WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE!
starring KENNETH WILLIAMS, DEREK NIMMO, CLEMENT FREUD and GERALDINE JONES, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 18 February 1969)
ANNOUNCER: We present Kenneth Williams, Derek Nimmo, Clement Freud and Geraldine Jones in Just A Minute. And as the Minute Waltz fades away here to tell you about it is our chairman Nicholas Parsons.
NICHOLAS PARSONS: Thank you very much, hello and welcome once again to Just A Minute. And once more, just to remind you of the rules of the game, I'm going to give them some unlikely subjects and ask them to speak for Just A Minute if they can, on the subject, without hesitation, without deviation, without repetition. And if one of the other three think the other's guilty of this crime, they may press their buzzer. And if I uphold their challenge they not only will receive a point, they will also get the subject to speak on. And if I don't the person speaking will receive the point. This is the way we score, the rest of the game I hope will become obvious to you as we play it. So let us begin this particular game with Kenneth Williams. Fine, Kenneth?
KENNETH WILLIAMS: Yes! Good! Is it an easy subject?
NP: Well Kenneth here's a good subject for you to start with. Can you try and talk for Just A Minute on the best hour in the week starting now.
KW: The best hour in the week is the one when you can sit back and forget the cares of the world, and throw off the mundality, throw off the dross, and switch on your radio and listen to the magic, dulcet, beautiful tones of Kenneth Williams. What better relaxation can there be, to sit back and be transformed into a world of blissful forgetfulness. "Ah", I hear you say "would that I could bid this moment stay! Oh would that I could enter into this great beauty! You write me these lovely letters, I say no, no, do not thank me, it is enough..."
NP: Derek Nimmo has challenged you. I'm awfully sorry to interrupt the flow.
DEREK NIMMO: Repetition.
NP: Kenneth, ah, Derek why have you challenged?
DN: Repetition of no.
NP: Of no.
DN: No, no, no.
NP: Getting a little bit negative there. So you've, Derek...
KW: It's a shame that really! I was throbbing away there!
NP: Yes I know!
KW: I was ever so excited.
NP: We could feel it very... Derek Nimmo you have gained a point, you have um 18 seconds left for the best hour in the week and you start now.
DN: The best hour in the week is when one's able to turn off one's radio set and shut up the awful noise of Kenneth Williams' dulcet tones, carolling forth with their curiously and odd strains...
NP: Kenneth Williams.
KW: Hesitation. Curiously and then and odd, came very much later than that.
NP: You don't have to convince me, I quite agree yes. So I guess you have another point and you have six seconds left for the best hour in the week starting now.
KW: When you hear my voice, even a line like "she walked..."
NP: Derek Nimmo you've challenged, why?
DN: Repetition, we've heard his voice before!
NP: You undoubtedly have heard it to great effect but you didn't hear it in this particular sequence of Kenneth speaking. So it's still with Kenneth with another point and two seconds to go starting now.
KW: She walked...
NP: Clement Freud you challenged. Why?
CLEMENT FREUD: Hesitation.
KW: I hadn't even spoken..
NP: I know you haven't spoken yet Clement, but that's trying a bit too hard I think. Kenneth you have another point and you have one second left for the best hour in the week starting now.
KW: Let's pour it all out...
NP: Geraldine Jones you challenged. Why?
GERALDINE JONES: You haven't heard my voice yet.
NP: Well we've heard it now Geraldine. And I don't know whether to give Kenneth a point for just hearing Geraldine's voice or not. Shall I ladies and gentlemen?
CRIES OF "YES" FROM THE AUDIENCE
NP: They're your friends! All right Kenneth Williams you have half a second left for the best hour of the week starting now.
KW: So pour it all out....
KW: Who buzzed then?
NP: According to the rather involved rules of the game created by Ian Messiter, Kenneth Williams gets an extra point because he was speaking as the whistle went. So he now has five points and we go on to the next round which is Derek Nimmo. And Derek it's your turn to start speaking on what to take away for the weekend. He's just writing it down listeners. What to take away for the weekend starting now.
DN: Well it all depends which end is the weakest. With me it happens, my Achilles heel happens to be my nose. You may wonder why I call that my end. In fact one may almost call it a point. But if one turns one's face up very high towards the heavens then you will see that this is the extremity in my body. My nose has always been really rather weak since the moment that I was tripped up as a wolf cub by my senior sixer and I fell on the floor and broke my nose. This was a cause of great sadness to me, and a great protruberance grew where my old nose had been...
NP: Geraldine Jones you challenged, why?
GJ: He hasn't told us what he's going to take away with his nose yet. So deviation.
NP: I'm not sure..., um, it's what to take away for the weekend. So Geraldine Jones has 37 seconds starting now.
GJ: Personally I should prefer to be the thing that is taken away for the weekend. But if I have to go on my own, then I suppose I'd choose a fairly mundane things, ah, preferably people...
NP: Derek Nimmo you challenged.
DN: Hesitation, er.
NP: Yes. All right Derek Nimmo, you see, I try to be as fair as I can. So you got it back, you've got an extra point and you have 18 seconds for what to take away for the weekend starting now.
DN: Potato crisps, sausages, tomatoes, apples, sleeping bags, little tents, campfires, bags of paraffin, bottles of lemonade, beer, sherry, whisky, sasparella, dandelion and burdock. Horace Picklewick was a great friend of mine...
NP: Clement Freud you challenged just before the whistle, what was the challenge?
CF: Horace Picklewick is a human being and it was what, not whom to take away.
KW: Oh that's true! Yes absolutely true!
NP: A very clever challenge Clement, and I think it fully justifies a point. And you got in just before the whistle so you have a chnace to make another one because you have half a second for what to take away for the weekend starting now.
NP: So at the end of the second round Kenneth Williams still has his lead with five points, Clement Freud and Derek Nimmo both have two points and Geraldine Jones has one. And Geraldine it's your turn to begin, here is a subject that is very difficult for anybody, speaking to the income tax man. Can you try and talk for Just A Minute starting now.
GJ: I don't suppose really that speaking to the income tax man differs significantly from talking to any man. Even though his profession is rather an unpleasant one, the same rules apply. You first of all have to decide what sort of personality he has. You might...
NP: Clement Freud.
CF: They have no personality!
NP: As I'm sure that we all wish to keep on the right side of our income tax men, I will give you Clement a bonus point for a very clever challenge but keep the subject with Geraldine Jones who now has 45 seconds left for speaking to the income tax man starting now.
GJ: Contrary to what Clement Freud said, they do in fact have a very distinct personality. Ah often of course...
NP: Derek Nimmo.
DN: Ah often. Hesitation.
NP: Hesitation is correct, speaking with the income tax man Derek starting now.
DN: This is the one thing that I have never really managed to do. And if I did speak to him I should speak to him gently, quietly and persuasively. I should look at him with wide eyed innocence. I should hand him paper bags filled with bills which I had taken from one of Clement Freud's...
NP: Clement Freud why do you challenge?
CF: The subject... deviation, the subject is speaking, not what sort of paper bags you're going to give.
NP: Derek can you very very briefly justify your paper bag?
DN: Well I've got my script in a paper bag, you see.
CF: You got the script from me?
DN: So I need to look at the script to read it.
NP: Actually Derek you did say you were going to have a lot of bills stuck in your paper bag. So I think out of your own mouth you have convicted it yourself...
DN: You see, but that was friends of mine, Bill's you see.
NP: we can all be clever but there are certain rules I have to try and stick to. Clement Freud has the point and the subject with 17 seconds left for speaking with the income tax man starting now.
CF: "I say, I say, I say" one says to..
NP: Derek Nimmo.
NP: I say I say I say you're right, yes! And with an extra point Derek speaking to the income tax starting now.
DN: "How are you my dear fellow?" I would say. "How awfully nice to see you in such good health. How are your wife and children..."
NP: Clement Freud.
CF: How, how, how. Repetition.
NP: There were three hows, yes, he's not an Indian is he! Clement Freud you have seven seconds left for speaking with the income tax man starting now.
CF: Entering his office I say to him "what an exceptionally nice time of the year it is for paying my income tax". And he looks at me and says he'll...
NP: Well Clement Freud's income tax man has taken him into the lead. He's now just in front of Kenneth Williams who's one point in front of Derek Nimmo. And Geraldine Jones is alas still trailing a little. Clement Freud, it is your turn to begin. Getting the best of an argument. I'm sure this is a subject you can talk very eloquently about, but Just A Minute will do starting now.
CF: So the income tax man says to me "on no account can I listen to what you are saying because it is utterly untrue". At which point I fox him with a careful verbal thrust. What I...
NP: Derek Nimmo you challenged, why?
NP: Hesitation is correct. Derek Nimmo has another point, it's your turn to start on getting the best of an argument, 22 and three quarter seconds starting now.
DN: "Put up your fists, you varmint!" I cry! "You dirty swine! You pig!"
NP: Kenneth Williams.
KW: Well that's deviation, that's nothing to do with getting the best of an argument, that's fisticuffs!
NP: It is alas one way of getting the best of an argument. So Kenneth, what I will do is to give you a bonus point for a very clever try but leave the subject with Derek Nimmo who has 19 seconds left for this...
CF: Could I have a bonus point for sitting next to him?
NP: (laughs) I don't know whether that's a compliment or an insult!
DN: Just a very clever try I think!
NP: All right, Derek Nimmo, 18 seconds left, it's gone down hasn't it! Nineteen seconds left for getting the best of an argument starting now.
DN: I push him to the floor, I crunch his head into the dust, I get hold of an umbrella and...
NP: Geraldine Jones.
DN: I was swinging the umbrella, I just brought it back to hit him!
NP: You nearly hit Geraldine Jones! And that's... I hope that's not the reason you challenged, was it Geraldine?
GJ: No I challenged on deviation, this is not an argument it's assault and battery!
NP: That is.. Geraldine you have a point and you have 13 seconds left for getting the best of an argument starting now.
GJ: Nobody ever gets the best of an argument actually by...
NP: Clement Freud.
CF: She's just denied the whole question!
GJ: I, I was in the middle of a sentence!
CF: Getting the best of an argument! No-one gets the best of an argument!
NP: We only have one lady here with you three men. I'm going to ask if she can justify that. Geraldine can you very rapidly?
GJ: I was interrupted in mid-sentence. I was going to say by arguing. And then I was going to say how you do get the best of an argument.
KW: Very well put! Very well put!
DN: You've got to get the best of an argument in an argument!
NP: Very well put, actually... I think actually logically Clement is right. And so he has the point and the subject and 10 seconds for getting the best of an argument starting now.
CF: Ideally you do this by out-arguing the person who is opposed to you in this particular discourse. And nicely...
NP: Kenneth Williams you challenged.
KW: Well hesitation of course. Hesitation. Hesitation there.
NP: Kenneth you have another point and you have two seconds for getting the best of an argument starting now.
KW: You get the best of an argument by...
NP: Clement Freud has challenged, why?
NP: No it was not!
KW: It's a disgrace!
CF: Very slow off the mark.
NP: Kenneth Williams you have another point, you have one second left for getting the best of an argument starting now.
KW: I say...
KW: That's put me back in the lead, hasn't it, I suppose!
NP: Not quite Kenneth. Brought you very close. You're one point behind Clement Freud.
KW: Oooooohhh neck and neck isn't it!
NP: Derek Nimmo's in third place and Geraldine Jones is still in fourth place. Derek it is your turn to begin on what to do for cold feet, a subject I hope you can speak about for Just A Minute starting now.
DN: Of course mustard baths are awfully useful, you know, really. Nothing more enjoyable on a cold winter's evening than to plunge one's feet in to a warm hot piping delicious mustard bath. And there you sit, above them looking down at your feet in the mustard bath all glowing and happy and well. Or of course you can twiddle them, twiddle the toes which are attached to your feet. This I often do, reciting nursery rhymes at the same time such as "there is a church and there is the steeple, there is the preacher and there are all the little people..."
NP: Clement Freud.
CF: Repetition, too many theres.
NP: Well done! You've got another point and 30 seconds for what to do for cold feet starting now.
CF: Having got that off my chest...
NP: Derek Nimmo why have you...
DN: Deviation, he's talking about his feet, not his chest.
KW: Oh yes!
NP: Well done Derek, another point to you and 20 seconds left for what to do for cold feet starting now.
DN: Of course it all depends how many feet you've got in fact really. I mean sometimes if one gets a long steel rule and immerses that in hot water, that's one way of keeping at least one foot warm. Perhaps two if you have two steel rules. And if you have three wooden rules you put them by the fire and therefore you would keep three feet warm. It all depends really on the way that you approach the subject...
NP: Oh no Geraldine Jones you challenged just before the whistle, what was it?
GJ: Repetition of it all depends really.
CF: Very good!
CF: Very good!
NP: Geraldine has another point, she has the subject and she has one second left for what to do for cold feet starting now.
GJ: I suffer from cold feet...
NP: Well Geraldine it is your turn to begin. Ah yes here's a nice subject, the times that I wear my bikini. Will you please try and talk for Just A Minute starting now.
GJ: I believe that it's the custom in convents for nuns to impose various forms of torment on themselves from time to time, for the betterment of their soul. Instead of using any of the...
NP: Kenneth Williams you challenged, why?
KW: Yes it's nothing to do with bikinis, we were in the...
GJ: Wait! Wait!
NP: I have a strange feeling we were getting to it. Were we going to get to it Geraldine? Can you just justify it very rapidly?
GJ: Well in, instead of, instead of mortifying my flesh in the way that nuns do, I mortify my flesh by putting on a bikini and looking at myself.
NP: Well done! She's won it, she's definitely got another point. All right so Geraldine you have 50 seconds left for the times I wear my bikini starting now.
GJ: So the times I wear my bikini are those times I feel opressed by guilt, when I feel that my life has been hollow and aimless...
NP: Derek Nimmo why do you challenge?
DN: Deviation, I've never heard of anything so devious as mortifying her flesh! I mean really, I think it's absolutely...
NP: Well all I can say is that maybe Geraldine has this particular attitude to bikinis...
KW: Well I got in on that!
NP: Geraldine you have another point and you have 44 seconds left for the times I wear my bikini starting now.
GJ: I stand in front of the mirror all alone and think how perfectly hideous I look. And this instills in me a very....
NP: Clement Freud why have you challenged?
CF: Deviation, she's beautiful!
NP: I will give you one point for gallantry Clement Freud. And Geraldine Jones you still have er oh no 39 seconds left for the times I wear my bikini....
DN: I don't see how you give him a point for gallantry!
CF: Don't argue with the chairman!
DN: He was just being sloppy! There's nothing in the rules about points for gallantry!
NP: Right um give, give er Derek Nimmo a point for impertinence and give Kenneth Williams er one for trying hard and Geraldine Jones one because you're way behind. They've all got... So we're back where we started, Geraldine's still got her bikini on, in front of the mirror somewhere and you have 39 seconds still, the times I wear my bikini Geraldine starting now.
GJ: In justice to Clement Freud it should be said that he's never seen me on one of those...
NP: Derek Nimmo you challenged.
DN: Well deviation there can be no justice to Clement Freud!
NP: I'm not going to give points all round again, I'm just going to say it's a jolly good laugh and the audience enjoyed it...
DN: What's all this got to do with a bikini?
NP: I don't know, we'll find out in a second. Geraldine Jones you have another point, you have 36 seconds left for the times I wear my... gosh, she's been a long time in front of this mirror, hasn't she! Thirty-six seconds left for it though starting now.
GJ: As I'm a rather arrogant person it's very good for me to see myself looking so horrible. Because this instills in me...
NP: Kenneth Williams why do you challenge?
KW: Well nothing to do with times I wear my bikini. It's still herself and all this masochism and standing in front of mirrors and hating the look of it all! It's a disgrace! Nothing to do with the times I wear my bikini.
NP: You are concerned with the number in other words, not just....
KW: The times, do you wear it in the morning or would you wear it in the afternoon or that. That's what it is, isn't it!
NP: Ladies and gentlemen, do you think that Kenneth Williams's challenge is justified and if you do...
SHOUTS OF "YES" FROM THE AUDIENCE
NP: Geraldine Jones I'm extremely sorry, I've done my best for you. You have verey nearly caught up, you're well in the game again. So keep it up from now on girl and Kenneth Williams you have a point and you have 31 seconds left. You tried very hard Kenneth and you, you managed to pull it off. You have got this subject and now you're on your own...
NP: Wait a minute Derek.
DN: Well I mean, if he's managed to pull it off, he can't be wearing it!
NP: Kenneth would you like to put it on again. You have 31 seconds left, you're on your own, the times I wear my bikini starting now.
KW: The times I wear my bikini are at nighttimes in the privacy of my bedroom. Because if I do it in the open air and the sun’s rays get to my body, if I actually expose myself to the sun, I get terrible skin...
NP: Derek Nimmo why did you challenge?
DN: Well deviation, all this exposing himself!
NP: Would you care to justify your exposure very rapidly?
KW: Of course I can perfectly justify that because if you were wearing a bikini you would be exposing an enormous amount of flesh, flesh area.
NP: Yes you're quite right Kenneth, you've got a point...
KW: You'd have mountains of it, all hanging there! Flesh!
NP: Well don't make it obscene or else it will be deviation. Kenneth you have another point, you have 16 seconds left for the times I wear my bikini starting now.
KW: So I wear my bikini, as I say, in the privacy of my bedroom...
NP: Clement Freud why did you challenge?
CF: As I say is repetition. He's already said it.
NP: He's already said it, as I say is repetition.
DN: It's a self.. it's an admission...
NP: It's an admission...
KW: I admit it! I admit it! I admit it!
NP: So you want Clement Freud to have the bikini.
CF: That was a repetition.
NP: Yes definitely. Clement Freud the bikini is with you now. It's been passed on.
KW: Most embarrassing!
NP: You have 14, no, 13 seconds left for the times I wear my bikini starting now.
CF: The times I wear a bikini are very very few and far between. But it has occurred one summer's evening on the beach of San Tropez when my own swimming suit...
NP: I'm rather pleased the whistle went, I was getting very worried about what happened in San Tropez. Anyway Clement Freud you have another point for speaking as the whistle went. And let me give you the score which is um Clement Freud you now have a lead of two over Kenneth Williams who has a lead of two over Derek Nimmo who is equal in third place with Geraldine Jones. I'm afraid we only have time for one more and it is Clement Freud's turn to begin. The subject is collecting silver Clement and you start now.
CF: Collecting silver is something that I have never done. But I've collected a number of other things which I shall tell you about because the subject...
NP: Derek Nimmo you've challenged.
DN: Well deviation obviously.
DN: He's telling you about, talking about...
DN: ...some other things...
CF: Let me just explain.
DN: He's supposed to talk about collecting silver...
NP: Yes Clement would you like to justify?
CF: Yes I was going to talk about people who did collect silver, I was simply disassociating myself personally.
NP: Yes I think you're quite right...
KW: Oh that's clever!
DN: Low cunning, I'd have said!
NP: Whatever it was, it was justified and Clement Freud you have another point and you have 52 seconds left for collecting silver starting now.
CF: A man called Hamish McConnachie of my acquaintance does collect silver and I intend to tell you about him to some extent, or to put it another way, for 39 seconds which remain. Hamish McConnachie is a merchant...
NP: Kenneth Williams you challenged, why?
KW: It's all deviation! It's totally irrelevant! It's nothing to do with collecting silver! It's a load of rubbish! This Hamish bloke doesn't exist, he's just making it up! It's all padding, just padding!
NP: Clement I allowed you to justify it last time, can you very rapidly again justify your Hamish McGonigal or whatever it was.
CF: Yes, 23A Happen Garden. And I should think his solicitors will call on Mr Williams...
NP: We can only wait until the next game and find out if what Clement Freud said is correct. Until that the threat of solicitors is enough to let me give it back to Clement Freud and if he's wrong, he will lose two points at the beginning of the next game. And so Clement you have another point and you have 46 seconds for collecting silver starting now.
CF: No comment.
NP: Derek Nimmo you challenged, why?
DN: Well hesitation.
NP: Yes you're quite right and you have the subject of collecting silver with, for 38 seconds starting now.
DN: The most important thing to look for when collecting silver is of course the hallmark. Collecting silver...
NP: Geraldine Jones you...
NP: Hesitation is correct.
DN: There was a ...
NP: You have 33 seconds left for collecting silver starting now.
GJ: Collecting silver is something usually done by men in churches. For some curious reason it's important to collect silver on green baize trays. You can't collect it on an ordinary plate perhaps because the noise would impinge too harshly on the holiness of the service. The...
NP: Derek Nimmo you challenged.
DN: Well there was a gap between one word and another word! Room to get your scissors in as they say!
NP: All right Derek Nimmo you have the subject with 11 seconds for collecting silver starting now.
DN: Sixpences and shillings, francs and pesetas, all these lovely...
NP: Clement Freud you challenged, why?
CF: Sixpences don't come in shillings. I mean in silver! I'm sorry!
NP: You're quite right, what a clever...
DN: They are, they are in a silver colour.
CF: No they're not.
NP: No they're not.
DN: They are but only in Uruguay!
KW: Oh! Oh it's very good!
NP: After this programme, after this programme if anybody gas got any silver Uruguayan pesetas we'd be very pleassed to receive them and we'll produce them as exhibits at the next show. And if Horatio... what's the name of that man of yours in Hamment Garden?
NP: Harold? No...
NP: What was it called?
DN: He can't remember it now!
DN: He can't remember!
NP: And if Hamish McConnachie is listening to this programme we'd like him to come and watch the next recording of this show because we would like to produce him and prove somebody right or wrong which I cannot do at this moment. But for the rest of this game there are only seven seconds left, Clement Freud you have the subject, collecting silver starting now.
CF: A patbowl is a very good thing with which to start a silver collection because it was made over the years by silversmiths of virtually...
NP: Well that alas is the end of this particular game of Just A Minute. And to give you the final score. Ah oh well this is very very interesting because in second place we have three people. Derek Nimmo, Geraldine Jones and Kenneth Williams are all equal second and they are just four points behind this week's winner Clement Freud.
ANNOUNCER: The chairman of Just A Minute was Nicholas Parsons, the programme was devised by Ian Messiter and produced by David Hatch.