ANNOUNCER: We present Clement Freud, Derek Nimmo, Patrick Moore and Kenneth Williams in Just A Minute. And as the Minute Waltz fades away, here to tell you about it is our chairman, Nicholas Parsons.

NICHOLAS PARSONS: Thank you very much, hello and welcome to Just A Minute. And once again our four panelists are going to pit their wits and their verbal dexterity against each other and see who'll be the winner in this uneven contest. And we welcome back a guest, Patrick Moore, to do battle with our three regulars, Derek Nimmo, Clement Freud and Kenneth Williams. And as usual they're going to try and talk for Just A Minute on some subject I will give them without hesitation, without repetition and without deviating from the subject. And we start the show with Derek Nimmo. And Derek the subject is litterbugs. Litterbugs. Can you talk for Just A Minute on that starting now.

DEREK NIMMO: I absolutely detest people who chuck rubbish around all over the street. And I've waged a secret campaign against them over many years. Recently I was in the Antipodes, and there they have a tremendous procession in Melbourne called Moonbah. And they handed out there great plastic bags labelled Keep Australia Beautiful to the assembled crowd. And when the people had dispersed afterwards, not only was the rubbish left behind as usual...


NP: Clement Freud has challenged you.

CLEMENT FREUD: Repetition of rubbish.

NP: Yes, there was a bit too much rubbish there Derek. And so Clement Freud with a correct challenge there, he gets a point for that of course. And he takes over the subject and there are 35 seconds left and he starts now.

CF: It's a very strange thing but I really do have a silly compulsion to throw bits of paper out of my car. I'm not at all sure why, but when I drive, say from London to Birmingham which I do quite frequently, also to Cambridge, and I eat a sweet, I keep the piece of paper and say...


NP: Patrick Moore has challenged.

PATRICK MOORE: Repetition of paper.

NP: That's right yes! And if you're talking about litterbugs you can have too much paper can't you! So Patrick you have a correct challenge and a point of course for that. And there are 16 seconds left, litterbugs, starting now.

PM: Well we were talking about litterbugs and I really can't quite understand why Kenneth, Clement Freud...


NP: Derek Nimmo has challenged.

DN: Hesitation.

NP: Yes, a rather tough one on a guest who doesn't play as regularly but we'll give it to you Derek because it's correct. And there are 11 seconds left on litterbugs starting now.

DN: I have an absolutely splendid sow in my farm and it had recently a litter, which was a quite large one, come to think of it, and...


NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KENNETH WILLIAMS: Well deviation! He's talking about a litter delivered to a sow! I mean that's not litterbugs! It's deviation.

NP: Well bugs might be the name of the sow who gave birth to the litter. You don't know what people are going to say, do you?

CF: No.

NP: I mean...

CF: Some people...

NP: ...I mean I don't think he had really legitimately deviated from the subject. He was talking about litter...

KW: Not legitimately deviated! Litterbugs to do with pigs! You're raving mad! Not deviating! Oh I don't know what kind of judgement is that! I ask you!

NP: I know! That's probably why I got the job!

KW: Yes!

NP: Because I am mad! You have to be raving mad to accept the chairmanship of this show! No, I'm going to give Derek the benefit of the doubt and give him three more seconds which is all that's left for litterbugs starting now.

DN: And unfortunately some of the piglets...


NP: Er Derek, Patrick has challenged.

PM: Repetition of piglets.

NP: I think he said pig. He said pig before not piglets.

PM: A pig and a piglet are the same thing! One is the logical derivation of the other!

NP: They are a logical derivation. But in Just A Minute Patrick we go on the words that you say. It's a speech game...

PM: I'm well aware of that! I was only trying it on!

NP: Well that's what the game's all about. They try everything on here and I try and spot it. But I don't give way on that one Patrick, so Derek has another point and three quarters of a second on litterbugs starting now.

DN: There were lots of bugs on her udder!


NP: Well when the whistle goes that tells us that 60 seconds are up. Whoever's speaking at that moment gains an extra point and it was on this occasion Derek Nimmo so I don't need to tell you that he is in the lead at the end of that round. Patrick Moore will you begin the second round, and the subject is mariners.

PM: Mariners...

NP: No, Just A Minute!

PM: Mariners...

NP: I do...

DN: He said it twice! Does that mean anything?

PM: No, no, it's the same thing, there are two mariners.

DN: Mariners, yes.

NP: I do have to say there are 60 seconds starting now.


NP: Ah Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Hesitation.

NP: Do you know I think you're right. Clement there was a hesitation of two seconds, no one and a half. So you have the subject of mariners and there are 58 and a half seconds starting now.

CF: I don't know too many mariners but there was a quite splendid one who played for Plymouth Argyle and was sold to Ipswich which is in East Anglia, quite near where I live. He comes from Devon although he considers himself a Cornishman as do so many people who come from...


NP: Ah, Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Repetition of come. Which was a bit hard wasn't it really? But he said come and come from Devon.

NP: All right but you've given the challenge and it is correct so I have to award it. Occasionally I know we do be sporting, are sporting I'm sorry, and overlook these things. But we can't on this occasion because you challenged and there are 39 seconds for mariners with you Derek starting now.

DN: I'm sure Mr Patrick Moore will recall that glorious day in 1962 when Mariner 2 went within 26,000 miles...


NP: Patrick Moore has challenged.

PM: Misstatement, it was 21,000.

NP: Patrick we will not dispute you on a subject like this, so we give you a point for that and there are...

DN: If you look in Mr Patrick Moore's book you'll find that he's wrong!

PM: I'm quite right!

CF: Either in the book or here!

NP: Well anyway you have the subject Patrick and there are 30 seconds for mariners starting now.

PM: As I was saying before I was interrupted there are two...


NP: Derek Nimmo's challenged.

DN: Well he hadn't said anything had he?

PM: Yet!

NP: He did he did say mariners.

DN: No he didn't...

PM: I did start on mariners.

DN: No he didn't start with anything at all. He started with a hesitation.

PM: Am I right Mr Freud?

DN: There's no need to rub it in at all!

NP: You're interrupting now.

DN: You're so used to being bossy, that's what your trouble is.

NP: You come back with all these Antipodean manners of shouting people down and interrupting. No I interrupted him and he came in with his mariners, he was interrupted. And so he has a point for an incorrect challenge and there are 27 seconds for mariners Patrick starting now.

PM: Mariners are in fact at this very moment delving through space. Two have been on their way to the planet Mars. One has been on its way to Venus...


NP: Um, Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: I'm afraid on its way came twice.

NP: Yes I'm afraid it did go on its way twice didn't it?

PM: There were two mariners!

NP: Oh you're allowed to mention the subject mariners but not on its way.

PM: Yes I was afraid of that.

NP: The subject on the card you can repeat Patrick. There are 20 seconds left for mariners Kenneth starting now.

KW: The word is redolent of Miraz for me. In Singapore I stood on the stage and spoke those lines, ye mariners of England who guard our native shore or what it seems? I can't remember...


NP: Clement....

KW: I did marvelously, top luck, eh?

NP: Clement Freud has challenged you.

KW: What did you say love?

CF: A hesitation after what it seems.

NP: No! There was no hesitation! He was doing wonderfully well!

CF: Ah, there was no hesitation!

NP: Kenneth you have an incorrect challenge and another point. And there are seven seconds on mariners starting now.

KW: I was a sea cadet having ambitions...


NP: Patrick has challenged you.

PM: Repetition of sea.

NP: No you haven't mentioned the sea before.

PM: Oh yes...

KW: I'm afraid he's right, he's right!

PM: Of course I'm right!

KW: He's got an eagle ear, oooh, he's brilliant!

PM: You couldn't remember whether he said sea or not.

NP: I know .

PM: There were two seas.

NP: But you could, thank goodness. And there are four and a half seconds for mariners with you Patrick starting now.

PM: Mariners as I've said before...


KW: Hoist with your own petard!

DN: Repetition!

PM: What of? Mariners?

DN: No, as I said before!

NP: You said as I said before...

PM: What a pity!

NP: Yes! So Derek's got three seconds left and the subject's mariners starting now.

DN: Life on the ocean wave says I!


NP: Patrick challenged you.

DN: Oh what's the matter with you?

PM: Deviation.

NP: Why?

PM: I don't know.

NP: So as you said before Patrick you're trying every trick and that one didn't work either. So there's one second left for mariners, only half a second left for mariners Derek starting now.

DN: A square rigged ship...


NP: Derek Nimmo's in fine fettle tonight because he's got a lot of points and he's increased his lead at the end of that round. But Patrick Moore's in second place and Clement Freud and Kenneth Williams are equal in third. And Clement Freud your turn to begin. The subject: caring for a frying pan. Will you... it's a very serious subject! It's no laughing matter! If you don't look after your frying pans you don't live well! And Clement Freud will tell us something about it in Just A Minute starting now.

CF: I suppose caring deeply for a frying pan could be called devious for which reason...


NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: It's called deep frying.

NP: Well tried but it's not a good challenge to get you a point. So Clement... The audience laughter then listeners was Kenneth giving a little playful peck on the ear to Clement Freud who sits beside him...

CF: Near, near the ear.

NP: Where was it? On the beard?

CF: It missed the ear.

NP: It missed the ear. Well I won't say where it hit. There are 55 seconds for caring for a frying pan starting now.

CF: I presume that caring for a frying pan means making sure it has a maximum of useful life. And by far the best thing to do when you first buy it is to fill it with fat, oil, grease, lard, whatever and get it to an absolutely totally hot situation temperature if you will so that the bottom of the frying pan...


NP: Kenneth Williams.

KW: Hesitation I'd say.

NP: Yes I think there was.

CF: Really?

NP: Oh yes before...

CF: I mean I...

KW: It was the hot situation that put him off!

NP: A very un-Freud remark wasn't it! Um there are 34 seconds left for caring for a frying pan. It's with you Kenneth starting now.

KW: Well as a very famous gentleman remarked if you don't like the heat you must get out of the kitchen and he knew all about frying pans. He said he'd come out of them into the fire and apropos our own economic dilemna I could of course discuss this at even greater length but I would do realise I would be accused of deviation. Therefore I will return to the theme of the frying pan and talk about...


NP: Well there's a fine example of going round in a circle and coming back to the subject and keeping going. But Kenneth you have got another point for speaking when the whistle went and you have leapt forward, one ahead of Clement Freud and still in second place with Derek Nimmo in a strong lead. But Kenneth it's your turn to begin, the subject: Macready. Will you tell us something about him in Just A Minute starting now.

KW: One of the great actor managers of England and incidentally....


NP: Patrick has challenged.

PM: England have never had an actor manager. It's had a Prime Minister but never an actor manager.

NP: There has been actor managers.

PM: Not of England!

NP: He said one of the great actor managers of England.

KW: Exactly.

PM: England's never had an actor manager.

NP: Oh, well you're challengeing for deviation of grammar. In other words, he should, yes, yes, one of the great English actor managers.

PM: Yes exactly.

NP: He wasn't an actor manager of England! Do you understand? It's a very clever and subtle challenge but it actually is correct.

DN: One of the great sausage makers of England?

NP: So I'm afraid I must give it to Patrick and tell him he has 55 and a half seconds on the subject Macready starting now.

PM: This is going to be really rather...


NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Hesitation.

NP: No, of course not! Forty-nine and a half seconds, Macready, starting now.

PM: I must confess I have never heard of Macready...


NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: Well he obviously shouldn't discuss it. It's deviation.

NP: He wasn't going to discuss it, he was going to try and talk about it even though he hadn't heard of Macready which you have to do in Just A Minute if you get a subject about which you know nothing. You have to try and talk around it or about it. And he wasn't deviating at that particular time! Give him a chance, he might! Fifty-two, no, 51 and a half seconds, Macready, Patrick, starting now.

PM: I gather from Derek that he was in fact a sausage manufacturer. Now my...


NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: Deviation he wasn't.

NP: How do you know?

KW: Because I've just read his biography! That's why!

NP: There's more than one Macready!

KW: No, there wasn't! There's only one actor manager Macready!

NP: But it doesn't say on the card the actor manager Macready, there's Macready...

PM: I said that Derek said he was a sausage manufacturer which is an entirely different thing. For all I know he may not be a sausage manufacturer at all! He may be something entirely different at all.

NP: I've just started and I don't want to be unfair to anybody so I'm going to ask the audience to be the final judges. If you agree with Kenneth's challenge then you cheer for Kenneth and if you agree with Patrick's point which is also a perfectly legitimate one then you boo for him and you do it all together now.


NP: The boos have it! Patrick you still have the subject and you have 47 seconds on Macready starting now.

PM: I return to the fact that Macready...


NP: Clement Freud.

CF: Repetition of fact. He said in fact in each of his other...

NP: Yes, yes.

PM: Yes I did I'm afraid.

NP: A few too many facts, 45 seconds are left, Macready with you Clement starting now.

CF: It is significant that in four subjects that we've had to date on this programme two have been footballers, this being the second. Eddie Macready having been an exceedingly fine practitioner of the noble art of soccer or association the game I mentioned before. He has spent a very great deal of money keeping together the club, mainly because the managers and directors of Ipswich...

NP: Um, Derek has challenged.

DN: Repetition of manager.

NP: Yes I'm afraid there was and there are 17, no, 16...

CF: Managers?

NP: ...and a half seconds starting now.

DN: One picture that I greatly treasure within my home was a picture of Sir Henry Irving...


NP: Patrick...

PM: Repetition of picture.

NP: When did he say picture before? He just started...

PM: He said one of the pictures you treasure inside your home was a picture. Which of course it was

DN: Sometimes I...

NP: No, no, no, no, no, Patrick, Patrick... Don't keep clapping him like that! He might be a guest but he's not right on this occasion.

PM: I withdraw the challenge!

NP: You can't withdraw, it's too late! He got another point for a wrong challenge! What he actually said was one of the things that I treasure particularly in my home is a picture...

PM: Well I assumed he meant a picture you see.

NP: Yes I know, we know what was going on. And we don't want to dampen your enthusiasm. Anyway...

PM: It's quite all right, I understand.

NP: But the audience must not be so partisan. there are 13 seconds for Macready with you Derek starting now.

DN: Well it's frightfully difficult to talk about Macready on this particular programme because one of the things he was most famous for was his pauses. And if you do that or illustrate one within Just A Minute you'll be immediately buzzed, won't you. But in fact he was a great giant amongst men, a giant...


NP: Well Derek Nimmo speaking as the whistle went, increased his lead at the end of that round. And I'm only sorry that Kenneth Williams who knows so much about Macready and wanted to talk about him, didn't get the subject and lost it so soon. I'm sorry about that Kenneth but that's the way it goes.

KW: You're not sorry at all!

NP: I am genuinely very deeply sorry about that. I would have liked to have heard you talk about Macready. I do know you know a lot about it.....

KW: Well I certainly do! And what I, what I know about Macready was a lot more interesting than the rubbish you heard from those two over there I can tell you!

NP: But the thing is I have to try and adjudicate in this very difficult game. So Derek Nimmo, we're back with you to start, the subject's old time music hall. Don't talk about Macready! There are 60 seconds on that starting now.

DN: One of the things about Macready was that he did like going to old time music halls. And I have a wonderful picture within my home of him sitting there at Wilton's Music Hall watching...


NP: Clement Freud.

CF: I'm sorry I didn't realise it was on the card...

NP: But you did stop him so he gets a point because you thought music hall was repetition. It's on the card, he has it. There are 50 seconds left Derek with you starting now.

DN: Tremendous atmosphere at old time music hall. Up in the gallery those lovely ladies down there singing with such. Do you know Sir Laurence Olivier or Lord once said that what destroyed the music hall was that machine over there, the microphone. It removed the bravery of the characters that performed within it. Somehow once...


NP: Patrick Moore challenged.

PM: I don't think characters perform inside a microphone!

NP Well I thought...

DN: I said music hall if you'd only listened!

PM: I was listening...

NP: I thought he'd established quite clearly at least in my mind that it was within the music hall.

PM: And he said, don't forget, he said with the microphone over there and it upset people who performed within it or something.

CF: If he said...

NP: I think you're in orbit now!

CF: If he said...

NP: What was that?

CF: If he had said that not even his plaque applauded he must be wrong!

NP: Derek Nimmo, an incorrect challenge, another point to you, 30 seconds are left old time music hall starting now

DN: Myrie Lloyd! My old man said follow the band, don't dillydally on the way. Do you remember Dan Reno of course you don't with those large feet of his standing on the stage at Drury Lane. My goodness me, it is a gone era. Unfortunately what we think of today as music hall tends to be a lot of quite elderly performers with great distinction standing on a rather frail stage...


NP: Clement Freud.

CF: Repetition of stage.

NP: You did say stage before. So Clement has a correct challenge and there are four seconds left for old time music hall starting now.

CF: I can't get my winkle out, isn't it a doer! I can't get one, has anyone here got a skewer?


NP: They...

CF: A very lovely old time music hall song.

NP: For those who may not be as old as Clement Freud and there are not many I must point out to you that is a very famous music hall song. He was not just ad-libbing. Clement er you're moving forward, catching up Patrick Moore in second place, leaving Kenneth behind a little but Derek Nimmo still in the lead. Patrick Moore your turn to begin, the subject Wagner (pronounced with a V). Will you tell us something about him in Just A Minute starting now.

PM: Wagner was a great musician. He was also a man with an inferiority complex. And the reason was simple. One day when he was very young somebody came up to him and said "Mr Wagner (pronounced with a W) I assume". And from that time on poor Wagner never knew how his designation should be pronounced. This affected his entire career and resulted at the end of his er career...


NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Repetition of career.

NP: Yes. And there are 37 seconds left for Wagner with you Clement starting now.

CF: I'm no great musicologist and there was no footballer called Wagner or Wagner (with a W). But I did remember hearing a programme about his walk which was of extraordinary interest. All sorts of people that he met...


NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: I don't think we can arouse Wagner's (with a W) walk with Wagner's (with a V) career, I must say it's deviation.

CF: I didn't mention the walk.

NP: He didn't mention Wagner's (with a W) walk, no, he was talking about Wagner's (with a V) walk and...

DN: You obviously remember the programme Nicholas!

NP: And there are 19 seconds left for you Clement still with Wagner starting now.

CF: Mozart often remarked on how very strangely Wagner put one leg before the other and Beethoven who was of course deaf did on a number of occasions set it to music. B sharp minor was the key that was used predominantly although C flat...


NP: Derek Nimmo's challenged.

DN: Deviation, it's an absolute load of rubbish!

NP: I quite agree! I'm surprised you let him go on so long! Beethoven setting Wagner's walk to music! C sharp flat! My goodness me! But I do admire your nerve and cleverness! There's a little girl fallen fast asleep over there! Two seconds with you Derek on Wagner starting now.

DN: Patrick Moore was born on the fourth of July.


NP: Well Clement Freud is moving forward having got some more points. He's caught up Patrick Moore. Kenneth Williams has stayed in the same position and Derek Nimmo's still in a strong lead. Clement we're back with you to begin. The subject is avoiding answering letters. Can you tell us something about that in Just A Minute starting now.

CF: I think any Member of Parliament who tries to avoid answering letters is a brave man who presumably is not prepared to fight at the next election. Myself I get a substantial number of letters, I'm most diligent about dictating a reply to each and every one. But I do know that Derek Nimmo to name but a view very seldom replies to communications sent to him by whatever means. I can recall one occasion some years ago when I had occasion to put pen to paper...


NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: Two occasions.

NP: Yes. There were two occasions. So Kenneth you have the subject and 30 seconds...

KW: What's the subject?

NP: I'm just about to give it to you! You've been half asleep for five minutes and now you suddenly rush in! Avoiding answering letters, starting now.

KW: This is impossible if you are a man as I am of conscience and diligence! Now...


NP: Derek Nimmo.

DN: Deviation! He isn't!

NP: I think having worked with him I know he's diligent, and I know he's a man of conscience. I will not accept it under any condition. So he will continue with 22 seconds left, avoiding answering letters, starting now.

KW: There is of course this method which a friend of mine uses whereby a printed card is sent saying that the recipient of his missive is ill and in no condition to rise supine from his posture to get to the ester twois as the French have it! Hahahahahahahahaha!



NP: I'm sorry but Clement Freud challenged before the whistle went.

KW: Yes well it was the laugh he challenged. Ha-ha-ha. Which is a comparable thing, it could be called repetitive.

NP: You are, you are rotten! You've taken it out of his mouth! He was going to say that, weren't you Clement!

CF: Mmmm.

NP: Well you did...

CF: I was actually.

NP: ... challenge before the whistle.

CF: Yeah.

NP: So it is a repetition of ha.

CF: Yes.

KW: Yes it is you're quite right. Yes you've got it.

NP: So you have a point for that Clement and half a second on avoiding answering letters starting now.

CF: Dear Sir!


NP: So Clement Freud is now catching up Derek Nimmo who is still our leader. And Kenneth Williams, your turn to begin. The subject that Ian Messiter's brought along up for you is Gol Conda. Will you talk about that for Just A Minute starting now.

KW: All I know is that it's in Hyderabad. It's a deserted city I'm told which was once a centre for diamond trading. But of course Patrick Moore is the kind of man that would be infinitely more expert on this sort of subject than I am.


NP: Patrick...

PM: Deviation! Quite wrong! I know nothing about diamonds at all!

NP: Oh well I mean do I lnow that? So do I give it to you if... I have to take your word don't I? We assume people...

PM: No I'll give it to him! I'll be generous!

KW: No, I was giving it to you, you great ninny!

NP: You want to give it to him? Who wants it? Kenneth has the subject still, 45 seconds, Gol Conda starting now.

KW: Here they see... Oh no! I can't!


NP: Derek you got Gol Conda...

DN: He packed up.

KW: All I know is that it's in Hyderabad! That's all I know.

NP: Yes. Well there are 43 seconds to see if Derek can tell us a bit about Gol Conda starting now.

DN: The great Nizam of Hyderabad with all his wealth which sultan tepou came down to try to take from him all those many years ago. Gosh I was there the other day. I wandered through Jaipur and Nudipor. Got the plane down to Bangalore and went to see for my first time this magnificent old ruined city. And somehow one thought of the great mobiled mongulled hordes coming out...


NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Hesitation.

NP: Yes. So Gol Conda's with you now Clement and there are 17 seconds left starting now.

CF: Gol Conda in its heyday was indeed a centre for precious stones and was ruled over by a Queen who was called Qutb which was spelt q-u-t-b...


NP: Patrick Moore's challenged.

PM: Hesitation.

NP: No...

PM: Yes, he hiccuped over Qutb!

NP: No, he was just emphasising...

CF: That is how you pronounce it!

PM: Oh I see! You're talking Indian! I see!

CF: It is by far and away...

NP: How do you pronounce Qutb any differently?

PM: Qutb!

NP: Well I prefer Clement Freud, I'm sorry! It's less wet. There are eight seconds with you Clement still on Gol Conda starting now.

CF: But a filly called Gol Conda by Gulfidor which won the Derby some years ago is exceedingly fast over soft going, about five, six furlongs...


NP: Well I have just received a message that we have no more time. First of all give a point to Clement Freud for speaking when the whistle went and let me now tell you what the final score was in this game of Just A Minute. Well um Kenneth Williams giving us full value for money finished in fourth place, but only one... no, no, he's always good! Only one point behind our guest Patrick Moore. He was four points behind Clement Freud who was battling all the time to overtake Derek Nimmo who gained a commanding lead early on and finished up our winner. So would you now congratulate Derek Nimmo. We do hope that you've enjoyed this edition and will want to tune in again. Until then from all of us here goodbye.


ANNOUNCER: The chairman of Just A Minute was Nicholas Parsons. The programme was devised by Ian Messiter and produced by John Browell.

NOTE: This was Kenneth Williams' diary entry for Friday 29 October 1976: "Went to the Paris Studio for JAM. It was awful. Patrick Moore successfully changing my line on Macready: 'One of the great actor managers of England' by saying 'England's never been managed' and the idiot Parsons allowing it! Oh my loathing for this rotten game!"