JAM:KWilliams,DNimmo,CFreud,GJones
WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE!

starring KENNETH WILLIAMS, DEREK NIMMO, CLEMENT FREUD and GERALDINE JONES, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 10 November 1969)


THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: We present Kenneth Williams, Derek Nimmo, Clement Freud and Geraldine Jones on Just A Minute. And as the Minute Waltz fades away here to tell you about it is our chairman Nicholas Parsons.

NICHOLAS PARSONS: Thank you very much, welcome once again to Just A Minute. And once again we have the four most experienced exponents of the game who are going to try and speak on some unlikely subject that I will give them without hesitation, without repetition, and without deviating from the subject in any way at all. And if one of the others thinks they are guilty of these crimes they may be challenging them by taking the buzzer which they hold in their hands. if I uphold their challenge they will gain a point and take over the subject. And if I don't uphold the challenge, the person speaking gains a point and continues with the subject. Clement Freud will you begin this particular round, the subject is interviewing a secretary. Can you talk for Just A Minute on that subject starting now.

CLEMENT FREUD: Before you can interview a secretary you have to put an advertisement into your paper, in which you say Clement Freud is looking for a non-smoking, non-clock watching secretary who will work, who will drive cars, who will be generally nice about the house. And you get an awful lot of answers, mostly from people who smoke and don't drive cars, who say I'm sure if you employ me, I could get to become all you want. You cross all...

LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE

CF: You delete all those from your list and you send to the others... a...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo, you pressed your buzzer, you challenged, why?

DEREK NIMMO: Hesitation.

NP: Hesitation, I totally agree, and as Derek...

CF: You've got to hesitate a bit before you can interview your secretary. I mean it's ridiculous...

NP: I quite agree Clement but you cannot hesitate in this game. Derek Nimmo wins a point, he takes over the subject for the next 25 seconds if he can starting now.

DN: "Do sit down in that er leathered chair, Priscilla, while I proceed to interview you," I say...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud you've challenged. Why?

CF: Hesitation.

NP: Yes there was two. You very kindly overlooked the first one, and the second one you took him out with. Twenty seconds left for interviewing a secretary Clement, you begin now.

CF: I feel you want to make the job as unattractive as possible, because all jobs become pretty ropey when you...

BUZZ

NP: Geraldine Jones, you have challenged, why?

GERALDINE JONES: Um deviation.

NP: Why?

GJ: We haven't actually got to the interview yet, we're still on advertisements.

NP: No, it's a very clever try, it's one of those things which is very difficult to decide...

APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE

CF: Just because she has a large family from Liverpool, it isn't...

NP: The decision has been taken out of my hands by what Clement Freud claims is a large family from Liverpool which is Geraldine's home of course. So Geraldine you have a point and you take over the subject with 13 seconds left starting now.

GJ: My biggest problem when interviewing a secretary is that most of them are women and of course this gives me a natural disadvantage. Because in this position of prospective employer, I appear to be militant and careerist and rather ah un...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo you have challenged, why?

DN: Hesitation.

NP: There was a definite hesitation, you've been very clever getting in with only one second to go Derek, with interviewing a secretary starting now.

DN: Please draw very close to my table...

WHISTLE

NP: I should explain to anybody who doesn't know the game too well, whoever is speaking when the 60 seconds is up and that's denoted by the whistle, gains an extra point. On this occasion it was Derek Nimmo who of course has got the lead at the end of the first round. Kenneth Williams will you begin the second round for us. You haven't spoken yet, have you?

KENNETH WILLIAMS: No! No! I can't wait!

NP: Ah good. What to write on holiday postcards. That is the subject Kenneth, 60 seconds of that starting now.

KW: Most people of course generally deal with climate where they're staying, what they think about the place, and things like "wish you were sharing it with me". I do not do any of these things. I choose the postcard deliberately to write on the back. I recently chose one of two fearful looking brigands, hung with bullets all over them, great bandaleroes of bullets, pierced bearded, ribs tribesman, and I put on the back, I was sending it to the chairman actually of a very large company in London, "these two tried it on with me last night!"

LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE

KW: And I thought, I thought that was a lot more interesting than rubbing yourself with oil, and rubbing your belly in the hot sand...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud you've challenged, why?

CF: Repetition.

NP: Of what?

CF: Rubbing.

KW: Rubbing your belly in the hot sand? What better on holiday! Lovely! You were out there doing it, I bet!

NP: What better on holiday Kenneth, but in the game you can't do more it once. So Clement Freud...

KW: Oh repetition he got me on, was it?

NP: Yes repetition..

KW: Oh right, yes, mmmm.

NP: Too much rubbing. So Clement Freud takes another point and 16 seconds left on what to write on holiday postcards, he begins now.

CF: Words are possibly the best things to write on a holiday postcard. Often these words with...

BUZZ

NP: Geraldine Jones you've challenged.

GJ: Hesitation.

NP: Yes there was, I think he hesitated because he repeated the word words. And he spotted it before anybody else. So there we are, there are eight and a half seconds left for you Geraldine, with this subject starting now.

GJ: I always find comments to write on my holiday postcard...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud you've challenged. Why?

CF: Repetition, she always finds something!

KW: Oh! Oh!

CF: Yes but I don't think that is entirely fair. No, I mean, she must, you're just twisting words, I think there Clement. No I'm with Geraldine Jones, she has another point, she has six seconds left starting now.

GJ: Messages are invariably very boring to the people you're sending the card to. So I write to the postman and put as much...

WHISTLE

NP: As Geraldine Jones was speaking then when the whistle went, she gains a point and Geraldine has taken a lead of one at the end of the second round. Derek Nimmo would you begin the third round and the subject is sad films, and you begin now.

DN: The first sad film was shown on the 14th of August, 1921 in a small cinema off Wardaw Street. The Southern Armenian, a documentary film company or Sad Films Inc as they're known in America produced the film to expose to the world at large the atrocities being committed on the Armenian population by the Turks in the 1914 to 18 War just soon afterwards. You know these atrocities are not generally known, it's not generally realised...

BUZZ

NP: Geraldine Jones you challenged, why?

GJ: Repetition.

NP: Of what?

GJ: Generally known to be.

NP: Ah now, now, I would have let you have atrocities, we had a repetition of atrocities. But generally known, you cannot just have short phrases like that.

GJ: Oh I see.

NP: So I think that's a wee bit unfair, otherwise you could have it for ands and ifs and buts and its. So Derek I'm still with you, 32 seconds left for sad films starting now.

DN: The director of the film, Clarevitch, Noparnavitch, want...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud why have you challenged?

CF: Repetition.

NP: Of what?

CF: Two vitches!

LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE

CF: If you've got to make up unlikely names, you really should avoid that sort of thing.

NP: All right I'll tell you what I'll do, there were two separate names, both ended in vitch. I will give you a bonus point, a one point for cleverness Clement, and I leave the subject with Derek Nimmo who continues for the next 27 seconds starting now.

DN: I hadn't seen the film myself until 1958, and I remember sitting in the cinema seat... crying...

BUZZ

NP: Geraldine you challenged.

GJ: Hesitation.

NP: Hesitation, Geraldine has another point...

DN: It was emotion! I said crying! Emotion!

NP: It was an emotional hesitation. So Geraldine has a point, she has 23 seconds left starting now.

GJ: I always go to see sad films on my own, because I invariably cry all the way through and this means that my face becomes invariably swollen and my eyes go bloodshot. It's in the...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud why have you challenged?

CF: Hesitation.

NP: No, there was no hesitation. She was doing magnificently.

CF: Sounded to both of us...

KW: Yes! I definitely got from her a hint of hesitation, yes! Definitely!

NP: Just because you two sit on the same side...

KW: (shouts) Because I love him, that's why! He's my friend! He's sat by me through thick and thin!

LOUD LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: At last we discover...

KW: Yes!

NP: Geraldine we are now back with you on the subject of sad films, you have gained another point, you have 13 seconds left starting now.

GJ: Sometimes I've been thrown out of the cinema during sad films...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo why have you challenged?

DN: Repetition of cinema.

NP: Oh yes, we've had a lot of cinema, you're quite right, yes...

GJ: I haven't used the word once!

NP: But cinema has been used a great number of times...

CF: Oh indeed yes!

NP: ...in this particular round. So Derek Nimmo you have 10 and a half seconds for sad films starting now.

DN: I sat there with tears streaming down my face! I was terribly upset...

BUZZ

NP: Clement, Kenneth Williams why have you challenged?

KW: Repetition, he said the tears streaming before.

NP: No, he didn't actually, but Geraldine did.

KW: Oh that's repetition, yes, that's what I meant! I meant that, it was very good of you to point that out!

NP: So Kenneth Williams you've got your first point in this...

KW: Thank you, yes! Have I leapt into the lead?

LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: Not quite!

KW: Oh!

NP: Not quite, but you have seven and a half seconds for sad films starting now.

KW: Well sad films are known as weepies. And I've done a lot of them because I used to go to all those early Hollywood ones where the...

WHISTLE

NP: At the end...

KW: I'm at a disadvantage because I've got a creaking chair! I don't know if you're picking it up at all! I don't want you to think it's anything else!

NP: Kenneth are you still continuing about sad films?

KW: No I'm just explaining.

NP: Oh I see. Because we've actually finished now...

KW: Oh.

NP: You gained two points. Right, we've got to the next round and Geraldine Jones at the end of that round has a slight lead over Derek Nimmo. And Geraldine begins the next round and the subject is Charles the First. Would you try and talk for 60 seconds on that subject Geraldine starting now.

GJ: Charles the First was a very strange gentleman. Because according to no less...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams why have you challenged?

KW: Because he wasn't strange at all! It's deviation! He was the king of England, there's nothing strange about that!

NP: You can still be King of England and be strange, in fact I think if you study your history books, you'll find there's been some very strange Kings on the English throne.

KW: Nonsense! He was born to be the King...

NP: I disagree Kenneth, and I'm the one that has to decide, so I'm going to stand by my decision...

KW: All right then, you've got to say what it was, what, what about him was strange!

NP: No I'm going to let Geraldine Jones say what about him was strange ...

KW: Oh she'll take hours!

NP: Fifty-six seconds will do Geraldine and you continue now.

GJ: According to a portrait of him he had three faces, and the fact he was strange. On the other...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams why...

KW: This is deviation...

NP: Why?

KW: In fact the portrait does not depict him with three faces. The portrait says that he showed them to van Dyk, all three, three sides of him, that's all! It doesn't show him with three faces! She's inferring that it's one head, with three faces on the one head! It's rubbish! It's deviation!

NP: I'm going to put this to the audience, I don't know what to think! Do you agree with Kenneth Williams's challenge and if you agree with it will you please cheer. If you disagree with it, will you please boo and will you all do it together now.

CHEERS AND BOOS FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: I don't know, Ian Messiter?

IAN MESSITER: I think the cheers.

NP: I'm going to decide the cheers had it. We're going to find out what you think about Charles the First, with an extra point and with 52 seconds left starting now.

KW: Charles the First was the most remarkable King this country ever had! And of course he has left us with the most appalling sense of guilt because it was one of the occasions in this country where we all indulged in regicide, which is evil and wrong and should never have occurred. If I'd have been there, I'd have shouted out "stop!" "Ho," I cry, "ho, this must not happen! What are you doing, think! Think!"

BUZZ

KW: (continues to shout) Fie, let us not do this to us! Fie! Woe!

NP: Whoa! Your woe came in at the right moment, Clement Freud has challenged you, why?

CF: Repetition.

NP: Of what?

CF: Think, think.

NP: Think, think and...

CF: And some more also.

NP: Well Clement Freud, will you take up Charles the First for another 30 seconds starting now.

CF: Charles the First was a very ordinary King until he was executed in 16 hundred...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo you've challenged.

DN: Well he's not ordinary. It's already been established he's either strange or extraordinary, but he certainly can't be ordinary.

CF: It was overruled!

NP: It's not ...

DN: It's deviation!

LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: I must explain... I must explain to our listeners that this laughter was not caused by Derek Nimmo's challenge but by the fact that Kenneth Williams has just taken off his shoes!

KW: My feet swell!

NP: Well apparently Charles the First always has this effect on him. It goes to his feet and not his head! But we don't think, Derek Nimmo, back to the subject, that anything has been firmly established about Charles the First in this particular round. So I'm still with Clement Freud who has another point, he has 25 seconds left starting now.

CF: Having succeeded James the First...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams why have you challenged?

KW: Because he must make it clear that he wasn't just James the First, he was James the Sixth of Scotland as well.

NP: He was still James the First of England.

KW: Oh well you're right, of course. He's very fair! He's very fair! He's very fair!

NP: So Clement Freud has another point, he has 23 seconds left for Charles the First starting now.

CF: He ruled England for 39 years before he was executed and lost his head at the Tower of London, which gave rise to a song...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams you have challenged again.

KW: He didn't lose his head at the Tower of London at all! He was executed in Whitehall outside the Inigo Jones banqueting hall.

NP: You're quite right Kenneth Williams.

KW: Yes!

CF: During the banquet...

NP: Kenneth Williams today showing a new side of his personality, the historian and also the Stuart.

KW: Thank you! And the voyeur!

NP: And a man who works better without his shoes on! Tell me Kenneth, do you always drink with a King across the water when you raise your glass?

KW: Never! I've got no time for all that rubbish! Once the line is established I believe we should stick to it!

NP: All right...

KW: I don't believe in...

NP: We'll stick to this line now and you carry on with Charles the First for 14 seconds starting now.

KW: Well he, one of the most gracious things I think that he said was on the scaffold, when the Bishop said "how do you feel?" or something to that effect. And he said "I go from a corrupt world to an incorruptible one where there will be no..."

WHISTLE

NP: Well Kenneth Williams' knowledge of history has brought him up with the others, and they're all now neck and neck. Clement Freud would you begin the next round, the subject is flat hunting and please begin now.

CF: Essex is perhaps the best county for doing this, because all you need is a terrain without hills or mountains, without undue depression and a fair amount of game such as grouse, hare, buffalo, tigers, rabbits...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams why have you challenged?

KW: Repetition, an endless list of animals and we want to listen to the subject.

NP: No, I think we've got to establish one thing. If you go on, you can have a list of anything and call it repetition. But unless you actually repeat the word, I don't think that in this game we're going to get anywhere if...

KW: That's true! We've got to have the rules! You've got to have rules! You can't get on without them! Quite right!

NP: So I'm not going to give any points for that, I'm going to ask Clement Freud to continue with 44 seconds left starting now.

CF: Horses, cows, chickens, bantams, worms, hamsters...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams why...

KW: Deviation, it's all boring!

NP: It's got nothing to with flat...

CF: I'm always boring!

KW: Well that's deviation you see!

CF: I'm always boring, that's not deviation!

NP: In this game it could be but Kenneth Williams on this occasion has a point, he has 37 seconds left starting now.

KW: Well of course you've got to find your district. Having done that you want to find a little...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo why have you challenged?

DN: Repetition of find.

CF: Yes! Good! Good!

NP: This is true, but...

DN: A very good point I thought, Clay!

NP: It's trivial...

CF: Trivial! Trivial!

NP: And the next trivial point i am not going to award the point so...

DN: No! Quite right! Quite right!

NP: That's the last trivial person... ah... (laughs) That's the last trivial point I give to a trivial challenge. Derek Nimmo, 34 seconds starting now.

DN: I look down the more popular newspapers and there I see a desirable little residence to let. So I go round and knock at the door. And I say "hello, whatho, how are you today?" And she says "do come in Mister Nimmo". And I say "how nice, you know my name." And she says "you've got it written in front of you." And I say "how clever of you to read." So in I go and then I say "may I see the bathroom?" So I look round the bathroom, it's absolutely beautiful, immaculate. Lovely lavatory, lovely bath...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud.

CF: Three baths.

NP: Three what?

CF: Bathroom. Bathroom, bath.

NP: Very well all right, Clement Freud, 15 seconds...

DN: Oh! Bath! Bathroom! Lovely bath, lovely bathroom, lovely lavatory.

KW: You said "may I see the bath" first of all so that's three, dear!

NP: We're not going to have any argument between them. Clement Freud has 15 seconds left for flat hunting starting now.

CF: Many people spend an awful lot of time searching for accommodation which is often advertised in shop windows, especially in the Knightsbridge and Bayswater districts where the afore...

BUZZ

NP: Ah Kenneth Williams why have you challenged?

KW: Deviation.

NP: Why?

KW: Well of course, he's obviously advertised in the Knightsbridge area, he's got an interest in that area.

NP: It's got nothing to do with it, Clement Freud has another point, he has five seconds left for flat hunting starting now.

CF: Room to let especially for two working women is a popular phrase which you find...

WHISTLE

NP: Well at the end of that round, it's still neck and neck, only one point separates all of them in different degrees. Kenneth Williams will you begin the next round, bending people to your will.

KW: Ooohhh!

NP: You seem to like the thought of that subject Kenneth so can you talk on it, 60 seconds on it starting now.

KW: The best way to do this is through affection. Now there are two ways of course to do it. One is to do it through fear, this is the way they accomplish it in the Army and similar organisations. They make people do what they want because they're frightened. On the other hand, you can do it through affection. Natural affection...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud.

CF: The third affection.

KW: Yes but natural affection's different to unnatural affection, isn't it?

NP: It's still a repetition of affection.

KW: Oh!

NP: Sorry Kenneth but it was worth...

KW: I was getting worked up and everything!

NP: We were enjoying it so much Kenneth.

KW: Mmmmm.

NP: So there are 40 seconds left for you Clement Freud, bending people to your will starting now.

CF: Your Will is one of the best people for bending people that I've ever come across. He was born in 43 High Street in Southworld, Suffolk. And his full name was actually Bill Frost. He bent people all over the eastern county...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo you've challenged, why?

DN: Repetition of bending.

NP: No he said bent them, not bending.

DN: I'm so sorry...

NP: That's all right. So all that happens I'm afraid is Clement Freud has another point and there are 26 seconds left starting now.

CF: Throughout East Anglia there are straight and honest people who have lost their shape entirely because of this villainous gentleman who has gone around inflicting his own particular...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo you've challenged, yes?

DN: Hesitation after his own particular.

NP: Yes. Yes he was finding another way to bend his own particular. Derek Nimmo you have 14 seconds left for bending people to your will starting now.

DN: Every time I make a will I go to my solicitor's office and I get 48 people all around my desk and I say...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams why...

KW: Deviation, he's now talking about making a will and we're supposed to be talking about bending.

NP: Many people to your will?

DN: It was going to bend if you'd give me a moment! I was just going to circle round it you see.

NP: And they were all going to bend into your will?

DN: Bending people to your will.

NP: Oh that's a very clever way Derek Nimmo so you have nine seconds left, another point to you starting now.

DN: This large group of people afore-gathered. I say the word of command, "one, two, three", down they go! And so they're all on the ground looking at me, I go up...

WHISTLE

NP: Well at the end of that round Derek Nimmo has taken a very decisive lead over Clement Freud who is leading Geraldine Jones and Kenneth Williams who are in third place. Geraldine Jones will you begin the next round, equal pay for women and will you begin now.

GJ: The great myth about equal pay for women is that women do equal work. It is absolutely impossible for a woman to do any job in precisely the same way as a man. And therefore the whole myth about how much she should be paid should be exploded here and now. In practice of course women should be paid a great deal more for anything they do. Especially for those jobs that only they do. And to try and drag their salaries down to those that men have suffered for centuries is folly, and I think very retrogressive and reactionary. When I get a job which hasn't yet happened to me, I don't expect to be paid as little as men. I expect to be paid far far more. And I hope...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams you challenged.

KW: Far far, repetition.

NP: Kenneth Williams you have am point and you have 24 seconds for equal pay for women starting now.

KW: This is a ludicrous idea. Everyone knows that the men are the prime movers of this world. All the great discoverers, Cosferlagus, Galilieo, men all of them. Women are a load of rubbish...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo...

KW: No!

DN: He's talking about men, not women. Deviation you see.

NP: No. If you'd had him for repetition of men, I would agree. You've got in order to talk about equal pay...

DN: It's equal pay...

NP: We have already had a comparison with the pay of men so I...

KW: Precisely! Thank you! Oh wise chairman! Wise! Wise! Yes!

NP: Twelve seconds for equal pay for women starting now.

KW: It is a ludicrous idea that they should have equal pay because they do not and cannot, by their very nature, put in the hours that men put in...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud why have you challenged?

CF: Repetition.

NP: Of what?

CF: Men.

NP: All right there are three seconds left. Equal pay for women Clement Freud starting now.

CF: This is a most admirable thing and I'm absolutely entirely...

WHISTLE

NP: Well at the end of the round Clement Freud...

CF: Leapt into the lead!

NP: ...is in second place...

CF: Oh!

NP: Just in front of Geraldine Jones and Kenneth Williams who are equal in third place. And Derek Nimmo's still in the lead. Kenneth Williams will you begin the next round, things to say to people on first acquaintance. Can you try and talk on that subject for 60 seconds starting now.

KW: Well they usually say things like "what sort of work are you in?" Or "what sort of thing do you do?" And I invariably launch into a brief encapsulated story of my career since it began. I generally say "well you know I first decided I would be a draughtsman. I thought that was my natural bent, that was my forte. And then I said no, I changed my mind, because I realised art was calling me. the muse had lit upon my shoulder. And so I decided to go into" er, I hesitate...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud you challenged.

CF: Hesitation.

NP: Hesitation yes because Kenneth Williams also told you. And there are another point to you, 22 seconds left, things to say to people on first acquaintance starting now.

CF: I never get people's names when I first meet them, so I tend to say to them, "I didn't quite catch what you were called." And they say "my name is..."

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo why have you challenged?

DN: Repetition of name.

NP: Derek Nimmo you have another point...

CF: Most people have two names, I mean...

NP: I'm afraid you can't get out of it that way Clement. Thirteen seconds left, things to say to people on first acquaintance Derek starting now.

DN: What I say is have you interviewed a secretary? Or what do you write on holiday postcards? Do you like sad films? What about Charles the First? Do you like making a speech? What about equal pay for women? Do you like flat hunting?

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud why have you challenged?

CF: Hesitation.

NP: No, he was in full flood there. He was trying to search for the next subject I think. There's one second left for you Derek Nimmo, things to say to people on first acquaintance starting now.

DN: Whatho old fruit, how are you?

WHISTLE

NP: Well that I'm afraid is all we have time for in this particular game of Just A Minute...

KW: Oh what a shame! I didn't get much out at all!

NP: No! But you did quite well, and in spite of that last challenge Derek Nimmo would still have been the winner. By a clear four or five points he is undoubtedly this week's winner! Clement Freud was second and Kenneth Williams and Geraldine Jones were equal in third place a little way behind Clement. Well that's about all we have time for as I said before, but we hope you've enjoyed this particular game of Just A Minute. From all of us here, good-bye. Good-bye.

THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: The chairman of Just A Minute was Nicholas Parsons, the programme was devised by Ian Messiter and produced by David Hatch.