ANNOUNCER: We present Kenneth Williams, Clement Freud, Peter Jones and Aimi Macdonald in Just A Minute. And as the Minute Waltz fades away here to tell you about it is our chairman Nicholas Parsons.

NICHOLAS PARSONS: Thank you, thank you very much indeed, hello and welcome to Just A Minute. And once again it's my great pleasure to welcome back Aimi Macdonald to play against our three regular male players, er, panellists of Just A Minute. And once again I'm going to ask them all to talk if they can on some unlikely subject without hesitation, without repetition and without deviating from the subject which is written on the card in front of me. Let us begin the show this week with Kenneth Williams. Kenneth, a delightful subject for you to start the show, getting launched on the waters of oratory. Something you've done impeccably and magnificently in Just A Minute. Will you talk on the subject now for 60 seconds starting now.

KENNETH WILLIAMS: (speaking in a strange accent going into being unintelligible) Well I would say the secret lies, of course, in the business of becoming totally uninhibited. And establishing a kind of wherewithal from which you can...


NP: Aimi Macdonald has challenged, why?

AIMI MACDONALD: Well I can't understand what he's saying!


NP: So what is your challenge? Hesitation?

AM: Well what about deviation?

NP: Well no it's hesitation...

AM: Well it could be deviation because he could be talking about anything as far as I'm concerned.

NP: Well of course, yes, it is difficult. Actually Kenneth we had this recently and I know you felt a little bit cheated by it. The thing is we couldn't quite hear you. I think the best thing to do...

KW: Well I think you'd best ask the producer, I mean, could you hear me all right there?


KW: Yes, he says yes. That's enough for me. The producer can hear, that's all right.

NP: I, look...

KW: We're not interested in whether she can hear! It's not for her! It's for the audience at the other end of the box. That's what we've got to abide by.

NP: If she can't hear you over there it is deviation...

KW: We're not concerned if she can hear or not! Half the time she wants to wash her ears out! Look at her! Sitting there smoking fags like there's no tomorrow! It's a disgrace! She's no right to be sitting there discussing my ability!

NP: All right then, when I have a difficult decision to make...

KW: All right, I'll go on with it then.

NP: ... I have to call on the wisdom...

KW: Oh dear, oh dear, oh!

NP: ... of the audience. Because if you can't hear or it's so quiet it could be hesitation, then you have a legitimate challenge. If you think that Aimi's challenge was legitimate, will you cheer. And if you disagree will you boo and will you all do it together now.


NP: They feel Kenneth, they would like you to continue on the waters of oratory. So it's an incorrect challenge, you have a point for that, you have 47 seconds, getting launched on the waters of oratory starting now.

KW: And so finding the right wavelength, one finds immediately the curfew tolls the knoll of parting day, the lowing herd winds slowly on the lead, the ploughman homeward plugs his weary way and leaves the world to darkness and to me. Now fails the...


NP: Peter Jones has challenged you, why?

PETER JONES: That's not oratory, it's poetry.


KW: No! Shut up! Shut up! That was the one, he was the one who did a whole load of Shakespeare on this programme for hours and hours on end and when I questioned it, and said it's nothing to do with speaking extemporaneously, you said "nevertheless he's speaking on the subject, it is all right..."

PJ: The subject was something to do with what I was saying!

KW: ... and now he goes on about Caesar striding like some Colossus!

NP: Now Kenneth, are you finished?

KW: Yes.

NP: Good! Kenneth that was quite a different subject at a different time. The thing is this was poetry and you were not therefore getting launched on the waters of oratory. I think...

PJ: He was sinking in a morass of it!

NP: I think I'm justified in giving a point to Peter for a correct challenge and 20 seconds left on the subject starting now.

PJ: I think of the great speakers in the House of Commons, in the Senate of America and even in Hyde Park. I can recall listening to speakers there...


NP: Ah Clement Freud has challenged.

CLEMENT FREUD: I don't seem to have said anything! He did say speakers twice.

NP: Yes, I'm glad you said that because...

KW: Yes I was going to say that, yes.

AM: So was I!

NP: I can't give you a point for the fact that you haven't spoken! We haven't been...

CF: I just wanted to say hello.

NP: Well all right, the audience I know are endeared to you already, because I know, anyway, a correct challenge for repetition of speaker, and so you take the subject, having gained a point and there are seven seconds left, getting launched on the waters of oratory starting now.

CF: A godchild of my wife's was christened in Brompton, Oratory, and we were privileged to see her lifted...


NP: That was a very nice way of taking that particular subject. And Clement Freud was then speaking when the whistle went and as you know the whistle tells us that 60 seconds are up. And whoever is speaking at that particular moment gains an extra point. Clement Freud, you got in at the end of that round, you have two now. And Kenneth Williams and Peter Jones have one, Aimi has yet to score, isn't it an exciting game! Peter Jones will you begin the next round for us, the subject, knights of old. Will you talk about that for just one minute starting now.

PJ: They certainly were very brave, if small and slightly built men, who were always...


NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: Hesitation.

NP: Yes I think it was just slow enough to be a hesitation, so I'm giving the benefit of the doubt, because it's often difficult to judge, to Kenneth Williams. A correct challenge, 50 seconds on knights of old Kenneth starting now.

KW: (soft, strange and virtually unintelligible) I think we'd all agree that most of our knowledge about the knights is derived largely from Mallory...


NP: Aimi Macdonald has challenged.

AM: I'm sorry but he's doing it again!

NP: Well this time I'm going to give it you Aimi...

AM: Thank you.

NP: ...and say you have 46 seconds on nights starting now.

AM: In the olden days, it must have been wonderful to be a damsel and been surrounded by all these knights. Because the lovely thing was you thought so safe you see. You could walk down the street in your long flowing robes and somebody would come along and attack you. And it wouldn't worry you one little bit because you knew...


NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged you, why?

KW: Deviation, anyone who was attacked would be worried!

NP: I think Aimi, if you were attacked you would be worried.

AM: I'm saying you wouldn't worry about being attacked.

NP: No I think...

AM: You didn't, you didn't let me finish what I was trying to say. Then you would have understood what I was trying to say.

NP: Yes I know, but if we let you finish then you can't be had for deviation, repetition or hesitation! No, I think he got in quite accurately because anyone, anyone...

AM: He's not in a very good mood today, is he.

NP: No, but he wants to get the subject back, he'll be in a very very good mood. Knights of old is with you Kenneth, 26 seconds left starting now.

KW: And of course, as Mallory rightly tells us, Arthur said to Guinever "when we two meet again for..."


NP: Aimi Macdonald has challenged.

AM: Deviation.

NP: Why?

AM: How does he know what Arthur said to Guinedere, or whatever her name is.

NP: Well he could have read it in a book, you know.

AM: Well if he has...

KW: It has been chronicled, you know, dearie!

NP: Kenneth, you have knights of old and there are 15, 16 seconds to go starting now.

KW: Thou shalt spring to me and claim me by...


NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Deviation.

NP: Why?

CF: Arthur was a King, Guinevere a Queen, the subject is knights of old.

NP: But it doesn't matter...

AM: Ah.

NP: If you talk about knights of old, the knights of old were associated with the Queens. So you have the subject, you have 11 seconds left on knights of old Kenneth starting now.

KW: And said thou shalt go forth on that great barge under the west, and like a swarm, swan, swooving swan... I've gone!


NP: Clement Freud managed to get in. You should have kept going because there's only half a second left. Clement you challenged?

CF: Hesitation.

NP: Yes you could have kept going and they wouldn't have got you Kenneth.

KW: No I have to hand it to Clement because he's got a hawk-like ear you know. You know what I mean?

NP: Yes.

KW: He's very very sharp.

NP: He's very sharp. He can pick up you when you speak quietly.

KW: Yes! No, no, no!

NP: Clement you have one second left on knights of old starting now.

CF: Knights of old.


NP: Well Clement Freud may have got the point for speaking when the whistle went but Kenneth Williams with knights of old managed to get quite a number of points and has gone into the lead at the end of that round. Aimi Macdonald we'd like you to begin the next round and the subject is me. So can you talk about me, we love it when you talk about me. So will you talk about me now, for 60 seconds starting now.

AM: I am a girl, born in February in early 1940-bleurgh-bleurghm...


NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: Well I think that's hesitation, bleugh-bleurgh-bleurghm!

NP: It was a repetition of ba-ba-ba but it was not hesitation. So Aimi has a point...

AM: Thank you.

KW: I've never heard such rubbish! What sort of chairman are you? I mean...

NP: You have 49 seconds left on me Aimi starting now.

KW: What a chairman! I mean he's not even playing the game fairly!

AM: This me makes me astrologically er...


NP: Kenneth, Clement Freud has challenged.

AM: Oh I was hesitating...

PJ: We know what kind of chairman he is.

NP: Yes that's right.

PJ: A very heterosexual chairman!

NP: Yes you were being...

AM: I wasn't hesitating, I was waiting...

NP: I know you were being barracked, you were being barracked by the opposition.

AM: Oh.

NP: And it's not permitted especially to the ladies in the game. They can barrack the men but not the ladies.

AM: Thank you.

NP: So you have 46 seconds on me starting now.

AM: This makes me a Pisces or as some people would say a piss-keys which astrologically is two little fish...


NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

AM: I said that twice, I know.

CF: Well she did say astrologically twice.

AM: Yes.

NP: Clement you have a correct challenge and you have 37 seconds on me starting now.

CF: Me is the second syllable of Aimi Macdonald's Christian name and a very beautiful...


NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Hesitation.

NP: Yes.

CF: All I wanted to say.

NP: Clement looked at Aimi Macdonald and just paused.

CF: All I wanted to say, it wasn't a hesitation.

NP: Yes well Peter you got in there first and there are 31 seconds on me starting now.

PJ: It's the note that follows doe-ray and precedes so-far-tee-doe...


NP: Aimi Macdonald has challenged. Why?

AM: It's wrong, it's doe-ray-me-far-so. He said so-far.

NP: Yes but you see, the trouble is Aimi that it is quite correct to say that it does precede those other notes that he mentioned.

AM: No, it does not precede far, it precedes so.

PJ: Not directly, but it does, that's ahead of it, isn't it.

NP: In other words, he didn't say them in the right sequence, but it doesn't matter. He did say it precedes them, so he has a point for an incorrect challenge and he has 23 seconds on me starting now.

PJ: And I was born a few years before Aimi Macdonald, and I'm dark and (laughs)


NP: Oh Aimi you challenged, oh Kenneth you challenged, why?

KW: Well I mean he's not dark at all. Look at him!

NP: No! Oh that's terribly unfair, Peter's going slightly grey at the temples!

KW: It's neither here nor there whether he's going grey, he simply is not dark!

PJ: Well I know, I am prematurely grey. But you know...

NP: Fifteen seconds for you Kenneth on me starting now.

KW: Me became famous at the County Hall when singing Leidre, I sprang forward into the footlights and rendered this incredible version of Eich Vein Un...


NP: Well they didn't dare challenge him on...

KW: So I must be in the lead. Right?

NP: Kenneth you have been in the lead for two rounds now.

KW: Good for me! Aren't it marvellous!

NP: Having got into the lead for once, you held the lead and you're still there. Clement Freud your turn to begin, how to improve the memory. Can you talk to us about that for 60 seconds starting now.

CF: I was once told a method of improving the memory, but I regret to say that I've forgotten! Quite the easiest way of doing it is to look at notices and the scriptures and remember everything that you see or read or hear and try to get total recall so that the memory is improved. But there are other ways. There's a class in the centre of London where a man who looks particularly unpleasant on the advertisements promises to teach you how you never ever forget anybody'telephone number, mother-in-law, favourite colour and jewel, let alone their astrological and astronomic signs. He is called Walter C Hirschfield, a name which I nearly forgot but thought...


NP: Peter Jones has challenged, why?

PJ: Repetition of name.

NP: Yes, whose name I forget and whose name I nearly forgot. You mentioned his name before. So Peter has a correct challenge with six and a half seconds on how to improve the memory starting now.

PJ: The thing to do is to associate the word with another one, so if one is trying to recall...


NP: Peter Jones was then speaking when the whistle went so he has gained the extra point. He's now equal in second place with Clement Freud behind Kenneth Williams, and Aimi Macdonald is just one, two points beside, two points behind them. Kenneth, your turn to begin and the subject, Hero's fountain. Can you talk to us about that subject that Ian has obviously specially thought of for you starting now.

KW: Well I would say that this all stems from ancient Greece. And I think I'm right when I maintain that they are referring to a great mathematician and of course the business of displacing a boiling...


NP: Aimi Macdonald has challenged you.

AM: Deviation.

NP: Why?

AM: Hero wasn't a mathematician.

NP: Well I'm afraid Hero was a mathematician. There's not everything known about Hero but there are certain things that are known and one was that he was a mathematician. Bad luck Aimi.

AM: Really?

NP: Yes.

AM: I thought she was this Greek goddess.

PJ: I thought he invented the sandwich.

NP: But actually Kenneth you weren't deviating so you have 41 seconds on Hero's fountain starting now.

KW: Inverting a substance which was very comparable to glass, transparent enough to give the same illusion or effect, depending on of course the obvious...


NP: Peter Jones has challenged, why?

PJ: Hesitation.

NP: Yes I've got to give it to you because you know he'd gone so quiet and low, I thought he'd stopped.

PJ: Yes, he did kind of pause.

NP: You did actually really go very quiet and low, we couldn't really hear over here. So Peter has a point and a correct challenge with 26 seconds on Hero's fountain Peter starting now.

PJ: He lived in Alexandria and he invented a primitive form of steam engine which was made of a ceramic material and it boiled when water was put in it and a fire lit underneath...


NP: Aimi Macdonald has challenged.

AM: Well steam engines weren't invented in those days.

NP: No he did establish he invented a rather primitive form of one. He was rather in advance of his time, this character, you know.

AM: Oh I see.

NP: Yes I'm sorry Aimi. Twelve seconds for Peter on Hero's fountain starting now.

PJ: A bit like a humming top, I suppose. And it used to go round. It didn't drive anything or create any power so this could not be harnessed for any practical purpose...


NP: So Hero's fountain with Peter, the extra point going to him for speaking when the whistle went, has taken him into the lead alongside Kenneth Williams at the end of that round. Kenneth you must look to your laurels. Peter Jones... we're back with you, your turn to begin, the subject is dates. Can you talk to us about dates for 60 seconds starting now.

PJ: They are very nourishing. They grow on tall palm trees in...


NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: Deviation, they also grow on very short ones.

NP: That's quite true Kenneth, and a very nice thought. But you see he wasn't deviating from dates by saying they grow on very tall palm trees. Fifty-three seconds on dates Peter starting now.

PJ: And as I was going to say, on very small ones. And in North Africa, in Australia, in California, they are a great delicacy because they can be eaten raw when they are fresh, or alternately they make a very appetising dessert when the stone is removed and they are stuffed with whipped cream, perhaps flavoured with a dash of some tangy licquer or even a grain or two of nutmeg. This would be an unconventional flavouring I admit. But on the other hand it was Winston Churchill's favourite sweet...


NP: I'm sorry, we loved this, we were all, had our mouths watering, but Aimi challenged you. Why?

AM: Um er because hesitation.

PJ: I wasn't hesitating.

NP: Indigestion yes! Hesitation no.

PJ: No, I didn't have a trace of hesitation.

NP: Twelve seconds for you with dates Peter starting now.

PJ: And this great statesman when entertaining his cronies at 10 Downing Street or in the alternative...


NP: Clement Freud has challenged, why?

CF: We've already had an alternative.

NP: Yes we have.

PJ: I don't think we've had an alternative.

NP: I thought you said alternately before actually. Not alternative.

PJ: I didn't say alternative.

NP: No I don't think he said alternative.

PJ: No I didn't.

NP: I'll put it to the audience. I can't remember, did he say alternative?

PJ: No they know I didn't.


NP: Wait a minute! You have to do it together. If he said alternative, cheer, and if he didn't say it, boo, and all do it together now.


NP: According to their memory he did say alternative. So Clement Freud you have the subject with three seconds on dates starting now.

CF: In history class at school it was terribly...


NP: So Clement Freud was speaking then when the whistle went, he gained the extra point. But he's still in third place behind Kenneth Williams who's in second place behind Peter Jones. And Aimi Macdonald it's your turn to begin, the little things of life. That is what Ian Messiter's thought of and will you talk about that subject for 60 seconds starting now.

AM: When I wake up in the morning and drag myself out of bed, go over to the window and open the curtains, looking out into the garden I see a cherry tree in full blossom and I think "oh isn't that lovely". It's the little things in life that matter. And the sun is shining down on me and I feel exactly the same way. And then I go and potter round and do my little bits and pieces. And I open the front door and there on the doorstep is a milk bottle, also conveniently placed just for me to reach down, pick it up, put it in the fridge, for a very convenient cup of tea. And I think that now really matters to me, the fact that I...


NP: Kenneth Williams has, I'm afraid, challenged you before you got to your cup of tea.

AM: Oh.

NP: What was the challenge Kenneth?

KW: Repetition of convenient twice.

NP: Yes, convenient. The idea of her having a cup of tea in the fridge rather fascinated me! Kenneth you have a point and you have 20 seconds on the little things of life starting now.

KW: This is particularly appropriate apropos myself. Because as you've noticed, my stature is not large. But as was once very rightly made plain it is not the size, it is the quality that counts. And even a second of me...


NP: When he talked about the quality, he got quite emotional and his voice almost disappeared. But Kenneth the whistle went to save you or to help you get extra points shall we say. And you have got back in to the lead alongside Peter Jones at the end of that round. Clement Freud your turn to begin, the subject precision. Can you talk about precision for 60 seconds starting now.

CF: As a quality precision is exceedingly tedious. You meet someone who says to you, at 4.15pm Thursday the 15th of July nineteen hundred and forty-nine, I blew my nose twice, which cannot conceivably be of...


NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Repetition of blowing his nose twice!

NP: All right, so it was repetitious of that character to blow his nose twice but Clement was not deviating from the subject by saying the man blew his nose twice.

PJ: No it was just only the same kind of challenge that is often made to me. That's all, it's not er, I quite accept, I quite accept...

NP: And usually I've usually given them against him, and I'm going to give it against you on this occasion, and say that Clement has 44 seconds on precision starting now.

CF: I know a woman who had three children, each one of which was born at exactly the same moment on a second Tuesday in August...


NP: Kenneth Williams you have...

KW: I think hesitation, don't you.

NP: Do you think hesitation?

KW: Yes, I fancy it.

NP: I'm ruddy sure there was hesitation! And you were the first one to get in so you have 20 seconds on precision Kenneth starting now.

KW: It of course means when we say something is baked to a nicety, there you have a statement that could be properly described as one of absolute precision. And in matters of warfare when people must meet and synchronise their watches...


NP: So Kenneth Williams was then speaking when the whistle went...

KW: I think I'll win! Don't you? I think I'll win this week. No, no, seriously.

NP: Well I think you've got a very good chance.

KW: Yes! I must have gone into the lead.

NP: With all the things that have gone on in this particular edition of Just A Minute...

KW: Yes!

NP: I think you have a very good chance...

KW: Oh I'm ever so pleased!

NP: I happen to know what the chances are because the score is in front of me and as we have no more time to play Just A Minute I now will read out the final score. Aimi Macdonald who returned from her glories of her previous visit when she swept all before her with these three tough male opponents, didn't do quite so well. I think she was slightly harassed, slightly barracked on occasions. But she finished in a good fourth position behind Clement Freud, who was in a modest third position to Peter Jones's powerful second position just behind this week's winner...


NP: Quiet! I'm sort of building up to it because I know Kenneth would like it that way. After many weeks of not making it, at last he has! Our winner, Kenneth Williams! So Kenneth, a popular victory is obvious. We do hope you listeners and audience in the studio have enjoyed this edition of Just A Minute and will want to tune in again next time. Until then from all of us here, good-bye.


ANNOUNCER: The chairman of Just A Minute was Nicholas Parsons, the programme was devised by Ian Messiter and produced by Simon Brett.