WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE!
starring KENNETH WILLIAMS, CLEMENT FREUD, PETER JONES and ANDREE MELLY chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 9 March 1976)
NOTE: Andree Melly's last appearance, John Lloyd's last show as producer.
ANNOUNCER: We present Kenneth Williams, Clement Freud, Peter Jones and Andree Melly in Just A Minute. And as the Minute Waltz fades away, here to tell you about it is our chairman, Nicholas Parsons.
NICHOLAS PARSONS: Thank you, thank you very much, hello and welcome to Just A Minute. And as you just heard we welcome back Andree Melly who will again try and do battle with our three regular and tough competitors of the game. And they're going to try and speak for Just A Minute as usual on a subject I will give them without repetition, without hesitation and without deviating from the subject on the card. And we'll begin the show this week with Kenneth Williams. Kenneth, the subject, fascinations. Will you tell us something about that in Just A Minute starting now.
KENNETH WILLIAMS: These are the sort of wiles that are exercised by human beings on others and to a certain extent by nature upon humanity itself. Now the old period which we now know as Victoriana produced things like a fascinator which was worn by a lady. They would say "go on, put it on girl, show 'em it", and they would do so...
NP: Ah, Peter Jones has challenged.
PETER JONES: Repetition of girl.
NP: Yes there was ando so Peter you have a correct challenge, you take over the subject...
KW: I didn't say girl twice.
ANDREE MELLY: No.
NP: If I've made a mistake, I will put it to the audience. Will you please cheer for Peter if he's right and boo for Kenneth if he was wrong and all do it together now.
BOOS AND CHEERS
NP: Well they've all decided that he didn't say it and I'm sorry. I wasn't concentrating as much as I have to usually. Kenneth there was an incorrect challenge so you get a point for that and you keep the subject and there are 40 seconds on fascinations starting now.
KW: It took the form of eye makeup very often as an alluring form of fascination...
NP: Um, Clement Freud.
CLEMENT FREUD: Two forms.
NP: Yes. Fascinations Clement is now with you, a correct challenge, a point to you, 33 seconds left starting now.
CF: Fascinations always make me think of pumpkins. I don't know why it is. But that yellow flesh, those orange coloured pips, and the pie which is...
NP: Ah Kenneth Williams.
KW: Deviation. I see no connection between pumpkins and fascinations whatsoever! And I don't think the general public do either!
CF: Whatever turns you on!
NP: Well he did establish to him, it made him think of fascinations. It's a very bizarre thought but he's a bizarre fellow! So let's carry on with the show! There are 21 seconds left starting now.
CF: I also find banana milkshakes absolutely fascinating. That compulsive mixture of honey, taht fruit that comes from the Indies which I'm not meant to mention again, otherwise it would be repetition, and milk put into a liquidiser and whizzed for...
NP: Peter Jones.
PJ: Repetition of milk.
CF: No, milkshake is hyphenated.
NP: I'm afraid he's right Peter.
PJ: Oh I see.
NP: And so you have six seconds to continue on fascinations starting now.
CF: I know a woman called Maud Postlethwaite who is fascinated by Yorkshire pudding. She comes from Scunthorpe which is...
NP: Well the rather offbeat subject of fascinations helped Clement Freud to get a great deal of points in that round including one for speaking as the whistle went which tells us that 60 seconds are up. And Peter Jones we're now going to hear from you. The subject: things I forget. Will you tell us something about that in Just A Minute starting now.
PJ: Oh Thingamybob of course is one of them and I'm never able to recall very clearly people's names, faces or the addresses of the theatres where I'm engaged to appear, the parts that I am paid to play or in fact the personalities of the other performers. Which does give me a tremendous disadvantage in the particular profession which I have chosen. And other things which I would like to be able to tell you about which I can't recall are numerous but too numerous to even...
NP: Ah, Andree Melly.
AM: Repetition of numerous.
NP: Yes they were so numerous he repeated it. And Andree you now have 25 seconds to talk about the things I forget starting now.
AM: The things I forget are that I have said one word more than once in Just A Minute. If I didn't forget them, I wouldn't do it and would score lots of points and Clement Freud would never win. What's absolutely maddening is that he seldom forgets what he's said...
NP: And Clement Freud challenged.
CF: Repetition of points.
NP: Yes. No, you didn't, no, no...
CF: Yes she did, earlier on. I let it go on a bit.
NP: When did she say?
AM: As I was talking about things I forget I'm allowed to say points twice as a way of showing I forget what I've said before!
NP: Thank you for being so honest Andree.
AM: Thank you.
NP: Clement you have six seconds to talk about the things I forget starting now.
CF: I rarely forget the things that I forget because I can't remember them. Having failed to...
NP: Well once again Clement Freud was speaking when the whistle went. He also got that point and a few others, and he's in a very strong lead. Clement, it's your turn to begin, and the subject is retorts. Sixty seconds starting now.
CF: The sort of retort which I'm very fond of is "what did you say?" But "speak up a bit" and "I couldn't hear you" are quite high on my list of apposite, intelligent and searching, telling retorts. I knew a man whose name I can't remember...
NP: Ah, Kenneth Williams.
KW: Deviation. In not one of the retorts he has mentioned is there anything profound...
NP: Searching... Yes I quite agree.
KW: Speak up a bit. It's not searching at all! A load of rubbish!
NP: Kenneth I agree with your challenge.
KW: Thank you.
NP: Wake up! let's have something exciting from you on retorts with 42 seconds left starting now.
KW: One that springs readily to my mind is when Johnson was dining at Oxford and Dr Adams said "do you not think sir that life is often boring?" and the worthy doctor replied "yes, especially when one's sitting next to you!" Hahahahahahaha! That always makes me fall about. Of course there has been so many of these brilliant aphorisms recorded! One thinks immediately of course of that poor old...
NP: Ah Clement Freud.
CF: The third of course.
NP: I'm afraid there were.
KW: Yeah well there were loads of ands in his but we don't pick him up for it! If you're going to start picking up on these little individual words, we'll pick him up on everything he says as well!
NP: Of course is two words, and is only one, and we don't bother with ands. I do of course. So Clement retorts is back to you and 17 seconds left starting now.
CF: I think one of the most memorable retorts came in Central Africa in the year 1893 when a native Asigi tribesman saw a...
NP: Ah, Peter Jones.
PJ: He wasn't an Asigi tribesman.
NP: No, because that's the thing they throw. So Peter you have retorts and you have six seconds left starting now.
PJ: You've got cloth ears! Can't you read! It takes one to know! And things like that are the...
NP: Kenneth, we're back with you to start, and the subject William Morris. will you tell us something about him in Just A Minute starting now.
KW: A designer, a painter, poet, translator, a man who organised hundreds of benevolent welfare schemes and is the founder of the Socialist League of Great Britain. One of the most underrated figures of the late Victorian period. I think the lines he writes about the Hasdach in the floods are among the most moving passages in English litreature and I am delighted to find that Francis Turner Hallgrave thought fit to include them in his remarkably beautiful anthology. "Say but one prayer for me twixt thy closed lips" ending with that wonderful "Over the tender bowed locks of the cord". It never fails to produce in me emotions of great...
NP: Well once again Kenneth Williams started with a subject and finished with it. Once he gets his teeth into history there's no stopping him! You get a point for...
PJ: It just seemed rather bad taste to interrupt, you see!
AM: Yes, yes.
PJ: That's the difficulty!
NP: I know but when did good taste ever come into Just A Minute? Ah, let us continue with the programme and Andree Melly, it's your turn to begin. The subject is scales. Will you talk about that in Just A Minute starting now.
AM: Well, there are the kinds of scales that are concerned with weight. Those...
NP: Kenneth Willimas has challenged.
NP: Yes there was indeed and scales is now with you Kenneth with 49 seconds left starting now.
KW: They are held in the hand of the figure of justice over the Central Criminal Court known colloquially as the Old Bailey. Now that figure which underneath...
NP: Ah Andree Melly.
AM: Two figures.
NP: There were two figures, yes.
KW: What a shame because I was dying to say this about this woman!
AM: Oh take it!
NP: Perhaps you'll get another chance.
KW: All right!
NP: Scales is back to you Andree, 37 seconds left starting now.
AM: There's the kind you find on fish and in the...
NP: Ah, Clement Freud.
CF: Repetition of kind.
NP: Yes, scales is back with you Clement starting, sorry it's not back with you, it's with you for the first time, 34 seconds left starting now.
CF: The musical one of which my daughter Emma is probably the principal exponent is do re me la fa...
NP: Andree Melly challenged.
AM: Deviation, it isn't la fa!
NP: No, it isn't! But to his daughter Emma it might be because that...
KW: Don't be ridiculous! His daughter Emma is a highly intelligent child, she would never say fa la!
NP: I am going to decide because she is so intelligent...
KW: You don't have to decide! I'm telling you what's what mate!
NP: Well why don't you come up here for a bit and I'll sit down there!
KW: No, I'm .... well, yes, I wouldn't mind the money, I'll tell you that! He's on a very good screw I can tell you!
NP: I'm working up towards what Kenneth Williams gets!
KW: I can't afford all those trips to Carnaby Street! Look at the tie and the gear!
NP: if you want to know I was awarded that...
KW: Oh! Here we go!
NP: I was given it when they voted me tie man of the year. That went down like a bomb! They were deeply unimpressed! It goes down well on radio, ties! So let's go back to scales, and I believe Clement's daughter is so talented, she wouldn't get her scales muddled so Andree your challenge was correct, and you have 26 seconds to talk about it starting now.
AM: Fa sol la ti do was what he meant to say!
NP: Ah Kenneth Williams.
KW: We've already had this mistake so it's no good repeating it!
NP: No, she's...
KW: She's repeating it! She's repeating it! It was already discussed!
NP: You go too far sometimes!
KW: Nonsense! It was... what?
NP: You go too far!
KW: In what sense?
NP: Far sol la ti do! And listen...
KW: They're all groaning here!
NP: Well I was trying to help you...
KW: Oh that's very sweet of you!
NP: Andree we're still with you and there are 23 seconds left on scales starting now.
AM: In the wintertime you want to get in the bath. Get one of those scrubbing brushes and really get down to it...
NP: Ah Kenneth Williams.
KW: Irrelevant! Deviation! Scrubbing brushes have nothing to do with scales!
NP: I think she was working up to the fact that she...
KW: Working up! Look at her! Working up! It's like she's dropped off! Working up!
NP: I think she's more worked up than she usually is and you're overworked, overworked up, you're over stimulated. But I'm going to give it to you. Maybe it will calm you down a bit. She was working towards talking about scales in the bath but she didn't get there soon enough so you challenged before and Kenneth you now have the subject with 18 seconds left starting now.
KW: They're like a mother of pearl on the outside of the fish. You see them in this horror picture, they're like under water monsters. Awful things great scaley creatures. And all of this stuff has got to be scraped off because if you buy it in a fish shop you don't want to cook them with all that stuff on them...
NP: Ah Peter Jones.
PJ: Repetition of fish.
KW: I thought I said fishy the second time.
PJ: Fish shop you said the second time, fish shop.
KW: Oh well, I'll accept your word for it! I mean I'm a gentleman! If you think I said it, I'll believe you!
NP: The most important thing is you have to accept my word! And there are five seconds left for Peter Jones to talk about scales starting now.
PJ: They can be tampered with! You can put your thumb on one side while you've got a paper...
NP: Peter you were speaking when the whistle went, you gained an extra point. You're still in third place with Andree Melly. And Kenneth is just ahead of you. But Clement Freud is way out in the lead and he's going to begin the next round of the game. The subject: poliology. Clement will you tell us something about that in Just A Minute starting now.
CF: Philology is the study of words. Therefore poliology is likely to be multi-phrases, love of, but could quite simply be also something which you put into window frames if you have no putty or vabilene, as a result of which the glass is very likely to fall out and hurt your...
NP: Um, Andree Melly.
AM: Two likelys there.
NP: Yes. Andree on your challenge you were correct so you have 40 seconds on polology starting now.
AM: I do just happen to know what poliology means. I would love to tell Clement. It is the study of domestic parrots and was told me to by somebody..
NP: Clement Freud.
CF: Tisn't! Deviation!
NP: Correct, you're quite right. I agree with your challenge Clement and so you take over the subject and you have 26 seconds, poliology, starting now.
CF: But if you were to get a domestic parrot and teach him scales....
KW: Deviation. You see the subject is poliology and he's now discussing parrots. We don't want that!
NP: Yes but he did start off by saying if you were.
KW: Yes, you could start off a lot of subjects by saying if you were. We could all be doing that forever couldn't we? We've only got 60 seconds, haven't we! We'd be here all night!
NP: But I think he only went for three seconds so he should be allowed to establish whether there's any connection between that and poliology. So we'll let him continue and there are 18 seconds left starting now.
CF: A musical scale like do re mi fa sol la ti, that would be poliological because the bird in his cage would normally simply...
NP: Ah, Kenneth Williams.
KW: Well, it wouldn't be poliological if you went do re mi fa sol la ti.
NP: No. It certainly wouldn't be.
NP: It means loquacity and you're talking about singing and so I agree with Kenneth's challenge. Poloiology is with you Kenneth and there are 14 seconds left starting now.
KW: Well of course it is obvious to anyone that poli is the plurality and the logos from the word the study of. And thus garrulousness, the ability to in many forms discuss...
NP: And you'll be pleased to hear that Kenneth Williams is gaining on our leader Clement Freud and he's also going to begin the next round. The subject is what I enjoyed most about this series. Kenneth, so can you tell us something about that starting now.
KW: What I enjoyed most about this series is the opportunity it gives for my dulcet tones to be heard enlightening everyone from London to Lagos. The BBC transmitter has the power to reach the ears of poli, poli, poli...
KW: I meant you know, the different kinds of audience! Hahahahahahahahahaha! Oh dearie, oh me! It's a funny thing!
NP: You were looking for the poli!
KW: I was undone by my own loquacity!
NP: Yes, your own poliology pulled you down!
KW: That's what it's done you see! Yes!
NP: And you were looking for a new ploy! Right, Andree, you were the one to challenge and you have 39 seconds on what I enjoyed most about this series starting now.
AM: What I enjoy most about this series is finding Kenneth Williams getting his nickers in a twist and being completely unable to carry on! Because one thinks of him as someone who...
NP: Who challenged?
KW: Deviation. I challenged because everybody here would agree with me I've not got nickers on!
NP: Well Kenneth I can only give a decision if you will illustrate whether you have or not!
KW: I can't! I can't! It's not within the realms of decency! The producer would have me on the carpet immediately!
PJ: Chance is a fine thing!
NP: Who said radio wasn't a visual medium? I'm going to ask the audience to be the judge here. If you think Kenneth has got his nickers on, or better still to be fair if you think Kenneth gets his nickers in a twist, then you cheer for him, and if you think he doesn't get them in a twist, then you boo for Andree Melly and you all do it together now.
BOOS AND CHEERS
NP: You boo so you believe that Andree Melly's right when she says he gets his nickers in a twist. So Andre keeps the subject and she has 29 seconds left starting now.
AM: What I enjoy even more is the wonderful dignity with which Kenneth Williams does...
AM: Kenneth Williams!
NP: Clement Freud.
CF: Repetition of Kenneth Williams.
KW: There can't be enough of Kenneth Williams! What are you talking about! Don't allow it! Give him a point for a good challenge but let the girl keep it!
NP: No I would give it to you if I gave it to anybody because you just said we can't have enough of Kenneth Williams. But it was a correct challenge and so Clement you take it over and there are 23 seconds left starting now.
CF: What I've enjoyed most about this series is sitting next to Kenneth Williams. Having those wet clammy hands grope my knee every now and again....
NP: Andree Melly's challenged.
AM: Hesitation and deviation and anything else you can think of!
NP: Yes. And no doubt the audience have gone very quiet haven't they, as you try to think of something else! What I enjoyed most about this series, 10 seconds left Andree starting now.
AM: What I've enjoyed most about this series is beeing given the point by Nicholas Parsons for an absolutely splendid challenge. And here I am with these three men on this panel who...
NP: Peter Jones has challenged.
PJ: Repetition of panel.
NP: Yes you got in just before the 60 seconds! Half a second Peter, what I enjoyed most about this series, starting now.
PJ: Well, it's...
NP: And I don't think we'll ever know what Peter enjoyed most because we're going to move to the next round which I'm sure will have to be the final one. It's a very apt one. Clement Freud will you begin it. The subject is making an exit. Just a minute to talk about it starting now.
CF: I'm not myself a great do-it-yourself chap and have a great deal of admiration for...
NP: Andree Melly.
AM: Two selfs.
NP: Yes. Making an exit with you Andree, 55 seconds left starting now.
AM: It's something that I'm really not capable of doing....
PJ: He said myself and yourself! Do-it-yourself...
KW: Be quiet, Andree was speaking! How dare you interrupt a lady! Are you no gentleman? You're no gentleman is he? And all in front of a lady! Like that...
PJ: I thought I'd made that plain on Just A Minute or anywhere else!
NP: But Peter the thing is that Clement's way in the lead...
AM: Oh no!
NP: ... and Andree's only been on the show once before...
KW: And she's a lady!
AM: I don't want charity!
NP: We want to make a nice finish...
KW: Where's your gallantry?
PJ: I know, I know!
NP: So I decided to give it to Andree and I think the audience would agree...
NP: Well done, that's right, so there we are. So I made a correct decision...
PJ: Oh I feel dreadful now, I mean it's appalling!
NP: Oh, I'm glad someone else does, I'm usually the one who's made to feel dreadful. Andree you continue with 50 seconds on making an exit starting now.
AM: You need to be an awfully good electrician because getting that neon lighting all correct is very difficult. You have to cut out the word E-X-I-T, put a kind of ne...
NP: Um, Kenneth Williams.
KW: I think a little bit of hesitation there!
NP: I would say more than a little bit...
PJ: I know but Clement's in the lead!
KW: I don't want a load of rubbish from you! He's the chairman, mate! You're trying to take it over! He's trying to take it over!
NP: I know...
PJ: But Andree hasn't been on the game as often as the others!
NP: I've got to somehow see Peter, I've got to somehow...
KW: She's nodding over here! She's saying he's right!
NP: Yes and I would like to somehow see that everybody speaks in the last round. Making an exit, there are 37 seconds left starting now.
KW: You raise your skirt and turn to your host and say with enormous auteur "I have not enjoyed your hospitality, I have never enjoyed your..."
NP: Um, Clement Freud has challenged.
CF: Repetition of enjoyed.
NP: Absolutely right!
CF: But I am in the lead!
NP: Yes you do have a strong lead but I wanted to hear from Andree and I twisted something slightly, I admit. There are 25 seconds left with you Clement on making an exit starting now.
CF: Lord Finchley one night tried to mend the electric light himself. He got a shock...
NP: Ah, Kenneth Williams.
KW: Deviation. Lord Finchley and electric light is nothing to do with making an exit!
NP: Well, he might have...
KW: No, it's deviation dearie, let's not kid ourselves! Whoever heard of Lord Finchley anyway! I mean does the title exist? He's nodding over there! I think it does!
NP: That wasn't your challenge, you said he was...
KW: Deviation I said and that's what it is!
NP: No, you didn't give him a chance to establish about making an exit. We let him continue with 22 seconds starting now.
CF: It is the duty of a gentleman to give employment to an artisan which is the poem I tried to tell earlier on when I was about to inform the audience...
NP: Peter Jones has challenged.
PJ: Well if he tried to tell it earlier on it obviously hasn't got anything to do with this particular subject!
NP: What a good challenge!
KW: A very good challenge! Yes!
CF: I feel like an idiot!
NP: There are 13 seonds for you Peter to tell us about making an exit starting now.
PJ: It's the third most important thing a performer has to learn. The first being how to get on or making an entrance. Then there's that little bit in between. Ending with making an exit which is...
NP: A very apt way to end the show! Peter actually said making an exit and the whistle went! He gained an extra point and he finished in fourth place. He was a few points behind Andree Melly and Kenneth Williams who were equal in second place but none of them ever caught up or threatened the lead that Clement Freud established and maintained until the end so once again, he is our winner, Clement Freud! We do hope that you have enjoyed listening to Just A Minute. From all of us here, goodbye.
ANNOUNCER: The chairman of Just A Minute was Nicholas Parsons, the programme was devised by Ian Messiter and produced by John Lloyd.