ANNOUNCER: We present Kenneth Williams, Derek Nimmo, Clement Freud and Patrick Moore in Just A Minute. And as the Minute Waltz fades away here to tell you about it is our chairman Nicholas Parsons.

NICHOLAS PARSONS: Thank you, thank you very much indeed, hello and welcome to Just A Minute. And once again, I'm going to ask our four panelists to speak if they can for Just A Minute on the subject that I will give them without hesitating, without deviating from the subject, and without repeating themselves. And of course as usual they will try and bend the rules and I'll try to see if I can interpret them. And we're going to begin the show with Kenneth Williams. Who better to begin any show? Kenneth, a lovely subject for you, how to become celebrated. Will you tell us something about that in Just A Minute starting now.

KENNETH WILLIAMS: Greta Garbo did it by saying she wanted to be alone. Mae West, come up and see me some time. WC Fields, my little chickadee! I said stop messing about. And I have become a cult! People have said, you're an enormous cult! And...


NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CLEMENT FREUD: Repetition of enor... of cult.

NP: Yes, as much as you are a cult figure, I don't think we can repeat it Kenneth. So I agree with Clement's challenge, he gets a point for a correct challenge, and he takes over the subject of how to become celebrated, and there are 38 seconds left starting now.

CF: I tried very hard to become celebrated. And after 30...


NP: Patrick Moore's challenged.

PATRICK MOORE: Hesitation.

NP: No, no, no, I'll say it before, if we get too keen on the hesitations, it does inhibit the game and I don't think we want that. So Clement, Patrick, I disagree with the challenge, so Clement gets another point, keeps the subject, 34 seconds, how to become celebrated, starting now.

CF: So I went into Parliament and was totally forgotten by one and all! It was especially significant for Just A Minute, when there was a time when the announcer said "Clement Freud, Kenneth Williams and Derek Nimmo in Just A Minute". And it now says "Kenneth Williams, Derek Nimmo and Clement Freud...


NP: Derek Nimmo has challenged.

CF: I don't want to be challenged! I want to talk about this! I know that nobody else is going to do anything about the billing, which used to be so very complimentary, and which now is very degrading and hurtful to me! And if I can be given a few minutes of your valuable time...


NP: Derek Nimmo's challenged you twice!

DEREK NIMMO: Well it was repetition the first time..

NP: It was repetition of those people. As much as we don't mind those wonderful stars of stage and screen...

CF: Perhaps the booking people would have listened in...

NP: I think you made your point Clement...

CF: .... or the editor of the Radio Times or someone.

NP: I think you made your point. You are getting paid, are you? There are 15 seconds for...

CF: I'm the third bill tonight!

NP: ... you Derek to take over the subject of how to become celebrated starting now.

DN: Clement Freud has become celebrated in the most curious circumstances. It's mainly because he's gloomy, boring, bad tempered, and bearded! He goes through life grumpy, horrid and nasty to everyone that he meets!


NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: Deviation! I don't think that anyone could call this sparkling character sitting next to me any of those incredible things that Nimmo said! I mean, on the contrary, no! I think he's been a source of inspiration to the comedy in this programme, and again and again provided the most marvellous but great comedy exhibition!

NP: Kenneth I think you made your point...

KW: Yes!

NP: He doesn't come across like that to you, the audience endorsed your opinion, so you take over the subject, having gained a point for, sorry, for a correct challenge, and there are four seconds left starting now.

KW: Celebrities are often mixed up of course with men...



NP: No, Derek, Derek Nimmo challenged just...

DN: Repetition of of course.

NP: No he never said it...

KW: Had I said it before?

NP: No, you didn't. So you have half a second on how to become celebrated Kenneth starting now.

KW: You do it with a bang!


NP: Kenneth started with a bang and at the end of the first round has a lead over all the rest. Clement Freud will you begin the next round and the subject is my ambition. And will you tell us something about that, you'll probably tell us it's to get back at top billing again! In Just A Minute starting now.

CF: My ambition...


NP: Kenneth Williams challenged.

KW: Hesitation, I'm afraid.

NP: Yes! But is it fair...

DN: What about all these things about keen challenges before people get started?

NP: It was a challenge but I'm not going to allow it, because I don't think it's fair right at the beginning...

CF: Why aren't you going to allow it?

NP: All right! It was one and a half seconds so um...

CF: So why don't you allow it?

NP: I'm going to allow it now.

CF: You just said you weren't going to allow it!

KW: Come along! It's my park! Come along!

NP: Fifty-eight and a half seconds, my ambition, starting now.

KW: It is to become chairman of Just A Minute, so I can oust that great nitwit sitting there, who ...


KW: ... goes against mine, and hurts my feelings! My feelings are...

NP: Patrick Moore has challenged.

PM: I claim deviation. Just now he said that Clement Freud was a delightful sparkling character! Now he says that he's a nitwit. He can't have it both ways!

DN: He's not the chairman!

NP: I'm sorry, he's saying that I'm a nitwit!

DN: No, no, he's talking about Nicholas Parsons and he's a proven nitwit!

PM: In that case I'm bound to say that my challenge was incorrect.

DN: That's absolutely correct!

NP: Patrick if your challenge...

CF: I think that he should get two points for being a nitwit as well!

NP: Patrick if you're challenging on the fact that er... I know! I'll put it to the audience! I'll show you how courageous I am! If you agree with Kenneth Williams, you think I'm a nitwit, will you please cheer for him. And if you disagree...


NP: And if you disagree will you please all boo together now.


NP: The boos have it! What was your challenge Patrick?

PM: I haven't the slightest idea!

NP: No! But actually he did repeat feelings and he was deviating. So Patrick you have 52 seconds on my ambition starting now.

PM: My ambition is to get the rules of this game really straight. They seem to deviate every other second. And if only I could sort them out in my own mind, I feel that I could do a great deal better and not end up in an ignominious fourth position as I have no doubt whatsoever I am at the present moment. When Kenneth Williams said that he was a sparkling... admirable character, I would entirely agree...


NP: Kenneth Williams challenged.

KW: I'm afraid, a bit of hesitation.

NP: Yes I agree with that...

CF: Oh not really!

NP: Yes definitely!

PM: I would never hesitate in saying that Clement Freud is a sparkling character!

NP: No, no, 30 and a half seconds with you...

DN: Can we have the subject on the card? It's changed a little!

NP: ...Kenneth, my ambition, starting now.

KW: And we will, in my hands, return to that subject, and discuss it in a relevant fashion, unlike the ramblings of some these people they engage! How they ever arrive in this building I'll never know! As I was saying, my ambition is to take over this game and ensure that dialectic debate...


NP: Derek Nimmo has challenged.

DN: Repetition of game.

NP: Yes, you said the chairman...

KW: Well I think that's awfully nit picking of you, really I do! He's just picking on small little things! Game, I mean! Anyone would have allowed that wouldn't they if they'd been a sport! (gives Clement a kiss)

CF: No!

NP: The laugh then was because Kenneth got completely carried away...

CF: Definitely not, no!

NP:... and kissed Clement Freud.

CF: No!

NP: And he had a correct challenge against him. There are 10 and a half seconds, Derek, my ambition, starting now.

DN: My ambition is also to be able to kiss the gentleman next to Kenneth Williams! To muzzle into all that fungus would give me the greatest of pleasure...


NP: So at the end of that round Derek Nimmo was speaking when the whistle went. And in case you've forgotten whoever does that does get an extra point and he's now equal in the lead with Kenneth Williams. Kenneth, watch out, you haven't held the lead for long but try and get it back. Patrick Moore is in second place and Clement Freud is in third place. And Derek Nimmo, your turn to begin. And the subject is burglar alarms. Can you tell us something about those in Just A Minute starting now.

DN: My son went off to Africa quite recently to sell burglar alarms and when he got there, he found there wasn't a great demand for them. So he tried to increase trade with a few high class robberies, which wasn't a very good idea. The insurance company came to see me three weeks ago and insisted I install a lot of pads which apparently would sound off a burglar alarm by doorways, underneath the window and finally in front of the fireplace. I said "who are we after, Father Christmas?" They said we don't think it is necessary for you to argue about it. I was staying in a house in Wiltshire when suddenly one day a man clad in a striped jersey and a black mask started to climb the drainpipe. Suddenly the burglar alarm...


NP: Kenneth Williams challenged.

KW: I do think we've got an awful lot of deviation before we got to any mention of burglar alarms.

NP: Yes I agree, he went for nearly 10 seconds, in fact more than 10 seconds, so I agree he..

DN: You can't tell...

KW: No, don't, don't, we've got a very good chairman here! He knows the rulings, dear! You can't...

DN: The man in the striped jersey with a black mask was a burglar!

NP: After what he said about me bfore, you see how fair I am! I've given it to him and Kenneth has the subject and a point for a correct challenge and 12 seconds left starting now.

KW: What few citizens know is that the nuisance burglar alarms create can be stopped if you write to your town hall and inform the environmental officer that this appalling nuisance...


NP: So Kenneth Williams with a good challenge and also speaking when the whistle went has gained more points and is now back in the lead again...

KW: Quite right!

NP: Patrick Moore will you begin the next round. The subject is absolute gravity. Just A Minute starting now.

PM: (speaking very quickly) Absolute gravity as a conception, this is due very largely to the theory of relativity, which as you know, was introduced many years ago now by a gentleman named Einstein, who published his first papers on the subject way back in nineteen hundred and five. Now he had in fact been a clerk in the patent office there in Switzerland. He had not done very well there. He was not regarded as anything very much in the way of a genius. So when he came along with his idea of absolute gravity people began to sit up and take notice, which of course is very reasonable of them. I was not myself alive at that time, I feel I should have been, I would have liked to have known him very much. However he published these reports way back in the early part of the century...


NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: He published the reports twice.

NP: Yes I'm afraid so, Patrick...

PM: But he did publish then twice!

NP: Yes! And if Kenneth Williams had said what you just said in Just A Minute he'd have kept going for 60 seconds by now. What speed! Kenneth there are 27 seconds on absolute gravity with you starting now.

KW: Absolute gravity can not be discussed of course subjectively. It can only be properly discussed objectively...


NP: Patrick Moore.

PM: Repetition of dicussed.

NP: That is correct Patrick...

KW: Very well listened Patrick! You're doing very well! Very nicely!

NP: Twenty-three seconds, absolute gravity Patrick starting now.

PM: I'm interested to see whether in fact absolute gravity is the same for all the participants in this particular panel. For example looking at Kenneth Williams, Clement Freud, Derek Nimmo, at our chairman...


NP: Derek Nimmo challenged you.

DN: An er.

NP: No, no, no, there wasn't any. He was going very fast, he always does! There are 13 seconds on absolute gravity with you Patrick starting now.

PM: (slowly, drawing out the words) If I am accused of going too fast...


NP: Clement Freud.

CF: Deviation from his previous speed!

NP: Yes and that's a good challenge but it's incorrect within the context of the game! Clem... Kenneth varies his speed all the time! Patrick, you're learning fast, there are 11 seconds on absolute gravity starting now.

PM: Absolute...


NP: Derek Nimmo.

DN: Hesitation.

NP: Yes, I do agree with that hesitation. Two seconds! There are nine seconds left for absolute gravity Derek starting now.

DN: I admire the absolute gravity of the judiciary. When you see a High Court judge sitting on the bench administering justice to miscreants, you look at him with great...


NP: Well Derek Nimmo was speaking as the whistle went, he gained the extra point for doing so, he’s moved ahead of Patrick Moore, but he's still one point behind our leader who is still Kenneth Williams. And Kenneth, the audience are with you...

KW: Very kind!

NP: Some of them are with you more than others! And the subject is with you now to start, and it is Jeremy Bentham. Would you tell us something about him...

KW: Who?

NP: Jeremy... well, I don't know if it's Bentimm or Ben-them, I don't know. I know who he is, but Bentham I believe...

KW: Oh Jeremy Bentham! Yes, yes! Yes I see!

NP: Jeremy Bentham, and 17something to 1803, I believe. So would you tell us something about him in Just A Minute starting now.

KW: I think he's known for the utilitarian philosophy and founded the university college. They keep his skeleton there dressed in his suit. And I think...


DN: Deviation.

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Well it's not his skeleton, he's stuffed!

NP: Yes! You can't stuff a skeleton, but if you do...

KW: No, it is not that at all, it is the skeleton with clothes on the skeleton, it is not stuffed I do assure you. In fact...

NP: I'll put this to the audience....

CF: Shall we adjourn and have a look at it!

KW: You see, you don't have men stuffed. It just doesn't occur! They have done it with certain other people...

NP: I've just asked Ian Messiter who...

KW: ... and quite a lot of animals, but they don't have men stuffed!

NP: I've...

KW: I mean you can have your turkey...

NP: Oh shut up! Will you!

KW: Many's the time I...

NP: Talk about wanting to be chairman!

CF: I haven't been...

KW: Oh I was only joking about wanting to be chairman! You great nit! You don't take that seriously, do you! Oh fancy taking it seriously, he's taken it all seriously! Look!

NP: I take everything that you say seriously! Ian Messiter who brought the subject along himself doesn't know whether he's stuffed or not... I don't mean Ian's stuffed or not! But he has informed me there are two people in the audience who do know whether it's a skeleton with clothes on it or whether it is...

IAN MESSITER: They don't know, they've forgotten!

NP: Or if they don't know they've forgotten! Will those two people stand up and tell us please?

IM: They say they don't know, they've forgotten!

NP: Is there somebody in the audience who knows if the skeleton has its clothes on...

KW: There you are, I've been borne out, I'm quite correct, you see!

NP: I don't know who it is, it's probably a friend of Kenneth Williams, but he has said...

PM: Whether he is a clad skeleton or whether he is stuffed surely can't affect him very much. I mean, I don't suppose he minds!

NP: It will affect the challenge, it will affect the challenge! That makes Derek's challenge incorrect, and Kenneth keeps the subject and there are 49 seconds left, Jeremy Bentham, starting now.

KW: Trained as a barrister, he did in fact not practice at the bar but wrote several books, and took the view that law should be a reforming instrument and not simply maintain the status quo. He said all actions are right, if they accord...


KW: ... the great... who keeps interrupting me!

NP: Derek Nimmo.

DN: Am I right, that was a hesitation?

NP: No, no, no, no, he was keeping going, he was in full...

KW: Look here! You want to shut your row you know! I'll come over there and do you! I'm on a very difficult subject, I've got to concentrate, aint I? Aint I got to concentrate, right? Right?

NP: Yeah you certainly have mate, now get on with it! You've got three and a half seconds...

KW: He's disturbing my quote about Bentham, innee?

NP: Yes...

KW: He's ruined it! How can I go back on that now?

NP: No you can... I'll allow you to...

KW: He said that all actions are right, provided they affect the happiness of the greatest number.

NP: Well, we'll start the clock when you said that all actions are right. And then we'll start the clock, so you won't be repeating yourself.

KW: Oh yes thank you!

NP: So Jeremy Bentham is the subject, sorry, starting now.

KW: All actions are right when they affect the happiness of the greatest number. I personally don't agree with any of that, I think it's rubbish! I mean I wouldn't er...


KW: Well he was winking at me!

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Hesitation.

NP: Yes, 20 seconds for you to tell us something about Jeremy Bentham, Clement, starting now.

CF: By a very fortunate coincidence I have in the audience a colleague who will confirm that Jeremy Bentham was on the last ferry between Warbriswick and Southworld...


NP: Derek Nimmo's challenged.

DN: Could we ask the gentleman to stand up?


DN: His son!

NP: And on this occasion I can tell our listeners it is a relation! The other one was no relation of Kenneth Williams...

CF: I can get somebody else to stand up.

NP: That gentleman who stood up, can you please tell us what you're confirming?

CF: There's people standing up all over!

CLEMENT FREUD'S SON: That's absolutely true! He um, Jeremy Bentham was on the last ferry between Warbriswick and Southworld on the date of 1812. March the first.

NP: You were bribed! Clement we give you the benefit of the doubt, 11 seconds, Jeremy Bentham...

CF: The benefit of the doubt? I mean yes...

NP: Starting now, does someone want to challenge?


CF: Jeremy Bentham...

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged. Hesitation, I quite agree. There are nine seconds with you Kenneth on Jeremy Bentham starting now.


KW: I...

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Hesitation.

NP: Hesitation, absolutely right Clement...

KW: Well I think that's...

NP: Seven and a half seconds, Jeremy Bentham starting now.

CF: When Jeremy Bentham came home to his mother and said what is there for dinner, old Mrs Bentham said I'm very glad you asked because for once the butcher was able to give us collar of lamb...


NP: Jeremy Bentham on the last ferry from...

KW: Laugh! I nearly bought my own beer!

NP: ... from Warbeswick! There wasn't a ferry in Warbeswick in 1832 when the poor old man died. And it was his last ferry trip. Clement you've done jolly well in that round, you're still in third place behind Derek Nimmo, and Kenneth is in quite a strong lead now. Clement it's your turn to begin, the subject is censorship which I think should be instituted in Just A Minute. But will you tell us something about that in 60 seconds starting now.

CF: Censorship is when government or society decides to impose its own views on those of other people. And by and large, I am against it. I think that all human beings in this world have a perfect right to judge what they can and cannot see. In the case...


NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: Deviation, he's leading the general public at large to believe that governments who do only impose their points of view by censorship, whereas in censorship in times of war for instance it's no more imposing a point of view than flying to the moon. It's simply not giving the enemy information about the security of your country.

NP: I agree with what you just said Kenneth...

KW: Thank you.

NP: ... and it's got nothing to do with what Clement was saying. And he wasn't actually deviating from the subject of censorship because he was actually talking on that subject whether you agree with what he said or not. So there are 41 seconds left Clement censorship starting now.

CF: There's a different kind of censorship which is not unimportant to the security of the nation which is manifested in reading letters, scripts, scrolls, books, pamphlets and newspapers so that the information contained therein will not be of help to the enemy of the country wherein the information that it's published. And I think that's...


NP: Patrick Moore challenged.

PM: Repetition of information.

NP: Yes he did say information before, you're quite right Patrick, well listened, 23 seconds, censorship, starting now.

PM: Censorship is a very old practice. It goes back to the days of the ancient Greeks when Sophocles was prevented from propagating his own particular views...


NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: Hesitation, I'm afraid.

PM: Yes...

NP: Yes I'm afraid on the propa...

PM: Yes I can't deny that, you're quite right Kenneth, you're absolutely right. I do agree, yes.

NP: You're doing a Kenneth Williams now.

PM: Sorry!

NP: Kenneth you have 15 seconds, censorship, starting now.

KW: It should be practiced with severity! And anyone publishing their lewd dirty rotten libels should be hanged, drawn and quartered in the marketplace! Cross out and remove...


NP: I hope you were cheering Kenneth's invective and not his ideas! You've increased your lead...

KW: Quite right! Quite right!

NP: You have twice as many points as Clement Freud, Patrick Moore and Derek Nimmo...

CF: Together?

KW: Quite right! Yes!

NP: Not all together, quite!

KW: yes, very kind!

NP: Derek Nimmo, your turn to begin, the subject is successful fibbing. Would you tell us something about that in Just A Minute starting now.

DN: Succesful fibbing is something that you really have to practice rather often on this game. You have to pretend for instance you want to have people...


NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Have to, have to, twice.

NP: Yes I'm afraid so yes.

DN: It's rather a mean challenge.

NP: Yeah but it was correct so if he's going to be mean we have to play it that way. Fifty-four and a half seconds on successful fibbing Clement starting now.

CF: When the chairman announced just now that Derek Nimmo was second, Kenneth Williams first and I third, he in fact made a mistake. Because I am leading this game by 18 points. And I think if he looks at Ian Messiter's...


NP: Derek Nimmo's challenged.

DN: Unsuccessful fibbing!

NP: Oh...

DN: He knows that he's not leading the game by 18 points! It must be unsuccessful fibbing!

NP: How do you know he's not leading it? That's the trouble, isn't it?

DN: We try to go by some information we were given...

NP: Therefore you're quite right, because you challenged him his fibbing is unsuccessful. So a good challenge Derek and you take over the subject, 42 seconds, successful fibbing, starting now.

DN: Successful fibbing is to pretend that something has happened that really hasn't. And therefore once can go around, tell the most awful white lies. My dear friend Freddie Byron is the most wonderfully successful fibber. I met her one day on the Piccadilly Line at 2.30 with Mrs Chennell. And the most extraordinary thing happened. She produced out of a big plastic bag which she happened to be carrying at the time, a tortoise. And she told me that it wasn't that at all, it was a heffalump. And I knew it wasn't but there I had to pretend that because her successful fibbing...


NP: Patrick Moore challenged just before...

PM: Repetition of successful, but I think it's the wrong challenge, because of successful fibbing, yes?

NP: Yes, successful is on the card, so you can't withdraw it, I'm afraid he gets a point for a wrong challenge...

PM: I was afraid he might!

NP: There's one second left starting now.

DN: Green turkey!


NP: Well Derek Nimmo got a lot of points in that round including one for speaking as the whistle went and he's moved forward, and he's catching up on Kenneth Williams who's still our leader. And Patrick Moore, your turn to begin. The subject is popular misconceptions. Will you tell us something about those in Just A Minute starting now.

PM: I knew a Spaniard once, a very nice chap. He lived in Barcelona, his name was Concepcion, which of course if you like, you can pronounce Conception. He had three daughters, they were extremely pretty and they were known as the popular Miss Conceptions. Now all of these had, they all had different views on life. The first of them went over, as far as I can remember, to somewhere in the North American continent and became an expert pilot. She was flying over the North Pole of the world. And therefore she did establish that the Earth is not in fact flat. There are some people who believe that our planet on which we live and where we spend all our lives is in fact shaped like a gramophone record with the central point in the middle, naturally, it couldn't be anywhere else. And of course we have a wall of ice all round. Now this Miss Conception successfully managed to disprove that theory. Her second sister was also a Miss Conception, also highly attractive I may say. And she did not take up a career in the Air Force. She became a naval navigator. She could hardly be anything else of course because when one does have two entirely different characters in the same family, and this very often happens, then quite clearly one must resort to different careers and she proceeded to so. On the first occasion, the third Miss Conception whose name unfortunately was Ermyntrude. Now this was a handicap to her throughout her life. If you have a name like that what can one do? One is bound to be inhibited and she was terribly inhibited. And I'm very much afraid...


NP: I'm sorry, Ian Messiter couldn't find his whistle! And I was trying to find another whistle and bring it over for Patrick to blow it himself! He certainly blew on very very well there. You actually kept going Patrick for a minute and a half, all about those delightful Miss Conceptions...

PM: Do I earn two points then?

NP: You get two points yes, one for not being interrupted, one for speaking when the whistle should have gone. And ...

IM: And a third point because I didn't blow it!

NP: And a third point because the others were so kind and let you go on because they enjoyed it so much! And so we give him three for that and he's now only one point behind Derek Nimmo who was three points behind Kenneth Williams. Ladies and gentlemen and listeners, I'm sorry for the outburst, but as you see it was a popular win. I don't think we're going to be able to repeat this too often. It was most popular with every member of Kenneth Williams' family, some of whom were leaping round the audience. In fact there was one who bore remarkable resemblance to Kenneth Williams himself! Kenneth how you retained your composure amongst that tumultuous reception is beyond me.

KW: Natural modesty! Natural modesty and due humility! You see...

NP: Will you now be even more modest while I just wind up the show and say that we have no more time. It just remains for me to say thank you very much for listening, thank you very much for coming into the studio. We hope you've enjoyed it, from all of us here goodbye!

KW: Lovely chairman!

ANNOUNCER: The chairman of Just A Minute was Nicholas Parsons, the programme was devised by Ian Messiter and produced by John Browell.