JAM:KWilliams,CFreud,PJones,AMarks
WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE!

starring KENNETH WILLIAMS, CLEMENT FREUD, PETER JONES and ALFRED MARKS, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 23 September 1975)


THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: We present Kenneth Williams, Clement Freud, Peter Jones and Alfred Marks in Just A Minute. And as the Minute Waltz fades away, here to tell you about it is our chairman Nicholas Parsons.

NICHOLAS PARSONS: Thank you very much indeed and welcome once again to Just A Minute. And as you've just heard we welcome back four of our regular and keen competitors, Kenneth Williams, Peter Jones and Clement Freud. And in our fourth or guest chair, we're happy to have with us this week Alfred Marks. And to begin the show this week the subject that Ian Messiter's thought of is starters. So Kenneth will you talk on the subject of starters for 60 seconds. But just before that I must remind them the rules are still the same. They gave to try and speak if they can without hesitation, without repetition and without deviating from the subject on the card until they are challenged. Kenneth the time starts now, starters with you.

KENNETH WILLIAMS: Well there is of course the starting pistol. And starters could be a prawn cocktail or a great delicacy which I absolutely adore, heart of the palm served perhaps with a little crab on the side. Now waiters have been known to genuflect...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

KW: Who on earth has dared to challenge that?

CLEMENT FREUD: Deviation.

KW: Why?

NP: Why, Clement?

CF: The crab couldn't stay on the side for very long.

NP: I think he meant crabmeat so I disagree with the challenge and therefore Kenneth has a point for an incorrect challenge and there are 39 seconds left on starters beginning now.

KW: And then there is the gentleman of course who as an orator opens...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged you again.

CF: Repetition of of course.

NP: Clement Freud gets a point for that and he takes over the subject and there are 34 seconds on starters starting now.

CF: I think starters is one of the ugliest words to describe first courses at meals. I call them hors d'oeuvre or perhaps soup, egg, pasta. Now there's a pretty word for you. It's Italian, it means spaghetti, tagliatelli, lasagne, any combination of flour and eggwhite, the odd yolk, water boiled and filled with minced beef, tomato, beef...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PETER JONES: Much too slow, I thought!

CF: It is a very slow process. It's a tremendous mistake to try to...

NP: He was going slowly...

CF: ... get it all in too quickly.

NP: I disagree with that challenge so Clement gets a point for an incorrect one and there's one and a half seconds left, starters beginning now.

CF: Eggnog...

WHISTLE

NP: That whistle tells us that 60 seconds are up and whoever is speaking at that moment gains an extra point. And Clement it's actually your turn to begin. We want you to start the second round and the subject is full house. So can you talk on that for 60 seconds starting now.

CF: If you have potted shrimps and eggnog and prawn cocktail, the house does become tremendously full...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams.

KW: Deviation! I think that's a disgrace! Full house, we all know what that means and I don't see what potted shrimps have got to do with a full house!

NP: Well he was just about to explain to you, you see.

CF: No I wasn't.

NP: Oh he wasn't?

KW: Yes! Can't get out of it like that!

NP: Kenneth you have a correct challenge and you have 54 seconds to take up the subject, having gained a point, of full house starting now.

KW: Often referred to by the professionals as harry packers and they were hanging from the chandeliers. What more moving and spirited occasion is it than when we get into a theatre and see the lovely plush and the curtain going up on a scene of infinite variety and illusion. And we all cheer as the heroine, almost at the 11th hour, is rescued by the King and the white glove flies...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has...

KW: What! How dare they! I was just under way!

NP: Under way! You've gone over the top! Peter can we have your challenge?

PJ: Yes well he got off the track altogether. He was describing a play which actually would have emptied any theatre it was performed at, and so it had really nothing to do with a full house.

NP: Yes he was now describing the play and not the full house. I agree with your challenge Peter, you have a point for that and you have 26 seconds to continue, full house starting now.

PJ: Yes well it's a marvellous experience for a performer to enjoy. And I did that in Australia. They came round to the dressing rooms and took the chairs to put them in the aisles in the theatre because there weren’t enough places for people to sit...

BUZZ

NP: Alfred Marks has...

ALFRED MARKS: I thought I detected a hesitation.

NP: You have a correct challenge, you have a point and you have 14 seconds to talk to us on full house starting now.

AM: Clickety click, 66, legs 11, all the ones, blind 80, eight-oh! These are the cries one might hear in a bingo hall if one is going for a full house. A full house in this sense...

WHISTLE

NP: The ecstatic reactions of joy from the audience as Alfred Marks got a point for speaking when the whistle went. And at the end of that round, Peter Jones, Alfred Marks and Kenneth Williams are equal in second place, behind Kenneth, Clement Freud, who is still in the lead. Peter Jones will you begin the third round, the subject is interesting briefs. I don't know whether you have any experience of them or can talk about them, but would you try for 60 seconds starting now.

PJ: Well I have a barrister friend whose briefs are held together with bits of string and ceiling wax, paper clips, sticky tape and so on. Not really very elegant or impressive. But of course they are, I was anticipating that Clement would interrupt because I said of course...

BUZZ

NP: Well actually it was Clement, Kenneth Williams who challenged you.

PJ: It was?

NP: Yes, what was it Kenneth?

KW: Yes well he said that these things, the ceiling tape, the ceiling wax and the red tape wasn't very elegant or impressive. Whereas in fact these great seals used in a law office are very impressive indeed. So I would say you are deviating.

PJ: But my friend's aren't.

KW: Eh?

PJ: My friend's particular...

NP: He established that his friend...

KW: If you're going to drag it along this esoteric stuff about private relationships, how can we possibly challenge that?

NP: No I don't agree with you.

KW: Well make up your mind!

NP: I have, I've decided that you've got a wrong challenge and Peter keeps the subject and he has 45 seconds on interesting briefs starting now.

PJ: Of course the ones people wear nowadays...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: The third of course.

NP: Clement you have the subject, you have 43 seconds, interesting briefs starting now.

CF: Old Spanish lace cameo knickers could be the most interesting briefs that...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams.

KW: Deviation, there's no such things as cameo knickers. Cammie yes, but cameo? I mean can you imagine knickers hung with cameos? It'd be very uncomfortable, apart from bruising the behind, it'd be extremely hazardous.

NP: All right I agree with your challenge, 37 seconds, interesting briefs starting now.

KW: One of the most interesting I saw was heralded by a Mister Dran at the Old Bailey when he maintained that embezzlement did not necessarily entail the trousering of money, client's money in this sense being not...

BUZZ

NP: Alfred Marks.

AM: Repetition of money. I thought.

NP: Yes.

KW: Yes but I was going on!

AM: Yes!

NP: Alfred you have a point after a correct challenge and you have 27 seconds for interesting briefs starting now.

AM: There is a very good store on the West End which has branches almost all over the country which sells most interesting briefs. There are various motifs. You can get criss-crosses, patterns, pictures of people, pictures of animals, the ones...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud.

AM: Pictures of course. I said pictures, didn't I.

NP: Yes but I want to hear Clement's challenge.

AM: All right then.

CF: Repetition of saying I said pictures, didn't I.

AM: Yes I see.

NP: Fifteen seconds, interesting briefs with you Clement, starting now.

CF: An ordinary cammieknicker has never interested me...

BUZZ

NP: Alfred Marks.

AM: I don't think you can have cammieknicker in the singular unless you've got one leg.

NP: Alfred you have 12 seconds for interesting briefs starting now.

AM: The most interesting brief I ever heard of was the one in which the solicitor told his client don't book me because if you do you will certainly go to jail, to which the client replied ha ha ha ha...

BUZZ

WHISTLE

NP: Clement Freud’s challenge came just as the whistle went. He was obviously challenging for the repetition of ha ha ha ha. I'm giving the benefit of the doubt to Alfred Marks who gets another point for speaking when the whistle went. Alfred it's your turn to begin and the subject that Ian's thought of for you is ladies and gentlemen. Would you talk on them or about them for 60 seconds if you can starting now.

AM: The maker in his infinite wisdom has divided the world into ladies, gentlemen and several don't-knows. We in this country do not unfortunately have the thing the Americans have. We do not have a form of address to our ladies and gentlemen. This puzzles me and saddens me somewhat. Because in America, if you're the lowest peasant or the most marvellous millionaire, the most widely thing, and I've done the whole thing and I shall wait till next time round. Nobody's stopped me, I shall go on! So therefore you see, they call a man Mister Sir and a lady Mam or Madam. We do not in this civilise country of ours have this form of address. If a lady drops a wallet, we say "oi, missus" or if a man drops something we say "here, governor!" We do not have the ability, and it's just a great pity...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: I don't know, he doesn't seem to be talking about ladies and gentlemen. This here governor and all that sort of thing.

NP: I think that's another, he established to my mind quite clearly that this was another way that people in this country have of referring to ladies and gentlemen. I thought it was very explicit. You have a point and you have 12 seconds Alfred on ladies and gentlemen starting now.

AM: I'm reminded of a story I read in the press about this chap...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones.

PJ: Who has reminded him? I haven't reminded him!

NP: That's a very clever challenge! I can't, I can't judge on that so I give Peter a bonus point for a very clever challenge...

KW: Well done! Well done! Well done!

NP: ... and leave the...

KW: Brilliant boy! He should go far!

NP: ... and leave the subject with Alfred with nine seconds on ladies and gentlemen starting now.

AM: This man in Eastbourne, a true story I must add, who went and had his lunch...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud.

CF: Repetition of story.

NP: Yes I'm afraid you were reminded of the story before.

AM: Absolutely right, yes.

NP: And this was another thing. So Clement's got in with only four seconds to go on ladies and gentlemen starting now.

CF: They don't make ladies and gentlemen like the Tracy sisters any more...

WHISTLE

NP: Kenneth would you start the next round, the subject is, oh yes this is a nice one for you, I think you've used the word before. Gomphosis, would you talk about gomphosis for Just A Minute if you can starting now.

KW: This is the description of articulation between clenched teeth. (speaks with clenched teeth) But you have to make what you're saying perfectly clear to your collocutor or continue as if you are discussing the whole thing right. And of course it can remind you in many ways of a colloquialism where they say (starts singing gibberish through clenched teeth, then returns to normal voice) and do this sort of daft thing as though the mouth is not moving at all. Because gomphosis means that you have no longer any control over the facial muscles because the actual jaws are clamped, molar to molar...

BUZZ

NP: Alfred Marks has challenged.

AM: Well molar.

NP: Yes molar is right.

KW: Well it's such a lovely word I felt I had to savour it!

AM: Yes.

NP: Yes so after that demonstration of lockjaw by Kenneth Williams or gomphosis to the more erudite, we have Alfred Marks speaking again for 20 seconds on gomphosis starting now.

AM: Have you ever felt that you're going to regret the fact that you pressed the buzzer? Because I know absolutely nothing about gomphosis. Nor am I, nor an I, er ah oh...

BUZZ

AM: You see I proved my point, didn't I.

NP: Clement?

CF: Hesitation.

NP: I think so yes.

AM: Not really, no!

NP: Ten seconds, gomphosis Clement, with you starting now.

CF: In the eighth century in Persia, Gomphosis ruled with I think as much compassion...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams.

KW: Deviation, deviation there was no Gomphosis in Persia and there's no such thing as cow-passion...

NP: Well I'll put that to the audience if you like.

CF: (laughs) They know!

NP: If those in the audience who think Gomphosis ruled in the eight century in Persia, in which case you’d agree with Clement Freud, would you cheer. And if you think that Gomphosis didn’t reign in Persia in the eighth century would you all, would you boo. And will you all do it together now.

CHEERS AND BOOS FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: Absolutely convinced that Gomphosis didn't reign in Persia in the eight century. So Kenneth you have four seconds on gomphosis starting now.

KW: And I almost wish I hadn't, you know, because I feel I've exhausted the subject of gomphosis...

WHISTLE

NP: Clement Freud your turn to begin, the subject is, oh yes a nice one for you, taking in washing. Would you talk about taking in washing for Just A Minute starting now.

CF: I think if you are out to take in washing, you would be well to start with a shirt. There are few garments more gullible. You go up and try and sell Waterloo Bridge, for instance, to the sort of garment with which you wear a bow tie. And who knows but it will be taken in and give you good hard currency for it. But I suppose taking in washing could also mean opening a laundrette and accepting what people have worn which has become soiled, dirty, torn, or in other ways defaced from its pristine beauty with which it emerged from a shop. For instance an Irishman I know who lost his employment because he worked on an oil rig and was fired for throwing bread to the helicopters...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones buzzed on the payoff which was very good. Peter?

PJ: Well it was, apart from being a racialist joke, it was deviation and nothing to do with taking in washing.

NP: Peter Jones you have a point after a correct challenge and nine seconds left for taking in washing starting now.

PJ: I remember a Miss Barrow who used to take in washing when I was a boy. And I collected it from her and the smell in the kitchen of the linen hanging from every...

WHISTLE

NP: So Peter Jones speaking then when the whistle went got the extra point. He's moved now into third place alongside Kenneth Williams. But they're one point behind Alfred Marks and two, no, three behind Clement Freud. Peter Jones your turn to begin, the subject now, exchange. Would you talk about that if you can for Just A Minute starting now.

PJ: Exchange is no robbery, is, I think, one of the most stupid of all proverbs. Probably invented by a burglar when he took something valuable and left a bit of old rubbish. And the stock exchange, what an incredible organisation that is. When people...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams.

KW: There's nothing incredible about it at all. It's very ordinary. It's simply a lot of people who sell stocks and shares. Nothing incredible about it.

NP: Well that's...

KW: These devious remarks you're making.

NP: It's not devious Kenneth, no.

KW: Misleading the whole of the public,

NP: He hasn't deviated from the subject on the card which is exchange so he keeps it and he has another point for a wrong challenge by the way, he has um 38 seconds left starting now.

PJ: Well it does seem so to me. Because in this atmosphere which is like that of a boys' preparatory school, enormous sums of money are given from one person to the other and back again. And the costs and the prices of these commodities or the shares...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth?

KW: Why's he laughing while he's saying all this?

PJ: Because nobody else was!

NP: So what is your challenge Kenneth?

KW: Well I thought the laugh meant he didn't believe a word he was saying.

NP: Well you could still go on talking and not believe a word you're saying in Just A Minute, provided you don't deviate from the subject, hesitate or repeat yourself. Peter wasn't doing any of those things so he has another point and 20 seconds on exchange starting now.

PJ: And foreign exchange, that's an interesting topic. Because at the moment the pound is...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: He said Bognor Regis twice.

KW: Brilliant! I never noticed it! That is brilliant!

NP: Clement if you are going to nod off, don't make it so obvious, please! He didn't, Bognor Regis didn't come into it unless it was quoted on the stock exchange. And so that's another incorrect challenge, Peter is doing very well, isn't he. There are 12 seconds Peter, on exchange with you starting now.

PJ: Well the financial world depends very much on the exchange rate of the pound...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud.

CF: Repetition of pound.

NP: Yes you did say pound before. Five seconds on exchange Clement starting now.

CF: Our incredible chairman, if you remember, probably committed the greatest exchange when he made Mantevani...

WHISTLE

NP: Clement Freud was speaking then again when the whistle went, he gained the extra point and increased his lead at the end of the round. Alfred Marks we're back to you, the subject is a delightful one for you to talk about, the invention of spaghetti. And would you talk about the invention of spaghetti starting now.

AM: It is a little known fact that spaghetti was invented by Salvadechi Partovani Alfredo Ghetti, and it was S-P-A Ghetti who invented spaghetti as we know it today. Now it is usually made from flour, semolina. You can also get tagliatelli, belamori, nicratelli, all these are brand names for spaghetti. I had the good fortune to be stationed in Italy where of course spaghetti is the staple food of the country. (sings in Italian)

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams.

KW: Deviation you're supposed to speak for 60 seconds, not sing! It's a disgrace!

NP: A very good challenge.

KW: Yeah!

AM: Mister Chairman...

NP: Yes?

AM: There are those that may not consider that singing!

NP: If they'd heard me they would know that it was singing. So Kenneth has a point...

AM: He's only jealous because he can't sing like that.

NP: Eleven seconds on the invention of spaghetti, Kenneth starting now.

KW: The spaghetti that I know is made at one of our most famous seaside resorts from wholemeal sago and is exported very successfully...

WHISTLE

NP: Well we have a very close situation in the contests still, because Peter Jones, Alfred Marks and Kenneth Williams are still, not still. They have now again become equal again in second place...

KW: I'd like to go back over all that because I think I'd like to change my diction. You know what I mean?

NP: You do it all the time so why bother with it now?

KW: Oh all right.

NP: And they're three points behind our leader who is still Clement Freud. And Kenneth your turn to have another chance to change your diction, because the subject is an historical one for you which Ian Messiter has come up with, Marcus Aurelius Antoninus. And would you talk about him for 60 seconds if you can starting now.

KW: Well he was one of the most wise of the Roman Emperors, taking the mantle as he did from Antoninus Pius. And inventing the traffic regulations by which we govern the movement of vehicular something-or-others every day in modern times. His famous book, Meditations, is a classic on philosophical polity and he gave four chairs of learning to the University of Athens, each devoted to the sects of philosophy, one epicurean, one...

BUZZ

NP: Alfred challenged then.

KW: Oh I was just getting under way, do you know what I mean, the impetus came to me. What was his challenge, by the way?

NP: One.

AM: Repetition of one of course.

NP: And he has 23 seconds to take up the subject now of Marcus Aurelius Antoninus starting now.

AM: The Marcus Aurelius Antoninus I know is not in fact a Roman Emperor at all. He is a barber in Soho, a very very nice chap indeed...

BUZZ

AM: And very!

NP: Clement Freud.

CF: Yes repetition of very.

AM: I'm going home! I can't stand it! The most rude people in my entire life! You start speaking and people buzz you all over the place! Really you know, if this is the type of game you're playing at the BBC, I really don't want to know!

NP: You haven't done too badly, you're still in second place, only two points behind Clement Freud...

AM: Then I'll stay!

NP: Well you probably won't have much chance to alter the situation because I've got a message that we have to finish at the end of this subject. So Clement Freud now takes it over and there are 18 seconds left starting now.

CF: One of the most interesting things about the Emperor Marcus Aurelius is that he never had to finish at the end of a subject. He went on, he continued, and not with traffic lights that went red, yellow and green because vehicular traffic in ancient...

BUZZ

NP: Alfred Marks.

AM: Well actually it's a deviation because I don't think our our erudite Mister Williams, Professor Williams mentioned traffic lights.

KW: Precisely! Thank you very much Alfred! Thank you Alfred! I'm very grateful! Thank you! Yes you see how they mangle your words!

NP: But Clement...

AM: And also repetition of thank you. Oh sorry!

NP: But Clement wasn't referring to the fact that Marcus Aurelius was talking about traffic lights, he said he didn't have to bother with that subject.

AM: Is that what he said?

NP: Yeah. So therefore he wasn't actually deviating from the subject on the card.

AM: I've never been nearer a point in my entire life! I think I will go home!

NP: There are five seconds left with you Clement starting now.

CF: And...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones.

PJ: Very slow off the mark there.

KW: Yes! Hesitation definitely.

AM: Well the red light was on you see.

KW: Quite so!

NP: It was a two seconds pause so I agree it was a hesitation. There are three seconds now Peter for you on the subject starting now.

PJ: And it's one of the most interesting subjects we’ve had in the whole...

WHISTLE

NP: Peter Jones was then speaking when the whistle went, he got the extra point and we have a very close situation in the final count because we have no more time as I warned you a little whole ago. Kenneth Williams only just came in fourth place, one point behind Alfred Marks. Alfred one point behind Peter Jones. Peter leaped over Alfred then and he came in second place but three points behind Clement Freud who took the lead early on, kept it till the end so welcome this week's winner, once again, Clement Freud. We hope you have enjoyed this edition of Just A Minute. From all of us here, good-bye!

THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: The chairman of Just A Minute was Nicholas Parsons, the programme was devised by Ian Messiter and produced by John Lloyd.