WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE!
starring KENNETH WILLIAMS, CLEMENT FREUD, PETER JONES and ANDREE MELLY, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 18 January 1972)
ANNOUNCER: We present Kenneth Williams, Clement Freud, Peter Jones and Andree Melly in Just A Minute. And as the Minute Waltz fades away here to tell you about it is our chairman Nicholas Parsons.
NICHOLAS PARSONS: Thank you, thank you very much indeed and welcome once again to Just A Minute. And once again, we have our four most experienced players of the game who are going to do battle in this verbal battle of wits and try and win at Just A Minute. I'm going to ask each one of them if they can speak for Just A Minute on some unlikely subject without hesitation, without repetition and without deviating from the subject on the card which is in front of me. And according to how well they do this, they will win points or lose them. And so let us begin the show this week with Kenneth Williams. Kenneth will you talk to us for 60 seconds if you can on sensible winter underwear. A good subject to start the programme with, and you start now.
KENNETH WILLIAMS: Well of course, I always believe in these old sayings. Don't cast a clout till May is out. And therefore I do not leave off the interlock woollens until that period is reached. You can't beat wool! Indeed it has been written on posters that there is no substitute for it. Just like myself! There is no replica. Nothing more beautiful or cosy does exist in this land than something wool on me! People...
NP: Ah Andree Melly...
KW: How dare... (splutters loudly)
NP: You've been going on very well for over 30 seconds but Andree has challenged you. Andree what is your challenge?
ANDREE MELLY: Repetition, two wools.
NP: Sensible winter underwear, wool is not in the title on the card, so it's perfectly correct, you have repeated wool Kenneth. So I agree with Andree's challenge and she takes a point and the subject and she has 27 seconds for sensible winter underwear starting now.
AM: If you are a woman, this is very difficult to find. Those thick woolly vests are not suitable because they ruffle round the arms where the sleeves are and put on inches round your waist. A spencer, that's a good thing...
NP: Ah Peter Jones challenged you, why?
PETER JONES: Repetition of round.
NP: Yes indeed, you did have too much roundness there Andree, repetition of round. So I agree with Peter's challenge, he gains a point and 14 seconds left for sensible winter underwear Peter, starting now.
PJ: I don't know what the perfect solution is. Something that one can wear on television when the lights are very hot. And also still have on when one is queuing up for a bus when the programme is over...
NP: These little glimpses of people's life you get from this programme! I saw Peter Jones in his sensible winter underwear queuing for a bus!
LAUGHTER FROM PJ AND THE AUDIENCE
NP: That whistle by the way tells...
PJ: I wear my raincoat over them of course!
NP: Ah good, we're reassured Peter! That whistle tells us that 60 seconds are up and whoever is speaking at that particular moment gains an extra point. On this occasion it was Peter Jones, so at the end of the first round, he has a lead of one over Andree Melly, and the others have yet to score. Um Peter Jones, your turn to begin. And the subject is my favourite sport. Can you talk to us about that for Just A MInute starting now.
PJ: Yes I'm very pleased to talk about it, because it's something that my wife is able to join me in. We both love going out into the country and hunting for houses. Not that we are unhappy about the domicile in which we exist. But we do always have a dream, that somewhere over the hill or possibly over the sea from...
NP: And a challenge from Kenneth Williams.
KW: Two overs.
NP: Yes you went over too much with that. So I agree with Kenneth's challenge, he gains a point and he has now 33 seconds for my favourite sport starting now.
KW: Well it's very unfortunate because I don't have one!
NP: And someone has challenged you. Clement Freud pressed his buzzer first, what is it Clement?
CLEMENT FREUD: Hesitation, he stopped.
NP: A hesitation, I agree with Clement's challenge, he gains a point for a correct one, has 30 seconds to continue with my favourite sport starting now.
CF: My favourite sport is baiting Kenneth Williams. I creep down Baker Street at dawn of a Tuesday, with a piccadillo in one hand, and a gherkin in another. My spring vest contains newts. And reaching the north end of that thoroughfare, I have a poster of the aforesaid team member of this game, Just A Minute, and... get all sorts of...
NP: (laughs) Andree Melly challenged you.
NP: I think so, he was doing so well, trying to find different phrases for the same, er, expression all the way through and he almost made it for there were only four seconds left. Andree got in with a correct challenge and she continues with my favourite sport starting now.
AM: My favourite sport is called Freda McDyke. She was the games and gym mistress...
NP: So Andree getting in just before the whistle kept the subject, gained the extra point for speaking as the whistle went and has a lead of one over everybody else at the end of the second round. Clement Freud, your turn to begin. The most fun I ever had. can you tell us about that in 60 seconds starting now.
CF: The most fun I ever had, starting now, is a fantastic woman, sitting in the eighth row with purple hair and a glass eye. We are going to have such a fantastically cheerful time when this programme is over. And I'm sorry about speaking in the future but since I came in and I notice that astonishing twitch of my left toe as I caught her eye, she mine, we sit there... I'm going to stop now because...
NP: Andree Melly has challenged you.
CF: Quite right!
AM: Because he was going to stop there.
KW: Well he didn't stop, did he?
NP: So why did you challenge?
AM: The hesitation he was about to do!
NP: Andree no, because you see he actually hadn't stopped, he was still going on on the subject. Actually he was talking in the future so he was at that moment being devious, but you didn't challenge...
AM: He was being devious!
NP: Too late now! No he hadn't actually stopped, he was still going on. Until we get a correct challenge Clement Freud keeps the subject with another point of course for a wrong challenge. And there are 26 seconds left starting now.
CF: On March the 18th 1951, it was picnic time. Mummy, Daddy, Auntie Mabel and Uncle Jim came into my bedroom at 9.15 and said "it's outing!" And the share bore was outside, and the car, the chauffeur, the maid, the butler. We all went to Lowestoft and then Yarmouth...
CF: ... up the coast to Sherringham....
NP: Andree's challenged your outing, I'm sorry.
NP: A challenge, what's your challenge this time Andree?
AM: Well snobbism! I mean you can't have all those many servants, it's too embarrassing!
LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE
NP: You can't and he probably hasn't, and probably never did...
AM: It's devious! Devious!
NP: But he never established that those servants had anything to do with him and he was still keeping going on the most fun I ever had. He might have had it with the butler and the parlour maid and the cook for all we know!
AM: He has another point!
NP: He hasn't deviated from the subject to be perfectly accurate Andree. So he keeps it and there are eight seconds left starting now.
CF: He wore a mackintosh and I had Wellington boots when the man came along and said with a whip and a face like yours...
NP: I'm delighted that the whistle went just then before we got really devious. I think we were about to have it. But Clement Freud started with the subject, and in spite of challenges kept going on the subject. He now has a lead, he has four, Andree has three, Peter Jones has two and Kenneth Williams has one point at the end of that round. And Andree Melly your turn to begin. Why good cooking is a mark of civilisation. Can you talk on that particular subject for 60 seconds starting now.
AM: Clement Freud as we all know is a very good cook. And a mark of civilisation if ever I saw one. So... the reason is...
NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.
KW: Deviation, a man cannot be a mark.
NP: I don't think he can be a mark of civilisation, no, I quite agree. Especially Clement Freud! So there we have it, I agree with your challenge Kenneth, you gain a point and you have 50 seconds for why good cooking is a mark of civilisation starting now.
KW: Well of course good cooking is not a mark of civilisation. And indeed in Periclean Athens which was one of the most advanced civilisations we've ever known, the cooking was appalling! They used to do this stuff on a spit, you know, and it used to revolve round. They used to throw this grease on, and they used to get (screeching) oh! The most terrible indigestion! And there was all the business going round afterwards! And the most awful regurgitation, such as (belching nose) noises!
KW: All the time you see!
NP: Clement Freud has challenged before you got your belch in.
CF: It's repetition.
NP: Of what? (laughs)
NP: Coming back! Somebody gave you the line to say it's coming back instead of me saying it! It's all right. Regurgitation, repetition. Very good challenge, give him a point for a clever idea. But as Kenneth Williams did not deviate from the subject of why good cooking is a mark of civilisation, he keeps the subject and continues for 26 seconds starting now.
KW: The assumption has always been of course that indeed the most sophisticated nation in Europe, undoubtedly the French, do hold the field here. But the best kind of food can be obtained in that country, the best cooking I mean. And...
NP: Clement Freud why have you challenged?
CF: Repetition of best.
NP: Yes I agree with your challenge, you take a point and you have 10 and a half seconds for why good cooking is a mark of civilisation starting now.
CF: I suppose if you went down the High Street of Vaduz which is the capital of Liechtenstein and came across a toad-in-the-hole, you would be justified in thinking...
NP: I'm fascinated to know what we would be justified in thinking Clement?
CF: Me too!
NP: Once again saved by the whistle, you get an extra point for speaking when the whistle Clement, and you've increased your lead at the end of that round. Peter Jones, your turn, old jokes. Do you know any Peter? But if not, can you talk about them for 60 seconds starting now.
PJ: I'm very pleased to talk about them, because I collect them, just as other people go around picking up antiques, or storing bottles...
NP: And Andree Melly challenged you.
NP: Yes and she goes around picking up points because I agree, with that hesitation Andree. You have 50 seconds for old jokes starting now.
AM: They're called chestnuts very often, I don't really know why. Comedians tell them, and do them up in different ways to try and make them topical. I hate them. I get very nervous when people start telling jokes because I very rarely see the point. I believe there are only a few er...
NP: Clement Freud got in first.
NP: Hesitation, I agree Clement. There are 33 seconds for old jokes starting now.
CF: A man went into a chemist shop and said "do you sell talcum powder?" And the chemist said "certainly sir, will you walk this way?" And the man said "if I could walk that way, I wouldn't need the substance that I..."
APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE
NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged your old joke.
KW: Well of course, he said walk twice.
NP: And of course he had to say it to say the joke.
NP: Yes! I say, I say, I say, I say. I say you've won a point there Kenneth and you have the subject of old jokes and 20 seconds for them starting now.
KW: A bloke rushed into the pub and he said "mine's a light" and the barmaid poured a bucket of cold water all over him! And another bloke went into a bar and...
HUGE LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE
KW: ...and another bloke rushed in and said "mine's a large one". She said "are you ordering or boasting?"
HUGE LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE
KW: They are both very old jokes!
NP: Really! Yes we can see the whiskers! You were challenged after the first one actually.
KW: Who challenged me?
NP: Your colleague beside you?
KW: Did you have the disloyalty?
NP: Yes! Clement why did you challenge that first...
CF: Two blokes, repetition.
NP: Was there?
CF: Repetition of bloke.
KW: It's true, I did.
NP: There were two blokes in the first...
KW: Yes I'm sorry, I do apologise.
NP: Yes but you got the joke, and you got the laughs...
KW: That's true! That's true!
NP: You had two walks, so he's got it back again. Clement, another point to you, 14 seconds, old jokes starting now.
CF: This gentleman walked into a pharmaceutical store and said "do you sell toothbrushes?" and the assistant said "certainly sir, we have three kinds, bristle, two and six, nylon, three and nine..."
CF: ...alligator hair, five shillings". And the man thought for a while and said "I would like to purchase the latter because I have never heard of it before, to which the chemist said...."
CF: I can't go on because it's a filthy story! And I thought the whistle would blow!
NP: Andree challenged you a long while back actually. We wanted you to go on because I knew the end of it and I wanted to know if you dared to give it out. Andree what was your challenge way back?
AM: Well I wanted to save him embarrassment because I heard it too! Deviation, because I knew it was!
NP: Oh no I'm afraid he hadn't actually deviated from old jokes so it's back with you Clement...
AM: Right, finish it!
NP: Four seconds... four seconds left starting now.
CF: As he was about to conclude his purchase, yet another customer entered through the portals of the emporium dealing in articles such as...
SMALL LITTLE WHISTLE
NP: Your very clean story gave you, ah, an increased lead at the end of the round over all the others. And Clement Freud we're back with you, your turn to begin.
CF: Oh good!
NP: And the subject is charm. So can you talk to us for 60 seconds on that subject starting now.
CF: Charm is a very elusive quality, sometimes to be seen in patrons of chemist's shops, who use talcum powder, toothbrushes, ointments and other emulsions to multiply the already existing factor of charm, already inherent in their person...
NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged, why?
KW: Two alreadys.
CF: Yes, yes, yes.
NP: Yes there was indeed yes. Well listened Kenneth. So you have the subject now of charm Kenneth and you have 40 seconds... And you're looking at your most charming at the present moment I must say. And the audience have recognised it, that's why they're laughing. And um, you start now.
KW: Well of course there are various varieties. I do symbolise theatrical charm and then there is the charm that is exerted by the man who has these snakes, and makes them do all kinds of exciting things and interests various passers-by in marketplaces in Morocco. I have stood enchanted, watching these gyrations as these reptiles wind themselves round the air and the flute there...
NP: I think Kenneth Williams has got a new way to play this game, he speaks so quietly the other three can't hear him! We didn't know what you said Kenneth...
KW: That was your actual dulcet tones!
NP: Yes! It was so dulcet we didn't know whether you were repetitious, hesitationus, or um deviational. So there we are! Andree Melly we go from charm to the subject of powder. So can you talk to us about that for 60 seconds starting now.
AM: This is a particularly boring subject which I will try to talk about for 60 seconds. It comes in different shades from pale pink to green. If you have very red cheeks and want to get the glow down, there is the talcum variety which can be found in chemist's shops together with toothbrushes, toothpaste and other commodities. Not very expensive, but I don't quite know what it's made of. You can have it in large boxes or small ones, put it in a compact, gold, gilt, silver, whatever you wish. I'm terribly fed up talking about this but no...
NP: And Clement Freud has helped you.
CF: I'm terribly fed up talking about this has nothing to do with powder.
NP: She actually meant I'm fed up talking about this which was powder so she hasn't deviated from powder. So she still keeps the subject, having got another point for a wrong challenge...
APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE
NP: Thank you! And there are 25 seconds left starting now.
AM: There is the baby variety used to keep the small infrant from getting chapped in the...
NP: Kenneth Williams why have you challenged?
KW: There's no such thing as a small infrant!
NP: (laughs) That's what happens if you put someone under pressure! Their infants become infrants! So you have the subject Kenneth and a point of course and 19 seconds for powder starting now.
KW: Well when you are ablaze with acne as I have frequently been, and you do...
NP: Peter Jones has challenged your acne!
NP: Peter Jones.
KW: How dare you!
PJ: You can't be ablaze with acne!
KW: You haven't seen me, especially in puberty! You ask my mother, she had a terrible job! Pustules everywhere! I was covered in them! Oh it was a horrible site! People used to say "cover him up for goodness sake!" I had a sack over me half the time! Sackcloth and ashes was my lot! I could tell you things that would make your hair curl!
NP: All right, our hairs are curling and we've had a good... I'll tell you what I'll do because I think technically speaking if you use a phrase, you can use it sort of er...
KW: Of course! I'm using it euphemistically of course! Idiosyncratically! It's a delight! Yeeeeeessss!
NP: Let the audience be the final judge. If they think that that phrase of "ablaze with acne" is not a good one, if they consider that that was devious, let them be the final judge on this difficult one. I'll put it to them. If they agree with Peter's challenge, then would they cheer. And if they disagree would they boo, and would you all do it together now.
CHEERS AND BOOS FROM THE AUDIENCE
NP: You're ablaze! Kenneth Williams, blaze away for 14 seconds on powder starting now.
KW: After applying a little erase, you powder down with of course the poudre rochelle. This gives one an inviting, almost...
NP: Peter Jones has challenged again.
PJ: He just changed the language!
NP: It wasn't repetition...
KW: I didn't say the same word, I said powder and then poudre.
PJ: Well you could go through the whole, all the languages in Europe doing that!
NP: But actually, the word powder's the word on the card which he didn't repeat and he hasn't used the word poudre before. So I don't see why he was being repetitious.
PJ: Well I thought I'd try! I am in fourth place! I've nothing to lose! I can't er lose by a wider margin really!
CF: Unless we got more people in!
NP: Well I'll tell you what you have done.
CF: Unless we got some more competitors!
PJ: Yes we could do that! (laughs)
NP: I'll tell you what you have done. You've now got the audience on your side, so maybe next time...
PJ: Well I don't know I want them after that!
NP: I must be fair to the rules of the game because otherwise I get so many brickbats from you and letters from others. So Kenneth as I disagree with the challenge and six seconds for powder starting now.
KW: I have frequently disappeared in a flurry of talcum powder and people have said "goodness gracious me, how incredible..."
NP: Kenneth Williams was speaking then as the whistle went, he gained an extra point. He also got a number of points throughout that particular round with his acne and his powder so he has what he says he loves to do, leaped forward. But he hasn't leapt into the lead, but he has crept up most considerably on Clement Freud. Andree Melly is in third place, Peter Jones as you already know from his own lips is in fourth place. Kenneth the subject is for you now, I mean it's your turn. And the subject is the great bed of where. Can you talk to us about that for 60 seconds starting now.
KW: Well there was this grate, you see, and they all said "where is this bed?" because they couldn't find out where it was, you see. The grate was there but not the bed! So they said "look here, we must have a bed because obviously" (goes into high speed gibberish)
KW: (continues with Stanley Unwin-esque gibberish)
KW: But of course that wasn't done either, instead they put 12 into the bed which became (full speed gibbersih)
NP: Kenneth, long before you started speaking so quickly that nobody could understand you, Clement Freud chalenged you.
KW: Oh sorry.
NP: What was your challenge Clement?
CF: Ah... it was a long time ago. There was five grates. We did at one time establish that even if it's on the card...
NP: Actually at that particular moment, I was counting, I have a lot to do. There were three grates, three beds and three wheres. Right, Kenneth Williams has another point for an incorrect challenge, he has 47 seconds for the great bed of ware starting now.
KW: Well of course, it was this vast...
NP: Clement Freud has challenged you.
CF: Repetition of of course.
KW: I've only just started, you fool! How can you say of course?
CF: Your initial 13 seconds...
KW: That doesn't count in your second gambit, you great nit!
NP: I don't think you said of course in this particular round.
KW: Thank you very much Nick! Exactly! Marvellous chairman! Brilliant!
NP: Forty-five seconds for you Kenneth on the great bed of ware starting now.
KW: It was in this vast public house that this bed was situated. And in that period, people frequently were known to sleep in the same object you see. So on one occasion there is historic record to the effect that 12 people were all in...
NP: Clement Freud has challenged. Why?
CF: Repetition of people.
NP: Yes and there was a repetition of 12, so Clement Freud I agree with your challenge this time and there are 15 seconds left for the great bed of ware starting now.
CF: I had some friends called the Albues, who lived not far from Stevenage...
NP: Kenneth Williams why have you challenged?
KW: Irrelevant! Deviation! Devious rubbish!
NP: No Stevenage isn't very far from Ware.
KW: But, the long of it is nothing to do with it, it's in the British Museum, it's nothing to do with Ware.
NP: But Ware is in Hertfordshire and it's not far from Stevenage. If you're going to talk about the great bed...
KW: He's got the friends who live there now! The bed's been in the Museum for years! What's it got to do with it? Totally ....
NP: (laughs) For all you know, his friends may be in the Museum as well! No, he didn't deviate from the subject, there are six seconds left, the Great Bed of Ware Clement starting now.
CF: Who were passionately interested in Herfordhsire history which...
NP: Peter Jones has challenged, why?
PJ: Repetition of Hertfordshire!
KW: (screams) Ah yes! Yes! Yes!
CF: I didn't say it.
KW: Definitely! You said it before!
KW: You said it before!
NP: No, I said Hertfordshire.
CF: Nick said it!
KW: Oh brilliant!
NP: You change your affections very rapidly!
KW: I know! I've gone off him! I've gone off him terribly!
NP: This used to be your friend who you supported...
KW: I know! But he's changed! He's changed the after-shave!
NP: I'm sorry! I've got to be fair about this. I said Hertfordshire, not Clement Freud. So it was well tried. You, you, I know we wanted to hear from you Peter, it was lovely. But I've got to be accurate, two seconds for Clement on the great bed of Ware starting now.
CF: Taking an underground...
NP: Ladies and gentlemen, I'm afraid we have no more time to play Just A Minute. So it only remains for me to give you the final score. At the end of this particular edition of Just A Minute, you might not be surprised to hear after what you already heard that Peter Jones was in fourth place. He was a little way behind Andree Melly who was in third place, who was a little way behind Kenneth Williams who was in a good second place, but Kenneth was undoubtedly beaten by our winner this week, Clement Freud. We do hope that you have enjoyed this particular edition of Just A Minute and from all of us here, goodbye.
ANNOUNCER: The chairman of Just A Minute was Nicholas Parsons, the programme was devised by Ian Messiter and produced by David Hatch.