JAM:KWilliams,CFreud,PJones,AMelly
WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE!

starring KENNETH WILLIAMS, CLEMENT FREUD, PETER JONES and ANDREE MELLY, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 21 October 1974)


THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: We present Kenneth Williams, Clement Freud, Peter Jones and Andree Melly in Just A Minute. And as the Minute Waltz fades away here to tell you about it is our chairman Nicholas Parsons.

NICHOLAS PARSONS: Thank you, thank you very much indeed. Hello and welcome once again to Just A Minute. And as usual I'm going to ask our four competitors to speak if they can for Just A Minute on some subject I will give them without hesitation, without repetition and without deviating from the subject on the card. And this week we'll begin the show with Kenneth Williams. Kenneth, can you talk on the subject of getting wound up. Something that you've never been known to do in this programme! Can you talk about it if possible for 60 seconds starting now.

KENNETH WILLIAMS: Well I suppose this really refers to the winding up of mechanical things. You can't wind up a person. I suppose it could be taken to mean that you could get so passionate, carried away with some sort of, you know, emotion, that you became almost inarticulate in the process. I suppose I have been...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CLEMENT FREUD: The third I suppose.

NP: Yes. All right, you let the second one go very generously, and you challenged him on that. I agree with the challenge, you get a point for a correct challenge Clement. You take the subject and there are 42 seconds on getting wound up starting now.

CF: I used to have a watch which was part...

BUZZ

NP: And Andree Melly has challenged.

ANDREE MELLY: Hesitation.

NP: You have a point Andree, 38 seconds, getting wound up starting now.

AM: I get really wound up when I'm in the presence of someone famous and distinguished like Kenneth Williams. I mean my hands go all sweaty and my feet go a bit smelly and I blush and can;t do what I have to do. I mean he talks, he does it all. And you can just stand there and look at him and come over all queer. And oh it's lovely and I'm really wound up. But...

BUZZ

NP: Ah Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Repetition.

NP: Of what?

CF: Coming over all queer.

NP: Um well she only came over all queer once. But there was a repetition of coming over. So um er Clement you have the subject and 16 seconds on getting wound up starting now.

CF: I now have one that is totally magnetic. There is no winding, nothing to do with a mechanism. Simply look at it and get a tiny magnet, hold it to one side of the copper bottom frame and by applying it...

WHISTLE

NP: As usual the whistle tells us that 60 seconds are up. And whoever is speaking at that moment gains an extra point. It was Clement Freud who now at the end of the first round has three points. Andree Melly has one, the other two have yet to score. Clement your turn to begin, the subject, the perfect secretary. Can you talk about her for Just A Minute starting now.

CF: I'm not all sure that the perfect secretary actually exists. Because I have for many years often, frequently, now and then, advertised for just such a human being, without a great deal of success. I have written no smoking...

BUZZ

NP: Andree Melly.

AM: I thought there was a hesitation after the written.

NP: No, no, he was keeping going quite...

AM: Was there not? Oh I'm sorry.

CF: I did breathe!

AM: Well yes!

NP: So an incorrect challenge, Clement, you get a point for that and you have 44 seconds to continue with the perfect secretary starting now.

CF: And it is quite essential that she has good feet.

BUZZ

CF: That was a pause!

NP: Yes and Andree Melly got in first.

AM: A hesitation.

NP: A hesitation, I agree. So the feet have got you in there and you have 39 seconds for a perfect secretary Andree starting now.

AM: I think that the perfect secretary should have a squint, be around about 52, with sticky out feet and knock knees. Most wives will agree that this is, more or less, the perfect secretary. Someone who can be a stone wall for your husband where ah...

BUZZ

NP: And Kenneth Williams challenged.

KW: Well I was coming to the rescue really. I thought you were running out, dear! Yes running out she was!

NP: With what she said on a perfect secretary, I could quite agree that she should run out. There are 17 seconds for you Kenneth on the perfect secretary starting now.

KW: She should be well groomed. Also proficient at taking down dictation. There's a great deal...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PETER JONES: Hesitation.

NP: I quite agree, once he'd taken something down, he hesitated! So Peter you have a point and nine seconds to continue with a perfect secretary starting now.

PJ: The perfect secretary should be above all else private and unobtrusive. She should glide in and out of the office...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Repetition of should.

NP: Yes you've got in with a correct challenge, you have a point and you start now.

CF: Shorthand typewriting...

WHISTLE

NP: At the end of that round Clement Freud increased his lead over all the others. Peter Jones will you begin the next round and the subject, faulty equipment starting now.

PJ: Well I'm not sure whether listeners realise, but that is a considerable disadvantage in a game of this kind. When you're absolutely dependent on the mechanical features of it, and the scoring, the light flashing, and the acoustics of the hall. The present audience of course contributes enormously to such a success if one ever achieves it, I don't know whether I will. But I never have actually kept going for 60 seconds on the subject of equipment or anything else! And I doubt very much whether I will now. However I'm going to attempt it because all these, this gear in other words, it's called, I mean, the engineers have spent days probably studying their jobs! And here they are and this is a field day for them when they've got a very elaborate arrangement of wires and lights and magnets and carbon things inside the things that amplify our voices, send them out all over the country and in fact abroad as well very often. Australia, New Zealand, Malaya, they are fans of ours all over the world. And they enjoy it because we have perfect equipment normally. But when it's faulty, it is a tremendous disadvantage to me personally, because it does depress me. It makes me hesitant and inclined to pause before I find the right word. And even to deviate from the subject which has been given to me by our chairman. Is it about an hour and a half?

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE

BUZZ

KW: I challenge for deviation.

NP: Kenneth Williams buzzed then to let you off the hook as he had been going for exactly 90 seconds!

PJ: There! Even the clock's wrong!

LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: Yes...

PJ: What?

NP: Well um erm um Peter you were going so well. We give you two points for speaking for 60 seconds.

PJ: Thanks very much.

NP: I'm sure the audience response will give you a bonus point for going the extra 30. And I would like to give you a bonus point for your witty reply! Let's give you three points for that Peter and at the end of that round, you're in second place. Um Andree it's your turn to begin, the subject is my trouble. You can take that any way you like, and you talk about it if you can for Just A Minute starting now.

AM: Well my trouble is that I can't say no. I've never been able to. It's got me in frightful trouble in the past. You see, I'm very sweet and kind. I don't like to hurt people's feelings. And it is a great difficulty to me. I suppose the truth is that I'm rather weak and soppy and so I'm easily taken advantage of. I go into a shop and those dreadful serve women. I just want a blue dress and I come out with a red one, costing double, that I don't like at all, because I can't say...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Repetition of because.

NP: Yes you have 35 seconds on my trouble starting now.

PJ: My trouble is that my mind wanders and doesn't respond immediately to the cue word that Nicholas Parsons gives me. I'm not able to recall these anecdotes that in the normal way I'm able to come out with, in pubs or other places. Perhaps it is the situation in which I find myself causes this trouble, I don't know. Ah...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: I challenged on trouble which is the word...

NP: Trouble is the word so an incorrect challenge...

CF: I'm sorry.

NP: And Peter has another point and he has 12 seconds left on my trouble starting now.

PJ: Well it's not very important I know. It's not a great...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: Deviation, it is important! Everything he says is important!

PJ: My trouble's not important! My trouble, my trouble, in comparison with the troubles all over the world is insignificant!

NP: But give Kenneth a bonus point because the audience liked the, the...

PJ: Well they like Kenneth! They could give a lot of points!

NP: But...

PJ: They like all of us! We all adore each other! It's a mutual love match between us!

NP: And that's what they come for! When the defences are down! Peter you weren't deviating from the subject of my trouble, you have seven seconds left starting now.

PJ: If I listed all the disadvantages I came into the world possessing, I could not really claim that...

WHISTLE

NP: On this occasion Peter Jones was talking when the whistle went, so he gained that extra point. And at the end of the round he has taken the lead. One ahead of Clement Freud, and five ahead of Andree and Kenneth Williams who are equal in third place. Kenneth we're back with you. Would you talk on the subject of Sir Joseph Wilson Swann. That is what Ian Messiter's thought of for you, can you talk about him for Just A Minute starting now.

KW: Joseph Wilson Swann invented this electric light bulb, you see. He done it about 1860, which means he was before Edison. And he came from Sunderland of all places. To think if you travel to that incredible city, that there was a man who not only invented this, but he also done the incredible thing of artificial silk before anyone else had thought of it...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud challenged.

KW: He done... eh?

CF: We’ve had two inventeds and three dones.

KW: Well he done, he invented two lots of things, you see.

NP: Clement you have a correct challenge and there are 33 seconds left for you on Sir Joseph Wilson Swann starting now.

CF: One of the most memorable things about Sir Joseph Wilson Swann is the number of signets which Lady Swann provided him with! All over the north east of England, Darlington, Gateshead, Sunderland, Newcastle. Of course the great thing about Sir Joseph were his matches. And they had...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has...

KW: Deviation, Sir Joseph Swann was nothing to do with matches.

CF: Of all the light bulbs, he had the matches!

NP: I agree with Kenneth's challenge and there are nine seconds Kenneth on Sir Joseph Wilson Swann starting now.

KW: Well on the occasion of his knighthood he was actually to receive, not at Buckingham Palace, but at St James's. And he knelt in order to receive...

WHISTLE

NP: Clement your turn to begin, and the subject, insatiability. Can you talk on that, about that for Just A Minute starting now.

CF: Insatiability means an inability to get enough. For instance, if you were talking about Sir Joseph Wilson Swann, and all you actually intended to portray was here was a humble fellow who invented matches and somebody comes along and says "in nineteen hundred and four he did this, and in eighteen hundred and ninety-six he was saying the same as Sir Julian Mann..."

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones.

PJ: Repetition of eighteen hundred.

CF: In nineteen hundred and four he did this, and in eighteen hundred.

PJ: A hundred then.

NP: A hundred.

PJ: People were laughing, I couldn't hear terribly well!

NP: There are 35 seconds for you Peter on insatiability starting now.

PJ: Yes well it's all to do with some absolutely in, oh whatever...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams.

KW: Well it was all falling away, with there, you...

PJ: Gone entirely.

KW: It fell away, didn't it.

NP: He's not able to be insatiable in this game. There are 30 seconds left for you Kenneth on insatiability starting now.

KW: It's opportune that this subject is raised. Because showing in our city is a film on this very problem. And it depicts a scene whereby these people are gathered together and overdoing it in every way! So much so that the body blows up like a balloon...

BUZZ

KW: ...and there's a terrible explosion and an appalling... what?

NP: Clement Freud has challenged before the blow-up!

CF: Repetition.

NP: Of what?

CF: So much so!

NP: So much so, oh a very tough challenge, but I have to allow it if you're going to do it. And so there are nine seconds left for insatiability starting now.

CF: It isn't very hard to talk about insatiability for nine seconds. You hardly get sufficient time to explain the full plethora...

WHISTLE

NP: At the end of that round Clement Freud has a lead of two over Peter Jones and Kenneth's in third place, Andree in fourth place. And Peter your turn to begin. Oh a rather cute subject, what I'm thinking about. Can you talk for Just A Minute about what I'm thinking about starting now.

PJ: Well I'm thinking about my childhood in Shropshire, the rolling hills and green pastures which I love so much, and the twinkling streams. And the school I attended with the classrooms, the playground and...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams.

KW: Deviation, you couldn't have attended a school with classrooms, you must have attended them on your own. You couldn't have gone with the classrooms.

PJ: Well I couldn't have attended a school without classrooms!

NP: So...

PJ: Could I?

NP: Peter Jones, an incorrect challenge, so you still have the subject and you have 44 seconds, what I'm thinking about starting now.

PJ: And the playing fields where no doubt many of today's battles were lost. All the old masters march across my closed eyes as I sit back and recall them. Bretherton, Fothergill, Ashley, Cuthbert, McDonald, Newbolt, Benson, Hedges...

LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE

PJ: ...and some of the boys too. Wilbur (laughs) and Hazelworth, Llewellyn...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Hesitation.

NP: Yes I think there was definitely a hesitation.

PJ: There was a hesitation yes.

NP: Very generous with you Peter. Clement got in, there are nine seconds left for Clement on what I'm thinking about starting now.

CF: What I'm thinking about are my poets of my youth. Faulkner, Shakespeare, the literate...

WHISTLE

NP: At the end of that round Clement Freud increased his lead and we're now back with Andree Melly to start. What I thought you said is one of those devious subjects which Ian Messiter's thought of for you to talk about if you can Andree starting now.

AM: What I thought you said was that you couldn't come for the weekend and were sending your mother instead. Well I knew it was a very bad line and I said that I'd ring you back. Because, very fond as I am of that particular parent, I didn't actually want her this time and at the end of this particular week in which you are coming. So if...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: Hesitation I thought.

NP: Oh yes definitely.

NP: So Kenneth a point to you and 37 seconds, what I thought you said starting now.

KW: Well he's your kid as well, though looking at you I sometimes wonder! What's that? I say, looks bad enough for thunder. Could be the sort of remark that occasions I thought that was what you said. In other words, it implies a misapprehension. A interpretation that was in fact incorrect. Unfortunately, language is often capable of making these mistakes. We often use words...

BUZZ

NP: And Andree Melly challenged.

AM: Two oftens.

NP: Yes, what I thought you said is back with you Andree and there are 10 seconds left starting now.

AM: Oh what I thought you said is a load of rubbish. I mean I'm sitting here only too willing to enjoy all those beautiful words that drop from your list. But what were you on about just then? That's what I...

WHISTLE

NP: Kenneth we're back with you and the subject is, oh another nice one. What I'm hiding. Can you talk on that subject for 60 seconds starting now.

KW: I am hiding what most actors are hiding. Under the facade we are hiding always a deep sense of inadequacy and inferiority. I think...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: I don't think he's hiding it!

NP: Peter we give you a bonus point for a good challenge. But as he wasn't deviating from the subject, we leave it with Kenneth who has 45 and a half seconds on what I'm hiding, start again if you can Kenneth now.

KW: Well when he makes a crack like that, one is forced to join in. Out of the mouths of babes comes forth wisdom. And indeed it is true. But we must return, what am I hiding? Don't clothes hide the most impressionable things that we have? Why do we choose this garb...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Why why.

NP: I know but it was so lovely.

CF: It was lovely.

NP: I wish he'd go on.

CF: Go on...

NP: A correct challenge...

CF: I'll take a point for a clever challenge and let him go on.

NP: It wasn't as clever as all that!

CF: No, it wasn't as clever...

PJ: It wasn't a clever challenge at all! Any fool could have challenged on that!

NP: Clement Freud has 19 seconds to try and win Just A Minute, and what I'm hiding starting now.

CF: What I'm hiding is my natural reluctance to win Just A Minute. For which reason I press my buzzer in order to stop Kenneth Williams from exposing himself to the world without clothes or shoes or socks. Simply a mind rampant with ideas. The extraordinary...

WHISTLE

NP: At the end of that round, Clement Freud again speaking when the whistle went again got the extra point. And he's increased his lead. And er Clement we're back with you, the subject is the best thing to do. Talk about that one now if you can starting now.

CF: The best thing to do is to grab her by the ears, and put your foot on her nose, slowly dismantling her pantyhose from the knee down towards the toe. Her ankle is another...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: I think this is disgraceful! What are we on about? I mean, it sounds as though he's undressing some girl, doesn't it! With his foot in her face! It's horrible!

NP: I think that's the worst thing you can do,

KW: Yes! So deviation...

CF: Speak for yourself!

KW: Eh? Good gracious me! It's a family show!

NP: Yes!

KW: Grabbing her ears and bashing her face in! It's disgraceful!

NP: Kenneth you have 43 seconds to continue on the best thing to do starting now.

KW: It was said far far...

BUZZ

NP: Oh! Clement Freud you have a challenge.

CF: Repetition.

NP: Yes! Forty-one seconds, the best thing to do Clement starting now.

CF: This is a far ditto better thing that I have done that I have ever achieved prior to this moment, was in the Tale of Two Cities. A very boring man, I thought, called Sidney Carten or possibly Carson, maybe Carter, perhaps Cartwright...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: Deviation, his name was carson, not maybe Carten or Carter or Cartwright.

NP: But ah it was a conjecture. It's got nothing to do with the best thing to do though has it.

KW: No that's right! That's what I meant to say, yes!

NP: So you have 24 seconds on the best thing to do Kenneth starting now.

KW: The best thing to do is open those windows that were nailed shut with bigotry and ignorance. Let in the love, let in the light and the fresh air. And renew yourself spiritually. Take your mind off the material things of this world. Deny yourself food and let the stomach reassure itself in leisure. Let it discover...

WHISTLE

NP: Well Kenneth Williams speaking as the whistle went got an extra point. He's moving up on Peter Jones who's still a few points behind our leader Clement Freud. Peter your turn to begin, the subject, life on a lighthouse. I don't know whether you've been on one but can you talk on the subject for Just A Minute starting now.

PJ: Well life on a lighthouse is not nearly as difficult nowadays as it used to be with the arrival of helicopters, because one can be taken off the lead fairly frequently. Of course a lot would depend on the company of people with whom I would be sharing this abode in the middle of the ocean. I imagine it to be some distance from the land and not actually on the edge of a cliff or somewhere, in the centre of the ocean in fact...

BUZZ

NP: And Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Two oceans.

NP: Yes, I'm afraid the ocean came back again Peter. Life on a lighthouse Clement, 34 seconds starting now.

CF: Life on a lighthouse is something which I'm particularly well placed to talk about or review. Because from the age of nine to 14, I went to a school within hailing distance of a lighthouse which was near Lundy. Each morning, lunchtime, early afternoon, dusk, evening and then again at night, it twinkled, short, long, medium, erstwhile, everlasting, soft. This was a code by which boats or ships...

WHISTLE

NP: I'm afraid we have no more time to play Just A Minute. So let me give you the final score. Andree Melly finished in fourth place. Kenneth Williams finished in a very strong third place just behind Peter Jones. But they were both way behind this week's winner, Clement Freud! We do hope you've enjoyed this edition of Just A Minute, from all of us here good-bye!

THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: The chairman of Just A Minute was Nicholas Parsons, the programme was devised by Ian Messiter and produced by John Lloyd.