JAM:KWilliams,CFreud,PJones,AMacdonald
WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE!

starring KENNETH WILLIAMS, CLEMENT FREUD, PETER JONES and AIMI MACDONALD chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 2 March 1976)

NOTE: Clement Freud's 200th appearance.


THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: We present Kenneth Williams, Clement Freud, Peter Jones and Aimi Macdonald in Just A Minute. And as the Minute Waltz fades away, here to tell you about it is our chairman, Nicholas Parsons.

NICHOLAS PARSONS: Thank you very much, hello, and welcome to Just A Minute. And we welcome back Aimi Macdonald who's come again courageously to play with our three regular players of the game. And they're going to try and talk if they can for 60 seconds on some subject that I will give them without hesitation, without repetition, and without deviating from the subject if they can. We'll begin the show this week with Clement Freud, and Clement, the subject to start the show is pogo. So will you try and talk for Just A Minute on pogo starting now.

CLEMENT FREUD: ... Pogo is the...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KENNETH WILLIAMS: Hesitation. Definite hesitation!

NP: He actually had gone for one and a half seconds so I do think it was a legitimate...

CF: I said five words!

KW: Oh! Do you think I was being unfair?

NP: Yes!

KW: Oh! I do apologise! I'm terribly sorry, Clem! (kisses him)

NP: I'll tell you what I'll do, it was a legitimate challenge, but as you always love to get under way and get very upset if you don't, we'll show you how sporting the others can be, and we will give you your challenge of hesitation and you take up the subject of pogo starting now.

KW: Well you do this with an extraordinary thing called a stick! And you get on it and you jump up and down...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PETER JONES: There's nothing extraordinary about a stick!

NP: A stick! It's deviation! One of the most ordinary things I can think of! Peter, you have a correct challenge, you get a point for that. You take over the subject of pogo and there are 53 seconds left starting now.

PJ: A pogo stick is a cylinder of wood with a strong spring...

BUZZ

NP: Aimi Macdonald has challenged.

AIMI MACDONALD: Um, did you say slither?

PJ: No, a cylinder!

AM: Oh, sorry!

PJ: Perhaps I'm on your bad side, am I Aimi?

NP: Peter Jones, I should tell the listeners is sitting beside Aimi Macdonald.

AM: No, oh, well, I still say deviation.

NP: No, he wasn't deviating!

AM: It's not a cylinder, you see, darling, a cylindrical thing is a thing with a hole in it.

PJ: It's got a hole! That's where the spring is!

AM: No, I mean it's got...

NP: Yes, a cylindrical type of thing is perfectly correct, Aimi, I'm sorry. Peter has another point for an incorrect challenge and there are 48 seconds on pogo starting now.

PJ: And there are two steps, one on either side on which you stand, holding the top part and then you jump from one place to another. And very dangerous it can be particularly on a hillside or an icy pond or other places perhaps indoors. Going up stairs is almost impossible.

BUZZ

NP: Aimi Macdonald challenged.

AM: Deviation. You can't do pogo sticks in any of those funny places.

NP: He just said! It's almost impossible!

AM: Yes, but you can't do it!

NP: You could try, so he didn't deviate from pogo. Sorry, Aimi, good try but it's an incorrect challenge. So Peter gets another point and he has 27 seconds on pogo starting now.

PJ: Bo Pogo who was a benefactor...

BUZZ

NP: Aimi Macdonald has challenged.

AM: (giggles) I'm ever so sorry, I thought he was... (giggles)

NP: What did you think?

AM: I thought he was stuttering, I thought he said popogo!

PJ: You're trying to stop me talking about this subject you know, Aimi! I mean it is, you know, once in a while I get a subject on which I know something, and er...

AM: You see, I thought he said popogo!

NP: So did I!

PJ: No, no, no, it was a slip of the ear on your part!

NP: And you were challenging him for the repetition of po!

CF: At least she's hearing him clearly now!

PJ: Yes! That's something, yes!

NP: Didn't he say popogo, audience? Yes, of course he did! A repetition of po!

KW: He discussed a gentleman called Bert Pogo! He said Bert Pogo was a great expert!

PJ: Oh you mean Po Pogo! Now the man who actually invented...

NP: Aimi Macdonald....

PJ: That's right.

KW: That's what I said.

PJ: Thank you very much.

NP: ... you have a correct challenge...

AM: Oh, that's, that's not...

NP: And you have 25 seconds to talk about pogo starting now.

AM: I agree with Kenneth actually. I think it's a rather extraordinary...

BUZZ

NP: Ah, Kenneth... Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Deviation. It has nothing to do with pogo sticks agreeing with Kenneth.

KW: On the contrary, I've just been discussing them! She's every right to agree with me! What are you talking about? Very relevant, I would have thought!

NP: Very relevant to agree with Kenneth however much he may...

KW: Yes! Very intelligent girl to make such a remark! Very nice!

NP: Well, you've chosen the most literate one here!

AM: Can you say that again please Kenneth?

KW: Yes! Very good chairman too in recognising the proper nature of that challenge!

NP: Are you feeling all right, Kenneth?

KW: Yes, I'm fine thanks! I've had a couple of aspirins...

NP: You're very free with the compliments! Aimi ...

AM: Yes?

NP: You have a correct challenge, sorry, no, I'm sorry it was Clement who challenged you. It was an incorrect challenge from Clement. You have another point and 21 seconds on pogo starting now.

AM: You see I...

BUZZ

NP: Um...

PJ: Hesitation!

NP: No!

PJ: Yes, it was, terribly slow!

KW: Give the girl a chance! I mean have you no gallantry? You've no gallantry at all! It's disgraceful! The people in this audience are appalled! He should be...

NP: Aimi, you had only gone for half a second! So you were not hesitating.

AM: Thank you very much.

NP: You have 20 and a quarter seconds on pogo starting now.

AM: Like I was saying it is absolutely incredible because you see it's so long...

BUZZ

NP: Ah, Clement Freud.

CF: That's the third you see.

NP: Yes, I'm afraid it was Aimi. There are 15 seconds for you Clement on pogo starting now.

CF: Pogo sticks became very popular in the late 1930s when a man tried hard to jump from the second floor of the Eiffel Tower and land in the Plus La Concorde, something which was...

BUZZ

CF: ...obviously incredibly difficult and possibly ..

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Nothing happened, it didn't happen at all! It's deviation, he didn't try!

NP: You see I suppose this is the impossible decisions one has to make sometimes! So I will ask the audience to be the final judges because I can't make a decision on that. If you like Peter Jones' challenge ... I don't say if you agree... if you like his challenge, you cheer for him, but if you prefer Clement's thoughts, you boo for him, and you all do it together now.

CHEERS AND BOOS

NP: I think the boos have it. Clement, they like your bizarre ideas and you have four and a half seconds on pogo starting now.

CF: Meanwhile a pogo stick with a woman on the Arc de Triomphe ...

WHISTLE

NP: Well, the first round has taken longer than usual, because they all had a lot to say, they all got some points. And the one who was speaking when the whistle went which Ian Messiter blows to tell us that 60 seconds are up gets an extra point. It was Clement Freud who's equal in the lead with Aimi Macdonald and Peter Jones at the end of the round. Peter, will you now talk on the subject of penguins starting now.

PJ: Oh, a friend of mine had an extraordinary experience some weeks ago. He was watching them making a commercial in a film studio and they were using a lot of penguins. And he was watching the action in the sense...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Repetition of watching.

NP: Yes there was Peter.

PJ: Oh yes, so there was, yes.

NP: And you have 48 seconds now on penguins Clement starting now.

CF: One of the best ideas in the 1940s was had by a lowly film director in Paris who tried to get a penguin to jump from the second floor of the Eiffel Tower to land in the Plus La...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Well, I think that's just as far-fetched but they probably, the boos, will have it!

NP: Well, I'm not going to waste time with the audience on this occasion. I do think he's gone...

PJ: Oh, you think it's a waste of time asking the audience?

KW: Yes! Now it comes out! "I'm not going to waste time asking the audience!" I mean! Dismissing them as a load of rubbish!

PJ: Quite! Yes, that slipped out!

NP: Peter I agree with your challenge and you have 34 seconds on penguins starting now.

PJ: And he stepped backwards onto a penguin and killed it stone dead! One of the few people in the metropolitan area who has done such a thing! I'm sure there can't be any precedent for such an unfortunate..

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Hesitation.

NP: Yes. Clement you've got penguins again, and you have 18 seconds and you start now.

CF: It is very easy to tell the difference between a nun and a penguin. Because penguins have no Adams apples and make very different sorts of noises...

BUZZ

NP: Ah, Aimi Macdonald challenged.

CF: Also they very seldom carry rosaries.

AM: I've challenged, darling.

NP: Aimi, what is your challenge?

AM: Well, you see it's on the grounds of Adams apple, because if a nun had an Adams apple you wouldn't see it anyway because their thing comes up to here! Yeah!

NP: I somehow think...

CF: I would like to submit and give it to her.

NP: I think you're being very sporting! And I think it quite helps me out of a problem!

PJ: Well you very rarely see a penguin and a nun under laboratory conditions! I don't think it's a scientific problem at all!

NP: Aimi, you have the subject. You have 7 seconds on penguins starting now.

AM: I don't often take a biscuit but when I do...

BUZZ

NP: Ah, Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: I think you've often taken the biscuit, Aimi! Particularly on this programme!

NP: As her figure is so trim and slim, I'm sure she doesn't often take a biscuit! I disagree with your challenge...

PJ: I'm speaking metaphorically!

NP: I don't mind how you speak!

PJ: Who is writing your material these days?

NP: It's obviously not as good as Peter Jones'. Um, Aimi there are four seconds for you on penguins starting now.

AM: I really don't have a sweet tooth, but occasionally I get the most overwhelming desire for penguin biscuits...

WHISTLE

NP: Aimi Macdonald mentioned her overwhelming desire, Ian Messiter went bright red and blew his whistle. And Aimi, it is your turn to begin. The subject: roulette. Will you tell us something about that in Just A Minute starting now.

AM: Oh, this is a very exciting gambling game. You have a little board and lots of numbers. They go from one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16...

BUZZ

AM: ...17...

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

AM: ... 18...

CF: Repetition of six!

AM: ... 19! What?

NP: Six? 16 is one word.

AM: Oh thank you, yes.

CF: Repetition of teen.

AM: Quite wrong!

NP: No but she, there isn't...

AM: Teen! I never even said the word teen.

NP: There isn't a single word, teen.

PJ: I'd like to make a small future investment in 21!

CF: It's one word! It's one word!

PJ: What?

CF: It's one word!

PJ: No! 21 isn't one word, is it?

NP: 21...

AM: I meant, I meant...

NP: No, 21 is meant to be one word!

CF: Why don't we just add up to 99 every time?

NP: Aimi, teen and 6 are not acceptable...

CF: And the rest of the audience can go home!

KW: Why not just employ the speaking clock!

NP: Because Aimi Macdonald is more attractive than the speaking clock.

KW: You reckon?

NP: Well, I wouldn't reckon your dial anyway!

KW: Dear oh dear! Who does write his material? Terrible!

AM: Look, can I get on with it now please?

NP: Yes, yes...

PJ: You can, yes, I'm terribly anxious to get into the 30s!

NP: Aimi, an incorrect challenge, you have roulette still, and you have 40 seconds starting now.

AM: Eighteen, 19...

BUZZ

NP: Ah, Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Repetition of 18!

AM: No! No, no, no I only got to 17!

NP: She onlygot to 16 before!

CF: She missed, she missed out 17!

PJ: I thought she got to 18!

AM: No, no, no, quite wrong darling.

NP: No, she missed out 17 and only got to 16!

PJ: Really?

NP: She was challenged on 6 and teen, and didn't have it.

PJ: Do you think it's risky to go on, Aimi?

NP: Aimi, another incorrect challenge, and there are 37 seconds on roulette starting now.

AM: Nineteen, 20, twenty-first, twenty-second, twenty-third....

BUZZ

NP: Ah, Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: The numbers are not marked twenty-first. They are 21.

NP: Not on a roulette board.

CF: That's deviation.

NP: They're not marked twenty-first on a roulette board.

CF: It isn't the twenty-first number.

AM: No, but it means the same thing darling, I'm just being awfully clever not saying 21!

PJ: I think it's splitting hairs to claim to be clever for not saying 21 when you've counted from one to 20!

NP: Clement I agree with your challenge and you have 32 seconds on roulette starting now.

CF: One of the most interesting aspects of roulette when the gaming board came into being was they decided the casino must have no better chance of winning than the people playing. And for that...

BUZZ

NP: Ah, Aimi Macdonald challenged.

AM: Deviation, that's not true because everybody knows the roulette wheel is all fixed, you know!

NP: No, it's not all fixed, and what Clement said was absolutely accurate about the gaming board and roulette, so he keeps the subject and there are 20 seconds starting now.

CF: Although the odds have now changed fractionally in favour of the operators. For instance, red black, even uneven, high and low, pay...

BUZZ

NP: Ah, Kenneth Williams.

KW: This is terribly boring, isn't it?

NP: I know but he's not deviating from...

KW: Aimi Macdonald is quite right and should have the subject back! I mean, for goodness sake, she knows!

NP: Clement has the subject still and there are 11 seconds left starting now.

CF: The support of...

BUZZ

NP: Aimi Macdonald.

AM: Hesitation!

NP: He had a very tough one to begin with and that balances it out. Clement there are 10 seconds on roulette starting now.

CF: Fit per Joux and Rien vel preaux are the most...

BUZZ

NP: Ah, Aimi Macdonald!

AM: Do they only say that when they're doing the shimming? Or.....

NP: No, they don't!

AM: They do...

NP: They do it when...

KW: She's quite right! She's absolutely right!

NP: They say that when they're playing roulette!

KW: She's been to these places! You don't know anything about it!

NP: Clement, you have seven seconds on roulette starting now.

CF: French being the common language mostly because Monte Carlo, Cannes and Nice were where the first gaming...

WHISTLE

NP: Right, rien ala blue on that game and Clement was speaking when the whistle went, he gained an extra point and a lot of points with Aimi Macdonald's help in the round, so he's got a strong lead. Right, the next round. Kenneth Williams, it's your turn to begin.

KW: Oh, at last!

NP: The subject is records and 60 seconds starting now.

KW: Well, I have made several of these records and I have always found it extremely interesting to hear the reactions of the technical people, back stage so to speak. The ones that are responsible for such things as level and the decision whether to allow a recording to go out to the open market so to speak. Of course, it could go out to the Caledonian market...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Repetition of market.

NP: I'm afraid there was.

KW: Intentionally!

NP: We were all waiting for you to talk...

KW: You see I was being rather dulcet, you know...

NP: We know!

KW: And rather posh! You know what I mean? And suddenly felt...

NP: It sent us all fast asleep anyway. Clement, you have the subject and 30 seconds on records starting now.

CF: I've always found the Guinness Book of Records the most fascinating volume and many years ago when I determined to get into it, which I now am as omelette champion, I discovered that going up the service staircase of the Empire State Building had only been done once by the Norweigan Lumnowf team returning from the 1936 Olympic Games in Berlin...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Repetition.

NP: Of what?

PJ: Something. Olympic!

NP: No, he didn't say Olympic...

PJ: Didn't he say Olympic earlier on?

NP: No. It's nice to hear from you Peter, but...

PJ: Oh, well!

NP: So he has another point and seven seconds for records starting now.

CF: Thirty-three, 45 and 78 are the revolutions per minute which most gramophone records turn at.

WHISTLE

NP: Clement Freud has increased his lead and it is his turn to start again. The subject is lime and would you tell us something about it in Just A Minute Clement starting now.

CF: Lime is something you shoot. It's terribly painful and green and small. It is much more common to do it with a line. But thinking about it...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: I thought a hesitation there.

NP: Yes I definitely agree and you have 49 seconds to tell us something about lime Kenneth starting now.

KW: This was a great thing at sea in the old days you know. When the fellers were away for so long from the fresh food, they used to carry barrels of these limes to stop the scurvey which swept through the ship you know. And they were all...

BUZZ

NP: Ah, Kenneth... Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Repetition of you know.

NP: I didn't hear him say you know before.

KW: No!

CF: He started off...

KW: Quite right! The audience didn't hear it either, did you? No!

SHOUTS OF YES FROM THE AUDIENCE

KW: Shut your mouths, all of you! What a nerve they've got! Come here for nothing and then behave in this rebelliously rude...

NP: Ah, Kenneth, I'll be... no, no, Clement's got a very strong lead, I'm sure he'll be sporting and let you carry on on with limes. All right?

KW: Thank you very much.

NP: Thank Clement, not me.

KW: Ohhhh! Darling! (kisses Clement)

NP: And you have 35 seconds starting now.

KW: It's also a boon to those ladies who pop in the saloon bar for a gin and lime. They always knock it back with relish and say "Mmmmm, I could do with another one of them! That really whetted my appetite! Nothing like that before luncheon to get you going!" And it does! It really gets the juices flowing around the body and all the tastebuds in the tongue rise so to speak to the occasion. A steak and kidney pie tastes different again after the lime. In fact, Harry Lime who invented them....

BUZZ

KW: ... said to me...

NP: Aimi Macdonald challenged.

AM: He suddenly switched to Harry Lime!

NP: Well, he can, as long as he keeps going without deviating from the subject. He can switch as many times as you like. You can bring in a different lime if you like. So, Kenneth, five seconds on lime starting now.

CF: Have we now established that Harry Lime invented steak and kidney pie? For future games, may we take this as fact? Because I'll make a note of it! I don't want to...

NP: You keep your sarcasm for when you're playing the game! Ah, five seconds for lime, Kenneth, starting now.

KW: As geniuses often do contradict themselves, I frequently make this mistake myself.

WHISTLE

NP: Kenneth, another literary question for you, George Elliot.

KW: Who?

NP: You surely have heard of Mary-Anne Evans?

KW: Oh yes!

NP: Actually the subject is George Elliot and you have 60 seconds starting now.

KW: Well, this was her name for fiction writing and I think at the time she did express herself a preference for the male nomenclature because she said it would help the sale of the books. A notable passage is where she remarks upon the comfort, inexpressable, she says, a feeling safe with a person, having neither to weigh thought nor measure words before with all our chaff and grain together knowing that a faithful hand will take and sift it, keep what's worth keeping and with a breath of kindness...

BUZZ

KW: ... blow the rest away. It's one of the most beautiful... Who interrupted?

NP: Aimi Macdonald.

KW: Oh!

NP: He's floored after all the compliments he's given you this week, Aimi! What's the challenge?

AM: Actually... I think I just did what ah, Clement did before, you know, keep and keeping... I went.... (giggles) I don't think I was right!

NP: You don't think you're what?

AM: I'm not right!

NP: I'm sure you're not right! And Kenneth keeps the subject and he has another point and he has 23 seconds on George Elliot starting now.

KW: She was married of course to George Lewis, a remarkable gentleman and his work on the French Revolution was of great interest to her and she caused several emendations to be...

BUZZ

NP: Aimi Macdonald challenged.

AM: Hesitation.

NP: Oh, no no no no no. He managed to get it out all right. He did, he did elongate it. But he...

AM: But that's hesitating!

NP: No, if we challenged on that...

PJ: No, it's just cheating Aimi. That's what it is!

NP: Well, it's one of those little cheats that they all indulge in. You've got to find your little gimmicks and the regulars have got them. It's not so easy as...

PJ: But those of us who don't know any long words, we can't do that!

NP: George Elliot, Kenneth, six seconds starting now.

KW: I really have been terribly put off by these people!

BUZZ

KW: Do you think it's fair?

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Deviation. I'm not interested in him being put off by these people!

NP: No, that's got nothing to do with George Elliot.

PJ: No! Of course it hasn't!

NP: Peter has a correct challenge and he has 4 seconds on George Elliot starting now.

PJ: George Elliot's books always seem to have far too many characters in them to remember!

WHISTLE

NP: We're back with Clement Freud to begin and the subject is epicureanism. So Clement can you tell us something about that in Just A Minute starting now.

CF: Epicureanism is the pursuit of the philosophy of Epicuris, a Greek who lived from 341BC until 270. An extraordinary thing in those days was that you um existed backwards.

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Well, he said um which indicates that he hesitated, I thought.

NP: Yes I agree Peter.

PJ: Yes.

NP: The 43 seonds for you to talk on epicureanism Peter starting now.

PJ: It's something that very few of us can afford to indulge in since most of the food...

BUZZ

KW: You seem to be doing all right!

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

KW: What did he challenge?

CF: That's nonsense because it is the simplest of all possible lives. It's not expensive to follow a philosophy.

NP: No, you're quite right Clement and so you have another point and you have 38 seconds on epicureanism starting now.

CF: And epicureanism is in fact the science or following if you like, of happiness as opposed to the absence of pain which is what every other philosopher of those days advocated. Now epicureanism in present day times is sort of connected with high life, good living and food of great quality which is totally wrong. Because...

BUZZ

NP: Ah, Aimi Macdonald challenged.

AM: I thought epicureanism was that thing where they stick pins in you!

KW: You're thinking of Acker Bilk!

NP: Acupuncture, love!

CF: I think she ought to get it! I do think...

NP: All right, we .. For such a good challenge, for the pleasure it gave the audience and after all, you know, the definition...

KW: She is a great epicurean!

NP: Yes, of course! Ah, where have we got to? Aimi Macdonald has been given the subject by Clement Freud of epicureanism which she thinks is acupuncture! So four seconds left on epicureanism starting now.

AM: Isn't it silly, I thought it was acupuncture! So that ...

WHISTLE

NP: I'm afraid we have no more time to play Just A Minute. Let me tell you what the final score was. Peter Jones was just in fourth place, only one point behind Kenneth Williams, who was in third place, only one point behind Aimi Macdonald in second place. But way out in the lead was this week's winner, Clement Freud. We do hope you've enjoyed this edition of Just A Minute. From all of us here, goodbye.

THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: The chairman of Just A Minute was Nicholas Parsons, the programme was devised by Ian Messiter and produced by John Lloyd.