JAM:KWilliams,CFreud,PJones,AMarks
WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE!

starring KENNETH WILLIAMS, CLEMENT FREUD, PETER JONES and ALFRED MARKS, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 2 December 1974)


THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: We present Kenneth Williams, Clement Freud, Peter Jones and Alfred Marks in Just A Minute. And as the Minute Waltz fades away here to tell you about it is our chairman Nicholas Parsons.

NICHOLAS PARSONS: Thank you, thank you very much indeed, hello and welcome to Just A Minute. And we're delighted to welcome back Alfred Marks to play the game with our three regular competitors. As as usual I am going to ask them to speak if they can for Just A Minute on some unlikely subject without hesitation, without repetition, and without deviating from the subject which is on the card in front of me. And this week we will begin the show with Kenneth Williams. Kenneth can you talk the subject of hedonism for 60 seconds if you can starting now.

KENNETH WILLIAMS: Hedonism I think roughly means somebody who is devoted to a life of pleasure. But of course it would be possible to live this sort of existence if you really tried. Because inevitably there are tasks which do involve difficulties. Head-on-ism as opposed to head-off-ism which wouldn't be living at all, would it, because you wouldn't be able to breathe not having a hooter. On the other hand of course there are stoics that don't believe in hedonism and oppose it most vigourously, scourge themselves and frequently go out in all weathers, shouting the odds and saying be hard, be... oh I said be twice yes...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged you.

CLEMENT FREUD: Repetition of of course.

NP: I agree with your challenge, you get a point for a correct challenge and there are 21 seconds for you to continue with the subject of hedonism starting now.

CF: When Kenneth Williams was a pickpocket in a maternity home, one of his most favourite subjects was an elderly spinster called Mavis Golightly, which he never did strangely enough. Many men, women and children, and two Eskimos came to the private nursing home in which he practised his craft...

BUZZ

NP: Ah Peter Jones has challenged just before the whistle.

PETER JONES: Deviation, it's nothing to do with hedonism.

NP: I can't see any connection either Peter, I would agree so you have a point for that, one second on hedonism starting now.

PJ: It's people who are bent on...

WHISTLE

NP: Well as you know the whistle which Ian Messiter blows tells us that 60 seconds are up. And whoever is speaking at that moment gets an extra point. Peter Jones got in just before the whistle and he has got two and you are in the lead at the end of the round Peter. Clement Freud would you take the next round, the subject is divisions. Could you talk on that for 60 seconds starting now.

CF: There are all sorts of divisions which you find in the Football League, the House of Commons and the Army, to name but a few. Beginning with the sporting classification, you have the First, Second, Third, South, which at one time had a North, and the Fourth Division, also the Southern Division, Scottish.

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Ah hesitation.

NP: Yes indeed, he ran out of divisions, didn't he.

CF: No I didn't, I, well yes. There are few divisions and I couldn't think of another one...

NP: I realise that yes.

CF: I'm glad.

NP: You didn't run out, you couldn't recall them. Ah it was utterly boring as well I thought.

CF: Yes!

NP: Thirty-six seconds are left with you Peter to talk on divisions starting now.

PJ: Well divisions are what divide the rich from the poor and the male...

BUZZ

NP: Alfred Marks has challenged.

ALFRED MARKS: Yes it's not a challenge really under the heading of hesitation, deviation or repetition...

PJ: Well there's no other challenges permitted or allowed.

AM: No I just wanted to draw the chairman's attention that I'm sitting next to Peter Jones, and probably unbeknown to him, he's standing on my foot! Thank you very much, carry on!

PJ: That would be a foul, wouldn't it!

NP: When you've played the game more often, you'll realise that's only mild in comparison with some of the tactics they employ.

AM: I see.

NP: Yes.

AM: There's nothing else left to sit on actually.

PJ: Well as long as I'm not sitting on your buzzer, it will be all right.

NP: Twenty-nine seconds left for divisions Peter starting now.

PJ: Well I'm rather thrown by this er ridiculous assertion that you made about me standing, I'm sitting down as a matter of fact, not even standing...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: Deviation, your posture is nothing to do with the subject, I'm afraid.

NP: Unfortunately as you were thrown by it, you had to go off about it and you were not on divisions. So Kenneth has a correct challenge...

AM: Might I apologise? You can have the next point I make!

PJ: Well thanks very much.

AM: I hope I don't make any so...

NP: Kenneth there are 22 seconds for you on divisions starting now.

KW: Divisions are caused largely by the philosophical attitudes people make, because of upbringing, because of the way...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

KW: What's the matter with him?

CF: He's not standing on my foot! He said because twice.

NP: You said because twice.

KW: (singing) Well I said because, because to me, we are not in lo-o-o-o-o-ove! (speaks) I felt like going into a ballad you see.

NP: Well you absolutely repeated yourself on the way to your ballad. There are 14 seconds for you Clement on divisions starting now.

CF: The Lion of Hyderabad was actually a man called Arthur Jones who joined the Pioneer Corps at the age of 19 and served ...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams challenged.

CF: ... in the third division of...

KW: Deviation there was no Lion of Hyderabad, therefore it's deviation, it's misleading the public to think, a whole host of things that are completely untrue! They're going to go out of here tonight, saying do you know the Lion of Hyderabad, and they've never met him!

NP: I'm sure if there was a Lion of Hyderabad, it wasn't this chap who was in the Pioneer Corps as well.

KW: Precisely! The whole thing is devious!

NP: Nothing to do with them, no no. Kenneth has another point and there are five and a half seconds on divisions starting now.

KW: The best divisions to do are long divisions because you put the figures in and then you draw a bracket round and put...

WHISTLE

KW: I got that! That means I'm in the lead!

NP: Kenneth Williams was then speaking as the whistle went so he gained that extra point and he's now at the end of that round in the lead with Peter Jones, one ahead of Clement Freud and three ahead of Alfred Marks. And Peter will you begin the next round, the subject is changing the wheel. Can you talk about changing the wheel in 60 seconds starting now.

PJ: Well it's something I always try to get somebody else to do for me, a garage. Or if the worst really does occur then I would stand at the side of the road wiping a tear from my eye, hoping that some liberated woman would stop her powerful car, leap out, and do the change for me, and then afterwards take me home to her flat for a strengthening drink, something an invitation that I am always open to accept. I don't know whether there are any listeners who may have motor cars and if they do, on occasion pass me on the highway with one of these problems like a burst tyre, or even a gasket or big end gone, whatever it is that's happened, then I should be most grateful...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Deviation, it's a long way away from changing a wheel. He's now...

NP: He's gone to gaskets and big ends and...

PJ: Yes but I went off it a long time ago. What kept you?

NP: Generosity!

PJ: I can't believe that!

NP: Fourteen seconds on changing the wheel with you Clement starting now.

CF: I have also found difficulty doing this myself and what I now do is lie under the car waiting for someone to come along and say are you all right. When I say no, would you change my wheel...

WHISTLE

NP: Ah Clement Freud then speaking as the whistle went gets the extra point and he's now in the lead. Alfred Marks will you begin the next round, the subject, the last time I blushed. You have 60 seconds Alfred starting now.

AM: Strange as it may seem, the last time I blushed was on the train coming here this afternoon. The story goes back a little while because I am an acknowledged radio performer of some talent, I think. I'm not blowing my own trumpet but people have said to me we like you very much on the air Alfred. The only thing is you do tend to speak rather rapidly. I will tell you what this has to do with the last time I blushed when I get to it. And so bearing this in mind, and wanting my career to remain in the ascendancy, I took myself over to a man in Harley Street who said to me, the only way to do this is to exercise. And he gave me the following hints. They are thus, that when I speak I must speak very deliberately, slowly and take deep breaths and...

BUZZ

NP: And Clement Freud has challenged you.

AM: ... one of the exercises he... pardon?

NP: Clement Freud has challenged you. Clement?

CF: There's repetition by the speech therapist. He said when I speak you speak.

NP: Yes there was lot of you speak.

AM: Yes yes yes. Yes, great pity because it's a very funny story.

NP: Yes I know it is. Ah funny speech therapist. Thirteen seconds are left for you on the last time I blushed Clement starting now.

CF: It was when a woman came up to me on a beach and untangled my dressing gown which I was unhappily wearing, took off my slippers, and said are you Alfred Marks of radio and television fame...

WHISTLE

NP: Clement Freud again speaking when the whistle went increased his lead at the end of the round. Kenneth Williams your turn to begin, the subject Pompeii. Would you talk about him for 60 seconds if you can starting now.

KW: Well I don't know an awful lot about Pompeii. I know he was part of the triumvirate composed of Caesar, Crassus and himself. He married Julia who was the daughter of the second bloke I mentioned because I ca't say it again or I'll be challenged. And fell out with him over these various policies which led to the defeat of Farcala. Then he fled to Egypt where he was done in by a member of his own entourage or of you prefer the term, soldier. A most dishonourable business but of course all that lot were pretty shocking. That other one, Pologion, Polig, you know...

BUZZ

NP: Alfred Marks has challenged you.

AM: Yeah hesitation I think.

NP: Yes. Yes you mustn't...

KW: Well I was just getting going, you know what I mean? I didn't challenge you, you'll notice, before, when you were under way. You'll notice that.

AM: Indeed.

KW: Yes dear!

NP: But he didn't, he didn't try and say Caligula which...

KW: No that's true, it's most irregular, mmm.

NP: Under pressure it's impossible. There are 16 seconds for you Alfred on Pompeii starting now.

AM: The most remarkable coincidence about this question is that a speech therapist that I went to, who I mentioned previously, name wasn't Nyus, it was Pompeii. And Mister Pompeii said to me, wherever possible you must say the following, Mary, breathing in between slowly...

WHISTLE

NP: Clement your turn to begin, the subject, a talisman. Can you talk about them for Just A Minute starting now.

CF: A talisman is something which you might find on your escutcheon or family shield or even a lucky charm kept in the pocket of your suit or trousers, dressing gown, pyjamas, shirt or wrapped in your handkerchief where it say er...

BUZZ

NP: Alfred Marks has challenged you.

AM: Oh indeed hesitation.

NP: Oh indeed yes.

AM: Without doubt.

NP: And 22 seconds on talisman Alfred starting now.

AM: I remember a gentleman in the east end of London where I was bred and reared. He used to sell talismen at Christmas. And one day he came out with a small glass swanlike object which was hollow. There was a hole in the head and a hole in what was supposed to be the tail. And the secret of this was, I said hole twice and nobody has challenged me, and I am going to go on until that whistle blows...

WHISTLE

NP: Well they're being very generous to each other in this particular round. And ah Alfred you kept going again until the whistle in spite of your hole in the head or wherever it was. And you have er increased your position, you're only one point behind our leader now Clement Freud, but you've overtaken the other two. Peter Jones your turn to begin now, the subject, top marks. Would you get off his foot and talk about top marks, 60 seconds starting now.

PJ: Well I've got a lot of time for Harpo, Chico, even Zeppo. Certainly Groucho, the man who made that immortal remark, I wouldn't care to be a member of a club that would have me. I've misphrased that unfortunately, however, ah, um...

BUZZ

PJ: I wouldn't care to belong to any club, no I can't remember it. Well I think I ought to go on the road for a couple of weeks and come in with it properly!

NP: Kenneth Williams challenged you.

KW: Well I thought it was hesitation really.

NP: You thought right Kenneth. You have a point and you have 40 seconds to continue on top marks starting now.

KW: Well I've never really got any top marks, and it's most unfortunate. Because of all the people that have ever been gathered on any English stage, it is I that deserve them. All of these awards and garlands should have been handed to me on a plate. But no-one's appeared. Gold plates, silver plates, china plates...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud.

CF: All those plates.

NP: Yes there were far too many plates you served up there.

KW: Well I like a plate.

NP: Yes and there are 17 seconds for you to continue with top marks Clement starting now.

CF: I suppose if you go to Highgate Cemetery and look for the grave of Karl Marx, you might have reason to believe that is top Marx. Rather than Alfred or...

WHISTLE

NP: Clement Freud was again speaking when the whistle went so he gained the extra point. Alfred it's your turn to begin and the subject is getting measured for a suit. Can you talk about that for 60 seconds starting now.

AM: A very strange question in this day and age because very few suits are made to measure these days of bespoke tailoring as it is called, rightly so. These days one goes into a shop...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: These days came up three times.

AM: Yes, some of these days came up three times.

KW: Mmmmm!

NP: It's quite a good song but...

KW: Yes! (sings) Some of these days you're going to miss me, honey!

NP: But you can't keep bringing the refrain into Just A Minute Kenneth.

KW: No.

NP: Ah there are 47 seconds on getting measured for a suit with you Kenneth starting now.

KW: This does happen to me occasionally. And I'm very often asked inside leg and I always say no, I was outside right, but was sent off for handling the ball. On the other hand I am currently known to play very good games indoors, preferably the table tennis. Often the ping pong gives me a tremendous thrill...

BUZZ

NP: Alfred Marks has challenged.

AM: Oh without any doubt whatsoever, deviation to the highest degree! What on earth has ping pong got to do with being measured for a suit?

NP: I quite agree with you. You don't have to sort of underline your case Alfred.

AM: Thank you.

NP: I quite agree with you. Twenty-nine seconds with you Alfred on getting measured for a suit starting now.

AM: I am terribly embarrassed. When the tailor says to me which side do you dress, I usually say east side, because the sun gets in my eyes and I dress on the other side. However as I was saying previously...

BUZZ

AM: I'm not going to say it obviously!

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Well he was going to say something that he had said previously.

AM: Absolutely right.

PJ: Which apart from being boring is repetition.

AM: Quite right Peter.

NP: And there are 16 seconds for you Peter now, on getting measured for a suit starting now.

PJ: It was Guy Middleton who when asked which side you dressed, said "just make it baggy at the knees". I remember that very well, the poor man died now. However being measured for a suit has a number of hazards, particularly if you're not exactly a normal standard...

WHISTLE

NP: Peter Jones then kept going until the whistle went, gained the extra point, and he's still in third place with Kenneth Williams. Kenneth your turn to begin, the Plimsoll line, can you talk about that, 60 seconds starting now.

KW: The Plimsoll line is of course the thing which is drawn on the side of the ship to determine the displacement by law over which you are not allowed to overburden...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: It's not the displacement by law, it's the displacement by weight.

NP: Oh that's very subtle isn't it, yes. The law says the displacement by weight must not go above the line. But I think we have to be generous on grammatical errors and the stress of keeping going under such pressure is ah... let you have a point...

KW: Oh hurry up and get it out for God's sake! Call him a chairman?

PJ: Why quibble about grammatical errors?

NP: Kenneth you have the subject and you have 47 seconds on the Plimsoll line starting now.

KW: And in this way it is ensured they don't shove a load of idiots down in the hold, and is a very complicated process. So complicated...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: That was a very long buzz, what happened?

AM: I buzzed with you actually

PJ: Oh you did?

AM: Came in on the tail end.

KW: Well what was your challenge?

PJ: Well I did, it's nothing to do with putting idiots down in the hold. That has absolutely nothing to do with it.

KW: You've got to be an idiot to go down in the hold! Have you seen it?

NP: Peter Jones you have a point and there are 35 seconds on the Plimsoll line starting now.

PJ: Thirty-five seconds is a long time for me to talk about...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: Deviation, the amount of time you have is not the subject so you have deviated.

PJ: It's the whole raison d'etre!

KW: It's nothing to do with 35 seconds, the Plimsoll line, and you've dragged it all in, you great fool!

NP: He said...

APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE

KW: You heard the audience! You heard them! Ask the majority verdict! We happen to live in a democracy! Those people all voted for me! You heard them!

NP: You were browbeating them!

KW: Yes and I...

NP: Pressurising them!

KW: I've come all the way from Great Portland Street!

NP: That is not the way to win the game Kenneth.

KW: Isn't it? You give me half a chance mate, I don't care how I win it!

NP: Peter Jones went on to say that 35 seconds was not ah...

KW: Oh just because he stands you a Welsh rabbit round the corner, you think he's marvellous!

NP: Thirty-five, no 33 seconds on the Plimsoll line with you Peter starting now.

PJ: This line is put on all the ships so...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: Repetition, I've just made that point.

PJ: Yes but not as clearly!

NP: It doesn't matter whether you've made it, he's making it now! So there are 30 seconds for you Peter on the Plimsoll line starting now.

PJ: So that the casual observer and others can see whether the ship or boat, vessel of any kind...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Repetition of ship.

NP: Yes and there are 25 seconds for you Clement on the Plimsoll line starting now.

CF: As Peter Jones and Kenneth Williams have, and Alfred Marks no doubt will say, this line is put on all the ships...

BUZZ

NP: Alfred Marks has challenged.

AM: Absolutely false, I've no intention of speaking at all on this subject!

NP: So he was being devious?

AM: Absolutely.

NP: Right Alfred you have 18 seconds to continue with the Plimsoll line starting now.

AM: However, having been forced...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: Deviation, he's just said he's not going to speak on it!

NP: No! Kenneth Williams you have a point, you have 16 seconds on the Plimsoll line...

AM: Ah but I didn't say that whilst I had the question.

NP: I'm sorry, no, you're not going to wriggle out of it that way.

AM: But I didn't, I didn't say it whilst I had the question.

NP: If you had no intention, you could not have...

AM: I happen to be the biggest liar in London! That doesn't matter on this show.

NP: Well then if you're the biggest, if you're the biggest liar in London, you should never have had the point.

AM: I am leaving! I am getting up and leaving!

KW: All right, give it to him, give it to him! Give it to him!

AM: I may leave yet! I haven't been paid yet, you know!

NP: Well that's all right, we can...

AM: Do I get the subject or don't I get the subject?

NP: No, Kenneth Williams gets the subject and...

AM: All right then, I'll stay. See what a liar I am!

NP: Sixteen seconds on the Plimsoll line Kenneth starting now.

KW: Well this was a very the ah...

BUZZ

NP: Alfred Marks has challenged.

AM: If that wasn't a hesitation then I'm definitely not a liar.

NP: Of course it was.

KW: Well you put me off!

AM: Good!

KW: (crying) You put me off the whole time!

NP: You have 14 seconds on the Plimsoll line Alfred starting now.

AM: My plimsoles do not have a line. They merely have a welded sole to the welt. A lot of other plimsoles don't have this sort of adhesive. I on the other hand prefer this as there is no possibility of a rupture between the various parts of the...

BUZZ

WHISTLE

NP: Ah wait a minute! Kenneth challenged, Kenneth challenged before Alfred had his rupture.

KW: Yes, because the subject is the Plimsoll line which is...

AM: Yes the Plimsole line of my plimsolls which I'm wearing at the moment.

KW: Yes well that comes as news.

NP: Oh no, no, he's made his point quite clearly. One second for you Alfred on the Plimsoll line starting now.

BUZZ

WHISTLE

NP: And Kenneth, Alfred...

KW: Hesitation.

NP: What was it?

KW: Hesitation.

NP: Oh shut up!

KW: Hesitation! Definitely hesitation! He never come in!

NP: Half a second Alfred on the Plimsoll line starting now.

AM: However...

WHISTLE

NP: Well everybody got quite a lot of points on the Plimsoll line including Alfred Marks who got the extra one for speaking as the whistle went and he's now in the lead at the end of that round...

AM: Do your worst, bold bad Kenneth!

NP: Do you wish to leave now Alfred?

AM: I'll stay now, thank you yes

NP: Clement your turn to begin, the subject, the Trade Descriptions Act. can you talk about that for Just A Minute starting now.

CF: William Makepeace Trowbridge Thackerar, a 17th century... Savill...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams challenged.

KW: Well hesitation.

NP: Fifty-two seconds Kenneth on the Trade Descriptions Act starting now.

KW: The Trade Descriptions Act I've never read, let alone acted it! Haha! But I believe it was a yacht...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Repetition.

NP: Of what?

CF: Ha.

NP: Yes that is right. Forty-five seconds Clement on the Trades Description Act starting now.

CF: Having a guinea fowl to dinner and a new cook to prepare this, in front of a guests, called the police and said...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Can't have a guinea fowl to dinner.

NP: I thought the whole thing was very devious, I quite agree Peter. You have 37 seconds...

CF: What do you mean, you can't have a guinea fowl to dinner?

NP: ... on the Trades Description Act starting now.

CF: Some of my best friends are guinea fowls!

PJ: There are things in the Act which I've often thought...

NP: Go on Peter, quickly.

PJ: This is the Act under which I've often...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Hesitation.

NP: Not when he was speaking, before. You have another point Peter and there are 31 seconds Peter on the Trades Description Act starting now.

PJ: I have often thought of suing the television companies because they describe what I often watch as entertainment...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Repetition of often.

PJ: No I didn't repeat often.

NP: No you didn't repeat often. Did he?

SHOUTS OF "NO" FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: All right Peter, you have the point and you have 25 seconds on the Trade Descriptions Act starting now.

PJ: Well I think it's a very good thing that they have to describe what is in these jars of jam like pectin, artificial colouring to enhance the natural flavour, and all kinds of monosodiumglutomates and chemicals...

BUZZ

NP: Ah Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: There's only one kind of monosodiumglutomate.

PJ: No there isn't, there's American and there's British!

CF: No!

NP: Peter's made his point and he has 10 seconds to continue on the Trade Descriptions Act starting now.

PJ: and I'm looking forward to the day when they will have to apply this to the beer that we drink and that'll be a sad day for the publicans...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Repetition of day.

NP: Yes I'm afraid there was yes. And Clement you have very cleverly got in again with only one second to go on the Trade Descriptions Act starting now.

CF: Haha.

WHISTLE

CF: I repeated!

NP: And I have to tell you alas that we have no more time to play Just A Minute this week. So let me now give you the final score and it was an extremely close contest. Kenneth Williams was only just in fourth place, behind Alfred Marks who was in second place behind two joint winners, Peter Jones and Clement Freud! We hope you've enjoyed this edition of Just A Minute, from all of us here, good-bye!

THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: The chairman of Just A Minute was Nicholas Parsons, the programme was devised by Ian Messiter and produced by John Lloyd.