JAM:KWilliams,CFreud,PJones,AMarks
WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE!

starring KENNETH WILLIAMS, CLEMENT FREUD, PETER JONES and ALFRED MARKS, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 17 February 1975)


THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: We present Kenneth Williams, Clement Freud, Peter Jones and Alfred Marks in Just A Minute. And as the Minute Waltz fades away here to tell you about it is our chairman Nicholas Parsons.

NICHOLAS PARSONS: Thank you, thank you very much indeed, hello and welcome to Just A Minute. And we're delighted to welcome back Alfred Marks to play the game with our three regular competitors. And as usual I am going to ask them to speak if they can for Just A Minute on some unlikely subject without hesitation, without repetition, and without deviating from the subject which is on the card in front of me. And we will begin the show this week with Alfred Marks. Alfred we would like you to start the show with talking about what I learn from this show. Can you talk on that the subject for 60 seconds starting now.

ALFRED MARKS: I am the occasional member of this panel. I have been asked quite a few times to come here, and it's always a pleasure. So I have learnt a great deal from this show. One of the things I have learned, several things I have learnt from this show, have been how charming the rest of the panel are, and also the chairman and Mister Messiter. For example we have Kenneth who, the marvellous comedian, never lost for a smile and a line in the right place. And we have Clement Freud, urbane, erudite. Peter Jones who is sitting next to me, a wonderful companion. One thing I have learnt is because I am the new boy they're very kind. And the rules...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CLEMENT FREUD: Ah things three times.

AM: Yes.

NP: Yes.

AM: Yes.

NP: He's learnt one other thing, they're not very kind.

AM: No.

CF: I'm kind.

AM: All except Clement Freud!

NP: Clement you have a correct challenge so you get a point for that of course, and you take over the subject of what I learn from this show and there are 26 seconds left starting now.

CF: To put it succinctly in my urbane and eclectic way is hardly anything at all. I've been on this show since it first began, and I think...

BUZZ

NP: Alfred Marks has challenged.

AM: I think it's a deviation because obviously by what he just said, he has learnt nothing from this show, at all!

NP: Well that's what he was saying!

AM: He's just as nasty and rude as he ever has been! And therefore he is deviating from the question because it is what I have learnt from this show. The answer is nothing!

NP: Well that's just what he was saying.

AM: I see! All right! See how easily pleased I am.

NP: That's an incorrect challenge, Clement gets a point for that, keeps the subject, 15 seconds left starting now.

CF: I have learnt that if you go down Golders Green underground station and pay 27P you may get out at Streatham and pay a small surcharge. I never knew about this before I started to do Just A Minute when the producer met me in the Tea Bar...

WHISTLE

NP: I bet he knew about that long before he went on to Just A Minute. But Clement Freud was then speaking when the whistle went which tells us that 60 seconds is up. So he gains the extra point for doing so, and at the end of that round, he's the only one to have any points at all. Kenneth Williams, it's your turn to begin, the subject is spleen. Can you talk on that for Just A Minute starting now.

KW: It's a purplish coloured organ to the left of the stomach. And it's responsible for manufacturing lymphocytes. These are transmitted round the body rather in the same way that Harvey discovered the blood circulation, and are very very effective...

BUZZ

NP: And Alfred Marks...

KW: ... in warding off the odd germ.

NP: ... has challenged you.

KW: What? Who challenged?

NP: Alfred Marks did.

KW: Most uncharitable!

AM: Well, two actually. One is a repetition of very.

NP: Yeah.

AM: And the other one is he's making me thoroughly ill.

NP: Very very is repetitious and there are 35 seconds for you Alfred on spleen starting now.

AM: Also the word spleen can be applied to someone who has a lot of spunk, guts or courage. You have often heard someone say, my word, what an amount of spleen that man really has...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: It's completely incorrect, spleen does not mean that. It means acidity and rudeness and doesn't mean pluck or courage at all. He's giving the audience a completely wrong impression. They're going to go out of here saying "oh you've got a load of spleen dear" when they haven't got it at all.

NP: Yes.

AM: May I ask which side did you say your spleen was on?

KW: It's ah, I didn't say mine. I said the spleen is situated to the left of the...

AM: Normally to the left! The people I refer to have their spleen on the right. Those people are gutsy and courageous.

NP: Alfred, I agree with Kenneth's challenge...

AM: Yes.

NP: ... and you can't wriggle out of it that way.

AM: No.

NP: There are 24 seconds for you Kenneth on spleen starting now.

KW: Well the spleen of course is not something you really can go on about if you understand...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged you.

CF: Of course again.

NP: You did say of course.

KW: Oh of course!

NP: So Clement...

KW: Very keen listener, isn't he!

NP: .. has another point and 20 seconds on spleen starting now.

CF: Harris tweed, lights and spleen are absolutely essential if you want to make haggis which is normally consumed with a quantity of whisky, either blended or single malt...

BUZZ

NP: Ah Peter Jones has challenged.

PETER JONES: Harris tweed isn't an ingredient of ah haggis.

NP: No it definitely isn't.

CF: It certainly tastes like it!

NP: And sometimes even looks like it. But you were...

CF: I don't accept that.

NP: No. You make your haggis your way and we'll make ours our way. And Peter Jones...

PJ: I don't intend making it at all!

NP: Well you can have nine seconds in which to talk about spleen Peter starting now.

PJ: I associate it with the gall bladder, and the stones which are sometimes inside...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: Gall bladder is nothing to do with spleen so it's deviation.

PJ: No, but I associate it.

NP: Associate it.

KW: We're not concerned with what you associate with.

PJ: Because my...

KW: You're going to mislead all these people, they're going to go out of here saying "how's your bladder next?" aren't they.

PJ: No I don't think they'll raise the subject of bladders.

NP: No! And he was saying is that he associated with it so he wasn't actually deviating from the subject on the card so he gets a point for that and there are two and a half seconds on spleen Peter starting now.

PJ: I've got several feet of this ah...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: You can't have several feet of spleen!

PJ: No I haven't got as far as saying intestines.

KW: Well that's nothing to do with spleen, therefore you're deviating from the subject.

NP: So Kenneth has one second in which to talk about spleen starting now.

KW: It is the acidity which comes from this organ...

WHISTLE

NP: So at the end of that round Kenneth Williams got the point for speaking when the whistle went. And he's now in second place, one point behind Clement Freud, Peter Jones in third, and Alfred in fourth, one point separating each one. Peter Jones your turn to begin and the subject is very apt after what has been happening is waffle. So can you talk on waffle for Just A Minute starting now.

PJ: I can remember vividly the very first waffle I ever ate. It was in the restaurant of a store in Liverpool, Lewis's, possibly the Bon Marche. I don't know. But it was...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Deviation.

NP: Why?

CF: He can't remember it vividly if he doesn't remember...

PJ: I remember the waffle vividly, you idiot!

CF: I take it back, you're quite right!

NP: It was so vivid he lost all idea of where he was!

CF: Yes.

NP: And so he has 50 seconds to continue on waffles starting now.

PJ: There were about 48 small squares in each of the two. And in...

BUZZ

NP: Ah Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Deviation.

NP: Why?

CF: Then he doesn't remember it vividly if there were about 48 squares!

PJ: I were too young to count! I was only eight!

NP: No I think it's a very clever challenge, we'll give him a point...

PJ: You think that's a clever challenge?

NP: Yes.

PJ: Well I'm packing up to go home, you know!

NP: Forty seconds for you to continue on waffle Clement starting now.

CF: One of the greatest bullpoints about having a beard is that you can waffle into it. You can say things...

BUZZ

NP: Ah Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: Deviation, this game has nothing to do with bullpoints.

NP: Bullpoints?

KW: You say one of the greatest bullpoints.

PJ: You can ride underwater with them, can't you?

KW: No, he said bullpoints.

PJ: Oh sorry, your diction isn't too good, I can't hear too well.

NP: I don't even know what a bullpoint is.

KW: No, exactly, it's deviation.

NP: Can you help us to understand what you said a bit more Clement?

CF: What a bullpoint is?

NP: Yes.

CF: I'm really not here to teach you um...

NP: Good, then Kenneth Williams has a point and there are 34 seconds on waffle with you Kenneth starting now.

KW: Oh to rise in the early maude, with your waking forth the clarity in the milode, and you have the ancient breezus sparkus with the wax or the ulysses stuck in the eardrobe in order to pass the siren safely...

BUZZ

NP: Alfred Marks has challenged.

AM: There's no doubt that's absolute rubbish, is it not?

NP: It's also waffle.

AM: Ah yes but you must talk about waffle, you must not waffle, surely?

NP: Well I think you'll find it will be jolly difficult to keep it up for another 25 seconds. So we give him a point and he continues now starting now.

KW: Yes well I suppose it could be to speak in such a fashion that what you're imparting is totally unintelligible. But on the other hand much fun can be had with the construction linguistically of certain singtactical errors and indeed the zukimer. He took his oath and his seat. And the split infinitive, he quibbles...

WHISTLE

NP: Clement your turn to begin, the subject is the trouble with most chairmen. Would you try and talk upon it for 60 seconds Clement starting now.

CF: The trouble with most chairmen is paling into insignificance, compared to Nicholas Parsons who doesn't know the difference between a spleen and a waffle, and has never heard the word bullpoint. Which of course is um... I can't repeat it...

BUZZ

NP: Alfred Marks has challenged.

AM: Well I think a hesitation, don't you agree.

NP: I think so.

AM: Yes.

NP: Whatever you had challenged for, I would have given it to you. But no, he definitely...

CF: That's the trouble with this chairman.

NP: Yes he definitely hesitated and there are 44 seconds on the trouble with most chairmen Alfred starting now.

AM: The trouble with most chairmen is they are not like you if I may say so Nicholas. In that you are fair, you impart your judgements with great clarity. Also you take great pains not to offend people...

BUZZ

NP: Ah Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: Deviation, this is the most glaring sycophancy I've ever heard! It's a disgrace!

AM: Right! Right! You're absolutely right!

NP: So ah so ah...

KW: He's practically got his blazer in his mouth!

AM: The challenge is wrong but he's right.

NP: So what is your challenge?

KW: Deviation.

NP: Why? He's not deviating from the subject of the trouble with most chairmen. You can be as sycophantic as you like and keep going on the subject. So there are 32 seconds Alfred on the trouble with most chairmen starting now.

AM: I am a sycophant as I am with Kenneth. That has nothing at all to do with it. What I am saying is the trouble with most chairmen is unlike you they go on and on giving points...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud.

AM: On and on and on.

NP: And on. And Clement you have another point and 23 seconds on the trouble with most chairmen starting now.

CF: The trouble with most chairmen is that when they speak at their annual general meeting and ask the results of the previous year, they invariably forget to forecast the business, the trends and the bullpoints for the coming 12 months, which shareholders are desperately keen to hear about. Bonds, builders, stocks...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Ah hesitation.

NP: Yes I agree Peter, there are four and a half seconds on the trouble with most chairmen starting now.

PJ: Well they don't really try to get along with the team...

WHISTLE

NP: And at the end of that round Alfred is still in fourth place. Peter is in ah second place and Clement Freud is in the lead, with Kenneth Williams. Alfred your turn to begin, the subject, promises. Can you talk on that for Just A Minute starting now.

AM: Somebody once said promises were made to be broken. I don't think it was Voltaire and it certainly I do not believe was Rasseen either. However I don't subscribe to this philosophy because there are promises and there are promises. For example if my wife...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: There are and there are.

AM: Oh there are, yes, you're quite right.

NP: Yes you can repeat the word...

AM: Yes.

NP: ... the subject...

AM: Thank you, yes.

NP: But not the other words.

AM: Thank you very much. I'm so grateful to Kenneth for buzzing me...

NP: And getting a point in the process.

AM: That's quite all right, just wait till he starts!

NP: Forty-three seconds Kenneth on promises starting now.

KW: These of course are very often made when the person little knows what the future will hold in store, so to speak. The one that is made in the sacred vow, so to speak, of marriage...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: So to speak.

NP: Yes you did say so to speak before, I'm afraid.

KW: Well I was nervous, you see.

NP: Yes, well you don't need to be nervous in this game after the long time you've played it Kenneth. Twenty-four seconds on promises Clement starting now.

CF: I think the very first promises that I ever made were when I was in the Boy Scouts and I was on Hampstead Heath with a staff, with which I ankle-tapped others in Peewit Platoon in which I had been placed by a sympathetic master who went around wearing leather shirts and shorts of extraordinary length, his knees only just...

WHISTLE

NP: Amazing about the personal revelations you get in this game from time to time, but anyway it kept Clement going. He spoke again when the whistle went, gained the extra point, and he's increased his lead at the end of that round. Kenneth Williams we're back with you, would you talk now on Jerolamo Savanarola. It's a historical character which I'm sure Kenneth knows something about because Ian Messiter knows his interest and penchant for history. So would you start now.

KW: Yes well he was at the time of Florenzo dela Medichi. And he came to the city and with this kind of zealous preaching, he was a great puritan. He upset everyone so much that in the end the Medichi family, I said that twice, were forced to leave and...

BUZZ

NP: And Alfred Marks has challenged.

AM: Yes he said that twice.

NP: You shouldn't have drawn their attention to it Kenneth. Alfred you have the subject, there are 44 seconds left on Jerolamo Savanarola starting now.

AM: I do not have the erudition of Kenneth on history. But the Jerolamo Savanarola I know happens to be a restauranteur in Soho. He specialises in spaghetti Savanarola which is a sort of a pasta made of tomatoes, cheeses, eggs, sardines and ham. This is a very special dish and only idiots would eat it. I happen to be one of that ilk because I go in there quite often and am thoroughly ill each time. However I have stopped going to this particular place because really I'm very fond of fish and chips. And as I do not know a fish and chip restaurant...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged. Clement?

CF: He repeated.

NP: Correct challenge there, there are 10 seconds...

AM: There were two portions actually, one for the wife!

NP: Too late and anyway incorrect. Ten seconds Clement starting now.

CF: I've never had a Savanarola car and I don't believe too many of them are on the market whereas the most...

WHISTLE

NP: In spite of advertising outrageously, Clement kept going and again increased his lead at the end of the round. Peter Jones we're back with you, could you talk on the subject of the press for 60 seconds starting now.

PJ: They've always been quite pleasant to me, but it does occur to me from time to time immemorial really that there's a...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: It can't have occurred to Peter from time immemorial. You haven't been here that long!

PJ: Thanks very much!

NP: So that challenge of his is correct and Kenneth you have the subject, 52 seconds on the press starting now.

KW: They are on the whole a pretty fair bunch of people. With actors in interviews, they tend rather to cut up what one has said and it becomes an edited process. And you don't think half the time, oh that's not what I said, did I really speak like that? Of course these things can be made, you know what I mean, blown up into embarrassing portions, a microcosm of life so to speak, all the world's a stage and all the men and women merely players. They have their exits and their entrances and one man in his time plays many parts...

BUZZ

NP: You've been challenged by Peter Jones.

KW: What happened?

NP: Just give us your...

PJ: All, he repeated all.

KW: That was A-W-L, you great fool! All...

NP: All the world's a stage...

PJ: And all the men and women, no, Shakespeare...

KW: No, I meant my awl you see, to do with the nails.

NP: Then you'd be devious for quoting Shakespeare incorrectly.

PJ: Shakespeare...

KW: That's true, I often do.

NP: Yes well there are 25 seconds for Peter to continue on the press starting now.

PJ: Whose private life could really bear that kind of examination? I wonder...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Mine could!

PJ: That was a rhetorical question.

CF: I gave you a rhetorical answer.

NP: But it was not a correct challenge so he has 13 seconds to continue with the press Peter starting now.

PJ: It is, Clement will agree, an open invitation on his part to the press to investigate his personal life. I am of a different opinion...

CF: Too late!

PJ: I think perhaps that it may uncover...

BUZZ

NP: Alfred Marks has challenged.

AM: Oh I think a hesitation.

NP: Alfred Marks you have a correct challenge and you have one second left on the press starting now.

AM: Someone once said...

WHISTLE

NP: At the end of that round Alfred Marks gained an extra point for speaking when the whistle went. He's still in fourth place behind our leader Clement Freud. And Clement your turn to begin, the subject, cooling it. Can you talk on that for Just A Minute starting now.

CF: Cooling it is one of those new phrases, like heavy man. And I've never properly understood when someone said cool it, whether it meant putting a lump of ice into their drink, or... doing up your trousers....

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: I thought a bit of hesitation there.

NP: You thought correctly and there are 45 seconds for cooling it with you Kenneth starting now.

KW: Well cooling it as far as I am concerned simply does mean chilling the delicious wine, preferably frius carti, something from the country of Romeo and Juliet. And as they cool it, you see the bubbles glistening on the side of the bottle and one's taste buds start to work overtime. And the adrenaline goes flowing round the body. And I echo, cooling it, yes! That's what I'm after! Would be the job, just as well...

WHISTLE

NP: Well Kenneth Williams kept going magnificently on cooling it including speaking as the whistle went, gaining the extra point. And once again he has moved into the lead alongside Clement Freud. And Alfred Marks your turn to begin, and the subject, marksmanship. That's a good subject for you so would you talk on it Alfred starting now.

AM: I consider this is rather a private joke on the part of Mister Ian Messiter who thought aha, we have Alfred Marks on the show, why not give him the subject marksmanship. I've heard of one-upmanship on which I could speak, gamesmanship, ditto. But marksmanship proves rather difficult for me. I'm sitting here praying and pleading that someone will now press the button so that I may be devious and wait till the last couple of seconds...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams challenged you.

KW: Yes well he asked...

AM: Thank you very much!

KW: ... for someone to come in so I've come in.

NP: Because you think he was being devious, and you were correct, and you have 37 seconds on marksmanship starting now.

KW: The first time this test was undergone by myself was on the rifle range when I had to fire a Lee Enfield rifle. I went all over the place, nothing hit the target. And the sergeant said "you can make the tea, mate!" And I did, and when I...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Deviation.

NP: Why?

CF: Sergeants don't call soldiers mate.

NP: You don't know this particular sergeant, do you. For all you know, he might have referred to Kenneth as mate. In fact he might have been his mate.

KW: Yes he was, he gave me his photo. I've got it still! I have! I've got it in my album!

NP: Kenneth you've got an incorrect challenge, you've got a point for that, you have 23 seconds to continue on marksmanship starting now.

KW: The only reason I am continuing on marksmanship is so that Alfred may come in at the last minute with some wonderful piece of advice to you all on this subject, and thus score. But obviously he's not going to do it. I can see his hand lingering on his buzzer...

BUZZ

NP: He's done it. Alfred?

AM: Deviation, I have every intention of doing it. How can you possibly know I'm not going to do it.

NP: All right Alfred, you have nine seconds on marksmanship starting now.

AM: Now I know the subject is marksmanship I will now continue to expound on the said one, because, you see there are various targets which can come under the subject...

WHISTLE

NP: Alfred Marks was then speaking when the whistle went so he gained the extra point, he's moved into third place. But Kenneth Williams is now in a strong lead. And Peter Jones will you begin the next round, how I got done on my holiday. Ah 60 seconds starting now.

PJ: Well I just took my clothes off and lay down on a towel on the beach. I applied a bit of oil...

BUZZ

NP: Alfred Marks has challenged.

AM: Well I think a hesitation.

NP: Yes yes, he lay down on the beach and he was gone wasn't he.

PJ: Yes.

NP: There are 51 seconds on how I got done on the beach, no, how I got done on my holiday, ah 51 seconds Alfred starting now.

AM: Work did not allow me to spend my holiday with my family and consequently I have to go...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams have challenged.

KW: Ah hesitation, c-c-c-c--consequently.

NP: A very sharp one but we give it to you.

KW: You've got to be very very sharp in this game.

AM: Yes.

NP: Yes, 45 seconds on how I got done on my holiday, Kenneth starting now.

KW: They said it was a direct flight to Tangiers. Well halfway they said the engine's gone, and we were shoved down in this place called Bordeaux. I was the centre in the transit room of all eyes. And this fellow came up, he'd had a few, mind you. "Here, aint you the one on the telly?" I said "well yes, that does happen to be my forte." And of course, I was what you might call um...

BUZZ

NP: Alfred Marks has challenged.

AM: That was a hesitation if I've ever heard one.

NP: Yes yes, there are 20 seconds now for Alfred Marks to continue on how I got done on my holiday starting now.

AM: So I went in to the travel agents and I said I must go on my holiday alone this year. I don't relish that idea at all. And he said to me "well we have a gentleman here who like you is also having to have a holiday completely alone." And so I said I wouldn't mind...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Repetition of alone.

NP: Yes.

AM: Yes.

NP: And I said and er...

AM: He said.

NP: Six seconds Peter, on how I got done on my holiday starting now.

PJ: I went down to the wine country of France and there I went into an air field...

BUZZ

WHISTLE

NP: So Clement Freud challenged just before the whistle, I was told.

CF: I went down, I went, two wents.

NP: Clement Freud you have half a second on how I got done on my holiday starting now.

CF: Went!

WHISTLE

NP: Well Clement Freud cleverly got in just before the whistle. And as we have no more time to play the game, I can tell you that he nearly achieved it but not quite. The final score was that Peter Jones was just in fourth place. He got a lot of points but he was one point behind Alfred Marks. Alfred Marks was two points behind Clement Freud. And Clement in spite of the last challenge still finished up one point behind this week's winner, Kenneth Williams! A popular and well deserved win. We hope you enjoyed listening to the show, from all of us here, good-bye!

THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: The chairman of Just A Minute was Nicholas Parsons, the programme as devised by Ian Messiter and produced by John Lloyd.