ANNOUNCER: We present Kenneth Williams, Derek Nimmo, Clement Freud and Geraldine Jones in Just A Minute. And as the Minute Waltz fades away here to tell you about it is your chairman Nicholas Parsons.

NICHOLAS PARSONS: Thank you very much and welcome once again to Just A Minute. And as you've just heard four superb players of the game about to do battle once more in this verbal battle of wits and try and speak for Just A Minute on some unlikely subjects I will give them without hesitation, without repetition and without deviation. And they will score points or otherwise as the game progresses, and you will see how this works. Let us begin this particular game with Geraldine Jones. Geraldine, how to get a seat in a crowded train. That is the subject, will you try and speak for Just A Minute starting now.

GERALDINE JONES: As all audiences of this programme will know, chivalry is dead. So it is no longer possible to get a seat in a crowded train simply by getting on and looking beautiful and fluttering your eyelids. Everyone remains stolidly in their seats. The only way really to succeed is to do something spectacular. You have to faint, you have to come in hiding one leg under your coat so they'll think you only have one leg. Then perhaps people will get up. It's no use either having a lot of baggage because people are so distracted looking after your baggage that they don't think that you want a seat yourself...


NP: Derek Nimmo why did you challenge?

DEREK NIMMO: Repetition, too much baggage.

NP: There was a twice repetition of baggage. Which means that Derek Nimmo as his challenge was justified gains a point. He also takes the subject, he has 30 seconds for how to get a seat in a crowded train starting now.

DN: As all listeners to this programme know, the best way of getting a seat in a railway carriage or in a crowded train is to get on and look beautiful and flutter your eyelids. The worst way is to get on and pretend that you're maimed and have only one leg. I always get on a train and flutter away! And you'll be surprised what happens. Immediately people leap up and leave their...


NP: Kenneth Williams.

KENNETH WILLIAMS: Repetition, we had two flutters.

NP: You're quite right, we did. You challenged a bit late on it, it was a long time ago.

KW: I only just realised!

NP: Yes I know! Well better late than never anyway Kenneth. Because your challenge was justified you gain a point and you have seven seconds for the subject, how to get a seat in a crowded train starting now.

KW: The way to get a seat on a crowded train is of course quite obvious to anyone with brains. Book it in advance! I always do!


NP: Well as Kenneth Williams was speaking as the whistle went which tells us that 60 seconds are up, he gains another point. And this means that on this particular occasion at the end of this first round we have an unusual situation, Kenneth Williams is in a commanding lead! He has two more points than Clement Freud or Geraldine Jones who have yet to score. Kenneth Williams will you begin the second round for us. The things people try to get me to do. Plenty of thought for that one Kenneth, 60 seconds will do to talk about it starting now.

KW: Well they once said to me in Singapore "why don't you get up and go on the stage and do a turn?" And I said "what would I do?" And they said "well do your impersonations, you're good with them". So I got up and did Suzette Tari. And I said (in Suzette Tari voice) "oh hello, I've come ashore in my bush act." (normal voice) And they said "are you one of Wingate's girls?" and I said "No, I'm one of Colgate's girls!" And it was a disaster! And they said "get off, you're dreadful!" So I got off and that made a most inauspicious beginning to the (starts to laugh) time that I...


NP: Derek Nimmo you challenged.

DN: Hesitation, he was sort of giving up.

NP: More than giving up, he was rather running down. The act had come to a rather sudden ending. Seventeen seconds for things people try to get me to do Derek Nimmo starting now.

DN: People often... ask me to recite...


NP: Clement Freud, your... you challenged.

CLEMENT FREUD: Hesitation.

NP: Hesitation indeed, there are 15 seconds for the subject Kenneth... Clement Freud, starting now.

CF: Dancing is one of the things most people try to get me to do. "Come over here," they say, placing their left hand behind my shoulder blades, push forward to the right...


NP: Derek Nimmo why have you challenged.

DN: Hesitation.

NP: Well tried Derek Nimmo, completely unjustified! Clement Freud...

DN: It wasn't!

NP: ...because your challenge was incorrect gains another point and he keeps the subject and there are five seconds for him to continue starting now.

CF: Left, right, slow, quick, slow, and often...


NP: Derek Nimmo why have you challenged?

DN: Repetition.

NP: Of slow quick slow, yes. There we are... is that right? Is that why you challenged?

DN: Yes it is.

NP: Oh that's right, yes...

CF: Too slows?

NP: Two slows is repetitious, yes.

KW: Oh dreadful! Terrible isn't it!

NP: Two seconds for you Derek Nimmo, the things people try to get me to do starting now.

DN: They ask me to recite nursery rhymes.


NP: Well as Derek was speaking as the whistle went he gains another point which gives him just a small lead over Kenneth Williams who's still in second place, Clement Freud third and Geraldine Jones fourth. Derek Nimmo your turn to begin, odd letters I have received. That is the subject, will you start talking now.

DN: I once got a letter from a gemtleman in Birmingham asking to wash my clothes for me. And he said he'd package them and send them back by return post. I didn't reply. I did also get a rather odd letter the other day from a clergyman wanting to know why it was that, he was a Baptist Minister in fact actually, why on the television...


NP: Clement Freud.

CF: Hesitation.

NP: Hesitation, Clement you take the subject with 43, two seconds, odd letters I have received starting now.

CF: The first, third, fifth and seventh letters that I received this morning could in every sense of the word be called odd. What was particularly strange about this mail was that instead of starting Dear Clement Freud, they said Sir Or Madam, unless, which is not...


NP: Derek Nimmo why have you challenged?

DN: Hesitation.

NP: Hesitation. Derek the subject is back with you with 20, 19 seconds starting now.

DN: The first letter I got this morning was a most curious... epistle. I looked at it, I read...


NP: Kenneth Williams why did you...

KW: Hesitation.

NP: Hesitation, Kenneth. The subject is now with you...

DN: Oh really! I've got a stutter! I have an affliction! It's very rude to make fun of it! I just have to go, a-ha-ha all the time. And I can't help it! It's very rude!

KW: You should see someone about it!

NP: Well you've seen it on this occasion Kenneth. You have gained yourself a point with it. Eighteen seconds for odd letters I have received starting now.

KW: Well one of the oddest was from a woman who said "I know who you really are and I know you did my operation!" She said "I'm going to get you." She said "you've changed your identity but I'm going to be round there at the stage door and I'm going to get you..."


NP: Geraldine Jones you challenged.

GJ: Repetition of getting some...

NP: Yes, he was going to be got more than once, wasn't he? So Geraldine you have a point and you have the subject and two seconds starting now.

GJ: One odd letter I got asked me to...


NP: So Kenneth Williams has leaped back into the lead again. Clement Freud your turn to begin, betting slips, that's the subject. Sixty seconds starting now.

CF: A betting slip is a piece of paper that you make out giving the name of a horse and the amount of your investment. If you go into a shop and order to have what is called a punt, you put...


NP: Derek Nimmo why have you challenged?

DN: Hesitation.

NP: I don't think so, no, no, no. Forty-nine seconds for betting slips, Clement Freud, starting now.

CF: You put the amount of money to win in one column and the amount you wish to invest on a place in another. And the name of the horse involved, the time of the race, the place of the meeting, and your name or pseudonym at the bottom. And you pass it through a window at a counter and say "here is my betting slip, pray give me a receipt for it". And these slips are then punched by a machine and formed into a pile where the bookmaker puts them before assessing the amount you have won or lost in order that you might make his returns to the Government (starts to laugh)...


NP: Derek Nimmo you challenged, why?

DN: Hesitation.

NP: Hesitation. I must point out to listeners it was hardly unfair, they were all trying to stare him out, to force him into an error. The error occurred. Derek Nimmo pressed his buzzer first, so he has 14 seconds to take up the subject of betting slips starting now.

DN: When I went to the last race meeting, on the board there were used betting slips. As I went towards them, the most extraordinary thing happened! You'll never believe it actually! They suddenly fell...


NP: Clement Freud challenged, why did you challenge?

CF: Hesitation.

NP: Oh I think he was in full flow! No, no, no, there's one second for betting slips, Derek Nimmo, starting now.

DN: Little Greengate...


NP: As you see I have a very difficult task sometimes. I will say the challenges I think were very borderline but I gave the benefit of the doubt to Derek. So Derek Nimmo has a definite lead over Kenneth Williams and Clement Freud who's now equal with Kenneth. And Geraldine is trailing a little. But Geraldine it's your turn to begin, the subject is the tonic solfa. Would you speak on this for Just A Minute starting now.

GJ: As I'm not at all given to sadism I shan't sing the tonic solfa to the audience because it would such be an unpleasant experience for anyone who's not absolutely tone deaf. Instead I shall recite it. Do-ray-me-fa-so-la-te...


NP: Clement Freud why did you challenge?

CF: A repetition.

NP: Of what?

CF: Do was going to come up again!

DN: That's premonition, not repetition!

NP: Yes very clever. The thing is you obviously wanted to get in before anybody else! Look, the only fair thing is I'll put it to the audience...

CF: No, no, no, I concede.

NP: You concede?

CF: Yes.

NP: You concede, well that's...

CF: I mistimed my challenge!

NP: You mistimed your challenge, well that's very fair of you. Geraldine Jones has another point and she has the tonic solfa still, 45 seconds left starting now.

GJ: Te followed by the first syllable of the scale. Those people who can't actually see me won't realise how agonised it was... how agonising...


NP: Derek Nimmo you challenged.

DN: Hesitation.

NP: Hesitation, there are 40, no 37 seconds for the tonic solfa starting now.

DN: It was green and leather backed. And rather beautifully buttoned. It stood on four wooden legs...


NP: Kenneth Williams why have you...

KW: That's deviation, it's not the sofa, it's the solfa!

DN: That's what I was doing actually, really.

NP: Can you justify very rapidly, Derek?

DN: Well very...

KW: Can you justify it?

NP: No he can't...

DN: I used to lie on it and sing my scales!

KW: Oh!

NP: Oh he did! You never said you did though.

KW: Oh brilliant!

NP: Yes. But Kenneth Williams I've given you a point and you have the subject of the tonic solfa with 31 seconds starting now.

KW: The only time my attention was really ever drawn to it was this woman who said she'd teach me the piano...


KW: I haven't hesitated!

NP: Yes Clement... Clement Freud has once again withdrawn his challenge. But...

KW: Oh! In the middle of it, I was!

NP: If you can pick up... Kenneth, without taking too much umbrage, if you can pick up in the middle there are 25 seconds left for the tonic solfa starting now.

KW: She said to me "if you get it in your head, you'll easily be able to play." But the unfortunate thing was she had this terrible bad breath, and every time she leant towards me I kept edging away. So I never really learnt the fingering...


NP: Clement Freud why have you challenged?

CF: Deviation.

NP: Yes I do, I don't think this lady's unfortunate breath is anything...

KW: It was the tonic solfa I did. I'm learning it, aren't I?

NP: Clement Freud definitely has a point on this occasion. Twelve seconds for the tonic solfa Clement Freud starting now.

CF: When I went to this health resort they said...


NP: Derek Nimmo why have you challenged?

DN: Talked about health resorts, not the tonic solfa.

NP: Can you justify it rapidly?

CF: Yes.

NP: How? Quickly.

CF: Sulphur is tremendously tonic making.

NP: No this is solfa, not sulphur. Derek Nimmo... and there are nine seconds for the subject Derek starting now.

DN: (very slowly) Do-ray-me-fa...


NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Hesitation.

NP: Indeed! Six seconds for you Clement Freud with the tonic solfa starting now.

CF: This is a musical scale about which I don't know a great deal other than what...


NP: Ah Clement Freud... Kenneth Williams why did you challenge?

KW: Well if he doesn't know anything about it, why did he chip in and get it?

NP: So why have you challenged?

KW: Deviation.

NP: All right, I'll give it to you.

KW: Mmmmmm!

NP: So you have another point Kenneth and you have three seconds for the tonic solfa starting now.

KW: The tonic solfa illustrates the octave that I have...


NP: So Kenneth Williams gets another point for finishing when the whistle...

KW: Have I leapt into the lead! Yes!

NP: You have leapt back into second place again! And you're going to start this next round, quite apt with the way you've been going on, castles in the air. That's the subject Kenneth, 60 seconds starting now.

KW: Castles in the air, I presume, would refer to things which are illusory. That is to say one would never actually see one floating in the air. I don't particularly want to see one floating in the air.


NP: Clement Freud why have you challenged?

CF: Repetition.

NP: Of floating in the air, yes. Alas! So there we are. Clement has another point, he has 45 seconds for castles in the air starting now.

CF: This is something which is a name given to (starts to laugh)


NP: Geraldine Jones you've challenged, why?

GJ: Hesitation.

NP: Hesitation yes. I think Kenneth Williams helped you a little there! Because he... I must explain to the listeners how he helped. He actually tickled Clement Freud! And those who've heard previous editions of the game will know there's something very definitely going on between these two. I'll go no further, we'll pass on to Geraldine Jones with 40 seconds for castles in the air starting now.

GJ: Kenneth Williams is clearly one of those people who walks with his eyes on the ground. Because if he ever looked in the air...


NP: Derek Nimmo why have you challenged?

DN: Deviation! She's just being rude to Kenneth Williams!

KW: Thank you!

NP: Rudeness is not a reason for which you can challenge. So Geraldine...

KW: But there's no need for filth!

NP: ...has another point and she has 25 seconds for the subject starting now.

GJ: If he ever lifted them up he would see hundreds and hundreds of castles (pronounced to rhyme with hassles) in the air. They're all...


NP: Kenneth Williams why have you challenged?

KW: Deviation it's not castles (pronounced to rhyme with hassles), it's castles (pronounced car-sills). She's doing this all the time! She said it's sar-dism, everyone knows it's say-dism.

NP: Geraldine, Geraldine where, where were you born?

GJ: (in Liverpool accent) Born in Liverpool!

NP: She's born in Liverpool, she can say cassles if she wants to. So Geraldine has another point, she has 31 seconds for cassles or carsills in the air starting now.

GJ: Looking up at them you imagine that they're tremendously spacious and luxurious to live in...


NP: Kenneth Williams why have you challenged?

KW: Deviation, how can you possibly look up if they don't exist?

NP: Well if they're castles in the air Kenneth they could be anywhere! So Geraldine has another point and she has 24 seconds...

KW: He's a lousy chairman, innee?

NP: ...you start now.

GJ: They're made of course out of clouds. And this means that although they look nice to live in, in fact they're perfectly horrible because they're very very damp. Far more damp even...


NP: Kenneth Williams.

KW: Repetition, very very!

NP: And damp! And damp!

KW: That's right!

NP: All right Kenneth, the point is with you this time for the very very and with 15 seconds for castles in the air you begin now.

KW: They are of course illusions, and while we all cherish illusions a very great man once said...


NP: Clement Freud why did you challenge?

CF: Too many illusions. We've already had them, now we've got them again.

NP: Yes...

KW: You are allowed to do that while you're discussing it...

NP: No you can only use the word, any word once. So Clement Freud has a well deserved point and there are 12 seconds for you on castles in the air starting now.

CF: High up in the air you find some of the very best castles. There's one in Canlarden and this is...


NP: Kenneth Williams why have you...

KW: Deviation, castles in the air is nothing to do with the...

NP: With a real castle, a castle in the air is a fictitious one, I quite agree Kenneth.

KW: Quite!

NP: You have a point, you have three seconds for the subject beginning now.


NP: Clement Freud...

KW: I hadn't started! Innit it marvellous?

NP: Hesitation yes. Clement Freud you have the subject back, there are two seconds left...

KW: Oh!

NP: ...for castles in the air starting now.

CF: Looking up one sees these...


NP: Showing the flag, Derek Nimmo, that's the subject for you to talk about and we'd like you to start now.

DN: I often walk down the Strand with a Union Jack in my right-hand pocket. And as people approach me I say "come here a moment, young man, would you like to have a look at my flag?" And I bring it out and I show it to them. And they're always terribly intrigued by this, I don't know why really! They think it's a very funny thing to do. I have been to doctors about it actually. And they say "why do you go around everywhere showing your flag?" And I say I just enjoy it. I must tell you another very funny thing, I must tell you this. One of the nicest flags you can possibly buy is the Turkish flag. It has a lovely...


NP: Clement Freud why...

CF: Flag.

NP: Yes repetition of flag. Showing the flag Clement, 27 seconds starting now.

CF: Showing the flag is something which could be called indecent exposure. And there are many people...


NP: Kenneth...

KW: There's no need for filth! Indecent exposure! I've not come on this programme to listen to a load of filth! Indecent exposure indeed!

NP: So why do you challenge?

KW: Deviation, he should be showing the flag!

NP: All right, all right.

KW: There's no indecency! There's nothing indecent about showing the flag!

NP: You more than made your point, we're all with you! Aren't you, audience, with Kenneth?


NP: So you have a well earned point and you have 23 seconds for showing the flag...

KW: Showing the flag...

NP: And you start now.

KW: Well...


NP: Derek Nimmo.

KW: I haven't started!

DN: Hesitation.

NP: That's not fair! He showed the flag too rapidly, he was too keen. I'm going to start again. Twenty-three seconds for showing the flag starting now.

KW: It means of course a display of force. In other words you reinforce your policy. If you said before "we are not going to have this" you show the flag and you know...


NP: Derek Nimmo why have you challenged?

DN: Too many flags.

NP: No no the subject is showing the flag so you can repeat that, so he has another point...

DN: I wasn't allowed to do it!

KW: I haven't even said flag twice!

NP: No you said flag but out of the context of showing the flag. And that's why it was against you. This time he said actually showing the flag. Kenneth Williams we're still with you, 11 seconds starting now.

KW: No you show the flag, and you send your gunboats you see! And they knew where they were when they saw the gunboats, I'm afraid...


NP: Derek Nimmo why did you challenge?

DN: It's not really, it's not this gunboat diplomacy, that's got nothing to do with showing the flag.

NP: Showing the flag, gunboat...

DN: It's got nothing to do with it!

NP: Derek Nimmo, gunboats are definitely showing the flag. You could have had him for repetition of gunboats because he said it twice. But it wasn't and it's still with Kenneth Williams, there are seven seconds Kenneth for you, showing the flag starting now.

KW: Showing the flag can of course mean people going up mountains...


NP: Derek Nimmo.

DN: He can't go on saying...

NP: He can't go on forever saying showing the flag.

KW: For goddness sake, you're allowed to! It's the subject!

NP: Not forever though!

KW: Oh I'm...

NP: This time I'm with you Derek Nimmo, you have five seconds for showing the flag starting now.

DN: We steamed into Monte Carlo all in our lovely white drill. It was a most inspiring sight, everyone said "hello!"


NP: It's still a fascinating state of play. Kenneth Williams and Derek Nimmo are equal still in the lead. Clement Freud is trailing by two, Geraldine Jones is trailing by about six. And we press on to the next round and the ball's in your court this time Geraldine Jones. Okay Geraldine over to you now with what to do with spare time starting now.

GJ: It's almost impossible to say what one should do with spare time because normally one doesn't realise one has it until it's all over. And then you think, ah, what I should have done, and it's all horribly nostalgic and retrospective and really rather sad. I always like to do nothing with my spare time. It's really quite an art to cultivate...


NP: Derek Nimmo why have you challenged?

DN: Deviation.

NP: Why?

DN: Because you've got what to do with. If you're doing nothing, you're not doing anything!

NP: That's a clever challenge Derek I'll give it to you. Forty-three seconds for what to do with spare time starting now.

DN: Well I generally say to myself little things like once upon a time I saw a fairy standing on a haystack, what a lovely fairy it was. And then I saw two gnomes coming down through the green trees. And then a little elf peeping out of the green bush. And then I saw an earwig crawling towards me. It looked like a little earwig, it was...


NP: Kenneth Williams why have you challenged?

KW: Deviation, this isn't spare time, he's got a whole cast there!

NP: I think it's utterly devious, I don't know what it's got to do with...

DN: It's what I do with my spare time! I recite these little things. It's rather nice.

NP: No, no, no, Kenneth Williams has another point. Twenty-one seconds for you Kenneth Williams for what to do with spare time starting now.

KW: You should do something profitable with your spare time and by that I mean profitable of course...


NP: Kenneth... Clement Freud why have you challenged?

CF: Repetition.

NP: Of profitable.

CF: Yes.

NP: Sixteen seconds, what to do with spare time Clement starting now.

CF: An ideal thing to do is to sleep for at least half of the period, and gainfully...


NP: Derek Nimmo.

DN: Hesitation.

NP: Hesitation yes Derek the subject's back with you starting now.

DN: I take a hammer in my right hand and take a nail in my left hand and I bang it...


NP: Clement Freud.

CF: Repetition of hands.

KW: Yes that's right.

NP: Yes.

DN: You've got to have two hands.

CF: You should have said so.

DN: What?

NP: You could have said the other hand. Oh no... Clement Freud has won a point, he has five seconds for what to do with spare time starting now.

CF: Chewing gum is one of the most gainful things you can do...


NP: Derek Nimmo why have you challenged?

DN: Repetition of one.

KW: That's true!

NP: The subject's with Derek Nimmo, what to do with spare time starting now.

DN: (sings) Whistle a little tune...


NP: Kenneth Williams your turn to begin, weddings is the subject. Will you talk to us on this delightful subject starting now.

KW: Weddings of course can be the joining together of two people. On the other hand it could mean the joining together of two people in material. It would not be inaccurate in referring to such an operation in that manner. But weddings are something I personally abhor. I don't like going to them because I mean if people decide to commit themselves to such a state you realise what fools they are being and you think oh hang on! Think again! Tied for life, you'll never get out of it! It means endless...


NP: Derek Nimmo.

DN: Repetition, too much thumping!

NP: A very clever challenge Derek. I don't think I can really give it because Clement Freud did stop Kenneth Williams from thumping on the table. So I think it's only fair to award no points and ask Kenneth Williams to continue if he can with 27 seconds for the subject of weddings starting now.

KW: Well of course you see, the idea is they join together for the rest of the natural...


NP: Geraldine Jones why have you challenged?

GJ: Repetition of joining together.

NP: Yes you said joining together before. Geraldine you have the subject, 24 seconds left starting now.

GJ: I have a rather jaundiced view of weddings because the only ones I've attended I have done so in the capacity of bridesmaid. And as everyone knows, as it is the bride's day she always tries to make the bridesmaid look as hideous as possible...


NP: Clement Freud.

CF: Repetition.

NP: Of what?

CF: Bridesmaid.

NP: That's right, yes. Seven, 13 seconds for weddings Clement Freud starting now.

CF: Will you take this woman in holy matrimony, to have and to hold in sickness and pain until death do us...


NP: Kenneth Williams.

KW: It should... deviation, it should be in sickness and in health.

NP: You're quite right. For someone who isn't married...

CF: I'm allowed, I'm allowed an explanation.

NP: Yes you are but I was just going to say for someone who isn't married Kenneth I thought that was jolly clever of you.

KW: Thank you very much!

NP: What is your explanation?

KW: I've rehearsed it a lot you see!

CF: It's something... it's something priests say by mistake.

NP: Oh! Yes! But what can I do now? You were challenged before you made your mistake, before you said that. I'm not going to...

CF: You didn't let me finish the sentence!

NP: No because we weren't to know that you were going to say that afterwards. So what you said was deviation, and Kenneth got in first. So he has another point and he has five seconds left for weddings starting now.

KW: Sometimes of course they have...


NP: Clement Freud why have you challenged?

CF: The second of course.

NP: But I don't think you can challenge him on exactly the same thing in the same game I'm sure. You haven't said of course before in this particular round Kenneth?

KW: No! Never!

NP: You haven't said it in this particular thing so you have another point Kenneth, you have three seconds for weddings starting now.

KW: Yes and you see they join them together for life...


NP: Right, so well there we are...

KW: Am I in the lead?

NP: Yes! Not only in the lead but I have received a message from our producer that our time is up...

KW: Oh!

NP: ...and I must wind up the show. But Kenneth I wouldn't worry about that because you are in a small lead. Let me tell you first of all that Geraldine Jones came fourth. Derek Nimmo and Clement Freud were equal second, and two points ahead of them was this week's winner Kenneth Williams!

KW: Oh lovely! Natural skill!


ANNOUNCER: The chairman of Just A Minute was Nicholas Parsons, the programme was devised by Ian Messiter and produced by David Hatch.