NP: All right, well anyway you struck oil with this audience Peter, you have a point because the audience considered your challenge was justified and the subject and there are 27 seconds on striking oil starting now.
PJ: And they're looking for it around the coast of Australia...
NP: Clement Freud has challenged.
CF: The subject is striking oil, not looking for it.
NP: It doesn't matter, you've got to look for it before you can strike it. So Peter Jones has another point and there are 24 seconds on striking oil starting now.
PJ: And any moment now, we may hear the news that they have struck oil there. Now in America, on one of the film lots around, I think, Twentieth Century Fox, they discovered even in the last decade, that they were sitting on a gold mine in the sense that the oil underneath amounted to the value of several million...
NP: Well Peter Jones was then speaking when the whistle went so he has moved forward in that round and taken second place ahead of Kenneth, but still behind Clement Freud our leader. And Kenneth your turn to begin, the English Gog and Magog, one of those delightful subjects that I think Ian Messiter thinks of especially for you. But would you now talk on it for 60 seconds starting now.
KW: Well these are of course the remnant of this race of giants who are descended from this Emperor Dalcletian. But there were effigies, you know, that did stand for some time outside Guild hall. And therefore English Gog and Magog, I think must specifically refer to these things. They were carved beautifully in a sort of stone, probably Portland. And they represented, I would say, primeval forces. And it's interesting, like gargoyles on a cathedral, how western man with his disdain for the civilised way of life, has on occasion delight in resorting to these symbols of the past like Gog and Magog who perhaps cast your imaginative faculties way back into the mist of antiquity. And a writer like Morley who discussed druidic customs and things like...
NP: Oh Clement Freud has challenged.
CF: Repetition of things like.
NP: You rotten thing! He only had four seconds to go!
CF: That was as long as I wished to talk about Gog and Magog!
NP: Well said Clement! But yes, we thought for once we were going to have a unique record in Just A Minute. Somebody was going to keep going on the subject they started with twice in the same show. It didn't quite happen and Clement Freud you have a point, four seconds on the English Gog and Magog starting now.
CF: I first came across Gog and Magog in a Latin gender rhyme...
NP: So Clement Freud getting in then before the whistle, gained the extra point and increased his lead at the end of that round. Peter Jones we're back with you, what I do at midnight. Why should you laugh at the thought of what Peter Jones might do at midnight? You must have horrid minds or very unkind ones. Peter Jones that's the subject would you talk on it for 60 seconds starting now.
PJ: Well it's not something that I really want to discuss...
NP: Kenneth Williams we know what you're going to say.
KW: Yes, quite, if you know what I'm going to say, you don't need me to say it do you?
NP: You haven't said anything.
KW: Well you presumably are going to tell them. You say you know what I'm going to say.
KW: Well, tell them then!
NP: You're going to say (in high pitched rather poor impression of KW) "well if he doesn't know what he's going to say, let him shut up, and let me get on with it".
KW: On the contrary! The point of this game is to discuss what you give us on the card. Right? He said he doesn't want to discuss it. I say give the subject to me.
NP: Yes, you put it beautifully.
CF: Or yes was the word he was searching for!
PJ: But I'm going to discuss it!
KW: Oh why don't you shut your row and give someone else a chance? You've done nothing but talk on this show! It's always the same! You come in and dominate it! It's a disgrace!
KW: He said I don't want to talk about it! That's what he said! If he don't want to talk about it, he can shut up! I'll have a go!
NP: Kenneth, even if he doesn't want to talk about it, the object of the game is to try and talk about it, which is exactly what Peter Jones was doing. And he has 56 seconds, you challenged with only four seconds in. What I do at midnight Peter starting now.
PJ: Because many people who listen may be over-stimulated, excited. They may take exception to it or worse still...
NP: Kenneth Williams.
KW: Deviation, he's discussing other people's reactions to him. The subject is what I do at midnight.
PJ: Well it's other people's reactions to what I do that is the important thing!
NP: Peter justified what he was saying. So he has another point and there are 49 seconds on what I do at midnight starting now.
PJ: Well just after...
NP: Andree Melly challenged.
NP: Yes I agree Andree, 47 seconds on what I do at midnight starting now.
AM: What I do at midnight does vary because sometimes I may be in a very deep sleep and hear...
NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.
KW: Deviation, she can't do anything if she's in a deep sleep, so why talk about it? Ludicrous!
NP: She can dream, can't she?
KW: What I do at midnight!
KW: And she said I'm in a deep sleep. How can you do anything in a deep sleep?
NP: Well you could be dreaming. You could be twitching.
KW: That isn't doing anything!
NP: Yes she could be turning over and putting the bedclothes...
KW: Oh you're talking a load of rubbish! When you're doing your acting, you're going about! You should see me! When I'm really going at something, I'm not laying there deep breathing!
NP: I've heard people say what did you do at midnight last night when I was fast asleep.
KW: Yeah when they ask you, it's another matter entirely! Half the time you are asleep! You seem to be on this show with these judgements! Ludicrous aren't they!
PJ: In any case, there's nothing in the rules which says we can't talk a load of rubbish!
KW: Oh he's getting in his oar again! Hark at him! What was that?
NP: Well repeat it, repeat it.
PJ: I said there's nothing in the rules that says we can't talk a load of rubbish!
APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE
NP: I don't know whether the applause was for Peter Jones's remark or for who they thought it was intended for. Having said that, Andree Melly...
PJ: You can share it among yourselves!
NP: Well said Peter! Forty seconds for you Andree on what I do at midnight starting now.
AM: I turn to the left and then the right, wriggle my toes and stretch and curl up tighter. And hear "Mummy!" coming from the other room. I get up very slowly and drowsily drunk with sleep, go to see what my young daughter wants. Find that it's a glass of water or too hot, cold, wants to go wee-wee... oops!
NP: Clement Freud challenged.
CF: That was the second wee.
NP: Yes. Charmingly put Clement, you almost deserve a bonus point for your... and you know, so you have 19 seconds on what I do at midnight Clement starting now.
CF: What I do at midnight is to try and turn into a pumpkin. Because my children said it was very important that I should do so. I get a piece of green plastic and drape myself in it entirely, painting from inside signs and... memorable...
NP: Andree Melly challenged.
AM: There was a hesitation before the memorable.
NP: Yes I think he was got as close to hesitation as it's possible to get...
CF: Do you think Ian could not put the whistle in his mouth until he intends to blow it? One is lulled into a sense of feeling that there can only be two or three seconds, and he seems to put his whistle in his mouth earlier and earlier.
NP: I know. Andree Melly you have a correct challenge, four seconds on what I do at midnight starting now.
AM: Occasionally I go in the kitchen and have a glass of milk and two biscuits...
NP: Andree Melly was then speaking when the whistle went, but Andree, I'm afraid you're still in fourth place. But you've moved up on Kenneth Williams who's moving up on Peter Jones, who's moving up on our leader who is still Clement Freud. What a lot of moving going on in this programme! Andree Melly would you begin the next round, limericks, 60 seconds starting now.
AM: There once was a Dean of St Paul's
Who looked at the cracks in the walls...
NP: Ah Clement Freud has challenged.
CF: I was trying to save her from...
NP: You didn't succeed!
CF: I didn't have to.
NP: No, you didn't have to. All that happens is that Andree Melly gets a point because she wasn't deviating from limericks and there are 53 seconds starting now.
AM: If we stick them with glue
Do you think that will do?
And the answer he got was certainly not, it would be absolutely inadequate.
This is the only limerick that I know, and in spite of Clement Freud, it is reasonably clean. Some of them are filthy and...
NP: Clement Freud has challenged. Clement you challenged, why?
CF: Um, if it's the only limerick she knows, how does she know that the others are clean?
NP: Ah I ah because she probably she means it's the only one she knows having committed it to memory. She might know...
CF: Knows means having knowledge.
NP: No, knows can also mean that she has knowledge that other limericks exist but she does not know any by heart to recite. That's the way I interpret it so Andree keeps the subject for 37 seconds on limericks starting now.
AM: I um am very pleased to get the point but I'd love Clement to have it, so I can learn some dirty ones. As I believe there are a great many of them...
NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.
KW: Yes. she said that before, and she said it again.
NP: Yes all right Kenneth, you have the subject now and there are 28 seconds on limericks starting now.
KW: Well there was a young lady of Ryde
who ate a green apple and died
And the apple fermented
Inside the lamented
And made cider inside her inside
KW: Oh that's funny!
NP: Clement Freud, your challenge came first.
KW: What's your challenge?
CF: Inside her.
NP: Inside her, inside her.
KW: Where's the repetition?
CF: Inside her inside.
NP: Inside her inside is in side, S-I-D-E her inside I-N-S-I-D-E, all one word. So there are 17 seconds Clement starting now.
CF: There was a young man from Japan
Whose poetry never would scan
When asked reasons why
He replied with a sigh
Well you see I always try to get as many words in to the last line as I possibly can.
And this is a limerick which...
NP: Well Clement Freud was then speaking when the whistle went so he gained that extra point, having got a delightful laugh on his limerick. Even if you thought Kenneth deserved the point for the end, it wouldn't have made any difference to the final result and we did have a limerick from Clement as well. Peter you're the only one who hasn't given us a limerick, do you know one?
PJ: No I don't know any, can't remember one.
NP: All right so we have no more time to play Just A Minute this week unfortunately. So let me give you the final score. Andree Melly was just in fourth place, one point behind Kenneth Williams, who was two points behind Peter Jones, who was quite a few points behind our winner who was once again Clement Freud. We do hope you've enjoyed this edition of Just A Minute and will want to tune in again next time. Until then from all of us here, good-bye!
ANNOUNCER: The chairman of Just A Minute was Nicholas Parsons, the programme was devised by Ian Messiter and produced by David Hatch.