WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE!
starring KENNETH WILLIAMS, CLEMENT FREUD, PETER JONES and ANDREE MELLY, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 25 January 1972)
ANNOUNCER: We present Kenneth Williams, Clement Freud, Peter Jones and Andree Melly in Just A Minute. And as the Minute Waltz fades away, here to tell you about it is our chairman Nicholas Parsons.
NICHOLAS PARSONS: Thank you very much, hello and welcome once again to Just A Minute. And once again, we have these four experienced people who enjoy this verbal battle of wits, Just A Minute. And I'm going to ask them, once again, if they can speak for Just A Minute on some unlikely subject without hesitation, without repetition and without deviating from the subject. And according to how well they do it, they will gain points or lose points to their opponents. That's how we play and we begin the show this week with Andree Melly. Andree the subject is jazz, can you talk to us for 60 seconds on jazz starting now.
ANDREE MELLY: Jazz originated in America. It was born in the Negro spiritual and the work songs of the prison...
NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.
KENNETH WILLIAMS: Deviation.
KW: Because, it couldn't have been born. Birth is nativity and all the rest of it, and creation is human activity. And of course it was not a natural...
NP: Well actually, I've heard people talking about the creation of something other than a human...
KW: Well I don't care about that, I'm not interested in what you've done!
NP: I know you're not interested...
KW: I should have, I should have the subject, I think, don't you?
NP: I definitely think you should have the subject, but I'd like...
KW: Thank you very much! Now about jazz...
NP: I'd like you to get it legitimately. And I don't think... And I'm sure you would like to get it legitimately.
KW: Oh I don't mind illegitimacy at all. Not at all!
NP: Well all right, I'm afraid I disagree with your challenge Kenneth. So that means Andree gets a point for a wrong challenge...
NP: She keeps the subject and 51 seconds left for jazz starting now.
AM: It then moved to the towns like New Orleans and was found in the...
NP: Clement Freud challenged.
CLEMENT FREUD: Deviation.
CF: There are no towns like New Orleans!
NP: You have a point for a clever challenge but it was not devious. Andree you keep the subject, jazz, 47 seconds left starting now.
AM: And brothels. Bessie Smith was one of the great exponents of blues, the classic form of jazz. Later Billie Holliday for example was a more sophisticated er...
NP: Kenneth Williams you challenged.
KW: I thought a hesitation there.
NP: Yes, you could have had her for deviation, a more sophisticated (makes raspberry noise). I don't know whether that's going to air... Kenneth I agree with your challenge, you get a point and you take the subject over, there are 35 seconds for jazz starting now.
KW: It's authentic quality was supposedly it's involuntary nature. The fact that these people could sit with a piano or with a trumpet, come out with these sounds which were impromptu, that is to say there was not a core, there was not a formal...
NP: Ah Andree Melly...
KW: Who had the au...? I think it's a nerve you know, I really do!
KW: I was throbbing with it, I was! I was concentrating then!
NP: Right at the beginning of the programme Andree was throbbing with it and you came in with it, a challenge.
KW: Yes but she's women's lib, I'm anti!
NP: Well the women's lib challenged you on that one, Andree what was it?
AM: There was a repetition of not a and not a, right one after the other.
NP: Not a and not a, yes. I thought it was also a repetition of something else, but that one's correct Andree. You keep the subject, I'm sorry, you get the subject back, you can have a point for a correct challenge, jazz, 13 seconds starting now.
AM: The front line instrumentalists intertwine the melody. And then one takes over occasionally, the bass player or the rhythm section is allowed to perform on his own, whoom-a boom-boom-boom...
NP: (laughs) You were very lucky there Andree because Clement Freud challenged you, just on your doob-doob, and the bell went after the first doob, otherwise doob-doob-doob-doon-doob would be definitely repetitious. Whoever speaks when the whistle goes which tells us, by the way, that 60 seconds are up, gains an extra point. On this occasion it was Andree Melly so she has a commanding lead at the end of the first round. Kenneth Williams will you begin the second round, the subject, Dr Jekyll and Mr Hide...
CRY OF "OH" FROM THE AUDIENCE
NP: What do you mean "oh"? Can you talk to us about those two characters for 60 seconds starting now.
KW: It derived from a novel, which was a load of rubbish, about a man who after taking some sort of potion became another person. And this gave rise to another lot of idiotic ideas connected with the modern world and psychology and schizophrenia which actually perpetrates...
NP: Clement Freud why have you challenged?
CF: Schrizophrenia, I didn't care for.
KW: I didn't say schritz, you great nit! How dare you put words in my mouth! And I don't know where they've been anyway!
NP: Schristzophenia or schizophrenia, I still think we knew what you meant. Forty-four seconds for you Kenneth with another point on the subject of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde starting now.
KW: And of course the idea was that they both represented the sides so to speak of the same coin. That one day you could have goodness and that another period evil. In fact the turnabout was accomplished with a whole mass of hair. He became hirsute to a degree and these teeth which were normally quite like dentures became fangish and horrible, the sort of mucus gathered about the lips, you see. There was a sort of migration...
NP: And Clement Freud challenged you.
CF: Repetition of sort of.
NP: Yes there was a repetition of sort of which is a bit mean but it was an accurate challenge. So you gain a point Clement and there are nine seconds left for Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde...
KW: He leaves it till there's nine seconds? Have you noticed that Peter? Have you noticed that Peter?
PETER JONES: Yes I have noticed that.
KW: It's wicked isn't it! You see, he lets you do all the work and then he comes in on the end. He's only got nine seconds to fill in, hasn't he? I don't call that winning, do you Peter?
KW: What do you think Peter?
PJ: Week after week I try to work out how he does it!
KW: There you are!
PJ: I can't understand it!
NP: Last week you got in after, on four seconds a couple of times Peter.
PJ: Yeah but you didn't allow it! I remember you know! I've remembered all week! It's been rankling, it's been rankling!
NP: It's been a long week for all of us, hasn't it!
PJ: Night after night I've been thinking about it! Yes!
NP: What was the challenge now, yes, sort of. And Clement I agree with the challenge, there are nine seconds left for Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde starting now.
CF: There was a film of this name which I saw in a cinema in Totness, Devon, which featured Spencer Tracy, now deceased, in which Ingrid Bergman...
NP: On this occasion Clement Freud was speaking when the whistle went so he gained an extra point and he's now taken the lead alongside Andree Melly. Peter Jones your turn to begin, in fact Peter Jones your turn to hear from you. The best day of my life, can you tell us about that in 60 seconds Peter starting now.
PJ: Well I am an incurable optimist obviously, or I wouldn't be here week after week. The best day...
NP: Clement Freud challenged, why?
CF: (laughs) Repetition of week.
NP: You are an incu... you're an incurable optimist Peter, otherwise you wouldn't think of phrases like that to say in Just A Minute!
PJ: I know! Most unfortunate!
NP: But actually week after week we cannot let go by. And Clement Freud got in and I agree with the challenge. So Clement you take a point and the best day of my life Clement starting now.
CF: Day after day...
APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE
NP: And who is to say that Clement Freud isn't sporting? Sorry, you want to justify that?
CF: You may repeat any word from the phrase on the card. It's always established...
NP: Ian Messiter, you thought of the game, can he do that?
IAN MESSITER: Absolutely right, yes.
NP: Thank goodness you're here beside me! (laughs) So he very cleverly said something which produced a challenge from Andree Melly and is an incorrect challenge. That means that Clement Freud keeps the subject and gains a point, the best day of my life and there are 52 seconds left starting now.
CF: Was the 18th of August 1965. Because on this auspicious morning I awoke to an alarm clock, rose, had grape nuts with milk and brown sugar. And then went outside, mounted a bus and...
NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged you.
KW: Well you can't mount a bus! It's deviation, isn't it!
NP: No I think...
KW: You can mount a horse yes, I'll agree with a horse! But not a bus!
NP: I think the picture of Clement Freud sitting astride a bus! he may have done some devious things in his time but I don't think astride a bus, no. You may say colloquially mount a bus, but nobody else does, most people say they get on a bus, Clement. So I'm going to give it against you, Kenneth has a point and the subject, 35 seconds left for the best day of my life Kenneth starting now.
KW: The best day of my life in my conscious memory and I use the term advisedly, brothers, brothers and sisters...
NP: Clement Freud has challenged you.
KW: What's his challenge?
NP: What's your challenge?
CF: Brothers and...
NP: Brothers. You were being too brotherly. Clement Freud has a point and he has un 24 seconds for the best day of my life starting now.
CF: Shortly afternoon the public conveyance, on which I was mounted, pulled in...
NP: Peter Jones has challenged you, why?
PJ: Well he keeps mounting these conveyances! It doesn't seem right! I think on a breakfast of grape nuts which he admitted he had, he couldn't er even attempt it!
NP: You've given a different connotation to the mounting now, haven't you Peter?
PJ: Well I...
NP: So what's your, what's your, what's your challenge?
PJ: Ah well, what cam I have? Deviousness, yes!
NP: No we've had the mounting, repetition, we've had the word mount before, didn't he?
NP: It's all so devious anyway.
PJ: It was all very devious.
NP: He's trying, he's trying to maintain actually that he's not being devious by using the word mounting a bus. So I disagree, Peter you have a point and you have...
CF: I didn't say I was on a bus.
NP: Yes it's all right, Peter Jones has a point, a well deserved point, and he's well in the game now, he has one point! And there are 17 seconds for you, the best day of my life Peter starting now.
PJ: The best day of my life will be tomorrow, when Clement Freud wakes me up on the telephone and tells me that I've won this game and congratulates me. And then flowers and fruit, baskets of them will arrive from Kenneth Williams, and then Andree Melly will arrive in person and we shall play a...
NP: Andree Melly has challenged you, why?
AM: Two arrives.
NP: You have a point. He arrived, you arrived twice which was too much for Peter. So you get a point, two seconds left for the best day of my life starting now.
AM: Is today, because I'm someone who lives for the moment...
NP: So Andree Melly was speaking then as the whistle went, she gained the extra point and she's crept up on Clement Freud which she may not have wanted to do. But she's now only one point behind him but Clement's still in the lead. And Clement it is your turn to begin, the subject, the animal I would be if I were not human. Can you have a little moment's thought and tell us in 60 seconds the animal I would be if I were not human starting now.
CF: The animal I would be, would be a hedgehog, because I could then not be mounted, which I understand is objectionable to the other members of the team. As a...
NP: Kenneth Williams why have you challenged?
KW: He seemed to come to a halt!
NP: He's so, he's so narked about this mounting business!
NP: He's so convinced that he's allowed to mount a bus when we think he shouldn't be astride it. He's going...
CF: You can mount a hairbrush!
NP: ... to prove it, very cleverly but unsuccessfully. Kenneth you have a correct challenge, a point and you have 44 seconds for the animal I would be if I were not human starting now.
KW: (speaking very slowly, drawing out the words) I would like to be, and I assume that's what this question really means, I would...
NP: Peter Jones has challenged you, why?
PJ: He's making three or four syllables out of one syllable words again!
PJ: Well it's a kind of way of hesitating without er stopping, making a noise!
APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE
NP: Would you like, would you like just to say hesitation?
PJ: Yes hesitation!
PJ: But I mean you can't...
NP: The audience... go no further Peter! Because the audience obviously agree with your challenge so...
PJ: Oh thank you very much!
NP: ...again... (laughs)
PJ: I would like to say that I do appreciate this, very kind of you all!
NP: So Peter Jones, the animal I would be if I were not human starting now.
PJ: I would be our children's cat. We feed her regularly, children open tins of...
NP: Kenneth Williams challenged.
KW: Well he said children twice.
NP: Yes he did say children before. Yes Kenneth I agree with that challenge, you take over the subject and there are 19 seconds for the animal I would be if I were not human starting now.
KW: A beautiful leopard with the natural grace those animals possess, inspire you to a greater degree than any other zoological specimen. (in fast parroty voice) I would like very much to be a parrot, I could talk like that all the time...
HUGE APPLAUSE AND LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE
NP: I must say Kenneth, you gained a lot of points on the animal thing. In fact everybody gained points on the animal question, but Kenneth Williams gained so many that he has now leapt into the lead alongside Clement Freud. It is Andree Melly turn to begin. Andree the subject is now the art of being feminine. So can you talk to us on the subject...
LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE
NP: Somebody has sensed what could happen in this round. Andree the art of being feminine, 60 seconds starting now.
AM: Smell nice, this is most important. And grooming, take particular care of your toenails, each and every one. There are many products on the market now, cosmetics, to make sure that you are alluring, feminine and charming at all times. But there are other things like a, your, chart... (makes raspberry noise)
NP: Peter Jones got in first. What was your challenge Peter?
PJ: Ah hesitation.
NP: An undoubted hesitation. Do you notice all these raspberries she blows when she hesitates?
AM: It's a reflex!
NP: Peter Jones you're creeping up, you have gained another point and you have 38 seconds on the art of being feminine starting now.
PJ: Well I'm all against the sexes polarising as they are, and getting more different. I want to bring them both together. And it's awfully important that women shouldn't rely on teasing and flirting and generally affecting helplessness when in fact...
NP: Andree Melly challenged.
AM: As a member of the Women's Lib, I absolutely resent this! And I object to that kind of thing, I call it completely devious!
NP: It probably is, but it wasn't deviating from the subject on the card.
AM: That is not being feminine.
NP: The art of being feminine can be interpreted in whichever way you like. And to Peter Jones, that's the way he sees it. It's obviously quite different to the way you see it. Before you hit him over the head for having different ideas to you, can I award him a point and continue with the game, 21 seconds on the art of being feminine Peter starting now.
PJ: Well I was saying that that's what it wasn't...
NP: Andree Melly challenged.
AM: Repetition, he said that's what he was saying.
NP: No he said that's what...
PJ: I wasn't saying!
NP: So he has another point... your emotions will take you into great trouble...
AM: No it's just because I'm so fond of him, I want him to get lots of points!
NP: You're obviously a very good actress too Andree. You, Peter has now 18 er, 18 points! He has 18 seconds to continue with the art of being feminine starting now.
PJ: And the one thing that the women...
NP: Clement Freud has challenged.
CF: I'm very fond of him as well, I would like him...
APPLAUSE AND LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE
NP: I'm almost tempted to award you a point for a good challenge instead of giving it to, a point... Clement Freud would like to give a point to Peter Jones! So we're all friends here so I'm sure it will be gratefully accepted. And he will continue with the subject for 17 seconds Peter, the art of being feminine starting now.
PJ: And the one thing that the Women's Lib people haven't been able to get across to the general public is the fact that men will be...
NP: Clement Freud has challenged.
CF: Repetition of fact.
NP: Yes there was more than one fact there. I can understand that having started again. You have to bring the fact in. I was wondering what the fact was actually, but still! Clement Freud has a point on this occasion and there are 11 seconds on the art of being feminine Clement starting now.
CF: Whereas a manifestation of femininity...
LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE
CF: ...could be...
NP: Peter Jones has challenged, why?
PJ: Hesitation. Long hesitation!
NP: Yes but I must er...
PJ: Kenneth Williams put his arm around him! I saw that!
NP: I was about to tell the listeners that that was what actually happened.
PJ: Well I'm sorry...
KW: It didn't happen, my arms on the back of this chair, it's not on him at all! What are you talking about!
NP: Kenneth was illustrating the art of being feminine right then.
PJ: Well I don't think Clement Freud...
NP: It completely inhibited Clement Freud and I think to be fair he was...
KW: Clement Freud's never been inhibited in his life! Only last week he told us about his adventures! That woman with the glass eye in the aisle! You've never been inhibited, have you, love?
NP: All right I'll tell you what I'll do, I will let the audience be the judge on this. If you think that it was unfair that Clement Freud was intimidated, shall I say, so he rather dried up and was challenged, if you think it's all within the game and he should have kept going irrespective, in other words, if you agree with Peter's challenge will you cheer. And if you disagree and you're on Clement Freud's side here, will you boo, and will you all do it together now.
CHEERS AND BOOS FROM THE AUDIENCE
NP: They feel that you should have kept going in spite of the intimidations Clement. So that means Peter Jones has another point and there are six seconds Peter on the art of being feminine starting now.
PJ: And so forget all this business of saying it with flowers and soft music in romantic restaurants...
NP: Peter Jones, the art of being feminine, has taken you into the lead! With Andree Melly aggressive help beside you, with the audience on your side, and Clement Freud being intimidated you got a number of points in that round and you now lead Clement Freud by two and the subject is now with you Kenneth Williams. And the subject for you now after that, the art of being feminine, the subject is power. Can you talk to us about that for 60 seconds starting now.
KW: This of course has been remarked upon, by Lord Acton, and nobody has expressed it in a better fashion, that absolute power corrupts absolutely. And this is an un... in.. en...
NP: Andree Melly challenged first.
NP: Yes alas. yes, he got tongue-tied, so it's hesitation. Forty-one seconds on power Andree starting now.
AM: This is something that men are particularly interested in, in public life, and sometimes in private. Something that we women don't quite understand. Why is it necessary for them to wield power? Is there something else lacking...
NP: Clement Freud has challenged, why?
CF: It was the third something.
NP: Yes the third something, I quite agree, there was something before. Twenty-five seconds for you Clement on power starting now.
CF: It has three prongs as opposed to an electric plug which only has two. I don't really understand the deeper points of electricity, but I'm always told that if you have an electric fire, a cooker, possibly an ironing board which works off the mains...
NP: Kenneth Williams you've challenged, why?
KW: Well it's utterly boring!
NP: It may be but he wasn't deviating from power.
KW: No, I just wanted to get a mark!
NP: Well I would be careful because everybody's very very close at this stage of the game. I disagree with your challenge, he does gain a point and there are seven seconds to continue with power starting now.
CF: We once lived in a bungalow which was DC. But we then got alternative current to the house...
NP: Well Clement Freud was speaking again when the whistle went, he got an extra point for Kenneth's er, challenge. So he now has a lead of one over Peter Jones at the end of that round. Kenneth and Andree are equal in third place just a little way behind. So it's very very exciting and I think we're getting towards the end of the show. But we certainly have time for one more round, Peter Jones, it's your turn to begin, the subject is happiness. can you talk to us about that for 60 seconds starting now.
PJ: Well I know it's something that you can't successfully find. You have to come across it when you're trying to do something else. In other words, it is a kind of by-product of a task or even some effort that one is making in the course of one's normal life, or abnormal if it so happens that it is er something that happened in that way...
NP: Oh I think they were very kind. But Clement Freud couldn't let it go any longer! You challenged, Clement, why?
NP: Of what?
NP: And something else, yes!
CF: And something else.
NP: Clement you have a point for a correct challenge, 35 seconds on happiness starting now.
CF: One of the saddest things about happiness is that it can't buy money! But there are other attributes which are equally distressing. For instance it doesn't matter how happy one is with Kenneth Williams sitting next to one, every now and again putting his left arm on to my left knee...
NP: Andree Melly has challenged.
AM: His left arm on his left knee.
CF: I had to do it for accuracy's sake!
NP: Fifteen seconds for Andree Melly having gained another point on happiness starting now.
AM: The important thing in life is to know when you've got it and appreciate it to the full. So many of us miss the opportunity and only afterwards...
NP: Peter Jones has challenged. Why?
PJ: Well she said so many of us miss the opportunity. Now who is she speaking for?
NP: You think it's devious because er...
PJ: Well I don't want to be in that category. I don't feel I have missed these opportunities. I mean, there haven't been very many but believe me, I've always taken them with both hands!
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE
NP: In other words, you, you think it is devious to say that so many people miss the opportunity.
PJ: Well of course! So many of us, she said! So many of us! So she means you as well, you know! And old Freud there! And Kenneth!
NP: So you think that the majority of people don't miss the opportunities?
PJ: Absolutely, I think very often...
NP: So on that basis you have a correct challenge then...
PJ: Ah! Thank you very much! Good!
NP: So you have a point...
PJ: What's the subject?
NP: Don't give yourself away Peter! There are three seconds on happiness with you Peter Jones starting now.
PJ: It's a wonderful thing!
NP: Happiness is indeed a wonderful thing. And we enjoy it very much and we find it here on Just A Minute. And it's a very happy moment today because, well, I'll tell you the score in reverse order. Kenneth Williams was only just in fourth place. Andree Melly was only one point ahead in third place. Clement Freud was a few points ahead but he was alongside our winner who has played the game less than anybody else, Peter Jones, joint winners this week, Peter Jones and Clement Freud. Thank you very much for joining us on this particular edition of Just A Minute. from all of us here good-bye.
ANNOUNCER: The chairman of Just A Minute was Nicholas Parsons, the programme was devised by Ian Messiter and produced by David Hatch.