ANNOUNCER: We present Kenneth Williams, Clement Freud, Peter Jones and Andree Melly in Just A Minute. And as the Minute Waltz fades away here to tell you all about it is our chairman Nicholas Parsons.

NICHOLAS PARSONS: Thank you, thank you very much indeed and welcome once again to Just A Minute. And once again I'm going to ask our four contestants if they can speak for Just A Minute on some unlikely subject without hesitation, without repetition and without deviating from the subject which is written on the card. And according to how well they do it they will gain points or their opponents will gain points. And we're going to begin the show this week with Peter Jones. Peter, the subject, being tickled. Can you talk about that subject of being tickled for 60 seconds starting now.

PETER JONES: It can be very pleasant to tickle somebody else. And it also is quite enjoyable if it happens to you. I also believe that it could, it has the possibility of becoming a great spectator sport. It could be on television, and I think one could have star casts of duos or even trios of people who were tickling each other and ah being tickled also. That isn't repeating it, is it, if it's a different tense? That is not actually repeating the verb? I wouldn't have thought it was. Because I see people's fingers drumming on the desks in front of them. And this tickling could um be on a large (starts to laugh)... It could be, there could be huge teams of international er um experts at this er fascinating game...


PJ: (laughs)

NP: Peter I must say we were all tickled at your exhibition! I think you did hesitate a couple of times but you were so tickled by it all and so were we. I must explain that whoever goes through for 60 seconds without being challenged gains an extra point. On this occasion it was Peter Jones so he has two at the end of that round and nobody yet has had to speak. Kenneth Williams will you take the second round this week and the subject is slang. So can you talk to us on that subject for Just A Minute starting now.

KENNETH WILLIAMS: Well this really is not something I should discuss. But since I have 60 seconds in which to do so I would have to say categorically that this is the language used by those people who we do not refer to as cultivated. Not cult...


NP: Peter Jones has challenged. Why?

PJ: Well hesitation, and he was about to repeat himself.

KW: I wasn't, I was saying cultivated, not cultured.

NP: One, one, one would do and I agree with the hesitation Peter. So you gain another point and you now have 40 seconds, because I agree with your challenge I must explain, in case...

KW: Oh he's the blue-eyed boy this week, isn't he! Lovely for him!

NP: Yes!

KW: Mmmm!

NP: I agree with the challenge so you gain a point Peter and you take over the subject of slang and there are 40 seconds left starting now.

PJ: I have a dictionary at home which is...


NP: Clement Freud has challenged. Why?

CLEMENT FREUD: I'm glad he's got a dictionary at home!

NP: Well your gladness..

KW: Has not constituted a challenge! Exactly! You're quite right Nick! You're a very good chairman! He's a good chairman, innee? Isn't he a good chairman? He's on the ball! 's on the ball that boy!

NP: And it took such intelligence to know that it wasn't a correct challenge, didn't it Kenneth?

KW: Quite!

NP: So as I disagree with the challenge because it had got nothing to do with the game I'm afraid that Peter Jones therefore gets another point...

PJ: Why are you afraid I'm getting another point? There's nothing to be afraid in me getting a point surely!

NP: No I'm not actually...

PJ: You should be pleased I'm getting a point!

NP: It was my juxtaposition of expressions that brought out the wrong emphasis, I'm not afraid you're getting a point, I'm delighted about that. But I'm afraid as the challenge was incorrect I have to give it against Clement Freud. You have a point and there are 36 seconds left for slang Peter starting now.

PJ: A dictionary of slang...


NP: Clement, Clement Freud has challenged, why?

CF: Repetition of dictionary.

NP: He repeated the word dictionary so Clement you have 35 seconds to take over the subject of slang starting now.

CF: I have an encyclopaedia which was sold to me by a gentleman who came to the door and...


NP: Peter Jones has challenged, why?

PJ: I'm very glad that he's got an encyclopaedia!


NP: That definitely deserves a bonus point to Peter Jones. But...

PJ: It's er, it's a status symbol to have an encyclopaedia. I've only got a very modest dictionary!

NP: But Peter you don't get the subject. Clement Freud keeps the subject and he has 28 seconds left for slang starting now.

CF: "Whatcha?" the man said to me, attempting to sell me 43 volumes at eight pounds 10...


NP: Kenneth Williams why have you challenged?

KW: Deviation, gentlemen who sell 43 volumes don't say "whatcha"!

NP: My, my difficult problem here is it could...

KW: It's not a difficult problem!

NP: Yes it is!

KW: Give the subject to me!

NP: It's quite possible that this man who sold Clement Freud might have said whatcha. I mean, I am not to know. I quite agree with your challenge that it is probably very very unlikely. So what shall I do. Shall I give it to Kenneth?

CF: Yes.

NP: Yes, all right. Kenneth has a point and Clement Freud agrees and there are 20 seconds left for slang Kenneth starting now.

KW: One of the methods employed by Cockneys is to use rhyming slang. Up your apples and pears for stairs. Shout and holler for collar. Norton and gold for cold. And so on. Farmer Giles is used, but I will not explain what that means...


NP: Well I think it was probably fortunate the whistle was blown at that moment by Ian Messiter telling us that 60 seconds was up, by the way...

KW: Whistle and flute! (laughs)

NP: For suit, yes. So Kenneth you now have two points at the end of that round, Clement Freud has one, and Peter Jones is definitely in the lead with five. And Clement Freud it is your turn to begin, the subject is figures. Can you talk to us on that one for 60 seconds starting now.

CF: "In this current year," said the chairman of the board of directors, "we are expecting to make a profit of 8,327,196 pounds, no shillings, and few...


NP: Andree Melly's challenged. Why?

ANDREE MELLY: Deviation because there aren't shillings any more.

NP: Yes that's right, he wouldn't say that now because...

CF: I didn't say it happened now!

NP: We assumed it...

CF: Said, said the chairman!

NP: Said the chairman, you're going to try and get out of it by saying...

CF: I'm not trying to get out of it, I effectively emerged from it!

NP: Well all right then, if Clement Freud wants to argue about this one I will put it to the audience. I think there's a justifiable challenge. Do you agree with it? If so cheer and if you disagree will you boo and will you all do it together now.


CF: Boo!

NP: I'm afraid Andree I was with you, but the audience were not so Clement Freud keeps the subject, 43 seconds for figures Clement starting now.

CF: I knew a lady whose vital statistics were 78, 45, 23. And she appeared in cabaret, crawling on to stage and attempting to get up. Many people thought that this figure was one of the most exciting they'd ever seen. And she played...


NP: Andree Melly why have you challenged?

AM: Deviation, I think this sounds very nasty!

NP: I don't think it was exciting, I quite agree. I cannot think that that figure crawling on the stage was exciting.

KW: It might have been! She might have been a Rubenesque creature!

CF: Pear shaped!

KW: Pear shaped she might have been! I think it was really nice...

NP: Do you think it was exciting, ladies and gentlemen?

KW: ....I was enjoying every minute of it!

NP: The general consensus is that that was not exciting so Andree has a point and there are 25 seconds Andree for figures starting now.

AM: This is something you have to study at school. And I believe now there is a new method which I don't understand. If you are incapable...


NP: Kenneth Williams why...

KW: Hesitation!

NP: I disagree entirely. She was going on with great capability. And there are, another point Andree Melly, and 16 seconds for figures Andree starting now.

AM: At adding up pounds and new pence, you will find yourself in great difficulty if you have to budget for the household. Go to a supermarket and get one of those long bits of very...


NP: So Andree was speaking then when the whistle went which brings her up to within one point of our leader who is still Peter Jones. And Clement Freud and Kenneth Williams are now equal in third place. And after those last few remarks you'll never guess what the subject is on the card to follow, pearls. Andree it is your turn to begin, will you talk to us about pearls for Just A Minute if you can starting now.

AM: The pub is called The Kings Head and is quite near me, and belongs to Pearl. She is a marvelous pub owner...


NP: Kenneth Williams why have you challenged?

KW: Well as the subject is pearls, plural, why are we discussing Pearl?

NP: Because, I think to my mind she made it quite clear, Pearl is the owner of the pub and so pubs, Pearl's pub would be Pearl's.

KW: Mmmm!

NP: You're talking about pubs and she was talking about pubs, bringing in Pearl's. So I think it was a good, a bad challenge and so Andree gains a point and there are 52 seconds left for pearls starting now.

AM: Go there for a drink of an evening and there she is...


NP: Peter Jones why have you challenged?

PJ: Advertising!

KW: Oh that's fast! Oh brilliant! Oh brilliant! Oh good! I'm inspired! Very good! Very good!

NP: Advertising's not actually one of the reasons you can challenge.

PJ: It's in the charter of the BBC...

KW: It's in the charter! In the charter! He's right! We should never have had women in the show!

CF: It's deviation from the charter!

KW: Very good!

NP: It's not in the rules of the game that Ian Messiter thought of...

CF: Deviation from the charter!

KW: It's deviation from your charter! You can't get away from that, mate! It was drawn up by King John and all!

NP: I didn't know...

PJ: There are some unwritten rules in the...

KW: Unwritten rules, yes!

NP: I didn't know Pearl had...

KW: It's no good you dithering there Nick!

NP: I'm not dithering!

KW: You're caught Nick! You're caught with them down mate! Come on!

NP: I'm not dithering, I'm just giving the audience a chance to enjoy themselves. So Peter Jones has gained a point for a magnificent challenge which I immediately agree with. And he has 49 seconds left to take over pearls starting now.

PJ: I've known many of them in my life. But I have er some favourite ones in Australia. They grow there in oysters and the oysters themselves...


NP: Ah Kenneth, Clement Freud why have you challenged?

CF: Repetition of oysters.

KW: No, I thought he said oyster the first time and oysters the second.

CF: They grow in oysters, and the oysters.

KW: The oyster itself he said second.

NP: Stop it...

KW: It's singular! So shut your row! Your great big trap!

NP: Well as I a moment ago gave it against Andree Melly which meant that she didn't get a point, it would only be fair in competition to give it against Clement Freud on this occasion because ah then he doesn't get the point...

CF: Oh good!

NP: ...and Peter Jones continues with the subject of pearls and there are 40, 39 seconds left starting now.

PJ: They grow throughout the Pacific around the Solomon Islands and the other island...


NP: Clement Freud challenged again.

CF: Repetition of islands.

NP: Yes, this time I'm afraid I can't let you get away with it again Peter. There was a repetition of islands so Clement gets another point and there are 33 seconds left for pearls Clement starting now.

CF: A hostelry near the Quitaxe residence known as Pearl's should never be visited. Keep away from Pearl's! Do not go there!


NP: Peter Jones has challenged. Why?

PJ: Anti-advertising!


NP: Peter I must say if I allow it for advertising, I can't allow it for anti-advertising! So it was a very clever attempt, but I think, I think we just won't charge any points there because he was trying very hard. So Clement keeps the subject and there are 37 seconds left for, I'm sorry, there are 23 seconds left for pearls Clement starting now.

CF: When my mother-in-law bought a knitting machine, it said plain and pearl, which, I had no idea, referred to anyone but me and my family! But I was wrong and pearl is a particular...


NP: Andree Melly why have you challenged.

AM: A large hesitation.

NP: A large hesitation yes, because he realised he was talking nonsense! There are six seconds left for you Andree on pearls starting now.

AM: A nice pearl necklace. That used to be considered something English and ladylike. It may...


NP: At the end of that round Andree Melly was again speaking when the whistle went so she gained an extra point which brings her into the lead now alongside Peter Jones, and Clement Freud is now in third place. Peter Jones it is your turn to begin, the subject is the press. Can you talk to us about the press for 60 seconds starting now.

PJ: I'm not going to start talking about journalists or Fleet Street or the newspapers. But I'm going to speak to you about the press which is used in Bordeaux to take the juice out of the grapes and make it into wine in September, that's the most popular time of the year for making it and bottling it. And it's er an interesting process because chemistry plays a very important part in the production of wine and many people are involved. Viniculturalists have been there for generations on the banks of the Leloir and in Burgundy and the Otmidoc and elsewhere in France and of course in other countries...


NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged, why?

KW: I think he's just showing off! Talking about these wines!

NP: He was showing off magnificently and he was keeping going without hesitating, without...

KW: Oh he's the blue-eyed boy, isn't he! Can't go wrong, can he!

NP: And er whether he shows off or not, as long as he doesn't deviate from the subject on the card...

KW: All that Leloir stuff! A load of shish wasn't it! Did you hear that!

NP: A load of shish! All right, 18 seconds left for the press Peter starting now.

PJ: In Italy they make often a sweeter type of juice which is um...


NP: Um Andree Melly challenged, why?

AM: Hesitation.

NP: Yes I think the hesitation was definite enough there Peter. So I agree with the challenge, Andree gets another point and there are 12 seconds left for the press starting now.

AM: I would like to talk about journalists and newspapers and the like. These people can be very frightening...


NP: Clement Freud challenged, why?

CF: Deviation.

NP: Why?

CF: I think comparing a journalist to a newspaper, I just... I don't see how you can compare a piece of paper to a human being.

KW: Therefore it's devious. That's right, that's true. That is true.

NP: Yes that's true, I suppose, you can't compare a journalist to a newspaper...

AM: That's mad!

PJ: What about a repetition? She said she's like to talk about...

NP: It's too late now for that Peter! You should have come before! Yeah that's a very subtle point and I think therefore it's a legitimate point because you can't therefore compare the newspaper and the press. So um, what's the matter?

AM: I wasn't comparing them, I was going to...

KW: Well we can't have an inquest on it! Come on, let's hurry up!

AM: ... talk about press as a collective noun and press as a...

KW: We can't have an inquest on it, can we! Going on and on about it!

NP: Well from what you said Andree... oh I'll put it to the audience, I don't know. Do you agree with Clement's challenge? If you do, will you please cheer, if you disagree will you boo, and will you all do it together now.


NP: They're on your side Andree, you're all right, you have a point and there are four seconds left for the press starting now.

AM: People who write for these said magazines, journals and...


KW: What a load of rubbish!

NP: At the end of that round Andree again was speaking as the whistle went and she has now gained a lead. Kenneth Williams it is your turn to begin.

KW: Thank goodness! I mean, I mean thank goodness! I haven't been given a chance!

NP: Well this is a very apt subject that Ian Messiter's chosen for you...

KW: Yes?

NP: We hope you display it, but we know that sometimes we would like to see it.

KW: Awwww!

NP: Self-control.


NP: Can you talk to us Kenneth about self-control for 60 seconds starting now.

KW: This process begins in the cranium, and conveys through various nerve centres down the spine to the body the instructions which it wants to deliver. I.e., it will say do not move. In certain circumstances immobile action is the best... oh that's ridiculous, you can't be immobile and in action...


KW: (laughs)

NP: Clement Freud challenged.

KW: It's not possible really so it's total rubbish!

CF: Deviation.

NP: Yes I'm afraid out of your own mouth, you committed yourself Kenneth. So 30 seconds for self-control Clement starting now.

CF: When I bought a twin engined aeroplane and was... thought...


NP: Kenneth Williams...

KW: Hesitation!

NP: All right, I must agree. You couldn't get it out quick enough, could you. All right I agree Kenneth, you have a point, and 25 seconds for self-control starting now.

KW: When I said to this woman in this terrible press "will you take me into your abode?" she said "control yourself!" But I couldn't because I was throbbing with it! I said to her "I'm here to demonstrate these briefs are butch, as part of the campaign for masculinity". Who better than me, I thought. She said "get out of it!" I said "vous avez suggeste..."


NP: Well Kenneth Williams was then speaking when the whistle went so he gained an extra point. And if thats how he behaves to the press, I must say he does display tremendous self-control doesn't he. Ah Clement Freud your turn to begin. Unusual things I have eaten. Can you talk about that for 60 seconds starting now.

CF: Possibly the most unusual thing I have eaten was a tapioca pudding. And it was extraordinary in that I believed it to be sago. And it was only after three or four mouthfuls the true realisation...


NP: Um Peter Jones has challenged. Why?

PJ: Hesitation. Didn't he hesitate?

NP: No...

PJ: It seemed to me he hesitated.

NP: No he, no almost but not quite Peter.

PJ: No.

NP: I have to be fair on this, I don't think he really hesitated. So Clement gets another point and there are 44 seconds left for unusual things I have eaten starting now.

CF: Recently in a competition I was asked to judge a boiler chicken and rearrange it in a well-known phrase or saying. Before...


NP: Kenneth Williams, why...

KW: Deviation, you can't rearrange a boiler chicken into any phrases!

CF: Well I'd like to know what the hell you can do with it!

KW: Oh don't be so rude!

NP: (laughs) I don't think you can rearrange a boiler chicken into a well-known phrase!

KW: Of course not!

NP: So Kenneth your indignation and your challenge gains you a point and there are 34 seconds for unusual things I have eaten starting now.

KW: Well this dumpling was served and I thought it's terrible and cut it open. And inside was this unpeeled lemon. And I chucked it down the lavatory but it kept coming up again! And I thought...


NP: Clement, Clement Freud has challenged, why?

CF: Repetition.

NP: Why?

CF: It kept coming up again!


NP: All right, give Clement Freud a bonus point for a good challenge but as Kenneth hasn't strictly speaking deviated from the subject on the card, he keeps going for 22 seconds on unusual things I have eaten starting now.

KW: Little knowing that I had taken my father's stomach powder from what was marked the flour bin I made cheese straws. When I ate them the result was revolting! And I came over all funny! I was sort of green. People said "oooooohh, you all right? You look queer!"


NP: Well before Kenneth could go any further with how he looked then, thank goodness, the whistle went and he gained an extra point and he's still equal together in third place, just a little behind Peter Jones now, not quite so far behind who is still behind our leader who is still Andree Melly. Andree your turn to begin, the subject is rubbish. Can you talk for Just A Minute on that subject starting now.

AM: Many a 60-second minute on this programme could be said to be rubbish that is spoken. If you are very good at it...


NP: Kenneth Williams why have you challenged?

KW: It doesn't make any sense! Many a 60-minute second could be called rubbish! I mean, it's rubbish! She's talking nonsense!

NP: I know she's talking rubbish! It's terribly clever!


NP: So I think by every count she wins and she has 50 seconds to continue on rubbish starting now.

AM: I... don't really want to talk about this subject...


NP: Kenneth Williams.

KW: Hesitation.

NP: Hesitation.

KW: She's obviously totally incompetent! They should never have women on the show!

NP: All right Kenneth so you've gained a point and you have 47 seconds on rubbish starting now.

KW: What an appalling occurrence when this stuff was not taken away as it should have been! Piling high in the streets! And the odour! "Pooh!" I was crying! And the caretaker saying "stacked in the yard, it is. When will the operatives appear? They don't like to be called dustmen! Cleansing their offer.. oh...


KW: Oh bother!

NP: Clement Freud challenged.

KW: Who got me?

NP: Your friend next to you.

KW: You rotter! Oh the dirty rotter! How could you do a thing like that! I was really going then!

NP: Clement Freud I agree with your challenge so you take over the subject of rubbish and there are 23 seconds left starting now.

CF: There are many survey companies specifically in the United States who go through people's rubbish or kitchen refuse if you like to determine their consumption and their rejection of products on the open market. A friend of mine called Witherspoon was recently employed with such a corporation in order to ascertain...


NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged you.

KW: I don't believe he's got this friend Witherspoon!

NP: Now this is the problem, I don't know whether you've got a friend Witherspoon or not. And we know we're getting towards the end of the game and we know that it's just towards the end of this round and there's two seconds to go and I will have to put you on your honour Clement Freud. Have you got a friend called Witherspoon? Oh he's honest! He hasn't!

KW: Oh! Oh lovely! Very sane!

NP: But you take back all the things you've just said about him!

KW: Sorry I should never have done it! Oh Clem will you forgive me? (kisses CF several times)

NP: So Clement Freud's honesty gave Kenneth Williams a point, there are two seconds to go on rubbish Kenneth starting now.

KW: Oh I didn't mean to have it! It's bizarre! I really didn't! Oh no...


NP: And we have a very very close finish because that is all we have time for and we have to finish now. And just in fourth place is Clement Freud but he's only one point behind the third place person who is Peter Jones who is only one point behind the second place person who is Kenneth Williams who is only one point behind this week's winner, once again Andree Melly! I'm sorry that we have no more time to play Just A Minute. We hope that you've enjoyed this particular edition of the game and from all of us here good-bye.


ANNOUNCER: The chairman of Just A Minute was Nicholas Parsons, the programme was devised by Ian Messiter and produced by David Hatch.