WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE!
starring KENNETH WILLIAMS, CLEMENT FREUD, PETER JONES and AIMI MACDONALD, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 21 December 1971)
NOTE: Nicholas Parsons's 100th appearance, Clement Freud's 100th appearance, Ian Messiter's 100th appearance blowing the whistle.
ANNOUNCER: We present Kenneth Williams, Clement Freud, Peter Jones and Aimi Macdonald in Just A Minute. And as the Minute Waltz fades away here to tell you about it is our chairman Nicholas Parsons.
NICHOLAS PARSONS: Thank you very much indeed, welcome once again to Just A Minute. And once again we're delighted to welcome back Aimi Macdonald to do er, pit here feminine wiles against our three tough exponents of the game. And I'm going to ask them to speak once more if they can for just one minute on some unlikely subject without hesitation, without repetition and without deviating from the subject on the card. And according to how well they do this or otherwise they will gain points or their opponents will. And we'll begin the show this week with Aimi Macdonald. How to live to be a hundred years old. Can you talk on that subject for just one minute starting now.
AIMI MACDONALD: Well you should know about that better than me...
NP: Someone has challenged you before you even started. Clement Freud, why?
CLEMENT FREUD: I was being gallantly chivalrous.
NP: And because I disagree with your challenge Aimi Macdonald gains a point and that shows Clement Freud is...
AM: Thank you!
NP: We've only gone two seconds and Aimi Macdonald has one point. Aimi the subject is still how to live to be a hundred years old starting now.
AM: I think if you want to live to be a hundred years old, you have to be very careful about things like food and sleep. You have to eat all the right things and you have to go to bed early and get up early. You know the old saying, early to bed and to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and wise. And I suppose very old too. Because if you do all that, you see, you obviously have time to regenerate yourself and make things a little easier and therefore life becomes a lot easier and very simpler to live...
NP: Um Peter Jones has challenged. Why?
PETER JONES: Repetition of easier.
AM: Oh yes.
NP: Yes. Why did you wait till then Peter?
PJ: Well I...
NP: You thought your chivalry couldn't last out to the end of the minute!
PJ: No I thought their chivalry was probably fading, on the other side there. And I'd better get in!
NP: Ah yes! That is a very true thought. You have to decide when the other people are going to cease to be chivalrous. Peter I agree with your challenge, it was a repetition of easier. So there are 25 seconds for you to take over the subject, and of course a point as well, the subject how to live to be a hundred years old starting now.
PJ: Breathing of course is vitally important. Take long deep easy breaths and if you can continue this for approximately 360,500 days including holidays, Sundays and every other day and Leap Year...
NP: Clement Freud has challenged, why?
CF: Repetition of day. Day day days.
NP: Three hundred and sixty-five days yes and a day. That's right, I got so confused because the Sundays and the Mondays.
IAN MESSITER: The producer says it was day and then days.
CF: And Sunday.
NP: Day and then days. What a difficult thing to have to judge.
PJ: Yes I think the producer's right, actually. Now I... now I think back on it!
NP: As you think the producer's right, then obviously I disagree... No the producer says it was days and day so Clement Freud I disagree with the challenge so that means that Peter Jones gets another point. There are five seconds left for how to live to be a hundred years old starting now.
PJ: Eating of course is also...
NP: Clement Freud why have...
CF: Repetition of of course.
NP: Yes there was an of course before, I'm afraid. So Clement's been very tough with three seconds to go in that round, he gains a point for that, how to live to be a hundred years old Clement starting now.
CF: The problem really starts when you're 99 years old....
NP: The whistle which is blown by Ian Messiter tells us that 60 seconds is up. And whoever is speaking at that particular moment gains an extra point. On this occasion it was once again Clement Freud. At the end of that round he has... no, he's in the lead alongside Peter Jones with two points. Aimi Macdonald has one, and Kenneth Williams has yet to score, in fact he's yet to speak. But he's looking very hopeful over there. I'm...
KENNETH WILLIAMS: You should have added I'm looking modest.
NP: You are, you're looking very modest with a little thing in your lapel. I don't know what it is...
KW: It means that I've won the blue riband.
NP: Yes I didn't know. Your listeners will probably want to hear he has a blue ribbon in his buttonhole. We thought he was probably the prefect for the week. Peter Jones will you begin the next round. And still on the same theme obviously, hundreds and thousands. Can you talk about that subject for 60 seconds starting now.
PJ: Picture if you can an old fashioned kitchen of perhaps the latter part of the last century with a Welsh dresser, cupboard, drawers, shelves, full of glasses, bottles, and boxes, containing ground almonds, Valencia balls, currants, sultanas, raisins and huhdreds and thousands. This is obviously the work room of someone who is dedicated to the ancient art of cake baking. Fruit cakes and the like. Puddings perhaps might also be included in the menu of this household. And very fortunate...
NP: Oh Aimi Macdonald's challenged. Why?
AM: Um what do you call it? Deviation.
AM: Well he's talking about houses and cupboards...
NP: And baking!
AM: ..and shelves and things like that. It's nothing to do with hundreds and thousands, has it?
PJ: Well I couldn't take them one at a time!
NP: No but I think he will establish that hundreds and thousands was only one ingredient of all his baking, and he was on to baking in his houses Aimi. So I agree with your challenge and so you gain a point.
AM: Oh thank you.
NP: And you take over the subject with 14 seconds to go on hundreds and thousands starting now.
AM: If you want to bake a cake, you take a bowl, you see. And in the bowl you put the flour...
NP: Peter Jones has challenged, why?
PJ: Repetition of bowl.
NP: Yes I quite agree, you only want one bowl for the cake Aimi and you had two there.
NP: So there are eight seconds left for you Peter having gained another point, and hundreds and thousands are back with you starting now.
PJ: You take one bowl and a spoon and possibly a dozen eggs...
NP: Peter Jones started with the subject and finished with it and he gained an extra point for speaking when the whistle went. And so now he has a lead of two at the end of that round over everybody else. And Kenneth Williams your turn to begin...
KW: Oh nice!
NP: Yes. Still on the same theme, the hundred days. Can you talk on that subject for 60 seconds starting now.
KW: Well I presume this of course refers to the return from Elba of Napole Bonaparte or Napoleon, whichever you first call him. And he deposed, you know, Louis the 18th and of course his chief operatiste was Houche. Now of course he was found in this cupboard with a woman in a compromising position...
NP: Peter Jones has challenged, why?
KW: She had nothing on...
PJ: Repetition of of course.
KW: So they said you get out of the cupboard, because obviously, you know, she was standing there with only her bra, and him being the Chief of Police they thought we can't have that... what's the matter? What is it? I'm...
NP: Peter Jones is determined to have you for of course which you repeated a little while back.
KW: She done about half a dozen alsos!
PJ: No, I'm Peter Jones!
KW: Oh sorry! Oh I thought it was her! Oh I beg your pardon! Take that wig off! He keeps putting on her things!
NP: Just because they're sitting close together. As it was so long ago I’d better put it to the audience. Let them...
KW: No, no, Peter Jones is perfectly correct. He would never challenge frivolously. Quite right!
NP: Well I...
KW: No, no, I'd rather that it be done that way, I do assure you. Don't give them any chance! Don't give them a chance! We're just throwing it open to mob rule, mate!
NP: As you have now...
KW: I know about the French revolution...
PJ: I repeated of course earlier.
PJ: So it was fresh in my mind.
NP: And as you've now worked them up beautifully into a mob, they're entirely on your side. So you know if I put it to them they'd be for you. And you are being very generous in saying give it to Peter Jones because it was accurate. Peter you have um... you buzzed actually when there were 34 seconds left, we didn't start the clock again. You have another point, the hundred days starting now.
PJ: So Napoleon gathered together the remnants of an Army and marched into Belgium where fortunately there awaiting him were the Armies of Poland and France, I mean England. And ah they were led by the Duke of Wellington who with the rest of his military advisers had been the previous night at the famous ball given by the Duchess of Richmond. And fresh the following morning...
NP: Peter Jones was speaking when the whistle went, gained the extra point. And what a lot of history we're learning today yes. I felt then like the audience did. Did you feel we were just about hanging on? Would he get the word out before he was buzzed? Aimi Macdonald we're back with you which is always a delightful thought. And the subject that Ian Messiter's thought of, making excuses, that is the subject, 60 seconds starting now.
AM: I think it's quite wrong really to make excuses with things that really don't need an excuse...
NP: Kenneth Williams why have you...
KW: Two reallys. I think it's quite wrong really and don't really need to make any excuses.
NP: At the beginning of the programme I talked about chivalry and gallantry Kenneth. And after five seconds I hope we'll have a little bit more. I don't think we should allow that, do you? I'm making an excuse for Aimi Macdonald because it's on the card.
KW: Oh I'll turn up in a blonde wig next week!
AM: Never mind darling! I'll do something for you some time! Okay?
NP: You'll have to make a few excuses for him!
NP: Aimi the subject is still making excuses and there are 54 seconds left starting now.
AM: I think it's very nice to make excuses for other people. But some people, you see, are inclined to make excuses...
NP: Kenneth Williams...
KW: Other people and some people. Two people.
AM: Oh no!
NP: Other people and some people.
AM: They're different people completely!
NP: Well Aimi you had a point last time. This time I must give it to Kenneth because it was a correct challenge and Kenneth you have a point now. There are 46 seconds for making excuses starting now.
KW: This is one of the ways of explaining away bad behaviour. Now very often in our lives someone will say "Here! What you up to?" And you say "oh I'm just adjusting my raincoat". Whereas in actual fact you might have been doing something quite other. Concealing perhaps something from the eyes of the customer...
NP: Clement Freud why have you...
CF: Repetition of something.
NP: Yes you did have something before. You were doing something else and something.
KW: When I get you outside!
NP: Clement Freud I agree with your challenge, you gain a point, 20 seconds for making excuses starting now.
CF: Suppose you were walking down Regent Street on a hot day and something became unstuck of, in your...
NP: You know Kenneth changes. He's very much a chameleon in Just A Minute. One minute he's so generous to his little friend next to him, Clement Freud. So you have 11 seconds for making excuses starting now.
KW: The other of course...
NP: Clement Freud challenged, why?
CF: Repetition of of course. He does tend to say of course!
NP: I don't think he said it on this occasion.
CF: Mmmm, all the time.
NP: He hasn't said it in this particular round of Just A Minute, I don't think. So Kenneth you have nine minutes, making excuses...
CF: Nine minutes?
NP: ..starting now.
CF: Oh well, there's no hurry!
NP: Kenneth do you need, you needn't go for nine minutes, all right. I'll take that back and say you can go for nine seconds, making excuses starting now.
KW: Dear Sir or Madam, I cannot attend your function and I have no wish to hand the prizes to your rather...
NP: On this occasion Kenneth Williams was speaking when the whistle went, he gained the extra point. At the end of that round Kenneth Williams is just behind Peter Jones, Clement Freud and Aimi are equal in third place. And Peter Jones it's your turn to begin. The subject, my giddy aunt. Will you talk to us about her or that subject for 60 seconds starting now.
PJ: She was born in Wolverhampton. And when she was 18 years of age she met a young man about two years her senior. And they had a brief romance which was nipped in the bud by their respective parents. So her future fiancee left Staffordshire and in fact these shores and went abroad, round the world several times, on shared...
NP: Ah Kenneth Williams challenged, why?
KW: Repetition, they left these shores and they went abroad. It's repetition, they're both saying the same thing.
PJ: Left these shores, went abroad! That's all right!
NP: Yes, perfectly all right. It was a very good try but I disagree with the challenge. He's got to keep going on his giddy aunt and was doing that successfully. Thirty seconds, another point to you Peter, ah, my giddy aunt starting now.
PJ: Returning in the early part of the 1920s when he returning to his home...
NP: Ah Kenneth, Clement Freud.
CF: Repetition of returning.
NP: That's right, yes, he was returning and returning again. So Clement Freud you have a point, there are 22 seconds, my giddy aunt starting now.
CF: The first time my aunt tried this was on a hurdy-gurdy on the outskirts of Stafford which is not far from Wolverhampton. Paying a token sum...
NP: Ah Peter Jones has challenged.
PJ: Staffordshire? Is it in Staffordshire or outside? Or is it in Wolverhampton? Where is it?
CF: This is not a quiz game!
PJ: Well he's talking about my aunt and I want to be rather...
NP: There's a very good challenge Peter. Actually you see the subject is my giddy aunt. So once you or Clement Freud has my giddy aunt it does become Clement's aunt.
PJ: You mean his aunt lives in Staffordshire as well?
CF: No, in Stafford!
PJ: Quite a coincidence.
NP: You now realise why yours was so giddy, don't you?
NP: It was incorrect challenge Peter, so Clement Freud has another point, 10 seconds, my giddy aunt starting now.
CF: Her second bout of giddiness was caused by a fall from the Post Office Tower. She had mounted...
NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.
KW: Deviation, I do not believe he has any aunt who fell from the Post Office Tower!
NP: I'm inclined to agree with you Kenneth.
KW: Besides which it certainly would have been recorded, wouldn't it Nick?
NP: Yes! And I'm inclined to agree with you Kenneth so I give you a point and the subject, three seconds, my giddy aunt, starting now.
KW: She went round and round like a clock and I said to her "for goodness sake...
NP: Clement Freud...
KW: "... stop doing that you great fool, otherwise you'll land up in the moat!" We were on the battleship of the Castle, the capament of the Castle, I meant to say! Not ship...
NP: You’ve been challenged.
NP: By your friend next door.
CF: Around and around.
NP: Around and around. Yes Clement so very cleverly you got the subject back, so you get the point that you were sad about. One second left, my giddy aunt, starting now.
CF: Upwards, sideways, alongside...
NP: So by very sharp listening Clement Freud came in just before the whistle again...
KW: Does that mean he's in the lead?
NP: He's definitely in the lead...
KW: Oh I knew! I knew!
NP: You're only one point behind Peter Jones in second place.
KW: Oh thanks!
NP: Well you never know, you might suddenly... it's your turn to begin. Oh and what a perfect subject that we have for you now, doing my nut. And if you haven't already done it would you please do it now.
KW: This refers...
NP: No wait a minute! Wait a... Sixty seconds starting now.
KW: This of course refers to those occasions when I, swept away by my enormous enthusiasm for a certain subject, tear a passion to tatters, so to speak. And what better way to do it than to take hold of the immortal passage (gabbling) do speak the speech I pray you as I pronounce (full-on gabbled gibberish)
KW: (Continues gabbling gibberish)
NP: You've been challenged by Peter Jones.
KW: What for?
NP: Don't know! I'll find out!
PJ: I can't hear what he says!
AM: Neither can I!
KW: (shouts) You want to get a deaf aid, mate! What is this, a programme for geriatrics or something?
AM: I'm sticking up for you Peter!
KW: They can't hear, they can't this, they can't the other!
AM: Because I can't hear what he said!
NP: None of us can hear!
KW: He's away with the gypsies, he is!
PJ: If it's incomprehensible it must be wrong!
NP: No this is the great problem here, you see...
KW: Great problem? There's no problem! You've got an invalid over there!
PJ: It's very bad taste to make fun of a physical infirmity!
KW: You've got a young virile member of your panel here mate!
PJ: There's no need to boast!
KW: The adrenalin's flowing through me!
KW: I'm throbbing with it! Come on, give me my subject back, he's no good, he's no right to...
NP: I think you have well illustrated Kenneth that doing my nut, you well illustrated the subject. But if you go on illustrating it any further which is incomprehensible to us, then there might be a reason for deviation. But as you illustrated it thoroughly well, 22 seconds left starting now.
KW: King Charles's head is also the term given to the same kind of obsessive enthusiasm. And it be, when I cast my mind back to that incredible scene in Whitehall when Bishop Druxon said to him "what, Sire, are your last words?" He replied "I go from...
NP: Well Kenneth Williams started with the subject, doing my nut. He did his nut extremely well, kept going, finished with the subject...
KW: That means I'm in the lead! Go on! Go on! It does! Oh! Oh yes!
NP: Actually Kenneth Williams is in the lead, alongside his friend Clement Freud.
KW: Oh, isn't it lovely!
NP: Aimi Macdonald it's your turn to begin. And the subject is why I enjoy dancing the can-can. And this is the last subject, by the way, because we don't have any more time after this. Will you start now?
AM: The thing I enjoy most about dancing the can-can is really the music, I suppose. It makes you want to dance. You know, dah, dah-dah-dah-dah dah-dah...
NP: Clement Freud?
CF: Repetition of dah.
PJ: No they are different notes!
NP: Yes! They were different dahs weren't they?
AM: Yes! One was a dee actually!
NP: Yes but I'm afraid there were so many dahs I really can't allow you to get away with it Aimi.
AM: It's a new word.
NP: So and as it's neck and neck in the lead I have to say Clement Freud you have another point, 50 seconds, why I enjoy dancing the can-can.
CF: I enjoy dancing the can-can because it is the only...
NP: Aimi Macdonald you challenged.
AM: Hesitation. Only.
NP: Yes he couldn't go on, could he? It is the only. And you have another point Aimi I'm delighted to say and there are 47 seconds, why I enjoy dancing the can-can starting now.
AM: Also the swish of the skirts which create the most gorgeous smell of material...
NP: Kenneth Williams why have you challenged?
KW: Disgusting! We don't want to hear a load of filth about skirts swishing and smelling! What a...
PJ: Quite right! Quite!
KW: Disgusting muck!
NP: It depends on the type of nose you have.
AM: Yes! It's not rude!
NP: It's a different smell. Right Aimi you have another point because we disagree with that challenge, all of us. And there are 40 seconds for why I enjoy dancing the can-can starting now.
AM: Also you're allowed to shout which is something that one really always feels like doing when one's dancing. But the trouble is one's not often allowed to. And in the can-can it is part of the dance. And there's a lovely sensation of whooping and hollering (starts to giggle) and kicking your heels up, all at the same time. And the swishing of the skirt and it's most exhilarating...
NP: Peter Jones has challenged.
PJ: Repetition of swishing.
NP: Yeah but as she also repeated and about 44 times I don't...
PJ: I ignored the ands...
NP: I know.
PJ: ...but I took exception to the swishing.
NP: As they could have come in before that...
PJ: Well that's their fault! They weren't paying attention. They were arguing among themselves about some other topic altogether. Probably...
NP: I think it's...
PJ: ...cricket or something!
NP: ...unfair. They were restrained on the ands, you should have been restarined on the swishing. I give Aimi another point, keep the subject with her, 19 seconds, why I enjoy dancing the can-can Aimi starting now.
AM: It also goes on for a considerable length of time. And I used to enjoy dancing it much more than I do now because at one time I was very young and this is when I really enjoyed it. The older you get obviously the harder it is, you see...
NP: Peter Jones has challenged. Why?
PJ: I feel that's a personal remark directed at me! And I just take exception to it! Rather ungracious I feel! I've abandoned by but... I've abandoned my button altogether!
NP: Well as you've abandoned your button, obviously you don't want the subject and Aimi Macdonald must keep it and get another point!
AM: Is it me again?
NP: You again.
AM: Oh! Oh wait a minute! (laughs)
NP: It's Just A Minute...
KW: We can't wait a minute, you're supposed to be on...
AM: No, it's all right! Now I'm ready to go!
NP: Where? We've almost got to the end of the show, can't you wait?
AM: Okay! Okay!
PJ: Would you like to relax for a little while? Come back again in half an hour or so! We could go out, have a spot of lunch!
NP: At the present moment if we've still got time for the show, there are three seconds for why I enjoy dancing the can-can Aimi starting now.
AM: I don't really know why I enjoy it because really it's the hardest dance...
NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged, why?
KW: If she doesn't know why, why don't she shut up and let me talk!
NP: Well as the, as a, I don't think anybody in the audience wants her to shut up, I'm not going to ask her to shut up! And there are um...
IM: Half a second.
NP: ...half a second for Aimi Macdonald on...
KW: There are half a second! There are half a second! What's happened to you and your grammar!
NP: I was looking at Aimi Macdonald, that's what happened to me. Half a second for you Aimi to do what you like starting now.
AM: You have to be really...
AM: Oh! I won! (laughs)
NP: Well I'm afraid we have no more time. It's a pity because... But it's a very interesting result actually. Because Aimi Macdonald who actually was very very clever in that last round. I mean she never hesitated, she never repeated herself and she certainly didn't deviate. Because or if she did, I didn't notice it! And she has leapt from fourth place into fourth place! Only one point behind Peter Jones who's in third place, who's only one point behind Kenneth Williams who was in second place who was only one point behind our leader Clement Freud who is the winner. And I think that's a very fair result, one point separating them all but Clement Freud the winner! We do hope you've enjoyed this edition of Just A Minute and from all of us here goodbye.
ANNOUNCER: The chairman of Just A Minute was Nicholas Parsons, the programme was devised by Ian Messiter and produced by David Hatch.