JAM:KWilliams,DNimmo,CFreud,GJones
WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE!

starring KENNETH WILLIAMS, DEREK NIMMO, CLEMENT FREUD and GERALDINE JONES, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 30 March 1970)

NOTE: Geraldine Jones's last appearance.


THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: We present Kenneth Williams, Derek Nimmo, Clement Freud and Geraldine Jones in Just A Minute. And as the Minute Waltz fades away, here to tell you about it is our chairman Nicholas Parsons.

NICHOLAS PARSONS: Thank you, thank you very much indeed and welcome once again to Just A Minute. And once again itís my pleasure to tell you that these four are going to try and speak for Just A Minute on some unlikely subject that I will them without hesitation, without repetition and without deviating from the subject if they can. And if one of the others thinks they are guilty of doing this, they will challenge by pressing their buzzer. And if I agree with the challenge or disagree they will gain points or give them away as the cas may be. So let us begin this week with Kenneth Williams. Kenneth, a delightful subject for you, Romulus and Remus. Can you speak for 60 seconds about those two starting now.

KENNETH WILLIAMS: Well Iím not an expert on your actual Roman mythology but these two I think, were brothers who were suckled by a she-wolf. And then they had a terrible row and one flew the other. And then he went to the Sabine women and they had this rape! Now the idea was, because he had no women, that was the idea, you see, oh Iíve...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo, youíve challenged, why?

DEREK NIMMO: Repetition of idea.

NP: Yes and I agree with the challenge Derek, you gain a point and you take over the subject. There are 30 seconds left for Romulus and Remus starting now.

DN: Well when Romulus and Remus wanted to decide on which hill to build a new city, they went, one to the Apentine Hill and one to the Palestine Hill...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud youíve challenged, why?

CLEMENT FREUD: Repetition of hill.

NP: Yes alas there was. It was getting so interesting too. Clement Freud I agree with the challenge so you gain a point and you take over the subject with 22 seconds left for Romulus and Remus starting now.

CF: The mother of Romulus and Remus was possibly the first woman to have taken a fertility drug. Which was these two were twins and not brothers as has been previously mentioned. They built the city of Rome on a number of geographical...

BUZZ

NP: Geraldine Jones, you have challenged, why?

GERALDINE JONES: Deviation, he said they built it and in fact only Romulus built it.

NP: That is perfectly correct, it was only Romulus who built Rome.

CF: I did mean...

NP: You did say...

CF: By they I meant Romulusí work force.

NP: Youíll notice that Clement Freud has a very clever way of trying to get out of it! I agree with Geraldineís challenge, she gets a point and there are five seconds left for Romulus and Remus, Geraldine, starting now.

GJ: My friend has two sons, and she has called one of them Romulus, and one Remus. They both live...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged you, why?

KW: Deviation! This is about Romulus! Not about her friends and their sons!

NP: Kenneth you see itís perfectly...

KW: Sheís dragging in a lot of private reminiscing!

NP: Kenneth I think youíre being very clever, just getting in before the whistle goes at 60 seconds! Because the subject is Romulus and Remus and it is perfectly possible that someone could christen their two sons Romulus and Remus. So Geraldine has another point and she has half a second left for Romulus and Remus starting now.

GJ: Theyíre both absolutely...

WHISTLE

NP: That whistle tells us that 60 seconds is up. And whoever is speaking at that particular moment gets another point. In this case it was Geraldine Jones so she has a commanding lead at the end of that round. Clement Freud will you begin the next round? The subject is famous last words, 60 seconds on that starting now.

CF: Perhaps the most famous last words are "this is the first time Iíve ever played Russian Roulette!" Those are... But during the war there were a number of occasions when people looked into the sky and said "is that really a bomb?" or "I had no idea this gun was loaded" which must make some sense. My favourite last words were written on the tombstone of a head waiter were "God finally caught his eye"! Which seems to me to express very well the job...

BUZZ

NP: Geraldine Jones youíve challenged.

GJ: Hesitation.

NP: Hesitation and well you might hesitate after that last remark in this game! So Geraldine I agree with the challenge and you take a point and the subject, 23 seconds left, famous last words starting now.

GJ: The thing about famous last words is that usually theyíre invented after someone great has died by someone else. As for example the best, which is "I was in the right to, as you end up in the middle of a...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo why have you challenged?

DN: Hesitation.

NP: Yes it was, it was, yes, only just.

DN: Yes, I thought so.

NP: It was hesitation. Derek you gain a point and take over the subject, seven seconds for famous last words starting now.

DN: My Aunty Mabel as she lay on her death bed said "goodbye to all of you, Iím so sorry to leave every one of my dear friends here...

WHISTLE

NP: Well at the end of that round Geraldine still has a lead of two over all the others. Geraldine will you begin the next round for us. The subject is my opinion. Can you tell us in gay extravagant terms all about your opinion in 60 seconds starting now.

GJ: This is without doubt the nicest subject Iíve ever had. Because whatever I do I canít be buzzed for deviation because everything Iím going to say is my opinion! Ian Messiterís orange shirt suits his complexion far better than his purple one! Every single week Kenneth Williams eclipses us all! I think Paradise Lost is the most awful poem in the English language! When you sit opposite people in trains I wish theyíd smile at you automatically and not leave you staring like a stuffed duck! Itís absolutely appalling that we have to spend so much time reading boring newspapers and I should be very happy if I never heard anything at all of what is going on in the world as a whole! I think that this theatre is particularly ugly although I like the way itís filled with nice smiling people who laugh...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo why have you challenged?

DN: Deviation, ah, repetition of smiling.

NP: Utterly ungallant! We were loving every minute of it! Geraldine gets another point and there are 20 seconds left for my opinion, Geraldine, starting now.

GJ: I like to eat and I love doing absolutely nothing at all! I think itís a great pity that people feel the need to do things and canít just sit looking idly into space, not even bothering their heads with boring things like how much...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo youíve challenged.

DN: Repetition of boring.

NP: Yes you did say boring once before Geraldine. So there we are Derek gets a point and takes over the subject with eight seconds left for my opinion starting now.

DN: My opinion is thereís nothing nicer in the whole wide world than to go to San Francisco on a Tuesday morning in Lent. And there to stand on a bridge and look...

WHISTLE

NP: As Derek Nimmo rather cleverly got in again just before the whistle went, he gains that extra point. And so we come back to you Kenneth. Will you speak on hesitation for 60 seconds starting now.

KW: (Slowly, drawing out the long words) This usually occurs when there is difficulty on the part of the speaker in finding the right word for the particular situation. Or it would be caused by the machinery of the brain lacking synchronisation with the process of articulation. He who hesitates, Shakespeare says, is lost! Arnold says we falter on the threshold of this life! Now both indicate therefore that a positive action is the only one of which you will find a universal kind of approval, in the shape...

BUZZ

KW: Whatís the matter?

NP: Derek Nimmo has managed to challenge you, why?

DN: Could we have an interpreter?

NP: I think...

KW: Heís got all his fans out front, itís quite obvious!

NP: I think...

KW: He brings Ďem with him!

NP: Yes! I think thatís horrid of you Derek! You... as long as you keep going you can change your voice as often as you like as Kennethís demonstrated more than once before!

KW: It wasnít that! He said he needed an interpreter as though what I was saying was inexplicable!

NP: Yes! I absolutely... I understood every single word!

KW: Of course!

NP: And I loved it all Kenneth!

KW: Nice, wasnít it!

NP: Lovely! Absolutely! And there are eight seconds left, no, seven seconds left for you to continue on hesitation starting now.

KW: This is not only verbal! There can be a physical hesitation, a tentative quality...

WHISTLE

NP: Kenneth deserves that round of applause because he not only started with the subject, he also finished with it. And sometimes I think, having been on the panel once, itís more difficult to start again after youíve been interrupted than to go for...

KW: That is true! That is true! You lose your intellectual flow!

NP: Yes!

KW: Yes! And Iíve lost her once or twice before!

NP: But the thing is Kenneth, you have so many flows you can pick them all up...

KW: Well that is sweet of you to say so! Lovely chairman! Very nice fellow!

NP: There we are! So Clement itís your turn to begin the next round and we carry on with this idea, repetition. So can you talk for Just A Minute on repetition starting now.

CF: Repetition means repeating what youíve already said. Speaking again the sentence which you have previously uttered. Or saying once more something which has already come from your mouth. Yet another time you might well...

BUZZ

NP: Geraldine you challenged.

GJ: Hesitation.

NP: Hesitation yes he was so keen on his repetition he fumbled on hesitation. But I thought that was a wonderful dissertation, saying the same thing in three or four different ways! Marvellous! Geraldine you take a point and there are 41 seconds for repetition starting now.

GJ: Although repetition is on this particular game taboo, it can be terribly useful. Because by dint of it you can learn things. Whoíd ever have learnt to count if it hadnít been for the number of times theyíd actually spent in going over their tables. Or even learning the alphabet. I have gone over my alphabet millions of times...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud youíve challenged.

CF: Two alphabets, repeat.

NP: Yes yes and also going over. So Clement you get another point and you have 23 seconds left for repetition starting now.

CF: It is generally thought that if you eat a lot of dried beans or other matter of vegetable substance, you regurgitate or belch which is known as repeating in polite circles...

BUZZ

NP: Ah Kenneth Williams why have you challenged?

KW: Deviation! I mean this is just a lot of vulgarity! Are we descending into the realms of vulgarity?

NP: Yes! We are arenít we! Because you see he hasnít actually deviated from the subject of repetition...

KW: Well if thatís the tone you want your game, I mean...

NP: No, itís Clement Freud whoís setting the tone! I have nothing to do with that! Heís talking! But from your challenge, he gains another point...

KW: Oh I wish Iíd never done it!

NP: There are eight seconds left for repetition starting now.

CF: There are many that feel that such sounds emanating from a human throat are vulgar and devious. But it is an involuntary thing. No-one...

WHISTLE

NP: And once again somebody started with a subject and in spite of interruptions finished with it, Clement Freud, who now is equal in the lead with Derek Nimmo at the end of that round. Derek Nimmo, weíre now on to deviation. And youíve all done so well on the subjects which this game is concerned with. Can you speak about that for 60 seconds starting now.

DN: (Impersonating Kenneth Williamsí drawn-out voice) Deviation is the last main article that we can be challenged for in this game. And I would like to say that I think (going to Kennethís fast speed high pitched voice) it is very difficult indeed to do this. (slow voice) But you have to apply yourself very carefully, as Shakespeare did not say. He who deviates is lost, when writing to Mr WH Auden. (Normal voice) Itís a very good thing he didnít say that actually because it would have been very devious if he had when you coem to think about it really...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud why have you challenged?

CF: Deviation from his former accent!

NP: Yes well that was true, but he hasnít deviated from the subject on the card, has he? So heís still on deviation and there are 26 seconds left for the subject Derek starting now.

DN: It is sometimes of course taken in the sexual sense which is really rather unpleasant. Because what we do not want on this programme is rudery of any kind! Itís been shown so many times by the people opposite...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams why have you challenged?

KW: This is very positive indeed, itís nothing to do with deviation!

NP: What did you say?

KW: What heís doing now is advocating an absolutely positive policy. It is nothing to do with deviation.

DN: I am deviating from the subject, so therefore it is deviation! You canít challenge me!

NP: Derek you have helped me out of a dilemna! By admitting you deviated from the subject, Kenneth Williams gets a point...

KW: Thank you!

NP: ... and he takes over the subject...

KW: Thank you!

NP: ... with 15 seconds left for deviation starting now.

KW: I know nothing about this subject! I really feel...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo why have you challenged?

DN: Out of his own lips he is condemned!

NP: Yes!

DN: Deviation!

NP: But he could still know nothing about it and manage to speak for 60 seconds or less on it! So he gets another point and there are 11 seconds left in this case for deviation Kenneth starting now.

KW: To stray, so to speak, from the straight and narrow. Something I never do...

WHISTLE

NP: So...

KW: I must have gone into the lead there Nick, eh? Iíve gone into the lead!

NP: Youíve gone into a very commanding third place!

KW: Oh dear!

NP: Alongside Geraldine Jones and you are only just behind Clement Freud who is two points behind Derek Nimmo whoís still in the lead. Geraldine will you begin the next round for us, Auld Lang Syne. Can you talk about Auld Lang Syne for 60 seconds starting now.

GJ: I believe that Auld Lang Syne is Scottish. It certainly doesnít recognisably be English. And I can never really understand why itís necessary to hold hands crossways. I think itís very nice to hold them...

BUZZ

NP: Oh Derek Nimmo you challenged.

DN: Hesitation really.

NP: Derek youíre right, you have a point, 47 seconds for Auld Lang Syne starting now.

DN: What is more lovely in Edinburgh on New Yearís Eve than to stand in the great circle with your closest friends around you and sing "let auld acquaintance be forgot for the sake of Auld Lang Syne" which of course means old time things. Terribly charming...

BUZZ

NP: Geraldine why have you challenged?

GJ: Deviation, the first line isnít let auld acquaintance be forgot!

KW: No it isnít!

GJ: Lest auld...

NP: Yes! Yes but you wouldnít sing that in Edinburgh Iím sure! So Geraldine gets...

DN: I would!

NP: You might but the others wouldnít! They would be the predominant ones! So 32 seconds for you Geraldine on Auld Lang Syne starting now.

GJ: The fact that the only way the English can indulge their nostalgia is by pinching a Scottish song indicated to me that the English are rather...

BUZZ

NP: Derek why have you challenged?

DN: Repetition of English.

NP: Whatís that? Oh yes there was a couple of Englishs wasnít there?

DN: And one in the previous...

NP: So 27 seconds for you Derek on Auld Lang Syne starting now.

DN: What I really like is when you all run into the middle and bump in the centre. I think thatís terribly nice. You all get...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth why have you challenged?

KW: Deviation, heís discussing physical gymnastics, not Auld Lang Syne.

DN: Havenít you done it?

NP: Well the thing is Kenneth when you do Auld Lang Syne you often do run into the middle and bump into each other. All right...

KW: But I want to talk! And I wonít get in if I donít challenge!

NP: You had a very good go on, on hesitation, and went completely through on your own with one interruption, and on deviation.

KW: Well...

NP: But you get a bonus point for cleverness...

KW: Oh thatís nice!

NP: Lovely! So 23 seconds left for Derek with you on Auld Lang Syne starting now.

DN: I once went to Trinidad. When I got there, there was a little jelly baby on the key...

BUZZ

NP: Clement why have you challenged?

CF: Deviation, itís got nothing to do with Auld Lang Syne.

NP: I canít see what itís got to do with Auld Lang Syne.

KW: Jelly babies on the key!

NP: Yes! All right I gave Clement a chance to justify, can you, very rapidly?

DN: Yes of course I can! It happened to be New Yearís Eve at the time and I took the jelly babies with me to my New Yearís Eve party! Thereís nothing wrong with that!

NP: Oh no you...

DN: Why do you think I started on the subject?

NP: Youíre far too late! You qualified it far too late! Clement Freud has a point, 15 and a half seconds left Clement for Auld Lang Syne starting now.

CF: This is a Scottish national song which I like to sing in C sharp minor. And there is a long play record of me performing this very feat in the Kelvurn Grove Hall to the left of Shettleston in the city of Glasgow in Scotland...

WHISTLE

NP: It depends which way youíre looking, it could be to the right of Shettleston.

CF: I was drunk!

NP: So anyway as you were speaking Clement when the whistle went, you gain an extra point but youíre still two points behind Derek Nimmo who is still in the lead. Clement will you begin the next round, the subject is gags. Can you talk about gags for 60 seconds starting now.

CF: Who was that lady I saw you with last night? That wasnít... it was...

BUZZ

NP: He canít remember the oldest gag in the business!

CF: I couldnít repeat lady!

DN: He canít repeat it!

NP: Oh of course. So Kenneth you challenged?

KW: Well I challenged on hesitation.

NP: Oh yes indeed, youíre absolutely right, yes! And you take over the subject of gags (goes off into gibberish) So there are rather 47 seconds left for gags Kenneth starting now.

KW: These can of course refer to obstructions which are placed deliberately into peopleís mouths. Or it can refer to a kind...

BUZZ

NP: Geraldine why have you challenged?

GJ: Repetition of refer.

NP: Yes he did say...

KW: Sheís very sharp, isnít she? Mmmmm!

NP: And now there are 40 seconds left for gags Geraldine with you starting now.

GJ: Gags is a wonderfully expressive word for a rather bad joke. Because the word itself has a sort of...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams youíve challenged.

KW: Deviation, itís never been, itís never been established that gags means a rather bad joke.

NP: No it can be a good joke...

KW: It can be extremely good! Mmmmm!

NP: So Kenneth you take over the subject with 34 seconds left, gags, starting now.

KW: The best one I ever heard was when this fellow came on and said "Iíve got a pound of meat at Covent Garden for only fourpence!" He said "Mutton?" He said "no itís rotten!" That always makes me laugh, it is a marvellous gag! But of course Geraldine Jones probably wouldnít agree with me! There you see she establishes that her humour is on a much higher plane...

BUZZ

NP: Geraldine why have you challenged?

GJ: Well deviation, much as I like being talked about, itís not relevant to gags!

NP: Well I think it is because youíve just been talking about gags. And itís arising out of what you said that Kennethís now going on about it! So Kenneth gets another point...

GJ: Can I get a point for cleverness? Because Iíve never had one!

NP: I can only afford to give you one because the score is so tight. Everyone is very very close at this moment. Kenneth, you... no but Kenneth also gets a point. Iíve just given one because she asked for it and sheís never asked before. She gets an extra bonus point and she can have it with everybodyís love...

CF: Could we, could we have a point?

NP: No you canít, you get too many! Youíve had too many!

CF: Ohhhhhhh!

NP: What about you Derek? Yes all right, he doesnít, so there we are! Kenneth, 12 seconds left for gags starting now.

KW: I was once bound and gagged by some horrible bullies in the Army. I of course was a young stripling, pale and weak. I was not robust...

BUZZ

NP: Why have you challenged?

KW: What?

NP: Why have you challenged Clement?

KW: Iíve got all worked up now!

CF: Deviation.

NP: Why?

CF: They donít take pale young weak striplings in the Army!

KW: They took me! They took me! I was B2 in the Army! Iíve got the Elf slip to prove it! I was B2 in the Army!

NP: You were B2...

KW: B2 for blood, blood, it was my blood! I havenít got the corpuscles! No my corpuscles were all white...

NP: Kenneth you have all the blood rushing! Rushing in a minute...

KW: In case my phagocytes were rotten! Rotten!

NP: Well, calm your phagocytes, your blood and whatever else...

KW: Iíve got tired hormones Nick! They are very tired! Theyíre dragging round my ankles, love!

NP: Before you lay your medical history...

KW: What?

NP: I said before you lay your medical history bare before this audience and all the listeners as well...

KW: Do I win the challenge or does he win it?

NP: You donít win it, Iím awarding it to you!

KW: Oh thank you!

NP: Because I agree that you can be B2 and still be in the Army...

KW: Indeed!

NP: Yes!

KW: Indeed!

NP: So there we are, ah, two seconds for gags, no, one second for gags Kenneth starting now.

KW: Oh well, would that I had one in my pocket...

WHISTLE

NP: So Kennethís blood kept him in at the end. So he gets an extra point as well which means heís got quite a few points at the end of that round which puts him equal in second place with Clement and theyíre trailing only three points behind Derek.

KW: Oh is there a chance weíll catch up?

NP: Yes! You might win, itís still anybodyís game!

KW: Oooooooooooh!

NP: Derek itís your turn to begin the next round. The subject is anything. Can you talk about anything for Just A Minute starting now.

DN: Very kind of the chairman of this programme to ask me to talk about anything. All the rest of this programme, Iíve been having...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud why have you challenged?

CF: Repetition of programme!

DN: I know! I know!

NP: Yes the...

DN: Mean!

NP: Clementís got a point and heís got the subject, 52 seconds for anything starting now.

CF: Every summer weekend you may go into a park and watch cricket, which is performed between...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo why have you challenged?

DN: Iíve not the slightest idea! I really donít know! I didnít mean to challenge! It was a funny curious reflex action from my thumb, that made me got di-di-da like that!

CF: So I get a point!

DN: Iíve no idea! Give him a point!

NP: Well Iím afraid I have to...

DN: Thatís all right!

NP: Itís the pure tension of the situation!

DN: Iím so sorry, I didnít mean it!

NP: Clement gets another point, he creeps up a little, 46 seconds left for anything Clement starting now.

CF: My daughter has a poodle who is called Polly. And at one time has a dachshund who was known as Sooki. And these two animals in their lifetime had an astonishingly happy relationship. One day one of them was rushed...

BUZZ

NP: Geraldine why have you challenged?

GJ: Repetition of one! One day one...

NP: Yes one day! Iím afraid in this particular game theyíre all being very sharp and keen so I have to give it on small words like that. Geraldine you get a point and the subject, 21 seconds for anything starting now.

GJ: I have always lived on the assumption that anything is better than nothing. In other words if someone comes to me and says either you can have a pound of sweets or you can have nothing, then of course I will take the...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo youíve challenged.

DN: Repetition of nothing.

NP: Yes! Alas there was. So nothing gets you a point there Derek and the subject, anything, 11 seconds left starting now.

DN: I was walking over the mountain at Hellbellon and I saw an ice cream cornet balanced on a rock. I picked it up and licked it with my tongue. It was very sweet...

BUZZ

NP: Clement why have you challenged?

CF: I donít know!

KW: What do you mean you donít know!

CF: He said I four times which seemed, I mean if youíre...

NP: It seemed a very good...

CF: If youíre going to give it on one, you might as well give it on I!

NP: No, not on this particular case...

CF: No? Well letís give him another point!

NP: No, no, no, some of the audience might think...

CF: They like...

NP: You were being very clever...

CF: No I wasnít being clever at all!

NP: You knew there was only about two seconds to go because you saw Ian Messiter put his whistle in his mouth and you thought youíd try and get in somehow or other. And Iím afraid Iím not going to allow it on I. So Derek Nimmo gets that point which wonít make any difference to the final result and he has two seconds left starting now.

DN: And heís a lovely whistler Ian Messiter!

WHISTLE

NP: So well tried everybody in the last round but the final result was as it was at the end of the previous round. Geraldine Jones is in fourth place, only one point behind Kenneth Williams. Kenneth was in third place two points behind Clement Freud, and Clement was four points behind this weekís winner Derek Nimmo. I think it was touch and go right up till the end. That, Iím afraid is all we have time for. Itís the end of this particular edition of Just A Minute, and from all of us here, goodbye!

THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: The chairman of Just A Minute was Nicholas Parsons, the programme was devised by Ian Messiter and produced by Simon Brett.