JAM:KWilliams,DNimmo,CFreud,SHancock
WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE!

starring KENNETH WILLIAMS, DEREK NIMMO, CLEMENT FREUD and SHEILA HANCOCK, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 16 December 1974)

NOTE: Kenneth Williams's 150th appearance.


THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: We present Kenneth Williams, Derek Nimmo, Clement Freud and Sheila Hancock in Just A Minute. And as the Minute Waltz fades away here to tell you about it is our chairman Nicholas Parsons.

NICHOLAS PARSONS: Thank you, thank you very much indeed, hello and welcome to Just A Minute. And once again we have four of our keenest and our regular competitors of the game. So let us right away get on with the proceedings. And as usual I will ask them if they can speak for just one minute on some subject I will give them without hesitation, without repetition, and without deviating from the subject which is on the card in front of me. And we'll begin the show this week with Derek Nimmo. Derek can you speak on the subject of the Naismith steam hammer drop forging process. A subject that Ian Messiter's thought of to start the programme...

DEREK NIMMO: Hang on, hang on, hang on, the Naismith who, steam hammer?

NP: The Naismith steam hammer drop forging process. It's absolutely genuine, we will have 60 seconds starting now.

DN: Well I'm so glad for the first time in all the years that I've played this programme that I've actually been given a subject that I know something about. The Naismith steam hammer drop forging process, the first Naismith came over, he was a Huguenot, came over from what is now the Netherlands. And he arrived in Norfolk at the turn of the 17th century. And there he started in the wool trade. And his grandson went up to the Potterage, Stoke-on-Trent it was. And there he met, well, first of all, Wheeldon and Astray and Enoch Wood the elder. And that was a tremendous influence on his life because whilst working, making these lovely clay figures, he found the need for the drop forging process. And getting into his little house where it was, very pretty, semi-detached it was I remember, with green curtains, he one day drew up the plans for the Naismith steam hammer drop forging process. Went along to his boss, come up the morn and said "here you are, whatho, look what I have for you..."

WHISTLE

SHEILA HANCOCK: Is that true?

NP: Well...

DN: And if I may say that was an absolute load of rubbish!

NP: You don't need to emphasise the fact, it was obvious to all of us, Derek. But nobody buzzed in, he kept going for 60 seconds so he gets a bonus point for speaking when the whistle went. So at the end of that round Derek Nimmo has a commanding lead of two over all the others, if only for the fact that the others have yet to speak. So now we will move on to Kenneth Williams. Kenneth, nice to hear from you at last, the subject, oh for you, sauciness. Talk about that for 60 seconds starting now.

KENNETH WILLIAMS: Well I suppose it could be applied to these things you shove on food. On the other hand it could be the impertinence that is often off, oh...

BUZZ

NP: Sheila Hancock challenged.

SH: Hesitation.

KW: I think that's very ungallant of you.

SH: Well I am ungallant.

KW: Yes you can say that again! Always pulling this rights stuff! It's disgraceful isn't it!

NP: So you get a point for a correct challenge Sheila, you take over the subject of sauciness, 52 seconds left starting now.

SH: Sauciness usually means something rather cheeky. As for instance those postcards that you can buy at the seaside with rather rude things written underneath and fat ladies and men with red noses. Also I suppose garters and black suspenders and things like that are considered slightly saucy. Kenneth Williams occasionally can be saucy as when he accuses me...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo has challenged.

DN: Repetition of saucy, the subject is sauciness.

NP: Yes.

SH: Oh that's true.

NP: You're allowed to repeat the subject on the card, Sheila...

SH: Yes.

NP: ... which is sauciness, but you repeated saucy. So Derek has a correct challenge, a point and there are 26 seconds left Derek starting now.

DN: I often like to go to Scotland for my holidays particularly to Loch Ness, and you know that if you go there during the mating season, oh Nessie's very saucy...

BUZZ

DN: What?

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CLEMENT FREUD: Hello.

NP: Is that your challenge?

CF: Deviation, there is no mating season for the Loch Ness monster.

NP: He didn't actually mention the Loch Ness monster. I imagined that all the locals up there were mating. And I don't think he was deviating from the subject on the card so he keeps it and has 17, 18 seconds for sauciness starting now.

DN: Those lovely postcards at Brighton of big fat men saying underneath "when did you last see your little willy?" I always like them, I laugh till the drains flow...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged you.

KW: I don't believe this laughing till the drains flow.

NP: No!

KW: I think that's deviation and if such an occurrence should happen it would be mostly inhygienic.

CF: Insanitary sanitation!

KW: Yes, unhygienic, insanitary but sanitation.

NP: I think he got the wrong word, laugh till the something else flows, till the er, tears flow he was trying to say, he said the drains. Maybe his tear ducts are like drains, we don't know. But Kenneth I agree with your challenge, seven seconds on sauciness starting now.

KW: It could be described as the proud man's contumely, or the insolence of office. I myself have experienced...

WHISTLE

NP: Well Kenneth Williams was then speaking when the whistle went, so he has gained a point, an extra point for that. And at the end of that round, Derek Nimmo has increased his lead. He is two ahead of Kenneth Williams, he's three ahead of Sheila Hancock, and Clement Freud for once has yet to score. But Clement Freud will now speak, having said hello. And the subject for him to speak on is my rights in this programme. That's a very apt subject isn't it. That's the subject, 60 seconds starting now.

CF: My rights in this programme are absolutely negligible. Every now and again I am allowed to go outside and help the audience who are sheltering under nothing at all, not to come into the theatre which is empty and waiting for their arrival. I am very grateful to the BBC for allowing me to do this...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo has challenged.

DN: Repetition of B. BBC.

NP: BBC, yes. Derek well listened, 30 seconds on my rights in this programme starting now.

DN: My favourite right in this programme is to look across at old Freud and Kenneth sometimes smiling away...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Deviation.

NP: Why?

CF: I'm C Freud, I don't know who O Freud is.

NP: That's another one of those impossible interpretations.

DN: He's old! He must be old!

NP: So what is your challenge Clement?

KW: Deviation.

NP: Deviation? Deviation from old Freud?

CF: I thought he said O Freud.

DN: No, old Freud, old!

NP: He said old Freud.

KW: That's deviation too, he's not old.

NP: I mean do you wish me to put it to the audience, whether they think you're old or not? All right, if you think Clement Freud is old, will you cheer, and if you don't think he's old, will you boo, and will you all do it together now!

CHEERS AND BOOS FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: They all think you're very young Clement! So he was deviating so you've got a point from the audience. You haven't got it from me and there are 19 seconds on my rights in this programme starting now.

CF: My rights in this programme are to meet genuine and realistic observations and receive the total acknowledgement and contentment of these lovely people who have come here on this evening. And Kenneth Williams, sitting on my right, there is no-one on my left, nods his head...

WHISTLE

NP: Clement Freud with some help and encouragement from the audience then, moved forward, he's now in second place behind Derek Nimmo. Sheila your turn to begin, and the subject is names. Would you talk on that simple one word subject, 60 seconds starting now.

SH: This is a subject very close to my heart at the moment as I am expecting a baby shortly and haven't the slightest idea what to call it. I am surrounded by those books that give you names from A to Z, and still I can't make up my mind. Any suggestions would be very welcome. The other thing...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo's challenged.

DN: Fred!

SH: Thank you!

NP: All right...

SH: It shall be Fred!

NP: It shall be Fred. So give Derek a point for an amusing challenge which the audience enjoyed, value for money. Sheila keeps the subject, she continues on names and Sheila there are 40 seconds left starting now.

SH: I have the most terrible trouble remembering people's names when I'm introduced. And I heard a broadcast just recently when a man suggested that when you are given somebody's name, you should look at their face and try and link that said name with something about their appearance. Trying to do it with this team for instance, if one took Clement Freud, I suppose that name could be vaguely related to fried and if you think of eggs done in the way, perhaps his eyes are remotely like that one might remember...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Repetition of remember.

NP: Oh you, you challenged her over that one. There are two seconds for you Clement on names starting now.

CF: Fred, William, Harry...

WHISTLE

NP: Clement Freud then gained the point for speaking as the whistle went. Derek is still in the lead, Clement in second place and Kenneth and Sheila in third place. And Derek your turn to begin, we're back with you, the subject, bangers, 60 seconds starting now.

DN: I once had a 1938 Buick which was my favourite banger that I've ever possessed. And it only did eight miles to the gallon which was a tremendous handicap. And when I first bought it, it developed a hole in the petrol tank. And one way day driving from Liverpool to...

BUZZ

NP: Sheila Hancock.

SH: One way day.

DN: One way day. We have a one way street and we have a one way day. What's the matter?

NP: Sheila you have a point and you have 45 seconds on bangers starting now.

SH: There is nothing nicer to eat than bangers and mash, particularly of they're cooked...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo has challenged.

DN: There is!

NP: You may think there is, Sheila doesn't, so she wasn't deviating from the subject and she has 40 seconds to continue on bangers starting now.

SH: On a barbecue, and to do this you have to have your charcoal...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud.

CF: Repetition of have.

NP: Oh it's too mean, have.

SH: Have to have, yes.

NP: But it's correct. All right, 35 seconds, bangers, with you Clement starting now.

CF: In France they call their bangers sauseesont, and perhaps the best sausage of all is one made by pouring champagne on to the hot meat which sort of drinks up the moisture and becomes absolutely delicious. You add mace, spices, pepper, salt, and with the fat taken from the pig...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo has challenged.

DN: Two pigs.

NP: There were two pigs.

DN: Pig meat and pig.

CF: Pig meat, hyphen.

DN: It isn't.

NP: Well you used the word pig whether with a hyphen or not. You used the word pig and there are 12 seconds on bangers with Derek starting now.

DN: My favourite banger is made from the goat...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams.

KW: We've already been told his favourite banger's a Buick, now he says it's made from a goat. Now which banger is he talking about?

DN: A different kind.

KW: The deviation here is profound and I suggest the subject be given to me, as the proper custodian.

NP: I think in view of the situation, probably the best thing we can do as we haven't heard from you for a time and you have eight seconds on bangers Kenneth starting now.

KW: The experience that stays in my memory inextricably connected with these aforesaid...

WHISTLE

NP: Kenneth it's your turn to begin and the subject is Czar Nicholas The First. I don't know how much you about that particular Czar, but could you talk about it for 60 seconds starting now.

KW: Well he was a great autocrat, there's little doubt about that. And some question as to his ascendancy, because his brother, Constantine, was older. This gave rise to what was known as the Decembrist conspiracy. They tried, abortively albeit, to do him in. But with the heavy hand and this awful sort of grandeur and militaristic stance, he was said to have invoked the Crimean War. And Prince Rudetsky who defended the guns when Cardigan rushed up and said "go on, get out of it, you load of fool popinjays," all dressed up in this gold facing, and red reveres they had on. Looked very nice, mind you, but of course the light brigade was wiped out as you well know. And Victoria said after all, she said, they should never have been allowed...

BUZZ

NP: She said.

SH: Yes.

NP: Oh you are rotten! He only had five seconds to go.

SH: Well he keeps buzzing me when I've only got five seconds to go!

NP: Yes you're quite right Sheila. He was very interesting though, wasn't he. Very very interesting. Give him a round of applause for being...

APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: We now know Kenneth really knows his Russian history. So, but he said say he said, she said, quite a lot. Four seconds left Sheila starting now.

SH: Czar Nicholas The First was in fact the first to be called Nicholas...

WHISTLE

NP: Ah Sheila is now in second place, equal with Clement, behind Derek Nimmo. And Clement your turn to begin, the art of toleration. Can you talk on that subject Clement for 60 seconds starting now.

CF: I'm not sure that toleration is a word that I have come across. Tolerance I would have said, the art of. But toleration possibly could mean a game played by 13 men on one side, and 27 ladies on the other, involving a hard backed black rubber disc which is projected from one edge in a north-easterly direction towards the foothills of the Andes Mountains where this sort of thing goes on to an extraordinary degree and is much appreciated especially by camels and llamas who go there in the mating season after leaving Bangor-on-Dee and other holiday resorts in order to enjoy themselves on the Sunday league trip which is such extremely good value at the moment. The art of...

BUZZ

NP: Sheila Hancock challenged.

SH: He, he is speaking a load of rubbish isn't he.

NP: Sheila you have a point and you have six seconds on the art of toleration starting now.

SH: I am going to be compassionate and assume that Ian Messiter can't help being illiterate. And I...

WHISTLE

NP: As Sheila Hancock said Ian Messiter can't help being illiterate, he blew his whistle, as if to silence her. But she got the extra point for speaking when the whistle went, she's now equal in the lead alongside Derek Nimmo, with Clement two points behind and Kenneth Williams only four behind the two leaders. Sheila your turn to begin and the subject is understandings. Sixty seconds starting now.

SH: There is something slightly underhand about this word. One assumes it means something a little bit corrupt...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: Two somethings.

NP: Yes there was.

SH: Yes.

NP: That was a sharp challenge. There are 50 seconds left for you Kenneth on understandings starting now.

KW: You could say that a husband and wife have an understanding. You could say that also of friendships. And of course diplomacy involves invariably certain understandings. That Nato alliance, one's reaction to an announcement by the United States of America would be very much influenced by what we call, the Atlantic understanding, which in our case because we have a lingua...

BUZZ

NP: Sheila Hancock has challenged.

SH: Well I, is he allowed to keep repeating understanding in th singular when it's understandings on the card?

NP: No he's not.

CF: Oh I think he is, yes. Come on.

SH: Well you challenged me for doing that.

NP: You challenged her for doing that.

KW: I think it's ludicrous, I think it's ludicrous, because apart from the fact that, you know...

NP: We haven't got time for an academic conversation actually, the point is that I gave a decision when...

KW: I came here for the one of the finer things of life and I happen to be one of them! And it's absolutely disgraceful!

NP: What you've just said is...

KW: These people have come a long way to see me and I haven't said in ages.

NP: What you...

KW: I've come all the way from Great Portland Street!

NP: Kenneth...

KW: I've had to listen to this dreary rubbish from her and...

NP: Listen, you've been going with dreary rubbish for 40 seconds!

KW: I don't care about that. I'm not going to have it...

NP: No I must be fair Kenneth, I gave right and...

KW: Fair? What would you know about fair? You've got no idea! You've got no idea! You keep on saying shall we put it to the audience? Shall we ask the audience? That's all you do on this programme! You're no more than a chairman than fly to the moon! I could do it better and play the game!

NP: Right Kenneth...

KW: You great fool sat there! Yes you all agree...

NP: Do you want to change places...

KW: No, I'm not going to do it this week, because my, my contract doesn't say it!

SH: You've got an understanding!

KW: No, exactly!

NP: No Kenneth, if I was to give in to you now, then I wouldn't be a responsible chairman.

KW: You'll have her again there?

NP: Yes because...

KW: Oh dear!

NP: ... understandings...

KW: Fasten your safety belt dear!

NP: Sheila, 20 seconds starting now.

SH: I'd like to know how this word originated actually. It must have probably...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud.

CF: Repetition of actually.

NP: No.

CF: She started off by saying...

NP: I would like to know how this...

SH: I would like to know how this word originated...

CF: No, the previous time, you began talking about it.

NP: Clement Freud you have 17 seconds on understandings starting now.

CF: I have a tremendous understanding with Sheila Hancock. And the fact that she is going to have a baby very soon called Fred has nothing to do with it at all. In fact her daughter with whom I also have had understandings in as much as we talked to each other on a previous occasion...

WHISTLE

NP: Clement Freud was then speaking as the whistle went. He's now moved forward into second place alongside Derek Nimmo, but Sheila Hancock is still one point ahead in the lead. Derek Nimmo it is back with you again and the subject now is misunderstandings. Will you talk on that for 60 seconds starting now.

DN: Gosh isn't it easy in this world to have a misunderstanding. Do you know, sometimes one wakes up on a cloudless day and looks up at the sun and thinks all's right with this world. And you go outside and you meet perhaps a passing bluebottle, and through that your whole day becomes one filled with stress and turmoil. Misunderstandings come up at every moment. You board a bus and before you know more misunderstandings take place. And you're filled with despair and tears swell in your eyes, misunderstandings everywhere. Is there any hope at all for mankind, you say. Oh God in his heaven, please look down upon us, give me some kind of assistance today...

WHISTLE

NP: Ah Derek Nimmo in one of his quieter moods kept going for 60 seconds with lots of misunderstandings. Oh it's very interesting now, you're one ahead of Sheila, Sheila is one ahead of Clement, and Clement is two ahead of Kenneth. And Kenneth it's your turn to begin. Oh Kenneth, a nice subject for you, my last date. Don't make eyes at that lovely doggie in the front row! Would you like to talk on, and I've just been told I have to, we have to finish at the end of this subject probably because I don't think we've got much more time. So keep going if you can for 60 seconds starting now.

KW: I presume by the (unintelligible) calendar, I would say the first one could be 1066, William the Conqueror. My second date was of course the...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo's challenged.

DN: No, not really, I was going to say 66, but of course it was't any good so I withdraw it. I could just see it, I could see two sixes and I was thinking repetition of six. But it's no good, I withdraw it, very foolish challenge, I do apologise to everybody for wasting their time.

NP: Kenneth Williams has got 52 seconds for my last date starting now.

KW: It would be 1453 which is as you all know saw the collapse of that incredible city Constantinople. They were fighting on the walls and the blood we are told flowed down into the Bosporus. Oh that I could have been there and shared in this historic moment when the Bail of Agasaphea ran out, warning all in Christendom of this appalling event...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Deviation.

NP: Why?

CF: It warned all people irrespective of their religion!

NP: What is that?

SH: Warned people of what?

NP: Just say your challenge again.

KW: Well he's right, I said all Christendom, he said he warned all people regardless of their religion.

NP: Oh I see, well that's a very good challenge yes.

CF: Do you not listen?

NP: No, not really! There are 22 seconds for you Clement on my last date starting now.

CF: My last date came from Tunisia and was in a box marked Ochoy. And it had a fork with plastic in the middle. There were in fact 43 dates in the box which was made of some light wooden material. And when I got to the last one the stone stuck between two eye-teeth...

WHISTLE

NP: Well as I thought when I began that round we probably would have only enough time to have one more round. That has turned out to be true and so now I will give you the final score. Kenneth Williams did very well, we heard a lot from him despite what he said, he finished in a very strong fourth position just behind Sheila Hancock. But Sheila Hancock was only one point behind two joint winners this week, because Clement Freud's date brought him up to equal first place with Derek Nimmo. Clement Freud, Derek Nimmo! We hope you've enjoyed this edition of Just A Minute, from all of us here, good-bye!

THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: The chairman of Just A Minute was Nicholas Parsons, the programme was devised by Ian Messiter and produced by John Lloyd.