ANNOUNCER: We present Kenneth Williams, Clement Freud, Peter Jones and Aimi Macdonald in Just A Minute. And as the Minute Waltz fades away here to tell you about it is our chairman Nicholas Parsons.

NICHOLAS PARSONS: Thank you, thank you very much, hello and welcome to Just A Minute. And as you just heard we are delighted to welcome back once again into the fourth chair, or the lady's chair, Aimi Macdonald, who we hope once again will bring out the best in our three unchivalrous but very clever players and regular male competitors in the game. Once again I want them all to speak if they can for Just A Minute on some unlikely subject without hesitation, without repetition, and without deviating from the subject on the card which is in front of me. And let us begin the show with Kenneth Williams. Kenneth will you start for us this week, and talk about, oh what a lovely subject to start the show with, putting a bold face on it. He's rubbing his chest! Kenneth will you talk on that subject for 60 seconds starting now.

KENNETH WILLIAMS: This really begins with the ancient Britons who did it with the wode all over. And emulated of course Boadicea, and the other well known great chieftain Ethel, who did it with henna in her hair. And when it went red, they all said "oh Ethelred the Unready!" That's true, that's how she got the name. And she rushed into Backport with all of it flowing...


NP: Aimi Macdonald has challenged, why?

AIMI MACDONALD: Well deviation, because he said it was a chieftain called Ethel!

NP: Well yes...

AM: That’s a man.

NP: Well he was making a little joke, I think, to say how Ethelred er became known by that particular name.

AM: Oh I see.

NP: There might even have been a chieftain called Ethel at that time, I'm not quite sure Aimi. So I'll tell you what we'll do as his historical knowledge is superior to all of us. We'll give him the benefit of the doubt about Ethel...

AM: We'll give him the benefit, all right.

NP: ... and say that it was a wrong challenge. Therefore Kenneth has a point, he keeps the subject, there are 34 seconds left and you start now.

KW: "Make a stand against the Romans, put a bold face on it," they said to her. So she met him at the Thames, and he said they all ring these bowlers because your drains are appalling. And she said "yes, because it's an old custom to politely lift your hat when you see a pretty stranger, is there anything wrong in that?" "Oh no!" he said, and pulled her club off her waist, because she had it swinging there, shoved her one right across the bonce, and they got off. And that's how the whole conquest of Britain under the Romans and the Tudenising of our tongue...


NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PETER JONES: Repetition of Romans.

NP: Yes we did have the Romans before, I'm afraid.

PJ: He said Romans twice.

KW: What was the timing?

NP: The timing was brilliant on Peter's part...

PJ: It sounded like about five and a half minutes!

NP: Only one and a half seconds to go!

KW: What a... You can see what he's up to, can't you!

NP: Yes and if you...

KW: He's trying to get in on it, isn't he!

NP: Yes well, if you could do the same, you would be doing it, wouldn't you.

KW: Yes I suppose you're right.

NP: Yes! Anyway there were about five he saids in that particular right.

PJ: Yes he seemed to be flagging a bit.

NP: Peter you got in very well with only one and a half seconds to go, you have a point for a correct challenge, you have the subject, putting a bold face on it starting now.

PJ: You must try and smile...


NP: Well those who follow the game will know that after 60 seconds a whistle is blown by Ian Messiter which tells us that we have no more time for that round. And whoever is speaking at that moment gains the extra point. Peter Jones you have done it, you have two points, Kenneth has one, and Clement Freud you have yet to speak so will you begin the next round.

CLEMENT FREUD: Good evening.

NP: The subject, last words. Not the first ones.

CF: Oh.

NP: That is the subject, curiously enough. Last words, Clement...


NP: I must explain to the listeners that that laugh came because Kenneth very delicately kissed his ear before he started! It looked like it anyway, just to encourage him. Clement, last words, perhaps he was whispering some last words in your ear. Would you talk on it anyway now for 60 seconds starting now.

CF: When Voltaire, often known as that great French sage, lay on his death bed, a priest came to him and said "is it time now for you to forsake the devil and all his works?" and Voltaire said "it seems a bit late in life to start making enemies." I've always thought that those were probably the most intelligent last words that were ever used, much more so than those of WC Fields who wrote "at least I'm not in Philadelphia" which legend now embraces his tombstone. A head waiter I know had written as his epitaph "God finally caught his eye", admirably suited I feel to the catering industry. I wish somebody would buzz...


NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged you.

KW: Only because it seemed to be flagging. A hesitation.

NP: Seemed to be flagging? He, he absolutely admitted that he was flagging and asked for a challenge. And you came to his rescue so you have seven seconds on last words Kenneth and you start now.

KW: Gladstone's were "ooooooohhhh I could do with one of Bellamy's pork pies!" And...


NP: At the end of that round, Kenneth Williams, speaking when the whistle went, gained the extra point and you'll be delighted to hear...

KW: I'm in the lead?

NP: Yes!

KW: Aaaaaahhhhh! Oh it's all happening! They'll be coming up to my door and making me some very nice propositions! It's all happening, isn't it!

NP: You have three, you have a lead of one over Peter Jones, and a lead of three over Clement Freud and Aimi Macdonald who have yet to score.

KW: Oh I...

NP: The programme is only about five minutes over so you've got to really keep it up if you're going to sustain that.

KW: Yes!

NP: Right, Aimi Macdonald we come to you, would you now talk on the subject of knickers. I must say that Ian Messiter thinks of the subjects, not me. That's what Ian's thought of, would you talk about it for 60 seconds starting now.

AM: There is indeed a very very wide range of (splutters)


NP: Clement Freud has challenged right away.

CF: Ah there were two verys.

NP: Yes but Aimi Macdonald doesn't play as often as you, and she'd only been speaking for two seconds, so she gets a bonus point because you challenged! There are 56 seconds for knickers now, still with you Aimi starting now.

AM: I'm trying to talk about the range of knickers. We all start off wearing nappies, don't we? And then we graduate to long blue ones, navy blue preferably...


NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

AM: No, that was not repetition because I said navy blue the second time.

NP: You did say navy blue the second time. Let's see what Clement's challenge is. Clement?

CF: You said blue the first time,

NP: You said...

CF: Which sort of makes two blues.

NP: It does make it and you were getting a bit blue...

AM: It doesn't...

KW: You're allowed to be blue on that subject, it's knickers, isn't it!

NP: She was being a bit too blue for Just A Minute.

PJ: Yes but you normally award her an extra point!

NP: I'm at liberty to award her an extra point if I feel so inclined, it's a very nice position to be in.

PJ: Well it certainly is, yes.

NP: But on this occasion I'm going to allow Clement Freud to have his repetition of blue...

PJ: Power corrupts, you know.

NP: And Aimi Macdonald corrupts even more. It's delightful! Aimi, I mean, sorry, Clement, you have a correct challenge... you see where my thoughts lie...

CF: If you get us mixed up, I'm the one who's got less hair!

NP: Not on your chin though!

CF: I don't know!

NP: I say, I say, I say, let's get on with the programme. I don't wish to know that, kindly leave the auditorium. Right, Clement Freud, you have 50, 47 seconds on knickers starting now.

CF: One of the most extraordinary things about English audiences is that only have to say knickers to them and they roll about in helpless mirth. This has ever amazed me because knickers is a very ordinary stupid boring word for a garment which while it may be necessary...


NP: Aimi Macdonald has challenged.

AM: Repetition, he said knickers twice.

NP: Ah but knickers is the subject...

AM: Oh I mean... I hadn't thought about that...

NP: And you haven't played it very often. Bad luck, Aimi, well there we are. But do remember in future...

AM: I beg your pardon.

NP: ...you are allowed to repeat the subject on the card.

AM: Yes of course.

NP: So we will ignore the challenge because you haven't been with us for quite a time. Clement...

PJ: Are you coming again fairly soon, Aimi?

NP: Twenty-eight seconds for you Clement Freud on knickers starting now?

CF: Knickers is occasionally used for a pet name for people called Nicholas. And indeed our beloved chairman...


CF: ...used to be called Knickers when a small boy. I went to school with him for some extraordinary reason because we lived fairly close...


NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: Deviation, what's his going to school with you got to do with knickers?

NP: He's going to talk about my Nicholas!

PJ: Well it's got quite a bit to do with him getting points!

KW: Oh I see!

NP: Well he's established...

PJ: The old school tie network! We haven't got a chance!


NP: No, he clearly in my mind established the connection between Knickers and Nicholas Parsons. So he has, he was not deviating...

KW: You admit then, publicly do you, and on the air, to being called Knickers?

NP: To being called Knicker-less!

KW: We come out "oh Knickers Parsons" now, do we?

PJ: Knicker-less!

NP: Knicker-less!

KW: What!

PJ: When he lost them, he was called Knicker-less!

KW: Oh Knicker-less!

NP: Because I didn't have any!

KW: I didn't know this! Is it another story? I never knew that you had no knickers!

NP: Clement Freud, you should listen to what the others say in the show Kenneth. It might help you to get more points. This is what Clement was going on about.

KW: Oh I see, I do withdraw. I withdraw my allegations. I'm so sorry.

NP: There were no allegations, they were great fun. I disagree with the challenge, Clement has a point, 12 seconds on knickers Clement starting now.

CF: In the early part of this century one of the commonest crimes was for me to put a piece of looking glass into the sole of their shoe and slide it under ladies who were walking past. And by looking down they were able...


NP: Such devious ideas kept Clement Freud going until the whistle went...

CF: It's true!

NP: ... gained the extra point... I know but it's still a devious idea, isn't it. It may be true...

CF: The first idea might be devious, after that, it was repetition.

NP: Oh don't be so difficult, Clement! You've now gone into the lead, alongside Kenneth Williams. Kenneth, will you begin, the subject is making friends. Can you talk to us about that now for 60 seconds starting now.

KW: What is the meaning, the real thing behind a relationship? Whereby you can pour it all out, chaff and grain together, knowing that a faithful...


NP: Aimi Macdonald has challenged, why?

AM: Well it's sort of cheating really, isn't it. I mean, he's drawing out all these words so that it takes...

KW: Isn't it marvellous?

AM: ... fewer words to speak a longer time...

KW: Innit marvellous!

PJ: Yes and he does it every week you know!

KW: She can hardly talk herself! (does impression of AM's voice)

NP: Kenneth...

PJ: But Aimi doesn't come in here very often!

KW: I don't care if she comes here often, or if she comes here at all!

NP: Kenneth! We'll send you back to King's Cross for a bit...

CF: I think it's a mistake having women on the programme.

KW: We should never have had women on this programme! Never! Never!

NP: Kenneth!

KW: They give us trouble endlessly, don't they Clement?

NP: Kenneth!

CF: We never have any women on this side.

KW: No! Thank goodness for that!

CF: We manage, we manage very well indeed!

NP: You are not going to lose the subject...

CF: Oh good!

NP: But...

CF: You want to give Aimi a point?

NP: ...what I was going to say to you...

CF: You want to give Aimi a point!

NP: No, I...

CF: You don't want to give Aimi a point?

NP: Clement Freud, you're worse than Kenneth Williams. I was about to say, I was about to say that if you do go any further, any slower, that I will interpret it as hesitation or even deviation. And I'm just warning you that you were going as slow as you could possibly go. You have 43 seconds to continue at that speed on making friends starting now.

KW: Well now it's ruined me, because I've lost all me flow!


NP: Your flow? I've never seen so much flow! It was flowing... what was your challenge, Clement challenged you.

CF: Deviation.

NP: No he wasn't devious, you have another point. Um he was going on making friends, he made a friend with me then. Um 40 seconds on making friends Kenneth starting now.

KW: (in Winston Churchill slow voice, slower than earlier) Stretch out your hair and stand. A faithful one will take it, nay in return. And then what is worth keeping will with a breath of kindness blow all the evil thought away, and say here is my one true love who came from the nether regions, least expected but most wanted and desired. And I glanced at him in my arms, said, like a brother wept, and said this is the greatest moment of all. Can we...


NP: Well Winston Churchill was then speaking as the whistle went and so he gained an extra point for Kenneth Williams who has now increased his lead at the end of that round. Clement Freud would you begin the next round. From making friends, we have making enemies. Can you talk on that subject for 60 seconds starting now.

CF: I find it so incredibly difficult to make enemies that the only way I've managed is to produce them myself. I buy quite a lot of rubber and string, and bits of plank, and I create my own enemies. I make their legs and tie them together at the top with straw, and then using asbestos and plaster-of-paris I fashion a body upon which I put a neck, followed by a head. Using my thumb and forefinger, I indent the surface...


NP: Aimi Macdonald has challenged, why?

AM: Deviation, I don't know what, he's not talking about making enemies.

NP: No, they're inanimate enemies. I mean enemies, one assumes, you...

CF: They're still enemies.

NP: Why?

CF: They're going to hate me!

NP: Oh that's only in your fantasy. Because an inanimate object has, is incapable of hate. You've admitted it. I agree with Aimi's challenge, making enemies is still with you Aimi with 27 seconds to go starting now.

AM: It is obviously much easier to make enemies than it is to make friends. All you have to do really is to walk up to somebody and stick your tongue out, or say something rude, and immediately you've got one of those... things...


NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Hesitation.

NP: Yes she stuck her tongue out and...

AM: I couldn't say anything.

NP: Yes, you looked for an enemy and Clement Freud challenged. There are 12 seconds on making enemies now Clement starting now.

CF: Go up to almost anyone and say "you foul mouthed halitosis swine! You dungeon dirty grubby piggy..."



NP: Oh no! Peter Jones, Peter's challenge came in just before the whistle. What is it?

PJ: He hesitated. If it had been another few seconds, he wouldn't have been able to say anything.

NP: Peter, well tried. There was only half a second to go, but if you try too hard, I'm afraid all that happens is that the person you're competing against gets another point alas because it was an incorrect challenge. So at the end of that round, Clement Freud was speaking when the whistle went. He has increased his position in second place, but Kenneth Williams is still in the lead. And Peter Jones, your turn to begin. Conkers. That is the subject, will you talk on it now for Just A Minute starting now.

PJ: The fruit of the horse chestnut. What delightful things they are. Hard, round, and the colour of mahogany...


NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Deviation, they're not round.

NP: Well they're not symmetrically round but they are of a round shape, as opposed to being square. I would never describe a conker as square or rectangular or rhomboid. I would say, if I was trying to keep going for Just A Minute colloquially, I would say it was round.

CF: You would?

NP: I would.

CF: Aha.

KW: What school again?

NP: If you like, I can always....

CF: No, no, no! No, no, no!

NP: I can always put it to the audience and ask them...

CF: No, no, no!

NP: No, you don't wish to. All right Peter, conkers is still with you and there are 52 seconds to go starting now.

PJ: They look good enough to eat, but they don't taste very nice. And they don't smell either. You can however play a game with them. You pierce a hole through, from the bottom to the top, or vice versa, thread some string through and tie a knot. Then if you can find an adjacent small boy with the same equipment, you can stand facing each other and snatch away at each other's conkers. I've done this several times and...


NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: Of course I'm challenging! What's he talking about! Half this audience is appalled! Where are you going to find an adjacent small boy? What's an adjacent small boy? Have you ever heard of an adjacent small boy? If you can find an adjacent small boy?

PJ: Well, under a tree!

NP: Have you never played conkers?

KW: I'm not discussing that!

PJ: You can't...

KW: Well what is an adjacent small boy?

PJ: You can't play it with a boy who isn't adjacent!

NP: Absolutely!

PJ: Because you can't reach!

KW: If this is a valid game, why can't you play it with someone your own age! You dirty... going about looking for adjacent small boys! I accuse you of deviation, the whole deviation!

NP: All right, you've now come out with your challenge, you've accused him of deviation. To my mind he was not deviating from the subject of conkers, the small boy that he was going to play with had to be adjacent to him and that was what to my mind he was wishing to establish. And so we continue with you Peter and there are 23 seconds left on conkers starting now.

PJ: And the outside is very prickly which reminds me of a number of people I know...


NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged. Why?

KW: The outside of a conker aint prickly at all! He said it's smooth and round, now he's gone back on it all and said it's prickly!

PJ: The outside cover is prickly.

NP: No actually Peter, I think I've got to be fair here. The outside cover...

PJ: Why start being fair at this point in the thing!


NP: Oh! You almost deserve a bonus point for that, Peter! Conker is to my mind the article inside, that rounded article which is brown and the covering, the horse chestnut green is the spiky bit. Therefore we're not on conkers, I agree with Kenneth's challenge, you have 17 seconds Kenneth, conkers starting now.

KW: The word of course has come to mean barmy. They say he's stark raving conkers. And this now...


NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: No, they say bonkers! They don't say conkers!

NP: All right! Kenneth Williams is now giving an impression of someone who's stark raving bonkers! Peter Jones has a correct challenge and a point and conkers is back with you, 10 seconds starting now.

PJ: And it is of course something that people do...


NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Repetition of of course.

NP: You rotten thing!

CF: I do...

PJ: I didn't say of course.

CF: Yes you did! You did! You said of course.

NP: You did, I'm afraid. And I have to be fair within the rules of the game, you said it once, and if he wishes to challenge on it then I have to award him a point and tell him he has seven seconds on conkers Clement starting now.

CF: When I was 10 years old, I had a fiver which meant a conker which had conquished or vanquished or won...


NP: Clement Freud was then speaking when the whistle went so he has taken the lead at the end of that round. Kenneth Williams, your turn to begin, roundabouts. Can you talk on that one for 60 seconds starting now.

KW: I adore them! And when I get on the Khyam which are scooter like in their motion, you have to put one hand down to almost propel the entire machine, so to speak, which are in certain children's playgrounds. I adore them, the adrenaline flows...


NP: Aimi Macdonald's challenged.

AM: He's just said I adore twice.

NP: Yes I'm afraid you did Kenneth. So Aimi...

KW: Sharp! Straight out of the knife box, isn't she!

NP: So Aimi your sharp challenge gained you a point and the subject and there are 44 seconds on roundabouts starting now.

AM: I agree with Kenneth, they're absolutely fantastic. You get on and sweep round until you're absolutely dizzy and you can't go round...


NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Repetition of absolutely.

NP: Yes but she was giving an impression of being absolutely dizzy and she was absolutely dizzy as she did it...

CF: Give her a point!

NP: What's that?

CF: So she gets a point!

NP: I'll put it to the audience. It's the last round, we have so little time left to play this game. Do you think I should be generous to Aimi because she doesn't play as much as the others? Or do you think I should be fair to Clement and give him a point? If you think Clement should have the point, will you cheer, and if you think Aimi, will you boo, and will you all do it together now.


NP: Aimi they're booing you. You've got a point from them, roundabouts...

PJ: Did you go to school with Aimi Macdonald?

NP: No I was just...

AM: Have I got a point?

NP: You've got a point from the audience...

AM: For being booed?

NP: Yes, I said if they boo, it's for Aimi Macdonald. I even was generous to Clement and said they could cheer for him for once, instead of booing him.

AM: Oh they were booing for Clement?

NP: No, no, they were booing for you to have a point.

AM: Oh I see.

NP: So you have a point and I wasn't at school with Aimi alas. I'm not quite as young as she is. Aimi you have 35 points... 35, thank you, 35 seconds for roundabouts starting now.

AM: It...


NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Hesitation.

NP: All right, I must be fair this time. Clement you have 33 seconds on roundabouts starting now.

CF: I was once told that what I lost on the swings, I would make up on the roundabouts, and having gone without a great deal of...


NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Hesitation.

NP: Yes Peter, you have roundabouts now and there are 26 seconds left starting now.

PJ: I like them when they have horses and bits of tubular brass going up and down, and a steam organ. That always makes them much more attractive in my mind. And you can get on a swing perhaps which goes right out, centrifugal force causing it to go almost horizontal, over the heads of the gaping crowds at the fairground...


NP: Aimi Macdonald has challenged.

AM: Deviation, because he's stopped talking about roundabouts, talked about hobby horses and that thing...

NP: But the roundabouts at the fair are all...

PJ: They've got swings on, you see.

NP: I mean if you were at the fair, you always refer to everything as a swing or a, you know...

AM: Oh it's the aeroplane things, they're called...

NP: Yes well, or the dodgem cars...

PJ: They're roundabouts because they go round!

NP: They're all roundabouts...

PJ: Oh inevitably, yes.

NP: Well tried, you're up to the boys' games anyway. Only three seconds to go and you nearly got in, but not quite. Peter you have another point, three seconds, roundabouts starting now.

PJ: When I was a boy I wanted to collect money on these things...


NP: Well as I said earlier, I'm afraid this would have to be the last round in this game of Just A Minute so let me now give you the final score. Aimi Macdonald was only just in fourth place, one point behind Kenneth Williams who was in third place, at one time he was our leader. But he wasn't very far behind Clement Freud who was one point behind this week's winner, Peter Jones! We do hope you've enjoyed this week's edition of Just A Minute, from all of us here, good-bye!


ANNOUNCER: The chairman of Just A Minute was Nicholas Parsons, the programme was devised by Ian Messiter and produced by David Hatch.