JAM:KWilliams,DNimmo,CFreud,SHancock
WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE!

starring KENNETH WILLIAMS, DEREK NIMMO, CLEMENT FREUD and SHEILA HANCOCK, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 3 November 1969)


THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: We present Kenneth Williams, Derek Nimmo, Clement Freud and Sheila Hancock in Just A Minute. And as the Minute Waltz fades away here to tell you about it is our chairman Nicholas Parsons.

NICHOLAS PARSONS: Thank you, thank you very much, and welcome once again to Just A Minute. And as you've just heard we welcome back Sheila Hancock, who was so successful when she represented the ladies in our show before. The three men are just the same, so I won't mention their names again. And the rules are just the same. I'm going to ask each one of our contestants to try and speak for Just a Minute on some unlikely subject without hesitation, without repetition and without deviating from the subject in any way at all. With those thoughts in our mind, let us begin this particular edition with Derek Nimmo. Derek would you try and talk for 60 seconds on bloomers starting now.

DEREK NIMMO: Well there seems to me to be two kinds of bloomers. Those that you wear and those that you make. I think I'll start with the latter actually. But I seem to have noticed a rather considerable bloomer quite recently and it happened by the merest mischance. And I was carted off to a hospital, bleeding from every nose, and confronted by an Indian doctor who said (in Indian accent) "excuse me please, what happened?" (normal voice) And I said "as a matter of fact, I was standing in a church, on a plank, which was leaning across a log." He said "would you mind repeating that?" And I said "well I was on this piece of wood which was..."

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud you have challenged, why?

CLEMENT FREUD: Repetition.

NP: Of what?

CF: Would you mind repeating that.

NP: (laughs)

SHEILA HANCOCK: But that was such a good story, I wanted to hear the end.

CF: I know. I take it back.

NP: No, no, no, no, I think "would you mind repeating that" is a repetitious phrase, but he hasn't actually repeated it. Therefore he is not, your challenge is not justified...

CF: Can we hear what happened to him?

NP: Well then, it's up to you to see if you want to challenge again. Therefore I don't uphold your challenge Clement Freud. Derek Nimmo gains a point and he continues for 25 seconds with the subject starting now.

DN: And the surgeon said to me, he said "what happened?" So I said "well I... was standing there and then two monks jumped from the top of the altar on to the other end of the piece of wood." He said (in Indian accent) "I'm so sorry, I didn't quite catch what you were saying." (normal voice) So I said "there were these two fellows." He said "you mean they were brothers?" I said "yes. And they jumped on to the other piece of wood, and I was supposed to go up in the air and grab hold of a chandelier that was..."

WHISTLE

NP: Well as Derek Nimmo was speaking when the whistle went that tells us that 60 seconds is up, he gains an extra point. And also it's interesting to note that he did actually go for the full 60 seconds on the subject. Sheila Hancock will you begin this round, the subject is having my hair done. Sixty seconds on that subject, starting now.

SH: Well whenever I go, it's always a disaster. I sit there under the drier, watching everybody else go out looking absolutely super, and I never do. A little gentleman asked me the story of my life and I'm inclined to tell. Ah there's something about...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo you've challenged, why?

DN: Hesitation, she said er rather than hair.

NP: One point to you Derek Nimmo and there are 46 seconds left for having my hair done starting now.

DN: Well of course I absolutely adore having my hair done. I had it done today and they did it in little sort of prongs. They did it all round in little sort of curls and it came up very beautifully...

BUZZ

NP: Sheila Hancock you have challenged. Why?

SH: Deviation.

NP: Why?

SH: Well it's very kinky!

APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: That's a very clever challenge and I think on this occasion I will give you a bonus point for cleverness, but within the context...

KENNETH WILLIAMS: Oooohhh look at her!

SH: Oh so I should think!

NP: That was Kenneth Williams speaking for the first time. A bonus point for cleverness but I don't think it's correct within the rules of the game. So Derek Nimmo continues talking about having my hair done, 34 seconds starting now.

DN: Well first of all I like them to wash it you see. It's awfully nice really when they plunge your head into a bowl of warm water...

BUZZ

NP: Sheila Hancock you have challenged.

SH: Deviation from the truth.

NP: Well we don't know how Derek Nimmo has his hair done.

SH: Nobody plunges their head into a bowl of the water in the hairdressers! You have sprays and things.

KW: Yes!

DN: Not in the gents, only in the ladies.

SH: You, I haven't been into the gents!

LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: If that's where you have your hair done, I think you should keep quiet er Derek. Sheila as you haven't been with us for a very long time, it's very debatable but I think I will give you the benefit of the doubt and award you a point and 25 seconds for having my hair done starting now.

SH: Yes well these gentlemen in flowered er blouses...

BUZZ

SH: Argh!

NP: Clement Freud challenged.

SH: Very unfair challenge, I have a stutter! It's unkind, isn't it!

NP: Sitting next to Derek Nimmo, you...

DN: It's my stutter and it was a hesitation.

NP: And Clement Freud has challenged for the stutter, he has the subject, one point to him, 22 seconds for having my hair done starting now.

CF: With the amount of hair that I have, you may well think that I do not have to have it done as often as other people, which is completely false. Simply because there is no affluent on the top of my head, there is a very considerable growth...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams why have you challenged?

KW: Deviation, hair is hair, it's certainly not affluent!

NP: What would you say Clement Freud?

CF: I didn't say effluence, I said affluence of hair.

KW: I never suggested you did say effluence. I said affluent. Hair isn't affluent! That's what I said! I haven't spoken on this show yet! It's a disgrace!

NP: Well Kenneth all I can say is we've heard you now, you made a great impact on the audience, they loved every minute of what you said. But I keep the subject with Clement Freud who has another point...

KW: Another point as well!

NP: And eight seconds for having my hair done starting now.

CF: Hairdressers now tend to charge 10 shillings or more for cutting my hair which I think is an outrageous sum. But they demand this and I pay it...

WHISTLE

NP: Well as Clement Freud was speaking as the whistle went that tells us that he has an extra point. And I'll give you the score at the end of that round. Clement Freud is in the lead alongside Derek Nimmo, and one behind is Sheila Hancock. And a little bit behind is Kenneth Williams. In other words, Kenneth is yet to score.

KW: Oh don't rub it in!

NP: But they've only got an odd point here and there Kenneth, you'll come from the back with that charge that you...

KW: Yes! Leap into it!

NP: Kenneth it's your turn to begin...

KW: Oh good!

NP: Kenneth Williams, beautiful thoughts. Will you try and talk for 60 seconds on that subject starting now.

KW: Beautiful thoughts can of course be brought about by beautiful happenings. Or they can be brought about by reading something quite lovely. A line like "somewhere in my heart, a late... a late lark sings". That of course does inspire a tremendous serenity in one's inner thoughts. And this leads of course to repose. And perhaps this is the true goal of all great beauty. And perhaps no-one could put it more beautifully...

BUZZ

NP: Sheila Hancock, why have you challenged?

SH: Somebody's got to stop him! It's so embarrassing!

LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: It may be embarrassing but it's still playing the game. Kenneth Williams has another point, he has 23 seconds for his beautiful thoughts starting now.

KW: To take, as it were, the chaff and grain together, knowing that a faithful hand will take and sift them, keep what is worth keeping, and with a breath of kindness blow the rest away...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud you've challenged, why?

CF: Deviation, there's nothing about beautiful thoughts.

NP: I think it's lovely, the audience are loving it. It's beautiful thoughts, aren't they?

APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: Don't you think these thoughts are beautiful? What they mean, I have no idea. But the audience thinks they're beautiful. So Kenneth Williams has another point, 10 seconds on beautiful thoughts starting now.

KW: And so there in the innermost citi...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo you've challenged, why?

DN: Repetition, and so there.

NP: And so there doesn't count in this game, a lot of nonsense. We can't challenge for silly things! Um, eight seconds for beautiful thoughts Kenneth starting now.

KW: There where the...

BUZZ

NP: And Derek Nimmo's challenged. Why?

DN: Favouritism from the chairman!

LOUD LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE

KW: You shut your row!

SH: Oh charming! Listen to all those beautiful thoughts! You shut your row!

KW: Oh no, that's another thing!

NP: Derek wants me to give him another point, so Kenneth has another point and he has now six seconds for beautiful thoughts starting now.

KW: To think of something lovely at one moment can make the next period of time even more lovely. And this is why...

WHISTLE

NP: How beautiful those thoughts are, I'm not fit to judge. But... they seemed to spark off something in the audience that made me feel I was right to let Kenneth Williams continue. And in doing so he has jumped into a commanding lead....

KW: Oooohhh!

NP: ...over all the others. I'll leave it at that and we'll press on with Clement Freud. It's your... it is your turn to begin. Clement the subject is manners. Will you try and speak on that subject for 60 seconds starting now.

CF: Manners is something people say when you belch or make other unseemly noises. It is also the family name of the Dukes of Rutledge for which the word might be more renowned. But many people think that to acquire these you have to go to a school, or possibly an academy of deportment where all sorts of unnatural things are taught one in order that one can go into society and be accepted as someone one is not...

BUZZ

CF: Thank you!

NP: Derek Nimmo you've challenged, why?

DN: Hesitation.

NP: Hesitation.

CF: The end of a sentence.

NP: The end of a sentence, full stop. And a definite period I would say.

CF: Yes.

NP: Twenty-nine seconds left for manners Derek Nimmo, starting now.

DN: Little Hanham Hall is my favourite manor. It's a beautiful half-timbered building which stands in...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams you've challenged, why?

KW: Deviation.

NP: Why?

KW: It's manners, isn't it, and it's not manor.

NP: No...

KW: He's talking about manor.

NP: He's talking about one, he said that this hall was his favourite manor, so it's one of many. So I think it's perfectly justified in giving Derek a point, leaving the subject with him, 22 seconds left, manners starting now.

DN: Terribly interesting way that police sergeants, constables, even inspectors refer to their particular beat as their manor. In fact within the central London district I believe there are nine manors belonging to particular branches of the constabulary. This becomes terribly useful when they're fighting their endless wars with the hippie population, Hell's angels, skinheads...

WHISTLE

NP: As Derek Nimmo was speaking when the whistle went, that means he has another point and it puts him in the lead alongside Kenneth Williams at the end of that round. Derek nimmo will you begin the next round, the thing I found in the attic. That is the subject that Ian Messiter's chosen for you and will you begin now.

DN: On the 14th of July, 1959, I first found my thing in the attic.

LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE

DN: I was totally unsuspecting what I might see there that day, until a nearby builder happened to arrive and rat-tatted on my door, to tell me something peculiar was awaiting my inspection in the aforementioned part of the house. I rapidly climbed the stairs and opened the door, and sure enough, lurking under a bundle of old clothing, curtains and material, something moved. Something throbbed. A thing squirmed. When the shrouds were pulled back, I saw it for the first time. I thought "oh my God! How terrible! How frightening!" And there it was! It had three of everything...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud you've challenged, why?

CF: Repetition.

NP: Of what?

CF: Three of everything!

NP: A very clever challenge...

CF: I nearly...

NP: I award you a bonus point, but Derek Nimmo continues with the subject, the thing I found in the attic starting now.

DN: I got out my toadstools...

WHISTLE

NP: Derek is now in the lead, a little ahead of Kenneth Williams, Clement Freud following and then Sheila Hancock. Clement will you begin the next round, spare time money making. A very good subject for you, I'm sure, and will you talk about it, 60 seconds starting now.

CF: It is of course illegal to make money in your spare time. Because only the Royal Mint is allowed to produce coinage for this country. And anyone who would do this in their spare time would be flagrantly breaking the law. A different interpretation of the question could also be formed as making money in the er...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo you challenged.

DN: Hesitation.

NP: Hesitation, yes. You were very quick pressing your buzzer, so you're the first one in. And you gain a point and there are 37 seconds for spare time money making starting now.

DN: I once sold liver cleansing liquid in my spare time, but also in Petticoat Lane. And I had a little bottle which said "100 percent aqua purer" which I sold for one and six a bottle. And it wasn't really defrauding the public, because in fact water is the finer lin, liver cleansing...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud you challenged.

CF: Hesitation.

NP: Yes I'm afraid your stutter gave you a hesitation which gives Clement the subject back. Twenty-one seconds starting now.

CF: One of the best exponents of this is a friend of mine called Hepplethwaite who went into Regent's Park and started a game of rounders. He asked everyone who was participating in this to put four and sixpence into a pool, promising to give 12 and ninepence to which ever player was on the winning side at the end of the 35 minute period when...

WHISTLE

NP: What happened to Hepplewhite, Clement Freud?

CF: The whistle blew.

NP: It was one of those. It shows you how all of it is thought up on the spur of the moment. Clement Freud you're still one point behind Derek Nimmo at the end of that round. And that is the situation at the moment. Derek Nimmo would you begin the next round, striking a happy medium. That is the subject, would you talk for 60 seconds if you can, starting now.

DN: Well of course I first saw Life's Bridge when I was 17 and a half years old. And in that play there is a happy medium, one Madam Ahcarty. And a curious thing is towards the end of the first act, I leapt up on the stage and grabbing her walking stick in one hand, I smote her roundly across the bum. And she was the most surprised happy medium that I've ever seen! Another definition of the word is a sort of prize to find a sort of equilibrium between two things so what...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams why have you challenged?

KW: Two sort ofs, repetition.

NP: Kenneth you have a point...

KW: Yes, quite right, I do.

NP: And 30 seconds left, for striking a happy medium starting now.

KW: This of course brings us back to what the Greeks originally propounded. That there was indeed a golden mean for all activities. Doubt...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo you've challenged, why?

DN: Hesitation, he's going so slowly these days...

NP: I'm going to let you...

DN: He used to be quite chirpy when he was young!

LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: Each... it's very difficult to judge, you know, when you're in this position, on any challenge sometimes. But when they start, and they've all done it in this particular show, gone so slowly, you can't judge whether they're hesitating or not by the slowness. I will let the audience judge once again. If you consider that Derek Nimmo's challenge was justified and his slowness was tantamount to hesitation, will you please cheer. If you disagree with the challenge will you please boo. And will you all do it together now.

CHEERS AND BOOS FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: I think it was entirely equal so er...

DN: Striking a happy medium, you see.

APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: Derek has put it for us and I award no points but leave the subject with Kenneth Williams, 13 seconds left, for striking a happy medium starting now.

KW: Because any kind of excess is to be deplored. People that go about losing their tempers and shouting the odds! It's a disgrace! It won't get us anywhere will it! No, only be reason and sitting down calmly and working it all out, one after the other...

WHISTLE

NP: We're at an interesting stage of play. Kenneth Williams and Derek Nimmo are in the lead and Clement Freud's one point behind them...

KW: Ohhhh!

NP: .. and a little behind that is Sheila Hancock. Sheila it is your turn to begin the next round. The subject has been, I'm sure, anyway it's a subject that I would have chosen for you Sheila, beauty. Will you please talk on that subject if you can, 60 seconds starting now.

SH: Ah, well if you look at me, you will see the antithesis of the word that we're talking about...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud, you've challenged, why?

CF: I wanted that extra point!

NP: All you've done is...

CF: Deviation?

NP: No, you're too late now...

CF: She's talking about unbeauty.

NP: You've made your challenge...

CF: I didn't mean to.

NP: Well even for deviation I wouldn't have it. Sheila Hancock has got another point and she continues with 57 seconds, beauty starting now.

SH: However there, they do say...

BUZZ

SH: Oww!

NP: Clement Freud you challenged.

CF: Hesitation.

NP: There was hesitation but you were intimidating her so I won't award any points and leave the sub...

SH: Cheers!

CF: Hooray!

NP: He does intimidate me, you're right!

NP: Sheila the subject is beauty, don't be intimidated by the subject. You have every reason to speak out on this subject and you start now.

SH: Well Nicholas Parsons has a beautiful nature because he's very...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Deviation!

NP: I disagree entirely!

APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: So Sheila Hancock has another point, beauty, 46 seconds starting now.

SH: And what's more he has a beautiful face. And so has Kenneth Williams, and so has Derek Nimmo. But...

DN: Hear hear!

SH: ... Clement Freud has not! Mind you, he has got a beautiful beard, I suppose you'd have to allow him that. But then it's made up for the lack of hair on the top of his head. I have a beautiful nature, and they do say that beauty is in the eye of the beholder. And lots of people when they behold me, must think that I'm not quite as bad as I think I am myself. Beauty is a name of a horse as well who is black, and I used to read it when I was little. And it was a very beautiful book...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud you've challenged, why?

CF: Repetition, we've really had too many beauties.

SH: Yes I thought that.

NP: Well I'm afraid we have. But we were loving it. So Clement Freud this time really has a point and he has 16 seconds for beauty starting now.

CF: This is something, a word, given to explain...

BUZZ

SH: Ahhhhh!

NP: Kenneth Williams.

KW: Hesitation.

NP: Hesitation, Kenneth you have a point and there are 11 seconds for beauty starting now.

KW: I am beautiful! Simply beautiful! And when a rose sees me coming...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged, why?

KW: .... it wilts! Oh my physical charms are so ample, I set Helen of Troy an example!

NP: It's all right, you've been challenged!

KW: Oh?

NP: You've been challenged long before you got to Helen of Troy.

CF: Repetition.

NP: But we wanted to hear what Helen...

KW: You're allowed the subject twice, that is...

CF: But you said beautiful twice.

KW: That's the subject, you great fool!

NP: No, it's not...

CF: No, no, the subject's beauty...

NP: Kenneth! Quiet! Restrain your beauty please! Ah the subject is beauty, you did say beautiful twice. Clement Freud has another point, there are nine seconds for beauty with Clement Freud starting now.

CF: if you look at Sheila Hancock, I doubt whether anywhere else you will see a physiognomy made up of so perfect features. Two eyes...

WHISTLE

NP: Well as Clement Freud was speaking then when the whistle went, he gets the extra point which means he is now one in the lead over Derek Nimmo and Kenneth Williams. And Sheila Hancock has caught up a little. Kenneth Williams will you begin the next round. Charm, Kenneth. Charm, 60 seconds starting now.

KW: Well this is something people can possess or on the other hand, it can be a thing. And in some rites or certain rituals, these things are hung on people with the idea that by...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo you challenged, why?

DN: Deviation, the word is charm, not charms.

NP: Yes but...

KW: Charm can be hung on someone, you great fool!

NP: All right!

SH: You're showing plenty of it!

DN: These things, he said!

NP: He said these things...

DN: The word is singular.

NP: Now listen, I'm going to judge...

SH: You had your manor, didn't you.

NP: You had your manor, you're not sure of your manners now.

SH: Manor and manners.

NP: You can have a single charm, one of many charms. Kenneth has of course many, but he's made his point, and he has another point and he has 47 seconds for charm starting now.

KW: And when I was in Atheseus, they come up to me and they said "you've heard about these rituals, what about we hang one on you?" I said "oooh how dreadful!" They said "no misfortune and good luck will come your way, you see." So I went through all this and they shoved me in this water. Well of course it was October, I was freezing! Good luck it may have brought me, but I got double pneumonia! I was back in the general hospital...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud why have you challenged?

CF: Repetition.

NP: Of what?

CF: Pneumonia.

NP: He only said pneumonia once.

CF: Yes but he said double pneumonia.

APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE

KW: Oh brilliant!

NP: Yes a very clever challenge, and at this delicate stage of the game, I can't award any bonus points. It's not really correct within the context of the game and rules. So Kenneth Williams I will tell you what I will do. I won't charge any points and therefore Kenneth continues with the subject, 23 seconds left for charm starting now.

KW: So still with it hanging round my neck, I went through all...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo why have you challenged?

DN: Repetition, hanging round his neck. He said neck before, you see.

NP: Yes, yes he did say neck once before. So Derek Nimmo takes over the subject, one point to him, 19 seconds, Derek for charm starting now.

DN: Charm can com, comprise many...

BUZZ

KW: (laughs)

NP: Kenneth I must tell you that you shouldn't be so keen about Clement Freud getting in with that challenge because there's only one point separating all three of the men. And this means that Clement has an extra point now, and he's now in the lead and there are only 17 seconds left for charm with Clement Freud starting now.

CF: Of all the qualities in a human being, charm is the one that I admire most. I've met bad manners, I've met Derek Nimmo, I have...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo you've challenged. Why?

DN: Deviation, being rude to me! Very nasty!

NP: Actually it can't be deviation in this game, you can be rude to whoever you like. In fact you incessantly are. And so all I can say is that Clement Freud has another point and there are nine seconds for charm Clement starting now.

CF: And the beautiful manners which are so...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo you challenged.

DN: The second time he said manners.

NP: Yes he did say manners. So Derek Nimmo has a point and there are six seconds left for charm Derek starting now.

DN: Every morning when I get up, you know, I look in the mirror and I say "gosh you are the most charming fellow..."

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud you challenged, why?

CF: Repetition.

NP: What of?

CF: Every morning!

NP: It's a clever challenge and in the last round, I don't award any bonus points, I just compliment you on your cleverness, leave the subject with Derek, no points awarded. Derek Nimmo, one point left for charm starting now.

DN: Bloomers!

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud got in again.

CF: Hesitation.

NP: There was no hesitation. Derek Nimmo you have half a second left for charm starting now.

DN: Striking a happy medium!

WHISTLE

NP: The result of all those false starts leaves the final situation in a very exciting stage because we have come to the end of this particular edition of Just A Minute. Sheila Hancock was in fourth place but the three men were only one point separating them in this order. Kenneth Williams one point behind Derek Nimmo, Derek Nimmo one point behind Clement Freud, this week's winner. That is all we have time for. We do hope that you have enjoyed this particular edition of Just A Minute, good-bye from us all here, good-bye.

ANNOUNCER: The chairman of Just A Minute was Nicholas Parsons, the programme was devised by Ian Messiter and produced by David Hatch.