JAM:KWilliams,DNimmo,CFreud,GJones
WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE!

starring KENNETH WILLIAMS, DEREK NIMMO, CLEMENT FREUD and GERALDINE JONES, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 25 March 1969)


THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: We present Kenneth Williams, Derek Nimmo, Clement Freud and Geraldine Jones in Just A Minute. And as the Minute Waltz fades away here to tell you about it is our chairman Nicholas Parsons.

NICHOLAS PARSONS: Thank you very much indeed, hello, welcome once again to Just A Minute. Let us begin this week with the person that we welcome back, Geraldine Jones. Geraldine, the subject for you is how best to colonise the moon. Can you try and talk on that for 60 seconds starting now.

GERALDINE JONES: The only possible justification for the enormously expensive space exploration is the possibility that by indulging in it, we shall be able to colonise the moon with all the people we hate most! Top of my list would be the people who write leaders in newspapers telling us what we should think. And close behind them would be people who write letters to those papers beginning pompously, surely your correspondent knows so-and-so and so-and-so...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo, you have challenged. Why?

DEREK NIMMO: Repetition, so-and-so, so-and-so, so-and-so.

NP: You're quite correct, that was a repetition. So Derek gains a point and he takes over the subject and there are 30 seconds for how best to colonise the moon Derek starting now.

DN: I think the best way to colonise the moon is to go off there in a little rocket. And when I landed I would pitch a little tent and get out my billy...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud you challenged, why?

CLEMENT FREUD: Repetition.

NP: What?

CF: Little, little, little, little.

NP: Yes he did, he had a little rocket and he pitched a little tent. Quite right. Clement Freud, you've gained a point, you have the subject, how best to colonise the moon starting now.

CF: The best way of colonising the moon is getting hold of the Chinese, and sending them all there! Every single one of them!

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo you've challenged. Why?

DN: Repetition, every single one.

NP: Every single one is repetition? I wouldn't know at all. I don't think it is correctly...

DN: There's 600 million of them!

CF: I think you're confusing it with...

NP: It's a very clever challenge Derek but I think you're confusing the two issues of the Chinese who have been repeating a certain function to produce...

CF: I think he meant reproduction, didn't you?

KENNETH WILLIAMS: The Chinese have been repeating themselves!

NP: Yes!

KW: Try Mao Tse-Tung!

NP: But Clement Freud in this instance I don't think was repeating himself so he has another point for having an incorrect challenge against him, he has four seconds for how best to colonise the moon starting now.

CF: The best way of colonising the moon is getting the Japanese not to go there...

WHISTLE

NP: Kenneth Williams will you begin the second round for us. The subject is evolution. Kenneth can you talk on this vast subject for 60 seconds starting now.

KW: Well roughly speaking of course, this means the process of growth and development, you see. In the world, of course, you could apply it to many things. But most of us think of evolution in terms of the world you see, and how...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo, you challenged, why?

DN: Repetition of you see.

NP: Yes there was two you sees, I'm afraid. Derek Nimmo gains a point, he gains the subject, 45 seconds left for evolution Derek starting now.

DN: Evolution means the development of a particular species over a period of time. And it's involved...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams why have you....

KW: Deviation, it doesn't mean that at all.

NP: Well actually it can mean the development of a species...

KW: Yes it means that meaning only that but it doesn't you see! He should have said that, otherwise it's not correct.

NP: I think you're trying to browbeat me, you're trying very hard but I'm not going to get browbeaten. There are 41, 40 seconds for Derek Nimmo to continue on evolution with another point starting now.

DN: The best way to illustrate to Mr Kenneth Williams what evolution really means is to get a jar of little fruit-flies. And if you separate all the male flies from the lady ones and put them in separate pots and then mix the two together...

BUZZ

NP: Ah Clement Freud you buzzed first, why?

CF: Hesitation.

NP: Hesitation alas yes. Clement there are 26 seconds for evolution with you now starting now.

CF: One of the lesser books of the Bible is of course called The Book of Evolution...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo why have you challenged?

DN: It's so minute that it doesn't exist! Deviation.

NP: Derek Nimmo has a point, evolution in that sense is not in the Bible. Derek Nimmo, you have 21 seconds for this subject starting now.

DN: The... theory behind...

BUZZ

NP: Geraldine Jones has challenged.

GJ: Hesitation.

NP: Hesitation. And 20 seconds for evolution with you Geraldine Jones starting now.

GJ: Evolution is a development that has developed rather...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud you challenged.

CF: Hesitation.

NP: Hesitation, Clement, 17 seconds for evolution starting now.

CF: None of the books in the Bible are called the Book of Evolution. But had there been such a one, it might well have...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams...

KW: Deviation, it's a supposition. We're concerned with evolution, he's saying had there been a book.

NP: But...

KW: It's a supposition! We are discussing evolution, we're not discussing supposition.

NP: Yes all right Kenneth! You try and browbeat your points...

CF: Had there been such a book... shall I go on?

NP: No, no, I'm going to give it to Kenneth Williams, nine seconds for you Kenneth with evolution starting now.

KW: Evolution is itself the most extraordinary example historically of the foolhardy nature of anyone thinking that the way things begin is the way they end up...

WHISTLE

NP: As Kenneth Williams was speaking as the whistle went, he gains that bonus point. Derek, Victoriana. A delightful subject which I'm sure you can talk about very ably, 60 seconds will do and starting now.

DN: Victoriana is one of the rather nasty words with the suffix ana attached to them like Americana. And in this case it means an interest or a collection of things of the Victorian era. Things peculiar to that particular period. All sorts of things I think can be described as Victoriana. For instance valentine cards. Although they were known before that period they came into their real eminence during that particular passage of time...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams why have you challenged?

KW: Hesitation.

NP: Hesitation?

KW: Yes.

NP: I think he kept going fairly consistently...

KW: Of course it was hesitation.

CF: Yes.

NP: So Derek Nimmo has 32 seconds to continue on Victoriana starting now.

DN: Saint Valentine as you know was a martyr which was killed by the Emperor Claudius the Second. And the commercialisation of that...

BUZZ

NP: Geraldine Jones why have you challenged?

GJ: Deviation.

NP: Why?

GJ: Well he's not talking about Victoriana...

DN: I'm talking about Valentine cards.

GJ: He's on hagiology.

NP: Yes indeed, I consider that Geraldine should be given the benefit of the doubt, she has 25 seconds for Victoriana starting now.

GJ: There are some people who believe that Victoriana is a dirty word which involves an obscene interest in all sorts of hideous...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams why have you...

KW: Deviation, we're discussing Victoriana, not a load of filth! I haven't come here to hear a load of filth! Disgraceful! It's as bad as the newspapers! We've got a good audience here, people expect something decent, don't they! For goodness sake!

NP: You made a very good point and the audience are completely with you. I think I can only bow to their consideration of the sitauation and give a point to you Kenneth, 19 seconds, Victoriana starting now.

KW: It surely represents some of the most beautiful things you could possibly lay your eyes on. You've got your Albert Hall and of course your Albert Memorial. Now what could be more lovelier than that? When you come upon the Albert Memorial as I very often do...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo why have you challenged?

DN: Repetition, he came on it twice! The Albert Memorial.

NP: He came on the? He didn't come on it, what's your...

DN: He said the Albert Memorial twice, it's repetition. Albert Memorial twice.

NP: I see, I thought you said come on twice, he did say Albert twice.

KW: I wouldn't do that, no!

NP: So Derek Nimmo there are seven seconds for you to continue, Victoriana, starting now.

DN: Papier mache objects were very popular during that period. They're made from wastepaper and they can be pressed into the shape of tables or...

WHISTLE

NP: Well as Derek was speaking when the whistle went he gains another point and he's taken a lead of one over Clement Freud. Geraldine Jones will you begin this round, taking photographs, 60 seconds, starting now.

GJ: When I went to America, I was given a very expensive camera with which to take photographs. On the way out, I tried all sorts of different views of the ocean, upside down, sideways, longways, from the left side of the boat and the right side, in the morning and at night. All these photographs were so unremittingly boring I swore never again to take any and have since left the job of doing it to professionals. My best experience of how they go about it was when I had a picture taken of myself for a glossy magazine. I was led into a rather shabby room by a little man who was... aided by millions...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud.

CF: Hesitation.

NP: Yes, we'll never know what happened in that shabby room! Clement Freud maybe you saved Geraldine some embarrassment. There are 27 seconds for you, taking photographs, starting now.

CF: Taking photographs is one of the instant ways into the Aristocracy. Many men who have done this have ended up in Buckingham Palace, no less. And some of them in Westminster Palace, no more. I should like to say that I myself have only a cursory...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams you challenged.

KW: Well not only hesitation but I, I, I myself.

NP: All right, one will do, Kenneth. Hesitation was quite sufficient. Kenneth there are nine seconds for you, taking photographs, starting now.

KW: Taking photographs is very interesting, a delightful pastime. I frequently do it when I'm on holiday. And the great thing...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud why have you challenged?

CF: I frequently do it when I am on holiday.

NP: He challenged you, not for I, he challenged you on hesitation and...

CF: I challenge him for repetition!

NP: And as nobody challenged you on the Is, I must give the benefit of the doubt in this case to Kenneth who has another point, two seconds for taking photographs starting now.

KW: The great thing to remember is that you must have a good light...

WHISTLE

KW: Oh I must be in the lead now! I must be in the lead, eh?

NP: No you're still in a definite third place Kenneth. But you have caught up on the two leaders. Kenneth, hypnotism. That's an exciting subject for you Kenneth. Will you talk on that now for 60 seconds starting now.

KW: Well hypnotism as I understand it is controlling a person by looking at them and making certain movements with the hands or the eyes and thus getting them to go under your power, become under your spell, so to speak. (starts laughing)

BUZZ

NP: Geraldine Jones you challenged.

GJ: Hesitation.

NP: Hesitation? I call it a full stop!

KW: I didn't know what to say, I was laughing! I was just looking at him and feel as though I was putting myself under his power!

NP: Well I'm glad you lost the subject in that case! Because we'd like to move on at this point Kenneth.

KW: Yes we have to move on!

NP: If Kenneth can constrain himself for a second, I'll ask Geraldine Jones to continue with the subject of hypnotism for the next 43 seconds starting now.

GJ: Kenneth Williams is perhaps the only person in the world who can practice hypnotism on himself and so render himself speechless with giggles! Normally however it's done by rather evil people who like the idea of getting other people completely within their power...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud, why have you challenged?

CF: Deviation.

NP: Why?

CF: Because it's a medical science, not practiced...

NP: Yes it is not necessarily evil. There might be evil people who practice it but it's not generally evil. Clement you have 29 seconds for hypnotism starting now.

CF: A lot of doctors who practice hypnotism are absolutely rotten doctors, I think I ought to make that quite clear. But the thing to do is to get a man or woman under your power by waving in front of him a bright object, a watch, even a tassel, poss...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo you challenged, why?

DN: Well he hesitated on his tassel!

NP: He did indeed...

CF: How else can you hypnotise people? It's no good flashing a tassle.

NP: I think it was a very good place to hesitate. So Derek Nimmo has a point, he has 12 seconds for hypnotism starting now.

DN: Hypnotism is an art which I quite frequently practice in my little small parlour. I get up and I say "come and sit down, old chap" and I switch off the lights...

BUZZ

DN: ...and draw the curtains...

NP: Kenneth Williams why have you challenged?

KW: Hesitation.

NP: Yes, I'm afraid you, once you got in your parlour you did hesitate Derek. There are four seconds for you Kenneth on hypnotism starting now.

KW: This is done entirely...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud you challenged.

CF: Hesitation.

NP: No, Kenneth Williams has another point, he has three seconds for hypnotism starting now.

KW: This is the will pervading...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo why have you challenged?

DN: He said this is, he said it twice, you see. He said it once before, he was challenged, and just after the challenge...

NP: Yes, once he starts again he can say a little word like this another time. Kenneth has another point, he has two seconds for hypnotism starting now.

KW: The domination of the will through the eyes...

WHISTLE

NP: So what a thrilling state of play we're at! That last round has put Kenneth Williams into a lead...

KW: Oh hooray! Oh hooray! I never win , you see! Oh the thrill!

NP: Exactly equal alongside Clement Freud and Derek Nimmo! That's why the situation is so exciting Kenneth. So you'll have to keep your wits about you and see how we go from here. Clement Freud's going to begin the next round, a fascinating subject, stuttering. Can you try and talk in this game for 60 seconds on that subject Clement starting now.

CF: Stuttering is a certain defect in the speech process which causes people not to be able to speak fluently and must on no account be mixed up with hesitation. I will therefore give you a short...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams you challenged.

KW: Oh yes hesitation.

NP: Yes. I thought he was going to say give you a short demonstration and almost he'd have got away with it. Kenneth you have 45 seconds for stuttering starting now.

KW: A very eminent man once told me that this never occurs during the recital of lyrics or any form of poetry or song. And he moreover added that during conversation with animals, one would...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud why have you challenged?

CF: It's so dull!

KW: Just coz he's rude to me! Oh isn't it rotten! Can't take it, you see!

NP: Dull is not a game or a point on which you can challenge...

KW: Thank you! Thank you ducky!

NP: I can't particularly give...

KW: Thank you!

NP: I'm not a ducky, Kenneth Williams!

KW: You're a Daniel, a Daniel come to judgement!

NP: Maybe...

KW: Good for you, love! Yes!

NP: Ducky Daniel? Kenneth you have another point, you have 25 seconds for stuttering starting now.

KW: Those were a couple of instances I've just given you where stuttering does not occur. Because you see the reason for this in the first place is fundamentally of course nervousness. And if one is nervous one will...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo you challenged.

DN: Double nervous.

NP: Double nervous, Derek you have another point...

KW: Ooooooohh!

NP: You have 10 seconds for the subject of stuttering starting now.

DN: It's something that I've been afflicted with all my life. More recently however I've been able to find (stutters) by stuttering I pick it up...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams why have you challenged?

KW: Hesitation.

NP: Well you know actually he was stuttering and that is the subject. So I must on this particular occasion give it to Derek. And the audience agrees so you needn't look like that!

KW: No, they're only sorry for his impediment! He's getting the sympathy!

NP: Well if you want to be like that, then his impediment has gained him a point on this occasion.

KW: Oh I'll come on with a crutch next!

NP: Please keep your crutch out of this Kenneth Williams and we will get on with the game! Derek Nimmo... You have already taken your shoes off, that is quite enough to interest the audience. Four and a half seconds for stuttering Derek starting now.

DN: It's terribly interesting that when you come to a door, instead of just saying hello and if you say h-h-h-who see....

WHISTLE

NP: Derek Nimmo would you begin the next subject, it could almost be connected, it is called habits. Not called, that is the subject, habits. Sixty seconds starting now.

DN: Habits are garnments that are worn by people of various monastic orders. The Carthusiums, the Saleziums, the Franciscans, the Benedictines, the Dominicans and so on. They tend to wear these medieval clothes. But not only men wear them, ladies wear them too. If a woman goes out riding, she wears a habit. Also you have good ones and bad ones. A bad habit of mine, for instance, is to come along here one day a week and try to speak for one minute without hesitation, repetition and deviation on some unlikely subject that will be given to me...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud why have you challenged?

CF: Repetition of the opening announcement!

KW: Oh brilliant!

NP: That I think is a very clever challenge that entirely deserves a point. Don't you agree ladies and gentlemen?

KW: Well shut your rows! Absolute disgrace!

NP: Clement has a point, he has 20 seconds...

KW: Yes!

NP:... for habits starting now.

CF: One of my unfortunate habits is stuttering which I was going to tell you about a little...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo why have you challenged?

DN: Repetition of stuttering! By your definition!

KW: We're getting a faction! There's a faction here!

NP: Now you see this is a very difficult situation...

DN: You've landed yourself in it, darling!

NP: Yes all right lovey, I'll give you the point. All right as Clement as I gave the benefit of the doubt to Clement last time, Derek Nimmo. You have another point and you have 13 seconds for habits starting now.

DN: Sometimes I go into a greenhouse with a little can of water and I squirt it on the tomato plants. This is a rather curious habit that I've fallen into in recent years. Other times, particularly on the...

WHISTLE

NP: Well once again Derek Nimmo was speaking when the whistle went which gives him that bonus point and gives him now a lead of four over Clement Freud and Kenneth Williams who are equal in second place. Geraldine Jones who is trailing a little but perhaps you can make it up this time on the subject of sewing. A delightfully feminine subject, Geraldine, 60 seconds starting now.

GJ: Sewing is something I was forced to do for two very miserable years at school. I never in my life managed to finish a garment. I began a great number. Usually after a few weeks I'd take them home and thrust them on top of my mother and say "please will you finish it for me?" And as my mother is quite an accomplished seamstress she found it almost impossible to do so, because I'd made such an incredible mess of the thing. In cutting it out in zigzags all over it and sewing it up very uneven. The sewing mistress...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo you challenged.

DN: Hesitation.

NP: Hesitation. Derek there are 33 seconds for the subject of sewing which we'd like you to talk about starting now.

DN: There's nothing I enjoy doing more than sewing. Particularly on a warm summer's afternoon, to go out into Hyde or even Green Park with my little southbird, my needle, and my little bit of cotton. And I thread it very delicately. I put it into the piece of material and I weave patterns of such beauty that you wouldn't really know. I have sewn pictures of garlands of flowers...

BUZZ

NP: Geraldine Jones why have you challenged?

GJ: Deviation, this is embroidery, not sewing.

NP: I think that's a very clever challenge Geraldine...

KW: Oh that's brilliant! Very good! Oh she's clever!

NP: You have six seconds, you have another point and the subject is sewing starting now.

GJ: Sewing is of course an enormously useful thing to be able to do. And this is partly why I always avoid doing it...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo.

DN: I thought I heard a bejeu hesitation.

NP: Yes, I thought you were extremely unchivalrous to challenge!

KW: Yes, most ungallant, isn't he!

NP: But you have two seconds for sewing starting now.

DN: So when I run into an aeroplane...

WHISTLE

NP: Well once again in that round Derek has taken more points than anybody else, giving him an even bigger lead. Kenneth Williams, will you begin the next round for us, the subject is the rush hour, you seem all ready for it! So would you begin starting now.

KW: I have had personal experience of the rush hour and I'm here to tell you that it's not funny! You get shoved up against people, they get shoved up against you. The BO is appalling! And moreover in a spell like we're having recently which is, you must admit, comparatively mild for the time of year. But the heating's all left on just as if it was really freezing. Then of course the smells are even more obvious! And I stand there and I find it appalling! Of course I try to walk instead but this often isn't convenient! You know often we have to take public transport now, don't we? You'll agree about that, you take it to shop...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud why have you challenged?

CF: Deviation.

NP: Why?

CF: Well he's talking to you instead of talking about, er, the rush hour.

NP: Kenneth Williams can talk to whoever he wishes as long as he keeps to the point.

CF: Give him a point!

NP: So Kenneth has another point and he has 17 seconds for the rush hour starting now.

KW: And of course down the Tubes they rush in their millions like a load of ants. And it's quite incredible how politeness goes to the wind. I stood in a cigarette queue, I mean, my ticket queue, I didn't mean cigarette queue. And this woman in front of me said she wanted to go to Boscar Desage Tifani. And I said you're not going there, dear...

BUZZ

NP: Clement has challenged you.

CF: Hesitation.

NP: Yes there was absolutely everything I think there.

KW: It was quite good! I should do that again!

NP: It was lovely, yes!

KW: It was quite good! They was liking it!

NP: I wish we could ask you to finish but I'm afraid you were guilty of a lot of crimes in this particular game Kenneth.

KW: Oh!

NP: So Clement Freud has another point and he has three seconds for rush hour starting now.

CF: It happens between 8 and...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams you challenged.

KW: Hesitation.

NP: No!

KW: He didn't come in when you said from now.

NP: He did indeed!

KW: No! Derek Nimmo, you'll bear me out there. He didn't come in, did he?

DN: No he didn't.

NP: Stop bringing...

KW: There's a definite faction in this audience egging you on!

NP: Yes and it's you!

KW: They're egging you on!

NP: You are egging me on! But I'm not going to be budged. Clement Freud has another point and he has two seconds now for rush hour starting now.

CF: And at 6.00 at night, there's a lot of...

WHISTLE

NP: Clement Freud it's your turn to begin the next round. The subject I think has been specially chosen for you, computerising the kitchen. Can you talk on that subject, 60 seconds... you cannot refuse a subject I'm afraid, so don't shake your head and start talking now.

CF: Computerising the kitchen is what some people call getting saucepans at one end of the kitchen and the frying pans at the other. This is not strictly speaking what is meant by the subject. The idea of having a computer is to cut out the work that a housewife does by planning operations in such a way so as to economise on time generally spent therein. And a computer set to cook breakfast, lunch...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams why have you challenged?

KW: We've had the word computer several times. And moreover, the whole thing's very dull!

NP: Kenneth you don't have to play to the audience to get your point.

CF: It's the subject.

KW: Oh I'll...

NP: No, computerising the kitchen. Computerising the kitchen Clement is the subject and you used the word computer twice. So you, Kenneth Williams gains a point...

CF: Oh really!

NP: He has 33 seconds for computerising the kitchen starting now.

KW: What this means of course is that a robot will take over doing what the housewife did formerly. And I do not think this can be described as a good thing. Any housewife will tell you... oh I repeated myself!

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud.

CF: Hesitation after I repeated myself.

NP: All right, you're being extra clever Clement. On the same basis of the housewife you have the subject back, 22 seconds for computerising the kitchen starting now.

CF: Having cut out the card which is fed into this machine which is used to computerise the kitchen, you arrange to get breakfast, lunch, tea and dinner served to the family at regular intervals. Fried crisply, boiled softly, garnished as you want it to be and served by a number of people at exactly the right... oh do blow your....

WHISTLE

CF: (shouts).... whistle!

NP: As Clement Freud was speaking as the whistle went then, he gains another point. And the result, because that I'm afraid is the last round of this particular game, is, reading it backwards, which is a very difficult job because I always have to read the time backwards, I'm getting used to it. Geraldine Jones was in fourth place this week, Clement Freud and Kenneth Williams were a very definite equal in second place. And our winner this week by just three points was Derek Nimmo.

KW: Good old Derek! Hooray! Oh Derek you made it! Ah lovely!

THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: The chairman of Just A Minute was Nicholas Parsons, the programme was devised by Ian Messiter and produced by David Hatch.