JAM:KWilliams,CFreud,PJones,AMacdonald
WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE!

starring KENNETH WILLIAMS, CLEMENT FREUD, PETER JONES and AIMI MACDONALD, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 7 October 1975)


THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: We present Kenneth Williams, Clement Freud, Peter Jones and Aimi Macdonald in Just A Minute. And as the Minute Waltz fades away here to tell you about it is our chairman Nicholas Parsons.

NICHOLAS PARSONS: Thank you, thank you very much indeed. Hello and welcome to Just A Minute. And as you've just heard we welcome back Aimi Macdonald this week to take the fourth chair with our three regulars. And once again I'm going to ask them if they can talk for Just A Minute on some subject that I will give them without hesitation, without repetition and without deviating from the subject on the card. And this week we will begin the show with Kenneth Williams. Kenneth the subject is attack. Would you talk to us for 60 seconds on that subject starting now.

KENNETH WILLIAMS: There are all kinds of attack. They are associated mainly with aggression and war. But there is the attack that is requiring verbal dexterity in the theatre, and of course television, and radio. I think especially of Henry Cooper in that incredible victory with that wonderful left punch of his when he stood up so incredibly to Liston. I was absolutely captivated throughout, and thought to myself can we envisage pugilism at a more...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged you.

PETER JONES: Well Henry Cooper never fought Liston.

CLEMENT FREUD: No that's quite right, he didn't.

NP: He didn't fight Sonny Liston.

PJ: No.

NP: You're quite right, well done Peter, therefore you get a point for the correct challenge and you take over the subject and there are 27 seconds left starting now.

PJ: Yes it is something, a quality, that every actor has to possess, on the stage or wherever...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: That's deviation, it's absolute nonsense. Some of the great actors are full of defence and um, have tiny voices and mouse-like...

PJ: But attack is the best form of defence.

CF: Oh nonsense! On the stage you can...

NP: In the theatrical sense, the word is used, I think attack is an essential thing. Peter you have an incorrect challenge, you get a point for that, you have 21 seconds, attack starting now.

PJ: Cassius Clay or as he was known Mohammed Ali...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud.

CF: Deviation.

NP: Why?

CF: Because Mohammed Ali was known as Cassius Clay.

NP: I quite agree, yes it is one... Clement you have a correct challenge there, a point, and you have 18 seconds on attack starting now.

CF: I know a great deal about attack, having served in fish and chip shops at closing time, all over the six counties which are called Terone, Antrim, Derry, and I actually forget the other three...

WHISTLE

NP: The whistle tells us that 60 seconds are up and whoever is speaking at that moment gains an extra point, it was Clement Freud who is equal in the lead with Peter Jones at the end of the round. Clement will you begin the next round please, the subject now is defence. So after attack would you talk on defence for Just A Minute starting now.

CF: I'm always concerned about the use of the word defence, particularly in the Ministry of the Secretary of State for or the Minister. Because it's got to be realised that defence an attack are virtually synonymous. In case of war, the Ministry of Defence, and I've said Ministry twice and somebody will...

BUZZ

NP: Aimi Macdonald has buzzed.

AIMI MACDONALD: He said it twice.

NP: Yes that's quite right. But Aimi do you know what he said twice?

AM: Ah Ministry.

NP: Yes that is perfectly correct. And Aimi you have a correct challenge, you have a point, and we're now going to hear the lovely voice of Aimi Macdonald for 40 seconds if she can keep going on defence starting now.

AM: There are many different ways a lady can defend herself. The best way, my auntie told me, is with a hat pin. This instrument you're supposed to place in that thing you put on top of your head, and then if you're attacked, you take it out and you stick it in the person who is about to attack... oh!

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud.

CF: Hesitation.

NP: Yes so Clement you have a, you have the subject back of defence and there are 18 seconds left starting now.

CF: When I joined the Wandsworth West Jujitsu and Kung Fu Association, defence was one of the most...

BUZZ

NP: Aimi Macdonald has challenged.

AM: Deviation, I don't believe him.

NP: I don't believe it either. Aimi you have a correct challenge, and there are 10 seconds for you now on defence starting now.

AM: I was walking along the street one day quite oblivious to the fact that somebody was following me...

BUZZ

NP: Ah Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: I don't believe a word of it!

NP: You don't believe that Aimi could be oblivious to the fact that someone was following her.

PJ: No.

NP: I think Aimi would be acutely aware of anybody following her. But on this occasion she could be completely oblivious whereas last challenge we do not believe that Jujitsu and Kung Fu organisation exists, so that was deviation, this is. Four seconds Aimi, on defence starting now.

AM: I was actually shop-gazing, but I remember it was a very rainy...

WHISTLE

NP: Well Aimi Macdonald was then speaking when the whistle went, she gained that extra point, she also gained three other points in the round, so she's now taken the lead. Ah Peter Jones would you begin the next round please, sitting on the fence, will you tell us about that uncomfortable subject in 60 seconds starting now.

PJ: Well it was the name of a famous humorous column during the War, written by Nathaniel Gubbins. It was a favourite bit of reading material, I remember. It ah usually...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams.

KW: Hesitation.

NP: Yes I think so Kenneth, there are 46 seconds left for you now on sitting on the fence starting now.

KW: This is a very dangerous thing to do, sitting on the fence. You're liable to split yourself right up the middle. And I would advise all these people who maintain a sort of moral neutrality whenever an issue should be properly decided, to get off of their rump, and make a decision. And that is what the world is about, we all have to make up our minds, whether we want justice done in the world or not...

BUZZ

NP: Aimi Macdonald buzzed.

AM: She's impertinent, isn't she! Comes in here in that terrible wig!

AM: It was repetition.

NP: Yes, of what?

AM: Make, make, make up your mind.

NP: Make up your mind, if course it was.

AM: You kept saying make, darling.

NP: Aimi there are 22 seconds left and you, and you now have the subject of sitting on the fence starting now.

AM: In order to get on the fence, first of all, you have to raise your skirt, put one foot on the lower rung, and the other... oh!

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

AM: I was about to...

CF: Hesitation.

NP: Yes there was.

AM: I was going to say foot, you're absolutely right.

NP: There are 11 seconds left for sitting on the fence with you Clement starting now.

CF: One of the most dangerous aspects of sitting on the fence is that the fence is likely to have all sort of jewellery, coins and other stolen goods on their person...

BUZZ

NP: Um Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: This is ludicrous! Deviation! You wouldn't sit on that kind of fence! And if he does, it's devious in the extreme!

NP: I think that's a very ingenious subject.

KW: I think the audience agree with me.

NP: The audience agree with you, but the chairman doesn't. Clement you have only one second left for sitting on the fence starting now.

CF: Barbed wire.

WHISTLE

NP: Clement Freud has now taken the lead, one ahead of Aimi Macdonald. Aimi it's your turn to begin, the subject is listening. Can you talk about that for 60 seconds starting now.

AM: The essence of good conversation is of course listening, as we all have to do sitting here on this panel. When Kenneth Williams rambling on for hours and hours and hours... oh! I've done it!

NP: Keep going.

AM: Oh... oh...

NP: Go on!

AM: Can I?

NP: Go on.

AM: I mean we're all listening to him you see, which is wonderful as he can usually do it very well. And then um... chatterboxes you see are hopeless listeners. They never listen to what anybody says and therefore make bad conversationalists. I was listening the other day to the sounds of beautiful birds while I was sitting on top of a fence, while... while waiting for the gentleman who was following me to catch up with me, because I had a hat pin... and I would have attacked him had he got any closer. And I feel perfectly sure that my minute must have been up long ago...

WHISTLE

AM: Oh you're wicked!

NP: Well I think our three regulars, very unsportingly, let Aimi continue and they enjoyed watching her squirm as she tried to talk about listening for 60 seconds. But she did keep going without being interrupted so she gets an extra point for that. And so she is now in the lead again. Kenneth we're back with you to start and the subject is now Napoleon The Third.

KW: Eh?

NP: Well you know a great deal about history, and Ian Messiter's thought Napoleon The Third would be a good one for you to talk about so would you start now.

KW: Well with a great deal of odd-jobbery and snobbery and done up in clothes fit indeed for a Queen, him and this Empress who was called Eugenie had the honour I suppose of opening the Suez Canal. And thus adding considerably to the revenues of imperial France. He was the son of Louis Bonaparte who you will recall is the third son of the...

BUZZ

NP: Aimi Macdonald challenged.

AM: Ah two sons.

KW: Oh well let's hear her because she's so wonderful! Oh yes this will be enlightening won't it! Aimi Macdonald on Napoleon The Third, yes! Oh pin back your lugholes, you're in for a wonderful evening!

NP: There are 33 seconds Aimi, for you to talk on Napoleon The Third starting now.

AM: Right, Napoleon had a beautiful wife called Josephine...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: She's mixing him up with Napoleon The First.

NP: I know she is so she um...

KW: It's deviation.

PJ: She has to introduce Napoleon The Third by talking about Napoleon The First.

KW: Rubbish! It's deviation! The subject is Napoleon The Third, so you can shut your great mouth for a start!

NP: It's perfectly true.

KW: I'll see you outside, don't worry yourself!

NP: Yes he was the grandfather of Napoleon The Third, she wasn't exactly deviating.

KW: He wasn't the grandfather, get your facts right, dearie!

NP: Well what was he then?

CF: The great-grand-uncle.

KW: Precisely.

NP: The great-grand-uncle.

KW: Yes.

NP: Thank you Clement Freud. I still don't think Aimi Macdonald was deviating so she keeps the subject...

KW: Of course you don't because you know about as much about the subject as she does! We're surrounded by illiterates aren't we! Look at her sitting there as bold as brass. She don't care, does she!

AM: Are you ready for me yet?

NP: Twenty-eight seconds for you to talk about Napoleon The Third, Aimi starting now.

AM: Well Napoleon The Third, as you know, was Napoleon The First's great-grand-uncle.

BUZZ

NP: (laughing) Clement Freud.

AM: It was rubbish.

CF: She said he was Napoleon The Third's great-grand-uncle.

AM: I got it wrong, I'm awfully sorry, it was Napoleon The First.

CF: That's what she meant.

NP: Clement you have the subject of Napoleon The Third, and 21 seconds left starting now.

CF: Napoleon The Third was in fact the father of the modern generation of Bonapartes, one of whom, Marie, had a house outside San Tropez to which I was once invited for lunch of quails, followed by oysters...

WHISTLE

NP: Clement we're back with you to begin and the subject is literacy.

CF: Literacy is the quality of being literate, with which sentiment I would like to combine the names of Aimi Macdonald, Kenneth Williams and Peter Jones...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: Well obviously no, nobody in their right mind would couple me, an intellectual giant, with someone like Aimi Macdonald! It's ludicrous!

NP: No...

KW: It's deviation of the worst kind, it's misleading this intelligent and charming audience right up the garden!

NP: Well of course it is because she's so much more beautiful than you are.

KW: We're not discussing that, we're discussing literacy, you great fool! Why don't you look at what's on the card!

NP: Clement you have 48 seconds to continue on literacy starting now.

CF: If you were to go to a public library and begin by reading all the books... that are written by...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams.

KW: Hesitation.

NP: Yes I agree Kenneth, you have, now have 43 seconds to talk on literacy starting now.

KW: The entussusection which will take place in any gomphotic characters inhibited in the world of the Gothic novel and the actual Belarius personages therein depicted will find a range of beautiful creations to excite the imagination and inspire one with a fervent hope to return to that romantic glade of academe wherein all the fountain of truly Greek inspiration is to be found. I am reminded of that wonderful sonnet, a thing of beauty...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones, no, Peter Jones challenged you with just half a second to go. Peter what is it?

PJ: We were going to go on about this sonnet, you see, and that's not what we're talking about.

NP: Oh I think, though I didn't understand a word of it, I do think he was being extraordinarily literate.

PJ: You did?

NP: It may have been illiterate as well, but on the other hand it made sense and I think that it's an incorrect challenge, there's half a second for you Kenneth on literacy starting now.

KW: Oh I'm hopeless now, I mean...

WHISTLE

NP: Well Kenneth showed his literary paces, he was so overcome with joy he kissed Clement Freud on his beard, and ah he's in third place behind Aimi Macdonald and Clement Freud. Peter Jones it's your turn to begin, the subject is useful insects. Can you talk about useful insects in 60 seconds starting now.

PJ: Well aside from those insects they squeeze and put the blood into...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: I don't go about squeezing, what's he saying, they squeeze? Who squeezes the things?

PJ: I set aside.

NP: Well some people squeeze insects you know, to kill them.

KW: You go around watching people squeeze them?

NP: I don't watch them do it, no, I turn away, it's rather unpleasant I think. But they still do it so he wasn't deviating. So Peter you keep the subject, you have 55 seconds on useful insects starting now.

PJ: And they make cochineal and dye icing sugar with it, but quite apart from those of course, bees are insects supreme, a tremendous boon to mankind. The manufacturer of this honey, all over the country they're collecting from flowers and blossoms and trees and putting it in the hive where the beekeeper or apiarist as he is sometimes known collects it and substitutes sugar so that these insects can live through the winter on this substitute food. And we on the other hand can use this product for ah...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth challenged.

KW I thought it was hesitation.

NP: It was hesitation yes, he was going so well on a difficult subject and he did it for 45 seconds. You came in, you take back the subject, you don't take it, you take it over, useful insects starting now.

KW: The most useful insect is unquestionably the spider. How often have I seen them weaving that incredible web and into it go all the nasty bluebottles which I hate, and...

WHISTLE

NP: Ah just have to tell you Kenneth as you rush round here that a spider is not actually an insect.

KW: What is it?

IAN MESSITER: An arachnida.

NP: It's an arachnida.

KW: What?

NP: An arachnida. Aren't you literate? But you did, you weren't challenged, you kept going till the whistle went so you got that extra point, and you're still in third place. And Aimi Macdonald, your turn to begin. Aimi, the subject jazz. Will you tell us something about that in Just A Minute starting now.

AM: Oh I love jazz! From the tinkle of Earl Garner and Oscar Peterson to the horns of Gerry Mulligan, Dizzy Gillespie...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud.

CF: Deviation. Gerry Mulligan never had horns!

NP: But he played the horn.

AM: Yes that's...

CF: A horn!

NP: I think you're being pedantic Clement. It was an incorrect challenge, there are 50 seconds left for jazz Aimi starting now.

AM: In fact my ideal of an evening is to go home and put on Ella Fitzgerald and sit there, drinking champagne, listening to the strains of her lovely voice, coming out of my stereo boxes on either side of my room. (laughs) Then...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

AM: I haven't finished yet darling!

KW: She did her pratfalls and did a sort of daft laugh to me!

NP: You did hesitate Aimi. There are 20, no, there are 31 seconds left for jazz Kenneth, it's with you starting now.

KW: Well I saw the lady whom Aimi Macdonald has just described once, sing in my solitude. And I was deeply moved. I have never seen it or heard it done so indescribably beautifully in my entire existence. And I think you will all agree I am something of a musicologist. I have never in...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: I don't agree he is a musicologist. And I don't, by the way, agree that he is an intellectual giant either!

NP: Peter Jones has a correct challenge and he has five seconds for jazz...

KW: What was correct about it?

NP: We don't believe that you're something of a musicologist. You're shattered, aren't you! So Peter has a challenge...

KW: You've got a nerve!

NP: I know I have. I'll tell you something else, you've got to have a bloomin' nerve to do this show up here! And that's all it needs! Um five seconds Peter for jazz starting now.

PJ: I heard WC Handy himself play the St Louis Blues, and that was...

WHISTLE

NP: Kenneth we're back with you to start and the subject now is my life so far.

KW: My life so far takes into account the fact that my career in the theatre, as you're all well aware from the voluminous entry in Who's Who, began in the sunny area of south-west Cornwall. And when I appeared on the stage, there was a gasp of unbelief from the auditorium...

BUZZ

NP: Aimi Macdonald challenged.

AM: There's no such word as unbelief, it's disbelief isn't it.

NP: You're quite right Aimi.

KW: On the contrary, there is unbelief.

NP: It's unbelievable...

KW: I'm not having anyone overrule my use of English, and least of all, I'll have it overruled by a great nit like her!

NP: We're not allowed to say anything when you're in full flood, so shut up!

KW: Oh thank you! Very nice!

NP: You used the word in the wrong context.

KW: Rubbish! You don't know anything about it!

NP: And Aimi picked you up on that and she's right and she has 37 seconds, my life so far starting now.

AM: Gosh I'm wonderful! My life so far has been one merry-go-round of ups and downs. Sometimes when I feel in a gay mood, I think to myself of my childhood days when I used to go along in...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: Hesitation.

NP: Yes all right Kenneth, you have a hesitation there and you have 20 seconds on my life so far starting now.

KW: And the gun had to be produced so that he could be murdered in the third act, and the entire plot clinched. But the bullet did not fire...

BUZZ

NP: Aimi Macdonald has challenged you again.

AM: Deviation, that's nothing to do with his life, or is it...

NP: Well he was...

KW: I began by describing my career, you great fool!

NP: Aimi he had established that he was talking about his career and he's gone back to the play. And I happen to know it was in Rep, and I was there, believe it or not! And so he wasn't actually deviating so Kenneth continue for another 12 seconds if you can, my life so far starting now.

KW: Without the weapon he could not be killed. So a kick in the behind and he staggered to the floats and cried out "the boot was poisoned!" And then...

WHISTLE

NP: Well Kenneth's life so far, with that one story, it was a very short life wasn't it, just that one episode in the play. Um back with Aimi Macdonald to start and the subject is face powder. Aimi would you tell us something about that in Just A Minute starting now.

AM: Face powder comes in two varieties, the loose sort or the cake sort. It is used...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Repetition of sort.

AM: Oh repetition! I did two sorts!

NP: Sorry Aimi, Clement has a correct challenge and there are now 54 seconds...

AM: He doesn't know anything about face powder!

NP: We'll soon find out! Clement, face powder starting now.

CF: When the Spanish police arrested me and kept me for three weeks in a prison cell...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams.

KW: Well deviation, he was never in a Spanish jail! It's all lies!

NP: I believe you, and Clement, Kenneth, you have the subject now of face powder and there are 37 seconds left starting now.

KW: Well I have often been known to disappear in a flurry of talcum powder. And I do find it commendable...

BUZZ

NP: Aimi Macdonald has challenged.

AM: Deviation, talcum powder has got nothing to do with face powder.

KW: Oh yes it has.

NP: Oh it has.

KW: You can use it on your face if you wish to.

NP: It doesn't mean to say that you can't use it on your face.

KW: Thank you very much indeed.

NP: And there are 32 seconds left starting now.

KW: Yes of course it is a delightful substance and I do fancy the poudre rachelle myself. I always accompany that by a little highlighting on the cheekbones of crimson or rouge as it is more vulgarly known by hoi polloi. And then a little darkening...

BUZZ

NP: Aimi Macdonald has challenged.

AM: What's hoi polloi?

NP: The many, it's Greek for hoi, the, and polloi, many, the many.

AM: Oh he's at it again, isn't he.

NP: Yes he is! Sorry Aimi wrong challenge and Kenneth you have 11 seconds for face powder starting now.

KW: The face powder of course will often be determined by...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud.

CF: Repetition of of course.

NP: I'm afraid you did say it too many...

KW: Oh how foolish of me!

NP: Well it's Clement, there's nine seconds left for face powder with you starting now.

CF: And as the revolver was pulled, or at least the trigger was depressed...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: Deviation, it has nothing to do with face powder.

CF: Mmmm!

NP: Well he hasn't actually established, he might have been going on...

KW: Do you mean to tell me you could legitimately begin a discussion of face powder with a pulling of the trigger of the revolver?

NP: Yes I can see a connection right away because you were talking about a theatrical production where you did something similar or another character on the stage did. So I think he probably was leading up to, and you didn't give him a chance to establish...

KW: Oh we've got to give him a chance, rightho then we'd better give him a chance.

NP: Two seconds, face powder Clement, starting now.

CF: The officer said "cover his eyes..."

WHISTLE

NP: I've just received a message that we have no more time, I'm afraid I have to wind up the game. So let me tell you that in this game Peter Jones came a good fourth, in the sense that he was good but he was fourth. And Clement Freud became, well, he came a marvellous second. Because he was only one point behind this week's winner, who this week is Kenneth Williams! We hope that you have enjoyed listening to Just A Minute, from all of us here, good-bye!

THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: The chairman of Just A Minute was Nicholas Parsons, the programme was devised by Ian Messiter, and produced by John Lloyd.