JAM:KWilliams,CFreud,PJones,AMarks
WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE!

starring KENNETH WILLIAMS, CLEMENT FREUD, PETER JONES and ALFRED MARKS, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 5 November 1973)


THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: We present Kenneth Williams, Clement Freud, Peter Jones and Alfred Marks in Just A Minute. And as the Minute Waltz fades away here to tell you about it is our chairman Nicholas Parsons.

NICHOLAS PARSONS: Thank you, thank you very much, hello and welcome to Just A Minute. And as you heard we're delighted to welcome back to play the game against our three regular players, Alfred Marks. And once again I'm going to ask them all to speak if they can without hesitation, without repetition and without deviating from the subject which is on the card. And according to how well they do this of course, they will gain the points, win or lose. We will start the show this week with Clement Freud. Clement the subject, being absolutely certain. I think you often are but would you talk about that subject for 60 seconds starting now.

CLEMENT FREUD: Being absolutely certain is all right when the subject is what is one and two, and the answer is three. Or four and six which gives 10. And yet in the judiciary, judges, those sort of people, have very difficult jobs, because now and then they will get a case of a man who stuck green shield stamps on his national health insurance card, and it's... awfully hard to sentence...

BUZZ

NP: Alfred Marks has challenged.

ALFRED MARKS: There was a hesitation there.

NP: I would agree Alfred, I think there was a hesitation. It was awfully dreary too. And you have 30 seconds on being absolutely certain, having gained a point of course for a correct challenge and you start now.

AM: May I carry on with what Clement was about to say, about the man who did stick green shield...

BUZZ

NP: Um Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Deviation, nothing to do with being absolutely certain.

NP: Well then you must have been awfully devious before, because you just admitted it. There are 27 seconds for Alfred Marks to talk on being absolutely certain starting now.

AM: I will not be diverted from making my point. The man who put green shield stamps on his insurance card was hauled before the court and he was fined four saucepans! Now this is an absolute certainty because if you do...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KENNETH WILLIAMS: Deviation, he's just quoted something which is a total lie! A pack of lies! A tissue of untruths! And so it's devious in the extreme!

NP: Right! Quiet! I have nothing... no way of proving that this man ever did what he did or...

KW: Nothing like that would happen before an English court and you know it!

NP: It might have...

KW: No judge would even discuss it!

NP: He never said it was an English court. It might have been a court somewhere else in some tin-pot place...

AM: Indeed it was! In a tin-pot place!

NP: When I have an impossible decision like this, the only thing I can do is bow to the superior wisdom and judgement of my audience. And I can see, I can see some fine legal minds in the audience here I'm sure. Ladies and gentlemen, if you agree with the basis of Kenneth Williams' challenge, would you cheer for him. And if you disagree will you boo for Alfred Marks, and would you all do it together now.

CHEERS AND BOOS FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: That man was never fined four saucepans! I'm terribly sorry, the audience are the final judges. Kenneth, the four saucepans gets you a point for a correct challenge, 15 seconds on being absolutely certain starting now.

KW: The title is ridiculous! You are either certain or you're not! There's no such thing as absolute certainty in a human world. I always am certain about things I've seen with my own eyes and about nothing else...

WHISTLE

NP: The whistle that Ian Messiter blows tells us that 60 seconds is up. Whoever speaks at that moment gains an extra point. On this occasion it was Kenneth Williams, who has two points at the end of that round. He's in the lead with Alfred Marks. Clement Freud and Peter Jones have yet to score. Kenneth Williams will you begin the next round and the subject is what the Greeks had a word for. Would you talk on that for one minute starting now.

KW: It is a remarkable fact that in this modern world, ie. the 20th century, doctors, psychiatrists, psychologists actually use Greek terms for a modern state. Now you could say the Oedipus complex you see, or the narcissists. Where do they derive from? You see the ancient Greek and in the mythology there was this bloke who desiring to have such intimate knowledge of himself looked into the reflection in the water, and allegorically they say, drowned himself. Well there was this girl who was standing nearby, she was deeply in love with him. She wouldn't eat a thing! She had no food, no drink, no nothing. And she just pined away, and only a voice said to her, they did say they called her Echo, because she was only, you know, oh she had, she had...

BUZZ

KW: Oh dear oh dear!

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Repetition of oh she was she was.

KW: But I was worked up!

NP: Which was also deviating from what the Greeks had a word for.

KW: It's not deviating at all. Echo was in love with Narcissus.

NP: Not who she who she who she.

KW: That's neither here nor there. That's rotten actually for you to draw attention to that, because that's an impediment. You must never draw attention to an impediment! Never should you! Thank you!

NP: The first time you ever...

APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE

KW: There you are, look at that lady, look at that lady!

NP: The first time you ever claimed you had an impediment.

KW: Oh I was er ah er um er...

NP: Clement Freud has a correct challenge and he has three seconds on what the Greeks had a word for starting now.

CF: What...

KW: He's leapt into three seconds! That's a disgrace!

WHISTLE

KW: He got in with three seconds! Oh sorry!

NP: And Kenneth Williams spoke during Clement Freud's three seconds, nobody challenged Clement Freud for not saying anything! The whistle went so Clement Freud gets the point for not speaking when the whistle went! Alfred the subject is now with you and it is how I impress my friends. Would you talk on that for one minute starting now.

AM: I impress my friends, mainly by my tolerance, good manners and sportsmanship. If I had a panel show where other people had to come on with me, and had to interrupt me by deviation or hesitation, I would let the new boy have his say. I would not in fact buzz me on stupid things as I have already had on this programme. On the other hand the... trifle of impressed friends...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged you.

PETER JONES: Hesitation.

AM: Yes indeed. I agree.

NP: Yes.

PJ: I'm pleased he agrees. It's nice, isn't it. We're all fairly unanimous about that, aren't we?

AM: Yes.

NP: Absolutely yes. Even though he's a new boy, we're still unanimous. Thirty-eight seconds Peter, on how I impress my friends starting now.

PJ: I really don't know how I impress my friends...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: Well if he doesn't know, why don't he shut up then!

NP: As that is not a correct challenge he gets another point and there are 35 seconds for you Peter on how I impress my friends starting now.

PJ: How I impress my friends is a mystery to me! And I've no hope really of ever solving the problem. Because I'm not able to read my obituary notices to find out what they really thought...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged twice.

CF: Repetition of really.

NP: Yes.

PJ: Really? I mean really! Yes Yes!

NP: Yes I'm afraid so. Clement you have a correct challenge and there are 22 seconds on how I impress my friends starting now.

CF: I impress my friends nainly, mainly, oh...

BUZZ

NP: Alfred Marks has challenged.

AM: There's no doubt about a hesitation.

NP: Yes. And there are 20 seconds for you Alfred on how I impress my friends starting now.

AM: I have a joke that I have heard told many times before. It is about...

BUZZ

NP: And Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Repetition!

LONG LAUGHTER FROM KW, PJ AND THE AUDIENCE

NP: That's...

AM: Only to me, not to the audience.

NP: Yes well of course, the thing is Alfred, that that is repetition if you've heard it many times before, but you didn't repeat yourself talking about how I impress my friends.

AM: I did not indeed.

NP: Fourteen seconds on how I impress my friends starting now.

AM: The best way to impress your friends is to have a telephone in your car...

BUZZ

NP: And Kenneth Williams has...

KW: Deviation, that's not the subject! The subject is how I impress my friends. You just said how you should impress your friends.

NP: Well he said how he impresses his friends is a telephone in the bath. He has 12 seconds on how I impress my friends Alfred starting now.

AM: May I correct you, it was not in the bath, it was in the car. And if he has...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Repetition of car.

NP: Nine and a half seconds Clement, how I impress my friends starting now.

CF: Alfred Marks, Peter Jones, Nicholas Parsons, Ian Messiter, great names with which to...

BUZZ

NP: Alfred Marks has challenged.

AM: I don't count myself as one of his friends! Deviation!

LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: But on the other hand he was only saying how he'd impress his friends.

AM: But he mentioned me as one of his friends. I'm not one of his friends.

NP: Oh I see, all right then Alfred. You have half a second on how I impress my friends starting now.

AM: My friends...

WHISTLE

NP: At the end of that round Alfred Marks has taken the lead ahead of Clement Freud...

PJ: He's taken the lead?

NP: Yes.

PJ: Good heavens above!

NP: Peter you're equal in third place with Kenneth Williams as you begin the next round and the subject is whoppers.

PJ: Whoppers?

NP: Yes. There's a lot to talk about on that subject but would you go on it for 60 seconds starting now.

PJ: Well I shall just have to think of very big ones. Enormous they must be, like bridges for instance. The Sydney Harbour one and there's another, the Firth of Forth. Oceans, the Pacific, the Atlantic, the things that swim in them, whales. And building-wise of course there is the Empire State Building, the Telephone Tower...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Repetition of building.

NP: Building-wise and Empire State Building, building-wise, yes I'm afraid you did repeat it Peter. Clement has a correct challenge, 37 seconds Clement, whoppers starting now.

CF: When my aunt left me 43 million pounds...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: We know she didn't, or he wouldn't be here!

APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: It's a very good challenge but of course we know we have no means of proving... Forty-three million? No! I'm sure she didn't! All right Peter, I will give it to you... can you justify Clement?

CF: What is the subject?

NP: Whoppers.

CF: And you don't think saying my aunt left me 43 million pounds is a whopper?

APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: If anybody in the audience would like to become the chairman of Just A Minute...

KW: Oh it's a very common expression. He told a whopper.

NP: I know, I know, but we didn't, we didn't know it was going to be a whopping lie. I think it's the chairman's prerogative to be able to change his mind when he knows he's wrong. Clement Freud you have a wrong challenge against you, a point, 34 seconds on whoppers starting now.

CF: In January 1984 I walked down Piccadilly which had been dug up...

BUZZ

NP: Alfred Marks has challenged.

AM: There will be no Piccadilly in 1984. I've seen the plans.

NP: But he's trying to show us that he's telling another whopper.

AM: Doesn't matter! I mean a whopper must have some semblance of reality.

NP: Yeah I would have thought so yes.

AM: Otherwise if it's totally unbelievable....

NP: And it's totally unbelievable, 1984.

AM: Absolutely.

NP: He can't say when.

AM: I quite agree with you.

NP: Yeah I'm glad you've convinced me. There are 28 seconds on whoppers Alfred starting now.

AM: In 1674 if you attempted to walk down Piccadilly you might find in fact that it will not exist in the year 1984. And that by the way...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Repetition of 84.

LAUGHTER FROM KW AND THE AUDIENCE

NP: Twenty seconds Clement on whoppers starting now.

CF: A whopper is a name given to a huge or monumental lie, also an untruth. But sometimes simply an exaggeration. For instance you might call on someone to say this is by far the largest building that I've ever seen outside the civilised world and Golder's Green...

WHISTLE

NP: Clement Freud then speaking when the whistle went gained the extra point and he's now taken the lead over Alfred Marks. Clement, your turn, the subject, stupidity, 60 seconds starting now.

CF: I've never tried to stew pidity, but if you do go into a butcher's shop and say "I would like three quarters of a pound of pidity, and... one pound of onion..."

BUZZ

NP: Alfred Marks has challenged.

AM: Both hesitation and deviation, I would say.

NP: Which one are you going for?

AM: Both!

NP: You're playing safe! I can only accept one, which one do you want?

AM: Well it was hesitation.

NP: Yes all right. I wouldn't have given deviation. Alfred you have 49 seconds on stupidity starting now.

AM: The height of stupidity was for me to press my buzzer just now to interrupt Clement Freud, because I really don't know what on earth I am going to say about this subject...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged you.

PJ: If he doesn't know what he's going to say, there's no point in him going on with it!

NP: What is your challenge then?

PJ: Ah...

AM: Waste of time, is it?

PJ: Waste of time, yes yes. Valuable air space is being wasted.

NP: But he wasn't deviating from stupidity Peter, so he keeps the subject and there are...

PJ: He was demonstrating it actually!

NP: Well you can demonstrate as well if you like. There are 42 seconds on stupidity Alfie starting now.

AM: The height of stupidity was an instant I...

BUZZ

NP: And Clement Freud got in there.

CF: Repetition of height.

NP: Yes you said it before I'm afraid Alfred.

AM: Did I really?

NP: Yes.

AM: But you said I could say it four times. I can't say it four times?

NP: Not the height of stupidity. You said the height of stupidity before.

AM: Did I? Yes.

NP: You can say the subject on the card more than once.

AM: Thank you very much.

PJ: You've probably forgotten you said it, because it wasn't very memorable!

AM: No!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: Remind me to be unkind to you sometime, Peter Jones.

PJ: Thanks very much.

NP: There are 39 seconds with you Clement on stupidity starting now.

CF: When I did history at school, I always remember being asked the dates of the Kings and Queens of England, which started with Henry the Fourth, 1826, Queen Mary, 1903, George the Eighth, 12 hundred...

BUZZ

NP: And Peter Jones has got in there.

PJ: Queen Mary is 1911. Not 1903.

NP: You're both wrong, but it was deviation from the correct date.

PJ: Really?

NP: Yes. And George the Eighth!

CF: I thought it was manifest stupidity!

NP: Oh you are demonstrating everything! Yes it was manifest stupidity, but actually I would call it more ignorance than stupidity and the subject is stupidity. You can be stupid but not ignorant. There are 24 seconds on stupidity Peter starting now.

PJ: It's a very difficult thing to cope with in oneself and perhaps even more so in others. And goodness knows I've had a great deal of experience of this. Battling against...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams challenged.

KW: Deviation, the whole thing's ludicrous! He says he has difficulty to cope with. Anyone who's stupid wouldn't be coping with it because they are stupid! They wouldn't be coping with anything, would they, they're just stupid!

NP: No but...

KW: I mean the assumption would have to be they were intelligent to cope with anything. I mean it's daft! He's talking a load of rubbish!

CF: Very good challenge.

KW: Thank you very much indeed Clement! I'm glad you agree! I mean he's deviating, waffling away...

CF: Quite right!

KW: And challenging the chairman most disgracefully, calling him rude names!

CF: Well done!

KW: I mean he comes here, and there's me waiting to discuss something...

NP: Kenneth!

KW: Good gracious!

NP: You've said quite a lot now. Would you mind keeping quiet because he was, I got the impression that he was saying how you handle stupidity in others. So he wasn't deviating, he has 12 seconds on stupidity Peter starting now.

PJ: We often get wrong numbers on the phone. And the other day it rang. I picked it up. A voice said "is that you?" I said "no it's me". And he said "is she there?" It was just too ludicrous for words...

WHISTLE

NP: Well Peter was then speaking as the whistle went, he gained a number of points in that round, he's moved forward. But I'm afraid he's still in third place behind our leaders, Alfred Marks and Clement Freud. Kenneth is trailing a little in fourth place...

KW: Small wonder, the way you conduct the game! You never get a chance to play it!

NP: Kenneth the subject is now with you and it is the man in the street. Would you go for that for one minute starting now.

KW: Well there was a man in the street, I am told, that went up to the Duke of Wellington and said "are you him?" And... oh I forgot what he did say...

BUZZ

NP: Alfred Marks has challenged.

AM: Well it's hesitation.

NP: I'm afraid it was.

KW: Ah I didn't hesitate, I was going on!

AM: You were going on yes. You were rather going on!

NP: There are 50...

LAUGHTER FROM PJ AND THE AUDIENCE

NP: There are 51 seconds on the man in the street with you Alfred starting now.

AM: It always bores me when television interviewers go up to the man in the street and ask his opinion on things which is totally out of his range. He knows nothing at all about the subject. Fancy asking a man in the street what he thinks about the price of Afghanistan eggs. And this man comes up with some erudite answer. What I prefer to ask the man on the street is to walk to him and say "would you give me a shilling for a cup of coffee?" To which he may reply "it's only sixpence", and you say "I know but I like to tip big!" On the other hand, you might say "would you give me two shillings for a sandwich?" and he'll say "I don't know, let me see it!" All these things make sense to me and I would rather that you walked up and talked to a man...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Repetition of a man.

AM: Yes indeed.

NP: Yes.

AM: It's a different man.

KW: It's on the card! Man in the street.

PJ: Yes, only part of it. I mean, that's what the subject is...

AM: I only spoke to part of the man!

NP: But they're all those...

AM: A different man actually.

NP: I know, a different man, there were all those shillings, wasn't there?

AM: Well it was a big sandwich!

NP: There were all those shillings.

AM: I have a friend in the audience who says "yes yes", every time he challenges me! Every time you give me a downward, he says "yes yes yes".

NP: I know we have a very partisan audience.

AM: He hates my guts, he does really! Oh sorry Clement, I beg your pardon.

NP: That lot over there sitting on that side, that's the Kenneth Williams Fan Club.

AM: Oh I see.

CHEERS FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: Peter Jones would you talk on the man in the street, there are 17 seconds left starting now.

PJ: It's generally accepted that this is the average representative...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: Deviation, it's not generally accepted.

NP: I think as a figure of speech I think you can say it is. And there are 13 seconds on the man in the street with you Peter starting now.

PJ: People are naturally...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: Hesitation.

NP: Yes Kenneth, you have um 12 seconds on the man in the street starting now.

KW: Of course it is a ludicrous term. The only...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Repetition of ludicrous, he said it was ludicrous before.

NP: You said it was ludicrous right at the start Kenneth. I'm very sorry. When you started on the man in the street.

KW: It's worse than bloomin' being bugged isn't it?

NP: Yes. Ten seconds on the man in the street Peter starting now.

PJ: If they can once ascertain his tastes and preferences, then they...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: That was er, I, ah...

KW: You were bored! You were naturally bored! He was very bored! He was dropping off and in dropping off suddenly touched his buzzer! You can't blame him! He was dropping off! He's come a long way, he's very tired of listening to all this boring rubbish!

CF: Exactly what happened!

KW: Yes!

NP: That's exactly what happened! He suddenly thought he hadn't said anything...

KW: No, no, on the contrary, that's where you're very wrong!

NP: And hoping in the time that I turned round that he would have time to think of a challenge. He failed, four seconds with you Peter on the man in the street starting now.

PJ: When is he going to come indoors and create some trouble...

WHISTLE

NP: A very interesting situation has arisen in the score. Kenneth Williams is still in fourth place. Clement Freud is just, because he dozed off a bit, in second place. He's one point behind Alfred Marks and Peter Jones who are now in the lead together. Peter has made a surge forward! Alfred here's a nice subject that Ian Messiter's thought of for you, it's your turn to begin by the way, being frank. Would you talk about that, 60 seconds starting now.

AM: There were two chaps and one said to the other "I'll be Frank", and he said "no, I'll be Frank, you were Frank last night". And this sort of joke leads people to the belief that this sort of thing can be said. However I am a philatelist which is obviously somebody who adores stamps. And as such my interest in being frank is the franks that go on stamps. I don't know whether you appreciate the fact that there are very different kinds and many many of them. For example there are the Maltese...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Repetition of many.

NP: Yes there were too many.

AM: Yes well there are very many of them.

NP: Yes but you've got to find a different way of saying it...

AM: I must learn to stop that, yes.

NP: Yes.

AM: All right then.

NP: A tremendous number.

AM: Yes, tremendous many number. If I said tremendous tremendous? No, I can't, no.

NP: There are 35 seconds Peter, on being frank starting now.

PJ: It's something that's not easy to do. You have to bear your soul and reveal your innermost thoughts. And of course it's often excruciatingly boring for those who are unfortunate to have to...

BUZZ

NP: And Alfred Marks has challenged.

AM: I just agree, it is excruciatingly boring!

NP: But it's a wrong challenge so Peter gets another point and you're neck-and-neck in the points...

AM: It was a comment actually. Not a challenge.

NP: It was what?

AM: A comment actually, not a challenge.

NP: Yes but you did challenge and interrupt his flow.

AM: Yes.

NP: He gets a point because it's incorrect...

AM: Yes, I don't even know his Flo. I beg your pardon!

NP: You better watch out for it, because his flow has put him in the lead now.

AM: Is that right?

NP: Yes.

AM: Where is she?

NP: You're going to get a taste of his flow in a minute.

AM: Promises, promises!

LAUGHTER FROM AM, NP, PJ AND THE AUDIENCE

NP: All right Peter, there, the subject, you have 22 seconds on flow, I mean, I'm sorry... there are 22 seconds to talk on the subject of being frank Peter starting now.

PJ: Psychiatrists and judges often beg one to be frank. And...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: Deviation, they don't, they ask you to be truthful, frank is nothing to do with that.

NP: Well they might ask you to be frank, they certainly would ask you to be...

KW: It does not mean being truthful and when you're giving evidence what the judge asks for...

NP: He never said it meant the same thing. He was not deviating from being frank.

KW: Of course it is! Saying what judges ask you to be! Judges don't ask that, they ask you to tell the truth, dear!

NP: They may ask you to tell the truth, but I met a judge in private the other day, and he said "would you be frank with me?" and I was. I'll tell you something else, he's sitting in the audience too! And he said "oh I'll be Frank tonight!" Um I'm sorry, let's get on with the game, we're all being too facetious tonight. Er Peter I disagree with Kenneth's challenge so you have a point and you have now seven, 16 seconds, and I must warn you all, this is the last round. Peter's taken the lead, Alfred is just behind, Clement's just behind him. It's a very insidious game and Kenneth's behind them. Sixteen seconds starting now.

PJ: I know because a judge once said to me "frankly, it is a crime to manufacture alcohol in private, and it is a misdemeanour to make water in public!" Now this was quite different, it had nothing whatsoever to do...

WHISTLE

NP: Well what a lovely note to finish this particular game of Just A Minute. So I'll give you the final score. Kenneth Williams finished alas in fourth place. And yes it doesn't matter where Kenneth finishes, he always contributes so much. Clement Freud finished only just in third place, one point behind Alfred Marks. But they both finished, Alfred and Clement, a long way behind this week's winner, who surged from the rear to take a well deserved victory, Peter Jones!

PJ: Thank you fans.

NP: We do hope you've enjoyed this edition of Just A Minute and will want to tune in again at the same time next week when once again we take to the air and we play Just A Minute. Until then from all of us here good-bye.

THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: The chairman of Just A Minute was Nicholas Parsons, the programme was devised by Ian Messiter and produced by David Hatch.