Note: This was transcribed by Vicki Walker. Thank you Vicki! :-) Patrick Moore's last appearance.

ANNOUNCER: We present Kenneth Williams, Clement Freud, Derek Nimmo and Patrick Moore in Just A Minute. And as the Minute Waltz fades away, here to tell you about it is our chairman, Nicholas Parsons.

NICHOLAS PARSONS: Thank you, hello and welcome to Just A Minute. And as you've just heard, we welcome back for the first time in this series to play the game with three of our regulars, Patrick Moore. Patrick is going to pit his wits and his incredible verbal dexterity against that of our three regulars, who have shown theirs to great effect in Just a Minute. And as usual they're going to try and speak if they can on the subject that I will give them and do it without hesitating, repeating themselves or deviating from the subject on the card. And we begin the show with Kenneth Williams, and who better? And the subject, Kenneth, is overdoing it. Something which I know you have never done in Just a Minute! But would you talk on that subject for 60 seconds, starting now.

KENNETH WILLIAMS: It usually means giving undue stress to a subject or indeed a word which the audience feels is not warranted. For as our great Shakespeare rightly says, "The purpose of playing was and is to hold as 'twere the mirror up to nature, show virtue her own feature, scorn his own image, and the very age and body of time his form and pressure." Now this overdone...


NP: Uh, Patrick Moore has challenged.

PATRICK MOORE: Shakespeare didn't say that. It sounded like Martian to me!

NP: I think Shakespeare wrote it, I don't know whether he ever said it.

PM: Well, he didn't, no.

NP: No, no. So I think that's a very good challenge.

PM: Thank you.

NP: He wrote it, but he didn't say it. So, um, Patrick, you have the point...

CLEMENT FREUD: You can't really mean you think that's a good challenge!

NP: Yes there we are, but everybody has an opinion, it's mine to give a decision and Patrick you have the decision, you have a point for a correct challenge and there are 35 seconds left for overdoing it, starting now.

PM: I would personally never dream of overdoing it. I'm not quite sure what is meant by this term. It is one of those negative things which is extremely difficult to define. After all, how does one in fact go about this kind of thing? I really do not know. I think I'm probably talking nonsense.


NP: Uh, Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: He repeated I think.

NP: He did!

CF: Twice more than once.

NP: Yes. And Clement, you have a point for a correct challenge and you take over the subject of overdoing it, and there are 20 seconds left starting now.

CF: I would say a fair definition of overdoing it is to give undue stress to one word over another so the meaning of what you intended to say is distorted in the ears of your audience. Kenneth Williams is an expert on overdoing it. I've been sitting next to him now for some 12 years...



NP: And Patrick Moore challenged just before the whistle.

PM: You've not been sitting here for 12 years. You've been sitting next to him for four and a half minutes!

NP: Oh, I think metaphorically speaking in Just a Minute...

PM: Aha, but he was not talking metaphorically. He said he'd, he said he'd been sitting next to Kenneth Williams for 12 years. I can prove that it's not true. He has made speeches in the House of Commons; Kenneth Williams has not been by his side. The statement is manifestly untrue.

CF: Yes, that's true.

NP: I think, I think logically, eh, you are overdoing it. And he wasn't deviating from the subject on the card, so he has half a second left starting now.

CF: Tony Benn!


NP: And when Ian Messiter blows his whistle, it tells us that 60 seconds is up and whoever is speaking at that moment gains an extra point. And it was Clement Freud, who has the lead at the end of the round. And Clement, will you begin the next round? And the subject is celebrations. Will you tell us something about those in Just A Minute starting now.

CF: Perhaps the most significant celebration in our family occurs on the 24th of April, which is my birthday. One year we decided to open the flat, and although nobody came, the lady from downstairs decided to pay 12 and a half p and view the apartment because I play the tuba most of the night. She asked me why I did this and I explained that it was to stop her banging on the ceiling, which she did during the nocturnal hours at around the time that I practiced the musical instrument which I have just mentioned. But celebrations generally tend to be confined to Easter, Whitsun, bank holidays and perhaps above all Christmas, when people eat very much...


NP: Uh, Derek Nimmo has challenged.

DEREK NIMMO: Repetition of people.

NP: Yes, you did say people before, and Derek now has a point and is going to speak for the first time with 16 seconds left on the subject of celebrations.

DN: I absolutely adore celebrations of any kind! When I can pour into a great loving cup a mass of champagne, quaff it down and then try not to overdo it. Swill it down inside my throat, and then I am filled with excitement...


NP: Uh, Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: Two downs.

NP: Yes, you've put in too much. You certainly tried to down far too much there and, uh, Kenneth listened well. Five seconds are left, on celebrations, Kenneth, starting now.

KW: Well, of course, the most exciting are the celebrations of the nuptial rights. Now that's...


NP: Well, Kenneth Williams was speaking...

KW: That means yes, I've scored, right? I'm in the lead?

NP: Yes, you've scored; no, you're not.

KW: Oh.

NP: You're in second place, one behind Clement Freud, and you did get that all-important extra point for speaking as the whistle went. Derek Nimmo, will you begin the next round? The subject: Creating happiness. Will you tell us something about that in Just A Minute starting now.

DN: I think it's very important to try to create happiness these days. So much effort goes into creating misery that to actually create happiness seems to be so much more positive. And so easy it is to do. Because one could start off the day with a little paper bag filled with dolly mixtures and as you pass children on the street, you can give them one of these pieces of confectionary. And how grateful they are, don't you find that? You can see lame dogs, help them across roads; blind beggars on every corner, slip them a penny farthing if that suffices, and probably it is, isn't it? Yes? No? Oh, whatever, never mind, to create a little happiness. Christmas crackers are another way of creating happiness. Find a stray fellow, go up to him with your piece of paper, ask him to pull one end. Off it goes, bang! And then comes out a lovely little novelty, perhaps a key chain, and they say, "Oh, gosh, I feel so much better today!" And I do agree with them and I kiss them both. That is, if they've got two cheeks, if you see what I mean. You probably don't. I'm not too sure either! But to create happiness, I think, is something which we can do very simply sometimes...


NP: So Derek Nimmo started with the subject and continued until the 60-second whistle, um, blew and ah, wasn't interrupted and he didn't deviate, hesitate or repeat himself. And so he gets a point for speaking as the whistle went and that bonus point for not being interrupted, so he's now equal in the lead with Clement Freud. Patrick Moore, will you take the next round? The subject: The silicon chip. I'm sure you know more about that than any of us here, so will you tell us something about it in 60 seconds, starting now?

PM: I was offered a silicon chip quite recently. I went to a restaurant. It was, in fact, a Greek restaurant...


NP: Uh, Derek Nimmo.

DN: He went to two restaurants.

NP: There were two restaurants you went to.

PM: I did.

NP: Uh, but you repeated the word restaurant, which is incorrect in Just a Minute, so Derek takes the subject and there are 53 seconds on the silicon chip, starting now.

DN: As Kenneth Williams was saying to me, most amusingly before the performance started this evening, he said Patrick Moore looks like a great big unmade double bed! With a silicon chip...


NP: Patrick Moore has challenged.

PM: Manifestly untrue.

DN: Can we put it to the audience?

PM: I only have two legs. A bed has four legs, I have only two. I can prove it.

DN: Yes.

PM: Therefore I do not look like a bed.

NP: Well, not like a bed, but um, ah...

PM: Yes, you were saying? It may be true, as somebody once said, that I gave every impression of having been somewhat hastily constructed, but that's not the same thing.

NP: Like an unmade bed.

PM: No, no.

NP: Yes, he was not talking on the silicon chip, so he was talking about you as an unmade bed, which is deviation. And there are 46 seconds for you to take over the subject again, Patrick, starting now.

PM: As I was saying before being so rudely interrupted, I went...


NP: Uh, Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: Deviation. He's supposed to be talking about silicon chips, not about being interrupted.

NP: Yes, but he's got to start somehow, otherwise you can say the first word he says is deviation! No, he'd been going for three seconds only. So Patrick, that was a wrong challenge. You still keep the subject and you have 43 seconds on the silicon chip, starting now.

PM: The silicon chip was served to me upon a plate.


NP: Uh, Derek Nimmo.

DN: He's had two servings. He's served, the chip was served to him before in the first time he's talked.

NP: Yes, well done, Derek. Forty seconds, the silicon chip, starting now.

DN: It really has totally changed our life, has it not? I have a watch on my wrist at this moment...


NP: Uh, Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: Deviation. He says it's changed our lives, it hasn't changed mine one iota! Therefore, it's deviation and I challenge on that basis! As I have the right to do under the rules of this game.

NP: That's right, you challenge rightly and you are incorrect. Um, he's entitled to his opinion, he hasn't deviated from the subject, so he still keeps it. And, uh, Derek you have 36 seconds on the silicon chip, starting now.

DN: The... particular timepiece...


NP: And Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Hesitation.

NP: Yes, I agree.

KW: Yes, you hesitated, yes.

NP: And you now have the silicon chip, Clement Freud. And there are 34 seconds, starting now.

CF: I must say, like Kenneth Williams, the silicon chip has not changed my life one iota, although my daughter Nicola is going to give me a game which is activated by a silicon chip and therefore costs rather more than if it had a battery or an electric light bulb to generate whatever motor there may be inside it. The silicon chip is something which unions are incredibly worried about, because they feel that unemployment will rise infinitely while silicon chips take the place of workers who are currently assembling electrical module...


NP: Well, a lot of points were scored in that round, including one by Clement Freud for speaking as the whistle went. But Derek Nimmo got most and he's now one ahead of Clement Freud in second place and he's only one ahead of Patrick Moore, and Kenneth is only trailing a little. Kenneth, it's your turn to begin and the subject is Edward Lear. So will you tell us something about him in Just A Minute starting now.

KW: He was born in London and was sent by the Earl of Derby to Italy and Greece to do this landscape painting which he was obsessed by and very good, exhibited at the Royal Academy. But not as an academician that he is known because the nonsense rhymes which he published became enormously famous, things like the Dong with the Luminous Nose and the Walrus and the Carpenter. Oh...


NP: Ah, Patrick Moore challenged.

PM: Don't think the Walrus and the Carpenter was by Lear?

NP: No, it wasn't. It was Lewis Carroll.

PM: Yes, it was Lewis Carroll, yes.

KW: Oh, what a pity.

NP: Yes, I know.

KW: Anyway, the Dong with the Luminous Nose is Lear.

NP: Yes, that is definitely Lear.

KW: And I got that in first, so it shows that I'm not illiterate.

NP: And you proved that to us...

CF: But he might have become very well known for the Walrus and the Carpenter.

KW: Precisely! He might have well done. That's a very good... I'm glad you brought that up. I'm very glad he made that point, you see.

NP: Yes, but Patrick Moore's now going to talk on the subject of Edward Lear with 29 seconds left starting now.

PM: Edward Lear was by no means like Lewis Carroll. The two are entirely different. Lear...


NP: Uh, Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: Deviation. The subject is Edward Lear, not Lewis Carroll.

NP: I know, but he was comparing the two and he was still talking about Edward Lear, so it wasn't deviation. Twenty-four seconds are left with Edward Lear still with you, Patrick, starting now.

PM: Edward Lear produced a volume of splendid poetry. It was not orthodox verse. It was in many ways totally different from the general situation. It was, I may say, one of those... strange phenomenon...


NP: Uh, Clement Freud.

CF: Hesitation.

NP: I think so, yes.

PM: Yes, I am bound to agree. You are absolutely right, Clement. I am bound to say you are quite right and I, I, I accept your rebuke.

CF: So we can manage without a chairman!

PM: Yes, you can, yes. Yes.

NP: Thirteen seconds are left for Edward Lear with Clement Freud starting now.

CF: One of the most difficult things about Edward Lear's poetry is that he is enormously repetitive. And if one were to say, for instance, "He went to sea in a sieve, they did," the next verse, the next line would...


NP: Uh, Derek Nimmo.

DN: Sorry, repetition.

NP: The next, yes. There are two seconds for you on Edward Lear, Derek, starting now.

DN: At Moseley Hall, the Earl of Derby...


NP: So Derek Nimmo got in with only two seconds to go, got that all-important extra point. He's still one ahead of Clement Freud, who's now equal in second place with Patrick Moore. And Derek, will you begin the next round? The subject: Malacca. Will you tell us something about that in just a minute starting now.

DN: If one drives north from Jonor Baharu some 70 miles along the Taramacadam road, one comes to the beautiful, Portuguese-founded city of Malacca, quite one of the most beautiful parts of the Malaysian peninsula. Founded, as I said, by the people from Portugal in about 1507, the very first trading post that they established in Asia. And there it was that St. Francis Xavier was first buried before being taken to Goa. The Dutch took it in about 1640 and then swapped it with the British for a piece of Sumatra...


DN: ...in the 18th century.

NP: Uh, Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Repetition of beautiful.

NP: Yes, that was a long time ago. How very clever of you.

DN: Of beautiful!

CF: Well, he went on a bit.

NP: Yes, he was very kind. He let you go on a bit but right at the beginning you repeated beautiful, and, uh, Clement, you come in with 27 seconds left...

CF: As long as that, is it?

NP: Ah, I see what you were playing at. Anyway, the subject is Malacca and you start now.


NP: Uh, Kenneth Williams.

KW: That was hesitation.

NP: Yes, well done, Kenneth. And generously played by Clement with 26 seconds on Malacca starting now.

KW: Well, of course it's the place that they produce the oil and they have these anti-Malacca covers on the cars that they seek, you see. And...


NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Oil called Mecassa.

KW: Oh, that's right. It had Mecassa on the cars. And this place produces canes. Malacca canes, that's what I meant to say, Malacca canes. And they used to use them as a sort of swag or stick, you understand.

NP: Um, ah, Kenneth, save it in case you...

KW: They used to walk down -- Eh? What?

NP: Save it in case you get in. Because you've been challenged for deviating.

KW: Oh! Oh! I beg your pardon. Oh! I withdraw, I withdraw.

NP: Nineteen seconds with you, Derek, on Malacca starting now.

DN: Sitting outside the old Shar Hotel in Malacca, I was sipping at a planter's punch which I followed with a Singapore Sling, which is made out of cherry brandy, gin and an assortment of fruit juices.


NP: Uh, Clement Freud.

CF: Deviation. Why couldn't the planter sip at his own punch?

NP: Oh, very, very ingenious. Sipping on the planter's punch, we knew what he meant! It was the drink and it was his own drink and, ah, well tried. And seven seconds still with Derek Nimmo on Malacca.

DN: From Kuala Lumpur one goes through Port Dixon to arrive at the astonishing site of this huge, great cathedral.


NP: Well, at the end of that round Derek Nimmo increased his lead. He's now one ahead of Derek... sorry, he was in second place before. He's now one ahead of Clement Freud and three ahead of Patrick and quite a few ahead of Kenneth Williams. And Patrick Moore, your turn to begin and the subject is saving power. Will you tell us something about that in Just A Minute starting now.

PM: Saving power. This is one of the most important tasks facing us in our world today. Look at the tides! These great waters come sweeping into the coast, carrying immense volumes of water with them every hour of the day and also, I may say, of the night. This is due chiefly to the influence of the moon, needless to say. But all the same, the power there is going to waste and it is this which today, in this earth of ours which we are so busily desecrating, every minute, every second, every millisecond...


PM: I'm sorry.

NP: Derek Nimmo.

DN: Rather a lot of everys.

NP: There were rather a lot of everys, yes. He was really getting worked up to it there so we'd all like to stand up and cheer and wave our Union Jacks but ah, alas, too many everys. And ah Derek Nimmo's in with 20, sorry, 30 and a half seconds on saving power starting now.

DN: One of the ways in which one can save power is to vastly increase the price of petrol so therefore people would not be able to use motorcars and power will be conserved. I think, though, as Mr Moore so rightly said, we must begin to think of other ways of obtaining power rather than just thinking of oil and natural resources within the earth. Particularly, one ought to look towards the sun.


NP: Uh, Clement Freud.

CF: Repetition of look.

NP: Yes, that is right, and nine seconds are left for, no, eight seconds, saving power, Clement, starting now.

CF: I think by far the best way of saving power is to double glaze and insulate and find efficient ways of retaining heat...


NP: Well, now ah, ah, Derek Nimmo and Clement Freud are equal in the lead ahead of Patrick Moore and Kenneth Williams, and Kenneth, your turn to begin. The subject is what to say to a friend in hospital. Will you tell us something on that subject in 60 seconds starting now.

KW: Well, after you've got through the conventional "how are you today" stuff, the thing is to warn them against these militant bullies who are called nurses. I was faced with an aggressive creature who said she'd been trained at baths and insisted that I lie upon this bit of rubber. And I said, "I can't! It draws my skin! Remove the offending...


NP: Ah, Patrick Moore has challenged.

PM: Deviation. Kenneth is describing what was said to him in hospital!

NP: Yes.

PM: And it was meant to be what you said to a friend in hospital.

NP: Friend in hospital, yes, it's what happened to you in hospital and what they said to you. We were very interested. Uh, there are 27 seconds for you, uh, um, Patrick, to tell us what to say to a friend in hospital starting now.

PM: If I go to see a friend in hospital and he's not particularly well, my main efforts are to...


NP: Derek Nimmo has...

DN: Well, there's not much point to going to see him unless he's unwell, is there, really?

NP: Well, some people can be recovering. Some people can be convalescing.

DN: Certainly. Oh, right.

NP: So I don't think that was deviating from the subject.

DN: That was an interesting observation.

NP: So, Patrick, you still keep it and there are 21 seconds on what to say to a friend in hospital starting now.

PM: My main wish is to, not to cast an atmosphere of gloom and depression and morbidity. One must be cheerful all the time. Say, "Don't worry, you may not be in this unfortunate place, this hospital for so very much longer. It could only be a matter of, shall we say, six months? A year, no more than that. And one day...


NP: And if you kept on in that vein, it'd be enough to finish him off, wouldn't it? Anyway, Patrick, you kept going, no one interrupted you, got the extra point for speaking as the whistle went and you pulled up to second place behind our joint leaders, only one point behind them. And Clement Freud, will you begin the next round? The subject: digs. Tell us something about those in Just A Minute, starting now.

CF: If you are ever hard pressed to find digs, I do suggest that you go to a hospital and see if they haven't got a bed somewhere, and if they haven't, you can always try approaching a friend with the words, "If you don't get better soon, I shall send Lord Longford to visit you," which has been known to clear whole wards in institutions of this kind. I had digs for a time while I was in the Army because Her Majesty's forces, unable to accommodate me in the barracks which were provided for that purpose, found a friendly landlady who said that for one pound 12 and ninepence, and I would remind people that this was before decimilisation, bed, breakfast with a slice of bacon at this primary meal of the day...


NP: Uh, Patrick Moore has challenged.

PM: Repetition of bed.

NP: Uh, yes. You did say bed, hospital bed.

CF: Went pretty well, didn't it? The audience...

NP: Yes. One had to think right back...

PM: Mmm, so did I. So did I.

NP: ...and pull the words out of the recesses of one's mind, such as it is. Um, there are 14 seconds left on digs. You have the subject, Patrick, starting now.

PM: Digs are, of course, of various kinds, Roman, Greek, even Arabian. I have myself taken part in excavating ancient remains, and these are a tremendous archaeological interest because one never knows exactly what...


NP: Well, now our guest Patrick Moore has pulled ahead with his ingenuity and keeping going till the whistle went. He's now one ahead of our joint second place, Derek Nimmo and Clement Freud. And Kenneth Williams is still in the race, but he'll have to work very hard. Not in the game, because he always does that. Derek, your turn to begin and the subject, habits. Will you tell us something about those in Just A Minute, starting now?

DN: Well, I suppose you can have dirty habits and you can have clean habits and a monk's wear them and very nice it is, too. I once remember wandering around St. Peter's Square in Rome dressed as a man who lived in a monastery and so-ho! out to me came this frightfully pretty girl...


NP: Patrick Moore challenged.

PM: I withdraw on that challenge. He was laughing. I thought he was hesitating. I withdraw it.

NP: No, he kept going. You can't withdraw in this game.

PM: Oh, I challenge on hesitation, then.

NP: No! I know, and it's wrong, he kept going...

PM: Yes, I can see.

NP: -- magnificently through the laughter...

PM: I'm sorry.

DN: That's quite all right.

NP: -- and so he has another point.

PM: I do apologize.

DN: My fellow, don't worry, don't worry. It's only a game.

PM: I'm forgiven, then.

DN: Oh, you're certainly...

PM: Actually, yes.

NP: Oh, shut up, Patrick! Your head's in the stars half the time. There are 47 seconds on habits, Derek, with you starting now.

DN: The habits of the little lesser spotted thrush intrigue me greatly. I was watching one sitting on a little nest...


NP: Uh, Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Two littles.

NP: Yes, the little...

DN: Absolutely right.

NP: Yes. Clement, you have the subject now. There are 48 seconds left, sorry, 38 seconds, on habits, starting now.

CF: The habits of the lesser spotted Derek Nimmo have interested many people over the years. He gets up early in thr morning with a "Ho!" and a happy expression which frightens the living daylights out of his wife and family, because they frequently tell me and occasionally telephone me in complaint. He then gets up and partakes of...


NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: I got up twice.

NP: Yes, you did, you're already up. Uh, so there are 15 seconds for you, Derek, on habits, starting now.

DN: The habits of the greater bearded Freud are unpleasant indeed, and his wife seldom sees him anymore because she can't bear to see that great head leer...


NP: Ah, Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Repetition of see.

NP: Yes, well, she has seen you more than once. There are five seconds on habits with you, Clement, starting now.

CF: I mourn the loss of riding habits which ladies took...


NP: Well, a lot of points were scored in that round, but most of them went to Clement Freud so he's now in the lead ahead of Derek Nimmo, followed by Patrick Moore and followed by Kenneth Williams. Patrick, your turn to begin and the subject is scientific disputes, starting now.

PM: Scientific disputes have gone on over the centuries. They began in the demi-distant past, no doubt with the Greeks. And they were, above all, innovators. They thought...


NP: Uh, Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Well, I mean, he said they began with the Greeks. Well, the Egyptians must have had scientific disputes before the Greeks.

PM: How do you know? Were you there?

DN: No, but you weren't there either.

NP: No, he did actually say they were innovators but doesn't um, well, this is a scientific judgment of his and therefore we allow him that scientific license.

DN: Right.

NP: And so he keeps the subject and there are 50 seconds left on scientific disputes starting now.

PM: Men such as Archimedes were by no means averse to indulging in argument. Neither were their successors, the Romans, who were, of course, very famous for getting on with the job, something that's not done today. But disputes continued right into the Middle Ages. Men such as Isaac Newton, that tremendously famous mathematician and, I may say, an astronomer, the chap who worked out the way in which the planets go around the sun and even explained their movements in very considerable detail at a time when no one else had the slightest idea of what was going on. There were disputes there. The great man Robert Hook, he followed...


PM: Yes, I know.

NP: Uh, Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Great man.

PM: Yes, yes, yes, yes.

NP: Yes, there were so many great men, er...

PM: Well, there were! They were very great men.

NP: Yes, and all in dispute. So, um, there are 11 seconds for you Derek, on the subject of scientific disputes, starting now.

DN: If one returns again to the days of Archimedes, one traces one of the earliest scientific dispute...


NP: Clement Freud.

CF: Three ones in 11 words, which I think is repetition.

NP: Yes, and as this is the last round with only a few seconds to go, I have to be very fair on this one. So, Clement, correct. You have four and a half seconds, scientific disputes, starting now.

CF: It was argued that the square on the hypotenuse may not in fact be equal...


NP: Well, as I said a few moments ago, it was the last round and only a few seconds to go. Clement Freud kept going until the whistle, got that extra point, and now to give you the final score: Kenneth Williams, you won't be surprised to hear, did actually finish in fourth place, but he gave his usual good value and we wouldn't be without him. Patrick Moore, our guest, kept his pecker up and everything else up and did incredibly well for an unmade bed and kept going magnificently. He nearly beat our two regulars. He got a magnificent 13 points. He was one behind Derek Nimmo with 14 points but our leader with, our winner, with only 17 points was, at the last moment, Clement Freud. Well, we hope you've enjoyed this edition of Just a Minute and will want to tune in again at the same time next week when we take to the air and we play this delightful game. Until then, from all of us here, goodbye.


ANNOUNCER: The chairman of Just a Minute was Nicholas Parsons. The program was devised by Ian Messiter and produced by David Hatch.