JAM:KWilliams,CFreud,PJones,AMarks
WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE!

starring KENNETH WILLIAMS, CLEMENT FREUD, PETER JONES and ALFRED MARKS, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 8 October 1973)

NOTE: Alfred Marks's first appearance.


THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: We present Kenneth Williams, Clement Freud, Peter Jones and Alfred Marks in Just A Minute. And as the Minute Waltz fades away here to tell you about it is our chairman Nicholas Parsons.

NICHOLAS PARSONS: Thank you indeed, hello and welcome to Just A Minute. And as you just heard our announcer tell you, we are thrilled and delighted to welcome to the programme this week for the first time Alfred Marks! Alfred has very nobly and courageously come along tonight to try and do battle with these three experienced exponents of the game who need no introduction from me so I won't give it. Ladies and gentlemen, they have all got to try and speak as usual if they can for just one minute on some unlikely subject without hesitation, without repetition and without deviating from the subject on the card. And we'll start the show this week with Kenneth Williams. Kenneth the subject that Ian Messiter's thought of is how I restrain myself. Now as we know you very rarely do, would you try and talk about it for 60 seconds starting now.

KENNETH WILLIAMS: I suppose this could cover a multitude of sins, among them self-intro. Now I remember a man who achieved it by chaining himself and padlocking the lot, lying on the floor. And they said "well is that all?" And he said "it's enough". And I thought it was absolutely true. I've tried it myself with chains and ropes in an escapology act which I was to have done at the old Music Hall in Hackney. But when I arrived there, there was this guitarist whose strings broke. And he said could I help him out. Well the only thing I had was a strand of the stuff that should have been imprisoning me. But I gave it to him, and in consequence I was found charbilet as the French put it, and consequently I had... no, I said consequently twice.

BUZZ

NP: Oh but you shouldn't have stopped Kenneth!

KW: Mmmm!

NP: You were going so magnificently! They might even have restrained themselves!

KW: Who buzzed me?

NP: Kenneth Freud, er... Kenneth Freud!

LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: Clement Freud sits next to Kenneth Williams in the show, and so it was Clement Freud who challenged, why?

CLEMENT FREUD: Hesitation.

NP: Yes I would agree Clement. And you have a point for a correct challenge and you have 16 seconds on how I restrain myself starting now.

CF: First of all I have to strain myself, and after that i was able to re-strain myself. The damage...

BUZZ

NP: Um Alfred Marks has challenged.

ALFRED MARKS: Repetition of myself.

NP: Yes! Well done Alfred! Well done!

APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: So Alfred you got in there in the first round...

CF: We are playing new rules, are we?

NP: You said myself twice, didn't you?

CF: It is the subject on the card.

AM: I beg your pardon, I retract that.

NP: Of course it is the subject on the card, and you are allowed to say it twice. You've never played the game before, Clement Freud...

AM: Sounds as those you haven't either!

LOUD LAUGHTER FROM CF, KW, PJ AND THE AUDIENCE

NP: However did you guess Alfie? Do, you honestly don't think that if I was an efficient chairman, they would ask me back week after week, do you?

AM: Do I get a point for cheek?

NP: You see Clement Freud is one of the most generous players of the game. And I know he won't mind as you haven't played it before, allowing me to give you a point for that challenge, and allowing you to take over the subject with 10 seconds to go on how I restrain myself starting now.

AM: It's very kind of you. I would like the subject as I know nothing at all about restraining myself. As you can say restrain yourself or myself many times, I will carry on saying I will restrain myself...

BUZZ

NP: And Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Repetition of saying!

NP: Yes you did say say.

AM: I agree.

NP: Yes.

AM: I agree, yes.

NP: You should go on, how I restrain myself, how I restrain myself. But after about four if you're challenged, I would give it against you.

AM: You would?

NP: Yes.

AM: I see.

NP: But you only had one second to go, you almost might have achieved it actually!

AM: Right! Yes!

NP: Good thinking already. Have you heard the game before?

AM: Have I heard the game before?

NP: Yes.

AM: Many many times, I'm a great fan of the show.

PETER JONES: Many many, he repeated that! No, I just wanted to say something so that they didn't give up all hope of me ever speaking at all!

APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE

PJ: I don't want people turning off their radios all over the country!

NP: I know, this is where this Peter Jones er comes...

PJ: Exactly!

NP: Clement you very cleverly got in with one second to go on how I restrain myself starting now.

CF: Now.

WHISTLE

NP: Those of you who know the game well know that the whistle which is blown by Ian Messiter tells us that 60 seconds is up. And whoever is speaking at that moment gains an extra point. Clement Freud was doing it on this occasion and he has a commanding lead at the end of the round. And Clement Freud it's your turn to begin the second round and the subject is the small print. Would you talk from the small print for 60 seconds starting now.

CF: The small print factory is typography set minis...culely...

BUZZ

NP: Ah Kenneth Williams challenged.

KW: Well it was obviously hesitation all the way, wasn't it.

NP: Kenneth I must be fair and say that I have heard you go as slowly. And I think that um he didn't really hesitate, he was going slowly. And he can go quicker, I hope he will. So we will not allow that as hesitation, because it wasn't quite. Fifty-two seconds, the small print Clement, starting now.

CF: One could actually go very much quicker on the small print, but I have absolutely nothing to say about it at all, so I won't...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: If he's nothing to say about it, why doesn't he shut up?

NP: I thought he did actually shut up there, and sort of hesitate. So you have 47 seconds on the small print Peter starting now.

PJ: We've got a number of these all over the house. Some of them nicely framed, others not. Now the one that my wife always refers to as the small print hangs in the bathroom. And it's a photograph of a little boy in Brussels over a fountain. And it seems quite appropriate. It's not an original but it is rather nice when you're sitting there...

BUZZ

NP: And there's a challenge from Kenneth Williams.

KW: Two rathers.

NP: Yes there was Kenneth, you listened well and you have a point for a correct challenge and you have 26 seconds on the small print starting now.

KW: Well this has been recently attacked in new legislation. It doesn't refer to what Peter Jones was discussing. It is of course the trick by which people find things, little knowing the dreadful hidden penalties that are being perpetrated on them by a load of filthy, unscrupulous crooks! Because most of these people when you get these things, you buy them, and they all go wrong, and no-one will give you your money back! And it's absolutely disgusting! And I've taken back vacuum things that don't work...

BUZZ

KW: And these fraudsters...

NP: Clement Freud has challenged you.

KW: What?

NP: With one second to go.

KW: What happened?

NP: Clement Freud challenged.

KW: Oh! Hasn't he got a nerve!

NP: Yes he has got a nerve but...

KW: What's the basis of his challenge?

CF: I'm about to outline it!

NP: Clement?

CF: He repeated the word back.

NP: Well he was speaking so fast I couldn't hear if he repeated anything actually. You were sitting next to him, we'll take your word for it that he did repeat it and um...

PJ: You mean you take your word for it because he's sitting next to him?

NP: Yes!

PJ: Well that's ridiculous! I...

KW: Don't argue with the chairman!

PJ: I haven't got a chance, sitting over here!

NP: You're absolutely right Peter!

PJ: I think it's ridiculous!

NP: You've convinced me I should leave the subject with Kenneth Williams who has a point for a wrong challenge and he has one second to go starting now.

KW: And so the law has been changed! And rightly so!

WHISTLE

NP: Well it was Kenneth Williams then speaking when the whistle went, much to the pleasure of everybody in our audience here. He gained a number of points in that...

KW: And I'm in the lead!

NP: Second place.

KW: Oh! Well who's in first?

NP: Clement Freud.

KW: Oh! He always wins, doesn't he!

NP: But you are, you are well ahead, two points, of Alfred Marks and Peter Jones who have only a singleton to their name. Peter Jones will you begin the next round, the subject, current affairs. Would you talk about that, 60 seconds starting now.

PJ: Well I'm not having very many of them at the moment! But I remember, foreign affairs of course are another thing altogether. And I'm not going to talk about them because I would be guilty of deviating. But current affairs, they're going on all the time. And when you pause and think for a moment, as you're not entitled to do in this game of course, but if you have to pause...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Repetition of of course.

NP: Yes, unfortunately. It's very difficult not to say it occasionally. Clement a correct challenge, 41 seconds on current affairs starting now.

CF: The current affair that my donkey is having with a strawberry rowan mouse is one of the most uncomfortable and hard to conceive dalliances and misalliances as you might say, that have proliferated in the countryside since June the 22nd, nineteen hundred and forty-three...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged, why?

PJ: This sounds like deviation of the worst, grossest kind!

NP: Yes you see, it's probably, the subject matter probably is devious. But he wasn't actually deviating from the subject which is current affairs. He established that this particular relationship with the donkey...

PJ: A donkey and I didn't hear what else it was?

NP: Nor did I, I'm pleased to say!

PJ: Yes.

NP: And I think the less we hear about it, the better. But he wasn't deviating from the subject so he keeps going with a point for a wrong challenge and there are 24 seconds left starting now.

CF: Before attempting to have current affairs, you must find out whether you're AC or DC. And whether it is two hundred and thirty volts or the other one which has round instead of square holes to go into a plug. Now having established...

BUZZ

NP: Alfred Marks has challenged.

AM: Well it's deviation because holes don't go into a plug. Plugs go into a hole.

NP: Well done Alfred! Alfred you have a correct challenge and you have eight seconds on the subject of current affairs starting now.

AM: I find...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has...

KW: Well he was very long in starting! Hesitation I'm afraid!

AM: I'm new!

NP: He was very long in starting but we do give him a chance...

KW: Oh I'm sorry! I'm sorry!

NP: No don't apologise...

KW: I was only trying to speak! I haven't spoken for ages!

NP: You've just spoken now!

KW: Oh!

AM: I happen to be a very deep breather!

KW: Oh I see!

NP: Alfie you have six and a half second on, seconds on current affairs starting now.

AM: I adore current affairs...

BUZZ

NP: Um Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Deviation, he was rather quick in starting!

LAUGHTER FROM KW, PJ AND THE AUDIENCE

NP: He may have been deviating from his norm but he wasn't deviating from the subject on the card. He has another point and five seconds on current affairs starting now.

AM: I listen to the radio whenever I can and watch television. I adore news bulletins. I in fact are wide open to any piece of information...

WHISTLE

NP: Alfred Marks was then speaking when the whistle went, he gains that extra point. He's moved into second place now behind Clement Freud who's in the lead, Kenneth in third place and Peter in fourth. And Kenneth Williams your turn to begin. Percy Biss Shelley. Would you talk to us about him for 60 seconds starting now.

KW: I don't know why I always get these blokes. Anyway I've been, I don't suppose my knowledge on this subject is any better than anybody else's. I know he wrote these poems and married this woman who wrote this horror story about Frankenstein. He was chucked out of Oxford, and on the basis that he wrote this thing called er Defence Of, or A Need For Atheism. It was all considered quite unorthodox, and they gave him the bum's rush, which is quite reasonable in the circumstances. Because you can't have people in an institution which was fundamentally religious in as far as all these er places...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Hesitation.

NP: Yes I think I'd agree Clement and you have 19 seconds on Percy Biss Shelley starting now.

CF: I always remember Percy Biss Shelley for writing To A Nightingale, and never received a reply! Which worried me enormously. Because he waited by the front door morning after afternoon, evening and then the next month. He was still there by the mat hoping that the envelope would come...

WHISTLE

NP: Clement Freud your turn to begin and the subject, having the car serviced. Would you talk on that subject, 60 seconds starting now.

CF: Every now and again when you get into a motor car, and press the starter having turned the key in the ignition, nothing happens. At about which time, you telephone the garage and say "I believe it is time I had my car serviced". And the bill they send you which is usually marked tuning, seems as if it were done by Benjamin Britten because it comes to some enormous sum of money. Forty-eight pounds, 73p I seem to recall was the last account rendered to me by the service station...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams challenged.

KW: Well everything seemed to judder to a halt, didn't it.

NP: I know. He thought of that bill again, and he did come to a halt. Kenneth you have the subject of having the car serviced and there are 25 seconds left starting now.

KW: Well you have what is known as the MOT and various mechanics go over the vehicle ensuring that all...

BUZZ

NP: Alfred Marks has challenged.

AM: Slight deviation because the MOT is not a service, it's an inspection.

NP: That is perfectly correct, yes. It is er a inspection that you have for road worthiness when applying for a licence. Nothing to do with servicing a car. Bad luck Kenny! Alfie you have a correct challenge and 16 seconds on having the car serviced starting now.

AM: It may very well be that after you have the MOT, you are also to have certain parts of the car serviced, unless you do that you will not get the necessary certificate and you cannot get the car on the road. In which case you may have to walk or take a bicycle or have a piggyback from your friend. If you haven't got one of these people, the best...

WHISTLE

NP: Alfie kept going magnificently again, gained the extra point, he's taken the lead at the end of that round. Peter Jones your turn to begin, the subject is buying a house. Would you talk on that one for just one minute starting now.

PJ: It's very difficult to do. And I advise everybody who is contemplating it to pause and reflect for a period of years before they take the plunge. And then when they finally come to the decision they should go to estate agents, talk it over with friends and neighbours, walk up and down the streets and roads of wherever it is they are thinking of residing, examining the buildings on either side, and occasionally even looking at newspapers and perusing the advertisements because they have bungalows, tall ones and even shorter. And there are semi-detached...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Deviation.

NP: Why?

CF: You can't have a tall bungalow!

NP: Well I...

CF: I mean, high rise bungalows just don't exist!

NP: Well I don't know, I saw a...

PJ: You can have a tall storey!

NP: Yes!

PJ: I mean all bungalows are not the same size!

NP: Of course!

PJ: You must admit that! Therefore some are taller than others!

NP: When you'd gone, when you went from bungalows, I thought you were talking about houses, when you said tall ones and...

PJ: Yes! Exactly! Yes!

AM: Some as big as your head!

PJ: Yes!

NP: Yes! That's right and there are different sizes of bungalow anyway. No, Clement, I disagree with the challenge, 22 seconds, buying a house, still with you Peter starting now.

PJ: So get on to the phone and speak to these representatives of various vendors of people who are domiciled in these extraordinary square boxes made of bricks with slates on the top and glass things to let the light in...

BUZZ

NP: And Clement Freud has challenged again.

CF: Repetition of things.

PJ: Yes I think I did say things.

NP: Yes.

PJ: Yes.

NP: You did, unfortunately. But it was so difficult to find different words to express the same thing. Clement you have six and a half seconds on buying a house starting now.

CF: It's almost essential to have money. Otherwise nobody will sell a house...

BUZZ

NP: And Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: It's not almost essential! It is essential!

NP: Actually Peter, to be perfectly fair, it's not completely essential because...

CF: Certain local authorities give 100 percent mortgages!

NP: ... you see, there is a mortgage or a building society can help you.

PJ: You have to have money to get a mortgage. You can't just walk in and get a mortgage!

NP: Peter you've made a very good case and you have three seconds on buying a house starting now.

PJ: Get a cottage in the country and retire...

WHISTLE

NP: Peter Jones was then speaking when the whistle went so he gained the extra point and he's moved forward and he's still in fourth place. But he's only just behind Kenneth and Clement Freud and Alfred Marks are battling it out in the lead. Alfred your turn to begin, the subject is women. I don't know whether you know anything about them. I don't even know whether you've known any in your life but would you try and talk about them for 60 seconds starting now.

AM: Some of my best friends are women. My mother was a woman, my wife is a woman, my daughter is a woman, my Aunt Fanny who comes from Leeds is a woman. And I know women are what they are because they dance backwards. This is the first revelation I got when I was a young man. I have my best affairs have been with women. I say best because not all of them feel the same way...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Repetition of best.

AM: Best.

NP: Yes.

AM: I think, yes.

NP: Yes when you thought of those best affairs you had to repeat it. What a pity.

AM: I think that and I wish I was dead.

NP: I wouldn't because you've contributed a tremendous amount and you kept going for 20 seconds, no, 18. Peter, 42 seconds on women starting now.

PJ: Yes well, frailty, thy name is woman. I don't really subscribe to that because I've always thought they were charming creatures. And just as entitled to the same rights as we have ourselves. Ordinary human beings that is, not on a feminist level, but just as a person with a right and er...

BUZZ

NP: And er Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: Well it seemed to be all juddering to a halt again, didn't it.

PJ: Yes it was. I juddered, I definitely juddered.

NP: Yes so your judder was a pause so you have 20 seconds Kenneth Williams on women starting now.

KW: The first one that flung herself in my path had hair, long blonde tresses. Which she done up in plaits. And she said to me, because she was from another country, that they were fie blonden zicchin...

BUZZ

NP: Alfred Marks has challenged.

AM: Blonde I think, a repetition of blonde. Blonden and blonde, it's the same word really, just a cheat.

KW: No, blonden is not blonde.

AM: Blonden is not blonde.

NP: He's saying it in a different language.

AM: In a different language.

KW: What a nerve you've got! He's new to the show and everything! He comes here laying down the law!

NP: I know! He comes in...

KW: Marvellous isn't it! I wasn't even under way!

AM: If you repeat the same word, it is the same word actually...

KW: You're inhibiting me, you are!

AM: In Yiddish! Blonden is Yiddish for blonde, that's what he was saying.

KW: Is it? Oh I thought it was...

NP: Two seconds are with you Kenneth on women starting now.

KW: They are often referred to as the gentle sex...

WHISTLE

NP: Oh Kenneth really has moved forward. And Kenneth it's your turn to begin and the subject is candy floss. Can you talk about that sticky subject, 60 seconds starting now.


KW: Made by a lot of disgraceful people with the deliberate intention of ruining your teeth! Because this sugar stuff gets in your mouth and it rots all the gums and the roots! And of course you end up in the dentist. "Oh," he says "what have you been having?" "Well, I had this candy floss stuck to my teeth." "Ah well you'll have to have a new set..."

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud challenged first.

CF: Repetition of teeth.

NP: Yes it was rather difficult to get away from teeth once you started on them, wasn't it Kenneth. Forty-two seconds Clement on candy floss starting now.

CF: If you go to Hampstead Heath on August Bank Holiday behind the coconut shy to the left of the imitation rifle range, you find an elderly woman called Mrs KP Potterton selling candy floss...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: Deviation! The whole thing is lies! This thing with this woman is all made up!

NP: As I live quite near Hampstead Heath, I've been to the left behind the rifles...

KW: Have you?

NP: And she's not there!

KW: Oh!

NP: No!

KW: Really! So it is all made up!

NP: And I've got my family in the audience for once. She doesn't, she's not there, is she?

SHOUT OF "NO" FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: I've only got one member of my family in the audience! Kenneth I agree with your challenge and you have 26 seconds on candy floss starting now.

KW: Well of course it's the name of a lady. She was called Candy Floss because they couldn't think of anything else to say, except that she was sweet. So they gave us this name and...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged first again.

CF: Repetition of name.

NP: Yes! Clement you have 14 seconds on candy floss starting now.

CF: It comes in many different colours. Pink, green, blue, turquoise, orange, brown...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: It doesn't come in brown!

NP: It definitely doesn't come in brown! The only brown candy floss I've seen is the one that's been lying in the dust on the ground and it didn't come in that colour. Seven seconds for you on candy floss Peter starting now.

PJ: There are a lot of very unpleasant sweet things that I detest and I think candy floss is just about the worst, except...

WHISTLE

NP: So Peter gained another point. He's still in fourth place. Clement your turn to begin, the subject is spooks. And it is the last round I've been told so it could be anybody's game. Spooks Clement, 60 seconds starting now.

CF: Spooks is what very small bicycles have, where other similar modes of transport provide spokes. And shoes have spikes. But spooks is the subject on the card and often go whoomp in the night, as well as frightening children and making tigers, lions, leopards and panthers exceedingly uneasy in a hot desert night. And also in a cool cage in the zoological gardens ah Battersea Fun Fair, Hyde Park Corner, Marble Arch...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: I thought he said er Battersea Fun Fair. Didn't he?

NP: But he was so utterly devious.

PJ: Yes, devious it was! Yes, devious! I was coming to that! Yes I was just about to say! He said er Battersea Fun Fair and he was terribly devious!

NP: But you don't get lions and tigers at Battersea Fun Fair!

PJ: Yes it's absolute rubbish! You can't do much more than he did in that!

NP: And you don't get them in the desert either.

PJ: What?

NP: And you don't get them in the desert either.

PJ: No, of course you don't. My God! Absolutely right! Of course you don't! Panthers in the desert! I've never heard such rubbish!

NP: You responded so rapidly!

PJ: Yes I was on to it there! I wasn't going to let him get away with that!

NP: No! So Peter you have 26 seconds on spooks starting now.

PJ: Well there is a restaurant, I think, called Spooks. It's one of a er...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: Hesitation.

NP: Yes Kenneth...

PJ: Quite right.

NP: And you have now 22 seconds on spooks starting now.

KW: Oooohhhhhhh and various weird sounds are made by them. And if you stay awake long enough, manifestations, jelly-like, with curious ectoplasmic weird faces loom up at you and...

WHISTLE

NP: Kenneth Williams was then speaking as the whistle went, so got...

KW: I get a bonus point! A bonus point!

NP: Yes you got a bonus point!

KW: So I'm in the lead!

NP: Just let me give the final score.

KW: Well what is it?

NP: I want to keep you all...

KW: Stop hanging it out! Come on!

NP: The audience like to have it hung out a little because I always like, when I give the final score, to announce it in reverse order and say that Peter Jones did very well at the end and he finished only just in fourth place, about three points behind Alfred Marks who coming for the very first time, very nearly won. But by one point he failed to beat our joint winners of this week Clement Freud with Kenneth Williams! We do hope you've enjoyed this edition of Just A Minute, from all of us here good-bye.

THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: The chairman of Just A Minute was Nicholas Parsons, the programme was devised by Ian Messiter and produced by David Hatch.