WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE!
starring KENNETH WILLIAMS, CLEMENT FREUD, PETER JONES and AIMI MACDONALD, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 5 September 1972)
NOTE: Kenneth Williams's 100th appearance.
ANNOUNCER: We present Kenneth Williams, Clement Freud, Peter Jones and Aimi Macdonald in Just A Minute. And as the Minute Waltz fades away here to tell you about it is our chairman Nicholas Parsons.
NICHOLAS PARSONS: Thank you, thank you very much indeed, hello and welcome once again to Just A Minute. Well once again we're pleased to welcome back in the fourth chair, Aimi Macdonald who has played the game a few times to play the game against these three tough male exponents of the game, Kenneth Williams, Clement Freud and Peter Jones. Once again I'm going to ask them to speak if they can for just one minute on some unlikely subject without hesitation, without repetition and without deviating from the subject on the card if they can. And let us begin with Kenneth Williams.
KENNETH WILLIAMS: How appropriate! How lovely!
NP: Kenneth the subject we've chosen for you is hairy legs.
NP: So will you speak please on hairy legs for just one minute starting now.
KW: Well a curious subject for me. I would have thought it should have been expressed otherwise. Hirsute would have been more appropriate. However I have heard people say "ooooh ain't he got hairy legs!" And I've often thought it was very very attractive. Oh I've said very twice...
NP: Oh and Clement Freud has challenged. Clement?
CLEMENT FREUD: He said very three times.
NP: He actually, he would, if you'd kept going they might have let you get away with it Kenneth. But actually yes you were repetitious so I agree with Clement's challenge so he takes over the subject with a point for a correct challenge. Clement there are 43 seconds left starting now.
CF: A very great friend of mine didn't so much have hairy legs but had...
NP: Ah Peter Jones.
PETER JONES: Hesitation.
NP: You're very keen all of the sudden Peter.
PJ: Well I'm determined to play a very aggressive game! I'm not too satisfied about this chair actually!
NP: Well you're sitting next to Aimi Macdonald, I don't see why you should complain!
NP: Actually I think your aggressive game was a bit too aggressive because I don't think he really did hesitate. So I disagree...
PJ: What did he do?
NP: He didn't do any of the faults for which...
PJ: Didn't he hesitate?
NP: No he didn't hesitate.
NP: Didn't deviate and didn't do anything else.
PJ: I thought he hesitated.
NP: So actually Peter I'm disagreeing with your challenge, it means that Clement Freud gains the point for a wrong challenge, keeps the subject, 39 seconds left starting now.
CF: And while his left leg sprouted black, brown and ginger hair, his right one was entirely smooth, as a baby's cheek...
NP: Ah Kenneth Williams.
KW: Well deviation, it wouldn't sprout all those colours would it? I mean it would either give one kind of hair or none at all!
NP: Clement I agree with Kenneth's challenge, he takes over the subject, a point for a correct challenge, 29 seconds left for hairy legs Kenneth starting now.
KW: When I played a lady in Singapore in an Army show, they said "you've got to shave your legs, you know, because she's supposed to look nice". So I had to put these nylon stockings on so that the front row would think I was a lady. So...
NP: Clement Freud.
CF: Ah repetition.
CF: Of lady.
NP: Of lady.
KW: But they're interested! She's leaning forward there!
CF: She's asleep!
NP: Clement I agree with the challenge, you have 14 seconds on hairy legs starting now.
CF: Nobody in Great Yarmouth has hairier legs than one... toe...
NP: Aimi Macdonald you've challenged. Why?
AIMI MACDONALD: Hesitation.
NP: I think I agree. Yes he couldn't think of this man in Great Yarmouth who had the hairier legs than. Nine seconds left Aimi for you on hairy legs starting now.
AM: Well some people have short, fat, hairy legs. And some people have long thin ones...
NP: Peter why did you challenge?
PJ: Repetition of some people.
NP: Yes I think that's very unchivalrous after what I said at the beginning.
AM: Oh I'm so, oh, yes, I concentrated so much on hairy legs, not repeating that...
PJ: Quite! Yes!
AM: ...that I did the other thing.
NP: That's what's difficult isn't it. But er...
PJ: I was thinking of legs at the same time!
NP: Yes you're bringing out this new aggressive image. All right Peter, so there are four seconds left for hairy legs with you Peter starting now.
PJ: Can be quite attractive, so long as they're not shaved...
NP: That whistle was blown for us by Ian Messiter the creator of this devious game and it tells us that 60 seconds are up. And as you know whoever is speaking at that particular moment gains an extra point. On this occasion it was Peter Jones who now has two, Aimi Macdonald has one, Clement Freud has three, and Kenneth Williams has one. And we move to the second subject which is a long word for Clement Freud to start with, monosodiumglutomate. Clement would you talk to us about that, monosodiumglutomate, for 60 seconds starting now.
CF: In this day and age, it's almost impossible to buy a tin in a popular store which does not contain this substance. Monosodiumglutomate is in fact an artificial taste stimulant which has about it an element of preservative. And whether you buy sandwich spread, hamburgers or...
NP: Peter Jones you've challenged.
PJ: Ah hesitation.
NP: Yes I, I quite agree Peter. So you gain a point for a correct challenge and the subject. There are 35 seconds left and that was a subject I'm sure Clement can talk about. But can you talk about monosodiumglutomate for 35 seconds starting now.
PJ: When you read the phrase "other ingredients to enhance the natural flavour" then they are referring to monosodiumglutomate. And when it is added to national dishes like hotpot and bakewell tart and...
NP: Aimi Macdonald why have you challenged?
AM: Because you, you don't put it in hotpot.
APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE
NP: Of course this is one of the...
PJ: You can put it, it's a matter of taste!
NP: This is what I was about to say. This is the problem the chairman has. You can put it in your hotpot. Maybe Peter Jones puts it into his hotpot. But I don't think we would most of us put it in our hot pot. And I'm sure Aimi Macdonald you don't put it in your hotpot.
AM: Oh no! Never!
PJ: It's not a question of fact! I mean is she challenging on a question of fact?
NP: No, she's challenging on a question of accuracy and I would say generally...
PJ: But accuracy isn't a rule in this game! It isn't accurate that you can't buy tins of things that don't contain it!
NP: I have...
NP: ...to give the benefit of the doubt to somebody Peter. On this occasion it goes to the person who hasn't played the game as often as you, Aimi Macdonald and she has 17 seconds for monosodiumglutomate starting now.
AM: Monosodiumglutomate is spelt M-O-N-O...
AM: ....S-O-D-I-U-M... Has somebody buzzed?
NP: Clement Freud has challenged. Why?
NP: Of what?
AM: I haven't!
KW: You said O twice! Brilliant! Oh you're on form!
AM: Oh that's not fair! (laughs)
NP: Clement you have monosodiumglutomate back with you for 11 seconds starting now.
CF: There is on the market a Japanese delicacy which consists almost entirely of monosodiumglutomate. It's a sort of cocktail savoury which people have with...
NP: Actually I think that a very clever person could have challenged just on the last second there because Clement actually paused for the last two seconds and didn't say anything. Clement you were speaking when the whistle went so you gain the extra point, you have a commanding lead at the end of that round. And now we begin with Aimi Macdonald. Aimi the subject for you that Aimi has thought of is the average man. So as an unaverage woman would you talk about the average man for 60 seconds starting now.
AM: The average man is about five feet eight inches tall, got medium brown hair, light brown eyes, weighs about 12 stone and usually has legs, two arms,s a nose, two eyes, a neck, a face, hair, pot belly (laughs) and er he usually goes to work (laughs). I can’t go on! (laughs) Somebody buzz me! (laughs)
NP: All right Aimi, I'll challenge you!
NP: Oh we've had a challenge! Just in the nick of time we had a challenge! Aimi Macdonald you challenged yourself! Well that was very quick thinking! So Aimi what are you challenging for? Hesitation?
AM: Oh yes!
NP: I quite agree! Definitely!
AM: I hesitated long ago.
NP: So you get a point for hesitating and er you were so quick to challenge yourself so having got another point you continue with the subject and there are 25 seconds on the average man, I didn't know the average man would dry you up to that extent Aimi.
NP: You continue for 25 seconds starting now.
AM: The average man usually finds an average woman. And they both get married and they usually live in an average house. (laughs) Oh God!
AM: I'm getting all mixed up again!
NP: Kenneth Williams.
KW: It's a disgrace! She can't go on! I mean...
NP: I think it's very chivalrous of you to help her out Ken!
KW: I'm not helping her out! It's obvious that this woman will just dry up!
NP: All right, what are you challenging for? Hesitation, repetition or deviation? Or all three?
KW: What is it when you dry up?
NP: What's that? The whole lot?
KW: The whole lot.
NP: The whole lot. All right I will give you one point for the whole lot, I can't give you three points.
KW: All right.
NP: All right Kenneth, you have the average man, there are 15 seconds left starting now.
KW: The average man is an unknown quantity. This is the sort of generalisation that is continually made like the one about pedestrians and motorists, neither exist. A man drives a car, he gets out of a car, what is he...
NP: Clement Freud has challenged.
KW: How dare people jump in! I'm in the middle of a bit of erudition here!
NP: Erudition? Driving cars? Erudition?
KW: Yes that's erudition, that is! Describing the whole process! What's your challenge anyway?
NP: What is it? You've made him dry up now!
CF: Repetition of car.
NP: Yes there was a lot of repetition and there was a repetition of car. Clement very cleverly got in with only one...
KW: Yes! Cleverly got in, that's the word, isn't it. Yes! Yes! Cleverly got in! You noticed that, didn't you! Yes! Yes!
NP: You could have got in at the end of the last round, he paused for two seconds Kenneth!
KW: Yes! I know his trick! Yes!
NP: Well take a leaf out of his book and get in at the end of him, but you can't in this round...
KW: Wait till the last minute!
NP: Yes he only has one second left on the average man Clement starting now.
NP: Right, Clement Freud was speaking when the whistle went once again and he's increased his lead at the end of that round. Peter Jones we begin with you in this round and the subject is snakes and ladders. Can you talk on that for 60 seconds starting now.
PJ: Well both of them are very unpleasant things to get in your stockings. And snakes have got a very bad name for being slimy and generally unpleasant though I've stroked a snake in the zoo where I happen to have a fellow friend, or a friend who is a fellow. Um...
NP: Clement Freud has challenged, why?
CF: Two fellows.
NP: Two fellows, two friends, yes. Clement you have a correct challenge and a point and 41 seconds for snakes and ladders starting now.
CF: A little known aspect of snakes and ladders which is, as most people know, a game is that if you turn it upside down the snakes become the goodies and the ladders become the baddies. And many a happy hour has been spent by people using...
NP: Peter Jones has challenged, why?
PJ: Repetition of people.
NP: Yes and er there was other repetitions that you missed about um...
PJ: Yes but I don't have to forfeit anything for missing something! Of course I've missed all kinds of things!
NP: All right Peter, 24 seconds on snakes and ladders starting now.
PJ: Er yes well I'm sorry...
NP: Kenneth Williams.
KW: I think there was a hesitation there.
NP: Yes I think there was a definite hesitation. You would...
PJ: Yes there was because I was thinking about the things I missed! I don't think you ought to introduce that at all!
NP: All right and so there are 22 seconds on snakes and ladders for you Kenneth starting now.
KW: Well you thrown this dice you see and it entitles you to move in a certain direction. And it says you know forfeit 100 pounds, go back to point one or you can win the whole of Mayfair. Now I once did have a hold of all these properties and it was in fact....
NP: Aimi Macdonald you've challenged, why?
AM: You were talking about another game!
KW: Oh! Oh! Silly me! Oh what a fool I am!
AM: You don't win Mayfair in snakes and ladders, do you?
KW: Oh sorry, sorry!
NP: You win that in Monopoly, don't you.
KW: Yes I got it mixed up with Red Nines! I'm always doing that you know!
NP: Anyway nine seconds on snakes and ladders with you now Aimi starting now.
AM: Ladders are very necessary things actually. Every home should have one because if you have a place that you want to get at and it's very high up, then the only way to go is actually...
NP: Aimi Macdonald was then speaking when the whistle went, she gained that extra point. And she is now very definitely in a good second place behind Clement Freud who is still our leader. And Kenneth and Peter about equal in third place. And Kenneth we're back with you, your turn to begin, a nice subject that Ian has thought of for you, Herculenean. Can you talk to us about it for 60 seconds starting now.
KW: It I believe was situated in the gulf of Naples and alongside the other town of Pompeii suffered a terrible disaster when Vesuvius there interrupted and destroyed them both. I believe archaeological remains show the people who lie in their beds as they were uncovered in the act, so to speak, of...
NP: Peter has challenged.
PJ: Er hesitation.
KW: No! Not at all!
NP: I quite agree Kenneth, keep going, you have another point and 43 seconds starting now.
KW: Gibbon remarks upon the fact that of the wisest emperor, he quotes of course, Antoninus Pius, but the wisest he says was undoubtedly Hadrian. And I would say that perhaps the title or the appellation generally should be applied to Titus...
NP: Peter Jones has challenged. Why?
PJ: Terribly boring! Terribly boring!
LOUD LAUGHTER FROM AM AND THE AUDIENCE
NP: So what is your challenge within the rules of the game?
KW: It's obvious what crowd he's got in here tonight, isn't it!
PJ: Just being boring! I mean he did hesitate earlier on and I stopped him on that account and you said he didn't hesitate or you wouldn't allow it. So I thought well, boring, that's a good one! I mean he is boring!
NP: Peter I, I disagree with you. It's a difficult decision about hesitation but I disagree, I don't think he did hesitate.
PJ: Well all right...
NP: But actually boring is not a rule of the game and unless you can think of another challenge within the rules of the game, I have to give Kenneth another point for an incorrect challenge and ask him to continue. And you have two seconds to answer me now. (silence) Kenneth you have a point and you have 28 seconds for Herculenean starting now.
KW: If the grottoes of Herculenean have been uncovered by the archaeologists...
NP: Clement Freud has challenged.
NP: Of what?
NP: Yes there's been a lot of uncovering going on in this particular course Kenneth. And...
KW: I suppose he's got in on the last minute again, has he?
NP: No, there's 23 seconds for Herculenean starting now.
CF: I've always thought that 23 seconds was about the right length of time to discuss Herculenean...
NP: Peter Jones why have you challenged.
KW: Certainly! Deviation! Absolutely! Yes!
NP: Shut up Kenneth! What were you going to say Peter?
PJ: Well he's not talking about the subject!
PJ: He's talking about what he's always felt...
KW: That's right!
PJ: ...and I don't want to know!
NP: Well actually I think he said that he thought 23 seconds was enough time, he'd always thought it was about enough time to talk about Herculenean. So he's not deviated from the subject on the card, Herculenean and much as I'd like to bring you in because you're trying very hard Peter, I've got to be accurate otherwise I'll get lots of letters. And say Clement Freud has got another point and there are 19 seconds on Herculenean starting now.
CF: Whereas 19 seconds is far too little...
NP: Kenneth Williams why have you challenged?
KW: Deviation, this preoccupation with time has nothing to do with Herculenean! And you know it as well as I know it! Now stop shilly-shallying Nick! Now come on!
APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE
NP: I had forgotten that we have a lovely audience in the BBC Playhouse here...
KW: They were hired by him!
NP: Yes! And when I have an impossible decision I have to put it to the superior wisdom and discretion of our audience. So ladies and gentlemen now is your opportunity to give voice. If you agree with Clement's, Kenneth's challenge would you please cheer. And if you...
CHEER FROM THE AUDIENCE
NP: Shut up! And if you disagree would you please boo, in other words if you feel I should not give it to Kenneth but Clement Freud. The boos for Clement, the cheers for Kenneth, start together now.
CHEERS AND BOOS FROM THE AUDIENCE
KW: I'll get all those that booed outside and bash them!
NP: There was only about one I think.
KW: Yes that's enough.
NP: All right, that's enough for you to get a point and the subject, 15 seconds, Herculenean starting now.
KW: One of the most beautiful of these grottoes uncovered depicted...
NP: Aimi Macdonald...
KW: Here! Wait a minute!
AM: Uncovered again darling.
NP: You see, uncovering is going on all the time!
CF: And grottoes.
NP: And grotto. You keep uncovering your grotto Kenneth! And this is a family show as I've so often heard you say! Aimi you have 10 seconds on Herculenean starting now.
AM: Well once upon a time, there was a great big man who came from a town called Herculenean. This man had huge muscles and he used to walk around carrying the world on his shoulders. His name...
NP: Obviously Aimi you must always get in 10 seconds before the end because you can just go for 10 seconds without giggling, can’t you!
AM: Yes I just cottoned on to that! Yes!
NP: All right! Well your cottoning on is keeping you in a good second place behind Clement Freud who is still in the lead. And Kenneth and Peter have got points as well, they're well in third place. And Aimi Macdonald your turn to begin, the subject, how I look in hot pants. Would you talk on that subject for 60 seconds starting now.
AM: Well I don't wear hot pants very much. But if I do, I, I suppose I look all right. (giggles)
NP: Kenneth Williams challenged.
KW: Well all this giggling and larking about is nothing to do with speaking er consecutively is it?
NP: Yes I think she prefers you to play the game the way you usually play it, with thrust and cut and aggression which you've just done. So you've got her out of a predicament, you've got a point, you have 50 seconds on how I look in hot pants starting now.
KW: The answer is of course enormously attractive. And this occurred on one occasion on the set at Pinewood when I had to do exactly that. And the cries of delight that went up from even electricians, plasterers, carpenters, technicians, sound men, directors of course, assistant directors...
NP: Clement Freud has challenged.
CF: Repetition of directors.
NP: Yes I'm afraid you had the director and the assistant director.
KW: Well they're two different things dear!
NP: I know but they've got the same word. Which is repetition in Just A Minute. You went through all that list so marvellously but anyway Clement you have a point and 26 seconds for how I look in hot pants starting now.
CF: The way I look in hot pants is to ease the waistband towards me and crane my head forward. This becomes difficult because my forehead quite often meets a protrusion which many women have around the place where men do not. But when you succeed the joys are quite...
NP: Perhaps it was as well we didn't get beyond the point of describing what the joys were. Clement you have a point for speaking when the whistle went, you've increased your lead at the end of that round. And Peter Jones we now move to you for the beginning of the next round. The subject chosen is a cross-section of the public. Would you talk to us about that for 60 seconds starting now.
PJ: I think the cross section of the public must be almost in the majority now judging by the number of slogans and...
NP: Kenneth Williams challenged.
KW: He's talking so slowly, you know, I mean he can just fill in for hours going... like... that... all... the....
NP: Yeah I've heard you do that before now.
KW: Oh I've never done that! I've always been....
CRIES OF "OHHHHH" FROM THE AUDIENCE
KW: Shut your row!
NP: Ladies and gentlemen of the audience, you were on his side before, do you think that Kenneth Williams sometimes goes rather slowly in this game?
CRIES OF "YES" FROM THE AUDIENCE
NP: Peter Jones you have a point and you have er 47 seconds for the cross-section of the public starting now.
PJ: They deface the signs on the underground railways and they make a mess in telephone boxes. And they also...
NP: Kenneth Williams you challenged.
KW: Three theys. They three times.
NP: Oh we don't allow such silly words.
KW: He said they may, they may, they may! Three times!
NP: I don't think he said they may. He just said they three times. There are 39 seconds Peter on a cross-section of the public starting now.
PJ: And of course um they're...
NP: Aimi you challenged.
AM: Ah hesitation.
NP: Yes that's what happens when someone gets thrown by an aggressive challenge and they lose it the next time. Aimi you have a point for a correct challenge and there are 36 seconds on a cross-section of the public starting now.
AM: A cross-section of the public is usually very angry. They bump into people on the road and talk rather...
NP: Kenneth Williams why have you challenged?
KW: Because this is deviation, it's nothing to do with a cross-section of the public. A cross-section of the public simply means a sample taken at random of all the people. Nothing to do...
AM: It could be a cross....
KW: ...with people getting angry and crossing the road and shouting the odds.
AM: Of course it could!
KW: I haven't heard anything like it in my life! She's off the top of her head!
NP: If you...
KW: She's talking out the top of her head! She's talking out the top of her head, ain't she?
NP: What do you...
KW: Look at her there! She agrees! Yes!
AM: Another word for angry, you're cross!
NP: What do you do on this programme except talk off the top of your head? No, if you take the interpretation of cross in the angry sense then a cross section of the public moving about the streets would bump into people because they're very aggressive. So I'm afraid I disagree with the challenge Kenneth and Aimi has another point and 27 seconds on a cross-section of the public starting now.
AM: One cross-section of the public drive motor cars. And when they bump into each other they get out and...
NP: Clement Freud has challenged, why?
CF: We have had that!
AM: No, no, they're bumping...
CF: The bump into each other.
NP: So you're having repetition?
NP: Yes well all right, Clement you have the subject and you have 21 seconds starting now.
CF: It's very difficult when you're asked to talk to a cross-section of the public when ideally you want to know the identity of the people you are addressing. And recently at a speech I asked my host, could they give me a breakdown of the cross-section of the public. May I, I said to the chairman, have them broken down by age and...
NP: Yes all right, so ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry, we have no more time to play Just A Minute. The final score was that Kenneth finished in fourth place one point behind Peter Jones. Peter Jones was one point behind Aimi Macdonald and Aimi was six points behind this week's winner Clement Freud! We do hope you've enjoyed this edition of Just A Minute and will want to tune in again next time. Until then from all of us here good-bye.
ANNOUNCER: The chairman of Just A Minute was Nicholas Parsons, the programme was devised by Ian Messiter and produced by Simon Brett.